Joined: Aug 10, 2018
Jul 01, 2020 - 07:18
SWL DEATH WATCH LXXXII WEEK THREE
"Bob, where are all the flashing lights from the Death Watch banner?"
"We seem to have a problem with the Underworld Armour sponsorship, Jim. They're claiming all the footwear-related calamities are making them look bad."
"Well, a contract is a contract, Bob. Let's stick to the deaths and see about legal arguments later."
"You're right, we shouldn't waste time on those bloodsuckers -"
"I mean lawyers, Jim, not your sort -"
"Well, in that case, let's get to:"
Fleur Delacour, a flower blown away in the mighty wind of Jordell Freshbreeze. Human Blitzer, 7 SPP.
"So what you're saying, is elves fart?"
Zharta, no longer a starter after meeting Moolgrur. Chaos Dwarf Hobgoblin , 0 SPP.
"From fart to zhart and -"
"Bob, you're just belabouring things now."
Brisa, no happier after being hit by Grumpy. Underworld Goblin, 0 SPP.
"That Mr Consistency Award is in JPM's grasp. Every week, another goblin gets sacrificed to Nuffle, and the team keeps on going."
"I'm glad it's just rookie goblins."
"Easy for you to say, you're an ogre."
Albert Silentstream, cut off in mid-flow by Ensem The Prime. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
Pimiente, bitten in the ankles by Chihuahua. Elf Catcher, 1 SPP.
"A spicy little ground blitz there by the plucky young fella, eh?"
Doctor Nitrus Brio, had all his brio removed by Bel-Gedir The Powerful. Underworld Goblin 0 SPP.
"Two underworld goblins in one week? And both so experienced!"
Kuzco, left in pieces, left in Disgust. Chaos Chaos Warrior, 19 SPP.
"Do you have a stutter, Bob?"
"No, J-j-jim, it's just those Chaos Chaos Warriors..."
Fukuoka Asereje, given some unusual pelvic floor exercises by Rod Ketels. Wood Elf Lineman, 1 SPP.
"And there I was thinking Ketels was named after that Kislevite rotgut. You learn a new thing every day..."
Crumble, fell apart after a topping of Boysenberry Swirl. Necromantic Wight, 10 SPP.
"Well, Jim, a frankly disappointing haul this week. When the highlight of the week is a semi-skilled Chaos Warrior eating the dirt, you wonder why we bother looking at these deaths."
"Cheer up Bob, because next week we have a special guest."
"A special guest?"
"Yes, and I'll give you a hint - he's a two-faced rat who smells of fish. And he's going to help us present the week four 'trophies'!"
"I, er... don't get it."
"Never mind. Anything else before we go?"
"Well, there is the Curse of the Death Watch to review..."
"Not this again."
Curse Of The Death Watch This Season
The following killers have been injured:
Morty Smith 1 kill. Smashed Knee
Balloon Animalist. 1 kill. Dead
Andy Hayden. 1 kill. Pinched Nerve
Wasabi. 1 kill. Dead
Pus. 1 kill. Smashed Ankle
Felix. 1 kill. Fractured Leg
Ivanka Trump. 1 kill. Smashed Hand
The Scientist. 1 kill. Dead
Xenopus Laevis IIIII. 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Gut Vomit. 1 kill. Smashed Hip
Fliff Funston, 1 kill. Fractured Arm
And after that list of injuries, and the parade of the broken, stay tuned for the predictions of where the season will end up - three weeks in, some of those awards are almost won!
SWL DEATH WATCH PREDICTIONS
You Can Dish It Out But Can You Take It Butter Dish for the team that inflicts the highest number of serious injuries and deaths, while suffering the least itself. Didgeridead are head and dusty shoulders above the competition at the moment, having inflicted 9 serious injuries and deaths, and only suffering two in return (both on the same player, in the same match!)
The You Can Take It But Can You Dish It Out Butter Dish for the team with the highest casualty rate and the lowest number of kills and serious injuries: surprisingly close between Top Trumps, a rookie elf team, and Flack Ork Flockers, who we expected to be meting out the carnage, not having it inflicted upon them. Three hard matches against Khemri, Lizardmen, and ... er. Skaven have left the greenskinned boys black and blue...
The Delicately My Dear Kid Gloves, for the team that damaged the least number of opposing players. We predicted an elf team to be the easy shoe-in for this, but with the Blue Mountain Giants equal on inflicted injuries thus far, it's clear this could be the season to defy all expectations... Will there be a stunty on top by the end of week 7?
Freshly introduced for last season, the Massively Patronising "It's Called Blood Bowl For A Reason!" Bowl is a shameful utensil given to the team that provided the least entertainment. Three weeks in and we're shocked to see that Salute of the Jugger have achieved absolutely zip in three weeks. Come on, you monsters, get a move on!
The Glass Cannon Glass Cannon, for the team that suffered the most injuries while injuring more players than anyone else did, looks to be between two Chaos sides: Malice Renegades! and More Food For Thawt, while the third hard hitting Chaos team, everyone's Regional favourites the Real Fake Alternative Facts are out of the running, so far impervious to injury...
The Gastrotheca Riobambae III Commemorative Squashed Freddo awarded to the player who's suffered most this season in the name of Nuffle. A disappointing showing here, as every player who suffered the maximum two injuries by week 3 has died, limiting their ability to collect more points towards the Freddo, with the exception of Walleybudda, and the joke entry, Helmut Wulf.
And of course, the Terrifying Chamberpot Of Certain Doom, which goes to the player responsible for the most deaths this season. 33 players have killed one other player this season, but the shoelaces have already taken 3 lives. It's going to be hard for anyone to catch up with that lead (or persuade Underworld Armour to renew their contract!)
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
Jun 24, 2020 - 06:01
Late breaking special
(definitely not that the Death Watch goblins were sleeping on the job and forgot to tune in to the Fish Oil Conference:
Ronny, failed dodge. Norse Berserker, 1 SPP.
"Good to see that fan favourite Shoelaces was active this week after all - I was worried he was losing his (fatal) touch!"
Hot Cross, sliced up by Albert. Undead Ghoul, 38 SPP.
Helmut Wulf, doesn't have big eyes or a mouth or anything after a block by Ogingi. Helmut Wulf, 0 SPP.
Pete the Strenuous Garfighter of Stug, f-f-f-f-fouled by Fliff Funston. Skaven Gutter Runner, 19 SPP.
Phew. Glad we got those guys fitted in, even if there were some joke names like Albert and Ronny there. Better update the parade of injuries too:
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
Jun 23, 2020 - 22:50
SWLDEATHWATCHSEASONLXXXII WEEK TWO
"Welcome back to the Death Watch, and it's been a busy couple of weeks for us. With SWL LXXXII providing a total of 82 deaths and serious injuries in the first two rounds, we've been busy tabulating, counting, and mopping up pieces of players. Things haven't been this violent since SWL LXXVIII, when there was a record-breaking 51 breakages in one round, due to large contributions from Styx & Warpstones and TingBuDong. Instead of dwelling on past glories, let's leap right into this week's litany of destruction!"
"Wasn't that a Metallicaaargh album, Jim?"
"Bob, there's no time for musical criticism, it's time for:"
Aora, Block by Kharon The Devoted. Underworld Goblin , 0 SPP.
"Last week it was Astyoche, this week it's Aora. I don't know which is getting shorter - the names of goblins, or their lifespans."
"Well, it's good to see some consistency round here. Will JPM make it a triple next week?"
Benny, the Vintner, lost his bottle after a hit by Giles. Norse Berserker, 32 SPP.
"And that spillage is one of the biggest this week. Who'd have thought a scantily clad Norseman would last so long?"
STAR PLAYERS ARE BAD FOR YOUR ELF
Sugar snap, snapped in half alright by Prince Moranion. Wood Elf Wardancer, 9 SPP.
"That was a nasty hit - Sugar snap went for the sack, then Prince Moranion made him fade to black."
"Yes, and it warmed my heart to see the apothecary coming out of his dugout, then just shaking his head and wandering off again."
"You're a horrible person, aren't you Bob?"
"That's right, Jim."
Wasabi, no more than a poorly-remembered burning sensation after a foul by Roxanna Darknail. Wood Elf Wardancer, 9 SPP.
"And that's the Curse of the Death Watch showing up early this week, Jim. Remember Astyoche from last week?"
"Nobody remembered him until you brought him up a minute ago."
"Well, Wasabi's not going to be killing any more goblins, is he?"
"I'm sure the 'Stones will remember that with gratitude when they meet the Facts later this season..."
TRIPLE DOWN EXTRAVAGANZA
"Anyway, I'm glad you're not disputing the Curse this week, Jim, because here's a great example of it:"
Dusdin Gnaws II, blocked by The Scientist. Skaven Lineman, 2 SPP.
The Scientist, blocked by Dusdin Gnaws II. Nurgle Rotter, 2 SPP.
"That double down disaster saw both players collect 2 SPP posthumously, while the same medical genius employed by Trees and Peas earlier this week washed his hands of any responsibility for Dusdin Gnaws."
"Well, you should always wash your hands after a Nurgle match."
"And that's not all! In this festival of self destruction, one of our best loved star players also took himself off the pitch:
Max Spleenripper, ate his own chainsaw. Max Spleenripper, 0 SPP.
ELF SECTION PART TWO
Mark "Cowboy" Shaw, blocked by Hokey Pokey. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"I guess the only thing sweeter than the sorrow of seeing a rookie elf go is the taste of Hokey Pokey..."
Bouilloires Glenmorangie, doesn't really matter that his name is unpronouceable after a bite from Chocolate. Wood Elf Lineman, 9 SPP.
"... apart from delicious chocolate. What is it with elves and dessert?"
"Their just desert, more like."
"You can't just have dessert, Jim! You'll rot your teeth!"
Gelidus Rimewood, run over by a massive Laurie. Dark Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
Genor Hinge, taken off his hinges by Sordid. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP. "Is that a euphemism for something? - No, Bob, please don't tell me!"
"Come back next week for a first look at contenders for the Gastrotheca Riobambae III Commemorative Squashed Freddo, as we rampage into week 3 of the season!
Damaged and dead players this week:
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
Jun 16, 2020 - 23:50
SWL DEATH WATCH SEASON LXXXII
"And we're back, after a long break since SWL LXXXI supplied some of the biggest hits and most violent endings since, well, SWL LXXX! This is the biggest opening week for Death Watch in at least six seasons, so after thanking our returning sponsors, Underworld Armour for continuing their support, we're going to dive straight in to the casualty report!"
"That green is a bit painful on the eyes, Bob."
"Yes, but we're contractually obliged to have mind-bendingly horrible neon green in every Death Watch report from now on."
"And now, without any further delay, let's start with two winners of spurious awards from the Brockian Brown Bandits:"
Not seen you around here before award
The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal, made to feel more than a little bit sick by Gut Vomit. Skaven Rat Ogre, 0 SPP.
Glorious. The first Rat Ogre in recorded history to die, and what a fine individual."
"Well, having managed to hurt nobody at all in his first 4 games, maybe the Beast was considering a career choice anyway."
This isn't your first rodeo award
Kirp the Lamuellan Fisher, sent on a permanent fishing trip by Azuk. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
"For a zero SPP lineman, he seems awfully familiar."
"Ah, Bob, you're thinking of Kirp the Lamuellan Fisher. Totally different guy."
"Also dead. But no, I meant Kirp the Lamuellan Fisher. Having been killed three times, maybe he should think about changing his name."
"How about 'Lucky'?"
"Speaking of luck, how's about:"
Mekal, Bomb by Bomber Dribblesnot. Nurgle Pestigor, 43 SPP.
"Second best player of the week, and probably the best death we've seen in ages. There's nothing better than seeing old Dribblesnot throw a bomb as far as he can, and kill somebody who thought by standing that far back he was safe."
"Well, apart from watching that player fail to regenerate."
"Jim! As a vampire, I thought you'd be on the side of those death-dodging freaks."
"Don't talk dirty, Bob."
Dr. Brian, won't be available for any more appointments after a block by Borrl. Orc Lineman, 10 SPP.
"Do you think he saw the apo?"
"What's an apo do, Bob?"
Balloon Animalist, tripped over and died while trying to GFI. Goblin Doom Diver, 51 SPP.
"Now I know ST3 doom divers never live forever, but MA7 ones failing to GFI? What's going on with the world?"
"I can tell you what it is, Jim. Ballon Animalist killed Megophrys Nasuta IIIIII, and a few weeks later, the Curse came a-calling!"
"I know what Curse I believe in, Bob. The Curse Of Never Being Able to Stop Hearing You Talking About The Curse Of The Death Watch!"
"It's true, Jim. How about Morty Smith? Killed Umthi the Damned start of last season, got his knee smashed this week. Coincidence? I think not."
"Yes Bob, because it's so surprising to see an Orc Lineman get injured in this sport..."
"Just wait and see, Jim. I reckon the Curse is going to be in full operation this season. Just you wait and see..."
STUPID NAME SECTION
Kevin Hassett, Block by Hannah Abbott. High Elf Lineman, 2 SPP.
"You know Jim, I read that and I'm just disappointed. I thought we went through this last season with coaches being told not to put joke names on their rosters. And once again, some clowns are ruining the noble sport of Blood Bowl for everyone with these childish antics."
"Well said, Bob, well said. Next up..."
Terry Boot, won't need any footwear after a block by Ivanka Trump. Human Thrower, 8 SPP.
"Oh come on, Jim! It's just as bad. For a start, the Boot family are a beloved group of Hobgoblins, not some soft handed humans who just throw balls around. And Ivanka Trump? What stupid name is that? What's next, Ivuckter Sister?"
END OF STUPID NAME SECTION
Astyoche, seasoned by Wasabi. Underworld Goblin , 0 SPP.
"That's better. Of course, I thought wasabi was something you smeared on food, not somebody who smeared goblins across the pitch."
"Well, you learn a new thing every day, Bob."
Paedophryne Amauensis II, failed going for it. Slann Catcher, 38 SPP.
"Well, that's two sets of shoelace-related mishaps this week. Although I'm sure our sponsors Underworld Armour have nothing to do with it -"
"Bob, that colour really hurts my eyes. Can you stop pronouncing it like that?"
"What, Underworld Armour, you mean?"
"Stop it, Bob! For the love of Nuffle!"
Tosia Trina, went surfing, never came back. Dark Elf Lineman, 12 SPP.
"Good to see the crowd getting involved again. News this week just in, the Stu Wilson Audience Participation Award might be extended to not just throwing rocks this season. Watch this space!"
Caillen Calder, scalded by Kevin Walters. Dark Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Pretty sure that one should be in the stupid name section as well, Jim."
Timmy Thorn II, removed by Hubert. Wood Elf Thrower, 6 SPP.
"Not a great week for elves, eh Jim?"
"Well, with four deaths and ten serious injuries, they have enough damaged players to make a full team. But I'm sure that just means we got all the elf injuries out the way for the season, and those pointy-eared freaks can feel safe for the next six weeks."
"Too right, Jim. Now let's just say goodbye to all our viewers, with the fan favourite parade of broken players from this week!"
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
Jun 15, 2020 - 08:42
SWL DEATH WATCH PREDICTIONS
While we wait for the Blood Crag Stripes to finish their first game of the season, it's time for some more ill-thought out predictions about who's going to take the most pain this time around, and who's going home with some coveted silverware.
You Can Dish It Out But Can You Take It Butter Dish for the team that inflicts the highest number of serious injuries and deaths, while suffering the least itself. Salute of the Jugger, easing into the Conferences with more Guard than any reasonable person would ever take on their roster, are likely to be a strong contender, as long as their big guys keep on hitting. Or could it be the Bronzed Raiders, keen to get a proper prize like this one after having to make do with less exciting trophies for the last couple of seasons?
The You Can Take It But Can You Dish It Out Butter Dish for the team with the highest casualty rate and the lowest number of kills and serious injuries: last season we thought it would be stunties wrestling over this one, but it was Amazons. With the lovely ladies conspicuous by their absence this year, we're predicting Barking Up The Right Tree to suffer the vile depredations of the Conferences, that place where elves go to die and Mighty Blow reigns supreme. (Or so I'm told - none of the staff here at Death Watch Central have ever visited.)
The Delicately My Dear Kid Gloves, for the team that damaged the least number of opposing players. We're not saying we're biassed against Elves, but we figure in a division with Dwarfs and Nurgle, Piquante Peppers and the Harlequins will be wrestling over this. If they get lucky in their match ups against the more fragile Underworld and Skaven, things might be different, but right now, expect those gloves to be worn by an elf by the ens of the season...
Freshly introduced for last season, the Massively Patronising "It's Called Blood Bowl For A Reason!" Bowl is a shameful utensil given to the team that provided the least entertainment. (And by entertainment, we mean deaths and injuries given and received. Don't be like the Food Truck Collective last year, get stuck in!) It's really much too insulting to predict any of the teams this season are going to bore us. Give it six weeks and see how we feel.
The Glass Cannon Glass Cannon, for the team that suffered the most injuries while injuring more players than anyone else did, sometimes confused with winning both Butter Dishes at once by those of you who fail to read the small print. Interested in a side bet? Maybe Grod's new vampires will snatch this one, by injuring as many of their own team as possible.
The Gastrotheca Riobambae III Commemorative Squashed Freddo awarded to the player who's suffered most this season in the name of Nuffle. This season, Tomb Guardians and Rotters alike will be excited to hear that injuries from Decay are also valid, giving some lucky player the chance to collect a niggle, three stat drops and a death in one season if they can manage it. With Redgum's Repugnance a last-minute addition to the Conferences, we're betting a woefully underprepared Rotter can get his one remaining hand on this badge by the end of the season.
And last and definitely not least, the Terrifying Chamberpot Of Certain Doom, which goes to the player responsible for the most deaths this season. The smart money, as ever, goes to Shoelaces for all the failed dodges and GFIs that make up so much of why people keep watching Blood Bowl. Angry noises from our proud sponsors Underworld Armour indicate we might have to award it to an actual player this year, but it will be hard to come close to the power of the cursed footwear. Can anyone do it?
Last edited by MrCushtie on Jun 23, 2020 - 22:17; edited 2 times in total
Joined: Oct 12, 2013
The presentation of this season's All Star scrolls was marred, as usual, but a demonstration led by a throng of disgruntled players. In a innovative development, there were two conflicting protests about who should have won . The first, consisting entirely of players from the Premiership, peeved to have been overlooked for glory. The protest, a mob of orcs, Dark Elfs and Khemri, was led by no less a luminary than Impak, grumbling that he deserved more recognition.
They collided outside SWL HQ with the Real Fake Alternative Facts, holding a banner declaring they were the true eleven superstars of the league. Unsubstantiated rumours of a third protest led by underappreciated Gutter Runners were clearly baseless, as everyone knows giant rat men don't exist.
Seeing the chance to cause more unrest from the sidelines, the usual troublemakers, Messrs Socrates and Growthspurt, started a chant of "You should want to retire! Your stats are dire!" before, as usual, the planned festivities degenerated into traditional fisticuffs as underachieving All Stars grappled with untrue Superstars, skinks stole top hats from four legged freaks and a loud squeaking sound from the sewers made everyone feel quite unwell. The All Star committee swiftly relocated to a local tavern to present the following scrolls:
All-Stars Season LXXXI
Adding a second SWL Championship ring to cap off his illustrious career, Gharzth Bronzehelm led the Bronzed Raiders to the top of the table in one of toughest SWL Premier campaigns in recent memory. He certainly couldn't measure up to Big T's stature without wearing an enormous hat, but with it, this vicious shortarse from the Raiders was another menace in the Prem this season. Early criticism that he could badly hurt people but not do any serious damage was dispelled mid season. A capacity crowd went wild to see him break Pop Rocks' ankle in the middle of the season, leaving the Pug's charming golem one of the few players slower than this Chaos Dwarf Blocker. With a 63-game carreer that included 34 casualties, including 6 in his last season Gharzath was the driving force behind the Raiders as they wrapped up the honours with a game to spare.
Waaaaghton Redskins haven't had a rep on the All Stars since Impak finished his amazing run of five on the trot ending in season 77. However it wasn't the big blitzer who impressed in the Redskins' return to Prem, it was B.I.G. The massive Black Orc caused more damage than any other in the top division. As big as a troll and twice as ugly, the winner of The Replacemnt Knuckles proved these greenskins aren't a one orc machine. Understandable then that he put his big hand out for a similar big bonus. Did he really want to retire, or was it a big bluff and a big mistake?
In previous eras minotaurs were a rarity in the All Stars. These days it's peculiar to see an All Star line up without a big cow on the line. Big T, was an absolute beast to get away from with his tentacles and tackling skills. Those sorry souls who failed to escape his embrace were soon dealt to, with Big T sending nine to the casualty ward.
Fresh from the awards ceremony for the Decennial All Stars, this Rambunctious Rodent was not finished yet and proceeds to break his own previous record with an eighth All-Star scroll! Salamoneus, may not get about as much as he used to, but where he does go, opponents tread lightly... or on crutches, or not at all, soon after. Qualifying this season for an inaugural Bloody Dozen and change, claiming 15 casualties and keeping the Goblin Journos busy in the Death Watch Offices. In an unmatched Blocking performance for Conference that also saw him claim the Silver Twahlow on the back of this crunching cascade of carnage. One hopes that next season the newcomers to SWL appreciate their great good fortune to be able to rub shoulders, and heads and other assorted body parts, after accepting the extended Hand, and erm Claw, of welcome from this Legend in the Regional Division.
Convalescence in reggies is not something that most players would volunteer for, but it can be a liberating experience. Fangface is one who used his time in the hole to hone all aspects of his game. The agile wolf scored 5 touchdowns, made 5 passes, and put 3 opponents into casualty. A genuine allrounder. On the back of his efforts, team We'reWho! will be back in the conferences next season, will the star wolf thrive against tougher opposition?
Chocolate Fish has given us one of the greatest rookie seasons in recent memory, and can now add "Star" of The SWL to his resume. Burly wood elves aren't traditionally a thing, but as the sun has set on Dan Dan's career, another Bravado wardancer enters the fray, showing an intimidating set of muscles as he finished the season. While most right minded people would agree that a wardancer is just a slightly better looking goblin on a pogo stick, a constant diet of spinach or whatever else it is they eat in the forest means Chocolate "Star" Fish is now as strong as two goblins on a pogo stick, but with just as dreadful armour. Will he live on to create the same legacy as Dan Dan, or will he be soon for the boot? Only time will tell...
Muffin, second most violent player this season with 11 casualties, is another of the Nurgle players that's been stinking up the All-Stars this time around. While some might suggest he only got his high casualty count by beating up on defenceless goblins (6 casualties in one game is a lot for anyone to do) he was also the only player to seriously injure anyone on the Cold Rock roster, a team that was otherwise impervious to permanent damage throughout SWL LXXXI. Will this stinky brute repeat his rampage next season, or will the Muffin find himself battered , not buttered?
Next up one seemingly determined to fly high for the immediate future, the self-styled 'Best Future Thrower in the League' Dave Loveridge. A magnificent performance of consistently and tightly controlled passing this season saw him a comfortably safe Long Bomb in front of any of the competition for the coveted Silver Elf Awards. Indeed, so busy was he playing with his balls that he almost forgot to get the team home in what was the closest race by far in the Conferences last season. But get them home he did, and fans of the ‘beautiful game’ can only hope that some of his teammates live long enough to be consistently on the end of his tight shotgun spirals. It will be noted that his claims that Passing Awards mean nothing if you’re not beating High Elves has been met with unseemly enthusiasm from many of the biggest hitters partaking in Premier next season…
It takes some special talent to outpace, outscore, and almost out Star-Power the best of Premier, and boy does Torgan Silvermead have it! Most TDs, Most Rushing, and equal claim to the Duke Snakefield, this Dwarven Dynamo put in a massive performance this season, and even helped to secure his team their spot in the coming season Premier Division as well! Packing all that star power in such an itty bitty – erm All-Stars Nomination… yes, that’s what we meant, honest Torgen… please put down the axe… for such a Greatly Statured individual ahem seems to be working, and its these sorts of stand out performances that can win a players team Glory in the Championship. One to watch!
Another Decennial All Star and another recent repeat fixture on the list of seasonal All Stars is the Lineman who thought he was a Runner, and now turning his hand to passing as well, Stuart, the End Level Guy. He might have been outrun and outscored this season, but it was by just a few wee hairs from a bushy bearded chin. While still excelling in a tight Premier Division for personal rushing and scoring he turned out a stellar passing performance that trumped all comers in the direct competition. Taking out 3 Golden Awards he also came equal best in personal Star Power for the Duke Snakefield Medallion. We in the selection committee told you he’d be one to watch. We hope you were watching closely, because otherwise, with that rushing speed combined with that gun passing arm you would’ve missed it.
Talk about making a splash! With a spray of brown fluids we'd prefer not to identify, Worm burst into the scene this season, staining the bronze boots with an almost irrevocable amount of filth. After so many seasons of Stunty players keeping the fouling glories, everyone's favourite Rotter is the new pinup for every fan of the ground blitz.
LXXXI All Stars
Gharzth Bronzehelm, Bronzed Raiders
B.I.G, Waaaaghton Redskins
Big T, Big Boys Don't Block
Salamoneus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Chocolate Fish, Bravado
Muffin, Bloody Sphynxes
Dave Loveridge, Amateur Professionals
Torgan Silvermead, Blue Mountain Giants
Stuart, the End Level Guy, Blackwater Cockfighters
Worm, Redgum's Repugnance
LXXXI Prem Stars
B.I.G, Waaaaghton Redskins
Kell Meadmeister, Blue Mountain Giants
Gharzth Bronzehelm, Bronzed Raiders
Strawberry, Pugs Not Drugs
Sold, Waaaaghton Redskins
The Good Doctor, Blackwater Cockfighters
Flint Warmantle, Blue Mountain Giants
Stuart, the End Level Guy, Blackwater Cockfighters
Torgan Silvermead, Blue Mountain Giants
Herbad Uldr, Cult of the Firedrake
LXXXI Conf Stars
Big T, Big Boys Don't Block
Dinglebat II, Trondheim Hammers
Tyzusk The Wreckage, More Food for Thawt
Salamoneus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Muffin, Bloody Sphynxes
Chocolate Fish, Bravado
Master Shake, [adult swim]
Dave Loveridge, Amateur Professionals
Daddles Damfino, Lab Rat Elysium
Carriwitchett Clackbox, Lab Rat Elysium
Balloon Animalist, Funeral Catering Services
LXXXI Rising Stars
Loathing, Redgum's Repugnance
Salty Dog Seldon, Salute οf the Jugger
Griff Oberwald, Real Fake Alternative Facts
The Duchess, We'reWho!
Ched, Concussion Protocol
Fast Az Finn, Flack Ork Flockers
Giles, Federated Fowlers
Garry Gumtree, Barking up the RIGHT Tree
Worm, Redgum's Repugnance
Felix, Federated Fowlers
Note: The All Stars committee is a group effort. Currently numbering 6 members who played a part in the selection and fluffmanship
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
Jun 02, 2020 - 18:20
Welcome Sports fans, to the Murder, Mayhem and Mighty Blow preseason look at the Rotting Roger Regional. We've got a lot of teams to get to, so lets dive right in!
Firstly, we look at the existing teams.
Returning from last season's regional, Real Fake Alternative Facts are looking to make more of a mark on the competition than last season. With a 0/1/6 record, it looks like we should see a much better showing this season from this established team. In fact, they will probably make the top 3 for the regional, and challenge for the top blocking team
Next up, coming down from conference, is Styx αnd Warpstones! This team fared slightly better than RFAF last season, with a 1/3/3 record, and are currently the largest team in the Rotting Roger Regional. Despite being Underworld, they are currently the favorites to win the conference.
Lastly we have Griffindoom. Not much is known about the secretive team, but they may have returned from the past
When it comes to new teams, one of the favorites for this season has to be the Crazy Beard Express. These Chaos Dwarfs already have 2 block Bull Centaurs after Blooding, and could go far!
When it comes to Agility, the Top Trumps are ready to rock and roll, already having their first AG 5 player. Will this be enough to help this rookie team excel this season?
The second of our 3 Elf teams this season, Trees and Peas hope to come out of the gates strongly. With Both war dancers skilled, but 3 perms already suffered, will their season prove too much for this pluck bunch of new players?
The last of the elf teams is probably the most skilled beginner team in the regional, with the Ceasg-Coast Corsairs already having 4 skilled players. Hopefully they are able to keep their line elves healthy enough to keep up with these stars of the future.
You want Dodge? Pay attention to the new amazons on the block. With only the one tackle team in the regional, we should see some good surviveability from these brave girls
When it comes to blood, the last 2 teams are the most likes to provide it this season. High Lords of Undeath are set to bring the pain, with 4 Tomb Guardians and many blocks are expected to be thrown by them
Lastly, we have the Aspley Boncos. Set to be the spiritual successors to the orginal Brisbane Boncos, the expectation is that we will see a very high level of blocks, without a lot of other successes.
Joined: May 29, 2011
May 30, 2020 - 06:52
The T&P Show
T: SWL Season LXXXII is here, Phillip. This is the big one, High Elves back in the SWL Premier Division.
P: They won't get anywhere, Terence, they never do in prem, only made it on tiebreakers anyway.
T: You just wait, Phillip, you just wait!
P: Let's examine their chances, Terence, rationally.
The three remaining Premier teams are managed by the outstanding talents of coaches Sharper, ClayInfinity, and mushoomy. On top of that, the Bronzed Raiders and Blue Mountain Giants are expected to have a bit of an edge over any High Elf team, let alone one running no obvious bashers. Pugs Not Drugs might be easier on average, but one of those amazing wolfs missing a game would be needed to put the High Elves on par.
Add to that the strong conference performance by coach D_Arquebus, with another tough match in the form of Lab Rat Elysium, there's a set of four matches where the Amateur Professionals would be lucky to pull a win and a tie, and that won't win premier.
T: Now come on Phillip, of course that can win prem.
The Bravado of coach ramchop is well suited to taking down any of those teams on their day, but easily enough beaten by the High Elfs. Those other results help. The Cold Rock of coach Rabid, more that capable of smashing those bashy teams and still losing to the High Elfs!
Lastly, coach BeefyGoodness bringing More Food for Thawt to prem again could make all the other teams struggle to a tie at best, and that makes the High Elfs beating the ones they do all the better!
There's a few in here are known for ties, really.
P: Those still aren't expected wins for the High Elfs, Terence, and you know it, 3/2/2 maybe.
T: They're close enough, it's possible! You said they can't win, but they can win it, just like they won their conference last season! That was brutal stuff and they came out on top.
P: I guess if any of the speedy teams get some results on the heavier squads, don't go down too easy, it's all up in the air, any of them could fall to pieces in the process and leave the title live for the others to go elfball over in round 7.
T: And who better than the Amateur Professionals, the biggest and best trained team in premier division for season 82 of SWL, and so many rookies with great growth potential!
P: That's not really an up-side, either, Terence. Good luck to all the squads, may they produce a fine set of all stars with outstanding individual performances, and solid team and coach backing behind them. Maybe even make a legend of the squad.
Joined: May 19, 2009
May 27, 2020 - 12:15
Welcome one-and-all to the announcement of the first ‘Decennial’ All Stars team of the BB16 era, celebrating those who competed in the first seasons since the transition to the new rules which govern our game.
As with previous Decennial All Stars announcements, we’ve selected a bumper squad for tonight’s event, with a full roster of 16 of the finest players to grace the grass (and sand… and ice) of the SWL’s three divisions and multiple leagues. Any player who was selected to the All Stars on multiple occasions between Season 71 and Season 80 (inclusive) was considered eligible for selection in this best of the best roster. The selections were made on the basis of (at least on paper) providing for the full gamut of the SWL experience: the fastest, the strongest, the toughest. Runners, catchers and passers. Bashers, brutes and the boots. And those who throw themselves again and again into the battles at the line-of-scrimmage, or provide some unpredictable talent to disrupt even the most precise of opposition’s plans.
Tonight, it is our pleasure to present to you these fan favourites, these legends and superstars, these heroes and villains of our game. The bloody, the brilliant, and the bloody brilliant.
Without further ado… the Decennial All Stars of SWL 71-80 starting 11 are…
Who else but Impak, the always-impressive Orc Blitzer from Waaaughton Redskins could captain such a team of luminaries? The 5-time All-Star is a Legend of the SWL, and in only 68 games has achieved some milestones unmatched by any other player of his era. The most obvious is his 68TDs, at an average of one per game. It’s a scoring record noteworthy as much for the consistency of his performances as for the total numbers. Aside from one game of 4 TDs (vs Singed Poor Scoundrels) he’s accumulated those TDs in singles and doubles, just repeatedly putting in game-winning performances. His 1,500 rushing yards overshadows even the closest of his contemporaries, and he’s far more than ‘merely’ the leagues predominant ball-carrier. He’s also inflicted 33 Casualties from over 350 blocks, including 3 against the Port Royal Poachers… and if that weren’t enough he’s even dabbled in the passing game. Truly, an Orc who has shown that he can do it all. Strong as a BOB, he can tackle and break tackles, dodge and block, and he has the surest hands in the business. A worthy Captain of this first Dicennial All Stars team of the new era.
Salmoneus is a rat blitzer from Styx and Warpstones, a Legend of SWL, and holds a representative record as 7 time All Star. He inflicted an amazing 70 casualties from 59 games, a statistic which alone would elevate him into the upper echelons, but he also scored 24 TDs, completed passes, made an interception, threw over 700 blocks and carried the ball for over 200 rushing yards. True, he lost a bit of agility as his career went on and the injuries started to tell, but he put up the sorts of numbers we just weren’t used to seeing in this new era. He famously had two-heads, both horned, and had grown claws on his hands and feet as well. These mutations made him a deadly opponent, a point he proved with a number of games causing multiple casualties (including 4 against the Dwarfs of the Blue Mountain Giants), but the 5 victims he claimed from Didgeridead stand as his personal single-game record and a stark reminder of his brutal efficiency in dispatching his foes.
Few players have ever been able to combine the beauty and brutality of our great game into a single magnificent package with the efficacy and aplomb of Bravado’s Dan Dan. The deadliest dancer. The most beautiful brute. He followed in the footsteps of his namesakes, some of SWL’s past-greats, and his own feats stand worthy of his name. A 4 time All Star and a Legend of the league, he inflicted 60 casualties from 67 games. He threw over 600 blocks, rushed over 200 yards, scored a handy 13 TDs and tossed a few passes besides. His few critics might have complained that he was a bit of a glass cannon, but repeated blows to the head never discouraged him from taking the field, even if they did make him a bit vulnerable on it. He built his reputation on a preternatutral agility and the ability to leap in and execute the wrestle, tackle or strip on the ball carrier, and what a worthy reputation it was. A nightmare on the defence and potent force in attack, this maestro of mayhem caused 4 casualties in three separate games during his illustrious career.
Artoria Donatiana was a runner for Immortalis Inquietus. Ever the quiet-achiever, the ghoul took some time to learn the game early in her career before a breakout performance with a hat-trick game (scoring 3 vs the Skye Hoppers) brought her to the full attention of the league… and the All Star selection panel. She would go on to be a 3-time All Star, and achieved Legend status in the SWL remarkably quickly given her career spanned only 45 games. What games they were though. She scored 49TDs and rushed for over 1,000 yards. A devoted ball-carrier, she honed herself to athletic perfection with a single-minded approach to improving her craft. There would be some who might claim that she relied more on raw athleticism than on skill, but her amazing speed was hard-won on the training track, and even after her comeback from a serious leg injury there were few who could catch her once she broke the opposition’s lines. Her agility would impress an elf, and although she was a little fragile from an old blow to the skull, that only mattered if her enemies were somehow able to catch her. She could block, dodge, and leap as well as any and better than most, and takes her place with pride among these great names.
Socrates is a 3-time All Star and the first Big Guy to become a Legend of this era in SWL. The Redgum’s Rationalists minotaur was a fan favourite, and it was their irrepressible, undeniable, chanting calls which swayed the judges to award him with MVP honours in his final game, and secure his Legend status as his career ended. One of the scariest players to ever grace SWL, the big bull had it all, strength, horns, claws, tentacles, and the ability to block, break tackles, and plant his hooves against his opponents. He caused a whopping 65 Casualties from only 52 games, and from only 482 blocks, ending an opponent’s day (or in some cases their career) every 7.5 blocks on average. It’s hard to pick a highlight for a player who has had five different games with 3 Casualties in each, but his bloodiest day out came late in his career and netted him 4 CAS vs Deja Voodoo in his penultimate game.
Baron Von Kitemonger is the second ghoul runner to make this Decennial All Stars team. Those who can cast their mind back to the earliest seasons of the current era will remember the Unicorn Gunfight runner captained the first 2 All Stars teams of this decade. In 33 games he established himself as a Super Star of the competition and devastatingly effective scorer. His 31TDs came from over 600 rushing yards at an average of nearly one score per game. Although never the victim of serious injuries, it’s fair to say that the brightest highlights of his career came early on. He made his name with a run of form culminating in a 4TD performance vs the Crude Oilers to cap a run of 12 TDs in four games, and though he remained a valuable contributor well into his career he never quite reclaimed that electrifying form. Nonetheless, he was an agile and capable ball carrier, with a wicked side-step and sure hands, and he was also handy on the defensive side with his ability to strip the ball from his opponents. Any coach worth their salt would welcome him to their roster, and we make him welcome tonight as we recognise him among the Decennial All Stars.
Of all the specialist throwers of the recent era of SWL though, it’s Longbough of the Wildwood Windlords, who stands out as having perhaps the finest arm of his generation. A 4-time All Star, and SWL Super Star, the Wood Elf boasts 58 completions already from only 39 games, an average of nearly 1.5 completions per game. His specialty is to use his outstanding vision and game sense to find the short-to-medium range passes which will open up an opposition’s defences. He’s more than just a ball-launcher though. Along with his 250 passing yards he’s also shown he’s just as capable carrying the pill as he is launching it downfield to team-mates, with over 400 career rushing yards and having scored a few touchdowns early in his career, including a double against SWL Sentinels, before settling into the passing role. Even without the ball he’s a skilled leader and an excellent student of the game, able to make play calls from the pitch and guide his team-mates away from errors. Famous for his sure hands, strong arm and accurate passing, we should also recognise his precision by foot at the kick-offs.
Stu Wilson of the Amateur Professionals receives this honour posthumously, but his family are here on his behalf to help us recognise the outstanding career of this young elf catcher. A 2-time All Star and an SWL Super Star he scored 33 TDs from only 22 games and amassed over 300 rushing yards with the ball in hand. When he wasn’t scoring himself, he even found a few opportunities to throw passes. He burned brightly but briefly, and his career was tragically (or fortunately, depending on who you ask) snuffed short. No one ever doubted his bravery, but while nerves of steel served him well when he was under a thrown ball, they did little to protect him from a hunk of granite hurled down from the nose-bleed seats in the upper stands. Whoever that rock-tosser was did the Waaaaughton Redskins a great service that day, but did the SWL a dis-service by robbing us of one of the most promising stars of this generation. Those who saw him score 4 against Loec’s Loggers in his last full game (or against Singed Poor Scoundrels earlier in his career) will long remember his agility and his talent.
Strawberry is proof that one shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, and nor should one judge a werewolf by its cute liddle-biddy-widdy pug nose. Nor should he be judged by the frenzied snarling and the sharp claws that comes to define the play-style of so many other werewolves. This little pug took a different path to greatness. In 32 games for Pugs Not Drugs, the 2-time All Star and SWL Super Star scored 40 TDs from over 700 rushing yards. He was quick even by canine standards, with sure hands, a neat side-step, and the ability to meet his opponent in the block or dodge away depending on what his team needed from him. One of SWL’s more consistent performers, could always be relied upon to make his contribution on the scoreboard. He was at his best against tough opposition too, scoring 3 TDs against TingBuDong and going one better against Redgum’s Rationalists by adding a rare Casualty to the hat-trick in a huge 5-0 drubbing.
Arethusa played 33 games for Styx and Warpstones without ever really developing any skill or athletic ability, other than to become even sneakier when laying the boot into a fallen foe. However, this Goblin’s name is well-known to opponents, more infamous for his savagery than famous for his skill. His one star-worthy moment came vs Didgeridead when he completed a thrown pass of a mere 2 yards and was hailed MVP for his efforts. But the reason he was a 3-time All Star across his 33 games was for his remarkable record as a rulebreaker. 121 fouls, an average of nearly 4 per game, and for his trouble a five-time boot winner across all levels of SWL competition, with an impressive 30 fouls in season 76 alone. He may not have been quick across the ground, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t have fast feet for stomping heads.
Eamonn Everweep was a Nurgle Bloater for Chrimean Chimera, a 2-time All Star and a Super Star of the SWL. He played 35 games before dying as he had lived, in a disgusting, plague-ridden, briutal battle with his opponents. He was not a complicated player, but few can claim to have been as effective as he was in the role he had for the team. His 273 blocks came at an average of almost 8 per game across his 35 appearances, and he caused 30 CAS through his combination of sharp claws and his mighty blows. Always willing to guard his team-mates, there’s no one you’d rather have at your side in the clinches, provided you like having rotting sacks of diseased flesh at your side. He caused 3 Casualties on two occasions, tearing apart the Phoenix Academy Shar Shooters but showing that he’s equally effective against those who might have already died with his 3 vs Immortalis Inquietus.
Let's have a round of applause for that starting line-up. Truly a formidable collection of talent. But to complete the roster of 16, we have also selected an incredibly talented line-up who'll be waiting in the dug-out:
Stuart, The End Level Guy, Captain of the Blackwater Cockfighters was a 2-time All Star and Super Star of SWL. In only 23 games he amassed 30TDs from over 800 rushing yards. His speed and agility make him an incredibly effective ball-carrier. After his 5 (count em, 5!) TDs vs the Singed Poor Scoundrels rumours began to quickly spread that he was secretly a snow elf, but the Norse have denied these baseless accusations. Sure he could dodge through traffic, sprint like the wind, never missed a pick-up and could place the ball on a single blade of grass from the kick-off, but what incredibly talented Norseman couldn’t?
Torduken is a 2-time All Star and the only Hobgoblin ever to Captain the SWL’s most prestigious representative team. In 27 games for the Bronzed Raiders he established himself as a Super Star of the competition, with 23 TDS and over 600 rushing yards. In large part this was due to his extraordinary agility and his sure hand, but he was also excellent at the kick-offs, both in delivering the kick and positioning himself to advantage as a receiver. He frequently scored multiple TDs in a game, and when he wasn’t scoring was just as much at ease turning provider with a well-placed short pass to open up his opponents and create opportunities for his team-mates.
Doug Bruce is the second player from the Amateur Professionals to be honoured in this list. After quickly establishing himself in the league, and being recognised 3 times among the season All Stars, his career—like that of his team-mate Stew—was cut short, in this case ended not by death but by an injury which robbed him of his strength. He retained the power in his throwing arm, but couldn’t compete in the physical combat aspect of the game after the injury. What he lacked in that regard he made up for with his speed across the ground and his pin-point passing. In 21 games he hit 43 completions, averaging more than 2 per game, for over 300 passing yards. On 3 occasions he threw 4 passes in a game, specialising in the long game with an average of 10 yards per pass in his final season.
Wang x Yangming is a beastman runner and 2-time All Star who became a Super Star in his 50 games for TingBuDong. A philosopher worthy of a place among the Rationalists, he established himself as a model of professional calm, using his meditative peace to avoid the kinds of errors that might bring lesser beasts undone. But he was no pacifist. He inflicted 36 Casualties in his career through the studied application of horns, claws, and an ability to tackle even the dodgiest opponent. He was an efficient blocker and blitzer, on three occasions causing 4 casualties in a game and even showing himself capable of scoring before injury robbed him of his agility.
Aenisdemus is the final member of this representative team, a troll from Redgum’s Rationalists and a sturdy support for his team-mate on the line of scrimmage. Those I can hear a few malcontents in the back screaming “rigged, rigged”, but they would do well to consider this mighty troll's record... and the fact that he’s here in the room with us tonight. A 2-time All Star whose path to SWL Super Stardom was cut agonisingly short not by any injury or age, but by his coach’s decision to walk away from the team. In 42 games, Aenesidemus threw 268 blocks and caused 22 casualties. His strength was incredible, but he was also a surprisingly astute student of the game, developing skills as both a blocker and as a dodger and marking himself as a troll not merely of unusual size, but of unusual skill.
And that concludes our ceremony for tonight. Thank you all for your attendance this evening. I invite you to stand with glasses charged and join us as we celebrate the Decennial All Stars of SWL 71-80
|Thanks Redgum, you are a legend...|
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
May 21, 2020 - 02:57
Far on the outskirts of the Southern Wastes lies a large sheet of polar ice, known as the Glacier of Eternity. Within this ice lie frozen many of those who have tried to find the treasures held in it's icy grasp, but also many Bloodbowl teams who have failed in their quests for greatness. The Ice itself surges and recedes, and occasionally, a team will return from the past to rejoin the battles on the pitch, taking a new name to continue the glory held long ago.
Recent studies of the Glacier have shown that a particularly bloodthirsty team of ages past has been thawed, ready to once again terrorize their opponents on and off the pitch. They come from before the living memory of all current players, and before many coaches. Soon, one word will strike fear into the hearts of all those who play in the Southern Wastes:
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
May 20, 2020 - 21:39
SWL DEATH WATCH PRIZES
Yes, it's that time in the season again when the most sought-after prizes of all, the Death Watch Commemorative Awards, are announced. As our silver-tongued MC, Pinkeye Growthspurt would say, "you can stick your Twahnlows up your ****, true glory is from these cut-price utensils we picked up at the dollar store!". Ahem. So, without further ado:
You Can Dish It Out But Can You Take It Butter Dish goes to Cold Rock, who were in joint third place with 13 kills and serious injuries this year, only suffering a single damaged player themselves, in the final round.
As predicted, the Vittra Vixens take the You Can Take It But Can You Dish It Out Butter Dish, managing to avoid a disgraceful clean sweep by pinching the nerve of a rat in their last game this season.
As you can only win one prize, the Delicately My Dear Kid Gloves, awarded to the gentlest team in the league, was a four-way tie, with multiple teams landing only 3 serious hurts on their competitors. The judges awarded it to Nottingham Arrows for succumbing to four times as many injuries as they produced.
This year we inaugurate a new prize, the Massively Patronising "It's Called Blood Bowl For A Reason!" Bowl and this goes to Frank's Food Truck Collective, who in 7 games saw the lowest number of injuries to both sides - a mere 7. (Compare that to Salute of the Jugger, who gave the crowd 23 different opportunities to gasp, weep or just laugh.)
The Glass Cannon Glass Cannon, always a hotly contested favourite, goes to the team that suffered the most injuries while injuring more players than anyone else did, and just thinking about that makes everyone's heads hurt. Early favourites Trondheim Hammers were a total disappointment, only losing one player this season, Labrat Elysium were too protective, the Stunty teams in the Conferences barely left a (bloody) mark, so it's down to Federated Fowlers to claim it with 4 kills, 8 serious injuries and 9 injuries received in turn.
The Gastrotheca Riobambae III Commemorative Squashed Freddo awarded to the player who's suffered most this season in the name of Nuffle. Originally this was going to a certain Mr Helmut Wulf, but it was pointed out that this chainsaw-wielding clown was trying to cheat his way to the prize by being injured in two games in round seven, a clear infraction of by-law 7.091.e of the rulebook. Next was Corporate Fraud Chaingang, who broke rule 7.092.f, which states you can't count two injuries you got in the same game, which left a two way tie, with the judges awarding the prize to Falala Freesia who gamely played on through a serious concussion, a damaged back and a smashed ankle, whereas her competitor, Rillithel The Reaper has no use of prizes because he's dead. Will Ms Freesia return next season to try to get the mystical, long hoped for four injuries?
And the one you've all been waiting for, the Terrifying Chamberpot Of Certain Doom, brought to you in conjunction with our proud sponsors Underworld Armour goes to the player responsible for the most deaths this season. And it's...
Shoelaces. With four kills and 7 serious injuries. The rest of you have once again been beaten by an inanimate object, and should be disgusted with yourselves. And probably beaten with an inanimate object.
Last edited by MrCushtie on May 26, 2020 - 07:07; edited 1 time in total
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
May 19, 2020 - 22:07
SWL DEATH WATCH SEASON LXXXI WEEK SEVEN
Stumpy Boggit, came, and then went after encountering Comes & Goes. Halfling Hefty, 0 SPP.
"Didn't he do well, eh? First ever Hefty to die in SWL history.!"
"They used to call him Stumpy Boggit, now he's just ... stumpy?"
Bret, smashed to tiny pieces by Tyzuzk The Wreckage. Human Lineman, 0 SPP.
"I've always said, you want a short career, you get yourself a short name."
"Er, like Bob?"
Luther, never having another thought going through his head after a hit by On Second Thawt. Human Catcher, 18 SPP.
"I guess you could say Luther was another tragic victim of Mad Cow Disease..."
"Speaking of dodgy burgers, how about:"
Hamburger, smashed back into mincemeat by Salamoneus. Undead Wight, 22 SPP.
"And with a hit from the two headed rat who sounds like a fish, that's our first ever Undead Wight! The crowd are going wild here!"
Rillithel The Reaper, reaped by Andy Hayden. Wood Elf Wardancer, 52 SPP.
"A combination of the Curse of the Death Watch for young Rillithel there, and trying to deny the record books."
"That's right. If the Reaper had just let himself get injured a couple more times, he could have had the four-way injury record sewn up."
"As it is, they're sewing him up. Into some kind of disgusting handbag, I guess."
Cold Smudge, fell over his shoelaces failing a dodge. Lizardman Skink, 13 SPP.
"From Cold Smudge to dirty smear in one swift moment."
"That vicious skink deserved that death, after giving some lovely lady a groin strain three seasons ago..."
Leroy Silenteagle, covered in butter and then burst apart by Popcorn. Orc Lineman, 11 SPP.
This one had a few targets on his back for the niggling injuries he's been dishing out. But you know what they say, Popcorn is a dish best served cold."
"No it isn't, Bob. Try again. Try harder."
Bon "KOKO" Scott, made quite a bit smaller by by B.I.G. Necromantic Zombie, 0 SPP.
"Wasn't he in AC/DC?"
"He's fully disconnected now, Bob."
Wiggie, returned to dust by Andrew, the Ne'er-Do-Well. Khemri Skeleton, 2 SPP.
"There's not much of a pun there."
"Well, I was going to say something about him getting boned out -"
"Let's just stop, Bob. Family show and all that..."
"Here's a riddle for you - who's not getting a little older, and who did get a little older?"
"I didn't realise you were one for such sophisticated wordplay, Bob."
"I'm a renaissance man. Well, Ogre..."
Herbad Uldr, definitely not getting any older after a sneaky strike to the shins from Shin Shadowstrike. Lizardman Skink, 24 SPP.
Angus Chinknative, bashed into a thousand tiny pieces by Sankt Pauli. Wood Elf Lineman, 2 SPP.
"Chinknative didn't achieve much this season did he, apart from getting injured. Oh, and injuring a journeyfrog in the same game that he died."
Leptopelis Vermiculatus III, had his underpants pulled up much too far by Wedges Willy. Slann Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Not that sort of wedgie, Bob!"
Polly Poppers, inhaled by Aaargol Baargol. Goblin Pogoer, 3 SPP.
Stay tuned because next up, it's the end of season Death Watch awards!
Joined: Oct 12, 2013
The SWL LXXXI Team Achievements
Turns (1143): Flack Ork Flockers
Completions (14): Barking up the RIGHT Tree
TDs (15): We'reWho!
Cas (27): Redgum's Repugnance
SPP (131): We'reWho!
Passing yards (38): Nottingham Arrows
Rushing yards (285): Flack Ork Flockers
Blocks (332): Redgum's Repugnance
Fouls (33): Redgum's Repugnance
Blocks/Cas (14.0): We'reWho!
Pass/Cp (3.8): Federated Fowlers
Kills (4): Federated Fowlers
Turns (1194): More Food for Thawt
Completions (27): Amateur Professionals
TDs (18): Lab Rat Elysium
Cas (31): Bloody Sphynxes
SPP (126): Amateur Professionals
Passing yards (152): Amateur Professionals
Rushing yards (290): Lab Rat Elysium
Blocks (423): Cold Rock
Fouls (27): Blood Crag Stripes & Wattlebay Warblers
Blocks/Cas (8.1): Styx αnd Warpstones
Pass/Cp (5.6): Amateur Professionals
Kills (5): Trondheim Hammers
Turns (1138): Blue Mountain Giants
Completions (7): Blackwater Cockfighters
TDs (10): Waaaaghton Redskins, Bronzed Raiders & Cult of the Firedrake
Cas (24): Didgeridead
SPP (99): Bronzed Raiders
Passing yards (32): Waaaaghton Redskins
Rushing yards (229): Bronzed Raiders
Blocks (370): Blue Mountain Giants
Fouls (33): Didgeridead
Blocks/Cas (17.4): Didgeridead
Pass/Cp (10.7): Waaaaghton Redskins
Kills (4): Waaaaghton Redskins
The Unofficial Maester Whippy Dean Douglas Sundae
Ched (Concussion Protocol) 22 spp
The SWL Season LXXXI Awards
Ched (Concussion Protocol) & Garry Gumtree (Barking up the RIGHT Tree) 6 TDs
Salty Dog Seldon (Salute οf the Jugger) 7 cas
Loathing (Redgum's Repugnance) 115 turns
Ched (Concussion Protocol) 153 rushing yards
Giles (Federated Fowlers) 21 pass yards
Worm (Redgum's Repugnance) 22 fouls
Griff Oberwald (Real Fake Alternative Facts) 82 blocks
Giles (Federated Fowlers) 6 cps
The Duchess (We'reWho!) 6.34 block/cas
Arminia Bielefeld (Toadal Pondemonium (SWL)) 5 pass/cp
Fangface (We'reWho!) 26 SPP
Daddles Damfino (Lab Rat Elysium) & Carriwitchett Clackbox (Lab Rat Elysium) 8 TDs
Salamoneus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 15 cas
Tyzusk The Wreckage (More Food for Thawt) & Scorri Burnseeker (More Food for Thawt) 115 turns
Master Shake ([adult swim]) 189 rushing yards
Dave Loveridge (Amateur Professionals) 167 pass yards
Dinglebat II (Trondheim Hammers) 8 fouls
Salamoneus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 82 blocks
Dave Loveridge (Amateur Professionals) 21 cps
Jesse Pronekicker II (Vermintidе) 4.34 block/cas
Dave Loveridge (Amateur Professionals) 7.96 pass/cp
Salamoneus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 30 SPP
Torgan Silvermead (Blue Mountain Giants) 8 TDs
B.I.G (Waaaaghton Redskins) 7 cas
Kell Meadmeister (Blue Mountain Giants) 112 turns
Torgan Silvermead (Blue Mountain Giants) 152 rushing yards
Stuart, the End Level Guy (c) (Blackwater Cockfighters) 20 pass yards
Colengood (Didgeridead) 13 fouls
Flint Warmantle (Blue Mountain Giants) 69 blocks
Stuart, the End Level Guy (c) (Blackwater Cockfighters) 4 cps
Ma'ar Darkflame (Druchii Dynasty) 6.34 block/cas
Stuart, the End Level Guy (c) (Blackwater Cockfighters) 5 pass/cp
Stuart, the End Level Guy (c) (Blackwater Cockfighters) & Torgan Silvermead (Blue Mountain Giants) 25 SPP
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
May 14, 2020 - 06:33
Death Watch Predictions And Special Prizes
This season, a whole set of new prizes are being inaugurated by the Death Watch Committee. (The Committee consists of Pinkeye Growthspurt, a cardboard cut out of an elf from a promotional campaign by a company selling hard hats, and some underpants that may or may not have been stolen from Socrates during the All-Stars award ceremonies two seasons ago.) While the exact details of the prizes have yet to be revealed, we're sure everyone is excited to find out next week what they've won.
Cold Rock to take home the You Can Dish It Out But Can You Take It Butter Dish, avoiding any serious injuries in the season while smashing everyone they encounter.
The Vittra Vixens have an almost unassailable lead, having suffered 13 injuries and deaths this season, while not hurting anybody, and should be receiving the You Can Take It But Can You Dish It Out Butter Dish, companion to the glittering prize for the lizards.
Seven teams have failed to kill anyone in the first six weeks of the season. How many will be fighting over the Gently My Dear Kid Gloves next week?
And, of course, the Glass Cannon Glass Cannon. Always controversial, but the team that has hurt the most players while taking more injuries than any team that has hurt as many players (pay attention at the back there, there will be a test) is currently the Real Fake Alternative Facts. Is that the committee putting a thumb on the scale to favour their own? Let's find out for sure, NEXT WEEK
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
May 14, 2020 - 06:20
SWL DEATH WATCH SEASON L XXXI WEEK SIX
"Bit of a short one this week, Bob?"
"That's just what your wife said to me."
Gru, had a gruesome end, blocked by Oakeneye. Chaos Beastman, 19 SPP.
Zezzax, blocked by Vengeance Trust. Chaos Beastman, 0 SPP.
"How can there be vengeance when you never achieved anything?"
Brian, the Scoundrel, forced to see the error of his ways by Mobad Namimdigr. *Norse Lineman, 8 SPP.
"See that little star there, Jim?"
"You know what that is, Jim?"
"That's the Curse of the Death Watch! Brian killed a minotaur and two dark elves, didn't he?"
"Well, the Curse is taking a long time, isn't it - last time he did any serious damage was a season ago..."
"Don't you take that Curse in vain, Jim!"
Bait-Shy Kultur, squished by Salamoneus. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
"A bit of rat-on-rat tit-for-tat in that match, Bob, with the Labrats coming off the worst for it."
Fuzzy, seeking permanent dental attention after meeting Brown Tooth Beldon. Orc Black Orc Blocker, 15 SPP.
Diseased Dan, Block by Felix. *Nurgle Pestigor, 24 SPP.
"Something's wrong with your Curse-o-tron, Bob. Diseased might have pinched somebody's nerve at some point, but he never killed anyone!"
"Not on the pitch, Jim, but who knows what else he was up to?"
Armanz Hemlockmaker, ironically fouled by Boots. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.
"Short second career for the elf there, eh?"
"They don't hemlockmake them like they used to, that's for sure..."
Sperithel Spark-Touch, Block by Ian. Wood Elf Lineman, 16 SPP.
Torn Fellsmith, had a sweet, sweet hit of Chocolate. Dwarf Blocker, 4 SPP.
"That was short, wasn't it?"
"That's what your wife said -"
"I meant it was a dwarf -"
"That's also what your wife said."
And with that blazing repartee, we leave Bob and Jim in the studio, and go check in on the Death Watch Predictions for this season: