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Klazam



Joined: Aug 01, 2015

Post   Posted: Jan 04, 2019 - 00:10 Reply with quote Back to top

Central Border Station

EAGLES EMBARASS CONFEDERATES IN SEASON OPENER 4-1

*camera pans on a distraught Coach Klazam*

Well, do you have an explantion for this humilating performance?

Coach Klazam: No, not really... This was my first time coaching these guys. They're good kids. I just don't know what i'm doing here.....

Obviously you're upset. Let's look at the positive side, are there any kids you want to talk about here?

Coach Klazam: Well, yeah. Zenon de Villareal is pretty awesome, our sole touchdown came from him successfully distracting the Eagles in a brillant reverse play.

That was great, we agree! Let's hope the Confederates have more great moments like that! Thank you for tuning in to CBS!
Klazam



Joined: Aug 01, 2015

Post   Posted: Jan 04, 2019 - 00:13 Reply with quote Back to top

Central Border Station

SCORPIONS STINGS CONFEDERATES 3-1

We apologize but we couldn't secure Coach Klazam for an interview today. He was last heard yelling ""Damned pansy rich kids!"" as he left the locker room after the match. Instead, let's talk with Boris Novosi, who completed three passes in this game!

Is there anything you want to tell our fans at home, Boris?

Boris Novosi: HELLO MOM AND DAD AND UNCLE AND BROTHER AND SIS..

Whoa whoa, you don't need to yell like that! Settle down, are there any teammates you want to talk about?

Boris Novosi: Yeah, my buddy Leonid, he was great. Coach worked him hard, and he tried. He helped Lilla score. Shame he was so exhausted he fell asleep on the pitch.

Yeah, we here at CBS wholeheartedely agree with that! Leonid Kasheyev was all over the pitch today, helping the Confederates stand toe to toe with these Scorpions who massively outnumbered them! As an additional note, it seems that Alard Regimus has gotten more agile after this game. Any thoughts on this, Boris?

Boris Novoski: Well, hit anyone enough times, and they'll learn to dodge. Alard is getting pretty good at that, especially at practice with Leonid trying to stomp him all the time.

Let's find out how he does in the next game! Thanks for tuning in to CBS!
MrCushtie



Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jan 05, 2019 - 06:56 Reply with quote Back to top

Jon-Jon Gone? Buccs Thrower loses his head
Scenes of dismay at the Norscan Peninsula Recreational Facility this afternoon, as Jon 'Jon-Jon' Jonsson perished in a freak accident early in his game against the Manticores.

"I was looking forward to seeing my boy score an infinite number of touchdowns today" said his mother, Jonella Jonnisdottir, after the match, "and instead I had to watch while he had his head knocked off and his guts smashed out. And I'd just got his jersey back from the laundry, too."

A full briefing to the press by the University and the coach on this sad matter is expected later this evening.
MrCushtie



Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jan 05, 2019 - 14:14 Reply with quote Back to top

Buccs triumphant, warn Clippers
Jon-Jon's death 'a baseless lie'
MrCushtie thanked his rivals the Manticores for a spirited game, before chastising the press for 'spreading baseless lies' about the apparent death of fan favourite Jon-Jon Jonssonson on the pitch.

"In all of the fifteen years that I spent at the top of the Southern Wastes League, I never had to deal with this kind of dishonesty. You say Jon-Jon died? You claim all his guts fell out on the pitch and he needed to be cleared away with a mop and bucket? You say he had his head knocked off and kicked into the crowd? You dress up a toilet attendant in a wig and pretend that is Jon-Jon's mother? You lie and lie and lie, and yet, look, as alive as the day he was born, here stands Jon-Jon!"

The Buccaneers' young thrower, Jon-Jon, was brought to the stage alongside his coach. This didn't stop the uproar of questions from the assembled reporters:

"Why are his eyes glowing red?"
"A slight case of conjunctivitis. He'll be fine by his next game."
"Why is his face green?"
"The poor boy gets nauseous easily. Nothing to worry about on the pitch."
"Why does he just stand there, staring, never speaking a word?"
"Jon-Jon is a shy kid, you know that. He prefers to let his actions on the field speak for him."
"What about that strange, morbid stench of corruption and necromantic evil that floats around him like a filthy cloud of dark magic?"
"We're experimenting with some new embrocation. No more questions, please."

Definitely no necromancy or mysterious disappearances at Norscan Peninsula
Jon-Jon was then ushered off the stage, with Johan John Johansson appealing for quiet. "Look, ladies, and gentlemen, we all have to accept that a successful coach like MrCushtie will have certain eccentricities, but we just have to accept those. It doesn't help the team when people are spreading rumours about money being paid to necromancers to revive players, or ridiculous stories about a ten-foot troll in a pink nightdress eating anyone who misses a game due to injury, or any of that nonsense."

Questions were immediately asked about Wiktor Nordstrom, last seen leaving the pitch with a fractured arm.

"Well, I don't know where Wiktor is right now" said MrCushtie, struggling to be heard over loud belching emanating from behind the stage, "but when it became clear that he was as much of a malingerer as his brother Viktor, we were going to have to replace him. I'm happy to say that his sister, Viktoria, should be a much better player than he ever was."

Stern warning for Clippers
"Now, people have complained to me about the score today. I have to say, we promised you an infinite number of touchdowns, and it turns out that due to the mathematical shortsightedness of the CBBA, the result wasn't recognised. I'm sorry that they didn't have the numismatical prowess to recognise our achievements, but in the circumstances, we'll let the Manticores take credit for a nominal game.

"But when it comes to the Clippers, let me tell you this: they'll be needing to bring their mittens, because we're going to break so many fingers on their hands they won't be able to wear gloves afterwards. Sure hands? Sure, they'll have hands, but that's about all. We've even hired an apothecary for the next game, just to help the Clippers recover from some of their injuries."

MrCushtie was later seen with the exotic Ms Shandyhands at the high-class Bretonnian rat-on-stick restaurant, La Manor Aux Quatre Sessions, drinking fine wine and laughing about "the Great Northern Wastes-of-Space". Nobody from the university was available for comment.
mushoomy



Joined: Oct 18, 2013

Post   Posted: Jan 08, 2019 - 06:48 Reply with quote Back to top

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Nordrak College Newsletter - Issue #12 - The "Dominant" Manticores (An Interview with Coach Mushoomy)

Welcome home Mushoomy. First of all, I'd like to congratulate you and the college for your dominant performance tonight. Winning 4-0 must be a confidence boost after losing your win streak

Thank you very much. We had trained very hard after our year-long celebration. Three different players scored tonight, showing the skill across the board. The Manticores have indeed shown the CBBA why they dominated in season 7, extending their win streak into season 8.

Um... sorry you must be mistaken. The Manticores had lost their win streak against the Tilean university Diavoli in their season debut, 2-0. We watched it on the television

I can not recall such a game! We have never faced the Diavoli. However, if Remo Chiappa and his team are willing to face the wrath of the Manticores sometime, tell him to hit us up. We'll be glad to show him why we have never suffered a loss.

But sir, it has been reported everywhere. The famous Kosmo Nuzzi claimed that the Manticores were "terrible", "Easy Beats" and even claimed that the Griffins threw the final last year!

What terrible claims! This is fake news! Fake news I tell you! Kosmo Nuzzi cannot be trusted. He'd do anything for a story. He stomped on Peter "Pepper" Polenski's head when I coached the Cockerels... killing him!!! If the students of Nordrak College were following the Manticores properly, they'd know that their game against the Buccaneers was their first game of the season.

Ok... but how about the game against the Free City University Clippers, where the Manticores drew 1-1?

Nonsense. We haven't played the Clippers since the team debuted in Season 7, where we beat them 1-0! They did, however, draw against the Bulls 1-1. Mistaking us for the bulls is enough for you to be expelled! If we had drawn against them, I would've seen something about it in the press.

Speaking of the press, this interview is for issue #12 for the NCN. Do you have any ideas on what happened to issue #10 and #11?

If there were an issue #10 or #11, they must've not been very good. I haven't seen them anywhere on campus. But #12 will be a good one yes? We'd hate for issue #12 to go unreleased too right???

Yes, that's very true. Sorry to have bothered you today Mushoomy. I'll let you celebrate with the team

Thank you. Be careful now.
HandyKaufman



Joined: Jan 08, 2017

Post   Posted: Jan 10, 2019 - 10:40 Reply with quote Back to top

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Talabheim Panthers prowl an easy meal in 2-0 devouring

TU Tribute

Panthers Beat Writer: Jorje Getwald pre-game newswire


"And that's how we drew it up!" Coach Handy Kaufman was not short of words in what was only his second victory in the CBBA.

"Marco held the ball and Sulumor and Alfonzo screen him into the zone! Just like we drew it up!"

Sulumor Krugersons and Alfonzo Feuerbach both collected 2 CAS each for a total of 4 off's against the Cockerels. Perhaps for some coaches not a perticular grand acheivement but for coach K's CBBA record he will take anything positive going his way. Kaufman has a bleek record of 2/3/4 during his tenure as the Panthers head coach.

"And that's how we drew it up! Marco carries the ball and Alfonzo and Sulumor squash their little heads!"

Marco Krieglitz-Untern had a career night with 41 rushing paces and two touch downs.

"I may just be the best passer in the league! Look I still have all my teeth!" said Marco when asked about his performance.

Despite Coach Kaufman's meager record he is confident looking forward.

"The rest of the season will go exactly how we draw it up! Marco will carry the ball and Alfonzo and Sulumor will SQUASH THEIR LITTLE HEADS!"
Wozzaa



Joined: Apr 23, 2016

Post   Posted: Jan 10, 2019 - 19:33 Reply with quote Back to top

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Coach Wozzaa has two games to save his job. Report.

The Herald has exclusive news from the Cockerels camp.

Coach Wozzaa has been given two games to save his job as head coach of the Cockerels. The board has been unimpressed with this seasons results and feel the team are heading in the wrong direction. This speculation makes the Cockerels next game against the Eagles huge for the coach.

Can Wozzaa get a performance out of the Cockerels?

Tune in to find out: Eagles vs Cockerels, 7.30pm SWL time, Monday 14th January.

Coach Wozzaa has refused to comment.
Wex



Joined: Apr 21, 2015

Post   Posted: Jan 12, 2019 - 02:12 Reply with quote Back to top

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In zis most unfortunate showing, ze Chevaliers were defeated by ze Diavoli and ze Manticores, though ve put up quite a fight against both!

Unfortunately, ve have lost against every veteran teams so far, but ze team is hoping for a strong win against ze Buccaneers, who are also a rookie team!

Louis Breton and Enzo Chevrolet will charge us to victory!

#GChevs #LeHĂ©raut #CoachWex
ramchop



Joined: Oct 12, 2013

Post   Posted: Jan 14, 2019 - 07:24
FUMBBL Staff
Reply with quote Back to top

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14/01/19 7:20pm

Ten minutes to kick off. These Northerners have been walkovers. I bet the Imperial scum are regretting letting us out of the South, much better for them for us superior Southerners to be smashing each other up. hee hee.

An Ogre! I got knocked out by an Ogre once.

#CaptianKosmo #DiavoliCupBound #BullShit
MrCushtie



Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jan 15, 2019 - 06:18 Reply with quote Back to top

Continued fatality rumours dog the Buccaneers
Reports of Hans Nystrom's death 'have been exagerrated'
The post game conference was interrupted by the weeping mother of Hans Nystrom, starting left guard for the Buccaneers. The distressed lady made several vociferous complaints about the medical care afforded to the players this year, accusing MrCushtie of not showing any responsibility for the players in his care. The exchange is reproduced verbatim in this report:

MrCushtie: "We have to disagree with these claims. After our last match, I was happy to announce that we had recruited an expert apothecary, and he was there at the match today. Dr Won't-Stop-Bouncing brings a great deal of medical experience to the team. He assessed young Nomstrom and he was clearly fit to go back on the pitch. "

Mrs Nystrom: "My son's eyes were pointing in different directions and his tongue wouldn't go back in his mouth. And now come your so-called doctor wasn't there for the second half?"

MrCushtie: "Well, like all trained medical professionals, it's quite normal that after treating a patient, Dr Legneck should take the rest of the afternoon off to play golf. Anyway, it's not as if we needed him in the second half."

Mrs Nystrom: "My son died while your so-called apothecary was off playing golf!"

MrCushtie: "He had the odd flesh wound, but it was nothing serious."

Mrs Nystrom: "Nothing serious? His head was knocked off and his guts fell out!"

MrCushtie: "Nonsense. Look, he's absolutely fine."

Mrs Nystrom: "I saw my son die on the pitch!"

MrCushtie: "If you saw him die, how come he's standing over there next to Jon-Jon?"

Along with a strange and pungent smell, Hans Nystrom entered the room, alongside the Bucc's star quarterback, Jon "Jon-Jon" Jonssonson. Eye witnesses report that despite his face being a greenish shade of purple, one of his eyes hanging out and a visible set of stitches across his belly, the young Engineering student looked quite healthy. The jaunty Homburg that had been sellotaped to his head only made him even more likely to win 'Best Dressed Student Of The Year' (according to MrCushtie).

"Look, I'd like to draw a line under this. You bring a cow to the pitch, it will play like a cow. Life gives you lemons, you make cheeseburgers. It's not the size of the parrot in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the parrot. I'm over the moon with the boys' performance today. Sure, a few of them might have been asleep for most of the game, but they showed good heart, and any game where somebody is never going to walk properly again is a victory in my book."

MrCushtie exited the room, leaving Johan John Johansson appealing for calm.

"You've got to admit, this is the first week that MrCushtie hasn't mispronounced the team's nickname. That's progress, isn't it?"


Last edited by MrCushtie on Jan 15, 2019 - 10:13; edited 1 time in total
Wozzaa



Joined: Apr 23, 2016

Post   Posted: Jan 15, 2019 - 10:01 Reply with quote Back to top

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Cockerels celebrate huge.... Draw!

The Hanchen Herald was live after the excellent draw with the Eagles. Here is what some fans had to say.

'We need to stick with the manager. I know we can progress under him.' Ty Feswick-Green.

'The performance? I didnt see it. I was at the food stalls the whole time' Madoc Florburrow.

'That was amazing! It was so exciting, I was nearly too excited to eat. Nearly.' Madoc Florburrow.

'Hugo really grabbed the game by the bollocks, What a performance!' Nithard Landwald
MrCushtie



Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jan 15, 2019 - 16:15 Reply with quote Back to top

Celebrations rock the Northern Peninsula as MrCushtie declares himself 'the greatest ever'
Exclusive interview
Jubilant crowds filled the stands of the Norscan University Recreational Centre & Children's Paddling Pool tonight, celebrating the first win of the season. While the coach's exotic female companion helped the crowds in style by flinging fireworks in the air, and the equally exotic, pink-night-dress wearing dancer shimmied her way amongst the assembled hordes, we sent our chief sports editor, Sven Bergmansdottirson to interview MrCushtie:

With your season finishing in a victory over the Chevaliers, how has the standard of play compared to your expectations?

"I'm not a proud person by nature, I'm sure you know that. But I have to say, we have a top team, and clearly, a number one coach.

"Obviously, I would have preferred a bigger challenge. Coming here, and leading a team to score three times as many touchdowns in just five games as my proper team would during an entire season, well, that tells you the opposition has been ... weak this year.

"Sure, there were some terrible cheaters we had to contend with. There were those Tileans who fielded a midget and a man in woman's clothing, with that I can't agree. The Bulls ... well, what kind of team fails to bring a delicious custard pie to give their opponents at the start of a game? I don't know about the customs of these Northerners, but where I come from, that's just plain rude. And then those Clippers - well, we have a saying 'it is always nice to leave linemen limping'."

Any words for the Chevalier's Pierre Segal? Apparently he's still in the hospital.

"As we've said before, our medical team is second to none. If their coach had asked for Dr Won't-Stop-Bouncing to look after him, I'm sure we could have done ... something for him. Now he's just another young lad whose future will be forever in doubt. It's sad, isn't it?

You seem to be laughing.

"Well, we of the Southern Wastes celebrate injuries in our own way..."

Er... Moving on. Are you happy with your own team? Was it easy for you to adapt your training methods to such a set of novice players?

"Well, look, the material I had to work with. When I watched the teams's lamentable performance last season, I knew I had to do something. But it was going to be difficult. It's like you want to make an omelette, it's no good if the eggs are too lazy to get in the pan. I mean, look at the Nordstrom brothers, both too lazy to get up and play. Did they have to get broken? No. Was I upset when they disappeared? Certainly. But is their sister Viktoria a markedly better player? Of course she is!

"Besides that, of course, Jon-Jon and Nystrom, lovely boys both of them, but they've both been a little fragile this year. I keep telling their mothers, just keep rubbing the embrocation in to them and keep the stitches moist, that's all."

Will you be continuing to coach the team next season?

"Well, let's not rule anything out. Clearly, I have my incredible reputation within the Southern Wastes to maintain. But if the Great Northern Razors do show enough commitment in the off season, well, I might deign to provide my services again."

Given your success, how do you feel about not going to the Bowl this year?
Oh, that little exhibition game? No, Irene and I have a vacation planned in the Border Princes, before we return to the Southern Wastes. I think watching a few teenagers kicking a ball around is something for the children. No, I'm not bitter. Why are you saying that? I'm not jealous of any of them. I'm the greatest. The greatest!"

Uh ... ok. How about the persistent rumours that your defensive coordinator is three goblins standing on each other's shoulders inside a old raincoat?

Unintelligible sounds of shouting and screaming

Strangely, although we have recovered the interview recording from Bergmansdottirson's briefcase, we've not seen him since he went to conduct his interview.
HandyKaufman



Joined: Jan 08, 2017

Post   Posted: Jan 20, 2019 - 06:24 Reply with quote Back to top

"RIP Tonly you were the best bar room talent no CBBA could support," Read the now controversial set of InstaBAM photos posted by Alfonzo Feuerbach. The post continued "We should have left yer rat a** out to dry at the Black Lantern."

The images and posts left by Alfonzo made fans and skeptics of the Panthers, wonder if "ZO", Panther's starting blitzer is off base and cruel or just a practical joker.

A Turn 5 Zelon Villareal, foul left Panther linemen, Tonly Todespark calling for his mom in a graphic and grotesque display of bitter humiliation. ZO continued the humiliation in his post game InstaBAM melee.


"Come on Tonly? Crying to mom? I know Zelon's boot landed on your "you'll never be able to stand your guys up again..." but take it like a man... what a complainer!"

The image shown what had been on full display earlier in the match... Tonly's hand cupped over his "guys", crying to mom.

Zo's next picture added to the confusion.

"Sorry to see you go out that way Zelon!" ZO shared a Confederate fan photo, showing Zelon arguing with the ref shortly after his game ejecting boot to ZO's own "guys". Tongue and cheek humor? sincere concern for the man who just high heeled Tonly's life enders? The confusion continued as the spat of pictures and comments continued to dismay.


In a momentous game shifting play ZO's fellow starting team mate, QB Marco Krieglitz-Untern was the victim of the "aide de latte" and took a "Tart D' Prone" from Leonid Kadeyev. Which opened up a swing pass and subsequent turn 8 score.


"That was the funniest **** I have ever seen dood!" post caption from AlfonzoFeuerbach@InstaBAM.zzz.

Pie Chucker Leonid Kadeyev wasn't out of ZO's maddening eyrie. ZO's following InstaBAM post Kadeyev can be seen just after a ZO blitz that sent him seeking professional help for the rest of the game. ZO went on.

"hey PIE CHUCKER.. Nice TART... LOL!"

"Just Do It Again!" ZO captioned a timely photo of his timely second block of the game. ZO had only 2 blocks all game long both with brutal effectiveness. Russ Valeri and Pie Chucker were disabled from continuing competition.


The Zo Troll came to an end with one final headscratcher. ZO's SPP leading performance was capped by a turn 8 go ahead run for 9 paces and the game clinching 2-1 score.

"Always wanted to be a Rebel!" ZO posted a photo, many believe to be a younger him, wearing a confederate T-Shirt . Leaving many Panther's fans speculating it was a child hood picture of one of the current Northerner's players.
Sharper



Joined: Nov 22, 2006

Post   Posted: Jan 20, 2019 - 12:26 Reply with quote Back to top

ImageCoach Sharper Breaks SilenceImage

Coach Sharper spoke for the first time at his new post at the Reikland State University Scorpions ahead of their fourth game of the season, making a point that the team isn't getting ahead of themselves with three wins under their belt.

"No, its a strong competition, like always, and a long season. We still take each game as they come, I won't have any talk about the Bowl. We take on Averheim University in the next few days, and that is where our focus is."

"Yes, I'm thrilled to be given another chance to coach in the CBBA, and no, i did not leave the Buccaneers on bad terms at all. They are a good university and a good team, and they chose to follow a different path at this time in regards to who coaches them.
Wozzaa



Joined: Apr 23, 2016

Post   Posted: Jan 22, 2019 - 08:34 Reply with quote Back to top

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It's crunch time in CBBA. Who will make the Bowl playoffs, who will have to settle for the Ribbon, and who will get an early break?

The Positions of the Black Mountain Conference is already locked in with the Eagles having taken top spot. Unbelievably, the Cockerels have made the Ribbon playoffs for the first time in their history.

In the All Imperial Conference all three teams have a shot at the bowl. Be sure to tune in on the last few rounds. Who will make the cut?

Some amazing performances have led to the Diavoli with an unassailable lead in the Great Ocean Conference. They face the Clippers in the final round, who need to win to ensure the Chevaliers don't leap frog them for the Ribbon position.

In the Northern Conference, the Manticores need a big win against the Bulls to usurp them from the top spot.


Last edited by Wozzaa on Jan 22, 2019 - 19:12; edited 1 time in total
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