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ramchop



Joined: Oct 12, 2013

Post   Posted: May 25, 2019 - 04:19
FUMBBL Staff
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The SWL LXXVI Team Achievements

Regional:
Turns (1112): Nuffle's Decaydence
Completions (11): Cocoa Speed
TDs (12): Salzenmund Salamanders & Haunted All-Sorts
Cas (20): Singed Poor Scoundrels
SPP (114): Salzenmund Salamanders
Passing yards (31): Port Royal Poachers
Rushing yards (214): Salzenmund Salamanders
Blocks (321): In De Nile
Fouls (68): Singed Poor Scoundrels
Blocks/Cas (14.7): Singed Poor Scoundrels
Pass/Cp (3.44): Port Royal Poachers
Kills (5): Singed Poor Scoundrels

Conferences:
Turns (1163): [adult swim]
Completions (18): Morning Breakfast Cereal
TDs (14): Loec's Loggers
Cas (27): Redgum's Rationalists
SPP (129): Redgum's Rationalists
Passing yards (85): Morning Breakfast Cereal
Rushing yards (271): Lab Rat Elysium
Blocks (392): [adult swim]
Fouls (34): Styx αnd Warpstones
Blocks/Cas (10.407): Redgum's Rationalists
Pass/Cp (4.7): Morning Breakfast Cereal
Kills (4): Redgum's Rationalists & Styx αnd Warpstones & Waaaaghton Redskins

Premier:
Turns (1158): Blue Mountain Giants
Completions (16): Wildwood Windlords
TDs (14): Wildwood Windlords
Cas (29): Bronzed Raiders
SPP (121): Wildwood Windlords
Passing yards (69): Wildwood Windlords
Rushing yards (228): Wildwood Windlords
Blocks (389): Blue Mountain Giants
Fouls (19): Bronzed Raiders
Blocks/Cas (12.5): Bronzed Raiders
Pass/Cp (4.3): Wildwood Windlords
Kills (5): Bronzed Raiders


Image The Unofficial Maester Whippy Dean Douglas Sundae
Image Socrates (Redgum's Rationalists) 14 spp


The SWL Season LXXVI Awards

Regional:
Image Image Ruler (Haunted All-Sorts) 11 TDs
Image Image Manshape Gutwart (Singed Poor Scoundrels) 6 cas
Image Image Manshape Gutwart (Singed Poor Scoundrels) 114 turns
Image Image Ruler (Haunted All-Sorts) 139 rushing yards
Image Image Gunter Atzwig (Salzenmund Salamanders) 18 pass yards
Image Image Pinkeye Growthspurt (Singed Poor Scoundrels) 29 fouls
Image Image Setep The Usurper (In De Nile) 69 blocks
Image Image Cocoa (Cocoa Speed) & Image Gunter Atzwig (Salzenmund Salamanders) 8 cps
Image Image Alaric Eschlimann (Salzenmund Salamanders) 7.2 block/cas
Image Image Teddy (Haunted All-Sorts) 3.2 pass/cp

Image Image Ruler (Haunted All-Sorts) 33 SPP




Conferences:
Image Image Impak (Waaaaghton Redskins) 11 TDs
Image Image Squanchy ([adult swim]) 9 cas
Image Image Aenesidemus (Redgum's Rationalists) 115 turns
Image Image Impak (Waaaaghton Redskins) 195 rushing yards
Image Image Jade (Morning Breakfast Cereal) 71 pass yards
Image Image Arethusa (Styx αnd Warpstones) 30 fouls
Image Image Salamoneus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 79 blocks
Image Image Jade (Morning Breakfast Cereal) 12 cps
Image Image Pythagoras of Samos (Redgum's Rationalists) 3 block/cas
Image Image Jade (Morning Breakfast Cereal) 5.92 pass/cp

Image Image Salamoneus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 43 SPP



Premier:
Image Image Hergal Goldbrew (Blue Mountain Giants) 9 TDs
Image Image Wychwethyl (Wildwood Windlords) 8 cas
Image Image Fel Battledawn (Blue Mountain Giants) 113 turns
Image Image Taur'ruk (Bronzed Raiders) 188 rushing yards
Image Image Longbough (Wildwood Windlords) 63 pass yards
Image Image Talogan (Bronzed Raiders) 13 fouls
Image Image Wychwethyl (Wildwood Windlords) 90 blocks
Image Image Longbough (Wildwood Windlords) 13 cps
Image Image Kharghaz Bronzebeard (Bronzed Raiders) 5.5 block/cas
Image Image Longbough (Wildwood Windlords) 4.85 pass/cp

Image Image Hergal Goldbrew (Blue Mountain Giants) 27 SPP
DrPoods



Joined: Nov 14, 2013

Post   Posted: May 25, 2019 - 02:54 Reply with quote Back to top

Lovely effort as usual...

Jeeves! More scotch fingers!

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"Gallifrey falls no more"
Do your part! Join the Adoption Agency NOW!
ramchop



Joined: Oct 12, 2013

Post   Posted: May 25, 2019 - 01:21
FUMBBL Staff
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The Bitecoin debacle was hard on everyone in the Southern Wastes League. Not only were Legendary teams forced out of business, but drastic cuts had to made throughout SWL administration. One of these cuts was to the seasonal stipend to the SWL All Star Committee. While not happy to have their pay cut in half, the committee continued their good work.

This was, however, until the "How Good?" scandal of Season 73. Investigative CabalVision current affairs show NewsBarbie uncovered blatant overspending by the new SWL executive. The mysterious "How Good?" budget included vast sums of money spent on items such as Kim Chi, soup, and Scotch finger biscuits.

Though refusing an interview, an insider allegedly told NewsBarbie that the commissioner's sole response to the scandal was "Cuca sardines are <expletive> amazing!"

And so the All star committee went on strike.

No All Star lists were released for season 73. The SWL administration stood firm.

No All Star lists were released for season 74. The Players started to complain. Member of the local team "Rationalists", and political activist Socrates, took to taking a daily dump on the front steps of SWL HQ in protest. Security were too scared to act, but the SWL administration stood firm.

No All Star lists were released for season 75. Something had to be done. A new CFO was brought into the executive team. Mr F was well known for gaming the system, and it took him a 30 second glance at the books to find a way forward. The "How Good?" budget stayed, and the All Star stipend was returned to its former level.

Just how was this accounting wizardry achieved? With a simple stroke of the red pen across one item. Southern Wastes League Donation to the Shrine of Nuffle. We're all screwed.

ImageAll-Stars Season LXXIIIImage
Image Cotton Candy, Pugs Not Drugs
Image Emily Snakefield, Bravado
Image Dean Venture, [adult swim]
Image Stev'o Yunge, Dean Park Rangers
Image Sakari Spawnrot, Chrimean Chimera
Image Wychwethyl, Wildwood Windlords
Image Ulric Dirtytree, Unicorn Gunfight
Image The Ur-Nugget, Unicorn Gunfight
Image Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins
Image Baron von Kitemonger, Unicorn Gunfight
Image Rainbow Pudding, Unicorn Gunfight

LXXIII Prem Stars
Cotton Candy, Pugs Not Drugs
Baron von Kitemonger, Unicorn Gunfight
Cantia Sura, Immortalis Inquietus
Stev'o Yunge, Dean Park Rangers
The Ur-Nugget, Unicorn Gunfight
Drolgo Rabidchewer, MekLab Geargrinderz
Rainbow Pudding, Unicorn Gunfight
Ulric Dirtytree, Unicorn Gunfight
Arf' Arf'an'Arf, Lab Rat Elysium
Chocolate, Pugs Not Drugs
Kum Madbleeder, MekLab Geargrinderz

LXXIII Conference Reps
Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins
Emily Snakefield, Bravado
Wrestlin' Wallace Wakelin, Belfast Black Rats
Ochraceiventer, Ratty Old Elves
Dean Venture, [adult swim]
Beard o Zeus, Brew Pub Brouhaha
Wychwethyl, Wildwood Windlords
REALiTi, Beyond the Sunset
Vilot Voom, Wildwood Windlords
Mai "The Black" l'Olonnais, Cloud 11 Stormbreakers
Socrates, Redgum's Rationalists

LXXIII Rising Stars
Sakari Spawnrot, Chrimean Chimera
Ku-Klip, Da Lollipop Guild
Sephrenia, Elenium
Centrolene Ilex II, Skye Hoppers!
Lach Legionellosis, Chrimean Chimera
Nimmie Amee, Da Lollipop Guild
Hokomate, ☠Refreshingly Dead☠
Mogarak, Ramalangadingdong
Marwolaeth, ☠Refreshingly Dead☠
Taur'ruk, Bronzed Raiders
Eamonn Everweep, Chrimean Chimera


ImageAll-Stars Season LXXIVImage
Image Vilot Voom, Wildwood Windlords
Image Freezie Pop, Unicorn Gunfight
Image Forest Bark, North Cape Crays
Image Longbough, Wildwood Windlords
Image Ku-Klip, Da Lollipop Guild
Image Salamoneus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Image Michael "Belt" Hutchence, Pugs Not Drugs
Image Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins
Image Eamonn Everweep, Chrimean Chimera
Image Beast of Busco, Cryptic Cryptids
Image Boden Boughfriend, Wildwood Windlords

LXXIV Prem Stars
Vilot Voom, Wildwood Windlords
Boden Boughfriend, Wildwood Windlords
Finan Walnutbrook, Wildwood Windlords
Cotton Candy, Pugs Not Drugs
Longbough, Wildwood Windlords
Chocolate, Pugs Not Drugs
Dean Martin, Bravado
Dean Venture, [adult swim]
Michael "Belt" Hutchence, Pugs Not Drugs
Orobon, Cryptic Cryptids
Meatwad, [adult swim]

LXXIV Conference Reps
Freezie Pop, Unicorn Gunfight
Ku-Klip, Da Lollipop Guild
Turbo Thomas Flynn, Belfast Black Rats
Ólerydon, Phoenix Academy Sharp Shooters
Eamonn Everweep, Chrimean Chimera
Mouse Haus, Beyond the Sunset
Major Mite, Da Lollipop Guild
Rainbow Prairie Doggo, Unicorn Gunfight
Strongboi, Calithonian Cynegeticus
Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins
Khorharr Ironhand, Bronzed Raiders

LXXIV Rising Stars
Salamoneus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Hergal Goldbrew, Blue Mountain Giants
Ineptus Minimus, Murine Cultists
Nebula, Haunted All-Sorts
Forest Bark, North Cape Crays
Hundie, Haunted All-Sorts
Arethusa, Styx αnd Warpstones
Flint Warmantle, Blue Mountain Giants
Tragynus III, Yeast Lords
Ferd Nutlee, Zagazig United
Windacool, Didgeridead


ImageAll-Stars Season LXXVImage
Image Artoria Donatiana , Immortalis Inquietus
Image Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins
Image Socrates, Redgum's Rationalists
Image Longbough , Wildwood Windlords
Image Hergal Goldbrew, Blue Mountain Giants
Image Salamoneus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Image Arethusa, Styx αnd Warpstones
Image Eamonn Everweep, Chrimean Chimera
Image Gael Gorgongout, Chrimean Chimera
Image Henry Allen "Hank" Venture, [adult swim]
Image Aenesidemus, Redgum's Rationalists

LXXV Prem Stars
Artoria Donatiana, Immortalis Inquietus
Ku-Klip, Da Lollipop Guild
Valen Varicella, Chrimean Chimera
Henry Allen "Hank" Venture, [adult swim]
Longbough, Wildwood Windlords
Eamonn Everweep, Chrimean Chimera
Gael Gorgongout, Chrimean Chimera
Squanchy, [adult swim]
Servius Silius Globulus, Immortalis Inquietus
Sakari Spawnrot, Chrimean Chimera
Vilot Voom, Wildwood Windlords

LXXV Conference Reps
Taur'ruk, Bronzed Raiders
Freezie Pop, Unicorn Gunfight
Hergal Goldbrew, Blue Mountain Giants
Húbon, Phoenix Academy Sharp Shooters
Socrates, Redgum's Rationalists
Jimmy, Haunted All-Sorts
Salamoneus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Arethusa, Styx αnd Warpstones
Aenesidemus, Redgum's Rationalists
Jiang Zemin, TingBuDong
The Ur-Nugget, Unicorn Gunfight

LXXV Rising Stars
Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins
Etana of Kish, Aattaallii LavaBulls (SWL)
Elmo, Trial o Puppies n Fluffy Candy
Jade, Morning Breakfast Cereal
Manshape Gutwart, Singed Poor Scoundrels
Leptobrachium Smithi III, Skye Hoppers!
Pinkeye Growthspurt, Singed Poor Scoundrels
Lock Nar, Waaaaghton Redskins
Yengangarry, Didgeridead
Rumbles Montgomery III, Lupine Fiasco
Hawa "Roaring" Yegrova, Cloud 11 Stormbreakers
Tomay



Joined: Apr 26, 2008

Post   Posted: May 23, 2019 - 22:55 Reply with quote Back to top

Hall of Fame Entry: Griffon Gate Sentinels
https://fumbbl.com/p/team?op=view&team_id=761196
The Griffon Gate Sentinels revolutionised team based fluff in the SWL. With an exceptional biography meticulously maintained, a fantastic logo and a consistent, recognisable theme – the Sentinels became the benchmark for team pride. The team then went on to start the faction movement in the SWL by introducing the HEROES concept uniting the High Elf teams across the league. Though they celebrated all their decent players, the three main stars of the Sentinels were undoubtedly Iolas, Kantil and Falearn. The Sentinels amassed 139 games in the SWL and enjoyed some success with two Conference and a Regional championship(s). Their career finished at the conclusion of CRP with a record of 52/31/56.

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Join now and "Create a Legend"
Tomay



Joined: Apr 26, 2008

Post   Posted: May 23, 2019 - 08:41 Reply with quote Back to top

Sphinxes From Mars
https://fumbbl.com/p/team?team_id=717913
The Sphinxes will be most remembered for their brutal fouling, longevity and colourful team theme. While their record of 33/33/45 may not look fantastic, it is probably as good as a long term Khemri team could do in the CRP era. They did take out two Conference and a Regional title during their career as well as making a nuisance of themselves in the Premiership division on multiple occasions. Amongst a roster filled with brutal Tomb Guardians, it was Karma Man who became the most notorious; at one stage owning the all time fouling record, taking out numerous Twahnlow boots and memorably killing Foul Frank to claim the first Black Pearl. When you played the Sphinxes you knew that your team was going to be bashed and kicked mercilessly, but it was hard not to enjoy it with coach Luohghcra’s disarming personality. A fan favourite, the Sphinxes were amongst the most spectated teams in a golden era for SWL participation and engagement.

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Join now and "Create a Legend"
Tomay



Joined: Apr 26, 2008

Post   Posted: May 21, 2019 - 23:35 Reply with quote Back to top

Hall of Fame Entry: Blackwater Glee Club
https://fumbbl.com/p/team?op=view&team_id=752944
3 Peat! The Blackwater Glee Club won 3 straight Premierships toward the end of the CRP era, following it up by narrowly missing out on a 4th and then finishing runners up in the ASC – the final season of CRP. Clearly the Glee Club dominated the end of CRP. A team full of stars in their prime. A roster full of capable killers, two of the sexiest agile beastmen you could dream up all supported by the perfect mix of utility. Foad has always been a strong team builder, but the Glee Club probably fielded the most glorious roster to ever grace an SWL pitch.

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Join now and "Create a Legend"
Tomay



Joined: Apr 26, 2008

Post   Posted: May 21, 2019 - 05:55 Reply with quote Back to top

Hall of Fame Entry: Wäŋa Warriors
https://fumbbl.com/p/team?op=view&team_id=766950
The team to break the SWL’s Orc curse, the Warriors lifted the Premiership in season LXII and came close to following it up in Season LXV (finishing equal first but losing on countback to rivals Slumbering Skink). They also won 2 Conference and a Regional title(s). More impressive perhaps was that the Warriors won in an era featuring clawpomb killstacks with an old fashioned mark them up and grind them down style. Along with the first Orc premiership title, the Warriors will also be remembered for their media presence – coach DrDiscoStu providing unprecedented access to his game plans with video breakdowns of his philosophy and play.

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Join now and "Create a Legend"
MrCushtie



Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Mar 25, 2019 - 14:54 Reply with quote Back to top

Episode IV: A New Hope

The hubbub of the changing rooms dropped to silence as the coach returned. He cleared his throat, coughing up rather too much phlegm onto the floor in front of the makeshift stage.

"Ladyshape, gentlemen, goblins of indeterminate gender and all my fine female friends" he leered. Our third season in the Southern Wastes League was quite something, wasn't it?

"When we started the year and we seemed to be stuck in a temporal anomaly, I have to admit, I was worried. When our two finest players died, I was scared. When we had no money to pay for half-time rats-on-sticks for you all, I considered absconding with the petty cash. But never fear, we never had any petty cash last season anyway."

"What's an abscond?" Pinkeye Growthspurt whispered to Fructose Ovedose.

"It's a posh word for a scone."

"What's a scone?"

"It's like a not very good abscond, you dummy!"

The coach hawked up another block of phlegm. "But never did I give up hope. I always knew that you, my fine Scoundrels, you'd make good eventually. And we did - you finally didn't lose a match!"

"We didn't lose a match! We didn't lose a match!" The assembled throng began to cheer.

"Well, we did lose 6 matches, but there was one match where we didn't lose, so that counts" the coach hastily corrected himself. "And I'm happy to announce, with the rebuy for our fourth season complete and with Manshape turning professional, there's some other exciting changes to announce. A round of applause for Manshape!" The throng clapped and cheered, except for Ladyshape, who looked quite sad to no longer be the centre of attention.

"For one, you are finally getting the medical treatment in season that you deserve! Legneck has decided to retire from Blood Bowl, and has just qualified in record time from the Norscan University School Of Medicine, and he's taking up a new role as our chief medical officer!"

The cheering faded away. There was a faint sound of weeping from somewhere at the back.

"And just in case any of you still doubt his credentials, in the off-season Legneck reanimat- resuscitated Avo Smash Toastyflake, who's back to play for us again. Welcome back, Avo!"

Faint applause as the team's number one looney struggled to his feet. Strangely, he had a remarkably greenish tint to his face, even for a goblin.

"Now, I know what you're wondering - with Legneck wearing a big white coat and holding some tongue depressors, who's taking over pogo duty? Well, Legneck has volunteered his lovely wife, Mrs Legneck -"

"That looks a lot like Legneck's brother, in a wig!" yelled Fructose.

"- be that as it may, I want you all to extend her a warm welcome. And hot on her heels, we've realised it's unlucky to have somebody named 'Dizzy' spinning a ball and chain, so I present to you, the one and only, ... Bouncy Bouncy Slim Hammerhands!"

A truculent youth came in through the side door, heaving an enormous chrome bowling ball behind him.

"Vegemite Disaster is back in town, young Pinkeye there seems taller every day, and, last but not least, I'd like to unveil our new logo!"

An even greater hush fell over the team as the coach pulled a cord and the curtains behind him fell away, revealing a sparking, fizzing orange sign, glowing with an eldritch blue light. "Feast your eyes on that beauty!"

Image

"Cor!"

"Aah!"

"Wow!"

"Boss ... why do we have a sign for the Singed Poon Scoundrels? Is a Poon another kind of scone?"

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ramchop



Joined: Oct 12, 2013

Post   Posted: Mar 14, 2019 - 08:58
FUMBBL Staff
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The SWL LXXV Team Achievements

Regional:
Turns (1115): Aattaallii LavaBulls (SWL)
Completions (16): Morning Breakfast Cereal
TDs (15): Waaaaghton Redskins
Cas (32): Didgeridead
SPP (130): Didgeridead
Passing yards (59): Morning Breakfast Cereal
Rushing yards (229): Waaaaghton Redskins
Blocks (339): Waaaaghton Redskins
Fouls (48): Singed Poor Scoundrels
Blocks/Cas (10.2): Didgeridead
Pass/Cp (3.7): Morning Breakfast Cereal
Kills (4): Trial o Puppies n Fluffy Candy

Conferences:
Turns (1175): Blue Mountain Giants
Completions (22): Phoenix Academy Sharp Shooters
TDs (16): Phoenix Academy Sharp Shooters
Cas (26): Blue Mountain Giants
SPP (120): TingBuDong
Passing yards (44): Phoenix Academy Sharp Shooters
Rushing yards (256): Phoenix Academy Sharp Shooters
Blocks (360): Cryptic Cryptids
Fouls (36): Styx αnd Warpstones
Blocks/Cas (12.1): Unicorn Gunfight
Pass/Cp (6.0): Loec's Loggers
Kills (5): Blue Mountain Giants

Premier:
Turns (1088): [adult swim]
Completions (10): Wildwood Windlords
TDs (14): Immortalis Inquietus
Cas (34): Chrimean Chimera
SPP (137): Chrimean Chimera
Passing yards (32): Wildwood Windlords
Rushing yards (229): Immortalis Inquietus
Blocks (306): Da Lollipop Guild
Fouls (17): [adult swim]
Blocks/Cas (8.0): Chrimean Chimera
Pass/Cp (3.2): Wildwood Windlords
Kills (6): [adult swim]


Image The Unofficial Maester Whippy Dean Douglas Sundae
Image Socrates (Redgum's Rationalists) & Image Elmo (Trial o Puppies n Fluffy Candy) 24 spp


The SWL Season LXXV Awards

Regional:
Image Image Impak (Waaaaghton Redskins) 12 TDs
Image Image Manshape Gutwart (Singed Poor Scoundrels) 9 cas
Image Image Lock Nar (Waaaaghton Redskins) & ImageHappy Dancer (Waaaaghton Redskins) 113 turns
Image Image Impak (Waaaaghton Redskins) 198 rushing yards
Image Image Jade (Morning Breakfast Cereal) 49 pass yards
Image Image Pinkeye Growthspurt (Singed Poor Scoundrels) 23 fouls
Image Image Manshape Gutwart (Singed Poor Scoundrels) 65 blocks
Image Image Jade (Morning Breakfast Cereal) 12 cps
Image Image Leptobrachium Smithi III (Skye Hoppers!) 6 block/cas
Image Image Jade (Morning Breakfast Cereal) 4.09 pass/cp

Image Image Impak (Waaaaghton Redskins) 40 SPP


Conferences:
Image Image Hergal Goldbrew (Blue Mountain Giants) & ImageTaur'ruk (Bronzed Raiders) 7 TDs
Image Image Socrates (Redgum's Rationalists) 12 cas
Image Image Aenesidemus (Redgum's Rationalists) 115 turns
Image Image Hergal Goldbrew (Blue Mountain Giants) 206 rushing yards
Image Image Húbon (Phoenix Academy Sharp Shooters) 25 pass yards
Image Image Arethusa (Styx αnd Warpstones) 26 fouls
Image Image Salamoneus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 71 blocks
Image Image Húbon (Phoenix Academy Sharp Shooters) 16 cps
Image Image Jimmy (Haunted All-Sorts) 3.6 block/cas
Image Image Bohemian Rhaspberry (Brew Pub Brouhaha) 2.84 pass/cp

Image Image Salamoneus (Styx αnd Warpstones), Image Hergal Goldbrew (Blue Mountain Giants) & Image Socrates (Redgum's Rationalists) 24 spp


Premier:
Image Image Artoria Donatiana (Immortalis Inquietus) 9 TDs
Image Image Eamonn Everweep (Chrimean Chimera) 10 cas
Image Image Sakari Spawnrot (Chrimean Chimera) 113 turns
Image Image Henry Allen "Hank" Venture ([adult swim]) 189 rushing yards
Image Image Longbough (Wildwood Windlords) 32 pass yards
Image Image Servius Silius Globulus (Immortalis Inquietus) 10 fouls
Image Image Squanchy ([adult swim]) 58 blocks
Image Image Longbough (Wildwood Windlords) 7 cps
Image Image Eamonn Everweep (Chrimean Chimera) 4.1 block/cas
Image Image Longbough (Wildwood Windlords) 4.58 pass/cp

Image Image Artoria Donatiana (Immortalis Inquietus) 29 SPP


Last edited by ramchop on May 08, 2019 - 08:59; edited 1 time in total
MrCushtie



Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Feb 09, 2019 - 09:24 Reply with quote Back to top

One Man Line Of Scrimmage

Mixed emotions in the Scoundrels' dressing room after their most recent match: on the positive side, they've now scored as many times in this season as in the last two seasons combined. But sadly this was also Avo Smash Toast's final game with the team.

"Lads, in case you didn't see, Avo has gone to a better place" intoned the coach.

"Ooh, the Border Princes? That sounds lovely. Irene showed me the pictures from your holiday -"

"No, Bogan, Avo is not holidaying in the Border Princes. As I said, he's gone to a better place, a place from which no goblin returns -"

"But boss," interrupted Pinkeye, "he gets sent off every week. As soon as he stops being angry with the ref and spends a bit of time at the garden centre, he always stops sulking and comes back."

"Pinkeye, while I admire your youthful optimism, I'm pretty sure that you, just like everyone else, saw when his head was knocked off and his guts fell out. Avo is no longer with us. He is going to fail every breath test. He is a shrivelled corpse atop the rubbish dump next to the stadium, he is - "

Willy No-Mates stuck up his hand." Boss, you know we're not good with all these euphemisms and metaphors. What are you trying to tell us about Avo's holiday?"

"He's not on holiday, William. He's dead. Dead, dead, dead."

"But can't - I mean, why doesn't - how come Legneck doesn't just patch him up like you said he did with all those Norse students?"

"Ahem" said Legneck. "The problem with that plan, is that while the university afforded me a generous budget for sticking plasters, super glue, hatpins, necromantic potions and string, we can't afford any of those things. I'd love to put him back together, but the fact is, we're broke."

"How much can it cost to put Avo back together? Surely any price is worth paying for our topiary-loving leader!"

"Well first, I'm your leader, not some hipster who likes poncey breakfasts. And second, about 40,000 gold pieces, which we have about half of right now. And no, Pinkeye, before you start with any more juvenile witterings and I know you're thinking them, Ladyshape, Bogan and Irene are not doing a "bikini cartwash", whatever that is. They're people, not objects to be pawed at by some oik with a carriage with racing stripes on the sides."

There was a general hubbub of discontent in the room. For the last two seasons, the Scoundrels had maintained a comprehensive health plan for the team, but with tightened budgets and two recent deaths, many of the goblins were feeling insecure.

"But on the bright side, lads, we have new sponsors! The men from Proctological Procedure & Gamble have been in touch."

"The who?"

"No, The Who are some longhaired minstrels from Albion. You must have heard of Proctological Procedure & Gamble!"

"I bet it's something about sticking a finger up your -"

"Pinkeye! They're thr manufacturers of I Can't Believe It's Not Blubber, the number one bestselling substitute blubber substitute in Lustria!"

"Who needs a [i]substitute[\i] blubber substitute?"

"Well obviously, we do. Did you not notice how well Fructose was dodging past those Ogres when he scored?"

"Well, yeah, but then the loudmouthed git fell over trying to take down that snotling who had the ball and we lost."

"Exactly. Because by then, all the blubber substitute we'd been using on him must have come off. But I Can't Believe It's Not Blubber is guaranteed to stay slimy for a full 90 minutes, and we've got free supplies for the rest of the season, in return for the odd promotional appearance."

"An odder appearance than Fructose?"

"I don't know what that means. Now start slathering it on!
MrCushtie



Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jan 30, 2019 - 03:46 Reply with quote Back to top

One Man Line Of Scrimmage

This season, in One Man Line Of Scrimmage, a new series that the paper will be running after as many matches as possible, the reporters from the Hotfoot Herald were granted exclusive, candid and in-depth access to one of the foremost teams in the Southern Waste League's Regional division. Unfortunately, the paperwork got muddled up and we sent them to the Scoundrels's changing rooms instead. Read on for exclusive coverage of the team's post-match briefing:

"Lads, it's deja vu all over again."

"Deja who?" Fructose asked.

"'E woz a Bretonnian Ogre, Fructose." Legneck tried to explain. "Saw' im once, smelt of garlic, had three arms."

"A mutant Bretonnian?" asked Fructose.

"No, he'd just bitten the third arm off some geezer. I distinctly remember it, he was - "

"What's an ogre got to do with anything? Those orcs had a Troll -"

Ladyshape and Manshape both began to growl.

"Fructose!" Avo shouted. "You know we don't use the t-word here!"

While the two largest members of the team continued to seethe Fructose blushed and started stammering. "S-s-sorry, Ladyshape, 'gentle-forest-person-with-elegant-habits'."

"You finished?" the coach grumbled. "I'm not talking about some pasta-eating ponce from Bretonnia -"

"Tilea" said Legneck. "Pasta is from Tilea. Those Bretonnians only eat snails."

"Ooh, I'd love some snails to eat" pitched in Bogan Picnic. "They sound right sophisticated."

"Nothing but posh slugs, love" retorted Fructose, trying to gather his self confidence again.

"I'm not your love" spat Bogan, adjusting her mini skirt. "And you can stop treating me like some kind of object. I'm a proper person, with feelings you know. And what's more, this is an equal-opportunities team, and I think you don't give us ladies enough respect!"

Ladyshape made a booming sound of agreement.

"Leave it out, Bogan" said Pinkeye. "You're giving it all that feminist chat now, but where were you last night?"

"Whatchyou mean?"

"Well, there wasn't much female solidarity when that geezer with the ball knocked Irene into the middle of next week, was there? You were too busy grinning and smiling at that Fungus, just cause he's a Star Player or some such claptrap."

"Me and Fungus are very good friends, and -"

"Stop!!!" the coach screamed, stamping his foot. "It's bad enough that I spend a fortune getting that pumped up pumpkin of a so-called 'star player' to come and attend our match -"

"Do you mean the bloke that hit your girlfriend in the face with his massive balls?"

"Ball! Fructose! That lovely lady is my fiancee, not my 'girlfriend'! What do you think I am, a schoolboy? For the last time, he hit Irene in the face with his massive ball! It's enough work trying to manage you unskilled reprobates without your schoolyard innuendo! And if one more of you morons asks what an innuendo is, I'll get Manshape to give you one! Now quiet!"

A hush fell across the assembled goblins. Had the coach just announced he was marrying Irene?

"I've been looking. Clearly, we're acting under some kind of curse. Every game we've played this season has been exactly the same as the game we played last season. You had that temporary anenome and played the Denizens by accident? Well, it wasn't an accident, was it? Is it any accident that you lost 2-0? The exact same score as the first game you played last season?

"And then what happened yesterday? You lost 5-1, just the same as the second game of last season. I can't believe you idiots! We had a chance to go down in history as the first team to have a flawless record in the Southern Waste Regionals, and then one of you, yes, Bogan, I'm looking at you, persuaded Ladyshape to throw you in the air and then run into the end zone with the ball."

"Isn't that what we're meant to be doing?" Bogan was confused.

"Not at the price of our place in the history books, you wretched little gimlet! I'm beginning to wish we'd never hired you! Or fired you and then rehired you just because you had an extra fancy new hat!"

"It's a pretty good hat, you have to say" Legneck interjected.

"Legneck, enough! Aren't you meant to be studying for your medical exams?"

Legneck withdrew to the back of the room, dragging his pogo stick behind him.

"Now listen, and listen hard. We're cursed, ladies and gentlemen, and the only way to break this curse, is to not lose 2-0 to the next team. That shouldn't be too hard, it's a 'Trial of Puppies and Candy' according to the schedule. Probably more of those nancy boy elves. Now get back to training!"
ramchop



Joined: Oct 12, 2013

Post   Posted: Dec 20, 2018 - 22:12
FUMBBL Staff
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The SWL LXXIV Team Achievements

Regional:
Turns (1170): Blue Mountain Giants
Completions (16): Yeast Lords
TDs (18): Yeast Lords
Cas (26): Didgeridead
SPP (135): Yeast Lords
Passing yards (51): Yeast Lords
Rushing yards (202): Yeast Lords
Blocks (384): Blue Mountain Giants
Fouls (64): Singed Poor Scoundrels
Blocks/Cas (8.7): North Cape Crays
Pass/Cp (4.9): Haunted All-Sorts
Kills (6): Singed Poor Scoundrels

Conferences:
Turns (1162): Da Lollipop Guild
Completions (21): Phoenix Academy Sharp Shooters
TDs (14): Belfast Black Rats
Cas (36): Chrimean Chimera
SPP (142): Chrimean Chimera
Passing yards (58): Phoenix Academy Sharp Shooters
Rushing yards (242): Unicorn Gunfight
Blocks (427): Da Lollipop Guild
Fouls (16): Unicorn Gunfight
Blocks/Cas (7.9): Chrimean Chimera
Pass/Cp (4.4): Redgum's Rationalists
Kills (4): Beyond the Sunset & Da Lollipop Guild

Premier:
Turns (1126): [adult swim]
Completions (19): Wildwood Windlords
TDs (24): Wildwood Windlords
Cas (21): Pugs Not Drugs
SPP (146): Wildwood Windlords
Passing yards (60): Wildwood Windlords
Rushing yards (337): Wildwood Windlords
Blocks (343): Cryptic Cryptids
Fouls (38): Cryptic Cryptids
Blocks/Cas (12.0): Bravado
Pass/Cp (5.3): Blackwater Cockfighters
Kills (2): 4 teams on 2 kills.


Image The Unofficial Maester Whippy Dean Douglas Sundae
Image Forest Bark (North Cape Crays) 22 spp


The SWL Season LXXIV Awards

Regional:
Image Image Hergal Goldbrew (Blue Mountain Giants) 7 TDs
Image Image Forest Bark (North Cape Crays) 11 cas
Image Image Flint Warmantle (Blue Mountain Giants) 114 turns
Image Image Hergal Goldbrew (Blue Mountain Giants) 163 rushing yards
Image Image Nebula (Haunted All-Sorts) 34 pass yards
Image Image Arethusa (Styx αnd Warpstones) 17 fouls
Image Image Salamoneus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 91 blocks
Image Image Tragynus III (Yeast Lords) 8 cps
Image Image Hundie (Haunted All-Sorts) 5.88 block/cas
Image Image Nebula (Haunted All-Sorts) 5.67 pass/cp

Image Image Salamoneus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 29 SPP


Conferences:
Image Image Freezie Pop (Unicorn Gunfight) 9 TDs
Image Image Eamonn Everweep (Chrimean Chimera) 9 cas
Image Image Strongboi (Calithonian Cynegeticus) 115 turns
Image Image Ku-Klip (Da Lollipop Guild) 169 rushing yards
Image Image Ólerydon (Phoenix Academy Sharp Shooters) 49 pass yards
Image Image Rainbow Prairie Doggo (Unicorn Gunfight) 12 fouls
Image Image Major Mite (Da Lollipop Guild) 75 blocks
Image Image Ólerydon (Phoenix Academy Sharp Shooters) 14 cps
Image Image Mouse Haus (Beyond the Sunset) 2.75 block/cas
Image Image Centrolene Ilex II (Skye Hoppers!) 4.67 pass/cp

Image Image Freezie Pop (Unicorn Gunfight) 29 SPP


Premier:
Image Image Vilot Voom (Wildwood Windlords) 9 TDs
Image Image Chocolate (Pugs Not Drugs) & Image Dean Martin (Bravado) 6 cas
Image Image Orobon (Cryptic Cryptids), Image Ninki Nanka (Cryptic Cryptids) & Image Beast of Busco (Cryptic Cryptids) 116 turns
Image Image Cotton Candy (Pugs Not Drugs) 155 rushing yards
Image Image Longbough (Wildwood Windlords) 61 pass yards
Image Image Michael "Belt" Hutchence (Pugs Not Drugs) 16 fouls
Image Image Dean Venture ([adult swim]) 67 blocks
Image Image Longbough (Wildwood Windlords) 13 cps
Image Image Fakhir Faefever (Pugs Not Drugs) 2.34 block/cas
Image Image Longbough (Wildwood Windlords) 4.69 pass/cp

Image Image Vilot Voom (Wildwood Windlords) 29 SPP


Last edited by ramchop on May 09, 2019 - 09:14; edited 2 times in total
D_Arquebus



Joined: Aug 02, 2003

Post   Posted: Nov 15, 2018 - 08:42 Reply with quote Back to top

Lab equiqment sabotaged! A whole new GENeration left to be flushed down the toile... erm, disposed of in an environmentally sound way....!

The smell of burning electronical gear permeated the room as coach D_Arquebus was left to ponder... was it really just that "fear was an option"....?

Fear of the indefatigable commish and his indomitable 'Admin-client'... fear that Rock would indeed for once "Tear Paper and Win"...

...the result was the same... a new team performance enhanci... erm... refreshing, yes refreshing... brew was put on the bunsen and a reschedule to next week...

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Balle2000



Joined: Sep 25, 2008

Post   Posted: Oct 18, 2018 - 16:43 Reply with quote Back to top

*background music runs*

I said a hop hop
Hoppie to the hoppie
The hop, hop a hop, and you don't stop


*presenter's voice-over*

Today's program is brought to you in association with Crikey.

The brand for all your bipedian amphibian needs.



Image
ramchop



Joined: Oct 12, 2013

Post   Posted: Oct 09, 2018 - 11:36
FUMBBL Staff
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The SWL LXXIII Team Achievements

Regional:
Turns (1173): Tall Hat Toughnuts
Completions (13): Skye Hoppers!
TDs (16): Chrimean Chimera
Cas (32): Chrimean Chimera
SPP (147): Chrimean Chimera
Passing yards (40): Skye Hoppers!
Rushing yards (248): Loec's Loggers
Blocks (359): Chrimean Chimerad
Fouls (24): Singed Poor Scoundrels
Blocks/Cas (11.6): Chrimean Chimera
Pass/Cp (3.3): Loec's Loggers
Kills (5): Ramalangadingdong

Conferences:
Turns (1140): [adult swim]
Completions (17): Yeast Lords
TDs (23): Wildwood Windlords
Cas (28): Cryptic Cryptids
SPP (153): Wildwood Windlords
Passing yards (69): Ratty Old Elves
Rushing yards (295): Belfast Black Rats
Blocks (344): Waaaaghton Redskins
Fouls (37): Cryptic Cryptids
Blocks/Cas (10.3): Bravado
Pass/Cp (4.9): Wildwood Windlords
Kills (7): Redgum's Rationalists

Premier:
Turns (1083): Unicorn Gunfight
Completions (13): Dean Park Rangers
TDs (11): Pugs Not Drugs
Cas (22): Unicorn Gunfight
SPP (102): Pugs Not Drugs
Passing yards (62): Dean Park Rangers
Rushing yards (224): Unicorn Gunfights
Blocks (349): Unicorn Gunfight
Fouls (23): Unicorn Gunfight
Blocks/Cas (15.8): Immortalis Inquietus
Pass/Cp (4.8): Dean Park Rangers
Kills (4): East Farkner Journeymens Club


Image The Unofficial Maester Whippy Dean Douglas Sundae
Image Socrates (Redgum's Rationalists) 16 spp


The SWL Season LXXIII Awards

Regional:
Image Image Sakari Spawnrot (Chrimean Chimera) 11 TDs
Image Image Lach Legionellosis (Chrimean Chimera) 11 cas
Image Five players tied - we've run out of bronze hearts, sorry 114 turns
Image Image Sakari Spawnrot (Chrimean Chimera) 191 rushing yards
Image Image Centrolene Ilex II (Skye Hoppers!) 18 pass yards
Image Image Mogarak (Ramalangadingdong) 10 fouls
Image Image Lach Legionellosis (Chrimean Chimera) & Image Hokomate (☠Refreshingly Dead☠) 68 blocks
Image Image Unbaranga (Goonbongburra Windjammers) & Image Aphrael (Elenium) 6 cps
Image Image Kalam Mekher (Goonbongburra Windjammers) 2.67 block/cas
Image Image Centrolene Ilex II (Skye Hoppers!) 3.6 pass/cp

Image Image Sakari Spawnrot (Chrimean Chimera) 35 SPP


Conferences:
Image Image Emily Snakefield (Bravado) 11 TDs
Image Image Dean Venture ([adult swim]) 11 cas
Image Image Gobslag Tango (Bravado) & ImageEmily Snakefield (Bravado) 115 turns
Image Image Impak (Waaaaghton Redskins) 166 rushing yards
Image Image Ochraceiventer (Ratty Old Elves) 57 pass yards
Image Image REALiTi (Beyond the Sunset) 17 fouls
Image Image Wychwethyl (Wildwood Windlords) & Image Lance (Calithonian Cynegeticus) 81 blocks
Image Image Ochraceiventer (Ratty Old Elves) 13 cps
Image Image Dean Venture ([adult swim]) & Image Henry Allen "Hank" Venture ([adult swim]) 6 block/cas
Image Image Marlerok (Evil Moon Rising) 8.34 pass/cp

Image Image Impak (Waaaaghton Redskins) 34 SPP


Premier:
Image Image Cotton Candy (Pugs Not Drugs) 7 TDs
Image Image The Ur-Nugget (Unicorn Gunfight) 8 cas
Image Image Arf' Arf'an'Arf (Lab Rat Elysium) 110 turns
Image Image Baron von Kitemonger (Unicorn Gunfight) 174 rushing yards
Image Image Stev'o Yunge (Dean Park Rangers) 70 pass yards
Image Image Ulric Dirtytree (Unicorn Gunfight) 15 fouls
Image Image Rainbow Pudding (Unicorn Gunfight) 68 blocks
Image Image Stev'o Yunge (Dean Park Rangers) 8 cps
Image Image The Ur-Nugget (Unicorn Gunfight) 6.13 block/cas
Image Image Stev'o Yunge (Dean Park Rangers) 8.75 pass/cp

Image Image Cotton Candy (Pugs Not Drugs) 21 SPP
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