BunnyPuncher
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
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 Posted:
Jul 05, 2003 - 17:06 |
 
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Just moving the results update to a new thread.
WEEK 1 SHOW *REPEAT*
"Good Evening folks! Rent Brockman here at ESBBN Sports News! Tonight's program is being brought to you by the Halfling Rendering and Tallow Company, a wholly owned subsidiary of Malignant LLP, Half ling Tallow, the longest burning lamp oil money can buy!"
*change camera, Rent spins around to face it, looks nervous*
"Tonight we have a bit of a programming change! Our network apologizes to those who have tuned in for part 26 of our 38 part series on the history of dwarf-roller racing! I'm sure we'll be continuing that wonderful series for you next week"
*Rent looks off camera, tugs at his collar, and gulps as a sound of breaking bone and high pitched screaming is heard*
"Er.. ummm... that noise you heard was my from my producer.. ahh my former producer... he was just informed by management that this will be a regular weekly show. Wow.. that's gross... he should get his severance pay at least! Well, before I say something that gets me killed, I'll turn things over to tonight’s host Morthrog Manglebone!"
*Rent jumps from his chair onto the desk, kicks an orc in the jaw, dodges an ogre, and runs out the studio door, all while keeping his well coiffed hair perfectly in place. After a few minutes of bellowing and shouting, a rather large and scarred ogre thumps down in a chair behind the anchor desk*
"A'right den! Me gonna host dis show, and youse gonna watch it! Dis here is da weekly show where we tell youse wot happened this week in da Elf Mang'lin Onion... huh... sorry boss... Uuuuuuunyon. A'right. Our guests tonight be my pa and boss Nerfic BunnyPuncher, my 'ome boy Drego from da Bergherm Brutes, and Joey Brakes da pretty boy t'rower from da Blood Runners."
*camera change, Morthrog continues staring at the previous camera. After a few seconds of hissed whispers, an orc blitzer trundles onto the set and whispers in Morthrog's ear. With an angry look he finally faces the correct camera. As the orc leaves he shouts "jez wotch da red light u bonehead!"*
"Enuff of dis. C'mon da show pops! Mah daddy Nerfic BunnyPuncher"
*A bulky older orc, dressed in a very expensive suit walks onto the set. The monsters in the studio audience erupt in cheers. He gives Morthrog a hug, sits down beside the ogre and begins to speak*
"Ha Ha! Good show my boy! All right. Since we have a lot to get to tonight I'll make this brief! Despite the best efforts of several of the top people at the commissioners office, and a generally outraged public reaction, the EMU will continue, and all the free publicity this generated for us will only help us later on!"
*Morthrog nods (as he's fallen asleep)*
"Back to business then. Here are the standings after the first week of EMU!
| Quote: |
1. Bergherm Brutes with 26 points
2. Seal Skin Sluggers have 24 points
3. Blood Runners have 22 points
4. Metal Militia with 13 points
5. Blood Blitzers with 12 points
6. Mousetrap has 11 points
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"So despite the short week, the storm of controversy, and the temporary league enforced suspension of EMU, our teams got some impressive results! I do want to point out to all you meat puppets sitting at home that of the 7 games we played this week, we went 5-1-1. So much for your foolish belief that the EMU wasn't out to win! All right. I'm leaving. Wake up boy!"
*BunnyPuncher boots Morthrog in the shins, and stalks away*
"Yah dat smarted! So my next guest is Drego from da Berghern Brutes. Me and Drego goes way backs. My Ogre, get yo butt out here!"
*a big ogre dressed in plate mail and holding a gift wrapped box stamps onto the stage and sits down. the chair creaks ominously but holds*
"Fine lookin togs you got dere Drego, looks like dem dorfs have been treatin you right! Is dat present for me?"
*Drego nods (but stays awake) and hands the box to the other ogre. Morthrog rips off the top and pulls out a severed elf head*
"Damn Drego! You brought us our first head for EMU's Hall o' Heads! Thanks mah ogre! Now Drego, youse guys had da game of da week here at EMU and you took home the MVP for dat game. You wanna tell us about it?"
*Drego leans forward to his mic*
"It was a goot game. Much slaughter did we make. Crushed elfs littered da turf like so many empty beer bottles. Their weemen screamed like the harlots dey are when dey saw wot we was doin to dere men-folk. My Dorf brudders played like champions and we scored tree of dem TD fings."
*Drego leans back, shakes hands with Morthrog and stomps away*
"I love dat Ogre like a brudder, but he gets more and more dorfy every time I sees 'em. Our last guest of da evening is Joey Brakes da pretty boy t'rower from da Blood Runners."
*A large nasty looking human stalks onto the stage, and sits down*
"You'se Blood Runners had two of da most impressive showing in EMU dis week. You forced a tie wif the highly rated Terrifying Anarchists of Naggeroth, beat another decent elf team, and are right now waiting to resume a delayed game with Farwood Fire. And in dat game you'se taken out a bunch o' his team! How come da Blood Runners been so successful at playing these super-duper elf teams?"
*Joey Brakes leans back, lights a smoke, cracks a beer, and begins to speak*
"Really its been a team effort. Everyone on the Blood Runners is a professional and its a really fun team to play for. But most of the credit has to go to our coach and founder BloodRunners. He has us play a style of Blood Bowl that really seems to force these teams to play into our hands. Once they get in tackle range, its lights out for them."
*Morthrog breaks in*
"Now my pa sez dat BloodRunners is da Pit-Bull of da E.M.U., is it true dat you will take a game with any opponent, any time, anywhere?"
*Joey Brakes grins*
"That's true Morthrog. We believe there is not a single elf team we can't take to the cleaners on any given Sunday!"
*Morthrog shakes hands with Joey and leans forward to speak*
"A'right, dats it for dis week. Tell that wimpy Rent Brockman 'e can 'ave his chair back! G'night folks!"
*ESBBN Music comes on, followed by yet another commercial for Halfling tallow* |
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BunnyPuncher
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
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| Posted:
Jul 05, 2003 - 18:23 |
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EMU TV WEEK 2
"Good evening once again, I'm Rent Brockman and welcome to our second edition of EMU TV on ESBBN! Despite the brouhaha that occurred last week, I have successfully negotiated a contract with EMU and the Malignant LLP. As a result, I have a new, far less threatening, co-host. Let me introduce my new co-host, Funkie the Dodger, that flying green phenom from the Blood Blitzers! Why don't you read the sponsor plug Funkie!"
*Camera pans back to bring a goblin in to view. The goblin is sitting on the desk cross-legged squinting at something off camera. The goblin rubs his eyes and pulls a battered pair of spectacles out of a pocket of his snappy black pin-strip suit and perches them precariously onto the end of his large nose.*
"Ah right den! EMU TV is brought to youse by dem good guyz at Ogre Electric Light-Bulbs, deze may not be da brightest, but dey sure is da best!"
*With a satisfied smirk on his wrinkled visage, the goblin puts his spectacles back where they came from, puts his hands behind his head and leans back, and tumbles right off the desk in a flurry of knees and elbows! A dull thunk is heard followed by a strangled uttering of "Mommy!" A white-gowned medic runs into the picture and examines the prone goblin. "Failed his armour roll! He's out for a while!"*
"Sheesh, the things I put with for a pay-check! What? Your sending out another co-host?"
*Rent Brockman pulls out a tumbler glass and fills it from a jug of Dorf's Finest 100 proof whiskey. While he's doing this a rather large and unhappy Black Orc is shoved onto the stage. He glares back at his team-mates and stomps over to sit behind the desk with Rent.*
"Welcome to the show Garok Goblingutter, anything you'd like to share with us?"
*The black orc hisses at Rent and lunges across the desk to grab the bottle of whisky*
"Well, he ain't the best color man in the business for nothing folks! Go slow with that hooch son! Before we bring out our guest for tonight's show, lets update the EMU standings!"
"It was a good week for EMU. Several new teams joined the fray and really took the Union by storm! Paramount among those is our new front-runner Blissful Brutality."
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1. Blissful Brutality 80
2. Mouse Trap 36
3. Bergherm Brutes 33
4. Sealskin Sluggers 24
5. BloodRunners 22
6. Metal Militia 13
7. Orgy of Flesh 9
8. Blood Blitzers 4
EMU Overall Record: 10/4/3
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"Blissful Brutality was by far the most successful team in the EMU this week and our first guest tonight is Father Dagon. The part-time Bloodbowl coach part-time slimy deity is currently vacationing in his underwater resort in the great abyssal trench! We'll now talk to Father via a live scrying screen. Father Dagon can you explain the success of Blissful Brutality this week?"
*a large screen behind the anchor desk comes on and a gigantic fish eye fills the picture, a loud booming, yet oddly bubbling voice begins to speak*
"Ha Ha Ha! Thank you Rent. After realizing that the direct approach was not providing enough opponents for the Metal Militia I decided to blind side the elfs with a new tactic. So I created a Skaven team out of the primordial essence that is my being and sent them to the surface world. The elf is a cowardly race, and does not like being ground into bloody maggot ridden pieces by large steel clad Neanderthals, yet oddly my studies have shown, elfs as a whole do not fear skaven. Elfs walk onto the pitch expecting a nice high scoring affair. Using this psychological fact I created a trap for the elves. You see, using the concepts of modern marketing, I drove the Blissful Brutality Fans into such a fever pitch, we call them "Da Lynch Mob", and they typically invade the pitch about once per game. This along side the brutal playing style of Blissful Brutality results in many ripe and festering elf-carcasses to feed to my Shoggoths. Farewell Rent, I spy a sailor from a doomed ship floating near the surface. So I'm afraid I have to go and eat him, being a god is a twenty-four hour a day job you know!"
*with a hiss of air bubbles a titanic amorphous shape speeds to the surface*
"Thanks Father Dagon, you are certainly one of the evil deities that deserve piety! Remind me to call my travel agent and cancel that cruise I was going on next month, eh Garok? Awww *beep*"
*The black orc is slumped onto the desk in a drunken stupor, the empty bottle of whisky still clutched in his hand.*
"Well. Thank the good gods that the show is almost over. In fact the show is over. Good night folks, Rent Brockman and ESBBN Sports News signing off! See ya next week!" |
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BunnyPuncher
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
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| Posted:
Oct 18, 2003 - 00:57 |
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EMU TV - Week 3
Good evening once again, I'm Rent Brockman and welcome to our season finale edition of EMU TV on ESBBN! I know our show has been off the air for the last few months - as I’m sure you’ve heard a pack of drunken trolls held an all night rave in our broadcast centre! We’ve finally gotten the smell out of the place, well… er… most of it.
The good news is that we may finally have a decent, perhaps even literate, co-host! No more watching goblins fall off tables, orcs getting drunk, or flesh eating ogres! Heck, I was starting to feel like Jimmy Kimmel - but at least we get better guests! Like tonight we’ll be interviewing Iiri Bronzepriest from the EMU champs Stand Firm, his unholiness Nerfic BunnyPuncher president & founder of EMU and Malignant LLP, and Drego from the Bergherm Brutes makes his second appearance.
Now, let me introduce my new co-host! Let’s have a big round of applause for the highly respected BloodBowl scholar and anylyst Dr. Yohan Carlson!
*The camera pans back and the good doctor walks briskly across the stage. Halfway to the anchor desk he slips in what appears to be a left over pile of troll flop. Dr. Carlson shoots across the stage like a greased pig fired out of a cannon and smashes hard into the side of the desk*
By Nuffle! I really need to consider a new career. Hell, five minutes in and the show’s shot to -beep- *a voice of stage whispers “You can’t say -beep- on TV!”*
Awww hell, nobody’s watching anyhow. All right, let’s go to commercial because I need a drink and I need to find a new co-host.
*after a short commercial break for Orca-Cola the show returns. A rather shapely elven cheerleader is perched on Rent’s knee. Rent kills the last of his Dorf’s Finest, motions for the cheerleader to sit in the chair beside him and stares drunkenly into the camera*
Alright, we’re back! Meet my new co-host, and new wife, Mindy Bustings! I met her outside while having a smoke during commercial break. Say hello to the people Mindy!
*giggle*
I couldn’t have said it any better myself! Let’s bring out my boss Nerfic BunnyPuncher, he’s going to review the final standings for EMU’s first season!
*Nerfic walks onto stage to chorus of boos, he smiles his used car salesorc smile, hops over the troll flop and sits down in the guests chair*
Ha Ha! Thanks for having me on Rent! Yes I am here to let everyone know the final standings for our first season. I am pleased to announce that Stand Firm coached by Barash are inaugural EMU Cup Champions! If you just look at Mindy’s chest… er I mean the big board behind me you’ll see how the top five teams in the union finished Ha Ha!
1. Stand Firm - Barash - 91 points
2. Blissfull Brutality - Father Dagon - 79 points
3. Bergherm Brutes - Suenson - 67 points
4. Morr’s Avengers - SgtMofo - 37 points*
5. Rats with Huge Freaking Socks - Bunny Puncher - 18
Ha Ha! Terrible results in my opinion! Not a single Orc team in the top 5! It’s a travesty! But congratulations to the winners! You can see the rest of the results on the old-world-wide-web at…
http://fumbbl.com/FUMBBL.php?page=group&op=view&group=160
Thank you Mr. BunnyPuncher, I assume you will stay on to present the championship trophy at the end of the show?
*Nerfic looks irritated and checks his pocket watch, stands up, drops his watch, bends over to pick it up and looks up Mindy’s skirt before sliding into the other guest chair*
I’ll take that as a yes! Our second guest, making his second appearance is Drego, that lovable Ogre who’s not at all shoveable! Big hand everyone for Drego!
*Drego the ogre bounds onto the stage, stops briefly to sniff the troll flop on stage, and collapses into his chair grinning ear to ear*
Well Drego you must be very happy, your team finished in third place and littered the field with elf corpses! What are you going to do to celebrate your success on the field?
*Drego’s brow wrinkles in thought as he leans into the microphone*
Me and Dorf brothers will embark on great crusade. All through old-world we hear many taverns have much beer. This beer shall all be ours. Dorf brothers and I shall quench our thirst for ale now that we have quenched our thirst for blood! Many taverns will we smash, many wenches will be conquered, and many brawls shall we enjoy.
Well Drego, I wish you well in your great crusade! Try to get back before the start of next season, as we at ESBBN are looking forward to some great matches!
Well Mindy, any questions for all Drego here? Don’t be shy!
*Mindy giggles and leans over to talk into Drego’s microphone, her ample cleavage struggling to remain concealed*
Well, y’know like, when in Shrek, he like says, Ogres are like onions. Like, is that true?
*Drego nods, and says “Layers”*
Great question Mindy, very relevant! All right, our final guest of the evening is Iiri Bronzepriest, representing the EMU Cup Champions STAND FIRM!!!!
*The crowd erupts into cheers while Rent shakes his fist yelling “woot woot woot woot woot.” A short rotund heavily bearded dwarf walks onto stage and does a back-flip and a quick dance.*
I see you are showing the crowd the Booty Call! That’s Iiri’s patented touch down celebration for those of you who live in vans down by the river. Welcome to the show Iiri! Well you guys are the champs! How did you do it?
Well Rent *says Iiri while he vaults into his chair* it was a team effort, everyone gave a 110%, we took it one game at a time, and we got a great bunch of guys in the locker room.
Hmmm… I see your agent got to you before we did. Seriously Iiri let the folks at home in on the secret of your success this season! I mean you guy’s beat Dark and heck of a lot of other good teams!
Well, since mum don’t watch this show, I guess I can tell you how we did it. Well.. err this is kinda embarrassing Rent. But we do have a pre-game ritual that seems to work for us. You see um…. We… ahhhh… go to church and pray, then we have a picnic with our families, then we go home for a nap and cuddle with our wives.
*Nerfic jumps out of his chair outraged*
WHAT! That’s disgusting! What you do in the privacy of your homes is one thing! But announcing this.. this… perversity and filth on my TV station is another. If you think I’m going to give *MY* EMU Championship Cup to this crop of… of… goody-goodies, you my son are mistaken!
*Nerfic lunges for the EMU Championship Cup. Iiri cuts him off using his amazing agility and hip-checks Nerfic into the back wall of the set. The backdrop collapses and Iiri grabs the cup, gives it a kiss, and bolts for the exit one step ahead of several red-armoured orc blitzers*
*from beneath the debris of the fallen backdrop Nerfic can be heard screaming “Kill him! Kill them all! I want my cup back! Kill them my pretties! Kill Kill Kill! Ha Ha!” Rent looks at the chaos around him as orcs and dwarves battle for the departed cup, grabs his bottle of whisky, picks up Mindy in one arm and moves to a relatively blood and debris clear spot on the stage*
I think we may have reached a new low in TV broadcast history today! If we’re not careful we’ll be moved to FOX *shudder*. Good night folks, Rent Brockman and ESBBN Sports News signing off! See ya next week for the start of the new season!" |
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BunnyPuncher
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
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| Posted:
Oct 18, 2003 - 19:49 |
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EMU TV Special Edition
Good evening once again, I'm Rent Brockman and welcome to our special edition of EMU TV on ESBBN! Tonight we are taking you Blodgerstown to visit EMU’s most sacred shrine The Hall of Heads!
The EMU Hall of Heads contains the preserved skulls of the victims of the iron-shod hordes of EMU. While the hall is quite small for now, I’m sure it will fill up nicely over the next year hehe!
With me is the custodian of the Hall of Heads, Dawn of the Dead’s Tender Rotter who’s expertise in embalming practices are legendary! Lead the way Tender!
*The large mummy waves to the camera and shambles down the hall, He stops at the first door on the right and waves Rent in*
Wow. Here it is folks! The Hall of Heads. When you stand here you can’t help but feel a chill as you see the history of EMU laid before you in pickled severed heads! And look at the detailed expressions on each face! You can really see the pain on their features and they took their dirt nap!
Tender, what do you do with the bodies after you take the heads?
*The mummy makes a tearing motion with his hands, frowns, and rubs his stomach*
Oh I see, the bodies are gone before you get the heads! Makes your… er… life… easier I guess!
Let’s take a look at each victim now!
Tommy Lineman of Elf Soldiers killed by the Bergherm Brutes http://fumbbl.com/FUMBBL.php?page=player&op=view&player_id=113406
Tu Kool Blitzer of Dark Star killed by Blissful Brutality. Nice trophy, he was a Str 4 Blitzer! http://fumbbl.com/FUMBBL.php?page=player&op=view&player_id=191868
Purlonymous Frisk Blitzer of the Drakhnal Daemons killed by the Bergherm Brutes http://fumbbl.com/FUMBBL.php?page=player&op=view&player_id=195768
Carl Queen Lineman of Fairies of the Faraway Forest killed by Stand Firm http://fumbbl.com/FUMBBL.php?page=player&op=view&player_id=131251
Selwayn Shurebow Lineman of Drak Wald Rangers killed by Morr’s Avengers http://fumbbl.com/FUMBBL.php?page=player&op=view&player_id=234056
Moldy Lineman of the Tree Fellars killed by It Hurts So Good* http://fumbbl.com/FUMBBL.php?page=player&op=view&player_id=328541
Nightcrawler Lineman of X-Men X killed by It Hurts So Good* http://fumbbl.com/FUMBBL.php?page=player&op=view&player_id=312225
Jean Grey Lineman of X-Men X killed by It Hurts So Good* http://fumbbl.com/FUMBBL.php?page=player&op=view&player_id=312445
Varnak Raddim Lineman of Black Panthers Killed by Varg Skallagarz http://fumbbl.com/FUMBBL.php?page=player&op=view&player_id=378794
Quite a collection here, and each given such a beautiful monument and plaque! Despite the grisly contents, most of these displays wouldn’t look out of place in your own living rooms! Very tasteful. What’s next Tender?
*the Mummy Shuffles over to the second door and points at the sign above it*
Lemme get my glasses out. It says ahh… The Hall of Those Who Got Away. Well, let’s go and see what’s in there.
*Rent opens the door and motions the camera crew to follow him. In this second room stands a massive obelisk on which dwarves runes are carved*
That’s one big rock! Aha… it’s a monument to those who survived contact with EMU members but lost large amounts of flesh! Let’s take a look at the names!
Hounorable Mentions (SI with Niggle or Stat Drop)
Stalker Lineman of the Bilbali Ravens niggled by Blissful Brutality
Copper Lineman of Pure Though niggled by Mousetrap
Belial Chesm Lineman of the Draknal Daemons niggled and retired by the Bergherm Brutes
Catatonica Witch Elf of Dark -STR and retired by Stand Firm
Ilyan Lineman of Overly Enthusiastic niggled by Motor Mice from Mars
Whirlwind Arthas Wardancer of Drak Wald Rangers niggled by Morr’s Avengers
Necrothir Lineman of the Anlec Citadels agility drop by the Bergherm Brutes
Undreth, Not Really Sure What Hes Doing in the Moosetamers Lineman of Malekiths Moosetamers agility dropped by Stand Firm
Jack Ryan Lineman of Spies and Agents agility dropped by Varg Skallagarz
Austin Powers Lineman of Spies and Agents movement dropped by Varg Skallagarz
Simon Templar Lineman of Spies and Agents movement dropped by Varg Skallagarz
Absolutely fascinating! Well Tender, we’ve seen the Hall of Heads and the Honourable Mentions shrine so now what?
*The mummy points to the third door that has a glowing red exit sign above it and begins pushing Rent and his camera crew towards it*
Hey! Hands off you flapping mound of toilet paper I get the point! Let’s get out of here boys! Good night folks, Rent Brockman and ESBBN Sports News signing off! See ya next time! |
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