tussock
Joined: May 29, 2011
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Jan 11, 2016 - 11:56 |
 
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Terence, what's the latest on those Chaos Dwarf legends?
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Well, Phillip, word has it there's been a reprieve, there was a fuss over conflict of interest with the Large Head-On Colliders set to appear in something called "The Urn", but that's been sorted with a hefty palming of gold and they'll be allowed back in the Harlequins of Despair Conference in due course.
If I ever find out how they were planning on fitting a whole team of monsters in a small jar in the first place, I'll let you know. But fair warning, it may be grim.
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Jolly good, Terence, the crowd will love that. But now ...
 A Season 63 Preview bought to you by great servings of delicious funeral pie at your nearest Mr Whippy's outlet: just look for the space with no people in a crowd, it's actually full of halflings that you can't see because they're so short. They know where the pies are.
Though we are only dealing with the regionals here.
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Phillip, the regions are composed of past and future champions alike, the fans turn up in droves, and for goodness sake the most feared Goblin team to ever grace a league is found right here. Still, you're right, the rest of the team are a bunch of no-hopers who should be ashamed of their inablity to raise funds for a sufficient bribe to get out.
The Emily Regional has three teams demoted from Conferences for failure to perform, four hanging around the Regionals from last season, no fresh teams at all, and an as-yet unknown filler team because everyone's too scared to play those Goblins first up.
 Mad Midguardians Rating 190, treasury drunk long ago. Third season stuck out in the Regions, they've said it's past time they buried The Axe, ceased to drown their sorrows, and advanced to the Conferences.
 Sphinxes From Mars Rating 184, treasury a million. Superstars Holloween Jack and King Jareth should destroy this Regional all on their own, and regrow the team around themselves. It's time to launch a new album and climb the charts once more. No excuses this time, do or die.
 Cocksville Blockers Rating 165, treasury 300k. A recent and costly purge has left the team looking fresher perhaps, but stars Big Daveylicious and Buck Hitchtree will struggle to shine with so much fresh blood around them.
 Bribery and Corruption Rating 155, treasury 200k. Dynamic, powerful, lightning moves, this team really is top stuff, emerging star Nepotism leading from the back. All the accusations against them have never been proven in the first place, and their accusers soon disappear anyway.
Black as Death Rating 149, treasury 200k. In just their first season emerging star Usurper nearly managed to win awards, they should be tough enough to stand the experience and grow here.
Colour of Money Rating 149, treasury 200k. Don't let anyone confuse you, this is what a regular team of goblins looks like, rightly demoted after being accidentally promoted in place of the good ones. No one even cares about their troll Dik Scrushy, not really.
 Office Rats Rating 135, treasury 100k. Another half a team survives their first season, these ones had the sense to stay out in the Regionals at least. Some of their players will begin to catch the fans attentions this season, surely.
 The last team is a mystery, can anyone be found to face the feared Goblins? The B&C ones, not the CoM ones, no one fears them. Everyone fears the B&C.
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Just two Regional divisions was it, Phillip?
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Just the two, Terence, this one is a little bigger than the other with ten teams playing an incomplete schedule. Much bribery goes into settling who has to face the worst of the wreckers stuck down here.
Flippers Jonasson Regional is a good bit softer, with just three demoted to the outback stadiums from the Conferences, six stuck out here like the chronic losers they are, and two fresh teams out of a wild and often brutal Trial of Blood.
Hostile Kiddies Rating 182, treasury 200k. Long-term cellar-dwellars, the Kiddies have been here before and will still be here next season, with stars Wastin Jatt and Dom Trady already showing their age. Though big Weggie Rhite is looking meaner than ever and may make me eat my words, if he could read.
 Eau de Toilet Rating 179, treasury 100k. Still growing, these rotters have found themselves in a good spot to do it, their next return to the Conferences may see more than just superstar Flesh grabbing the headlines.
 Steel Fists of Dorugan Rating 166, treasury 600k. Just their third season, this is more easy picking for the team, really time they got on with it and won some fans. Big star Iggy Azaliaxe already showing some wear on those short little legs.
 Maimami Vice Rating 165, treasury 100k. A third season return to the Regionals, cleverly avoiding the dreaded Goblins who beat them last time they were down here should see them advance once more, emerging star Gory Beltman grabbing some attention.
 Henson's Henchmen Rating 150, no pockets for treasury. Star player Sam the Eagle is about all this team brings to their matches, but it's barely enough even out in the Regions, they'll be some time yet out here I feel.
Banner of the Black Stag Rating 144, treasury 300k. Still binning cash by running plentiful journeymen, it's their superstar, nigh legend runner Grumnir does all the work for the team on attack and defence. Their continued presence in the Regionals shows how well that all works for everyone but Grumnir.
 Tharsis Terrors Rating 144, treasury spent. The late loss of emerging star and attention hog Delta 3-Hel in their first season as left the team bereft of talent. They'll be dearly hoping the new model functions as well.
 More Than Ballgowns Rating 130, fresh squad. Insisting their team is harder to knock over than any other in the whole league is quite the boast, wouldn't be the first ladies team to storm the Conferences or even Premier in a short career.
 Necromanteia Rating 127, fresh squad. Another crew looking to imitate the successes of the Error 404 after a rough Trials period, hopefully these ones stick around long enough to do just that.
Southern Warpstone Scavengers Rating 122, treasury shot. Five losses and two no-shows in their first season ranks them higher than the losers who were too scared to turn up at all, but that's not saying much. Home to Glart Smashrip for most games, oddly enough, something about him feeling endless rage at anyone beating up the Skavens instead of the Goblins.
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Just the two new squads, Terence? We're getting rumours of Dwarves in the trials, the Striking Thunder Beards, set to face down those useless goblins you keep going on about.
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That wouldn't possibly be allowed, Phillip, Dwarves in a Goblin conference is basically cheating, and only Goblins can cheat, the administration has been more than generously compensated to make that so. Anyway, you've got the rubbish Goblins confused with the awesome ones again. The B&C, Phillip, they're the good ones.
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Thanks Terence, if anyone still has their balls tuned here after a rundown of the Regionals, enjoy the show, games are underway as we speak, deaths on the field, blood and murder and everything we love about this grand old sport and the blessings of Nuffle it brings to the Southern Wastes.
By the way, Terence, the balls can read this for the spectators. They don't need to read it. Weggie Rhite will have heard you just fine.
Terence? |
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Luohghcra
Joined: Nov 18, 2008
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Jan 13, 2016 - 00:19 |
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Tumbling Boulder Magazine
A Tribute to the Starman (no not that guy, a different one)
The lights in the depths of the pyramidal mausoleum are muted, the sound hushed. Shadowy figures scuttle back and forth, their scuffing feet an added whisper to the susurrus of grave-cloth and death-rattle. A mournful tune wafts forth, Jackal on the zither. His particular style, reminiscent of the theatres of exotic Nippon, lends a peculiar edge to the usual Glament dirge. One can feel a frisson in the air, a sense of something new, exciting – but restrained, or perhaps tempered, by the grief that hangs it’s heavy, sullen, cloud over the studio.
Ziggy at least, retains a modicum of the flamboyance that has long been his – and the band’s – calling card. Here too though, you get a sense of the solemn – while fringes, sequins and glitter are still very much in evidence, the prevailing colours are black and white. Perhaps most astonishing though, is the fact that Ziggy sits in his throne at all, given the sickening blow he received from Robert Brout last season…
Davey Flicke: “You’re looking… well, Ziggy”
Ziggy Gravedust: “Thanks Davey. Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated, as you can see. Takes more than a smacking from a damn cow to keep Ziggy down, right?”
DF: “Well, it’s an understandable mistake to have made – the replays of the moment Mr Brout’s fists connected with your face have been one of the most watched in Cabalvision history, and people claim you can clearly see your head leaving your shoulders…”
Z: “Nah, ‘s all camera angles, innit?”
DF: “…and rolling across the astrogranite for 14 yards”
Z: “Look, I’m sitting here in front of you, ain’t I? Probably just…photoshopped, right?”
DF: “Indeed. Well regardless, you have invited us here to talk about something – and I quote ‘…freaking momentous and sad and majestic and put in a couple of other schmick soundin’ words right cos I dunno what they are, that’s your job innit?”
Z: (glowering slightly) “…Yeah. Yeah, right. Right, so we got this new album…”
DF: “A new album?! Already? But Glass Pyramid..!”
Z: “Shutup Davey. I know Glass Pyramid is still selling well. But we got a new lad on the zither see, and he’s got us all inspired. It’s like music that’s… from another place. A hazy, cosmic… jive, yeah? And we all had this weird dream about some guy what fell to Earth, and sold the world, and he was a lad insane, but in his golden years he had some changes but now it’s all ashes to ashes, and I reckon we could be heroes, right?”
DF: “…”
Z: “So we had to do this album, we didn’t really write it, it kind of… wrote… us?”
At this point, Ziggy abruptly stood and strode off to the corner stage on which Jade Jackal still played, the jangling, almost-but-not-quite-discordant riffs now playing perfect counterpoint to the rest of the band as one by one they lifted instruments and began to play. As we left the cloying, dim confines of the mausoleum, Ziggy’s voice drifted up to us…
“…strung out on Heathen’s thigh, hitting all the low, low, blows…” |
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ramchop
Joined: Oct 12, 2013
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2515 (LVIII-LXII) was without doubt, the year of the DIBBL Invader. Perhaps not so much in results (though coach DustBunny did win a Reggie and a Conference), more so in participation. Yes, the DIBBL Invaders certainly earned themselves a participation certificate. In the previous year there was a solitary team from the Deserted Isles playing in SWL. And you have to look way way back to season XIX until you'll find a season with 3 or more coaches from the Isles competing.
We climbed from 3 active coaches at the start of the year to 7-8 in the past three seasons. And it continues into the new year. There is little doubt - We are taking over.
So in honour of a great year, DIBBL admin commissioned the production of awards, The Golden Jandal (got a bulk discount with the recent Waikikamukau donation). This prestigious trophy will be presented to the player from the Deserted Isles with the most SPP (-MVP) every season.
Previous winners (from LVIII):
LVIII:  Gorgoroth the Razor Talon (Sharp Force Trauma, Malfeasor) 20SPP
LIX:  Buzzy Bee, (Kiwiana Cavaliers, heretek) 30SPP
LX: Stonetroll (Madness Mountain Misery, DustBunny) 26SPP
LXI: Manbush(Madness Mountain Misery, DustBunny) and Pharlap, (Kiwiana Cavaliers, heretek) 13SPP*
LXII:  Lorax (Freezy Trees, ramchop) 16SPP
LXI was the season of the "Team Effort" |
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SWLpearls
Joined: Aug 21, 2015
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Jan 14, 2016 - 23:42 |
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The masked coaches had gathered in the tavern for another round of votes, the first round being too close to call. By the end of it, it was apparent that The Abdominal Snowman was to have the bounty placed on his head. |
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Check out the Black Pearl Bounty-Board! |
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DrPoods
Joined: Nov 14, 2013
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Jan 14, 2016 - 23:53 |
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| SWLpearls wrote: | | The masked coaches had gathered in the tavern for another round of votes, the first round being too close to call. By the end of it, it was apparent that The Abdominal Snowman was to have the bounty placed on his head. |
Sam slammed down his mug and screamed at the cabalvision screen... "Are you seriously telling me that it took this long for THAT to make your list?"
"What's the only thing better than a dead stat freak Bull Centaur? A dying one who will tell you where to find it's mates." Fozzie muttered, and the rest of the team chuckled. But their hearts weren't really in it today. |
_________________
"Gallifrey falls no more"
Do your part! Join the Adoption Agency NOW!
Last edited by DrPoods on %b %21, %2016 - %14:%Jan; edited 1 time in total |
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ramchop
Joined: Oct 12, 2013
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"Stupid $%#*ing bloody @#!$ Cabalvision!!!" Curtis Lamhammer was not a happy man. He thumped the top of the Cabalvision set once again but all it gave him was more static on the screen and the continual hiss.
"Try tapping it with Grandmother's Warpstone, that always does something", called Mrs Lamhammer helpfully from the kitchen.
No chance of that. Last time he had tried that trick a spiked ball flew out of the screen and embedded in his chest.
thump, Thump, THUMP! The static flickered and for a moment the game was on. Was that a Snow Troll running for the line with ball in hand. Surely not! The image dissolved into static before the outcome could be known "F########^%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Curtis grabbed the family heirloom and waved it in front of the screen. The image remained snow, but the hiss stopped and a faint audio was heard....
| Season 37 Channel BB broadcast wrote: | Dun Dun, Da Da Dun Dun Da Da Dun Dun Dun Daaaa. <News Style Music>
Well folks, it's been a while. This is Carbine, reporting from my new position as Press Officer for the Storm. You may remember me from such news reports as "Breweries Chunkathon Challenge" and "Big Gordo Retires - End of a Era"
Today however, we're talking about one of the Stars of the Future. In his first season in the SWL, Cam Smith of the Storm has joined a rather Exclusive club. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he's now a Bloody Dozen member! The Bloody dozen is a honorific for those players who manage to block thier way to earning 12 or more Cas in a season. This feat has only been done 6 times in the History of the SWL, with only 5 players acheiving this.
With one game to go in the season, the big question on everyone's lips, is can Cam move up the Bloody Dozen pecking order? Standing at the top of the list is Mort Avaritia legend Geoffrey Grimwade, with 20 Cas back in Season 31, and also 13 in Season 28. To move up into second place behind Geoffrey, Cam must get another 2 cas in his next game against the Atrocity Vendors. Can he do it? Only time will tell
This is Carbine, Storm Press Officer, Signing off |
The hiss returned, but on the screen was a still image of a table:
Bloody Dozen Leaderboard
Season 31 -Geoffrey Grimwade - 20
Season 28 - Geoffrey Grimwade - 13
Season 25 - Udhachagnd - 13
Season 22 - Einarr - 13
Season 9 - Bloody Flux - 12
Season 24 - The Replacemnt - 12
Season 37 - Cam Smith - 12*
The image faded as blood oozed through the Cabalvision screen. Smoke rose from the device before a loud "Pop!" and the appliance was no more.
Bloody Dozen? Exclusive Club? Why hadn't Curtis heard of these things before? He hurried to the study to consult his vast collection of SWL Yearbooks. He would find out more.... |
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tribalsinner
Joined: Feb 21, 2006
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Jan 18, 2016 - 11:32 |
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Coach tribalsinner grunts towards the inept record keepers. Team Enforcer Ben Hall of the Butchrangers claimed 16 scalps in Season 45 and in Premier too! |
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When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty |
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ramchop
Joined: Oct 12, 2013
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Curtis Lamhammer was a satisfied man. He reclined in his study chair flicking through a catalogue of the latest Cabalvision sets. The past few days had been intense, it had taken a lot of work, but he had done it. He had uncovered the secret of the Bloody Dozen.
It had started with phone calls, trying to locate Carbine, the Salary Cap Storm press officer who had made the Season 37 broadcast. But to no avail, Carbine had mysteriously disappeared late in that season never to be heard from again.
Then calls around SWL Clubs, coaches, managers, players, past and present, asking directly about the Exclusive Club. But nobody knew or would reveal anything.
So the hours were spent trawling through the yearbooks. Nothing on the Bloody Dozen. However, the statistics were there. Eventually the list was compiled - all 23 members, collated and pinned on his study wall.
Yes, now the mystery was solved, he could relax and choose a new set. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Who could it be at this hour? Curtis went to the door and opened it.
Towering above him stood a Nurgle Warrior, "Foul Frank!... but... but... you're D-....."
| The Wastes Chronicle wrote: |
20/1/2516 p14
Tragedy Strikes in Lower Plumrot
The tightknit community of Lower Plumrot has been hit by shock and sadness as one of its members was found dead in the early hours of Wednesday morning.
The man, Curtis Q. Lamhammer, was discovered slumped over his desk, apparently bludgeoned to death by a replica SWL Golden Fist award. Police have ruled out foul play, stating that the death was suicide.
When interviewed, Constable Ricardoco stated, "This is a sad waste of a life. Mr Lamhammer was an individual afflicted by a deep psychological disorder. Apparently part of a sick cult, he didn't even own a Cabalvision set... what kind of man is that? I feel sorry for his family"
Rumours that the number 12 was scrawled on the wall in Mr Lamhammer's own blood have also been discounted by police.
He is survived by his wife Myrtle. They had no children.
SWAP - All rights reserved
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DrPoods
Joined: Nov 14, 2013
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Jan 20, 2016 - 10:03 |
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"Oi 'Arry"
"Yep."
"Oi reckon dat Kathal from Malalocide mighta got 12 in a season too, wot?"
"Yep." |
_________________
"Gallifrey falls no more"
Do your part! Join the Adoption Agency NOW! |
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ramchop
Joined: Oct 12, 2013
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SW League Week, Issue 612, 21st January 2516
Ask Bazza
18/1/2516
Hey Bazza,
Will the pointy ears ever win another SWL Prem title? Don't they fall over and die just a bit too much to be contenders?
GBH
GBH,
Elves have won it before and they'll win it again. My tip is there'll be a convergence of Conference Elf and Skaven successes sometime in 2516. The following season with four or five agility teams in Prem, an elf victory is assured.
Bazza
19/1/2516
Dear Bazza,
Have you ever heard of the Bloody Dozen? They're an Exclusive Club made of the most brutal SWL players. I believe they hold a lot of power in the SWL and are a major reason the Bash teams have been so successful of late. I've uncovered their membership of 23 players, and have listed it below.
 Bloody Flux (Pestilant Freaks), IX (12cas)
 Einarr (Norscia Bezerkers), XXII (13cas)
The Replacemnt (Good, Bad, Furry), XXIV (12cas)
 Udhachagnd (Temple of Sotek), XXV (13cas)
 Geoffrey Grimwade (Mort Avaritia), XXVIII (13cas); XXXI (20cas)
Cam Smith (Salary Cap Storm), XXXVII (13cas)
Campitor III (Schola), XXXVIII (14cas)
 Richard Randall (Mort Avaritia), XXXVIII (15cas)
 Faoud bin Basir al Maktoum (Bedouin Falcons ), XLIII (12cas)
 Ben Hall (Butchrangers ), XLV (16cas)
'Ferociously Fighting' Pip (Wonga Wonga Whalekillers ), XLVII (13cas)
Loco Holmes (Mort Volente ), XLVII (12cas); XLVIII (14cas); XLIX (18cas)
 Jack Flash (Elektric Boogaloo ), XLVIII (13cas)
 Ricardoco (Joking Jesters ), XLIX (13cas)
 Felaern (Griffon Gate Sentinels ), LIV (12cas)
 Thavia Bitterblood (Darkstar Corsairs ), LV (15cas)
Car pool tunnel syndrome (Malapropism Mania ), LVII (12cas)
 Jubba Grindhauler (Crookwell Green Devils ), LVII (12cas)
 Foul Frank (SWL Fun Police ), LVIII (13cas); LIX (15cas); LX (14cas)
 Huge Axeman (Error 404 afterlife not found ), LIX (12cas)
Uaxadohi (SWL Hunting Crocs ), LIX (12cas)
Damien "Shake it off" Halford (Blackwater Glee Club), LX (13cas)
Caging Chris (Easy Mode Maniacs), LXI (14cas); LXII (17cas)
Sincerely,
C.Q. Lamhammer
Dear CQ,
Conspiracy theories have no place here, ya nutter!
Baz
19/1/2516
Dear Bazza,
How about those Zons? aye? Aye?
C. Ponzi
Ponzi ya perve! I'm not one to promote a rival magazine. But that swimsuit edition! How are we supposed to compete with that? Looking forward to seeing the girls go at it against Kiddies in the mud next week. Should be a cracker.
Bazza
Bazza is a former Catcher for the Bogan Yobs, his opinions do not necessarily reflect those of SW League Week |
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Redgum
Joined: May 19, 2009
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Jan 21, 2016 - 13:06 |
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Welcome to the SWL All Star presentation evening for Season 62.
It is our pleasure to announce this season's representative squads.
Firstly, our congratulations to Dr Disco Stu and his Wanja Warriors on their Premier League Title. Congratulations too to all of the Conference teams who were promoted at the end of LXII and are now fighting for their own shot at the highest accolade in SWL.
Tonight we are pleased to announce The SWL 'All-Stars' Team.
All SWL players are eligible for consideration in this team, from the Regionals up to the Premier League.
It gives us great pleasure to announce those honoured for their efforts and performances during SWL LXII:
Ghoulhardy (c) Ghoul Error 404 Afterlife Not Found
Ubirr III Blitzer Wanja Warriors
Huge Axeman Werewolf Error 404: Afterlife Not Found
Cabbapault Zombie Error 404 Afterlife Not Found
Chuhui Saurus Sotek Sacred Spawning
Caging Chris CD Blocker Easy Mode Maniacs
GLaDOS Runner Technically Minded
Lothario II Wardancer Athel Loren Lovers
Gypsy Danger Thrower SWL Jaegers
Independant Roger Blitzer Orcs for Correct Spelling
Gov Scumtini Nurgle Beast Soylent Greenstars
The Captain of the LXII All-Stars is Ghoulhardy of Error 404. With 5TDs for the season he accounted for nearly half of his team’s season total and led the way all season in their attempt to go back-to-back. Unfortunately for Grumpsch it was not to be, but the runner’s-up had a good season and look well placed to challenge again in LXIII. This is his fourth consecutive All-Star selection, making him one of SWL’s most highly decorated players, a remarkable effort for such a young player with fewer than 50 games. He has accumulated over 800 rushing yards and nearly 40 TDs in an outstanding career to date and has developed a hard defensive edge to his game, often lunging after his opponents as they seek to escape his clutches.
Ubirr III represents the Premier League title-winners in this year’s All-Stars team. He was twice selected as a Conference Star (in LIX and LX), but this is his first appearance in the All Stars. LXII was a break-out season for Ubirr. He won the Duke Snakefield Medal and scored a season-defining hat-trick against the reigning champs in the crucial match against 404. Ubirr was finally able to fully realise the potential offered by his amazing athleticism. He is strong and agile, quick to dodge away from a would-be blocker and the ball is always safe in his hands. He can take a hit too and doesn’t give an inch.
While 404 missed out on the defence of their title, they can boast the honour of the most represented team in the LXII All Stars. Their second player selected was the deadly Huge Axeman. Another highly decorated player, he is a sight to strike fear into any opponent. He has thrilling speed, sharp claws, and a vicious streak which makes him unrelenting in his attacks. 11 CAS in a season is a remarkable effort, and he showed against Steaked that he is also capable of carrying the ball as a scoring threat.
The third member of 404 to make the All Stars is one of Huge Axeman’s victims: Cabbapault. Since being killed by the star werewolf, Cabbapult has become a loyal and valuable teammate, following his more agile and alive partner into battle and laying his boots into any poor soul Huge leaves alive. He has been awarded for his fouling before, and was the winner (for the second time) of the John Stone boot in LXII. No one would claim that he is a smart player, nor even a particularly talented player if it came to ball-handling or some of the finer technical skills of the game, but for the crowds who come to see blood soak the pitch and hear the crack of breaking bones, Cabbapult is a deserving star.
Chuhui makes his third consecutive appearance for the All Stars, and his fourth overall. He inflicted 11CAS this season, outdoing his already impressive performance from LXI, and won both the silver knuckledusters and the silver shield. He was granted the Captain’s armband in the Conference Stars select team. His storied career is testament to the players who know their role and play it well. He is not any more physically gifted than any other Saurus, and there are many others who have a similar skill-set, but few have managed to have the same impact for their teams as Chuhui has for Sotek. No Saurus has been as big a star in SWL history.
Caging Chris makes his second All Star selection, and it comes despite his team’s relegation to the Regional divisions. For a player of his experience, the competition he faced in Regionals provided a perfect opportunity to showcase the strengths of his game. 17 CAS is a remarkable record, among which was 5 in a single game against the Banner of the Black Stag. His worship of chaotic forces has made him a killing machine, with claws sprouting from his hands, an unflinching cruelty for his fallen opponents, and a disturbing ability to rise from the ground as if snatched to his feet by some demonic force.
GLaDOS is another familiar face in the All Stars. While there are plenty in the team to cause mayhem, GLaDOS offers a focus on ball-handling. An expert at positioning himself under the opponent’s kick, he gives his team a clean start for their long grinding drives up the pitch. He is a natural leader, and his on-field advice has been shown to save less experienced team-mates from errors which might have turned the game. In under 50 games he has amassed over 1,000 rushing yards and nearly 40 TDs. His 8 TDs in LXII were crucial to Technically Minded securing their Conference win and promotion to Prem in LXIII.
Lothario II puts the beautiful, delicate icing on the All Star cake. He is an athlete of exceedingly rare talent. As strong as an ogre, but capable of leaping and dodging with such agility that he is remarkable even among his own elfin kind. He is averaging a TD a game over his career, but is also averaging 0.5 CAS. It’s this paradoxical combination of grace and brutality which make him such a captivating player, capable of delivering brutal hits and driving his opponent back behind a frenzied flurry of blows, only to then dodge aside, scoop up the ball under pressure and throw a flawless pass. The one criticism he may face is that he does seem vulnerable to contact, but that presupposes that anyone would be able to hit him in the first place.
Not so long ago, Gypsy Danger was named as one of the Rising Stars, a fine talent in Regionals and a young thrower with a mountain of potential. It hasn’t taken him long to realise that potential, and in doing so he has brought his team on a meteoric rise to the XLIII Premier League. In only 28 games he is nearing 50 completions, and crucially these have come at an average of 10 yards per game. He has great speed, allowing him to rush the ball well and command his backfield with great mobility. His arm is strong and accurate, and his passes are safe from interceptions. His 103 passing yards in LXII make him an obvious selection for the All Stars.
Independent Roger is another young player who had a great Conference season. His 11 CAS came from only 50 blocks, making him one of the most efficient hitters in the SWL. This record comes from his mighty blows, but also from his dauntless attitude, which sees him take on larger opponents and match them for strength. He loves getting into the thick of things, going to ground to finish off his opponents, only to bounce back up and quickly move onto the next. He has over 200 blocks at nearly 7 per game and averages 1 CAS per game.
Rounding out the All Stars for XLII is a literal beast: Gov. Scumtini. It’s a rare thing for the big guys to make enough of an impression to be selected in the All Stars, but Scumtini is a rare player. There are few more effective players for choking an opponent’s field position. Scumtini mere presence distracts throwers, and their grotesque appearance revolts would-be attackers. They command a mess of writhing, thrashing tentacles which draw their victims close and keep anyone from escaping. Scumtini is big, tough, regenerates from damage and protects his team-mates on the Line of Scrimmage. They learnt to shake off tacklers, making them difficult to pin-down and adding greater mobility to the threat they represents. With 113 turns played in LXII, Scumtini was a constant presence for the Greenstars and a fan favourite.
Congratulations go to all those named in the All-Stars Team. There were a lot of returning and familiar faces named this year, but also some rising to claim their first selection as All Stars. So particular congratulations to the debutantes, and a thought spared for those former All Stars who were lost to us this season, through retirement and death. Where last season’s All Stars were speedsters and scorers, this season’s saw a return to the value of bashing and crashing. Perhaps it is a cyclical phenomenon, only time will tell. One thing remains certain though: with only 11 spots available in the All-Stars, there is always going to be debate. It says much for the high-quality of the players newly attracted to SWL that this job is so hard, season after season.
A hearty congratulations also to the players selected in their divisional Representative teams:
LXII Prem-Stars
Borgan Bollinger (c) Intoxicated Mayhem
Ghoulhardy Error 404
Ubirr III Warriors
Alexei Duramnovic Jesters
Shntsyeooa Skinks
Huge Axeman Error 404
Yurgei Frankovic Jesters
Llstrr Skinks
Cabbapult Error 404
Flesh Gordan Error 404
Scabby Scotty Fun Police
LXII Conference Rep team
Chuhui (c) Sotek
Lothario II Athel LL
GLaDOS Technically Minded
LaCoy Condor
Abdominal Snowman Malapropism Mania
Gypsy Danger Jaegers
Independant Roger Correct Spelling
Thedhreh Madness
Gov Scumtini Greenstars
Logain Abler IV Ashamaniac
Karma Man II Sphinxes
LXII Rising-Stars
Grumnir (c) Banner Black Stag
Caging Chris Maniacs
Flumoxed Faulcon Maniacs
Iggy Azaliaxe Steel Fists
Hoover Widowmaker Snowleopards
Pocket Rocket Steel Fists
Weggie Rhite Hostile Kiddies
Alfarin Beard Mad Midgardians
Dirty Pool Bribery and Corruption
High Rollin Heretek Maniacs
Drachm WholeBlood
So that ends another awards post-season.
That's all from us for now so we hope you enjoyed the teams as they were announced, we look forward to seeing you all again at end of season and until then... may the riots be many, may your rocks fly true, and may many a star be surfed into the crowd! |
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| Tomay wrote: | | Thanks Redgum, you are a legend... |
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ramchop
Joined: Oct 12, 2013
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27/1/2516
Dear Mrs Myrtle Lamhammer,
Below is a list of items retrieved from your deceased husband Mr Curtis Quango Lamhammer. Please inform us within 30 days which items you'd like returned to you. The rest will be disposed of.
- Plain white T-shirt. Soiled (blood)
- Tartan green and blue pyjama pants. Soiled (faeces)
- Plain gold wedding ring. Retrieved from left hand ring finger
- Spectacles. Right lens missing.
- Heliotrope (~3cm diameter). Retrieved from the clenched right hand.
Sincerely,
Dr Chuck Boingboing, M.E.
Southern Wastes Coroners Office
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The heliotrope or "blood stone" is the symbol of the Bloody Dozen.
Feel free to add it to the bio of any player in this Exclusive Club
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Last edited by ramchop on %b %29, %2016 - %21:%Jan; edited 1 time in total |
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ramchop
Joined: Oct 12, 2013
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After the crowd had dispersed, new captain Yertle, gathered the Freezy Trees back on the field for a team talk. They stood in a semicircle before him. He pointed at a puddle of blood.
"Can anyone tell me what this is?", began Yertle.
"A tragedy", said Lineman Glock
"Yes, but not what I'm getting at"
"A blatant disregard for One's own safety", offered Nink
"No"
"ROAR!", suggested Clark helpfully
"Not quite Clark, but thanks for your input", Yertle looked around at his team mates, "Anyone?"
"Pixel sadness!!", came a mournful drunken whine from the sideline.
Yertle ignored his coach and continued.
"What this is", explained Yertle gesturing at the puddle of gore, "is a fantastic example of an effective foul. And is what we need to do better!"
The team muttered in agreement and began discussing fouling tactics. After the discussion reached its conclusion, Yertle switched to another topic.
"Bash!", he cried, "We have never beaten a bash team before. Our next two games are against some brutes and we must find a way to defeat them. Coach has suggested we need to play like elves. We need a thrower though. Who?"
"ROAR!", volunteered Clark helpfully. |
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DustBunny
Joined: Oct 14, 2008
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| Posted:
Feb 03, 2016 - 20:54 |
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Memo From The Sports Desk
For fear of receiving any further mysterious envelopes of green powder (Lucy in the mail room will never achieve her modelling aspirations....) the Tumbling Boulder have decided to publish the following op-ed piece which arrived in an unusually gentlemanly envelope:
Good evening,
I have been watching you SWL. I have been perusing your plays from the shadows, and can not help but to share my wisdom with you all!
As much as I dislike vermin (ungentlemanly, er, vermin?, that they are) I could not help but admire how they cleared out some rather unpleasant barbarians. However, they missed a crucial opportunity to spring the ball!
What follows is a tutorial on creative use of chain pushing for those of you not qualified to join a certain virtuous institute of noble scholars.
Pictured is a, uh, picture, for those of you who are 'visual learners'. As we can see the barbarians are trying their hardest to hide the ball from the rats. However, their cheesy smell is attracting the vermin.
Now the vermin managed to take themselves out assaulting this defensive formation, but using the following steps they could comfortably have tackled (or at least wrestled) the ball carrier with his frustrating inability to fall over and sticky, childish hands.
1)Move the expendable Linerat in to position to assist his comrade (proletarian, eugh) in directing the soon to be unfortunate Norseman in the correct direction.
2)Bring those nifty Gutter Runners (I always kill a couple when I find them, they make such handy dirty players) up to assist the already engaged Linerat.
3)With assistance from his wee pals the engaged Linerat can then knock the Norseman back and force the carrier to step away from his defenders.
4)While this is occurring the 'Stormvermin' can scutter along and comfortbaly engage the ball carrier, effectively distracting him while
5)The Linerat adept at wrestling and tackling can come around the top and bring the nasty barbarian with the ball to the ground!
Now, using these creative thinking skills I expect you all to produce fantastic results worthy of my viewing pleasure.
Sincerely,
BustDunny (totally not DustBunny, I heard he was nowhere to be found)
Well folks, wasn't that er, enlightening!
Buy our next edition for our exclusive on 'Madness Mountain Misery - Premiers Playing Hookie?!' |
_________________
[13:11] <;@Prinz> i can't ban bunny for being funny |
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ramchop
Joined: Oct 12, 2013
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In a familiar scene, Yertle, captain of the Freezy Trees, gathered the team around a pool of blood for the post match lecture. The captain was sporting an elaborate back&neck brace. This forced him to swivel his whole body awkwardly whenever he turned to address a team mate, and meant the whole team was constantly stifling a fit of the giggles.
"Can anyone tell me, why this", he gestured at the blood, "is not from one of the opposition?"
"ROAR?", countered Clark defensively
"I'm talking fouls here, not your good work"
"ROAR!", nodded Clark approvingly
The team remained silent, focusing on not giggling as the captain faced each one in turn awaiting an answer.
Lorax, meanwhile nonchalantly strolled over to another puddle of gore beside the captain. He prodded a chunk of meat, the shape and size(!) of a football. "Is this my left testicle?" he wondered, "It is!" he announced gleefully. Then scooped it up and skipped off to the apothecary for some more treatment. |
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