tussock
Joined: May 29, 2011
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 Posted:
Feb 10, 2016 - 04:13 |
 
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There once was a great old undead singer, who claimed to be King of the Goblins.
 King Jareth, he called himself, and to Goblins he'd gone to sing songs of ages long past, in demand of recognition of his title. The skills to break them he claimed his own, and to make himself a legend he would kill them all if need be.
But the Bribery and Corruption inherent in the regional leagues knows only the power of green, and when the great old one lunged furtively forward and pushed aside an agile offer of Kickbacks, it was time to unleash Anarchy! Dodgy, was King Jareth, some sort of giant Goblin after all? But no, Extortion showed his armour was far too strong to be a Goblin. A charge of Corruption he dodged again, but Bribery aided and Thieving could finally take his feet from under him.
Then it was just a matter of the true test of a supposed Goblin king. Dirty Pool. Four helped kick and that old shell was barely broken, the decaying body gave way, and there was to be no regeneration.
No King of Goblins, that one, at least not any more. |
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cdwat
Joined: Oct 29, 2013
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Feb 21, 2016 - 11:38 |
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Welcome one and all to the awarding of the medal for
The Hero of HEROES: SWL 62.
The HEROES teams had mixed fortunes in SWL 62, and although 3 of their players took home 4 Twahnlows between them, one player stood out.
Tonight's winner threw 14 completions at an average of 7.36 yards. His speed allowed him to carry the ball effectively as well as control the backfield with his long, accurate passing. A strong all-round player, he defended stoutly and claimed 2 casualties for the season. Fittingly, he was awarded a place in the SWL All-Star team.
Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the Hero of HEROES award for Season 62, is:
Gypsy Danger
from the SWL Jeagers.
 
Sadly, Gypsy Danger can't be with us tonight, as he was mercilessly dispatched against Error 404 in only his 2nd Premier League game.
Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in a toast to the Hero of HEROES for Season 62, Gypsy Danger. |
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Proud member of the SWL HEROES
Bio template here. |
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almic85
Joined: May 25, 2009
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Feb 25, 2016 - 06:49 |
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"We did it, we finally did IT!!!!" shouted coach almic85 as the rest of the team able to walk and still lift heavy things dumped a vat of Warporade over the coaches head.
The excitement in the air was palpable after the Southern Warpstone Scavengers finally did the unthinkable and won a game against the much larger and much fancied Hostile Kiddies IV.
Getting a little caught up in the excitement of his teams first win coach almic85 got up on the now empty vat and began to proclaim to all that would listen "Today marks the turn for this now proud team. No longer will we be looked down upon by all the other teams, and seen to be nothing more than tackling practice. Today I have shown my greatness and lead you bunch of diminutive, scabby mutants to victory and not even you lot can take that away from me."
Leaving the coach to gloat in his own self congratulations Brown Bear Barry stepped forwards to recive his coaches award trophy from coach Suttbutt only to have Skitter Stab-Stab snatch it from his hands and run from the stadium.
"Oh well" Barry muttered to Komodo Ken "At least he didn't steal our warpstone." |
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SWL the place to be.
If you're interested join the Fringe |
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ramchop
Joined: Oct 12, 2013
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Cobber Ponzi, CEO of Wastelands Pachyderm Banking Corporation stood on stage relishing the attention. Crowds were never this big at the Wastepac winner announcement, but this season the SWL awards, official and not, were rolled into a single grand occasion. He stood in the spotlight positively beaming with his inflated ego, garish attire and glowing bright pink with alcohol. Yes, the awards sub sub committee had found their victim for this event, and he was loving every second of it.
"Girls!", he boomed, "....where are they?" he muttered, scanning the tables unable to find the subjects of his affections. "Well done you gorgeous princesses wherever you are. Great HAND job that....coming sloppy seconds as Wastepac virgins"
Cobber collapsed on the floor in a fit of giggles as a frustrated FOUL representative took the stage to collect the Wastepac Team Challenge trophy (crafted from finest Plastiqueâ„¢)
FOUL, Wastepac Team Challenge Champions LXIII
After a few minutes, and a couple of shots of tequila, Cobber composed himself, stepped back to the microphone and drawled his way through the LXIII Team Awards.
The Unofficial Maester Whippy Team Awards
Regionals:
Turns (1135): Striking Thunder Beards!
Completions (16): Henson's Henchmen & Office Rats
TDs (16): Henson's Henchmen
Cas (34): Sphinxes from Mars
SPP (119): Cocksville Blockers
Passing yards (51): Hostile Kiddies IV
Rushing yards (257): Henson's Henchmen
Blocks (378 ): Eau de Toilet
Fouls (50): Sphinxes from Mars
Blocks/Cas (13.14): Sphinxes from Mars
Pass/Cp (4.36): Office Rats
Kills (11): Sphinxes from Mars
Conferences:
Turns (1173): Dallas Drowboys
Completions (32): Dallas Drowboys
TDs (21): Steaked & Redgum's Rodents
Cas (38 ): SWL Fun Police
SPP (142): Dallas Drowboys
Passing yards (133): Port Macquarie Snowleopards
Rushing yards (329): Redgum's Rodents
Blocks (347): Horrors Of Skye
Fouls (32): Large Head-on Colliders
Blocks/Cas (9.03): SWL Fun Police
Pass/Cp (7): Port Macquarie Snowleopards
Kills (6): Large Head-on Colliders
Premier:
Turns (1123): Asha'maniac
Completions (29): Wings of the Condor
TDs (15): Wings of the Condor
Cas (38): Error 404 afterlife not found
SPP (131): Error 404 afterlife not found
Passing yards (57): [SWL] Jeagers
Rushing yards (243): [SWL] Jeagers
Blocks (378 ): Soylent Greenstars
Fouls (51): Error 404 afterlife not found
Blocks/Cas (10.9): Error 404 afterlife not found
Pass/Cp (3.67): Soylent Greenstars
Kills (7): Orcs for Correct Spelling
"Struth, that was boring! You lot really come here for a bunch of certificates?" Cobber knocked back another tumbler of spirits and looked at what was next. "Finally some bling! Even if it's not official bling"
The Unofficial Maester Whippy Stunty Cone
  Shntsyeooa (Slumbering Skink) (24SPP)
The Unofficial Maester Whippy Big Golden Sundae
  Morg 'n' Thorg (Morgwegian) (36SPP)
The last award seemed to stir up a bit of a commotion at the back tables, but Cobber ignored it and pushed on, "...to the real awards. The Tawlno-.. the Twangowls... the...."
The SWL Season LXIII Awards
  Sam the Eagle (Henson's Henchmen) 8TDs
 Morg'n' Thorg (Morgwegian) 12 Cas
  Aeon the Denfinistrator (Banner of the Black Stag) 114 Turns
  Forrest Gump (Striking Thunder Beards!) 180 Rushing yards
  Stanley (Office Rats) 52 Pass yards
  Karma Man II (Sphinxes from Mars) 27 Fouls
 Morg'n' Thorg (Morgwegian) 78 Blocks
 Stanley (Office Rats) 12 Cps
  Angela (Office Rats) 3.75 Block/Cas
  Dom Trady IV (Hostile Kiddies IV) 5.2 Pass/Cp
 Morg'n' Thorg (Morgwegian) 36SPP
"Morg doesn't count!", a goblin coach near the back stood on his table indignantly, gesturing fiercely at Cobber.
"Eh?, sorry can't hear you little man", countered Cobber, "You'll have to do better next season so you can get one of the tables nearer the front"
"I said, Mo-"
"Nice score!", shouted Cobber spotting the Amazon team at the back table, "excellent work ya dirty stunty! I'd lose too if it meant sitting so close to those beauties. Hi ladies!, make sure you pay Cobber a visit before the night winds up"
Cobber looked down at his notes, and saw a message scrawled in large red letters by the Awards sub sub committee.
"To those who feel they have been unfairly overlooked in this seasons Bronze awards, feel free to contact your local SWL administrative representative. Sam the Eagle (30spp), Made to Messure (71 Blocks and 11 Cas).....", he looked up from his notes... "Yah bollocks! If you two want your gongs, grow a pair and take them off Morg yourself!"
There followed a bit of a shouting match... but unlike in seasons past, this strangely did not erupt into senseless violence. Cobber continued with the awards....
 Dodgy Dan (Redgum's Rodents) 10TDs
  Gangrenous Gabriel (SWL Fun Police) 16 Cas
  Edwardo Vandes (Mexican Standoff) 114 Turns
  Roundabout I (Urban Nightmare) 166 Rushing yards
  Hoover widowmaker (Port Macquarie Snowleopards) 133 Pass yards
  squark II (Large Head-on Colliders) 30 Fouls
 Gangrenous Gabriel (SWL Fun Police) 69 Blocks
 Hoover widowmaker (Port Macquarie Snowleopards) 18 Cps
 Mickey "Disturbia" Danzig (Blackwater Glee Club) 3.25 Block/Cas
  Don't be cruel (High Elvis) 9.2 Pass/Cp
 Dodgy Dan (Redgum's Rodents) 35SPP
The Disco Dan Ball:
 Shntsyeooa (Slumbering Skink) 8TDs
The Replacemnt Knuckles:
  Huge Axeman (Error 404 afterlife not found) 12 Cas
The Touchstone Heart:
  Lltl (Slumbering Skink) and  Algarin Pendaloan II (Asha'maniac) 113 Turns
The Xies-ler-aym Slipper:
 Shntsyeooa (Slumbering Skink) 169 Rushing yards
The Manfred von Richthofen Arrow:
 Romeo Blue ([SWL] Jeagers) 39 Pass yards
The John Stone Boot:
  Hugh Thompson (Error 404 afterlife not found) 20 Fouls
The Eth'el Shield:
 Chuhui (Sotek Sacred Spawning) 86 Blocks
The Emilio Luthien Boomerang:
  Lyceres (Wings of the Condor) 18 Cps
The Geoffrey Grimwade Fist:
  Pallid Jackson (Error 404 afterlife not found) 3.67 Block/Cas
The Duskwind Strongarm:
 Logain Ablar IV (Asha'maniac) 3.67 Pass/Cp
The Duke Snakefield Medallion:
  Viola (Wings of the Condor) 26SPP
Cobber leered at Viola as she departed the stage with her trophy. "...err, yeah.. next is All Shtars... and um... ", he stumbled face first off the stage onto the floor. Pretty soon Cobber was snoring loudly as the impatient audience started a slow clap for the All Stars announcer.... |
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ramchop
Joined: Oct 12, 2013
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Shortly after the final Bronze trophy was handed out, Morg 'n' Thorg and his team of sycophants appeared out the front of the Hall. The team formed a wedge and pushed a path through the large crowd as Morg marched steadily behind them. Fans, agents, media were there in numbers... everyone wanted a piece of Morg.
The questions from the journalists came thick and fast
The curious: "Morg! Aren't you staying for the All Stars?"
The gushing: "Great season Morg. What a fine collection of prizes. And you did it all with one less game"
The challenging: "What do you have to say to those who claim, that as a mercenary ring in, you shouldn't be eligible for the Twahnlows?"
The conspiracist: "Have you heard the rumours about why you never get MVP?"
The insulting: "Is it true that you're sporting a minuscule downstairs operation?"
That last one drew howls of protest by Liv and the other Morgwegians, but Morg ignored them all. Focused only on getting to his awaiting carriage and out of there.
"Morg! What's that pinned to your chest?"
Morg paused and stared at the journalist. A twinkle of satisfaction in his eyes. He gave the Bloodstone a gentle rub with his thumb, then continued on his way.
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 Morg'n' Thorg (Morgwegian) 12 Cas
Gangrenous Gabriel (SWL Fun Police) 16 Cas
Huge Axeman (Error 404 afterlife not found) 12 Cas
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A little away from the throng a shadowy figure watched the spectacle. Dressed in a garb similar to that of the Grim Reaper he was a dangerous and imposing individual. If you were unfortunate enough to stand near him you would notice a faint smell of flour, puff pastry and sesame seeds, with a strong undertone of rotten sausage meat.
"It's too easy.... something must be done...", uttered the terrifying voice of The Baker. |
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ramchop
Joined: Oct 12, 2013
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The slow clap accelerated into a cacophony and then petered out. Still, the alcohol hadn't run out so there was plenty of drinking to be had while they all waited for the All Stars.
At a table in the back half of the great hall, the Freezy Trees were just warming up. Yertle swung up a chair by the coach an evil gleam in his eyes.
"I hear the votes for next season's Black Pearls are open. What are your plans this time around?", enquired Yerlte
"What I usually do, pick some freaks for the first two votes, maybe one of them in our pool, and a token vote for Clark coz he likes to be acknowledged", Coach ramchop gave a friendly nod in the direction of the big Yeti who was looking at his empty ice cream bowl rather sadly.
"All very noble, but have you considered a more selfish motive?...", Yertle left a dramatic pause, ".... revenge!"
Coach ramchop looked shocked at the suggestion, but then after consideration glanced around the room. He spotted one of them at a High Elf table very close by, and another further towards the front. He couldn't locate the Troll behind Sally's demise... but he felt pleased by his selections.
Suddenly his thoughts were interrupted by the voice of Inner Wisdom
"What about your principles?", said Inner Wisdom, "You can't do it"
"Yes", replied ramchop, "yes I can" |
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cdwat
Joined: Oct 29, 2013
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| Posted:
Mar 20, 2016 - 12:23 |
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Classic Matches
Welcome to Classic Matches, where we look at some of the great SWL games of seasons past.
SWL 62
SWL Premier League
Round 2 - Griffon Gate Sentinels vs Wäŋa Warriors
Backing up from their disappointing opening round loss, the Sentinels again faced an Orc team.
Early success in the form of a leaping Iolas touchdown was soon negated by a long and brutal Warriors drive that ended the first half 1-1.
The second half continued as the first ended, with the Warriors running down the clock waiting to score a late winner. Unfortunately they underestimated Prince Moranion, who dodged free of his markers and made a game saving lunge for the ball carrier. The loose ball spilled into the crowd and was lobbed back up the pitch. Kakadu Jr collected it and sent an accurate pass to an awaiting teammate.... but it never arrived.
Tanyl (who pre-match had been diligently studying the Warriors on Cabalvision) knew the pass was coming. He dodged gracefully past his marker and plucked the ball out of the air before making his way down the field and lobbing it to a waiting receiver.... but it never arrived.
The Black Orc Burrunggui had been lumbering towards the elf receiver (no doubt with violent intentions) when he heard the commotion up field. He swung his head around to see what was happening and inadvertently impaled the flying ball on one of his helmet spikes.
With that, the referee blew the full time whistle as a confused Burrunggui was congratulated by his teammates, oblivious to the fact that the ball was on his head and he had saved the match.
A one sided game with a thrilling finish and the Sentinels took their first points in Prem (even if they were lucky to get them).
Despite throwing away the win on this day the Wäŋa Warriors would go on win their first Prem title 5 weeks later.
Match Report & Stats
Thanks for joining us this week on Classic Matches, see you all next time. |
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Proud member of the SWL HEROES
Bio template here. |
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tussock
Joined: May 29, 2011
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Mar 21, 2016 - 10:32 |
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 A Season 64 Preview, bought to you by everyone who suddenly noticed how good Lizards are at bloodbowl.
Terence, season 63 saw total domination by the league's only two Lizard squads, and I guess you didn't pick that either!
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Well, Phillip, it was a bit of a surprise one of them even made the premier division, and then that Urn thingy went and turned half our top teams inside out and from there it was anyone's guess.
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Right, Terence, but what's your guesses this season? Come on man: stop making excuses, start previewing!
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Well if you'd listen a moment.
 SWL Fun Police took the insult of demotion to Conferences for season 63 as a chance to sharpen their claws and grow the team into something more monstrous than ever. Their 9th season, and 4th in the premiership, they're big, they're mean, everyone is rightly terrified of them. Having said that, no one tell them I said this, but they seem to struggle against elves and there's a lot of elves in this premiership. Superstars include Gangrenous Gabriel as the team's only proper killer, Bubonic Bobs as a terrifying sweeper, with Rotting Roger, Rancid Redmaul, and Scabby Scotty a terrifying trio of unmovable casualty causation. Not to mention star Terry the Tainted Tentacle set to stopping that Elven dodge game.
Rating: 233, with 300k banked, this is a team that will leave a permanent mark on every squad who's fool enough to seek the ever-more-elusive wins against them. Still, they lack any real talent at shifting the ball in a hurry to get the extra couple of wins they need up here.
 Steaked live and die as does team captain and Superstar Grilled, a walking tragedy of past injuries. Or, as some have suggested, is he just a clever distraction for the team's lesser lights to get the real work done? Both? Neither? Who knows? I say these ones lack enough tackle for the Elf prem, but 8th season has them pulling marvellous stunts constantly and their third visit to prem will be one they have high hopes for.
Rating: 216, and virtually bankrupt, this should be a hard season for them, but they have a lot of good basic skills in the squad and most teams will struggle to contain them, unless they simply tear apart the more vulnerable ones quickly.
In just their third season, the Dallas Drowboys have made prem with just six emerging stars, and yet still the full list of skills any team would need to trounce a bunch of dodgy elves. Having done just that and also survived the bash almost perfectly in their Conference, they must be in with a good shot, unless they get horribly wrecked in their first couple of games for some reason?
Rating: 205, and 200k in the bank, this is surely the team to watch. What could go wrong? Other than last season's champs first up, and the Fun Police right after them? Nuffle, you great kidder, you.
 Speaking of the Season 63 (and 57, and 45, and 42, and three more in the storied history of SWL) Champs, Slumbering Skink were powered to victory last season by superstars Strdthm, Llstrr, and little Shntsyeooa. The lack of skill in the remaining weight of the team just meant better protection was afforded the little ones, and my how they performed and grew. Speaking of growth, Lltl is big, ha! The tools to take on Elves, yes indeed, if the elves don't simply murder them all first!
Rating: 198, a bit under two million banked, 63 was tough on them and they won it with a dash of top coaching and spritz of tremendous fortune from key players on the day, but mostly little Shntsyeooa, who will need to survive another season against players who can actually get to him and then do something about it!
 Wings of the Condor certainly astounded in season 63, pulling up 3rd in premier after contesting the title all the way to remain up for their 7th season. Legend Viola and Superstar Lyceries have an even tighter team of just the bare minimum of efficiency behind them, as much as they suffered along the way the key players have grown and remain terribly hard to corral.
Rating: 195, and bankrupt. The ruthless sacking of Lacoy last season may yet come back to haunt their fans, or maybe the Wizards they'll avoid by not having him will sweeten their dreams.
Sacred Spawning of Sotek snuck into the premier by the skin of their egg-teeth and almost won it! Legend Chuhui and Superstars Cu and Tahua make for a near-mirror image of the old guard who beat them, not to mention some soft scores against them near the halves in a few matches. 13th season, 6th in premier, on paper they're a good match for the Skinks, but they must learn to win those tight ones if they're to take a favoured season like this one and claim the ultimate victory.
Rating: 182, with 200k in the bank. That may under-sell them, but it's the story of some less-troubling skinks that set them below the Champs, if they can't smash these elves early with that extra muscle they will struggle.
 Redgum's Rodents make the premier for the 3rd time in 14 seasons. Legend Dodgy Dan was unstoppable in the confs, and these squads are softer than what he had to survive down there! This may be a fast and agile premier season, but there's only a few faster and more agile than Dan along with Superstars Slick Simon and much-lauded Terence the Tosser. With a little luck in their first game, you never know what they'll achieve, except for the inevitable huge casualty differential against and some high scoring fun.
Rating: 181, and 100k in the bank, this is a pretty top rat team with some excellent players and all the right skills except for any hint a proper killer or two. Because they keep dying, like rats.
Daemon Ex Tesserae with a lightning run for the 3rd season team starting just their 18th game. Superstars Aymar and Vulwin simply don't have the skills or associates to take out a host of elves and will not do well against the Fun Police at all. Though you never do know with elves, especially the pros.
Rating: 166, and 200k in the bank, they should really get trounced up here, repeatedly, total punching bags for the big boys with hard-earned experience of the big time. Winning isn't everything, which is just as well for teams who won't win much.
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So, Terence, you think the Fun Police?
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No, Phillip, I think Nuffle will decide who has a chance, be it a host of basic skills like the Dallas Drowboys, the amazing talents of the Wings of the Condor, the only ones up here who know what being Champ really means with the Slumbering Skink, but probably not the tiddlers in Daemon Ex Tesserae. Someone has to come last, after all.
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Dark Elves, then, Terence?
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This is a preview, Phillip! We don't pick winners! But it's not like anyone else can pick them either. Fairness to all fans, that's what you'll find here, and we know the fans tune into the SWL premier more than any other competition in the world.
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Thanks, Terence. We look forward to the season kicking off with the infamous Bribery and Corruption against some fresh team or another any moment now in the Regionals! There's more than just premier, folks! Enjoy. |
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ramchop
Joined: Oct 12, 2013
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The Awards night dragged on, still no sign of the much anticipated All Stars announcement. A junior member of the Awards sub sub committee who had had one or two shandies more than he normally would (3 in total), sensing there would be no violence tonight, took to the stage.
"Honoured guests", he squeaked in his most formidable voice, "We have some more awards"
DIBBL Invaders Golden Jandal: Morg'n' Thorg (Morgwegian) 36SPP
Choice Team of LXIII:  Henson's Henchmen
Choice Player of LXIII:  Bolwgan Softrock (Port Macquarie Snowleopards)
A Season Larsen:  Galax (Dallas Drowboys) 1Cp 3TD 1Int 2Cas
Overrated:  Exfoliated (Steaked),  Yertle (Freezy Trees),  Cantankerous (Chaos All Sorts) 3 MVP, 0 SPP
Pillow Fighter: Algarin Pendaloan II (Asha'maniac) 52 Blocks, 0 Cas
You're going the wrong way:  Eldril Sidewinder (for High Elvis) -8 Rushing Yards
You're throwing the wrong way:  Guitar man (High Elvis) -5 Passing Yards
Power Fister:  Racoon Johnny (Cocksville Blockers) 1 Block, 2 Cas
Magic Passer:  Nepotism (Bribery and Corruption) 3 Passing Yards from 0 Cp
As the announcer prattled on laughing at his own jokes, in the center of the room two players were finalising the terms of a small wager. With the details agreed upon the two shook hands and stood up on their chairs.
Stanley's Bronze Arrow struck first, the award rocketing towards the announcer, and lodging deep into the left upper thigh. But it was Hoover's Silver Boomerang which struck hardest, in a beautiful arc the trophy sailed past the speaker then swung back smacking him so hard to the back of the head that an eye ball popped out. It bounced on the lecturn, then the stage, before finally landing in the Martini glass of the prone Cobber Ponzi on the Great Hall's floor.
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Meanwhile back at the Freezy Trees' table Lorax sat glaring at the coach. The normally professional and sober Ulf, uncharacteristically off his face.
"What is it Lorax?", asked a concerned Coach ramchop
"I'm not happy! Gox isn't happy. Clark isn't happy", responded the irate Lorax
"Roar", nodded Clark in agreement
"Why ever not?", enquired the Coach
"We're not human!", shouted Lorax
"Roar", agreed Clark with a sad kind of look
"Not much I can do about that", guffawed the insensitive coach
"Look, we don't work our arses off on the field so that you humans can take credit for our successes. We want out of HAND immediately"
"...but, but... HAND are successful, we nearly won WastePac"
"YOU nearly won WastePac, WE are not human. And we want nothing to do with them. If you can't accept that then I guess we'll start looking for another team. I hear the Wongas are looking for a new Ulf, they aren't part of HAND"
"pfft, you're not good enough for the Wongas"
"ROAR!", Clark jumped to his feet in a rage the coach had never witnessed before in the gentle giant.
"Ok ok ok...", the coach backtracked rapidly, "You want out, we're out".
"Roar!", Clark proclaimed gleefully, and skipped over to the coach giving him a big hug (and cracking two lower vertebrae in the process)
The Freezy Trees hereby relinquish their membership of HAND |
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DustBunny
Joined: Oct 14, 2008
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Mar 21, 2016 - 21:14 |
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Coach DustBunny sat in a comfortable chair watching the Cabalvision 'Biggest Splats of LXIII Special' as part of some research for a scholarly article.
"Hmm yes" he thought to himself. "It does appear that my decision to take a sabbatical left some undercooked ones in above their depth." He pondered for a while before declaring the experiment a success. He scrawled a note on some premium elf-skin blotting paper and threw it in the fire place.
Around the Southern Wastes a curious stench emerged from fireplaces, match boxes, and halfling smoking pipes. As the confused denizens backed away from the sources of the smell smoke the colour of coagulated blood curled upwards and formed a simple sentence.
Let it be known.
I have returned.
DustBunny |
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[13:11] <;@Prinz> i can't ban bunny for being funny |
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tussock
Joined: May 29, 2011
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Mar 22, 2016 - 04:13 |
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 A Season 64 Preview and I'm delighted with a tremendously exciting announcement of a fourth conference bought to you by our sponsors, Mr Whippy!
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Sorry, Phillip, that was cancelled at the last moment, it's just three again for the big six-four. Rumours are those great and glorious Goblins are worth more to the league by bringing the fans to the Regional games, as compared to how much they paid in bribes to advance last season (750k). After all, everyone follows Conferences anyway!
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That's the first I've heard of that, for sure, Terence. What is it with you and those Goblins? Especially when we're being sponsored by Halflings this time around.
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That's why I'm the field reporter, Phillip! Good honest appreciation for the more subtle parts of the game, like no halflings being around here forever, other than the odd master chef.
Canberra Carcasses Conference has three big bash squads down from the Premier, what feels like the one Elf squad who didn't make Prem from the season 63 Conferences, and four promoted to the main show from the Regions.
 Error 404 afterlife not found Rating 219, treasury near a million. Former premiers slowly slipping from grace. Remaining superstars Huge Axeman and "ghoulhardy" have very solid support and should run riot down here, legends in the making, so long as the regeneration holds up.
Eau de Toilet Rating 205, treasury 300k. 7th season and lightning superstar Flesh still carrying the whole team along with the ball, as star Made to Messure tries to clear the pitch before him. At least they're out of the Regionals again!
 Hostile Kiddies IV Rating 204, treasury 100k. Five stars, thrower Dom Trady, big blitzers Flay Splatthews and Wustin Jatt, tricky Toe Jomas, and big Weggie Rhite. Expect them to make an impression.
 Asha'maniac Rating 190, treasury 200k. What a disasterous premiership run they had, superstars Mazrim Tam, agile Raefer Kisman, and big Damer Flynn simply lost in the top tier. Can they turn it around and return to their excellent season 62 form?
 Orcs for Correct Spellinge Rating 189, treasury half a million. Superstar blitzer trio Successful Steve, Portugese Pedro, and Independant Roger weren't up to taking the premiership with a lack of talent around them, but they should manage this lot a bit easier.
Cocksville Blockers Rating 176, treasury 300k. Agile star blitzer Buck Hitchtree the only real talent in this sixth season team that's otherwise little better than a fresh squad after a busy recruitment drive in the Regions.
 Autumn's Leaves Rating 175, treasury half a million. They may not have made the premier, but half of it's come down to meet them anyway! Big challenge for stars Gillian Starshine, Elwein, and the famed twins: Tinuviel and Luthien. Desperately in need of a stripper!
Office Rats Rating 137, treasury non-existant. What are this lot of broken rodents doing in conferences you ask? Winning even more games despite barely having a team to field, no doubt. Emerging stars Dwight and Stanley may even work wonders.
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Those poor little rats, Phillip. That's a tough conference.
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It's not the only one, Terence. With Elves filling the Premiership (and Regionals!), there's cold killers and more abounding in the Conferences. If you enjoy the bash and grind, tune into SWL Confernces for season 64!
Dead Rat Walking Conference sees 7 teams bunched together from last seasons Conferences, along with some poor, terrified dwarves up from the Regions, and so not a single Premier reject. But the three teams who just missed out on Premier are all here, so it's no easy season for anyone.
Horrors of Skye Rating 235, treasury huge like the team. Legends Red Knight, Blue Lord, and Skinner make the rest of the team invisible by comparison, but they're a well skilled outfit and if they clear the opening game against the Glee Club well should reach prem for the 2nd time after 19 seasons (which is what I said about them last season).
Psych Lab Rating 210, treasury bare as always. Superstar stripper Martina misses the first round, but a host of emerging stars in this still-growing team will keep their fans happy.
 Chaos All Sorts Rating 209, treasury 400k. No real standouts in this monster roster full of emerging stars, except perhaps minotaur Pandemonium. Performed well last season, but it's not getting any easier for them.
 Blackwater Glee Club Rating 206, treasury cut to the bone. Superstar killers Damien Halford and Dan Rollins can't win games on their own, that's what black pearl inductee Drew "Dr. Jones" De Le Rocha is there for! Can anyone tame that beast?
 Mexican Standoff Rating 191, treasury smashed. Superstar kicker Sancho is somehow still alive for his and the team's 16th season. Who knows, if elven dodge holds up, he may even reach prem for a 4th time.
 Large Head-On Colliders Rating 185, treasury half a million. Legends extraordinaire François Englert and "sneutrino" are the greatest we have by far. Remaining superstar basher Totem pales in comparison, and replacing the blitzing power of Robert Brout has proven hard yakka facing constant attrition.
Urban Nightmare Rating 164, treasury half a million. Star carrier Roundabout nearly took the team to the Premier for their third season, and it's not that much easier down here for a young team!
Striking Thunder Beards! Rating 146, treasury 200k. In just their second season the Beards! have struck some clawed killers. Did well to break out of Regionals, but let's face it will likely be strait back down.
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That sounds brutal, Terence, ruination awaiting the competitors, even the best killers face a few risks with a feast of mighty blows and dirty players even from the Mexicans!
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Glorious, isn't it Phillip! This is the game at it's best, lightning scores, amazing turnovers and pressured recoveries, with gory arterial sprays keeping the fans baying for ever more blood as the best killers in the game tear each other to shreds. Woohoo! Almost as much fun as watching goblins!
SWL Defilers Conference has three up from the Regions, two leftovers from the Conferences, one down from premier, and the return of Conference and Premier champions from season 62 after a short break that let let the Lizards take it all.
Wäŋa Warriors Rating 214, treasury full of green. After taking the season 62 premiership, they went on a bender so long they've only just come back! Superstars Ubirr, Gunlom, Burrunggi, and Mamukala, along with the agile stars Kakadu and Maguk and more will simply tie this conference up in tiny little knots.
Madness Mountain Misery Rating 206, treasury half a million. An outstanding record for a young team of rotters, the Misery will very likely promote again assuming they haven't completely lost touch. More dodge in their game than most elves, this lot.
 Sphinxes from Mars Rating 187, treasury half a million. The new album sees them return to the Conferences for their 15th season, superstar Halloween Jack the remaining band original, with star sweeper Debaser helping maintain some continuity of style. Will this new sound continue to resonate?
 Freezy Trees Rating 183, treasury 200k. Superstar Lorax is a top carrier, and sentimental favourite star snow troll Clark remains a threat despite his injuries. The rest of the squad doesn't rate much, but they're still improving as a team for this, their 7th season.
SWL Jeagers Rating 179, treasury 200k. Survived their trip to Premier not too badly, and scored a good few wins. Have to be some threat to return even against the recent champions.
Banner of the Black Stag Rating 167, treasury bare. Legend Grumnir remains all but alone in this team with 9 new players joining last season. The team's given everthing to protect him, and it shows.
 New World Winers and Diners Rating 158, treasury 300k. Star Count Timothée Beau Pre should continue to be protected by the endless beatings the thralls take, on and off the field. Nasty employment contract, that.
Necromanteia Rating 152, treasury 200k. Reaching conferences in just your second season shows great ... courage, perhaps? What's the opposite of luck? Ah, the blessings of Nuffle, that's it. At least it's a relatively modest Conference?
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Hardly soft with the Misery and the Warriors up there, not to mention that foulest of skellingtons Karma Man!
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No such thing as a soft Conference in the SWL, Phillip, that's why they cancelled the fourth you know, that and a few teams deciding to seek greener pastures in the fringes of the SWL. So that's our season 64 Conferences, named in tribute to the Canberra Carcasses, the Dead Rat Walking, and the SWL Defilers, champion teams from long past seasons of the Southern Wastes League.
The Trials are finished, the Regional competition already underway with a tremendous upset, our previews there will be broadcast direct to your balls very soon, so polish them up and stay tuned to channel BB.
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Excellent work Terence, those Goblins didn't actually win that season opener did they?
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Robbed of it, Phillip! That's the upset. Terrifying giants mysteriously spilling it twice on the way to score a clearly deserved win.
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That makes no sense at all, you never do with those terrible Goblins, Terence. Perhaps I should keep a closer eye on my own ball for the Regional previews, ladies and gents, see if I can make sense of it. Everyone else seems to. Thanks to Mr. Whippy! Enjoy your creamy soft serves only those Halflings know how to make. |
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suttbutt
Joined: Mar 16, 2015
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Mar 23, 2016 - 00:22 |
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FOR PUBLIC RELEASE
The following press release has been endorsed by the senior Inspector General of the Human, Amazon and Norse Directive. All following statements are approved by the Department for Humanoid Affairs.
1. EXCOMMUNICATE
The Coach known to our Authority as 'Ramchop' is henceforth no longer to be associated with H.A.N.D, Any actions undertaken by 'Ramchop' are of his own and the Department for Humanoid Affairs will take no responsibility.
It is the Inspector General's belief that H.A.N.D will improve greatly without the hindrance of 'Clark' the inept Snow Troll and his gang of thug-like Frozen Trees.
2. WELCOME
The Inspector General would like to formally welcome Operative CaptainSmiithheart to the Department, may you enforce the law of Nuffle to it's fullest extent.
3. AWARDS
The Inspector General would like to honor the following players for their performances on the pitch over the past season:
THE IRON FIST - H.A.N.D's Highest Decoration for Performance on the Field
"Wild Thing" Slim Dixon - Cocksville Blockers - 22 Officer Improvement Points (SPPs)
THE DEADMANS FIST - H.A.N.D Decoration for Enforcing the Law of Nuffle
"Wild Thing" Slim Dixon - Cocksville Blockers - 9 Offenders Apprehended (Casualties)
THE SILVER FIST - H.A.N.D Decoration for Ball Handling Skills
Esmeralda - More Than Ballgowns - 7 Completions
THE COPPER FIST - H.A.N.D Decoration for Scoring
Lethan Morgan - Black As Death - 7 Touchdowns
H.A.N.D Allstars LXIII
1: Wild Thing Slim Dixon - Cocksville Blockers -22 (CAPTAIN)
2: Raas - Banner of the Black Stag - 21
3: Lethan Morgan - Black as Death - 21
4: The Kid - Cocksville Blockers - 20
5: Wustin Jatt II - Hostile Kiddies IV - 20
6: Shvenger - Cocksville Blockers - 17
7: Cinderella - More Than Ballgowns - 17
8: Belle - More Than Ballgowns - 15
9: Kalamyte - Black as Death - 14
10: Weggie Rhite - Hostile Kiddies IV - 14
11: Eulian Jendelman - Hostile Kiddies IV - 14
ORIGINAL SIGNED
END REPORT |
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tussock
Joined: May 29, 2011
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| Posted:
Mar 24, 2016 - 06:32 |
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 A Season 63 Preview bought to you by Morg'n'Thorg, who sadly needed to see his name up in lights one more time before fading into irrelivence again. Terence, we've finished all the good bits, but I'll try and pay attention as you explain the new teams.
Some of them do rush through to premier, I suppose. Do we have any like that?
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Phillip, every team in the regionals is capable of reaching the premier division, with a sufficient dose of Nuffle's blessing, and some number of seasons greater than one. What's rushing for one is pedestrian for another, but the highlights of the league are often out here in the Regions regardless.
The Tuco Noriega Regional, for instance, has three teams demoted from Conferences for lack of performance, two sticking with the Regionals to draw the crowds, and three fresh squads.
Port Macquarie Snowleopards Rating 184, treasury 200k. Back in the Regions to pick up a host of extra skills, superstars Bolwgan Softrock (choise, eh) and Hoover Widowmaker should destoy everyone on the scoreline.
High Elvis Rating 183, treasury 100k. Stars Falling In Love With You, Blue Suede Shoes, and Don't Be Cruel will bounce this team right back up where it belongs.
 Bribery and Corruption Rating 174, treasury stolen! Nepotism, Thieving, and Corruption are all emerging, expect Kickbacks, Bribery, and Anarchy to follow. Superlatives are insufficient, if they weren't needed so desperately out here in the Regions, they'd be terrifying the teams all the way to Premier.
 More Than Ballgowns Rating 169, treasury 100k. Amazons stuck in the Regions? Just another move to boost popularity! That and they didn't win many. Despite their wonderful egalitarian nature, expect Cinderella to get to the ball first.
Easy Mode Maniacs Rating 164, treasury 300k. Why if it isn't superstar Caging Chris back for another round of tearing apart the fresh squads, while not bothering overly much with that ball thingy. Will be hoping they let a lot of teams up to the conferences, or perhaps not.
Pretty Bait Machine Rating 130, fresh squad. Lizards win prem and suddenly Lizards, like the rash of Necro a few seasons back.
Glamour Rammers Rating 130, fresh squad. For a while this league was lacking in Chaos teams, and now it isn't. Just what the fans of this sport want to see.
Altered Perception Rating 127, fresh squad. Another squad that's been doing well for quite some time, one leaves us and another replaces it immediately.
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A second regional grouping again too, is it Phillip?
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That it is, Terence, the second of ten teams makes up our total of fifty squads! They will play out their reduced schedule in the same time as the others though, with the bronze trophy for the winner as always.
Flippers Jonasson Regional in somewhat similar order has four teams recently demoted, three just hanging around stinking up the place, and three fresh ones from the Trial of Blood looking to blast through for a quick run at the big time.
Prancing Unicorns Rating 205, treasury 400k. Home of superstar Luke Skywalker and his star mentor Obewan Kenobi, this should surely be their final, and most dominant visit to the Regions, though that's been said of them before!
Nemesis Demons Rating 197, treasury 200k. With star elf Anul the Leper leading from the back, two killers, one agile, and Hellblight the Troll are emerging too, mostly by proving themselves repeatedly most valuable.
 â„︎â†â…White Fluffy Stuffâ…â†â„︎ Rating 172, treasury 300k. Returned after a short break to bury their sorrows at coming dead last in their conference, they could win this Regional for their second minor title in just their third season. Star wight Rae leads a like agile duo of ghouls ready to take the SWL by storm.
Griffon Gate Sentinals Rating 164, treasury lost. How the high and mighty have fallen, superstar Iolas will run riot and star Ivran help with the scoring, as Haemir emerges as a fast sweeper. Expect them to continue their opening form and at least smash the new teams.
Colour of Money Rating 150, treasury 100k. Everyone wants goblins in their regional, and with the real ones in Tuco Noriega, Dik Scrushy and the rest will have to fill in here. Let's just hope there's no riots of dissapointment. Enjoy your inducements, cheaters.
Black as Death Rating 134, treasury dead. Ruthlessly taken apart late last season by the interloper Morg'n'Thorg, it's as well for them there's no fourth conference. Emerging stars Kalamyte and Lethan Morgan can at least shift the ball, but the rest are no better than a fresh squad.
 Southern Warpstone Scavengers Rating 127, treasury void. Now in their third season, the team has almost made the cutoff limit for fresh squads, and even have a couple of victories to their name. Might not even come last.
Shiney Beast of Thought Rating 127, fresh squad. Expect great things from The Shiney Beast of Thought herself, should she survive the SWL as easily as the Trial of Blood.
Macabre Morticians Rating 126, fresh squad. Expect a little fouling from this new set of competitors for the most highly prized bronze boot. I suppose they might even try to win a game now and then too.
Fatality101 Rating 125, fresh squad. Normally a goblin's worst nightmare, this may just be their greatest joy given the team's indifferent record in the Trial of Blood.
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Six new squads this season, by my count, Terence, so we must have lost six as well.
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That's right, Phillip, squads average about five seasons in the SWL, with a little more in recent times, so some turnover is to be expected. Be it coaches fleeing in shame at the horrors inflicted on their squads by Goblins (even the rubbish ones!), teams whose spirit is crushed by a perpetual failure of their fans expectations, and others who simply go on holiday and don't come back in time, if ever. Travel isn't safe you know, there's terrible things in the seas. Sometimes team management simply seeks a greater challenge, or a lesser one as the case may be, and tucks away their winnings toward forming new teams.
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There you have it fans, while I still don't feel the draw of the Regions, it's undeniable that the majority of fans gather in droves to watch their more experienced squads crush the fresh ones with all due relish, with a good few flipping alegience should that young squad show up the old. Fans of those lost teams are always seeking new stars to follow, and here's where they get their start: the SWL Regional divisions. Good luck to the teams, good cheer to the fans, try not to kill too many of the junior referees, at least unless they really deserve it. Ha! |
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cdwat
Joined: Oct 29, 2013
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| Posted:
Mar 25, 2016 - 11:53 |
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 The gathered reporters rushed forward as a bandaged Aymar exited the apothecaries' treatment room.
"Aymar, how do you feel about your award?"
"What award?" he replied.
"You've been recognised for your endurance in carrying on despite suffering so many injuries."
"Injuries?"
The reporter looked at her notepad.
"A broken neck in your 2nd game, a damaged back in your 7th, a smashed ankle in your 18th, a broken jaw in your 19th, a serious concussion in your 20th, and now a smashed collar bone in your 29th game.
Aymar stared in disbelief.
"Serious concussion? Broken neck? I don't remember that. I don't remember the concussion either. The apothecary always said it was just a scratch."
A stunned Aymar with a distant stare trudged away from the media pack, their following questions a blur of noise in the background.
The badge awarded to Aymar for
accruing -ma, -st, -ag, -av, niggle
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bigbullies
Joined: Feb 20, 2015
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| Posted:
Mar 28, 2016 - 19:55 |
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This morning started like any other morning, that is til i sat to eat my breakfast with the paper for that's when i noticed it wasn't my usual paper at all
the main headline reads....
GONE TO NEVERLAND
The disappearance of Wendy during the ballgowns game last night has people perplexed however agents from H.A.N.D. are working on the case as we type.
This from H.A.N.D operative Bullies It appears that while everyone's attention was taken with the good doc defibrillating Jane after her heart suddenly stopped early in the game that someone drew her away from the crowd and dare i say it kidnapped her !
At this stage our main suspects are Peter Pan and Hook though we are yet to find any DNA evidence of their attendance at the stadium and as yet have had no contact with either party.
Wendy if you read this please get in touch we would dearly like to know you are safe and that you may one day return to us.
Indeed this worries me greatly for Tinkerbell will not take this lightly at all i only hope that H.A.N.D. finds the culprit before her.... |
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