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Joined: Oct 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 01, 2020 - 13:27 Reply with quote Back to top

Originally an unsanctioned tournament a young laird of the Deserted isles set up to humble our benevolent plutocrat Silky Wilkinson the Secret Tentacle Smack has evolved over the last few seasons.

This tournament sees unknown teams appear from across lands and seas to battle it out. More prestige has befallen this minor with last seasons champions going on to seize the Wilkinson sword.

Silky saw revenue so put his trusty side kick me, The Mascara Snake and one time session clarinet player for the Tentcles in charge.

This season see me ring the changes dropping the Knock out format in preference of 2 small pools for round robins.

TheTropical Hot Dog Night!Division

Takes place in the southern most stretches of the land and sees a heinous mix of pygmies, snakemen and half orcs chased out the realm by a pious bunch of witch hunters.

The Ash tray heart Division

Is in the mystic North some call it more civilized that way but with Undead pirates sited, deamons of Khorne, dryads and brave set of Boder princes trying to fight the good fight civility is surely out the window.

The Smack will be quick fire, who will be in the winners circle?


Joined: Oct 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 02, 2020 - 11:24 Reply with quote Back to top

Littleman Syndrome taking on the Tallahasee Rattlers.

Osbbl has never seen Snakemen, of course some have said I, the Mascara Snake was a snakeman but this is a fallacy. I am a metaphysical being comprised of saltwater tears and futile dreams. Ever since the Bishop of Bathon Wells and the delicious Hersey man handled the Snakes out of the isles there have been few sightings of any Snakes. But shortly after the demise of the Bishop, a new brand of Snake Jazz could be heard echoing to the south of the Deserted Isles. Everybody knows that where there is Snake Jazz, Snakemen are soon to follow.

Littleman Syndrome, seemingly driven mad by the incessant Snake Jazz, arrived in the deep south chasing the mystic Snakemen wishing to skin them and make nice boots to match their top hats. Waffa Herres and "Rowdy" Rod Potstirrer both said as much at the prematch weigh-in. Well, mostly pointing, laughing and using sticks to measure their feet.

The Littleman started the game well and disrupted the Snakes' first drive, holding them to 0-0. This came at a cost though, with the Littleman only lining up 6 players at the second half. The Rattlers overwhelmed the wee fellas and despite valiant efforts, the Snakes took a 1-0 victory.

Could these Snakes go all the way? The Syndrome go on to battle against the Witch Hunters.

Tropical Hot dog nights will only get hotter

Joined: Oct 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 03, 2020 - 05:23 Reply with quote Back to top

The Ashtray Heart Division opens in a stale mate.

Well it is the Mascara Snake here again and let me tell you on my jaunt to the Northerly provinces the action has just gotten hotter.

Bloody Marvelous! again dedicated followers of Khorne eagerly flock to the Secret Tentacle Smack looking to bring Blood to the blood god. Though none have managed to take the mantle of tackling a full league season. No Daemons of Khrone though have brought a Blood Thirster like "The Strawberry Alarm Clock".

Rum and Risen
Shambled in on a ship looking for the Hell hole of the south (strangely located in the north-ed). While setting foot on land to terrorize the locals they seemingly caught some of the Gun boat Diplomacy's game on Cabal Vision. Having a previous run in with the Elves they thought they should get involved in Osbbl's minor comp.

This game was as to and fro as the ocean lapping at the side of the ship. Edward Queenie the Rum's go to man seemed to have done enough to take the match but some how the intoxicating musk of the Strawberry Alarm clock put the Vampire lord off. 0-0 probably a fair result in the end.

Joined: Oct 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 04, 2020 - 06:00 Reply with quote Back to top

Garden over watered

The second match of the Ashtray heart saw a hearty bunch of Dryads take on the rabble like Border princes.

Artemis' Garden was originally planted to please the visitors and allow people to frolic in the woodlands. A school boy team took to using the woods as a practice place though and gayfully tossed their football around. As ever it ended up deep in the trees and the restless woods came out to join in quickly making mince meat out of the school boys a local gave them a flyer for the Tentacle smack.

The Knaves of the Coffee table a rabble of rouges and brawlers with one thing on their mind to follow the orders of Krull the Warlord, problem is Krull often is distracted in his thoughts.

The Northern rains came flooding in during the first half and this seemed to lead to the Garden being some what over watered. Very quickly the Willows wilted and would not return. The Border Knaves harried and harassed the garden who were hot on attack and turned over the ball to run it in for a late score.

Though the weather cleared up in the second half the Dryads never blossomed and though deep in the second half the forest finally awoke and killed an innocent rouge it was all to little too late. I would not bet against this band of Knaves going all the way.

Joined: Oct 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 04, 2020 - 06:05 Reply with quote Back to top

So in love with the Secret Tentacle Smack and its new format the locals of the Deserted Isles fashioned up some hastily arranged gifts for the winners of each division.



Though these bizarrely fashioned tokens will bestow two of our "lucky" division winners trophy cabinets it tis the Smack trophy it's self they are truly lusting for.

Joined: Oct 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 05, 2020 - 09:47 Reply with quote Back to top

Bloody Marvelous Slip up in the Garden

Twas a night indeed in the garden the heat beating down upon the stadium and it seemed to make the Dryads of Artemis garden just a bit more buoyant. Bloody Marvelous!let the heat get to there head setting about to removing most of their own side.

Numerous sacks on Celestia couldn't stop the trees shuffling into the end zone.

Artemis' garden took control in the second half and again they plodded and plotted there way up the pitch. The Khonrist managed a sack but they got bogged down deep on their line and in the end a lose ball popped straight into Celestia's willowy grasp and she crossed the line again.

Another CAS and best in show for the Smack's favourite Blood thrister The Strawberry Alarm clock.

Joined: Oct 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 05, 2020 - 10:11 Reply with quote Back to top

Knaves seal the Ash tray Heart

The Knaves came into this game with a swagger in their step and they really do look the part can they be on of the minor league misfits who go on to seal the Majors (No pressure @Arthur Wynne -ed), well we like them. Lucien de la Morte has the cocky swagger of a title winner.

The Khorne side have struggled through the Smack they have mostly spent there time eating each other with the understanding that all blood is good for the blood god.

The Strawberry Alarm clock went into this game seemingly intoxicated by the infamy heaped upon him in these parts. He cast a wry smile over the crowd before charging head long at a Knave before charging straight into the crowd to eat a stranger (safes the cultists-ed).

From this point onward the Khrone team looked far from Marvelous as the Lark twins and Krull set about in a workman like performance.

King Cobra and de La Morte clocked two touch downs between them and this was enough to seal a place in the tentacle Smack final and be gifted with the locals token of the Ash tray heart.

Joined: Oct 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 07, 2020 - 02:34 Reply with quote Back to top

Flying Discs and Itchy Britches

The Mezzo-Soprano Hunters were suspiciously absent in the first round of the Secret Smack. Rumour has it the half-orc opponents had whispered rumours of flying Tzeneetch discs in the lower foot of the mountains. Mr Whippy himself inncensed by the idea led his rabble of Zealots afar on a mission to catch them. I guess the Half orcs must die another day.

Joined: Oct 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 07, 2020 - 04:27 Reply with quote Back to top

Orcs Must die Tomorrow.

The Tallahasee Rattlers went into this match as favourites mostly due to the fact nobody really knew who these half orcs were. Post match though Diego Elderon truly is a house hold name coming close to his Larson (We all know he wouldn't throw the ball though). The Rattlers were clearly rattled and their coach will doubtless be focusing on Blocking on the training feild rather than the incessant Snake Jazz dancing of the post pygmy victory party (This joke only works if people actually watch Rick and Morty-ed).

The Half orcs showed discipline in slowly removing Snakes seemingly at at their leisure. The Rattlers made a late rally but with "slick" Chad Hunter falling on his face close to the line all hope slithered (get it-ed) away. The Rattlers will shake themselves off and regroup, the Half orc will die another day I am sure.

Joined: Oct 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 08, 2020 - 10:28 Reply with quote Back to top

Chronic Cricket eating is a sin

The Mezzo Soprano Hunters came out of the Wilderness in a flagellant mood (Is that even a pun or just plain lazy-ed). Having whipped themselves into a frenzy chasing the flying discs they took on the colossus that is Little man syndrome.

Repent they bellowed Repent....

Lord only knows they repent now though the poor pygmies have no clue what they did wrong.

3-0 to the Witch hunters.

Joined: Oct 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 08, 2020 - 12:30 Reply with quote Back to top

Half Orc Half Biscuit

Plucky is the word the locals are using for these wee fella's plucky a big crowd came to have a view of what was expected to be a massacre after the last outing against the Witch Hunters.

And they showed tenacity in taking the first score of the game with Lesley Unchained skipping around the Half Orcs.

On their kick Lesley some how buoyed by the score ran up and caught their own kick. The Half orcs though now picked on the Little folks ability not to get into a fight and slowly took the game and the wee folk by the Jugular.

The Pgymies were not short of Pluck and almost had a chance to tie up the game, but it is Orcs Must Die Another Day that take the Tropical Hot Dog Night! trophy.

Joined: Oct 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 17, 2020 - 04:24 Reply with quote Back to top

Tentacle Smack final

Mezzo-Soprano Hunters 2-0 Artemis' Garden

Well the Smack final saw two teams that made it the hard way to the final rumour had it that the hastily made tokens gifted to the pool winners were possibly cursed and both the Tropical hotdog and the Ashtray heart have been turfed into the ocean (They certainly are not on display-ed). The only trophy that is really coveted though is the tentacle Smack and this would be awarded to the victor (Who is this Victor twice you have talked about him-ed).

The massive issues with the Cabal vision almost hindered the whole match and certain members of the crowd felt it was Mezzo-Soprano who had called it ungodly in previous interviews with scribes, though the scribes were also called ungodly and defenestrated. Either way both teams looked on point.

Artemis’ Garden received and looked to take control of the game, they slowly rooted themselves around the line of scrimmage and then broke deep into the Mezzo’s half. They did not count on Mr Whippy something inciting him and he skipped around several players to beat down Faye the ball carrier, he was taken to task and visited the KO box after but this was enough for the Soprano’s to get up the field for the first score.

Artemis’ garden looks like it needs a bit more attention as not for the first time the Willows started weeping again and ended uprooting from the game. This made Celestia feel the pressure of expectation and the sap excreting from her seemingly was not helpful with her ball handling. The Bitch hunter general slipped past to only slip on some of this excrement on her way over the line. 1-0 at the half.

Despite the garden rallying. They could not hold back the Witch hunters in this mood and the second half saw them cross the line again. The Smack was awarded to Mezzo-Soprano Hunters. A young reporter suggested writing an opera about it and was promptly burnt at the stake along with several other spectators. There was no revelry in the post match celebration, but to be honest me and the garden fled due to the high likelihood of being turned into stakes or burnt upon them.

The Smack has been a roaring success and the memories, like the many burnt remains left by the hunters will be etched in our mind for a long time.

On to the Sucker cup final and season 5. Lets hope I get some good company in the commentary box.

Snake out.
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