*Congratulations! Your state's bribe has been accepted by the Untied Nations (UN), your people are now a member of the most generous and responsible organization on the planet! We regret to inform you that your first representative was tragically consumed by our peace goblins during his trek up the treacherous Spires of Friendship. Please send a new, less delicious envoy ASAP. Thank you.*
Deep in the heart of the deadly, ungoverned province of Neutralia
, lie the foreboding Spires of Friendship
. These nearly impassable peaks are home to all manner of lethal obstacles and malevolent denizens. Most notably, the vicious and blood-hungry Peace Goblins that make their nests at the base of these spires and eagerly consume anyone foolish enough to wander in.
Atop the very highest peak lies the conical castle 'Humanitariax
,' the headquarters for the Untied Nations, the most powerful ruling body in the world. Here, nations squabble and bluff, barter and coerce one another in a mostly civilized medium. They set the rules that govern the trade, travel, and most importantly conflict that occurs between nations on an ever-changing global map. They organize skirmishes to keep armies trim. They keep watch over special World Aggression Reduction
) events. Once a year, they host the World WAR
in Neutralia itself, awarding the winner the most coveted Hegemophy
and naming rights over newly discovered territories.
This year, the 12 greatest nations have called the UN to session and have already begun maneuvering their way towards the Hegemophy. Alliances, wars, espionage, regulations, subterfuge, and more can and will change the course of history for the world forever. This is the Politics of Blood Bowl!
Unfinished Starting Map:
Population: 4.5 Million
Government: Monday Night Dictatorship
Social System: Team Caste (Coaches, Players, Ushers, Fans)
Main Export: Hail maries
Main Import: Debilitating injuries
Cheif Method of Transportation: Going long
Climate: Mild, low winds, perfect for a game
Population: 1.8 Million
Government: Dual Feudal Retrocracy
Social System: Wolf Pack in theory, Dog Fight in practice
Main Export: Sheddings
Main Import: Pats on the head
Cheif method of transportation: Fetch
Number Of Ancient Momuments Defiled: 10,388
Population: 22 Million
Government: Accepting Applications
Social System: FFA
Main Export: Refugees
Main Import: Refused Refugees
Military Motivation Signs Read: Pack a lunch, don't snack a friend
Illiteracy Rate: 100%
Government: Brute Forcism
Social System: Sweat Caste (Drenched, Soaked, Mild, Dry)
Main Export: Insults
Main Import: Humility
Average IQ: Number of teeth
Highest Number Taught In Schools: 19
Population: 15 Million
Goverment: Subterranian Democracy
Social System: Dump-Off, Trickle-Down
Main Export: Mysterious smells
Main Import: Toilet paper
Unholy Roman Empire
Government: Spin-Zone Reverse Theocracy
Social System: Re-startisans grow from professional unprentices
Main Export: An endless tide of nightmare hordes
Main Import: Chiropractors
Average lifespan: Woeful eternity
Common Hobbies: Bemoaning the ever-suffering of undeath, hacky sack
Population: 12 Million
Government: Culinary Socialism
Social System: The fed and the feed
Main Export: Impolite Dinner Conversation ("You going to finish your...friend there?")
Main Import: Recipes
Those Leftovers In The Fridge: Probably spoilt
Average UN Manners Index Rating: Dead last
Population: 3 Million
Government: Benevolent Marxism
Social System: True equality for all citizens, also Fearless Leader is there
Main Export: Doctrine
Main Import: Glory
Fearless Leader: Will guide us
National Past-Times: Tennis, spying on your neighbors
Perspective coaches, the pitch:
The PoBB is a league driven by fluff and unique gameplay. Each year of the game progresses through 4 seasons of small round robin matches, at the end of which the crappiest player that season is appointed the secretary general of the UN. It is his job to come up with 3 motions to present to the coaches, who will vote one into place for the rest of the year. Here is an example of a set of motions from Winter:
#1 Border Defense Act
-All nations must increase border security in order to protect their citizens.
It is required that no less than five players can be on the LoS to start a drive. If a team has less than five players available, all of them must be on the LoS. There is no required way to set up these five (or more,) players, outside of normal BB rules (minimum 3 in center area, limit 2 on outside.)
#2 Radio Silence
-Due to a perplexing series of complaints about the effect of radio waves on battlefield by codgity old behind-the-times citizens, the UN hereby bans all radios and long ranged communication from the field. They have issued standard-grade SAPs (shot-air poultry) to all combatants in the GUJ. These birds require a minimum take off and landing time, however, so their range is quite fixed.
The quick pass, long pass, and long bomb are now banned. Only the short pass may be attempted. This rule does not affect TTM.
#3 Universal Healthcare
-Because of the damage to civilian populations, many battlefield doctors are being recalled from the frontlines in order to help out.
Every team must fire their Apo immediately, and cannot hire another one for the duration of the GUJ. Likewise, the first player who successfully regenerates CANNOT come back into the game. If a team has both an apo and a player or two who regenerates, then tough luck! Better hope your troops have sufficient body armor...
These motions can be ALMOST ANYTHING, in the actual league there is an exhaustive UN charter covering the process.
At the end of each season, any coach may declare WAR on another coach, who may accept or decline. WAR does not have to played. The exception to this rule is if during a regular match your opponent killed your highest SPP player or the MVP of that game, you MUST go to WAR!
After all 4 seasons there is an elimination tournament with all the nations called the World War. Nations that scored better during the year will be seeded higher, earning potentially multiple byes.