tussock
Joined: May 29, 2011
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 Posted:
Aug 05, 2021 - 12:29 |
 
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SWL All Stars LXXXVII
This season, the southern wastes were cursed by a deluge of lizards. Big lizards, small lizards, lizards invisible to the naked eye, they infested the Premiership, with their terrifying coldblooded ways and the strange way they all taste like chicken. Rumours had abounded for weeks that snakemen were infiltrating the All Star Committee to meddle with the results, but as the traditional parade through town was led by a bunch of zombified snotlings in a pump wagon, it was clear that everything was back to normal and there'ssss nothing ssstrange about any of the ressssultssss for the All Ssssstarsss this seasssson. Here'sss the full breakdown:
Professor Oak started a fine season (normally enough for a Big Guy Sundae) in fine form, serving up the hurt on a Zombie. After a four-fling surf by the Mexicans, he raged, hurting three and seriously concussing another, almost every hit sending an elf from the pitch, and fouls too when they wouldn't stand back up. Next up he hurt a Troll no less! A most annoying wrestler was the prime target in the team's heroic tie vs Furnamii. Unusually, only a KO vs the Blag Stag as his head-butting tactics failed him, but that just warmed him up for the Blocky Horror Show, seriously concussing one and all but killing another. Carried that form against the Expats, with one hurt and a broken neck giving them the space to earn their first win of the season in the last game. Always making a mark, always giving it his all, and he doesn't even have Block, just two strong arms to hit folks with. Imagine what could've been if he didn't spend most of the mid season throwing his team-mates at people, eh.
What does it take to win Prem? Chocolate. Lots of Chocolate blocks. We've seen a different sort of Chocolate in the all stars before, this is the new style. In just his third season, a fairly young team around him, but Gnoblars couldn't handle the sweetness of this tackling Saurus and he was the only Saur to stay on the pitch against the Ogres. The wee Skinks of the other two big Lizard teams couldn't get away from him it once he perfected his delicious elf-like dodges and bagged a few of them too. Not to mention the poor unfortunate Dwarfs. Only one rough game for him, against the Chorfs, but late season after Waffle was taken from them, he lead the team well. More blocks given out than anyone else in prem, and free target selection getting him as many casualties as anyone out of it, just the most popular flavour by miles, classic Chocolate blocks.
Looming into undeniable contention to round out the line is none other than the Ogre who is what it says on the tin… the Carnivore may have lost a pace of speed, but this boy is definitely getting his protein from somewhere with that bulk. He didn’t throw a staggering amount of Blocks this season, maybe the opposition unsportingly ran off from the lumbering brute? But those hits he did make most certainly connected, with a league beating 3.8 Block to Cas ratio. Maybe if the coach can channel that hunger for meat into consistent on-field aggression, avoid the dreaded Ogre-dribbles, and get in a good off-season of cardio, the big fella could be the one to (death) watch next season.
Rushing, rushing, rushing his team back into Prem contention is the Rodent with the unpronounceable name, Aeneas. It certainly pays to be the best of a bad bunch as you run home more TDs than anyone in the League, let alone the Division. ‘Sharing is caring’ dubbed ‘loser squeak’ by the biggest scoring gun in the league. Quite how you do that while moving slower than an Ogre, co-Cah-ugh, appears to be a mystery, but then so does the existence of man sized rodents at all… punching his way into Legend-ary status in the last season, this little rodent now has to brawn to back up the attitude, and we feel this multi-time All Star wont have seen the last of the All Star Scrolls in his personal Odyssey in the Southern Wastes.
With a name that’s more than a mouthful to chew on, Nathaniel Dogsbody continued the tradition of outstanding achievement in the field of excellence we’ve come to expect from the furry critters of SWL. The SWL does love its puppies, and Dogsbody is shaping up to be quite the specimen. A career that started with him treatin opponents like chew-toys, swung around to playing ball with some of the best, until he now em-bodies ahem quite the all-rounder. A terror to the other scorers of the league, and no slouch when it comes to a prancing display himself, he has all the earmarks of a purebred terror in the making. As a key component of his teams dominant rise to Prem we're sure Nathaniel will prove to be the Bestest of Boys for the future.
A surprising lack of lizards in the All Stars (the fans' tip for the top, Murder Thunder, spent too much time sidelined with minor injuries, while the Curse of the All Stars left LXXXVI All Star Herbad Ith with a permanent headache) but Walk Fame sauntered his way onto the team list with 161 yards rushing and nine TDs. If Torgan Silvermead was still alive he might complain that he'd run further on shorter legs, but for a skink to be scoring more than once a match in an ever-increasingly violent Premiership meant the committee had to take notice and award a star to the Stripes' runner par excellence
The Federeated Fowlers were up against it in prem this season. Three Lizards, Dwarfs, Chorfs, and Norse. Critter just grinned ear to ear, because adding the Ogres to that there was four teams full of stunties to hunt, and avoiding the big guys in return just adds to the fun. Eight cas, including four serious, even hurt a Dwarf. In a menacing prem, that's great work, he'd have had more but the teams hunted him too, and when they got him the Fowlers struggled to stay in the game. Key piece for them, great contributor in their wins and ties, no one matched him in season LXXXVII. With just 21 games to his name, he'll be a powerful force for some time to come, great contributor for an all star team.
With a perfect season record, 7 wins from The Crazy Beard Express (including a walkover) was a brilliant return after narrowly dropping out of the top flight last season. How does one perform such a remarkable feat? Quite literally by running a Stampede through your opposition with a brilliant two-way player. Agile, fleet of hoof, with elite tackling prowess, Stampede is equally able to hold the backfield, allowing a measly 2 touchdowns against all season whilst inflicting a number of casualties on would be scorers. Equally, with vice-like hands, uncanny speed and the renowned Bull Centaur staying power Stampede rushed for a whopping 178 yards and 8 TDs. Stay out of the Mufasa-ing way, the Stampede is here.
The success of the Amateur Professionals in SWL (including a first ever title for the High Elves) has been oft attributed to many factors, however one constant has been the requirement for strong presence in the backfield, able to make the plays, digging the ball out of awkward positions and finding space where none should be available. Filling the shoes of the agile Loveridge was never going to be easy, however David Kirk's performances were one of the shining lights in what was a tough season for the Amateurs. Favouring raw strength, effort & a fierce training regime over natural speed and talent Kirk threw for an impressive 85 yards & 14 completions for the season - nearly 60 yards clear of his nearest rival across all divisions. Not only that, but a healthy training regime has paid dividends. Kirk didn't miss a turn of play for the entire season, such was the faith his coach had in his ability.
There is nothing that says maintaining an appropriately Social Distance like finding yourself face down after having been smashed in the face by the opposition. Nothing like having a group of his biggest, ugliest mates surround you whilst your coach screams for the referee (who is incidentally counting the contents of suspiciously bulging money-sack). Certainly nothing like a deformed, rotting being somewhere between in the midst of a short lived half-life grinning maniacally whilst slavishly smashing boot, body and bile-laden maw into you with wanton abandon. Yet that is what coach Torquemada demanded, and what first time all-star Swabbie delivered with brutal efficiency & LRB4 results. 30 fouls, 6 players Knocked Out, 4 so Badly Hurt they were unable to continue (including an apothecary draw), a Smashed Hip and a Smashed knee. Ouch. Rumour has it the other All Stars demanded him on their team so he wasn't against them.
 (c)
Normally the captaincy of the All Stars generates all sorts of controversy about which egomaniac will demand to be the most important, but this season Cah, the plus-size gentleman with a heart of gold and fists of iron was happily accepted by everyone as their leader. Never big-headed (although occasionally boneheaded) he led Concussion Protocol through the first ever Ogre visit to the SWL Premiership. While most Ogres are known for walloping people, Cah scored more TDs than almost any other player in the Premiership, and while Walk Fame edged him on TDs, that little lizard couldn't match him for hot-blooded enthusiasm and all-round power. "Baby, you can drive my Cah" as the minstrels of the alehouses are already singing.
LXXXVII All Stars
Professor Oak, Celebrity Chefs FC
Chocolate, Cold Rock
Carnivore, Kingdom Decay (SWL)
Aeneas, Styx αnd Warpstones
Nathaniel Dogsbody, Play Fetch
Walk Fame, Blood Crag Stripes
Critter, Federated Fowlers
Stampede, Crazy Beard Express
David Kirk, Amateur Professionals
Swabbie, Social Distance
Cah, Concussion Protocol
LXXXVII Prem Stars
Cah, Concussion Protocol
Walk Fame, Blood Crag Stripes
Snickers, Cold Rock
Herbad Ith, Cult of the Firedrake
Critter, Federated Fowlers
Chocolate, Cold Rock
Mobad Namimdigr, Cult of the Firedrake
Torduken, Bronzed Raiders
Rakomu, Bronzed Raiders
Mobad Rilmiod, Cult of the Firedrake
Kofaer, Bronzed Raiders
LXXXVII Conference Stars
Nathaniel Dogsbody, Play Fetch
Aeneas, Styx αnd Warpstones
Stampede, Crazy Beard Express
Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins
Macropounder, Ouch in a Pouch
Carnivore, Kingdom Decay (SWL)
Buck Shelford, Amateur Professionals
David Kirk, Amateur Professionals
Swabbie, Social Distance
Lockdown, Social Distance
Diana Wynne Jones, Play Fetch
LXXXVII Rising Stars
Enthusiasm, Heroes Before the Fall
Teahupoo, Furnamii
Merrick Grumnirson, Banner of the Black Stag
Elder Ryan J. Phirramid, III, Blackwater Saltminers
Professor Oak, Celebrity Chefs FC
Malice Bleakheart, Har Ganeth Hellebores
Sloomah Treetooth, SWL Dorruks
Mundaka, Furnamii
Malkus Skeletonsmasher, SWL Dorruks
Muddle, Chaos All-Sorts
Liegh Diffy, Expat Express
The SWL All Stars committee is a team effort dedicated to fluffmanship and the use of obscure statistics. This season's fluff was brought to you by a snotling turned necromancer, a rat snuck into a chaos team, an elf, and the usual three goblins in an overcoat. If you'd like to join the all-star committee, give us a whistle. |
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Jul 30, 2021 - 03:57 |
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We never said that, did we? Regional Predictions Revisited
 Zealots of Change
With the Druchii 'Dynasty' preferring to quit at the top of their game, their Norse coach decided it was time to go for the slightly slighter choice of Underworld. As long as there's no tackle to worry about, those goblins should be surprisingly durable.
Third highest casualties sustained in the Regionals put the lie to these underworld denizens being particularly durable, but solid hitting by the warpstone addicts kept a respectable -1 cas diff. And only one dead goblin by the end of the season.
 Blackwater Saltminers
With 2 wins in 2 trials, the Saltminers have escaped serious injury so far, and bring a full squad of those bearded wonders to the league. With as much Block as a sauna full of Vikings in chainmail bikinis, this team is going to hit hard from the start, and probably not stop...
A respectable 14 casualties inflicted meant the Saltminers weren't as violent as we'd expected, but these softhanded dwarves still did enough to finish as runners-up in the Regionals. Will be interesting to see if they collide with the Giants on their way up...
 Blocky Horror Chaos Show
Possibly the only Chaos team in the league this season, the Show had a poor start to things with a 3-1 drubbing by a team of out-of-work warpstone addicts, but these mutant horrors will mature by the end of this season into a hard hitting horror show. As long as they don't die early on, we pity whoever plays them in round 7...
With the Chaos All Sorts and the Chaos Show ending in a 1-0 win to the Show, without a single serious injury, the bloodthirsty fans of the Death Watch were mightily disappointed. After a good start, the Show hit a lull mid-season, before finding their form again near the end. (Or should that read as "murdering defenceless halflings"?)
 Mexican Standoff
After a short interlude, the Mexicans return with a team that's made up almost entirely of linemen. Never mind that, they clearly believe they can ride on the continuing affections of their fans for a few matches, and with two recent wins and the regular annoying elf skills like Wrestle and Kick already on the roster, they're probably prepared for a pretty powerful comeback.
By the end of the season, the Mexicans had the second-worst casualty differential in the division. As the only team to beat the eventual winners of the division, the Standoff had something going for them, but it wasn't the high scoring pointy-eared madness our pundits had tipped.
 Expat Express
As if two seasons of playing lightly armoured stunties wasn't enough, the goblins are replaced this season by a bunch of pointy eared fops with silly names. Will we see 'Mel Gibson' topping the SPP charts in seven more games, or Stu Wilsoned off the pitch in no time?
Well, we didn't see Mel Gibson topping anything apart from the Death Watch report. The Express showed alarming consistency when it came to elves dying, but struggled after a savage beating by the 'Show in their third league game, immediately followed by an omelette-winning beat-em-up against their cousins from Naggarond. Rumours have it the Expats are being replaced by something more durable, and very very dead, for next season.
 Chaos All Sorts
Eight touchdowns and nine casualties in their first two games back suggest the Chaos All Sorts might be quite a treat to watch in their comeback season. We have Bedlam picked out as a Maister Whippee contender, as one of the few Big Guys who can block down in the Regionals.
High hopes for Bedlam turned into disappointment for the fans when he did nothing more than break a dwarf's jaw in his second game. However, sharpened fingernails suggest he may have a stand-out run next season, just before the NAF are rumoured to be banning that combination of big fists and pointy claws...
 Banner of the Black Stag
After a lot of remarks early on about Norsemen, it's strange that it's taken this long to find a team of them competing in the division this time. Fans are already calling this team a disgrace due to the lack of Frenzy - whether Earp took the second-worst skill in the game on his skill up just as a Norse rope-a-dope so he can pick Frenzy next, or if the team have some other plans, we can only guess. But the Banner will either be raised high again or dragged through the dirt in seven games' time...
Well, we said the banner might be raised high, and with the Norse going 5-1-1 they take the Regional cup. Everyone at Fun H.Q. is glad to see there's only a single Guard Norseman on the team, and a crowd-pleasing five Frenzy players shows somebody was paying attention to what we said here. Congratulations on your triumphant return! And now please, put some more clothes on.
 Har Ganeth Hellebores
If there was an award for the hardest start, the Hellebores would probably have already clinched it, with the two bloodiest Trials of Blood so far this season. With a dead elf and two more retired in their first match, and another corpse in their second game, these fops are probably aiming to coax a lot of petty cash from the Bank of Naggarond to pay for some sweet, sweet inducements early on.
Somebody said Dark Elves weren't meant to be good at hitting people, but with the Hellebores curiously conceding exactly as many TDs as they scored, it was clearly violence they had on their minds, joint 2nd for casualties inflicted, making up for an injurious start in the Trials of Blood. Will sixth place be enough to promote or will they be in the Regionals for another season?
 Heroes before the Fall
A strong showing in their trials sets up this undead team for success, although the inaccurately named Resilience retired before they'd even made it to the league proper. Another team making the unsporting choice of Guard on a Mummy, when everyone knows you take Thick Skull first, right?
Solid mid-table performance for the Heroes, but as proven by the Banner of the Black Stag, you don't win glory by putting Guard on players, you punch and foul until your opponents start crying. And then you start playing your match. Thankfully, there's enough Mighty Blow and Dirty Player on this team for the angry gallery to be happy, and standout player Enthusiasm looks like he'll be a long term threat.
 SWL Dorruks
Well, we thought the Chaos All Stars were committed to violence, but with 14 casualties in the Dorruks' inaugural two games, the green skinned guys with a twinkle in their eyes (Pinkeye, have you been drinking paint again?) may be cruising past them for some tasty Death Watch trophies. We're going to place a bet right now that Duluk 'Deluxe' Zombieeagle is going to show up in the Regionals Rising Stars in a couple of months, although being the first guy in the division with Mighty Blow and Tackle might also be akin to coach npe painting a target on his back...
Third place for the Dorruks came on the back of 21 casualties, the robust greenskins enjoying the best cas differential in the division, only pipped by the unbeatable Crazy Beard Express for best cas differential in the entire league. Zombieeagle averaged more than one casualty per game, and the young team should have a good time in the big league, especially absent any big claw teams to tear them open...
 Furnamii
Causing almost as much carnage as the Hellebores in their first trial match, the crowds are keen to see if the traditionally fragile Skaven live up to their reputation. Check back here before Sunday...
Early on, the Furnamii seemed desperate to sacrifice a player called La Graviere in every single match. A lack of budget meant there wasn't time to replace their third La Graviere for a few games, precluding further sacrifice, and with La Graviere IV skipping the last game with a bust leg, we can only guess at how many more La Graviere graves there could have been. The mice delivered a lot of touchdowns and a fair few casualties, but when you have five dead rats in seven games, there's a lot of holes for opponents to charge through...
SPECIAL MENTION
 Celebrity Chefs FC
Getting their first victory in the closing hours of this season, it goes to show you can't keep a good halfling down. Well, you can if you put your foot on them, but Professor Oak and Wolfgang Puck are two timbery titans that terrorise the deep end of the league.
Any bets on next season? |
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Jul 30, 2021 - 02:53 |
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SWL Death Watch LXXXVII Week Seven
"Another quiet week."
"Quiet as the grave, you might say."
 Columbina II, off to the columbarium after tripping on a dodge and dying, as only elf catchers can do. Elf Catcher, 18 SPP.
 Julius Strongeagle, more of a lame duck after a crazy hit from Loco. Necromantic Zombie, 11 SPP.
 Bacura, returned to the soil by Brooks Mudman. Amazon Linewoman, 10 SPP.
 Jamie Oliver, going back to the kitchen, after being squashed flat as a dishcloth by Leigh Diffey. Halfling Hefty, 2 SPP.
 Gary Whetton, whetted the appetite of Euryclea Fearlock. *High Elf Catcher, 96 SPP.
 Brian Viletree, ironically uprooted by a foul from Godhild Attacotti. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
Chevelle 5th, slowed down forever by Mega. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"I guess you could say Mega turned him into a minor!"
"I ... er, guess so?"
 Facemask, ripped off and chucked in the bin by Thyla the Unseen. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.
"It's not often you see a bunch of weedy rats beat up on some stinking monsters, but that was the day..."
"Hang on, is that all we got? Eight deaths? Hardly seemed worth turning up for!"
"They don't call it the gentle game for nothing, Bob."
"They never called it the gentle game before, Jim!"
"Maybe they're saving themselves for the new rules..."
"65 deaths though, Jim. It's not been that poor a showing since ... SWL LXXIV?"
"Cheer up Bob. A lot of them will need more than an IV..."
"Oh well, I guess I should cheer myself up by looking at the Curses..."
"There's no -"
"There's no what, Jim?"
"Never mind. Do what makes you happy, Bob..."
Curse Of The Death Watch
Critter, Block * 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Julius Strongeagle, Block * 1 kill. Dead
 Cronus, Block * 9 kills. Fractured Arm
Bacura, Block * 1 kill. Dead
 Murder Thunder, Foul * 3 kills. Fractured Arm
Tooth Roll, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Skull
 Takharth Stoneheart, Block * 3 kills. Gouged Eye
 Greygerd Ged, Block * 2 kills. Broken Jaw
Drop Beargrills, Failed dodge * 1 kill. Smashed Hand
Well that was a bumper result - for the first time, the Curse of the Death Watch struck more than the number of players killed this week. Cronus is probably thinking about taking a nice break before the next season...
Curse Of The All Stars (inaugural edition)
 Krycek, Block by Snow Scare. Human Lineman, Smashed Hand.
Herbad Ith, Block by David Fasteagle. Lizardman Skink, Fractured Skull.
Cronus, Block by Abraham Stickler. Underworld Blitzer, Broken Jaw.
Cheetah, Block by Nathaniel Dogsbody. High Elf Catcher, Dead.
Cronus, Block by Battery II. Underworld Blitzer, Fractured Arm.
"Enough stats! Line up the injured players from this week, and let's kick them all out the door!"
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tussock
Joined: May 29, 2011
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Jul 28, 2021 - 06:48 |
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The Awards Show!
With T & P.
P: We're back again, Terence. The Twahnlows still showing off the finest of SWL's talent each and every season.
T: That they do, Phillip, and Twahn himself may just be keeping an eye on the show this season!
P: No pressure, then.
T: Loving it.
P: So who's won what?
The SWL LXXXVI Team Achievements
T: There's an ongoing "work to rule" strike, in the data accumulation snotlings pool, they're complaining of lack of respect and undue being eaten by trolls. Where, I think we could all stand appreciate the wee guys being eaten by trolls much more often, in SWL.
Regional:
Turns (1149): Chaos All Sorts
Completions (12): Mexican Standoff & Furnamii
TDs (15): Banner of the Black Stag
Cas (22): Banner of the Black Stag
SPP (89): Banner of the Black Stag
Passing yards (61): Mexican Standoff
Rushing yards (241): Banner of the Black Stag
Blocks (358): Heroes before the Fall
Fouls (37): Zealots of Change
Blocks/Cas (13.00): Celebrity Chefs FC
Pass/Cp (5.08): Mexican Standoff
Kills (5, 8 spp): Heroes Before the Fall
Conferences:
Turns (1114): Play Fetch
Completions (19): Amateur Professionals
TDs (19): Play Fetch & Ouch in a Pouch
Cas (30): Crazy Beard Express
SPP (105): Play Fetch
Passing yards (84): Amateur Professionals
Rushing yards (288): Play Fetch
Blocks (332): Social Distance
Fouls (33): Social Distance
Blocks/Cas (10.08): Crazy Beard Express
Pass/Cp (4.50): Play Fetch
Kills (5, 109 spp): Eternal Widowmakers
Premier:
Turns (1079): Cult of the Firedrake
Completions (8): Federated Fowlers
TDs (11): Cold Rock, Bronzed Raiders
Cas (25): Bronzed Raiders
SPP (85): Bronzed Raiders
Passing yards (27): Federated Fowlers
Rushing yards (223): Bronzed Raiders
Blocks (386): Blood Crag Stripes
Fouls (20): Bronzed Raiders
Blocks/Cas (13.27): Bronzed Raiders
Pass/Cp (3.67): Skelligen Spoilers
Kills (3, 21spp): Concussion Protocol
P: That was shorter than usual, they're still lining up outside, what's Maester Whippy got for us, Terence?
T: You'll never guess who the best Big Guy is, or who the best little guy could be when there's almost none of them playing any more!
P: I could probably guess the big guy, he's quite vocal about his achievements, and it's not like you can outrun him if you forget to say.
T: You'd think prem would slow him down, but no. No it did not.
 The Unofficial Maester Whippy Stunty Cone
Nigella Lawson (Celebrity Chefs FC) 9 spp
 The Unofficial Maester Whippy Dean Douglas Sundae
Cah (Concussion Protocol) 29 spp
P: Nigella's recovering from her final SWL game in traction, but I'm sure she'll appreciate the unlimited cones go with the award.
T: Everyone's finally in, settle down now, it's time for the show!
The SWL Season LXXXVI Awards
T: Eleven new teams started in the regions, trying desperately to skill up their young players before hitting the main competition in the SWL Conferences.
Regional:
 Teahupoo (Furnamii) &  Merrick Grumnirson (Banner of the Black Stag) 8 TDs
 Professor Oak (Celebrity Chefs FC) 11 cas
  Aileen (Furnamii) &  Muddle (Chaos All Sorts) 112 turns
  Elder J. Ryan Phirramid, III (Blackwater Saltminers) 131 rushing yards
  Mundaka (Furnamii) 28 pass yards
  Malkus Skeletonsmasher (SWL Dorruks) 13 fouls
 Professor Oak (Celebrity Chefs FC) 76 blocks
 Mundaka (Furnamii) 10 cps
 Leigh Diffey (Expat Express) 4.8 block/cas
 Leigh Diffey (Expat Express) 7 pass/cp
 Enthusiasm (Heroes Before the Fall) 27 SPP
T: Strong team performances saw conferences taken by the senior Crazy Beard Express and younger squad Play Fetch. Few teams able to keep up with either of them, the damage output of the first, and sheer scoring ability from anywhere of the second.
P: It's the scoring counts in the end, Terence, for wins, and thus promotions.
T: Yes, but that's relatively easy once the other has no players left, Phillip.
Conferences:
 Aeneus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 12 TDs
  Macropounder (Ouch in a Pouch) 8 cas
 David Kirk (Amateur Professionals) &  Lockdown (Social Distance) &  Vaxinator (Social Distance) 112 turns
 Aeneus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 186 rushing yards
 David Kirk (Amateur Professionals) 85 pass yards
 Swabbie (Social Distance) 30 fouls
  Buck Shelford (Amateur Professionals) 75 blocks
 David Kirk (Amateur Professionals) 14 cpsSteel Wind
 Carnivore (Kingdom Decay (SWL)) 3.8 block/cas
  Time Again (Speeeeed Killzzzz) 6.25 pass/cp
 Nathanial Dogsbody (Play Fetch) 39 SPP
T: With three Lizards in prem, with Dorfs and Chorfs to cut up the wee ones, and Humans and Norse to fearlessly fight back, it was Cold Rock came out on top with strong late run.
Premier:
 Walk Fame (Blood Crag Stripes) 9 TDs
 Critter (Federated Fowlers) & Chocolate (Cold Rock) 8 cas
 Mobad Rilmiod (Cult of the Firedrake) 112 turns
 Cah (Concussion Protocol) 188 rushing yards
  Harry (Federated Fowlers) &  Torduken (Bronzed Raiders) 15 pass yards
 Rakomu (Bronzed Raiders) 18 fouls
 Chocolate (Cold Rock) 75 blocks
 Harry (Federated Fowlers) & Torduken (Bronzed Raiders) 5 cps
 Critter (Federated Fowlers) 5.75 block/cas
 Giles (Federated Fowlers) 4 pass/cp
 Cah (Concussion Protocol) 29 SPP
T: With Cah being such a powerful force in scoring and not bad in hitting either, why didn't the Ogres do better up there, Phillip?
P: Prem's a fine balance of timing, agression, and careful positioning, and Ogres are just always full of holes on both offense and defense, or something like that.
T: So were the Elf teams this season, tragic most of them.
P: Never count out a Wood Elf team, with Loec's Loggers making prem, always a spot of luck away from taking any game.
T: And a spot of unluck away from having no players left on the pitch.
P: Should have seen the Dwarfs in prem this season, Blue Mountain Giants getting smashed game after game. It can happen to anyone.
T: True enough, and it'll happen to someone next season in SWL, for sure. Congrats to Cah, first big guy we know of to take home the Duke Snakefield Medallion.
*team stats may be some time, snotling strikes are notorious for no one really caring about the wellbeing of snotlings.
**Cheers to MrC for the kill stats.
***Shraaaag's for the team stats, yay, snotling strike ended and footage edited to fill in missing stats. Back to work!
****Also, Candlejack's for the quick player firsts.
*****And SWL for being awesome. |
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Last edited by tussock on %b %02, %2021 - %05:%Aug; edited 3 times in total |
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Jul 23, 2021 - 07:34 |
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SWL Death Watch LXXXVII Week Six
In ascending order of experience, here's the results for this week:
Jacinta Barrett, blocked with great Enthusiasm. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
Evander Grottyorc, taught a thing or two by James, the Darker Arts Tutor. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
 Cameron Baily, rhymes with daily but the closest he gets to that is mourning, blocked by Refr Hi?rrson. Ogre Gnoblar, 0 SPP.
"If we could spell Refr's name properly, we'd give him a prize for bullying people much smaller than him..."
Cyclops, Block by Ernesto Guevara. Skaven Lineman, 2 SPP.
Devil, exorcised by Bruiser. Nurgle Rotter, 2 SPP.
Shawn Fitzpatrick, hit while lying on the floor with a very large book by Allan, Bible Basher. High Elf Lineman, 2 SPP.
Shipstern, turned hard to port, then put beyond the pale by Cromwell. Skaven Gutter Runner, 3 SPP.
 Akitamal Breagan, fell victim to total Mayhem. Dark Elf Lineman, 6 SPP.
 Perithel Pyre-Builder, given two heads by Hydra. Wood Elf Lineman, 7 SPP.
"You don't often see a wood elf with two heads."
"Two half heads is almost as good, right?"
Godlike, deicided by the hard-to-spell boots of Þorviðr Þrándrson. Human Blitzer, 24 SPP.
 Antiope Stell, went to the circus and never came back after she was impressed by Harlequin II. Amazon Catcher, 32 SPP.
"I've always said you can't have nice things."
"Well, you can't have +ST Amazon catchers for long, Jim..."
Curse Of The All Stars
Cheetah, a big cat that got a bite taken out of him by Nathaniel Dogsbody. High Elf Catcher, 167 SPP.
"That's the biggest hit in two seasons! Nothing's removed so many SPP since Torgan Silvermead took his dirt nap."
"The polite term is 'permanent vacation in the mines of Moria', Bob!"
Curse of the Death Watch
 Offa, Block * 1 kill. Damaged Back
 Ernesto Guevara, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Leg
Edda Thomin, Block * 2 kills. Smashed Hand
Cheetah, Block * 1 kill. Dead
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Jul 21, 2021 - 05:56 |
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SWL Death Watch LXXXVII Week Five
"Hang on, weren't we in the studio just a couple of days ago? It feels like we've never left!"
"We haven't, Bob. The pile of corpses is so large nobody's been able to get the door open."
"Oh, well then I guess we should just get on with it!"
Chen Kenichi III, back for a third time and then Offa he went. Halfling, 0 SPP.
"0 SPP? His career was as short as he was!"
Triple Choc Chip, suffered some freezer burn from Snow Scare. Lizardman Saurus, 0 SPP.
Schnooglebeef, schnoogleblocked by Mobad Namimdigr. Ogre Gnoblar, 0 SPP.
Bharzth Coalheart, going down the mine and never coming back after a block by Rolf Stonewall. Chaos Dwarf Blocker, 7 SPP.
"Always nice to see two dwarfish teams beating each other up!"
Clown couldn't turn his frown upside down after a hit by Drop Beargrills. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
George A. Romero, will be spending a lot more of his time making movies after a thumping from Greygerd Ged. Necromantic Zombie, 9 SPP.
Nacole, on the dole after a run-in with Geodude. Underworld Goblin , 0 SPP.
"Well Bob, in this show you get to see the end of the careers of a lot of experienced players. And also all the players who died this week."
"Yes, there's no Salamoneous there, is there?"
"Wait for next week - I'm sure there's a few treats coming up in week six!"
"That's less than two days away, by my watch..."
And speaking of watches, how about the [b]Curse Of The Death Watch{/b]?
Magenta, Failed dodge * 1 kill. Pinched Nerve
 Gard Hammersmite, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Knee
Arlecchino, Foul * 1 kill. Fractured Skull
Cronus, Block * 9 kills. Broken Jaw
 Tough, Block * 2 kills. Damaged Back
That's right - almost more injuries from the Curse of the Death Watch than Deaths in the Death Watch. What madness is this? Now sit back, relax, and regard the parade of pain as we try to get things ready for the next week's show...
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Jul 19, 2021 - 07:07 |
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SWL Death Watch LXXXVII Week Four
"A week late and a dollar short, as they say, Bob."
"Don't you mean weak, late, and Dolfar Longstride is short?"
"Don't confuse him with a dwarf, Bob. Anyway, let's rush through these before anyone notices how tardy we've been..."
Puerto Escondido, puckered up by Wolfgang Puck. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Nothing much to say about a rookie rat, is there...?"
Herbad Fer, doesn't like the taste of Chocolate. Lizardman Skink, 0 SPP.
"Always good to see Lizardmen beating each other up for a change."
"Do you think they think they taste like chicken?"
Waffle, wafflestomped by Mobad Namimdigr. Lizardman Chameleon Skink, 66 SPP.
"We don't often see a Chameleon Skink die, do we?"
"Yeah, it's odd that. Couldn't possibly say why."
Flower Angry, rearranged into a new display by an exploding bouquet flung by the eternal bridesmaid, Bomber Dribblesnot. Lizardman Skink, 0 SPP.
Twitbooble, squished into a foul and disgusting stain by Murder Thunder. Ogre Gnoblar, 2 SPP.
"Well we didn't see that coming."
"Twitbooble certainly didn't!"
Kevin Whitehammer, nailed by Marrakhi Daemonfire. Norse Lineman, 3 SPP.
"That negligent negligee-wearing Norseman must be feeling the burn!"
"What, from the sun?
"No, from Daemonfire!"
"Jim, you know I'm the one who does the laboured puns..."
Grant Fox, not so fantastic after a run-in with Zanni. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
 La Signora, Block by Craig Green. Elf Thrower, 18 SPP.
"They say it's not over til the fat lady sings... well, she was making some kind of awful racket when that elf with the made-up name hit her, but the show's over now..."
Salah ad-Din, now just a has-been after being sermonised by Reverend Boyle de Feathers. Underworld Thrower, 4 SPP.
Nobody ever tuned in to see Wogan with as much Enthusiasm as that. Norse Lineman, 0 SPP.
"It's come to this, Bob?"
"What?"
"We're making obscure references to cabalvision chatshows from Albion that were last broadcast three decades ago?"
"Looks like it... Although technically speaking, it's only been 29 years."
"Bob, I'm speechless."
"I wish."
 Taj Burrow, left underground by Loranda Hagborn. Elf Blitzer, 3 SPP.
"'Burrow'? Sure his first name isn't 'Warren'? How many more joke names are those elves going to try to sneak past us?"
Arturo Sanchez, suffered from too much Mayhem. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Er..."
Errol Flynn, did a lot of derring-do, now more like derring-don't after a hit from Malice Bleakheart. Elf Catcher, 0 SPP.
"As they say, 'in like Flynn'."
"'In the ground like Flynn', I think you'll find..."
"Well, as a rookie elf he certainly made a big impression."
"On the turf."
Well, that was quite a lot of deaths to be getting on with."
"Don't forget the curse, Jim!"
"There's no curse Bob!"
"Ha! Tell that to:"
Steel Wind, 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Murder Thunder, 3 kills. Gouged Eye
Kullo Ironflagon, 2 kills. Serious Concussion
 Úlfar Úlfarson, 1 kill. Broken Ribs
Leigh Diffey, 1 kill. Fractured Skull
"With the best intention, Bob, you can't possibly blame five minor head injuries on a curse. What are we, Khemri tomb raiders?"
"If you refuse to believe me, never mind. Just take a look at all the broken players from that round, and explain why people keep getting hurt, if it's not a curse!"
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Jul 05, 2021 - 06:38 |
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SWL All Stars LXXXVI
Rumours of the apocalypse have been greatly exaggerated; despite persistent predictions that the Second Coming of Nuffle would destroy Armorical Football as we know it, his reappearance seems to have been delayed, to the embarrassment of various millennial cults that had sprung up, claiming elfball was over/blocking was nerfed/giant ratmen exist. Although the possibility of a plague of frogs on pogo sticks can never be dismissed outright, it seems the Southern Wastes will have a few more matches played before the high priests change all the rules forever. In celebration of this, the All Star Committee have stopped stuffing Salamoneous' corpse with sawdust for a few days, confiscated Pinkeye Growthspurt's precious crayons, and arrested the gnome impresario who had been claiming the top Dark Elves in the league had quit to form a musical troupe called Groovy Dynasty. Guaranteeing no further delays or disruption, and after an awful lot of hairpulling and chair throwing, we proudly present to you the SWL LXXXVI All Stars, eleven of the greatest thrillers, killers, and mechanical drillers the Wastes have ever seen!
Impak responded to the demise of his old friend, and very long time team-mate, Happy Dancer, the only way he knows, by continuing his outstanding season of killing fools and scoring mad points. A massive 8 TDs and 7 Casualties, all-but destroying three teams all on his own, with only the troll-slaying Giants and all-round brutal Stripes holding him out. He's put himself up for another season, huge retain fees, who wouldn't pay out for that sort of magic?! Dsspite protestations from the pointy-eared contingent that the orc with the heart of gold (and the knuckledusters of mithril) shouldn't be captain, Impak got the vote, especially as we haven't had such a mean, green monster leading the All Stars for quite some time...
Initially a surprising choice for the line of scrimmage, Krycek is quite the smallest of the three players on the line, and although those spots are usually held for big guys with hearts of gold and fists of stone, this lineman put the boot into so many downed players this season that he had to get an All-Star scroll. 25 fouls is more than most teams make in a season, and having smashed two knees in SWL LXXXVI, Krycek led the Fowlers to the Premiership, where we expect he'll carry on stamping as long as he possibly can.
Is there anything left to be said about Manshape Gutwart? Ladyshape, Girlshape and Babyshape (not to mention Happy Dancer) all failed to outlast the most professional troll still alive in the Southern Wastes, and having been persuaded out of semi-retirement to help out with a few impromptu matches this season, he still managed to do more blocks in six games than any other player managed in seven. With only three casualties this season, some cynics suggest he's losing his touch, but unlike his colleague Uncleshape, at least he's never eaten one of his own teammates. (At least, not on the pitch.)
If there's one thing that Mobad Namimdigr hates, it's linemen; this season he killed two linemen and seriously injured four more (well, Jóreiðr Kollsveinns was just a lineman who'd learned the joys of frenzy, right?). Whether his placement on the line for the All Stars was a prank, in the hope of the crowd getting to see some of their beloved internal conflict at the presentation, or serious because of his division leading block and casualty rate, or the gleam of the Touchstone Heart proving that 90% of success is turning up more than everyone else can, nobody in their right mind is going to argue with the Tlaxltan Terror. Could we be looking a eleven lizards in the All Stars next season?
From a bath of blood to an actual blood bath when the initial team roster was published, Kindra Voidrunner has been a firm fan favourite throughout her career with the 'Dynasty. Things turned nasty when the committee suggested that Cheetah would be captain ("he's already had it!") or Impak ("he's a has-been") but the malefic maiden was mollified when the frightened officials pointed out the Duke Snakefield trophy is far more impressive. And what an impression Voidrunner made this season, with ten casualties from 67 blocks, on top of the stack of SPP she harvested while not tearing the hearts from players' chests.
With the Dynasty vanishing faster than Nikk Three-horn with the Darkside Cowboys cheerleading squad, there'll always be a question about whether these elves would have done a double in the Premier, but there's no mystery about how successful Voidrunner would have been if she'd continued.*
* Rumours that she's decided to leave retirement in order to coach a sevens team of halflings in the Naggarond Very Little League are as yet unsubstantiated
Avoiding the All Stars Curse, Cheetah continued to amaze and frustrate opponents in equal measure. People claim an AG5 elf is only good for prancing around, but the pointy eared cool cat was spotted putting the hurt on just as many players as he scored touchdowns. An ugly tussle with his fellow elf (as reported elsewhere) almost had him denied the captaincy, but a few polite words from Socrates, grand old man of the committee, kept everyone straight. Muttering continues that the era of elfball is at an end, but we expect great things are still to come as Cheetah gives everyone else paws for thought.
Herbad Ith and Aeneas both qualified for the All Stars by scoring 9 touchdowns apiece. They're very different creatures; one is a repulsive, weedy little thing with cold blood and scales ... and the other is a lizard. While Aeneas' natural pace allowed him to zoom to a league-leading 163 yards rushing, the stunty with the golden hands was only 9 yards behind him. With Ith's pace even better than that of Aeneas, some pundits have suggested there's funny goings-on in the Cult of the Firedrake, but surely that's just religious prejudice against lizardmen. If neither of these attractively squishy players get stamped to death in the next season, we'd expect at least one of them to attain Legendary status before the season is up.
Dwarfs are like buses, the old proverb goes; dirty, smelly, and you wait ages and then two come along at once. Hilbor Bronzecarver put the lie to that last bit by waiting until Torgan Silvermead was dead before starting to show there was more than one long legged dwarf who was capable of executing the Giants' running game. As already pointed out, you don't get to the All Stars for scoring touchdowns unless you can do nine of them, and that's precisely what Bronzecarver carved out of the Conferences this season. Another headlong charge by the Dwarfs to the top of the League next season? We wouldn't rule it out with this surprisingly long-legged shortarse in the mix...
As we've complained, it's just typical that, given the ball, an elf's first instinct is to throw it away, usually to another pointy-eared fop. Maybe the long-heralded rule changes from the NAF, intended to make lineelfs behave more like orcs for a change, will put a stop to this nonsense. But it'll be too late to prevent the lamentably named David Kirk from throwing the ball more than 120 yards this season, averaging more than 2 completions per game. Jim and Bob continue to make noises about these elves and their eccentric names, but their complaints are nothing in the face of that ball throwing skill.
Finally, as we draw to the end of the presentation, you might be wondering about that persistent tick-tick-ticking noise? That's the metronomically murderous sound of Cronus slaughtering his way to a second consecutive All Star scroll. 12 casualties in the typically robust setting of the Premiership demonstrate once more why this little rat is to be feared. A near-constant contributor to the death watch in LXXVI, Cronus killed a hobgoblin, pinched an elf's nerves, seriously concussed a gutter runner and, er, strained the groin of a big lizard Still not quite filling the enormous, and disgusting, boots of the dearly departed Salamoneous, but it won't be much longer before there's a new candidate for the Greatest Mutant Rat of the Warpstones.... (spoiler alert, it's probably never going to be a Rat Ogre....)
Who's going to be an All Star this season? Does your team have what it takes? Bring your meek, bring your weak, bring your players with jaws of teak, and see who can challenge to be the superest of all superstars!
(And in the meantime, check out the constellations illuminating the wastes right now...)
LXXVI All Stars
Mabad Namimdigr, Cult of the Firedrake
Krycek, Federated Fowlers
Manshape Gutwart, Singed Poor Scoundrels
Cronus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Kindra Voidrunner, Druchii Dynasty
David Kirk, Amateur Professionals
Hilbor Bronzecarver, Blue Mountain Giants
Herbad Ith, Cult of the Firedrake
Aeneas, Styx αnd Warpstones
Cheetah, Speeeeed Killzzzz
Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins
LXXXVI Prem Stars
Kindra Voidrunner, Druchii Dynasty
Aeneas, Styx αnd Warpstones
Herbad Ith, Cult of the Firedrake
Ender Espisay,
Cronus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Mabad Namimdigr, Cult of the Firedrake
Bruiser, Crazy Beard Express
Elon Laissez-Faire, Druchii Dynasty
Blin, Crazy Beard Express
Úlfar Úlfarson, Skelligen Spoilers
Cheetah, Speeeeed Killzzzz
LXXXVI Conference Stars
Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins
Hilbor Bronzecarver, Blue Mountain Giants
Walk Fame, Blood Crag Stripes
Torduken, Bronzed Raiders
Murder Thunder, Blood Crag Stripes
Critter, Federated Fowlers
Lumuma, Cold Rock
David Kirk, Amateur Professionals
Krycek, Federated Fowlers
Tuck Longbarrel, Blue Mountain Giants
Khograhk Bronzeheart, Bronzed Raiders
LXXXVI Rising Stars
Banba Tricus, Eternal Widowmakers
Bruialground Berewick, Play Fetch
Fraulein Wird Nicht Aufhören zu Hüpfen, Singed Poor Scoundrels
Diamond Handz, Tuff Gitz
Edda Thomin, Eternal Widowmakers
Eurclea Fearlock, Eternal Widowmakers
Manshape Gutwort, Singed Poor Scoundrels
Femme Fatale, Kingdom Decay (SWL)
Pinkeye Growthspurt, Singed Poor Scoundrels
One Point Five, Social Distance
Lucky for Some, Bingo at the Bowlo
The SWL All Stars committee is a team effort dedicated to fluffmanship and the use of obscure statistics. This season's fluff was brought to you by a deranged Norseman from the Job Centre in Blackwater, a non existent giant rat, an elf and three goblins inside an overcoat. With the Norseman returning to studying some kind of eldritch arts, there's room for new blood (or vampires) on the committee - all applicants welcome! |
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Jul 02, 2021 - 08:38 |
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SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVII Week Three
With the All Star Committee still recovering from some dodgy squig beer, they'll probably be announcing the LXXXVI All Stars at the end of this season, not the start. While we try to whip them into shape, here's all the deaths from this week:
Mel Gibson, turned a very strange shade of pink by Magenta. Elf Catcher, 14 SPP.
"He had a brave heart, that one. We are still mad Max Spleenripper didn't get to show him what women want, but the signs were always that a lethal weapon of some sort was going to depitch this elf with a joke name."
"Bob, are you feeling alright?"
Aesali Niktohal, punched out by Rocky Balboa. Dark Elf Lineman, 1 SPP.
"It's good to see the Hellebores keeping up their pre-season form."
"By dying a lot?"
"Insensitive, Jim! I was trying to be encouraging."
La Graviere III, nothing more than gravy after an encounter with the unpronounceable by Kálfr Styrbiǫrnson. Skaven Blitzer, 0 SPP.
"It's getting to be a habit with this one. 'Rumours of my demise were greatly exaggerated and all that.'"
Strawberries, turned to jam by Takharth Stoneheart. Lizardman Skink, 0 SPP.
"I didn't think you could make jam out of a lizard, Bob. Wouldn't that just taste disgusting?"
"Doesn't matter when he's spread so well across most of the pitch."
Horatio, met his Waterloo in the horrifying shape of Cah. Human Lineman, 0 SPP.
Kili Fireforge, had his beard removed by Moon Mustache. Dwarf Blocker, 18 SPP.
"Those fearsome Stripes strike again!"
"I'd give some more credit to the Curse of the Death Watch if I were you, Jim..."
Wallopy by name, walloped by nature (with a little bit of help from Edda Thomin). Skaven Lineman, 2 SPP.
Dan, Chief Historian, probably feeling like he was run over by all three Billy Goats Gruff. Norse Lineman, 0 SPP.
Well, a disappointing eight deaths, a slight improvement on last week, but still... nobody is paying attention to the constant demands for more blood. Let's take a look at how the Curse of the Death Watch is doing... and before anyone says there's no Curse of the Death Watch, it's hit 14 different players already this season, so they all believe in it!
Gard Hammersmite, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Skull
Kili Fireforge, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Aðalsteinn Elfráðrson, Failed dodge * 1 kill. Fractured Arm
Greygerd Ged, Hit by a rock * 1 kill. Groin Strain
James, the Darker Arts Tutor, Block * 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Carnivore, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Hip
Right, well, get that queue of malingering players out of the studio tout suite, we've got some pit traps to build to get the fatality rate up a bit next week... Till then, stay lucky!
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Jun 24, 2021 - 07:02 |
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SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVII Week Two
Due to the statistickal team losing all their favourite crayons, and Pinkeye eating everyone else's favourite glue, there have been terrible delays in announcements in the league this week. With the All Star Committee still tied to chairs in a smoke-filled backroom of an undisclosed pub, Bob and Jim have been pulling double time trying to get the Death Watch together. Lucky for them, it's been a sparse week"
Apparently the Bretonnian term for 'grave' is La Graviere II, and appropriately this plucky rat just died for a second time, at the shiny Star Player boot of Rotten' Rick Bupkeis. He had so much promise, so much unfulfilled potential,... such a total lack of achievement up to his death. Skaven Blitzer, 0 SPP.
Diego Jiminez, had his goose cooked by Wolfgang Puck. High Elf Lineman, 8 SPP.
"Now we thought it was bad enough with the Am-Dram Processionals and their stupid names, but now there's a new team trying to sneak joke names past us by pretending they're famous Estalians."
"There should be a law against it. Still they might not actually be Estalians, Bob. Aren't the Mexican Standoof from the Lustrian leagues?"
William Whiterock, nothing more than a geology project after being buried by Leigh Diffey. Underworld Goblin, 0 SPP.
Menodice rolled the dice, and had a very Tough result, getting his face bashed in. Underworld Goblin, 0 SPP.
From Moose Tracks to skid marks after a good hit by Cah. Lizardman Saurus, 21 SPP.
"One more for the just say 'ah!' when you see Cah Department..."
"That is actually a thing?"
 Bloody Mary, stopped off during the match for a few too many drinks with the fans, never came back. Necromantic Ghoul, 15 SPP.
Tristan Palestream, permanently dammed by Carnivore. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"So, that was a lucky seven for the rest of the players that were unscathed today."
"Not exactly...take a look at these battered lumps:"
   
And in case you forgot, the Curse of the Death Watch is still in full force:
Loathing, Block. 2 kills. Smashed Hand
Diana Wynne Jones, Surfed. 2 kills. Fractured Arm
Ahem, by 'full force' we meant two mild injuries. Try harder next week, everyone! |
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Jun 15, 2021 - 07:54 |
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SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVII Week One
"We're back, baby!"
"Who are you calling a baby, Jim?"
"Well, somebody was screaming and incapable of keeping their trousers clean..."
"Can you smell what's cooking? These two can't smell anything!"
"They certainly smell like something though, Jim!"
Chen Kenichi, didn't last long after encountering Tenacity. Halfling, 0 SPP.
Bobby Flay, flay by name, flayed by Enthusiasm. Halfling, 8 SPP.
Guiseppe Garibaldi, snapped like a stale biscuit when he went surfing. Underworld Gutter Runner, 17 SPP.
"Kerpow! That's the first dead Underworld Gutter Runner we've ever had on the show!"
"Hopefully not the last, eh Bob?"
Goobleair, beaten down by Gard Hammersmite. Ogre Gnoblar, 0 SPP.
"Hammersmite? Hammerspiteful more like, beating up on those innocent little snotlings!"
"Bob! Don't be so insensitive! That's not a snotling, it's a gnoblar!"
"No, Jim. That's not much more than a stain on the turf..."
No Mercy For Young Elves With Silly Names Section
Michael Jones, booted into the hereafter by Rotten' Rick Bupkeis. High Elf Blitzer, 0 SPP.
"A big bad boot from the Bup' made the ... the ... er ... what's a word for elf that starts with a B, Jim?"
"Broken?"
D N A, twisted into a double helix by Arlecchino. Nurgle Pestigor, 0 SPP.
Devil, now with the angels after violating Lockdown. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
Chevelle 4th, up on bricks again and feeling some self-Loathing. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"With that sort of performance, he should quit playing Blood Bowl."
"Well, maybe he'll do better on the next team he plays for..."
Alan Is Morris Yet Award For Services To Irony
"And it looks like the fabled Naggarond chanteuse is appearing on the show tonight, to present two prizes to the players with possibly the most appropriate names this week."
"But why is she called Alan?"
"Hush, Bob. We don't do anything to make the witch elves angry."
"That's not a witch elf, Jim. That's a --"
"Ssh! She'll hear us. And she's more vicious than ten thousand spoons, when all you need is a knife!"
Unluckiest, certainly not having any good fortune after running into Euryclea Fearlock. Chaos Dwarf Hobgoblin , 2 SPP.
For Whom the Bell Tolls? it tolled for thee, having your bell rung by Brooks Mudman. Human Thrower, 40 SPP.
Curse Of The Death Watch
Tenacity, Failed dodge * 1 kill. Smashed Knee. (Special award for Tenacity there, hurting himself in the same match he killed somebody. Nuffle rooting for the little guy there...)
Bharkhak Stonefist, Foul * 2 kills. Smashed Ankle
Þorgautr Ãnison, Foul * 1 kill. Fractured Leg
Lemon Meringue Pie, Block * 3 kills. Fractured Skull
Scott, the Radioactive Man, Block * 1 kill. Broken Ribs
While Bob and Jim keep hiding from that enraged Dark Elf light entertainer, let's try to distract everyone with this mound of maimed bodies...
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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May 26, 2021 - 07:14 |
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The SWL LXXXVII Regional Round Up
With a bumper haul of new teams entering the fray this season, as some of those flibbertigibbet dilletante coaches who couldn't face playing two hundred games with the same team/stalwart long time SWL coaches who fancied a change are redrafting, or bringing back some classic names, while a mob of brand new teams are also programming the speed dial for the mortuary, it promises to be another exciting seven rounds in the Regionals, the place "where all true Blood Bowl is played" (according to Mr P. Growthspurt). So without further ado, let's look at the possible winners of the Premiership in SWL LXXXIX...
Zealots of Change
With the Druchii 'Dynasty' preferring to quit at the top of their game, their Norse coach decided it was time to go for the slightly slighter choice of Underworld. As long as there's no tackle to worry about, those goblins should be surprisingly durable.
Blackwater Saltminers
With 2 wins in 2 trials, the Saltminers have escaped serious injury so far, and bring a full squad of those bearded wonders to the league. With as much Block as a sauna full of Vikings in chainmail bikinis, this team is going to hit hard from the start, and probably not stop...
Blocky Horror Chaos Show
Possibly the only Chaos team in the league this season, the Show had a poor start to things with a 3-1 drubbing by a team of out-of-work warpstone addicts, but these mutant horrors will mature by the end of this season into a hard hitting horror show. As long as they don't die early on, we pity whoever plays them in round 7...
Mexican Standoff
After a short interlude, the Mexicans return with a team that's made up almost entirely of linemen. Never mind that, they clearly believe they can ride on the continuing affections of their fans for a few matches, and with two recent wins and the regular annoying elf skills like Wrestle and Kick already on the roster, they're probably prepared for a pretty powerful comeback.
Expat Express
As if two seasons of playing lightly armoured stunties wasn't enough, the goblins are replaced this season by a bunch of pointy eared fops with silly names. Will we see 'Mel Gibson' topping the SPP charts in seven more games, or Stu Wilsoned off the pitch in no time?
Chaos All Sorts
Eight touchdowns and nine casualties in their first two games back suggest the Chaos All Sorts might be quite a treat to watch in their comeback season. We have Bedlam picked out as a Maister Whippee contender, as one of the few Big Guys who can block down in the Regionals.
Banner of the Black Stag
After a lot of remarks early on about Norsemen, it's strange that it's taken this long to find a team of them competing in the division this time. Fans are already calling this team a disgrace due to the lack of Frenzy - whether Earp took the second-worst skill in the game on his skill up just as a Norse rope-a-dope so he can pick Frenzy next, or if the team have some other plans, we can only guess. But the Banner will either be raised high again or dragged through the dirt in seven games' time...
Har Ganeth Hellebores
If there was an award for the hardest start, the Hellebores would probably have already clinched it, with the two bloodiest Trials of Blood so far this season. With a dead elf and two more retired in their first match, and another corpse in their second game, these fops are probably aiming to coax a lot of petty cash from the Bank of Naggarond to pay for some sweet, sweet inducements early on.
Heroes before the Fall
A strong showing in their trials sets up this undead team for success, although the inaccurately named Resilience retired before they'd even made it to the league proper. Another team making the unsporting choice of Guard on a Mummy, when everyone knows you take Thick Skull first, right?
SWL Dorruks
Well, we thought the Chaos All Stars were committed to violence, but with 14 casualties in the Dorruks' inaugural two games, the green skinned guys with a twinkle in their eyes (Pinkeye, have you been drinking paint again?) may be cruising past them for some tasty Death Watch trophies. We're going to place a bet right now that Duluk 'Deluxe' Zombieeagle is going to show up in the Regionals Rising Stars in a couple of months, although being the first guy in the division with Mighty Blow and Tackle might also be akin to coach npe painting a target on his back...
Furnamii
Causing almost as much carnage as the Hellebores in their first trial match, the crowds are keen to see if the traditionally fragile Skaven live up to their reputation. Check back here before Sunday...
We're not making any predictions yet about who's going to be leading the charge into the Conferences. Don't forget the wildcards of the teams waiting/languishing for them in the Regionals already, and the never-ending threat that the Scoundrels will reappear to fill somebody in before the end of the season. |
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tussock
Joined: May 29, 2011
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 Posted:
May 22, 2021 - 07:44 |
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The Awards Show!
With T & P.
P: Terence, old man, what on earth are we doing presenting the Twahnlow awards?
T: This job actually pays, Phillip, unlike barracking for Goblins and High Elves, who never win anything anyway.
P: Other than a spot in the Hall of Fame and a Premier title, you mean.
T: What? How long have we been gone?
P: Too long, Terence, too long.
The SWL LXXXVI Team Achievements
T: These are a recognition of those squads doing the hard yards, or rather, the easy yards to accumulate so many more of them. A who's who of teams dominating their respective divisions, in their particular fields of expertise.
Regional:
Turns (1175): Tuff Gitz
Completions (14): Kingdom Decay (SWL)
TDs (17): Eternal Widowmakers
Cas (24): Eternal Widowmakers
SPP (109): Eternal Widowmakers
Passing yards (44): Kingdom Decay (SWL)
Rushing yards (278): Eternal Widowmakers
Blocks (387): Tuff Gitz
Fouls (37): Singed Poor Scoundrels
Blocks/Cas (11.42): Eternal Widowmakers
Pass/Cp (pi): Kingdom Decay (SWL)
Kills (3, 18spp): Eternal Widowmakers
Conferences:
Turns (1147): Blue Mountain Giants
Completions (20): Amateur Professionals
TDs (14): Blood Crag Stripes, Bronzed Raiders, Federated Fowlers
Cas (30): Bronzed Raiders
SPP (110): Bronzed Raiders
Passing yards (117): Amateur Professionals
Rushing yards (235): Blue Mountain Giants
Blocks (394): Cold Rock
Fouls (46): Federated Fowlers
Blocks/Cas (10.07): Federated Fowlers
Pass/Cp (6.75): Blue Mountain Giants
Kills (9, 210spp): Blood Crag Stripes
Premier:
Turns (1068): Skelligen Spoilers
Completions (14): Druchii Dynasty
TDs (13): Cult of the Firedrake
Cas (23): Cult of the Firedrake
SPP (88): Druchii Dynasty
Passing yards (72): Druchii Dynasty
Rushing yards (244): Cult of the Firedrake
Blocks (303): Cult of the Firedrake
Fouls (38): Crazy Beard Express
Blocks/Cas (9.47): Styx αnd Warpstones
Pass/Cp (5.14): Druchii Dynasty
Kills (6, 25spp): Crazy Beard Express
P: That really just gives everyone time to file in for the main show, and as an appetiser, what have we got from Maester Whippy, Terence?
T: A celebration of the triers, the try hards, the guts of the league, the little teams with the big guys in support. Mostly celebrating Goblins, and the odd Minotaur out of respect.
P: And fear.
T: Yes, fear is a big bit of giving awards to minotaurs, honestly, look at the size of them.
The Unofficial Maester Whippy Stunty Cone
 Fraulein Wird Nicht Aufhören zu Hüpfen (Singed Poor Scoundrels) 12 spp
The Unofficial Maester Whippy Dean Douglas Sundae
Cah (Concussion Protocol) 23 spp
P: Not as big as Cah, apparently, nor as light on their feet.
T: Now for the main show!
The SWL Season LXXXVI Awards
T: The regional play saw half a dozen new squads and a few old favourites spar for the lesser glories. A ringer team of Orcs coached by Snotling regular Semitence took the division title on a complicated countback from the bullying new Amazons of Kransky, the Eternal Widowmakers.
Regional:
 Banba Tricus (Eternal Widowmakers) 6 TDs
Edda Thomin (Eternal Widowmakers) 9 cas
Quarantine Enforcer (Social Distance) & One Point Five (Social Distance) & Godlike (Kingdom Decay (SWL))113 turns
Burialground Berewick (Play Fetch) 102 rushing yards
Femme Fatale (Kingdom Decay (SWL)) 29 pass yards
 Pinkeye Growthspurt (Singed Poor Scoundrels) 17 fouls
Manshape Gutwart (Singed Poor Scoundrels) 63 blocks
Femme Fatale (Kingdom Decay (SWL)) 10 cps
Edda Thomin (Eternal Widowmakers) 5.89 block/cas
 Dimond Handz (Tuff Gitz) 5 pass/cp
Banba Tricus (Eternal Widowmakers) 25 SPP
T: Our two conferences were won by the Bronzed Raiders and the Federated Fowlers, respectively. Both off the back of a shockingly large stack of fouls. Might be a hint there for other coaches.
P: Fouling is not to be promoted, Terence, it doesn't do High Elf teams any good at all.
T: It works pretty well against them, though, Phillip.
Conferences:
Hilbor Bronzecarver (Blue Mountain Giants) 9 TDs
Murder Thunder (Blood Crag Stripes) 9 cas
 Thad'hak (Bronzed Raiders) & Kullo Ironflagon (Blue Mountain Giants) & Tuck Longbarrel (Blue Mountain Giants)113 turns
Hilbor Bronzecarver (Blue Mountain Giants) 214 rushing yards
David Kirk (Amateur Professionals) 121 pass yards
Krycek (Federated Fowlers) 25 fouls
Lucuma (Cold Rock) 73 blocks
David Kirk (Amateur Professionals) 16 cps
 Khograkh Bronzeheart (Bronzed Raiders) 5 block/cas
David Kirk (Amateur Professionals) 7.57 pass/cp
Impak (Waaaaghton Redskins) 38 SPP
T: The premier title was won by the Druchii Dynasty, whose dynastic ambitions are to bog off and enjoy their winnings and other ill-gotten gains without further risking their necks.
Premier:
Aeneas (Styx αnd Warpstones) & Herbad Ith (Cult of the Firedrake) 9 TDs
Cronus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 12 cas
Mobad Namimdigr (Cult of the Firedrake) 113 turns
Aeneas (Styx αnd Warpstones) 163 rushing yards
 Elon Laissez-faire (Druchii Dynasty) 45 pass yards
Blin (Crazy Beard Express) 24 fouls
Cronus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 93 blocks
Elon Laissez-faire (Druchii Dynasty) 8 cps
Þorgautr Ãnison (Skelligen Spoilers) 5.13 block/cas
Elon Laissez-faire (Druchii Dynasty) 5.63 pass/cp
Kindra Voidrunner (Druchii Dynasty) 29 SPP
T: Look at those underworld skaven, massive achievement off some tough games, but it's Kindra supported by Elon has smashed them all in overall success, taking her team all the way to the top.
P: How did the High Elves in prem go, the Speeeeedy ones?
T: They, like half of premier, have retired. Speeeeed Killzzzz, Blackwater Cockfighters, Lab Rat Elysium, and the Druchii Dynasty. All four coaches have signed up with new teams though, so we'll see more of them in the SWL in seasons to come.
P: That Chaos All Sorts isn't new, I remember them from a long time ago.
T: Not just them, the Mexican Standoff are back, as are Banner of the Black Stag. It's a whole new team, but their fans bought the ruse and will turn up in huge numbers for some of the biggest regional crowds we've seen in a long time.
P: Well worth a watch, or perhaps, a Death Watch?
T: Thank you Phillip. Good night all, please avoid antagonising the aggrevied who missed out tonight, some of them are very, very dangerous folk.
*updated team kill totals, Thanks to Shraaaag, ramchop, and MrCushtie for stat functions and spreatsheets and loving the game.
** Also, apologies to Murder Thunder, what a Krox! |
Last edited by tussock on %b %26, %2021 - %10:%May; edited 1 time in total |
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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May 21, 2021 - 06:16 |
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SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVI Week 7
And so we come to the end of another season of mayhem, and yet again, there's been a huge delivery of bruised meat dumped outside the studio tonight:
Lord Borak The Despoiler, spoiled for sure by Moog Mustache. Chaos Beastman, 21 SPP.
"He wiped more than the facial hair off him, didn't he?
 Pongy Baconbreath, freshened up by a block from Murder Thunder. Chaos Minotaur, 74 SPP.
"A lot of tears in the Facts' dugout tonight?"
"I don't know, Jim; on paper Pongy was possibly the best minotaur we've seen for years, but with a disappointing total of 4 casualties this season, perhaps it's no wonder the apothecary didn't think he was worth saving."
"Well, if you're going to save the doctor after four other fatalities, he's probably already gone to the golf course..."
Melanie-cholia II, not cheered up by David Kessler. Undead Ghoul, 15 SPP.
"That was one muscular ghoul."
"Was being the operative word..."
Brattleboro ""Guzzla"" Schrinton, had a spell cast on him by James, the Darker Arts Tutor. Skaven Blitzer, 85 SPP.
"One of the bigger hitters of the Lab, but couldn't cope with the tide of angry Norsemen in budgie smugglers."
"It's the way I'd like to go, Bob."
I thought I heard a Knock at the Door, but there's nobody there - some kind of prank by Greygerd Ged? Dark Elf Blitzer, 8 SPP.
(), made a terrible mess of Lemon Meringue Pie. Chaos Dwarf Blocker, 0 SPP.
"() has taken a real beating this season, hasn't he?"
Cuddlybunch, constricted by Yuda Snake. Ogre Gnoblar, 3 SPP.
"Cuddled just a bit too much, eh?"
"I'm sure the ogres will miss that experienced gnoblar when they're up in the Prem next season..."
Hercules, turned out not to be so strong after a hit by Impak. Human Thrower, 25 SPP.
Julius Strongorc, weakened by Critter. Orc Lineman, 5 SPP.
Eurynomos, given the right kind of medicine by Nurse Betty. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.
And with that set of dead players, there's the Curse of the Death Watch and a mound of injuries to check out, and then we're all ready for this season's special Death Watch Awards! Stay tuned!
Pongy Baconbreath, Block 2 kills. Dead
Mobad Firnakr, Block 1 kill. Groin Strain
The You Can Dish It Out But Can You Take It Butter Dish goes to the Blood Crag Stripes with 9 kills in 7 games, removing a whopping 210 SPP forever. Conversely the You Can Take It But Can You Dish It Out Butter Dish is awarded to the Real Fake Alternative Facts, with more dead players than any other team this season. The Massively Patronising "It's Called Blood Bowl For A Reason!" Bowl was apparently smashed last season by an irate coach, but it's being reassembled as soon as we can figure out who deserves it most. Every single team provided or suffered at least one serious injury this season, so we've no idea what to do with it.
The Glass Cannon Glass Cannon, the most confusing award we have, goes to the team that had the most injuries sustained while hurting more other teams than anyone else did, which this season was ... the Waaaaghton Redskins, hurting or killing 17 players but taking 10 at-least-serious injuries in return. That Impak is still leaving some dents...
The Omelette goes to the Federated Fowlers and Blue Mountain Giants for a respectable seven-person visit to the hospital/mortuary.
The What Took You So Long Digital Watch goes to the Amateur Professionals for not losing a player to death until the sixth week of the season (contested by the Singed Poor Scoundrels, who were disqualified after not playing in the first round of the season).
And finally, the big two prizes:
The Gastrotheca Riobambae III Commemorative Squashed Freddo goes to Euronymous! Big hand for the rotter who couldn't be stopped by a broken neck, a pinched nerve, or a fractured leg this season - oh, but being killed in the last game of the season means he can't come to collect his trophy. Doh!
The Chamberpot of Terrifying Doom is awarded to Impak, who narrowly pipped Lemon Meringue Pie into second place with 3 kills this season. The big orc gets it for removing more high value targets than his scaly competitor. |
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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May 10, 2021 - 06:54 |
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SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVI Week 5 & 6
"Did you miss us? After all the statistical goblins stayed up late to watch the Scoundrels match last week, they were too tired to help with the report, so we've beaten them into shape and demanded double duties to cover this week. Relax, grab some popcorn and check out the 23 highlights of the last two week' games!"
Osmond Stronglightning, probably forever wondering what that awful smell is after a blow by Fischoeder. Chaos Beastman, 0 SPP.
Aaron Fasthammer, nailed by Mighty Zug. Chaos Beastman, 0 SPP.
Fredrick Paleeagle, turning an even whiter shade of Paleagle by Mighty Zug. Chaos Beastman, 0 SPP.
"Is it just dead Beastmen all the time this week?"
"That's what the Facts' coach was asking, after the cuddly killers of the Conferences slumped to a 93-turn defeat..."
Regular programming returns
Kalman Styrbi?rnson, had all the letters in his name rearranged by Gruff. Norse Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Gruff, you say?"
"Still easier to pronounce than Kalman Styrbi?rnson!"
"Who I pronounce ... dead!"
Grunt, made exactly that noise while being stamped on by Aðalsteinn Elfráðrson. Chaos Dwarf Blocker, 7 SPP.
"If I had a penny for every dead chorf with Guard.."
"... you'd have one penny this week."
"Which, coincidentally, is exactly how much we got from our sponsors!"
Weakling, should really have muscled up but instead got hit by Refr Hi?rrson. Chaos Dwarf Hobgoblin , 6 SPP.
Looks like he took a Herbad Turn for the worse following a block by Scott, the Radioactive Man. Lizardman Skink, 24 SPP.
Boa Sandersonia, picked off by Suzie Scabs. Amazon Blitzer, 0 SPP.
"Hmm, the name sounds familiar..."
"Yes, I thought we saw Sandersonia last week."
"Probably just stuck in the amazon revolving door of death..."
Geirólfr Vilgeirrson, smackura'd by Bacura. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.
Skulldoodle, fouled by Brynlee Darkspur. Ogre Gnoblar, 0 SPP.
"Ironically, a skulldoodle is exactly the kind of decoration Brynlee was trying to make on the pitch there..."
Evander, sent to the holy field by Murder Thunder. Orc Lineman, 0 SPP.
Merc Lineman 1 (), Block by Dork Destiny. Orc Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Oh, poor, dear sweet Merc Lineman 1... We're all going to miss him."
 Avo Smash Toastyflake, well and truly spread by Harold Whitesnake. Goblin Looney, 0 SPP.
"Disgraceful behaviour by Whitesnake there, and what made it worse was when Pinkeye stuck up for him by fouling Whitesnake off the pitch, he got banned for nothing worse than a badly hurt..."
Biff, bashed by Mobad Duindudr. Chaos Dwarf Blocker, 19 SPP.
Sturm Battlehand, saw all of his Tooth Roll across the pitch. *Dwarf Blitzer, 60 SPP.
"Shouldn't that be 'teeth', Jim?"
"Well the rumours spread by Growthspurt are that none of the dwarfs can fit a toothbrush through their enormous beards."
"He's got bigger concerns than dental hygiene now..."
Moofielunk, had a delicious taste of Lemon Meringue Pie. Ogre Gnoblar, 0 SPP.
Cornelia Polson, Block by Diana Wynne Jones. Amazon Linewoman, 0 SPP.
"Polson, you say? Poison, more like!"
"Don't start crowing yet, there's another 17 players on that team with at least one +ST that we have to 'prune' before they do more damage..."
Joe Stanley, tried to take the bull by the horns, got Pongy Baconbreath instead. High Elf Blitzer, 2 SPP.
"The crowd was bemused to see Tussock not use his apo on a one-legged blitzer."
"A one-legged blitzer with a stupid name, I must remind you."
"Exactly. Why can't he call them something sensible like 'Jimmy Elfingelfelfss?on like the Norse teams do?"
Heiðr Valþiólfrs, stomped by Merc Lineman 1. Norse Ulfwerener, 10 SPP.
"I think we are all happy to see Merc Lineman 1 making such a swift recovery, even if it was to put somebody else to death."
"Ah yes, the man with no name, killing the man with the unpronounceable name."
"You can say that, but it's easier to say than Kalman Styrbi?rnson..."
Leroy Deepspike, bashed by Big Bad Big Balled Bandersnatch. Human Lineman, 0 SPP.
"In a bad season for the Scoundrels it's good to see a bit of blood on Big Bad Big Balled Bandersnatch's big ball, isn't it?"
 Jordan Cariki, Block by Billy Butcherson. Snotling, 0 SPP.
"After what's been a tough season for the Necronominomnomnoms, it's heartening to see them ... beating up the little guy?"
"Jim, there's nothing the fans like to see more than Blood Bowl professionals ... killing fans."
Marguerite, stonefisted by Bharkhak Stonefist. Amazon Blitzer, 15 SPP.
"Oo-er!"
Khograkh Bronzeheart, given a bit of a shiner by Sweat Pea. Chaos Dwarf Blocker, 73 SPP.
"I always said you should expect injuries when those little ladies play the short guys with the big hats..."
Flavio, no longer flavior of the month after he fell on Tough times with a block from the big guy. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
Zachary Silentsnake, killed by the silent slayer of silent snakes and pretty much everyone else, the dreaded Shoelaces, scourge of the unwary GFIer. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
CURSE OF THE DEATH WATCH
The Evil Doctor, Failed GFI * 4 kills. Smashed Hip
Balanzone, Block * 3 kills. Fractured Arm
David Kessler, Failed dodge * 2 kills. Smashed Knee
Avo Smash Toastyflake, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Biff, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Sturm Battlehand, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Kirin Trollreaver, Block * 3 kills. Smashed Ankle
Euryclea Fearlock, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Knee
Stuart, the End Level Guy, Block * 1 kill. Serious Concussion
Khograkh Bronzeheart, Block * 1 kill. Dead
And as we wait for the final two matches of the round to be added to the register, feast your eyes on everyone who's been hurt in the last two weeks:
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