tussock
Joined: May 29, 2011
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  Posted:
Apr 01, 2022 - 10:27 |
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The Season 90 All Stars.
With the league in it's 2nd season of it's newest recovery plan, officials have announced an all star team has been named. Congratulations to the chosen few.
Cthonian They say it's easy in the regions, but the beast's dominance on the line set up their team for a run of excellence rarely seen from young Nurgs. One to watch out for in the conferences after the Miskatonic Misadventures creamed their opponents game after game.
Mogak Trollfist The quiet achiever of the premier winning Dirrty Duzzin, played every turn of their victorious season, tanking the hits again and again, and celebrated by retiring early. Prem ring and done, why not, rightful champion.
Shadowleaf Another excellent lineman for the allstars, crushing his little team-mate's opponents with ease and getting the speed to chase them when they think better of it too. Absolutely no one wants to be on the line against this big boy.
Baugar Not that this berserker cared about the treeman, spending all game hunting said little ones and scoring a fistful of casualties in one game for his efforts. Not a bad season outside that game and all.
The Ticker was a steady accumulator all premier, one after another, like some sort of regular time piece function. Turned it up to 11 so everyone could hear. Tick, tick, tick, time's up the conference teams next.
Buck Shelford How do elves even win hitting awards, they say. What is going on here? Dedication to the practice, is what it is. Pure, mean-spirited, vengeance for what the other team is always doing to the elves. Get them before they get you.
Flee-Sulk bagged a stack of touchdowns in premier division, coming within a whisker of the title in the coach's first appearance. They were in it to the end, and so, so close, just not to be after a magical season of keeping the ball away from the best sackers in the SWL.
Thanatos was farming like he needed the fans to pull the claws out of his wrists with the constant chants of his name. Who knows, maybe he was, there's definitely claws there now headed to prem, but he's in here for running up the scores in confs more than his hitting.
The Grandfather travelled further with the ball than anyone else in the SWL all season, and what better in the all star team than someone who can reliably chase down the fastest ball carriers, and then be so hard to get it back off of when he claims it. Look out confs.
Emilio Ferrano The dominant throwing arm in the SWL by streets. Massively better throwing than anyone else got close to, and well, it may not have got them the wins, but the all stars is about the stand outs as much as performance, and any coach would have Emilio throwing for them.
"Overfriendly" Fructose Overdose kicked up a storm in the confs, mutilating and killing a few players through the season, and what better thing for a goblin to put his time to. If he could just be a bit sneakier about it, the team might have more money for the other weapons on the squad, maybe win some more!
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Prem Stars
Flee-Sulk - Hell's Mischief
Sprint-Steal - Hell's Mischief
Sick Bubblegum - Call of the Zombie
The Grandfather - Minutes or Centuries
The Ticker - Minutes or Centuries
Felix Bressart - Ostland Horns
Phantom Stranger - Call of the Zombie
Hermann Gemmel - Ostland Horns
Fritz Berger - Ostland Horns
Mogak Trollfist - Dirrty Duzzin
Mash Flingchopper - Dirrty Duzzin
Confs Stars
Thanatos - Styx and Warpstones
Kate "the Claw" Chaney - Turbo Wolves
Tarik - Ophidian Infidels
Gotham Green - Pitch Painters
Baugar - Banner of the Black Stag
Buck Shelford - Amateur Professionals
Shadowleaf - Munchausen Moonrakers
Emilio Ferrano - Mexican Standoff
"Overfriendly" Fructose Overdose - Lobrot Asylum
Heavy Git - Gits and Shiggles
Early Retirement - Mandatory Happiness
Rising Stars
Creed Batton - Scranton Business Park
Hound of Tindalos - Miskatonic Misadventures
Dmitri Maslow - Lone Lada
two horns - Talons of the Warp
Michael Scott - Scranton Business Park
Cthonian - Miskatonic Misadventures
Deep One - Miskatonic Misadventures
Petya Petroff - Lone Lada
Hunter - Scranton Business Park
Dunwich Horror - Miskatonic Misadventures
Gorzar Rat-eater - Redgum's Ravagers |
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Wozzaa
Joined: Apr 23, 2016
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  Posted:
Mar 23, 2022 - 09:26 |
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Season 91 Late Draft
buuface: Human |
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Wozzaa
Joined: Apr 23, 2016
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  Posted:
Mar 23, 2022 - 07:19 |
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SWL Season 91 Draft
wintergreen13: Elven Union
tribalsinner: Dwarf
Plonkl: Necromantic Horror
oozeboss: Snotlings
Late Draft Options:
Elven Union, Norse, Imperial Nobility, Khorne, Lizardmen, Wood Elf, Chaos Renegades, Ogre |
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Last edited by Wozzaa on Mar 23, 2022 - 09:27; edited 1 time in total |
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tussock
Joined: May 29, 2011
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  Posted:
Mar 23, 2022 - 00:59 |
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The Awards Show!
With T & P.
P: Our first premier champions of the new era are here, and who would've ever picked greenskins?
T: I was picking goblins years ago, Phillip, it's about time a team of them won prem.
P: Bigger greenskins, Terence.
T: The Black Orcs are also part of some Goblin teams, yes.
P: No, the other ones, though they did have a few goblins, so, fair enough, well predicted.
The SWL XC Team Achievements
T: The clerks were down with something, but the survivors have come back strong, who even fears the Nurgs about the place these days.
Regional:
Turns (1187): Miskatonic Misadventures
Completions (16): Blackwater Rocky Road Warriors
TDs (12): Blackwater Rocky Road Warriors
Cas (30): Blackwater Rocky Road Warriors
SPP (147): Blackwater Rocky Road Warriors
Passing yards (22): Skye Babes
Rushing yards (227): Scranton Business Park
Blocks (360): Miskatonic Misadventures
Fouls (42): Redgum's Ravagers
Blocks/Cas (7.90): Blackwater Rocky Road Warriors
Pass/Cp (4.33): Celtic Ruin
Kills (?, ?? spp): ???
Conferences:
Turns (1156): Styx and Warpstones
Completions (11): Amateur Professionals
TDs (14): Turbo Wolves
Cas (20): Lobrot Asylum
SPP (110): Amateur Professionals
Passing yards (69): Mexican Standoff
Rushing yards (279): Turbo Wolves
Blocks (374): Freedom Fouler
Fouls (52): Lobrot Asylum
Blocks/Cas (11.87): Pitch Painters
Pass/Cp (7.67): Mexican Standoff
Kills (?, ?? spp): ???
Premier:
Turns (1133): Ostland Horns
Completions (6): Ostland Horns
TDs (12): Hell's Mischief
Cas (23): Blackwater Picaroons
SPP (103): Blackwater Picaroons
Passing yards (9): Zealots of Change
Rushing yards (235): Hell's Mischief
Blocks (314): Minutes or Centuries
Fouls (32): Ostland Horns
Blocks/Cas (8.68): Blackwater Picaroons
Pass/Cp (2.00): Hell's Miscief
Kills (?, ??spp): ???
P: Hopefully our coaches avoid whatever's going around.
T: I'm sure there's a couple of Nurgle teams just want more of it.
P: Eeeew. So, Is there a stunty cone?
T: Of course there is, for dynamite teams!
The Unofficial Maester Whippy Stunty Cone
Gotham Green (Pitch Painters) 18 spp
The Unofficial Maester Whippy Dean Douglas Sundae
Michael Scott (Scranton Business Park) 14 spp
P: Is that big guy Sundae going to the right player?
T: He wanted it, he gets it, Phillip, hush.
The SWL Season XC Awards
T: Solid turnout of new teams in the Regionals, guess who's the rising stars, eh?
P: That's the other show, Terence, this is the Twahns.
T: That's what I said! Onto the Twahns!
Regional:
Strezzar (Khornacopia) & Hound of Tindalos (Miskatonic Misadventures) 6 TDs
Michael Scott (Scranton Business Park) 7 Cas
Hound of Tindalos (Miskatonic Misadventures) 151 rushing yards
Carmen Miranda (Skye Babes) 16 pass yards
Hunter (Scranton Business Park) 18 fouls
Valmanek (Khornacopia) 69 blocks
Willow Barkley (Blackwater Rocky Road Warriors) 10 cps
Meh “The Awfully Medi-Ogre†(SupercalifrgilisticxpaliOgre) 2.80 block/cas
The Morrigan (Celtic Ruin) 4.33 pass/cp
Strezzar (Khornacopia) 25 SPP
T: The new Khorne worshippers making their mark on the SWL pitch, and the other teams.
P: Absolutely bloodthirsty, but taking a few good hits themselves.
T: Hopefully keeps them trim and not killing everything in sight.
Conferences:
Kate 'The Klaw' Chaney (Turbo Wolves) 7 TDs
Buck Shelford (Amateur Professionals) & Baugar (Banner of the Black Stag) 9 cas
Heavy Git (Gits and Shiggles) 113 turns & Surprising Git (Gits and Shiggles) 113 turns
Gotham Green (Pitch Painters) 177 rushing yards
Emilio Ferrano (Mexican Standoff) 64 pass yards
Overfriendly Fructose Overdose (Lobrot Asylum) 35 fouls
Shadowleaf (Munchausen Moonrakers) 78 blocks
Emilio Ferrano (Mexican Standoff) 8 cps
Vic Sponge (Munchausen Moonrakers) 2.34 block/cas
Emilio Ferrano (Mexican Standoff) 8 pass/cp
Thanatos (Styx and Warpstones) 35 SPP
T: And our first premier since the ... well, best left unsaid, eh, knock wood, throw salt, turn circles ...
P: Not like you to be suspicious, Terence.
T: Still, new premier, and who won it but Goblins, eh, so I'm not suspicious, just foresightful.
Premier:
Flee-Sulk (Hell's Mischief) 6 TDs
The Ticker (Minutes or Centuries) 11 cas
Mogak Trollfist (Dirrty Duzzin) 114 turns
The Grandfather (Minutes or Centuries) 164 rushing yards
Paul Atreides (Zealots of Change) 9 pass yards
Fritz Berger (Ostland Horns) 28 fouls
The Ticker (Minutes or Centuries) 73 blocks
Hermann Gemmel (Ostland Horns) 6 cps
Howling Man (Call of the Zombie) 5.67 block/cas
Paul Atreides (Zealots of Change) 1.8 pass/cp
Flee-Sulk (Hell's Mischief) & The Ticker (Minutes or Centuries) 22 SPP
P: I don't see any goblins outside that disturbing little chap in the conferences. Quite a show from the halflings though.
T: It's the quiet achievers that win prem, phillip, that rookie Big Un, just tanking the hits all season, and now declaring he'll be the team's next ball carrier! See how that works out for him come the redraft, eh.
P: At least he'll leave with the Touchstone Heart to his name, right Terence?
T: Right indeed, Phillip. What a season, our second greenskin champs, proper Goblins playing midfield in premier, skavens pipped at the post, and mixed goblin-skaven taking them out at the last. Goblins! Glorious.
P: And the Orcs too, congratulations to all the Twahnlow winners. |
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tussock
Joined: May 29, 2011
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  Posted:
Jan 24, 2022 - 07:38 |
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The T&P Show
P: There's no twahns for the trials, but if there was!
The Trials:
Topaz (Born to Rock) & Gudrun Ophelia (Zenana) 6 TDs
Morg 'n' Thorg (Zenana) 8 cas
Gudrun Ophelia (Zenana) 115 turns
Gudrun Ophelia (Zenana) 131 rushing yards
Iovain Noke (Lone Lada) 14 pass yards
Halser Springpot (Scatterbrook Tardigrades) 13 fouls
Main Screen (All Your Balls) 63 blocks
Ivy Sprywood (Blackwater Rocky Road Warriors) 10 cps
Walter Looeast (Know Your Station) 4.25 block/cas
Iovaine Noke (Lone Lada) 2.8 pass/cp
Gudrun Ophelia (Zenana) 24 SPP
T: Blooding teams near completely dominant in the Trials, as it should be. Zenana's Goodrun Ophelia being one to watch out for as she quickly grows in skill, and being the mainstay of the team's run to take the Bloody Cup.
P: Congrats to Zenana, now on with the main show, SWL kicks off late tonight! Go the High Elves!
T: Not even any High Elves in prem, Phillip.
P: Not yet, you mean, Terence, you just watch this season! |
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tussock
Joined: May 29, 2011
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  Posted:
Dec 20, 2021 - 08:02 |
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The Awards Show!
With T & P.
P: It's all conferences Terence!
T: A few teams managed to gather some new players for the league, Phillip, most said goodbye. But the league is bigger than it's been in years, 50 teams competing, with rumours of more missing out for lack of forms.
P: But it's all conferences!
T: Yes, that is the tradition, after the great war, the great collapse, and the last one (don't mention the plague), ... wait, does that imply a fourth one on the way?
P: Don't say that, Terence! We're just getting started! Tell us who stood out from these young go-getters.
The SWL LXXXIX Team Achievements
T: The clerks have been toting up the books once more, rumours of improper fielding of extra players are scandalous nonsense and will not be entered into, and also the rules committee are expecting a change there too.
Conferences:
Turns (1194): Zealots of Change
Completions (16): Kingdom Decay (SWL)
TDs (16): Zealots of Change
Cas (24): Gits and Shiggles
SPP (79): Gits and Shiggles
Passing yards (80): Mexican Standoff
Rushing yards (260): Hell's Mischief
Blocks (391): Turbo Wolves
Fouls (45): New Blacktown Expatriates
Blocks/Cas (11.60): Pitch Painters
Pass/Cp (6.67): Mexican Standoff
Kills (?, ?? spp): ???
P: Huge group to conquer for the teams who went all out for farming their special talents. Some smaller than usual with the field of young players, some quite a bit larger with the new rules.
T: That underworld team is a disgrace.
P: They're fabulous, and could do well in prem, give or take for the Goblins.
T: I refuse to admit Goblins have made prem, it makes no sense! These rules need a good looking at if you ask me.
The Unofficial Maester Whippy Stunty Cone
Gotham Green (Pitch Painters) 22 spp
The Unofficial Maester Whippy Dean Douglas Sundae
Yog, Master of the Spoon (Git Dynasty) 18 spp
P: A snotling! That must be first.
T: He's even beaten all the Skinks, though they're still rightly disqualified. No one likes Lizardmen.
The SWL Season LXXXIX Awards
T: Fifty teams. Amazing stuff.
P: So many games, so many chances to pass this tricky new floaty ball, who had the courage to throw it long, surely a High Elf!
T: It's always a High Elf, Phillip.
Conferences:
Giuseppe Garibaldi (Zealots of Change) 10 TDs
The Ticker (Minutes or Centuries) 11 cas
Umug Ratbasher & Orok Flingthar (Dirrty Duzzin) 116 turns
3rd Umpire (ERGH [Ex Ref Gobbo Hitskwad]) 177 rushing yards
Emilio Ferrano (Mexican Standoff) 79 pass yards
Ivar (New Blacktown Expatriates) 21 fouls
Robespierre (Zealots of Change) 74 blocks
Femme Fatale (Kingdom Decay (SWL)) 16 cps
Fritz Berger (Ostland Horns) 1.34 block/cas
Emilio Ferrano (Mexican Standoff) 7.19 pass/cp
Giuseppe Garibaldi (Zealots of Change) 34 SPP
T: Underworld! That horrible combination of Skavens and Goblins has proven half way unstoppable. Up there with the acknowledged powerhouses of modern Blood Bowl, Skaven, Undead, Pro Humans, the Green Tide, Amazons, and Chaos Dwarfs!
P: I like how you snuck Orcs and Goblins into one there, Terence, but they've made it up seperately!
T: Madness! Goblins have never even made premier before. History is kind to Undead teams in these early premier, but also to the rest of them, with solid starting skills on these rosters. Surely the Minutes or Centuries have the best tools, but with the new low-tackling allowed on the big boys, well, the bigger they are, the harder they fall. Even a Bull Centaur is more easily bought down now trying to save the day.
P: Make enough holes, like The Ticker was doing all season, well, who even needs to dodge?
T: We shall see, the golden Twahnlows are back on the table early next year, there's a raging Trial of Blood on for some new teams looking to enter, polishing their skills before hitting the regions, and rumor is some old team's players may have even snuck off to the Deserted Isles to try to make something of themselves.
P: If they wanted to make a real legend of themselves, Terence, it was the SWL they needed to be in. These young stars are well on the way. |
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tussock
Joined: May 29, 2011
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  Posted:
Oct 08, 2021 - 07:23 |
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The Awards Show!
With T & P.
P: Big news Terence! There's some sort of huge clerical error accessing the book of faces and the players have had enough!
T: Spreading unsubstantiated rumours is not what the awards show is for, Phillip.
P: I, but, news!
T: This awards show is for the permanent record of our top performances in the SWL.
P: Oh, fine then, tell us who was best this season, even if it was their last!
The SWL LXXXVI Team Achievements
T: We pay our snotling clerks well, and the troll enforcers hardly need to eat any of them this season, certainly not all of them.
Regional:
Turns (1139): Silent Sydney
Completions (14): Count Homogenised's MÅkai & Feyenoord Rotterdamned
TDs (17): Zealots of Change
Cas (24): Redgum's Repugnance
SPP (130): Zealots of Change
Passing yards (84): Mexican Standoff
Rushing yards (253): Zealots of Change
Blocks (360): Silent Sydney
Fouls (37): Zealots of Change
Blocks/Cas (13.70): Redgum's Repugnance
Pass/Cp (6.45): Mexican Standoff
Kills (?, ?? spp): ???
Conferences:
Turns (1130): Chaos All Sorts
Completions (20): Amateur Professionals
TDs (15): Amateur Professionals
Cas (27): Heroes Before the Fall
SPP (130): Heroes Before the Fall
Passing yards (123): Amateur Professionals
Rushing yards (246): Har Ganeth Hellbores
Blocks (375): Blue Mountain Giants
Fouls (36): Heroes Before the Fall
Blocks/Cas (9.30): Banner of the Black Stag
Pass/Cp (6.15): Amateur Professionals
Kills (?, ?? spp): ???
Premier:
Turns (1118): Bronzed Raiders
Completions (7): Ouch in a Pouch
TDs (13): Bronzed Raiders & Cult of the Firedrake
Cas (24): Crazy Beard Express & Cult of the Firedrake
SPP (87): Bronzed Raiders
Passing yards (31): Ouch in a Pouch
Rushing yards (245): Bronzed Raiders
Blocks (333): Cold Rock
Fouls (30): Crazy Beard Express
Blocks/Cas (8.35): Styx αnd Warpstones
Pass/Cp (4.43): Ouch in a Pouch
Kills (?, ??spp): ???
P: It's a team effort, and many of the teams will of course be returning, despite the news.
T: Don't interrupt the Mr Whippy part, Phillip.
P: It's my job to provide you with softball questions, Terence, stop being mean about it.
T: We've been asked not to talk about the news! Stop asking me about it.
The Unofficial Maester Whippy Stunty Cone
Leo Rumster (Pipton Picnickers) 15 spp
The Unofficial Maester Whippy Dean Douglas Sundae
Cah (Concussion Protocol) 19 spp
P: No wonder Leo's leaving, lifetime supply of cones!
T: Shush, Phillip, it's time for the Twahns!
The SWL Season LXXXVI Awards
T: It was one huge party in the regionals again, fourteen teams setting a record for participation in one pool. Maybe this is what the problem was?
P: I thought we weren't speculating?
T: On with the show, then! Silenty Sydney winning the tournament, but no show offs in that squad.
Regional:
Valerie Page (Zealots of Change) 8 TDs
Detestation (Redgum's Repugnance) 9 cas
Decjuba Belt (Killer Heelz) 114 turns
Gangrene Greg (Redgum's Repugnance) 150 rushing yards
Christiano Alonso (Mexican Standoff) 53 pass yards
Swabbie (Social Distance) 8 fouls
Cherrytwig (Pipton Picnickers) 75 blocks
Willy Winger (Olde Skye United) 9 cps
Rocky Balboa (Zealots of Change) 5.75 block/cas
Christiano Alonso (Mexican Standoff) 7.58 pass/cp
Óli Johansen (Bear Island Berserkers) 25 SPP & Valerie Page (Zealots of Change) 25 SPP
T: Amateur Professionals and Chaos All Sorts winning the two conferences, totally different approches to the game there, but shows any team can make prem in the SWL. Any team at all. There is no secret hidden rule preventing the Chaos All Sorts making prem, for instance.
P: Certainly not, Terence. Scandalous rumors, those.
T: And not at all true.
Conferences:
John Kirwan (Amateur Professionals) 9 TDs
Duluk Zombieeagle (SWL Dorruks) 11 cas
Bedlam (Chaos All Sorts) 114 turns
Disorder (Chaos All Sorts) 163 rushing yards
David Kirk (Amateur Professionals) 119 pass yards
Krycek (Federated Fowlers) 20 fouls
Enthusiasm (Heroes before the Fall) 87 blocks
David Kirk (Amateur Professionals) 14 cps
Egill Þrasison (Banner of the Black Stag) 3.88 block/cas
David Kirk (Amateur Professionals) 8.5 pass/cp
John Kirwan (Amateur Professionals) 33 SPP
T: Play Fetch, Loec's Loggers, and Cold Rock were all in it to the end, but Brozed Raiders took out the final game to take their fourth premier title, off the back of an amazing cut-through play by Kofaer that couldn't quite be matched by Diana Wynn Jones. Questions have been asked about the agility and speed of these players for a while now, and the poor snotlings trying to keep up with their records ... is it any wonder?
Premier:
Kofaer (Bronzed Raiders) 10 TDs
Cronus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 13 cas
Talltrunk Leafbringer (Loec's Loggers) 115 turns
Stampede (Crazy Beard Express) 161 rushing yards
Torduken (Bronzed Raiders) 22 pass yards
Splat (Crazy Beard Express) 19 fouls
Cronus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 93 blocks
Torduken (Bronzed Raiders) & Theseus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 5 cps
Marrahki Daemonfire (Bronzed Raiders) 4.67 block/cas
Numb Bat-Bat (Ouch in a Pouch) 6 pass/cp
Kofaer (Bronzed Raiders) 31 SPP
T: Our predictions last season prooved, well, disturbingly accurate, Phillip. Should we try again?
P: Ooh, well, what if one was to predict a mass player strike due to clerks stealing all their wages and the entire lot of the sacked due to disturbing contract clauses that prevent them playing ever again?
T: Almost like you're predicting a complete rewrite of the rules for player's funds, the rules of the game, the rules for blocking, fouling, passing, money management, and who knows what else?
P: Almost, yes. Wouldn't that be amazing if we were so close to being accurate once more, Terence?
T: Surely impossible to guess that well, Phillip, why, such a thing would've only happened a couple times before in all the history of SWL.
P: Third time's the charm, Terence?
T: We may not see the likes of the stacks of agility boosts on teams that won their divisions this season, if that's all true, Phillip. Who knows.
*SWL remains awesome, come get some, mega-draft on the 13th. |
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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  Posted:
Oct 07, 2021 - 07:10 |
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SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVIII - The End Of An Error
"Er... shouldn't that be 'era', Jim?"
"Oh, now you're the one who knows how to spell, are you?"
Due to lightning strikes, illegal holidaymaking and general goblin antics, the Death Watch has been delayed for several weeks. With each delay, the pile of bodies mounted ever higher, and so only with a herculean effort have we cleared the backlog in time for the Great Apocalyptic Reset that is coming for Season LXXXIX. Pinch your nose to hide your tears or just avoid the disgusting smell that is the last Death Watch of the ruleset formerly known as 'BB16':
Afogato, poured over a scoop of ice cream by Xander. *Lizardman Saurus, 14 SPP.
Grumpiness, didn't exactly have a smile put on his face by Talltrunk Leafbringer. *Chaos Dwarf Blocker, 27 SPP.
Julius Coldrock, warmed over by Vanthiel the Visionary. Chaos Dwarf Hobgoblin , 0 SPP.
Paphia, sent down the mines by Thardrakk Coalface. Underworld Goblin , 0 SPP.
The "You Don't Have A Leg To Stanza On" Laboured Rhyme Department
Frano Botica, notica anything any more after a hit by Duluk Zombieeagle. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
Galla Fiacus, suffered a bad smackus by Groa. Amazon Linewoman, 10 SPP.
Beatrice Rogeir, living nowhere after another hit by Groa. *Amazon Linewoman, 9 SPP.
Katerwaul Krescendo, suffering a diminnuendo by Cah. Chaos Pact Skaven Renegade, 19 SPP.
Patrick Duorn, all forlorn after getting stuck in a rabid Tumult. Ogre Gnoblar, 0 SPP.
End Of The Laboured Rhymes ... For now!
Bubbles, blew every chance while tripping on his shoelaces. *Nurgle Pestigor, 24 SPP.
Bazza Kriega, blitzkrieged Detestation. *Old World Alliance Dwarf Blitzer, 2 SPP.
Bear, squeezed so hard all his stuffing came out by Rocky Balboa. Norse Berserker, 2 SPP.
Herbad Kakr, shattered by Brittle. Lizardman Skink, 3 SPP.
Vanthiel the Visionary, timed out by Cronus. *Wood Elf Wardancer, 10 SPP.
Matchsticks Maruthel, clocked off by Cronus. Wood Elf Catcher, 6 SPP.
Kerosene Kerrithel, without a spring in his step (or any of his movement) after a hit by Cronus. Wood Elf Lineman, 9 SPP.
"Can we stop with all these references to watches and clocks?"
"Why, are you getting ... wound up?"
Kurz Dreadstealer, deadstealer more like after a resounding smash by Theodore Nuffleson the 7th. Orc Black Orc Blocker, 16 SPP.
Steve McDowall, with micro enthusiasm for Mega. *High Elf Lineman, 17 SPP.
"I knew we couldn't get through this without some of those silly names!"
Bowman, retired with a nasty splinter in his hand, or did he just get the shaft from Banba Tricus? *Human Lineman, 17 SPP.
(), Failed dodge. Human Blitzer, 0 SPP. Fell down so embarassingly hard that he isn't even listed on the roster.
Agitated, helped to calm down by Deacon Jimmy Van Phirramid. Chaos Pact Marauder, 0 SPP.
Jaelan Phillips, certainly lacking in Vigour. Undead Zombie, 0 SPP.
Going to be pushing up at least one Daisy thanks to Big Jobo Hairyfoot. Amazon Linewoman, 7 SPP.
Lint Biscuit, chewed up and spat out by Lady McDeath. *Snotling Fungus Flinga, 10 SPP.
May-Bae Tears, well, may be lots of sad things happen when you get run over by Fungus the Loon. Dark Elf Lineman, 2 SPP.
Timmy Lemoncake, bit off more than he could chew when he encountered the sharp end of Gazza Blunt. Halfling, 0 SPP.
Cromwell, went beyond the pale during Lockdown. *Underworld Blitzer, 36 SPP.
Simon Bolivar, headstomped by Swabbie. *Underworld Lineman, 25 SPP.
Lost Button, couldn't be found no matter how much help we got from Vaxinator. Snotling Stilty Runna, 0 SPP.
Fluff, gobbled up by his own teammate, Bograt Loo Roll. Snotling, 0 SPP.
Judith Leyster, reconsidering a career in fine art after an encounter with Ard 'Ead Banger. Vampire Thrall, 0 SPP.
Pedro Penzance, fell off the end of the world (or at least Albion) after being shoved by Durbul Treeseer. High Elf Lineman, 7 SPP.
IRONIC DEMISE OF THE WEEK
Sparky, zapped by Sathriel Spark-Spray. *Skaven Lineman, 8 SPP.
"Well, they do say electricity and water shouldn't mix... what about ratmen and hippy elves?"
Fharrakka Metalhand, had all the shine smeared off by Putrid Patricia. Chaos Dwarf Blocker, 0 SPP.
Dexterity, Block by Muzz. Undead Zombie, 9 SPP.
Nellie Bly, heard a buzz in his ears just before a foul from Bumble. Underworld Goblin , SPP.
Emily Hobhouse, from hobhouse to hobbledhouse by Viago. Underworld Goblin , SPP.
Vladislav, staked out by Porfirio DÃaz. Vampire Vampire, 27 SPP.
Graham Darkstone, enlightened by Duluk Zombieeagle. Human Lineman, 0 SPP.
Gat Ghoulburster, gobbled up by Carnivore. *Orc Blitzer, 23 SPP.
"What's with all the stars after players' names, Jim?"
"Those are all players who successfully hurt somebody before. Also, this was the last time any of them will be seeing stars."
"That's so kind, Jim! And now: for the Curse of the Death Watch!"
"Three weeks I've not had to hear your nonsense..."
Lucuma, Block * 1 kill. Broken Neck
Grumpiness, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Loranda Hagborn, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Arm
Thyla the Unseen, Failed dodge * 1 kill. Pinched Nerve
Vanthiel the Visionary, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Marrahki Daemonfire, Block * 3 kills. Smashed Hip
Mazorn Zombieburner, Foul * 1 kill. Smashed Ankle
Raekwon McMillan, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Hip
Cromwell, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Craig Green, Foul * 1 kill. Fractured Arm
Revereng Boyle De Feathers, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Hand
Cah, Block * 4 kills. Smashed Collar Bone
And now, as we put all the wrecked and ruined bodies on the cart to the abbatoir, let's pause and reflect on every one of the 4,796 deaths and serious injuries that have occurred since the start of SWL LXXI. Heartfelt thanks to the statistickal goblins that had to watch every single game to write these all down, even if the lazy greenskins just fastforwarded to the end. Death Watch Awards to follow once we get over the tidal wave of emotion, but first, wave at all these victims:
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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  Posted:
Sep 24, 2021 - 08:10 |
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SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVIII Week Four
"Why has it taken so long to get the bodies lined up?"
"Well, all the statistickal goblins have been too busy making bets on the Chaos Cup this weekend."
"Back to normal by next week, then?"
"What's 'normal', Bob?"
Brittle by name, brittle by nature, as demonstrated by Xander. Chaos Dwarf Hobgoblin , 23 SPP.
Abraham Stickler, beaten black and blue by Bruiser. Necromantic Wight, 16 SPP.
Kaiden Killmonger, looking like he was dragged through an ironmongers' by Staunch. Necromantic Zombie, 2 SPP.
Poor eyesight is the least of Cyclops II's worries, after getting a splinter from Cherrytwig. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
Teahupoo, departed with the crowd saying 'Teahupoo? Teahup ooooh!" following the meatjuice-smeared boots of Bella 'Gravy' Rumster. Skaven Gutter Runner, 32 SPP.
Monsignor Jimmy H. Widders, suffering a cold or worse after meeting Finubra Frostblade. *Dwarf Blocker, 2 SPP.
Roxanne Darknail, introduced to God by Pastor Robin Van Horney. Dark Elf Witch Elf, 20 SPP.
Renaldo Chavez, reached his final destination via Detestation. *High Elf Lineman, 14 SPP.
"This is clearly why we can't have nice things."
"I'm not sure AG5 elves are very nice. Well, they don't taste any nicer than AG4 elves, Jim."
Sancho Muerta, feeling nothing but Disgust. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
Sebastian Argento, suffering from an infection by a nasty Pathogen. High Elf Lineman, 7 SPP.
Booger, eaten by Luton Wet Carpet. Snotling, 0 SPP.
"You know, people think it's disgusting to eat boogers, but I have to say, I was positively enthralled to watch it."
"Speaking of thralls:"
Rembrandt van Rijn, never getting up out of a Suede Recliner ever again. Vampire Thrall, 0 SPP.
Curse Of The Death Watch
Yuda Snake, Block * 1 kill. Gouged Eye
La Graviere IV, Failed dodge * 1 kill. Pinched Nerve
Monsignor Jimmy H. Widders, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Euryclea Fearlock, Block * 4 kills. Damaged Back
And now sit back and relax (unlike all the players with damaged backs) at the weekly hit parade:
#N/A |
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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  Posted:
Sep 14, 2021 - 07:26 |
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SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVIII Week Three
After the great start to the season, we seem to be running out of steam (if not players...). An abbreviated Death Watch this week, due to most players failing to sacrifice themselves to Nuffle as required:
Definitely time was up for Merc Chaos Dwarf Blocker 1 (), had his face smashed and both his hands pulled off by Cronus. Chaos Dwarf Blocker, 0 SPP.
George Hotorc, cooled off by a big bite of Lucuma. Lizardman Skink, 0 SPP.
Blue Locast, less than half a man after a hit by Hafdan. Human Blitzer, 17 SPP.
"Maybe he'll make a comeback when he can spell 'locust' properly..."
Julius Silentorc, certainly won't be speaking up after running into Pandemonium. Amazon Linewoman, 0 SPP.
From Hidiot to extra-hurt idiot in one clean motion after a thump by Monsignor Jimmy H. Widders. Ogre Ogre, 35 SPP.
Björn, will need some babying after tripping dodging. Norse Berserker, 6 SPP.
"Great to see that Shoelaces' dreaded return wasn't a once-off!"[/i
Little Jonjo Spicerub, went surfing, never came back. Halfling, 0 SPP.
[i]"I guess you could say he got spicerubbed the wrong way!"
"Is that some disgusting thing you found out about on Tick Tock?"
"What, you mean the new horologically obsessed alternative to Cabalvision? The one all the cool kidz are watching?"
"Seriously Bob, you're staring at grandfather clocks all day?"
"We started with Cronus, we're staying with these references as long as we can."
"I really don't have the time..."
CURSE OF THE DEATH WATCH - TWICE AS DANGEROUS AS LAST WEEK!
Gruff, Block * 2 kills. Smashed Collar Bone
Azibo, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Skull
"Why isn't Merc Chaos Dwarf Blocker () there? He killed Luthais Elmshade back in SWL LXXVI!"
"Oh, so now you admit the Curse does exist!"
"Er... Let's just have a look at the line of injured players, Bob!"
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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  Posted:
Sep 14, 2021 - 03:08 |
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SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVIII Week Two
Proxius, close to glory before getting squashed by Mobad Tuilom. Underworld Lineman, 0 SPP.
Iona Hacksaw, blunted by Detestation. Dark Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
Ratchet Sass, will be giving no more backchat to Harry Haematoma. Dark Elf Blitzer, 0 SPP.
"It's good to see two new players start their careers this season."
"They're dead, Bob!"
"That never stopped the Repugnance recruiting rotters before..."
Lennox, wiped off by TP Hoarder. Skaven Lineman, 9 SPP.
Ian Clumsyhammer, all fingers and thumbs as he was ushered to his final resting place by La Graviere IV. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.
"After a season where La Graviere kept on dying, it's nice to see him kill somebody else for a change!"
Diego Estevez, failed dodge. High Elf Thrower, 17 SPP.
"And after a conspicuous absence last week, the shoelaces claim another victim. Well done, laces!"
Robert Smalls, getting even more reduced in size by Cherrytwig. Underworld Goblin, 0 SPP.
Snoogydumb, never going to wise up after a hit by Brad. Ogre Gnoblar, 0 SPP.
Carter Loath, sliced up by Brad. Ogre Gnoblar, 0 SPP.
"That's loath, Bob!"
"Yeah, I know, the other name for bread, right?"
"sigh..."
Eddie Jr, kicked off the pitch forever by Merc Runt Punter 1. Chaos Chaos Warrior, 0 SPP.
"I've always said that Merc Runt Punter 1 was a player to watch. Mark my words, he'll be a contender for the All Stars this season."
"Well, he's probably missed less games to injury than any other ogre on the 'Protocol at this point..."
Merrick Grumnirson, not going to be setting the world on fire after a hit by Mazorn Zombieburner. Norse Runner, 47 SPP.
Just time for a quick look at the Curse of the Death Watch before we finish up:
Bruiser, Block * 4 kills. Smashed Collar Bone
"Curse, you say, Bob? Looks like one unlucky chorf to me..."
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Wozzaa
Joined: Apr 23, 2016
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  Posted:
Sep 08, 2021 - 23:32 |
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The Pies at the game against Silent Sydney were a bit gristly, but they went fast. Despite the odd bit of fur, the audience were very happy with the delicious meat and cheese pies! |
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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  Posted:
Sep 08, 2021 - 22:50 |
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SWL Death Watch LXXXVIII Week One
Jim and Bob have been on a camping trip for the whole of the last month, so the usual weekly review of the casualty contributions has been a bit delayed. So here comes the first week of the show that all the cool kids are calling Swizzle Wizzle Lizzle Dizzle Wizzle!
Brushed Aside, and swept away by Loco. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
Puntoroo, turned into flesh coloured goo by Grumpiness. Skaven Thrower, 20 SPP.
Loco, bought a ticket for the pain train from Macropounder. Chaos Dwarf Bull Centaur, 62 SPP.
"Or was that just the Curse of the Death Watch being extra prompt?
"For the last time Bob, there's no -"
Brooks Mudman, cleaned away by Cronus. Necromantic Flesh Golem, 32 SPP.
"- I don't want to interrupt you, Jim, but it's saying three kills for Mudman on this bit of parchment..."
Herbard Aern, more like Herbad in an urn after an encounter with Tariphel Treebane. Lizardman Skink, 5 SPP.
Jaffa, won't taste any better when he's stale, or after getting a big thump from Marrakhi Daemonfire. Lizardman Skink, 0 SPP.
Helm Steelforge, hammered flat by Duluk Zombieeagle. Dwarf Blitzer, 13 SPP.
Dryope Tolen, died after suffering a massive Impak. Amazon Thrower, 26 SPP.
Griff, reduced to nothing more than a whiff by Euryclea Fearlock. Orc Goblin , 0 SPP.
Harold, killed by Egill Þrasison. Human Lineman, 0 SPP.
"With the Amateur Professionals taking a week off from the carnage, looks like this was the collision of two of the most obviously made-up names I've ever seen..."
Boa Sandersonia, made sad by Brad. Amazon Blitzer, 8 SPP.
Professor U. Colby Stone, DD, had his qualifications torn away by Daniel Kilgore. Dwarf Trollslayer, 20 SPP.
Guru Ganguly G. Gidders, doubled up in pain as part of a double kill by Daniel Kilgore. Dwarf Blocker, 0 SPP.
Broken Straw, never getting repaired after a block by Azibo. Snotling Stilty Runna, 0 SPP.
Brantley Tiberus, overflowing the river banks with blood after a hit from the vowel-deprived Rsmses. Snotling, 0 SPP.
Hieronymous Bosch, won't be inviting one back to see his paintings after a solid punch from Rocky Balboa. Vampire Thrall, 0 SPP.
Phizer, got the cure from Kurdan Wolfbleeder. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.
Curse Of The Death Watch
Thyla the Unseen, 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Loco, 2 kills. Dead
Brooks Mudman, 3 kills. Dead
Larithel Long-Knife, 1 kill. Smashed Hip
Mayhem, 2 kills. Broken Ribs
Reverend Boyle De Feathers, 1 kill. Smashed Ankle
Annoyingly, this was almost the first week since records began where the cursed shoelaces didn't claim a victim, until in a late game Darun the Friendless tripped over and smashed his hip. Please pay more attention to your knots, everyone!
And here's a line-up longer than the queue of people complaining about Pinkeye Growthspurt's body odour: everyone who got seriously hurt in week 1:
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Wozzaa
Joined: Apr 23, 2016
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  Posted:
Aug 25, 2021 - 02:15 |
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*** Did you know...
Leo, Bella, and Blake are triplets from the Rumster family. Their family descend from the ancient Clan Rumster, a clan famed for their Pies. The triplets hold the secret family recipe and bring a new variety to most games. The pie meat in the pies baked for the game vs Ophidia Infidels was green, but still very delicious. |
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almic85
Joined: May 25, 2009
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  Posted:
Aug 13, 2021 - 12:03 |
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SWL SEASON LXXVII - On Second Thawt Conference LXXXVIII - Damned Lies and Statistics
After some thorough data collection and summary beatings our resident statistician has provided an overview of the upcoming Season 88 On Second Thawt Conference to truly tantalise your tastebuds.
The average TV size of teams competing is 1525, with 4 teams above and 4 teams below the average. Three teams top 1600TV, being Chaos All Sorts, Har Ganeth Hellebores and Heroes Before the Fall, and only one team drops below 1300TV. Coincidentally the five biggest teams in this conference are all recently promoted from Regionals and the smallest team is recently demoted from Premier.
The average number of games played by all teams is as low as 27, meaning that any team older than 4 seasons is a veritable antique. Four teams are only in their second season, with 9 games a piece, while only 2 teams have over 50 games, being the Chaos All Sorts and Concussion Protocol who are both coached by seasoned SWL campaigners.
Experience may be important but winning is even better and when it comes to winning percentages (wins per game) the average sits at just 49%, with 4 teams sitting above the magic 50% win percentage. The most winningest team are the Blackwater Saltminers, with a win percentage of 66%, while the least winningest team are Concussion Protocol, with a measly 28%.
This isn’t just a game of winning and losing though, and a hard fought draw is often almost as sweet as a draw. Three teams have a Draw percentage of greater than 30%, being the Heroes before the Fall, Concussion Protocol, and Chaos All Sorts, which could either be attributed to their ability to hold on tight enough. On the other side two team, Blocky Horror Chaos Show and Har Ganeth Hellebores, have a Draw % of only 11% meaning that these two teams go big or go home.
Onto the second most exciting statistic and we are going to look at average TD for and against per game.
The average TD For sits at 1.46 per game. Three teams seem to eclipse this mark being the Meeami DeadFins (1.70), Har Ganeth Hellebores (1.67), and Blackwater Saltminers (1.56), which should lead to some exciting score lines. On the flip side the team that scores the least is Concussion Protocol (1.12) who seemingly struggle to get points on the board.
The average TD Against sits at 1.18, with three teams able to keep their average down to 1.00 or below, being Meeami DeadFins (0.95), Blackwater Saltminers (1.00), and Heroes before the Fall (1.00). The leakiest sieve on the other hand are the Har Ganeth Hellebores (1.56) who seemingly haven’t quite figured out how to stop a cage.
Of course winning, losing and scoring touchdowns are not the reason why fans roll through the gates to watch this great game. We want to see BLOOD, and the good news is that these teams have a respectable average CAS For per Game of 2.38 and CAS Against per game of 2.12 so whichever way you slice it someone is going to be hurt.
The three teams that lay the hurt down on other teams are Chaos All Sorts (2.85), Har Ganeth Hellebores (2.67), and Heroes before the Fall (2.56), while the softest touch comes from Concussion Protocol (1.84) who just don’t seem to be landing hits as their size befits.
Unfortunately its not good news for Concussion Protocol who also manage to be the team most likely to be hurt with an average CAS Against per game of 3.98. I know Gnoblars are squishy, but surely they can step out of the way. The toughest team on the other hand is Blocky Horror Picture Show who manage to only suffer an average of 1.33 casualties each game.
Anyway that’s all from this statistician so good night and keep counting. |
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