In the first round of the current XFL gobbo tournament Linnanherra's Carbon Monoxide Stalins were a 610 TV underdog against Coach HandyKaufman's Weaponz.
Great strategy and certainly to be feared in any head to head gobbo match. Without a doubt he came into the match stacked with bribes, a second wife, and dundadada the treacherous Morg 'N Thorg.
It proved to be a spectacular choice for both teams.
Opening play Morg BH's the Weaponz' other Big 'Un Yella Stank Tooth with an opening blitz. Yella failed his regen roll and had to spend the match watching his Legendary teammate fix things for the Weaponz' coach.
In turn two gobbo lineman Fugyer CRating was able stretch out a gfi to mark a TZ on the Stalins' lonely pogo master, Apart Ripper. Good for the Weaponz, until...
Turn 3, second move in, things got real grim for the Weaponz' and real bright for Stalins and their bootlegged Ogre. Morg lich slapped Arnold into a Badly Hurt coma. Three turns and the Weaponz had no trolls and no ball and chain, forcing coach K to make an all or nothing choice.. spend the Apoth and watch the Stalins chew up his little doods or trust that Arnold could get his mushroom gutz to spawn a new brain. BellyBurst pulled through and watched from the reserve box as Apart Ripper lost his nerves. Later the same turn the, not so pogo master, slipRIP'd a dodge to escape the slimy hands of Fugyer CRating. This unfortunate blood stain of a trip left the ball within grasp of the Weaponz' saw, fan favorite, and Fugyer CRating.
Fan favorite, Throw Troll Guy, was able to blitz off a TZ and gain control of the ball. He zeroed in on the enemy end zone and was eager to refresh his team's chances to have a balanced match when Coach K spied a long opportunity to get some chance hits with the saw. Coach K signaled in the stall. The Weaponz managed to get the team back and outnumbered the Stalins in their own back field. Morg survived a turn 5 massawcre with a timely stun hacked out by Hank Stamper jr. jr. Errant bombs were thrown with positive results but meager effect.
The Stalins, being out of position and seeing the stall going deep into the first half, pushed the action. Revisionist, the Stalins lino gobbo dodged though zones and made a 2d against block coming up double arrows, he decided to push Throw Troll Guy to score, giving the Monoxide slide a fresh chance to even the score with two turns left in the first half.
Morg proved his investment with another first move block resulting in a splattering of Fugyer's nose. The Weaponz' small time hero was forced to spend the rest of the game in the infirmary with a Badly Hurt face. At the time no one could see it, but something was ticking in Arnold BellyBurst's newly spawned brain. The gears of his internal clock were grinding and spinning and wizzing. He was experiencing a feeling he had never really felt before... He thought to himself "Maaibee I kun getz deez S P P'z widout beeun gibbin una doze MBP'z!" (for those of you who don't know... or even care to know... Arnold is a Legend and looks great on paper... but he is garbage... his legend status really was gifted to him by his coach). The Stalins' turn 7 ended with an untimely set of skullz leaving the ball un harrased by TZ's and within Weaponz' lino Fiver Diver's reach. After some positioning the dodges by the Weaponz were flawless and the pick up was successful. Turn 8 of the first half had the Stalins looking down the double barrel shotgun of a Weaponz' 2-0 lead and receiving in the second half. They pushed Fiver Diver around a bit but couldn't pop the ball loose. Morg scored exclamation points versus his target. A fumbled bomb ended their turn stopping hopes of themselves thwarting a coupleofdodgesgoahead score by Diver.
"Nowz eye duz it lykez cowch K droz it up!" Said BellyBurst, as he yanked Stalin's rookie Troll Stalinki's arm out of its socket, bringing his knee up across Stalinki's elbow hyperMNGextenfailedregending the sad troll's forearm tendons. BellyBurst turned to his ball hugging team mate Diver, pointed at the endzone and screamed "Two Three's and we're good! RUN!" Coach K was dismayed by the perfect vernacular of his once worthless Troll, but agreed with him and repeated the same words with some extra flair "RUN! you ****ing lucker!"
Fiver Diver scored leaving the Stallins rookie packed roster wondering if two balls and a Thorg could save them from a one and done in this XFL debut.
Early second half an errant kick and an early stun on Morg put the weapons in great position. The Weaponz' armor proved true metal as Metal Militia the Weaponz' Star lino glided down the side line. The fence the built, proved solid enough to score some surfs while the Stalin's dice came up empty. Arnold took a few hits but he shook them off and prepared himself for his true awakening.. A rerolled triple dice desperation blitz by Morg could only muster up a push against the Weaponz' star sisestepping blodger so the Weaponz opted for a 3-0 reset and a dominating lead.
Turn 4 of the second half and the Weaponz' coach K was feeling real positive about his chances to advance to the second round of this tournament. Something Kaufman had only done twice in his minor and major tournament career and one of those times was from a forfeit. Remember though this isn't HandyK's match... It's Arnold BellyBurst's match.
The kick was easily covered by the rookie gobbs and Arnold was able to stave off a Morg blitz leaving the two Big 'Uns staring at each other at the opening of turn 5. Biggee Smaller, the experienced goblin blodger cleaned up an assisting tackle zone by blitzing off Kokkelipiima into the KO box. Weaponz' pogo dood came around the backside of Arnold to put him 2 dice up on the Orgre Mega Super Dood Star.
"I'z kun dew diz!" was the last thing Morg heard as the bucket up blood was spilt from his RIP'd body.
Coach K pumped his fist with a resounding "YES!" and the crowd went nutz!
Cruise control for the Weaponz.
The Stalins reached deep into their play book and executed a well practiced hand off gobbo toss scurry into the EZ to avoid a shut out.
3-1 turn 6 Stalins kick to Weaponz. Coach K told his players during the break "Just stay healthy, we have a tournament to play in and I need all of you guys."
BellyBurst responded "Kun I'z maaekz dem notz hethly?"
"Yes, Arnold, YES!" Coach K had never been prouder of a troll in his life.
After the kick the Weaponz scrambled to protect the ball in case of disaster. Tossed a block to soften the Stalins up and then let the "Morg Skwisher" loose. BellyBurst wound up his clock real tight and then sprung into action like a cookoo bird. He reached across the midfield line and squeezed the troll, Leninki's throat so tight his tongue shot out of his mouth and his eyeballs burst! Two turns Two RIP's for Arnold!
Some pushing around ensued resulting in an affirming turn 8 score by the wickedly sharpened Weaponz team. 4-1.
Shout out to coach Linnanherra. He was a trooper and really gave me a scare early in the match.
Shout to Nuffl you shining beast of a pain in my arse.
and Shout out to those of you read this and care to appreciate my dood Arnold "Morg Skwisher" BellyBurst.