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DoubleSkulls



Joined: Oct 05, 2003

Post   Posted: Apr 13, 2005 - 07:20 Reply with quote Back to top

Well fans of mayhem and murder the notorious and rather noxious rotter team, Smellier Socks than You kicked off their first every SWL game today - and boy did those boys have fun on their debut. The opposition was the once mighty Good Old Days Return and I can tell you they are wishing for those good old days now. With the forced retirement of several big name players including the awesome Kevin Sheedy to fit inside the league cap, the humans just couldn't seem to get the hang of the game.

With Socks choosing to receive a well placed sock (with boot) managed to knock star lineman Rodney Eade out - and the odour must have been bad since he never game back. With fellow muscle man Grant Thomas tripping over his own feet the Good Old Days were in real trouble. Forced to use guile instead of strength they just couldn't hold the rampant rotters and Perspiration II put them in the lead at the half.

Second half and Gary Ayres managed, somehow, to forget about the stench coming from the line (the wind must have been blowing the wrong way) and ran up to the line to throw - only for the stench to overcome his senses. Although recovered the drive was stalled and the socks managed to pour the pressure on the out numbered and out muscled humans. Odure eventually recovered the ball for the second. As the match drew to a close the heavens opened and it began to rain - this didn't managed to damped the smell and Toxic ran in a thoroughly undeserved 3rd.


Praag Chronicle

_________________
Ian 'Double Skulls' Williams
Eucalyptus Bowl
Smegish



Joined: Jul 13, 2004

Post   Posted: Apr 13, 2005 - 05:31 Reply with quote Back to top

Jahosh Gawwad here again sports fans, to tell you about the results in the recent Veterans League competition. The Pro Losers II have shown that they had what it takes to make it in the big leagues, if only they were allowed to get that far.... ah well. They played six games, and only lost one to the Maniac Mammalians, due to critical players being forced to miss the game. However age is starting to catch up with these elves, and how long they can keep up their winning ways is unclear.

This is Jahosh Gawwad, telling you to keep BRINGING BACK THE BIFF!
Twahn



Joined: Aug 02, 2003

Post   Posted: Apr 13, 2005 - 04:13 Reply with quote Back to top

Edi the Birk: "Howdey Sportsfans, you're listening to Edi the Birk and we're coming live from the aftermath of the recent Carlton United vs. Gumbeast United Northern Conference clash! Carlton have just made their return this season, having been absent for the entirety of last season as the club spiralled into near ruin after a ticketing scandal had them banned from competition. All alledgedly fraudulent earnings have now been donated to Mr. Swan's favourite charity 'Future Children Lost Through Fouling', and the disgraced club has been allowed reentry to the conferences.
I'm speaking with the man himself, who for the first time in Carlton's long history was not playing or even coaching Carlton today."

The Birk turns to face his guest...

Edi: "So tell me Mr. Swan, welcome to the show. Tell me, why is that we won't be seeing you take the field for Carlton any more and where exactly is it that you and your coaching staff have taken off to?"

Mr. Swan: "Hi there Edi, yeah its a pleasure to be speakin' with ye mate, been a while. To answer you're there question, it's age mainly, and also with these new 'ere salary cap business going on, well it just isn't in my interests to be a 'player' any more. It just ain't fiscal, if you get my whatsit. So, for tax reasons too, sure, but mainly I was just thinkin' that I'm getting too old for this caper.
I've been thinking about this whole age thing a good bit lately, Edi, and I'm not ashamed to tell ye, and it's been getting me down y'know? It don't seem right after all I've done for the good town of Carlton and for the SWL and for all them women out there, that I'm just gonna get old and keel over... so anyways, I been thinking as I was saying and I think I've come up with an answer to the whole problem. I'm still working on ironing out the finer smidgeons but I really reckon I'm onto something here Edi."

Edi: "Please, tell us more..."

Mr. Swan: "Well, okay... it all started when I was 'aving a bit of a drink a couple of moons ago... drowning my niggles... thinking about oldness... drinking a long neck of Bloodweiser I was, when I looked up from me aforementioned bottle and I catches me a glimpse of the long, pretty neck of the barmaid serving me. Well, I gets to thinking... if ye could call it that... I'm enjoying me bottle of 'Blood' so much... I wonder what the Blood's tasting like in that there long neck? Ay? Don't tell me you 'aven't wondered yourselves? So... I went and found out, and I tells yes, I made a discovery that night that I'm thinkin' might just change the face of Blood Bowl in the SWL forever! And I mean forever... like... eternally."

Edi: Well, that's certainly exciting news for lovers of beer, Swaney, good luck with that eh? We have to leave you now though as we're out of time. Stay tuned for more of the same next time around. Edi the Birk, doing the work. Night all."

_________________
Founder of the Southern Wastes League

DonTwahn's Dungeon = Cheap Miniatures! Check it out...
gumbi



Joined: Aug 02, 2003

Post   Posted: Apr 12, 2005 - 04:26 Reply with quote Back to top

This is Micky Ellem, bloodbowl reporter for the channel 6 news. Our hidden cameras take us into a Southern Mothers Association meeting, in this shocking expose on the naughty side of the mothers...

'A group of ladies of all ages have filled the Drunken Donkey tea house, with groups of all ages gathered on stools in the tea-bar area, at the rear of the bar we find the lovely tea garden, where the Gumbeast United coven are gathered sipping their lemon tea and nibbling on scones with jam and cream.

They are discussing a recent article in a newspaper which claims that women are looking for more... intimate contact in their lives. Star thrower John Gascoigne cannot agree more 'I envy you girls up the front getting some hands on action on the pitch, It is just so hard to find a man who is looking for the same things as me...' her team mates agree, 'Man Eater' Anders Hansson comments that 'My favourite match was against those young lads from I-House, gave them a nice cuddle and they went crying home to their mummies' the table erupts into nasty giggling, *Cant handle the Gumbeast United Magic*. 6 of those poor lads were seen limping after encountering the Gumbeast United squad in a heated game.

The discussion continues, and the attention turns to tonights big game, against Carlton United the main focus of discussion is that the Gumbeast squad are sorely missing their experienced positional players, who have retired after crippling injuries. At least we have some nice boys up first chimes in Leif 'Rabbo' Svensson, who is tipped to be facing retirement after struggling through even more plastic surgery, 'I have wanted to get my hands on that scrumptious Duke or his little friend Flash, just a bit of action on the field' she smirks.'

Star lineman Edward Worraker turns to the camera and screams 'Who is that! Thats no Southern Mother - 'Lets get him girls!', the camera falls to the ground, the mothers gather round and Edward lines up for one of her famous 'special massages'... the view fades to black.


It will be interesting to see how the naughty Gumbeast United squad recover after their shocking recent injury run. The Southern Mothers Association - the teams unofficial voice, have been keeping quiet over their plans.

This film comes from the late Warren 'Rabbit-Hole' Teggles. RIP.
Snorri



Joined: Jun 07, 2004

Post   Posted: Apr 11, 2005 - 16:31 Reply with quote Back to top

More Kazikam snaps!

The Place: SWL Veteran's League

The Game: Karaz Krasherz (Snorri) vs AFL All Stars (Sp00n)

The Play: Crowd Riot!

The Snap: Kickoff! (Turn 1)

Desperately trying to get over there embarrassing 2 game losing streak (biggest they've ever had), the Krasherz lined up against the All Stars pumped up on snotling juice.

Wasn't very long before the crowd let the lads know just what they thought of having elves come and visit and show the elforcs up for the wannabe's they were. Kazi managed to take this quick snap from the safety of the dugout box after the incident.
Snorri



Joined: Jun 07, 2004

Post   Posted: Apr 10, 2005 - 02:56 Reply with quote Back to top

A quick snap from the Kazikam

The Place: The Chunkathon

The Game: Karaz Krasherz vs Wanna Beatin

The Play: Da Wall!

The Snap: Sweet trollish love!

It's a wonder dose trolls ever get past the staring stupidly at each other stage in the long flowering of a trollish romance.
Smegish



Joined: Jul 13, 2004

Post   Posted: Apr 09, 2005 - 10:51 Reply with quote Back to top

Hi there sports fans, I am Jahosh Gawwad and I shall be here all season long to give you news about the greatest team in the Regionals, Women Who Wear Little.
They have had a great start to the season, defeating Form Guide three blot, and defeating Good, Bad, Furry 3-2.
Their only serious injury so far as been a fractured leg on Paris Hilton, who has sworn to get back onto the field as soon it heals.

This has been Jahosh Gawwad, reminding you to keep BRINGING BACK THE BIFF!
ozjesting



Joined: Jan 27, 2004

Post   Posted: Apr 06, 2005 - 03:24 Reply with quote Back to top

Ed Harsh here for a special report

A quiet day in Crowe land as we say goodbye to another fallen friend. Angels was a quiet fellow who didn't really rack up the stats...but was always in the thick of the action. He eschewed glory for team unity. A classic Beastman on the line. Block-Mighty Blow-Guard, he was in it for his mates til the very end. He joined the Herd not long after they began...44 games in total. It was a touching ceremony indeed. Team Capitan Gone gave a rousing eulogy, members of his family spoke of his gentle upbringing that belied such an unassuming warrior, and Lions sang his latest hit Bye Bye Funny Face
In Black Crowe tradition the newest Crowe GreasyGrassRiver carried the coffin to represent that life goes on.
Sad times indeed dear readers...but here's hoping the kidz can put this behind them and really train well this week in preparation for the Slumbering Skink match of Premier Rd 2.

_________________
Say GO AWAY to CuddleBunny!
chunky04



Joined: Aug 11, 2003

Post   Posted: Apr 06, 2005 - 02:59 Reply with quote Back to top

Coach Chunknanimous erects his own podium. It seems he nows carries a portable one with him everywhere he goes.

"Well, we certainly showed those followers of the pencil-neck geek who the hard men of Chaos really are. They never even knew what hit em. If there hadn't have been a temporal warp flux caused by the interaction between the TER and the Chaos Watses, we'd have won a lot more handsomely. Still the thing proved its worth again, and Amorical will never be the same. Not quite the result we were hoping for, but it'll do.

Next up, we're going to show those stupid treehuggers what we do to Flitter Mice."

_________________
chunky - you are eloquence on legs
ozjesting



Joined: Jan 27, 2004

Post   Posted: Apr 05, 2005 - 15:34 Reply with quote Back to top

Ed Harsh here for Herd and Hoof Magazine

Holy Hollrin' Horns!!! Not only were the Herd unable to get fired up over pre-game insults...they gave the league every reason to believe they may be well passed their prime! This was a bashin the likes we have NEVER seen! Angels was killed, SIs to HardToHandle and Amorica, 2 BH and a slew of KOs. NASTY NASTY work from the new kidz on the block! All the faithful could do was watch in horror as the TER machine made it's nasty debut.
The only highlight was some clever blocking to push free late in the 2nd half...which saw a lovely pass from Gone to Conspiracy end up as a TD. But too little too late as an easy pass play on T16 saw a win for the BashD.
Where to from here?

Crowes 1 vs 2 BashD

_________________
Say GO AWAY to CuddleBunny!
chunky04



Joined: Aug 11, 2003

Post   Posted: Apr 05, 2005 - 15:03 Reply with quote Back to top

[21:11] <chunky04> The Crowes will be missing Nebakanezer for todays game - he is out with a groin strain, but reports indicate he hsould be fine for next weeks game
[21:11] <chunky04> and we have reports coming in that Byundead is on the juice
[21:12] <chunky04> Not really a surprise given the leniency the administration has shown to the elfroids epidemic
[21:13] <chunky04> The Crowes look set to begin with a very strong defensive formation
[21:13] <oz|Premier> So true chunky...for a league that is trying to control the bashiness the drug problem seems to be getting worse
[21:14] <oz|Premier> Happy to see that Amorica stayed on the bench for the opening drive...moral high ground from the Golden Boot
[21:14] <chunky04> There'll be no controls on the bashiness tonight oz, both teams look primed for mayhem and murder tonight
[21:15] <oz|Premier> And we're off! Another short kick from HardToHandle...he has been very accurate as late
[21:17] <oz|Premier> Mmm..maybe the drugs weren't as good as we thought.Misses first injury roll!
[21:17] <oz|Premier> But DP swoops!
[21:17] <chunky04> and Bash D target WiserTime with a ground and pound play, and successfully neutralises him for this game
[21:17] <oz|Premier> and OUCH...new claw OUT for the game
[21:17] <oz|Premier> (and the next)
[21:18] <chunky04> Unfortunately oz, he's also out for the next game as well - Bash D would have preferred him to play that game and cause their rivals some problems
[21:21] <chunky04> The Crowes come back with a Claw of their own and KO byundead
[21:22] <chunky04> Then I-House up the stakes, tearing the groin of HardtoHandle, who lives up to his name as the apothecary fails to fix the problem
[21:22] <oz|Premier> I-House? Must be a time warp problem here folks...we will try and adjust.
[21:23] <chunky04> we return to your normal broadcast - these games in the Chaos Wastes can really get strange sometimes...
[21:23] <chunky04> Bash D take up a strong position on the top flank of the pitch
[21:24] <chunky04> They're really finding little trouble with the armour of the Crowes
[21:25] <chunky04> The crowd pauses in anticipation, wondering how the Crowes will escape from this seemingly dire position
* /msg: insufficient parameters
[21:26] <chunky04> Looks like we're still having some problems with our telecast, either that or those juvenile necromancers are once again trying to hack into our station and send messages
[21:26] No such nick
[21:39] <chunky04> You would think that people who live practically forever would get over such childishness - everyone knows there is no nick here
[21:40] <chunky04> It appears that temporal warp rift has returned, with HardtoHandle temporarily returning to the pitch
[21:40] <chunky04> Some enterprising fan has taken the opportunity to throw a second ball on the pitch
[21:40] <chunky04> It appears to be a temporal ball however, as only half the fans watching can see it
[21:43] <chunky04> The Crowes scramble to recover
[21:47] <chunky04> On both sides, players continue to be taken from the pitch, there have been 4 players knocked out already during this match
[21:50] <chunky04> Both teams are playing very carefully right now, trying to protect their biggest assets
[21:50] <oz|Premier> Claw is a killer friends...just say NO to warpstone!
[21:51] <chunky04> Amazingly, bykhemri chooses not to put his well proportioned boot into Conspiracy
[21:54] <chunky04> MorningSong makes an outstanding dodge, seemingly taunting the Bash D players with his prowess
[21:55] <chunky04> Taller attempts to take out ByPI, but after muffing the job, trips over himself trying to get out of the way of the inevitable retribution and is out for the rest of the game
[21:58] <chunky04> Bash D seem to take tremendous confidence now that all of the Crowes Claw wielding options are gone, taking MorningSong out of the match, and then killing Angels
[22:03] <chunky04> Bythosedamnrats fools everyone with the old ball under the jumper play and play dead play
[22:03] <chunky04> but fails his dodge
[22:04] <chunky04> Byfoul ends up with the ball - he looks certain to score with the Crowes having only two players remaining on the pitch
[22:05] <chunky04> Byfoul scores right at the end of the half
[22:09] <oz|Premier> Nasty half indeed!
[22:10] <oz|Premier> 1 RIP, 2SI, 2 BH and 2 stay KO...only 7 left to start 2nd half! Nasty bizness indeed!!!
[22:10] <chunky04> Bash D have lost only two to KO, surely things look grim for the Crowes
[22:11] <chunky04> Will the only question after this game be - how long can the Crowes survive?
[22:13] <chunky04> It looks like the referee has been intimidated by the carnage of the first half and gone into hiding
[22:16] <chunky04> bynorse gets hurt by Golden Boot winner Amorical, who Coach Chunknanimous said would be targetted and destroyed before the game
[22:16] <chunky04> The Bash D apothecary seems capable of handling it however
[22:21] <chunky04> Bash D succeed in hunting down Amorical, but only manage to leave him with a smashed ankle
[22:30] <oz|Premier> Well what a turn around...Gone gets the ball back...survives the RR hit..and throws a short pass to Conspiricy. May be too little too late...but exciting to the end these kidz!
[22:32] <chunky04> The Crowes look at short odds to score and tie the game here folks
[22:32] <chunky04> If they succeed, it will be one of the most memorable and unlikely comebacks in SWL history!
[22:35] <chunky04> Bash D have pulled out all the stop to try and prevent the tying TD, will it be neough?
[22:40] <oz|Premier> NOT!!!
[22:40] <oz|Premier> Conspiracy pulls off the blitz/dodge with a little help from his Guard mate!
[22:41] <oz|Premier> But with only 8 defenders...can they hold on for the draw???
[22:41] <chunky04> And the crowd goes WILD!
[22:54] <chunky04> Bash D swarm up the field looking for the equaliser
[22:54] <chunky04> The Crowes knock off 3 out of the 4 Bash D players in scoring position, will that be enough?
[22:55] <chunky04> After ByOrcs blitzes the opposition away, bythosedamnrats throws a completion to byundead, who after a bit of a nervous stutter scores the winning touchdown!
[22:55] <chunky04> What a game!
[22:56] <chunky04> The Crowes looked gone for all money, but showed tremendous heart to storm back into the hunt
[22:56] <chunky04> Bash D showed a great deal of poise to coolly score the game winner
[22:56] <chunky04> This is what Premier League Blood Bowl is all about folks.

_________________
chunky - you are eloquence on legs
ozjesting



Joined: Jan 27, 2004

Post   Posted: Apr 04, 2005 - 14:14 Reply with quote Back to top

Ed Harsh here for Herd and Hoof Magazine

I apoligise dear readers for the lack of Premier style printing...it shall be rectified shortly. The offices of Herd and Hoof were destroyed in a rampageing fit by the GREAT UNSEEN after thinking he and the Crowes had been relagated to Conference play. But it appears some nefarious spell casting by THE BOARD has set things right. We hope to have more on that story soon.
The BIG news in Crowe land is the recent press conference held by Coach Chunknanimous earlier this evening. For all the indignity faced by our brave kidz NEVER has anyone spoken out directly against the GREAT UNSEEN. Especially in such a crass and untawdry way! It is one thing to question tactics...but direct insults?!? Pencilneck geek?!? Oh man how I fear for the beasts of Bash D come tomorrows game! AND they have made a direct threat against Golden Boot holder Amorica! So many insults against a proven squad...from an upstart band of beasties who have arrived in Premier through possibly the SOFTEST conference in known history!
But lest we are seen to be commiting the same sin of disrespect we shall but wait and see what transpires tomorrow. That is 9pm (ish) AEST for those of you with tickets to the game.

And keep your eyes peeled...you just mat be able to make out the glimmer and swirl that announces the arrivial of the GREAT UNSEEN...he will be taking notice!

_________________
Say GO AWAY to CuddleBunny!
chunky04



Joined: Aug 11, 2003

Post   Posted: Apr 04, 2005 - 13:15 Reply with quote Back to top

Coach Chunknanimous takes the podium.

"We're going to show those puny minions of the Great Unseen exactly why he is unseen. It's cause he's got nuthin. He's a pencil-neck geek hiding in some basement pretending to be a big shot. He knows if he ever does get seen, those idiot Crowes will finally realise they've been duped and murdalise the kid. They may be stupid, but they ain't that stupid. I still don't know how they're in this Premier league - geez, even those soft bastards I-House managed to beat those guys.

Oh, and by the way, I still have the TER up my sleeve, and I've made some adjustments to it. Not that it could affect any of my players, since we have none of those gloryhound Twahnlow winners, but it now only affects the opposition. First it took care of jealousguy, and now its time for Amorica to go down hard.

There's only going to be one worthwhile Chaos representative in this Premier division after this game, and I'll give the final say on the matter to ByPI:

ByPI says in a low raspy drawl "Nothing matters" then walks away.

Coach Chunknanimous is seen shaking his head then shrugging his shoulders as he walks off.

_________________
chunky - you are eloquence on legs
Miyuso



Joined: Aug 02, 2003

Post   Posted: Apr 02, 2005 - 02:21 Reply with quote Back to top

After a Long and Illustrious Career, Big Gordo Is calling it a day. He Hasn’t decided what day, but that’s just him. This Block, Claw, Dodge, Tentacles, Guard Monster has been a Stalwart of the Brisbane Boncos for many a game and, while the opposition might be Happy to see him go, The Fans Certainly Aren’t.

This is Carbine, Signing out
ozjesting



Joined: Jan 27, 2004

Post   Posted: Mar 31, 2005 - 17:13 Reply with quote Back to top

copy of a memo sent to the GREAT UNSEEN from the GREAT UNHEARD

can you believe this?!? here we are sewing together time and space to make sure the Black Crowes stay in Premier and the once mighty champions of Blue Mountin Dragons are bleediing themselves out to scrape into Regional. REGIONALS for gods sake! DON'T let me down...for regardless of what happens, YOU will never see another game lower than Premier ever.

and don't forget to stop by the lab...a couple of things we need you to look through in the Blue vials.

_________________
Say GO AWAY to CuddleBunny!
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