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Joined: Apr 04, 2008

Post   Posted: Oct 17, 2016 - 10:40 Reply with quote Back to top

It is almost unheard of for a human to coach a High Elf team. Once in a while a human will band together a group of outcasts from lesser clans and try to turn them into something on the pitch. This is not that story.

These elves are pure bloods and they know it. They are champion archers of perfect precision and poise. And they know it. Their haughty nature led to the resignation of 27 of the best High Elf coaches around. There is no longer a High Elf coach willing to take the job. But blood bowl regulations demand that every team have a coach or they cannot take the pitch.

The team decided to hire someone to take the roster spot. As no other Elves would take it they were forced to go slumming. They settled on Coach Kondor as the name brings less dishonor than the other options available. He shows up to the games, collects his paycheck, and knows better than to try and do his job.

These High Elves are the best players in the game. They know it an you should know it. If somehow the scoreboard at the end show that you scored more than they did it is only due to the capriciousness of the gods and the fates. These Elves do not pray to Nuffle for they know that he could not make their team.

Behold the Archers of Avelon!


This thread will largely be a team Blog where I can record the fluff for my team. As a thread is often lost in time, the exploits of the team will also be recorded in the Bookshelf managed by our librarian AKA Renton.

Last edited by Kondor on Oct 17, 2016 - 10:54; edited 1 time in total

Joined: Apr 04, 2008

Post   Posted: Oct 17, 2016 - 10:41 Reply with quote Back to top

“Big deal.” Kondor muttered as he watched the Fumbbl Badges being tattooed to the Archer of Avalon players.

“Did you say something Scrub?” snarled Noneta the Archer star.

Finding the courage to risk his job Coach Kondor blurted his response. “So you tacked 5 on a halfling team. Big deal! You then have the audacity to tattoo it to your overpaid hides. If you were half as good as you think you are, you would do that to a real team.”

In a second the ink needles stopped and every elf was on its feet. The question seemed to be if they would tattoo Kondor before they threw him out or not.

Now that it had begun he couldn’t stop. “Try hanging that number on the Charioteers, Sleepers, or Nandorians and see where that gets you. Humiliated is where. Shoot, I bet the Samiches, Cranberries, or those Rank Amateurs people are talking about would mop the floor with ya!”

Nienna was the closest elf and she grabbed Kondor by the scruff of the neck and pinned him to the table. “The only question is what ink you get before you are fired.” She snarled to the hoot of the others.

Revwe put a hand on her shoulder in a bid for calm. “He gets the 5-0 tat just like the rest of the team. Then we prove him wrong. He’s our new mascot. He will attend the matches topless so everyone can see our glory. He will book games against as many of these overhyped teams as he can get. The name of each one we play will be tattooed to his hide along with our record against them.”

Revwe then turned to address her “coach.” “Do you have a problem with that?” she smirked.

Kondor returned the grin and pointed to the inside of his bicep. “Put it here. This one I am not too fond of.”

Joined: Apr 04, 2008

Post   Posted: Oct 17, 2016 - 10:42 Reply with quote Back to top

Kondor stifled a chuckle because he knew what was good for him. The Archers were in no mood to humor a gloating coach. Rather they were all nursing bumps and bruises. Some injuries were worse than others.

After being pressed into a "free" tattoo job, Kondor had gone out and found a match against a foe he knew would give this elf team more than they could handle.

Time after time elves were carted off to the bench as Unacceptable Behavior pummeled them into submission. The final result would have been a slice of humble pie for most teams. Yet the Archers refused their helping and chose to cast the blame elsewhere.

"Kondor," shouted Iondil. "Where did you find that useless wizard? His incompetence is matched only by yours. Seriously, had he zapped that ball carrier somewhere we could have picked up the ball instead of bouncing it to a wight, the score of this game would have reflected the true talent on the field. Not only that but you must not have paid that ref enough. There were three blatant fouls and he only ejected two players."

The other Archers moaned their agreement. Shaking his head he handed Vanaantien a bag of Ice for her knee then proceeded to wrap Kydeth's shoulder. Clearly more pie was needed.
Result = Loss 1-2

Last edited by Kondor on Oct 17, 2016 - 10:59; edited 1 time in total

Joined: Apr 04, 2008

Post   Posted: Oct 17, 2016 - 10:43 Reply with quote Back to top

“Are you kidding me? Another batch of filthy undead? Can’t you find us a dignified match that would not require a full body cleansing upon conclusion?” Scolded Nienna. “I don’t want to go near them let alone block them.”

“Shut your trap Nienna!” Snapped Revwe. “This is a golden opportunity to make up for the last fiasco. Today I do not care about the score. We are going to provide the fans with a dazzling passing sensation. I want to see the precision of master archers at work today.”

Kondor took his normal seat near the wall by the trash can. The Archers had been decisively handled by a crew of undead 6 days earlier. These elves had not realized it yet but what they faced today was a vastly different squad to the one that had pummeled them relentlessly. These were not Shambling Undead. There would be no mummies on the field today. In their place would be immovable constructs known as golems and lightening quick werewolves with armor rending claws. With any luck, this match would be as painful as the last.

Shortly after the opening whistle, Kondor was to be disappointed. The clumsy ghoul failed to pick up the ball and the Archers put themselves in scoring position. Tiffadoon picked up the ball in traffic and passed it to Nonetta. She would quickly toss it to Revwe who would score the initial point. It only went downhill from there. Eventually the elves would score two more times, demonstrate some aerial maneuvers with the ball, and even hurt one of the werewolves. Kondor could only sulk on the bench this was not the match he had anticipated and he feared the night had only begun.

Several hours later Kondor found himself in the side room of the gaily lit wine tavern known as the Shining Bauble staring up at sparkling chandelier. An elderly gnome cheerfully dipped a rusty needle into a pot of pink ink before jabbing it repeatedly into Kondor’s left shoulder. He was working on one of two tattoos the group would receive today. This badge was called “Piggy in the Middle,” and was earned by throwing a pass every time you had a chance to do so. Eight passes were completed over the course of the match and even Kondor had to begrudgingly admit that it was a nice display of passing. The other badge sported a flaming football and was called “We can all QB.” It represented the fact that 6 different elves completed a pass this game. Again, it was no small feat. Add to this the fact that the Archers of Avelon won the game and Kondor was really in no mood for celebration.

The elves on the other hand were on top of the world. “Raise a glass to Revwe! The lass who laid out a plan to pick apart those filthy creatures.” Someone shouted with predictable cheers. Another high voice popped up. “And another glass to Idhrenfineth. The Beauty who leveled the Beast.” More shouts rang out.

“By Nuffle!” thought Kondor. “This will go on all night.” So, as he stared at the candles flickering in the chandelier he tried to ignore merriment and the trembling gnome hand that mercilessly jammed a small hunk of metal into him repeatedly. All the while he plotted. We will see how merry they are after the next match.
Result = Win 3-0 Vs We're Werewolves

Last edited by Kondor on Oct 17, 2016 - 11:06; edited 1 time in total

Joined: Apr 04, 2008

Post   Posted: Oct 17, 2016 - 10:43 Reply with quote Back to top

In the locker room perched above the stands, the Archers of Avelon were in an uncommonly good mood. They were coming off a three to nil win over the We’re Wolves of Tanzwut that featured a double Fumbbl Badge performance. Today their predictably inept human coach Kondor had done the unexpected and booked a home game against storied Khemrian team known as the Angry Newscasters. At last this was the chance to show the Blood Bowl world the flare and greatness of High Elf perfection while shining a light on a bag bones that was past its prime. Move over you dusty bandage heap a new team is destined for greatness!
The press box on the Angry Newscaster sideline was nearly silent. That is as to be expected when the MC has no vocal cords and his assistant’s cords are so desiccated that only groans and mumbles make it through his mummified jaws.

What follows is a transcribed translation of the hand signals and groans that came from the press box during the match.

“Welcome Blood Bowl fans. Today Coach Carlo brings the Angry Newscasters against an upstart High Elf team “coached” by a human known as Kondor. It seems about 14,000 fans of the Newscasters have left their resting places to watch some sport. On the other side about 30,000 of the living have climbed on the Archer of Avelon bandwagon.

On the field, the Archers are stretching and hopping around. There should be more of that later when they are stretched apart and perhaps missing a lower limb. In the meantime they bounce around to stay warm as a freak snow storm blew in this morning.

The stoic heroes of unlife have now found their places on pitch and prepare to receive the kick.

The ball is in the air and two elves have been knocked out. What a beautiful display of artful kicking. Skeleton after skeleton is stomping on downed elves. The dwarven referee is admiring the spectacle and wait… Stefano has carried the ball into the end zone. He must have confused Carlo’s stomp sign with a score sign. No..No…Carlo actually held up the score sign. What a stroke of genius by the master coach. This will force the elves to stand up rather than curl in the fetal position. That ploy seemed to be working too well.

The two teams square off again, and…It’s a blitz!! Marvelous! Another elf on the floor and ….wait a minute…That dirty dwarf just kicked out a skeleton. That was not a foul! He barely touched him! The elves have cleared the ball somewhere near the end zone but the real game is at midfield where the smash fest continues.

Well that is the first half and while the scoreboard reads 1-1 the casualty box show that only 8/12 elves will come out for the second half.......

My oh my, what a beautiful pounding. We are in the closing minutes of the match. Three elves are badly hurt and another has a groin strain. (Be sure to ice it and work it Revwe.)

Wait a moment. I thought this was an elf team. The dodging Wrestler Tifadoon tripped and….has died? Can we get confirmation on that? It looks like she pulled off Marco’s hand in an effort to get away and when she fell, her weight landed on it. Yes it is confirmed his middle finger penetrated her trachea. He should patent that move. It was a masterful play.

Look at that. I almost missed it. Stefano is not to be out done. He just crushed the elf star Throthradir. She is rolled to the sideline grasping her back in agony.

Seconds to go and the ball is loose. The rookie catcher is in the end zone alone. Noneta plucks it from the ground and lobs it over….No! Giampiero plucked it from the air. Who knew a mummy could leap…well he didn’t leap he stretched… well, he kind of got in the way and somehow he has it.

That is it. Time is up. This game will go into the books as a Glorious Draw in favor of the Newscasters! Thanks for tuning in and we will see you on the pitch next week!

In the recovery room below the stadium the mood was different than prior to the match. Ice baths and hot tubs were full of elves as they struggled to come to grips with what had just happened. The body bag in the corner reminded everyone of the glory to be found on the pitch but Throthradir’s and Ioelena’s agony was too audible to ignore.

Kondor smiled knowingly as Revwe addressed the team and he addressed her injured groin muscle.

“We were robbed of glory today. The capriciousness of the Fumbbl Gods saw fit to hand the ball to box of bandages in the final seconds. Clearly we showed our skills to the Blood Bowl world today. This travesty that resulted in a draw has brought a measure of expected glory. From here on we will only fly higher.

Now let us have a moment of silence for the passing of Tiffadoon. Later we will have a vacation party for Ioelena, Vanaantien, and Throthradir. They will be taking some extended leave to nurse their injuries.

Kondor excused himself and went to his office to dispatch a message. "Thanks for the match Coach Carlo. It went as planned. I look forward to our next encounter and hope it goes about as well as this one did."
Result = Draw 1-1 vs Angry Newscasters

Joined: Apr 04, 2008

Post   Posted: Oct 21, 2016 - 08:47 Reply with quote Back to top

It was noon at the Shining Bauble and lunch would soon be served. Normally, the Archers of Avelon would not arrive at their preferred wine bar so early but several players were sidelined due to injury and that meant practice had been light and ended early. Idhrenfineth unrolled a canvas to the chuckle of Noneta and Revwe. Each grabbed a quill and began marking up the drawing with suggestions. After some time deliberating they were satisfied with the result.

With the job well done Noneta called to the lad who acted as the team courier affectionately known as Archie. “Tell the rest of the team to come in here and bring Kondor with you. We have a bit of a surprise for him. Oh, and go find The Gnome. We have business with him later.”

The obedient boy opened the door and summoned the rest of the team from the neighboring alcove. Kondor strolled in a few moments later. “What do you need me for?” he asked warily.

Revwe answered. “We thought it was appropriate to introduce the journeymen elves to the coach before the next match.”

Kondor was puzzled. “I thought you chose Robert, and the twins Aaron and Albert. They seemed skilled enough for the line.”

“Yeah, well there has been a ….change,” snickered Nienna. “Meet Roberta, Adresin, and Aelrue. They will take the line in the next game.”

Image Image Image

Elves all looked alike to Kondor but he humored the Archers and turned to meet the new hires. But this just was not right. Twin she elves…? The one on the end…Roberta looked like a guy in drag… No. The coincidence was too much. He looked closer. These were not moving quite right. They seemed uncomfortable….even pained.

“Impossible.” He muttered in confusion and turned toward the team leaders, but his thought process was disturbed when the old gnome Corbis bumbled into the room with his bag of tools in tow.

“Ye got more work fer me?” he shouted. “Ahh, Hi Kondor. I see you met the three team converts. I gotta be honest, I did not expect a call fer that job.”

Kondor saw a pair of chipped and bent hedge clippers poking out of Corbis’ bag and a cold chill ran down his spine as the ramifications and horror of the situation sank in.

“I can’t believe you did this Corbis. Forced tattoos are one thing, but this is just beyond comprehension.”
Corbis laughed. “They are elves. Trust me, it really was a ‘small’ job. They probably never used those things for anything besides takin’ a wizz anyway.”

The coach turned back to the team. He was befuddled and almost speechless. All he could manage was the one word question of “Why?”

“There are many reasons.” Responed Revwe with certainty. “The most obvious is to prove commitment. The skills of these elves are acceptable so we made a deal. If they survive the next match they get a permanent spot on the team in exchange for a literal piece of them. Additionally, as you can imagine, this process often fosters a mean streak in an elf.”

“That is a certainty.” Muttered the still disbelieving Kondor.

Revwe continued. “Really this is not uncommon among elven Blood Bowl players. Idhrenfineth is a fine example of how this can work well. She hits harder than any other elf on the team. I believe her commitment and raw emotion stems in part from this procedure.”

Kondor turned to Idhrenfineth who grimaced and shrugged.

“But we have to confess to an ulterior motive.” She stepped aside and revealed the canvass still unrolled on the table. “You see, we have plans for you Kondor. You are the reason we invited The Gnome.”

After seeing the three rookies, Kondor immediately prepared for the fight of his life. He had kids all over the old realm and he did not plan to stop now. Shoot there were even several half-orc bastards wandering around that looked almost identical to him.

“Relax.” Said Nienna. “We are not requiring that. At least not for now.”

Noneta spoke up. “This is just our plan for how we will continue tattooing your back side. Now that we are all female and all attractive, we are stealing the Amazon badge Pretty as a Picture. And you are getting a tramp stamp.”

Someone poked him in the small of the back and shouts of approval erupted.


“No way in hell!!” he shouted but Nienna and Idhrenfineth grabbed him by each arm and pushed him to the floor.

“Quit struggling” said Corbis as he set a familiar pot of pink ink next to Kondor’s head and reached into his bag for his needle collection. “I want this to be a work of art.”

After a few moments, Kondor resigned himself to the inevitable and acquiesced. “Archie” he called.
The young courier kneeled next to the coach.

He spoke quietly so only the courier could hear. “Please contact the coach also known as Renton. Tell him to move the date for our game. If possible I want it played tomorrow. These whores don’t know who they are messing with."


Last edited by Kondor on May 02, 2017 - 11:19; edited 1 time in total

Joined: Apr 04, 2008

Post   Posted: Oct 21, 2016 - 12:10 Reply with quote Back to top

“Ahh, the smell of death in the air.” The old necromancer also known as Renton opined. “Blood Bowl at its finest.”

Kondor extended his hand in a genuine display of friendship to the old buzzard. The necromancer was ancient but surprisingly the centuries had done little to mar his youthful visage. This creature showed true beauty in his care for the undead. With patience and love he cultivated zombie after zombie until the shambling mass came to resemble a real team. There is a certain beauty laced with insanity in the efforts.

“So, Renton. Tell me about your creations. We have a few moments before the game.” Said Kondor.

Like a child telling of his prized toy soldier collection Renton began to ramble with pride.

“You know one of the biggest problems with zombies is their shamble. No matter how quick they were in life with death they become rigid and slow. I found the solution. It is simple really. You just need to stretch out the tendons. Each night my ghouls stretch the leg muscles and massage the ligaments to give them a little flexibility. It took decades but Mattie and Monti move as well as a line orc now.” Beamed the coach with affection. “But my pride and joy is Howie. In a foot race I would wager that he can match some of those elves in speed. Not only that, but he is often able to pick up the ball. I know it is incredible but he seems to have retained a bit of ball handling skills from his former playing days.”

Kondor let out a slow whistle genuinely impressed. Then he pointed at a hulking mound of muscle. “What about that one? He is as big as a Black Orc.”

“Yes, yes, yes!” cried Renton with pride. “That is Cullan. He was actually once a chaos warrior. I pulled him out of his useless armor and that is what I found. But he does resemble a Black Orc. I had never noticed the resemblance to be honest. I had to tickle him mercilessly for fifteen years to awaken his viscous side. Now he strikes out at any non-zombie that comes near him. I would be sure to keep my distance if I were you.”

“I will remember that…and be sure not to tell my team. Renton, you are a true artist. I better go back to my sideline. Don’t forget our deal.” Said Kondor as he started back across the field without taking his eyes off Cullan.

“Of course. Of course. Now go play.” Waved Renton.

When he got back to his sideline Revwe stepped over to talk with him. “Back to back home games versus storied franchises. I expected much less from you Kondor. Especially when you consider the circumstances.”

The whistle blew and both team's starting players took the field. Kondor sat on the bench next to the gnome Corbis. “So have you ever worked as an apothecary before?” he asked.

Corbis scratched his beard. “You know, I don’t recall that I have. I have done amateur surgeries, tattoos, dentistry, and a smidgen of shrub trimming. I even did a bit of goat herding. The shepherd said I was an adequate vet. I reckon that makes me as qualified as anyone around here to be an apothecary.”

Kondor just nodded his approval and sat back to enjoy the show.

The Dirty Cranberries elected to kick and as usual the Archers started taking a beating. The Cranberry defense was stellar. The Archers tested each wide zone but could not find a way through.

Corbis saw one elf go down obviously hurt. Her shoulder was no longer properly aligned. At the gnome’s direction she laid on her face on the turf. He looked through his bag and found a mallet but thought better of it and simply stomped on her scapula. There was a pop, a cry of pain, and a curse and then she was back on her feet. After a moment she decided she was ready to go back in.

From that point on elf after elf was carted off the field all with injuries Corbis was ill-equipped to heal. The decision to hire him had turned out as planned.

From the sideline, Kondor took an interest in the exploits of Cullan and Roberta. Roberta, the recently converted she-elf, had managed to injure a zombie. Sure it regenerated as zombies are inclined to do but it was a nice blast none the less. Unfortunately the hit distracted her attention and she failed to see Cullan bearing down on her. As he pile drove her into the turf there was a snap of the neck and a momentarily shiver of a death spasm. Without a moment of hesitation, Renton pulled the corpse to the sideline and bestowed the kiss of unlife. Roberta shivered again, then stood beside her new master.

Meanwhile, a Blood Bowl match continued. Prior to the end of the half, Iondil found her way to the endzone and the teams went to the locker room with the Archers ahead 1-0.

Only eight Archers would answer the second half bell. Both teams punched and gouged as Howie picked up the ball for the Cranberries. They would patiently work their way down field until Howie was in range to tie the ball game.

Along the way the rookie blitzer Rayna would wander too close to Cullan who managed to perfect the play he had introduced to Roberta. This time Rayna’s neck snapped so cleanly that no amount of work by Renton could raise the corpse to his side.

Ignoring the carnage two heroic elves made a move on Howie. Their efforts managed to punch the ball free. It ended up being the deciding play of the match. Neither side would recover the ball and the Archers would go on to win the match 1-0.

When the Archers of Avelon reached the recovery room below the stadium, Idhrenfineth grabbed Kondor. “Good job scheduling the Cranberries” she said “but if our next opponent is not breathing when they take the field neither will you. I don’t want to see more dead opponents for a very long time.

Kondor smiled and nodded. “Sure thing.” He said. “The archers are the boss.”
Match result 1-0 victory for the Archers

Last edited by Kondor on Oct 24, 2016 - 10:57; edited 1 time in total

Joined: Apr 04, 2008

Post   Posted: Oct 24, 2016 - 08:20 Reply with quote Back to top

The post-game interview seemed like it would never end. Blood Bowl correspondents from every realm in the old world had been sent to cover the match. They were not disappointed. The game featured three scores, and nine injuries. It was an excellent game by anyone’s standards. But the reporters were not there for the quality of game play. They had come because the coach had reached a milestone not seen by many Blood Bowl coaches. This match was his 1500th sanctioned game.

Kondor sat comfortably in the spot light and fielded questions. The first question had to come from the Angry Newscaster in the second row. As he had no vocal cords he gestured his question in sign language which was translated by a ghoul by his side.

“With 1,500 games played some people will start mentioning your name for induction into the Blood Bowl Hall of Fame. But your team has only inflicted 462 deaths on the pitch while suffering 512 of your own. Even worse, your team has only committed 1,526 fouls while receiving 2,017 in return. How do you defend these dismal numbers?” translated the ghoul.

Kondor responded. “It is indefensible. But look at the scrubs I have coached. Take a look at the team that played today. Yeah, they injured 6 players but they were all snotlings. In the meantime they had two of their own number killed. When you coach elves your casualty and foul ratios will be low. Rather, I encourage you to look at it from another perspective. How much blood have I offered up to the adoring fans. I mean, who does not like to see an elf get crushed?”

The next question came from a high elf in the back. “What do you have to say to the families of the poor elves killed today? How can you justify this senseless slaughter?”

“Are you even a Blood Bowl fan?” He shouted back. “Someone get that pacifist out of here before I vomit.”

A security ogre already had grabbed the protester and broken his arm to the applause of the attending reporters. He was escorted out the side entrance where the beating began in earnest.

“Tell us about your new line of tattoos. They don’t seem to fall within the regulations of the Badging Commission.” Queried a dwarf on the left.

“Oh yeah. These have turned into a money raising enterprise. My colleague has helped me establish and fund a Gnomish Tattoo Artistry Guild. At least one tattoo tent will be open outside of each Archer game. We hope to open franchises at all of the major stadiums. I personally plan to have two more tats added after the match. Idrenfineth earned the Frenzy badge for injuring 5 players. Revwe stole the Oi Dats Me Leg badge with 8 consecutive dodges.”

The questions continued to pour in as the Archers of Avelon fumed. How could this useless bumbler get all of the attention when they are the ones who won the match? Now Kondor was making extra gold off the tattoos they had given him. Somehow Kondor would pay.

Eventually Kondor was able to extract himself. He had an appointment with Coach C98. As he hurried down the corridor he ran into the team apothecary/tattoo artist.

“Corbis, I thought we had a deal. As the apothecary I chose for the Archers, I thought we had a clear understanding of when you are to help an elf. That injury to Noneta was clearly a bad one. What gave you the bright idea to try to help?”

Corbis was quick to explain. “Yeah, that laceration was a bad one. I saw it initially spurt all over the ogre that hit her. I ran in and opened it up a little to make sure the ogre got credit for the kill. I think I ‘accidentally’ nicked an artery.”

“Ok. Well done Corbis. Here is you bonus. I will see you a little later for my new tattoos. I’ve decided there is no use in fighting it. Now I am off to see Coach C. I need to negotiate. He did better than I expected.”

With a quick nod Kondor was again moving down the corridor and thinking of the future. Sure the team was not broke, but they had lost some of their more skilled players. It would be a while until the rookies were skilled enough to deal with another heavy hitting team like these Ogres, the Newscasters, or even the Cranberries. Time for a road trip through the elven kingdoms. The hour had come to see if the Archers could play elfball or if they were simply meant to be punching bags.

Coach C98 was in the Big Boss Chair with his back to the door. When Kondor came in, the snotlings scattered to hide behind ogres and the ogres took a menacing step to confront him.

“Easy fellas. I am here to see the Boss.” Said Kondor with his hands stretched out to show he meant no harm.

C98 spun around in his chair. His appearance was exactly what you would expect from a wealthy crime boss. His fine white robe of seal fur draped his shoulders and the tunic beneath was of the finest Cathy Scarlet fabric. On each finger of his massive hands was a gaudy jewel encrusted ring of untold value. His countenance was also that of a man you did not want to make an enemy of. His body was slender and wiry, and his face was chiseled in stone. His thin mustache stood out as it marked him as a prideful member of the working cast.

“That was an impressive show your boys put on out there today.” Kondor chuckled. “I especially loved the look of shock on that monstrous ogre Pete’s face when an elf knocked his blitzing arse to the ground to start the game.”

Pete growled and moved toward Kondor only to have C98 smile and motion Pete back to the corner.

“Yeah, that was humorous, but Cartman and Callahan did the job. I think you have two fewer elves on your payroll tonight.”

“Indeed.” Kondor responded. “And as agreed you can pick up the extra 2,000 gold per head from your favorite bookie Slick Jimmy. My courier Archie took it over after the match. Just a shame I can’t pay you for Revwe. I thought that ogres would be up to the task. I guess I’ll just have to figure out another way to deal with the problem.”

C98 wasn’t smiling any more. “We took a job and we aim to finish it. That elf better watch her back.”

“Well, I hope you do C.” Chided Kondor, “but I just cannot count on you getting the job done. I will put contingencies into play and see what works out. If you do come through, you know I am good for the gold.”

As Kondor moved back into the corridor he was satisfied that it was just a matter of time before he would have revenge on the entire squad.

Match result 2-1 victor vs Do You Even Lift, Bro

Last edited by Kondor on Oct 24, 2016 - 10:55; edited 1 time in total

Joined: Apr 04, 2008

Post   Posted: Oct 24, 2016 - 10:54 Reply with quote Back to top

With the ogre match in the books the new question was where the Archers of Avelon should go to find their next match. Corbis had mentioned that the nearby glade had a space cleared for games but there did not seem to be a place for fans. The field was so crowded by old growth trees that the canopy was high enough to blot out most daylight.

Acting on a hunch, Kondor sent Archie into the woods with a short message and orders to build a bonfire at mid field if no one had confronted him to that point. Sure enough. As he prepared to set the field a blaze a pair of wood elves dropped from the trees above ready to skewer the poor lad. With the message delivered he fled the woods.

A couple days later a pigeon delivered a note to the inn where Kondor was staying. A team claiming to be the “Best Team” played on that grassy pitch. They accepted the challenge for a game against the Archers of Avelon on condition that all spectators be informed that vandals to the forest would be punished with death.

Happy to accommodate, the match was scheduled and on the appointed day, the Archers appeared for the game. After making an example of three halflings that carved their name on a tree, the game went off without a hitch.

With Archer fans on the ground and Wood Elf fans in the trees, the tactical advantage went to the wood elves. When the Archers scored, stones and debris rained from the trees causing several casualties on the sideline.

Unfortunately the question of which team was the “Best Team” was a question to be settled another day. The game would end with a 1-1 draw. The booing was warranted as the Archers refused to throw a pass all game. It was probably a smart decision with the most agile wardancer ever seen running amazing pass blocking drills before the match. Still, it predictably did not play well with the fans.

Leaving the field with a reasonable amount of gold in the coffers, Kondor determined that it would probably be a good idea to get in a few games against the more agile teams in the Old World.
Result 1-1 draw vs Best team hltv confirmed

Joined: Apr 04, 2008

Post   Posted: Oct 27, 2016 - 12:12 Reply with quote Back to top

Coach Hissa Lives looked out at the elves on the field and spat. Nobody loves an elf and these were no exception. Sure, they were not as snooty as most but on the pitch their game was still top notch.

Rolling Coal had drawn a small following as a perceived working man’s team. For one reason or another each had left their clans and taken up jobs in the outside world. They were now lumberjacks, miners, furriers, and exterminators. Each of their jobs existed as an anathema to what they once were, and yet each provided a valued service to the world. And each was good at his job.

But none of that mattered at this moment. At this moment there was only the ball, the end zone, and an opponent in the way.

On the other sideline Kondor smiled. He learned long ago that there was normally no need to coach elves. They were natural scorers and even on a bad day they kept the game competitive. Today they were on top of their game.

Sure. Ogres did what ogres do and put elf after elf on the bench. But surprisingly, none of the injuries were serious and the gnome apothecary Corbis never even opened his medical bag. For their part, the elves were quick of the ball and twice moved so quickly they blitzed to the ball before the kick even touched the ground.

Clear Cutter was the star of the match racking up a trio of point and injuring a trio of snotlings. It was too much speed for the ogre team and the elves put 7 points on the board. This was a record for Kondor that he had not expected to see.

In the stands, most of the Rolling Coal crowd roared their approval. The exception was a dozen high elves who had arrived a little late with the plan of berating their own coach. Imagine their horror when they watched a bunch of low brow cousins do what none of them had ever done. The Archers of Avelon had never scored six in a match much less seven. With this match Kondor would earn a new measure of respect and be a bit harder to control.

When the match finally drew to a close the other wardancer called Strip Miner presented Kondor with a game ball and a patch. The patch known as “Griddled” was awarded for completing the grid. Now with just over 1,500 sanctioned games Kondor had filled the Fumbbl Grid by coaching one team of ever race against one team of every other race at least once. While the feat was not unheard of, it was rare and worth commemorating.

As they headed to the tavern for refreshments Kondor was happy. The achievement was satisfying, and now he could move on to other projects. The Archers of Avelon would receive more attention and the AARRR league may never be the same. “Buckle-up he thought.” The ride had just begun.

Image Image

Last edited by Kondor on Mar 24, 2017 - 07:20; edited 1 time in total

Joined: Apr 04, 2008

Post   Posted: Mar 17, 2017 - 11:15 Reply with quote Back to top

Inside of the Dutch Tavern on the outskirts of indigenous elven territory, Kondor slouched on a sofa near the dart board. His fingers idly turned the small booklet of badges provided by the Fumbbl Officiating Guild also known as FOG. “I Choose You” was one title. Nominate one player to kill during a match and then kill him on the pitch. At least that would be interesting he thought. Too bad you can’t nominate your own player. That would make it even more interesting.

He glanced at the moondial outside the window and was pleased to see a slender hooded figure hurrying towards the tavern door. With such a bland name as the Dutch Tavern it could easily be mistaken for several other establishments in the Dutch town of Venlo. Pubs and bars seemed about as common as cobblestones.

The figure in a dark purple robe that seemed almost black took a seat in one of the darker corners of the room. It raised a hand clad in an ornate burgundy colored glove with a gesture that demanded service. The rotund barmaid who had been entertaining some drunken rogues hastily straightened her disheveled skirt and hustled to fill the order.

Kondor grimaced and picked up his own glass then gulped down the last swallow of his own elixir. He knew this encounter may be pleasant but it would be costly. Only briefly did he pause to consider if it would be worthwhile.

Moments later the same gloved hand made a similar gesture in Kondor’s direction signaling that the negotiations were at foot.

Kondor decided to make the hooded one wait. He stood and rather than moving to the obscure table he approached the barkeep. Without even exchanging words the man lifted a grey wineskin and refilled the glass with an orange liquid. This time Kondor purposefully took a moment to look at his glass, downed it, and extended it again for one more refill. Only then did he turn and move towards the creature in the corner.

Kondor moved to sit on the stool across the table but the hood shook its head slowly and tapped the cushion next to it demanding that the coach come closer. Again Kondor emptied his glass then moved to the assigned seat. But today Kondor would not go meekly. No, the figure needed to know he could not easily be pushed around.

Without asking permission Kondor grabbed the candle and pushed it close to the velvet cloak illuminating the face that was obscured to the rest of the room.

Below it was a youthful disarming smile. A face that could not naturally be more than 19 years old stared back hard, cold, and alluring. Shoulder length hair as white and soft as down did not even stir as she took long and measured breaths. Her gloved hand found its way to Kondor’s thigh seemingly with a mind of its own.

A sickening and thrilling tingle moved through his body but Kondor forced his mind to focus. In front of him sat the most successful and accomplished slinker in the realm. He had dealings with her before and most of them were not unpleasant, but he knew she should not be crossed and he knew this was not a pleasure trip for her.

“Kondor my sweet” came the melodic voice though somehow her lips barely seemed to move. “What information do you ask of the Organization?”

The “Organization” as she called it was the strongest spy guild in the realm known as the Scarlet Scriers. Their agents were referred to as slinker. Most were trained by the Crown, but the elite were free agents who for reasons of their own took employment on their own terms.

Xolaxlexa only took the most difficult or interesting jobs that were offered. Most corporate espionage bored her but Blood Bowl was her passion. So when the Organization was first approached with Kondor’s original request she latched on to a job that most of her rank would have found demeaning. While the direct profits were not as handsome as political work, she enjoyed the job and always had the option to pawn it off to a guild novice should she choose to do so.

The original job she had done for Kondor was to investigate the orc captain on a coach called Fangbanger’s team the Bad Luck Blackhearts. It turned out that Captain Shorty had a soft spot for goblin mead. The information proved invaluable. On the day of the match Shorty was given enough mead to flatten a troll. He proved unpredictable on the pitch and while he killed a zombie, he was otherwise ineffective.

Since that day, when the situation was dire or an outcome important, Kondor had enlisted the services of the Scarlet Scriers, and every time save once it was Xolaxlexa that had come for the contract.

Now Kondor looked to her and explained the contract. “I need information on every one of the Archers of Avelon. I don’t trust them and I need to know how to control them.”

Xolaxlexa’s eyes sparkled. “Back stabbing I love it! This contract could prove delightful. However, I aim to please so I need more information.” she whispered.

Kondor began to speak but the ruby colored glove slid gingerly across his leg causing him to hesitate.

“No. Don’t tell me.” she hissed seductively. “Show me.”

She had done this before and each time it made Kondor uncomfortable and she knew it. He looked Xolaxlexa squarely in the facade and thought of the name Revwe Larereta and then began thinking of the Archer of Avelon team captain. As he did so, Xolaxlexa’s white hair darkened to an amber brown and her ears took on an elven point. Her eyes faded from almost black and took on a greenish hue. Her chin slightly elongated then rounded and her head actually enlarged slightly. Only her nose did not change. In moments before him sat an elf that looked to be Revwe’s twin sister. Still Xolaxlexa caressed his thigh and chuckled at his involuntary reactions.

Now she leaned in closer. “Who else?” she crooned in Kondor’s ear.

He shook his head to clear the image and thought of the name Nienna Nenharma. Again Xolaxlena’s features began to shift around her unchanging nose until a taller blue eyed blond elf with flush pink lips sat before him smiling more broadly than before.

Xolaxlexa giggled. “So you like this body Kondor. Have you been watching the Archers shower room?”

“That is enough witch.” grumbled Kondor finally pushed the crimson covered hand from his knee. “Let’s see what you can give me on those two and perhaps we will speak more.”

The face still smiled but the voice pouted. “Kondor, is that any way to treat the women in your life?” One more time the features changed and the hair returned to the white it had been before and once again before him sat the 18 year old image of his deceased sister just as it had been when the candle first flickered before her.

“I will prepare your payment as usual. The exchange will be made as usual. But I do have to ask one thing. Are you really even female?” stated Kondor.

Xolaxlexa stood and pulled her cowl more tightly over her face and answered his question with a matter of fact question. “Have you ever wanted me to be anything else?” Without waiting for an answer she continued. “The payment will be half price. A bloodbowl team has a good deal of turnover. I will expect repeat business in this matter. And by the way, congratulations on your win later today.”

“The game today?” thought the confused coach as he dropped payment for the drinks on the table and escorted his changling spy to the door. Once outside he commented. “When they send a reaper for me, I am certain it will be you.”

The hood stopped abruptly and looked him square in the face. What Kondor had thought was an eternal smile quivered and the straightened as the brows lowered into almost a scowl. “You and I are linked more than you can ever know and my destiny comes through you. But even if that were not the case I am not of the murderous Enlightened Dagger. I am of the Scarlet Scriers. Keep that in mind if you want to continue our business together.”

Shaken, Kondor nodded and then bowed. “Thanks be to the services of the Scriers.” he stated.

When he looked up again, the velvet hood was well on its way and Kondor was relieved to be able to get back to his drink and prepare for the Archer’s match against the Danish Champs FC.

Joined: Apr 04, 2008

Post   Posted: Mar 23, 2017 - 10:30 Reply with quote Back to top

Now that was a thing of beauty. The Archers of Avelon had scheduled a pair of matches in the elf country near Venlo. The games did not disappoint. Or at least they did not disappoint Kondor.

Mister Lone Star offered an opening match against a group simply called Next Elf Up. The Murker brought a follow up match against his wood elves called Bad Luck Sux. The results were spectacular! Not only did the lightly equipped lesser elves dance circles around the Archers and beat them 2- 0 and 2-1 respectively, they physically dominated the matches. In the first match an Archer rookie catcher suffered a career ending ankle break. Next, versus The Murker's wood elves, a rookie thrower was killed and the Archer bruiser Idrenfineth took such a blow to the head she did not regain consciousness for days. Her head swelled to the point that her old helmet no longer fits so from here on out she will have to play without one.

The Archers of Avelon were not accustomed to losing. The humiliations were a blow the ego, but ego was something they had to spare. Kondor almost pitied the practice squads they would face in the coming days. The last time they lost a match they mocked the scrubs they faced at practice until one of the linemen brought a hatchet to practice and tried to take his frustrations out on one of the Archers. That did not end well and the rest of the squad refused to continue practice. Ego the archers had in abundance but practice squads were hard to find.

Ah well. The last two matches were well worth the price of admittance.

It was near three in the afternoon when the second match ended, and the coach was in no mood to be around the Archers so he decided to retire to his study and go over research on possible future opponents. Coach C98 had a dark elf team in the region, and rumor was that Squiglet may bring the Six Feet Underdogs to town. Frankly speaking, either would be a profitable match.

Kondor opened a drawer on the white ash desk and searched for a proper quill and a blue ink to mark up the scouting reports. As he did so, a loud chirping began on the window ledge that caught his attention. There stood a rare giant ruby finch with a scroll strapped to its abdomen. The beautiful creature sported magnificent crimson plumage and was easily the size of a common vulture. It was of course, the pet and personal trained messenger of Xolaxlexa.

When the bird saw that it had Kondor’s attention it flew directly to his desk where he could remove the scroll. As per procedure, wrapped around the outside of the scroll was a parchment with instructions for payment.
Kondor rang the bell on his desk summoning his personal assistant Archie, and then unbuckled the strap holding the document to the bird. He unwrapped the parchment and read.

It said “For services rendered, please deliver two grams of painite to any guild hall and reference invoice number 2283.”

Kondor grimaced at the expense, signed the parchment, and reattached it to the finch. Once secured, the bird hopped back to the window and flew westward.

Payment in painite was a common practice of the guild. It was worth more than gold and impossible to track. But more importantly taxes in the realm were paid on gold transactions. By bartering with jewels such as painite rather than using the currency of the realm the guild was able to avoid taxes. As the public rarely interacted in official matters with The Organization, they did not know of the scheme. It allowed the guild to have a public image of a government organization that strictly followed the laws of the land while landing a tidy profit for its senior members.

Shaking his head, Kondor began scribbling on a blank parchment as Archie entered the room. Once complete, he folded it and handed it to the wiry redheaded lad. “Take this to my accountant. The dwarf will give you a small packet. Deliver that packet with this note to the Scarlet Scrier Guild Hall in the Saffron District of Skaven Rock. The journey will be less than a day so I expect you back within two days. Take the provisions you need and sleep in an inexpensive inn within the Market District. Alcohol is prohibited on this journey until you make your final delivery. I do not want to take a risk that you are robbed of your cargo. Am I clear?”

Archie nodded and left. As the door closed, Kondor turned his attention to the scroll before him. Carefully he broke the red wax seal and unrolled it partially on his desk. He then attached the top to one brass spindle and then the bottom another one. The spindles both secured the scroll and allowed the reader to turn a small hand crank to unfurl the scroll further.

Kondor began to read.

SUBJECT: Official Dossier – Nienna Nenharma
FOR: Client – Name Confidential

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION: Race - High ELF, Complexion – Pale, Hair – Blond, Eyes – Blue, Height - 185 cm, Weight - 73 kg, Age – 84 years

BACKGROUND: Born on the elf plantation of Mylhatalos from the house of Nenharma. Mother, Aeritha Nenharma, was a Master Archer and Martial Artist. Father, Ebhirs “Starwanderer” Quinala, is a blood bowl’s legendary catcher of the Phoenix Guard Griffins.

STORY: Nienna was born to Aeritha in the spring of the year of the stag. In the previous year the Phoenix Guard Griffins played some exhibitions in the neighboring town of Ashemel. Starwanderer left Ashemel not knowing or caring that he had sired a child. Aeritha, the wealthy daughter of a well-known bow maker decided to raise the child without informing its father.

Five years later, in the year of the minotaur, Aeritha was conscripted to fight in the battle of Ashemel Gulch against the raiding beastman hoards. With her unparalleled skill she accounted for the confirmed killing of 86 beastmen, 6 minotaurs, and a shagoth with her bow over the course of a two day battle. Her blade additionally dropped an untold number of other assailants. The raid was successfully repelled but Aeritha was lost in the battle. Her body was not recovered and it is assumed that the corpse was carried away by the invading beastmen to be devoured.

As a result of the tragedy, the plantation fell into the hands of Nienna’s aunt on the condition that she provide well for the child. Aunt Glenna raised her in the way of the bow and provided training in elven martial arts.

At the age of 46 the Phoenix Guard Griffins came back to Ashemel. This time Nienna attended the match and was immediately attracted to Starwanderer. What happened between the two is unknown, but when the Griffins left town, Nienna went with them as part of the practice squad. She would become proficient as a thrower and in the following years she bounced from team to team improving her skills.

On her 60th birthday, Nienna joined the Nandorians as a journeyman line elf. In that capacity she worked as circumstances allowed. She tried out for other teams from time to time but never quite cracked into the big leagues.

Finally she got her break eight years ago when a few members of the Nandorain practice squad banded together. Avelon had been without a team for decades due to scandal involving illegal necromancy. Nienna and the other members of the squad pooled their gold to pay the franchise fee and called themselves the Archers of Avelon. Having been starved for a blood bowl team the aging Avelon Stadium was immediately filled to capacity.

POINTS OF INTEREST: Nienna has a burning hatred of everything that is not an elf. While she will tolerate humans and at times halflings, that is her limit. She particularly harbors a grudge against beasts of any species and will go out of her way to cripple of better yet kill these opposing players.

Nienna has been wise with her means since co-founding the Archers. As soon as it was possible she purchased her mother’s plantation from her aunt. The plantation has also been profitable under her ownership and she has recently purchased several surrounding properties.

Nienna has recently taken a romantic interest in the only male elf currently with the Archers of Avelon. She and Meldalf Aedfaere have a complicated relationship. Nienna simply does not trust male elves and while there is a clear attraction, it is unlikely that the relationship will go much further.

SCOUTING REPORT: This elf has no current weaknesses. She worked diligently to improve her ball handling skills and rarely puts it on the ground. She is easily the strongest player on the team. When called upon to pass, her throws are spot on. She has more completed passes than anyone else in Archer history and is second in scoring.

HOBBIES: Nienna enjoys practicing the crippling elven martial art of Pai Talon. The art focuses on lightning strikes at joints and other targeted vulnerabilities.

Before Pai Talon sessions, Nienna religiously practices with her bow. At a minimum she fires 150 arrows down range each day. While not the top marksman on the squad she is easily ranked at a Master Archer level.

For whatever reason, Nienna likes to plant. She has been seen sowing seeds along the roadside, planting avocados in random cemeteries, and inserting teal rose bushes on hilltops and in valleys.

Coach Kondor closed the scroll and put it safely in his lower desk drawer. The information was good and worth every crown he had paid.


Joined: Apr 04, 2008

Post   Posted: Mar 23, 2017 - 19:28 Reply with quote Back to top

Tap, tap, tap came the faint knock at the door.

“Come in..” gurgled Kondor before spitting the remnants of his mouth wash into the sink.

While on the road, the coach's room at the inn doubled as his office. It was not uncommon for someone to arrive unannounced.

The door pushed open and a bulky little halfling waddled through the door. “Mister Kondor I assume?” inquired the confident fellow.

“Yep. That's me.” responded Kondor. “Just leave breakfast on the desk and don't forget the pomegranate juice this time.”

“I don't work for the inn Coach Kondor.” said the halfling shaking his head. “My name is Grimdo Baggins and I represent the Widow and Orphan Guardians.”

Kondor looked puzzled and then remembered. “Ah yeah. I signed autographs for some kids at the arena. You really should bathe them once in a while. They are some scroungy looking little orphans.”

“No...No. Mr. Kondor you are confused. Those were halflings..”

“Sure. Halfling orphans. I would not discriminate against the little buggers.”

“No Sir...” stammered the halfling. “They were a blood bowl team, not orphans.”

Kondor was now very confused.

Grimdo continued. “You did not sign autographs. You signed contracts to play.”

Now Kondor understood and became enraged. “You can't hold me to a contract pushed in front of me at a stadium by a band of hobos misrepresenting themselves as orphans. That is immoral and just plain wrong. I'll file a grievance with the commissioner! I'll...”

Grimdo took a step back towards the door but interrupted. “The game was this morning. The gnome apothecary acted as coach in your absence. Sir...The Archers of Avelon won the match 2-1. Please just tell your team captain that it must have taken a lot of guts to stall our the first half against mighty halflings and their mighty boots.”

Before leaving the room, Baggins pulled a bag of gold from his knapsack and dropped it on the floor.

“Here is your cut for the game. It is clear you earned it.”

Disconcerted, Kondor stood puzzled after Grimdo left. It was disconcerting that the gnome had acted in his stead without permission. Still this was the easiest gold he had ever made. With a shrug he decided to sort it out later. At least he did not need to listen to the Archers brag today.

Last edited by Kondor on Mar 24, 2017 - 06:05; edited 1 time in total

Joined: Mar 07, 2006

Post   Posted: Mar 23, 2017 - 19:47 Reply with quote Back to top

shouldn't this really be a blog?


Joined: Jan 14, 2009

Post   Posted: Mar 23, 2017 - 20:32 Reply with quote Back to top

If it was a blog, I could rate it a 6 - nice stuff Kondor.

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