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Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 10, 2019 - 07:44 Reply with quote Back to top

Allegations of Foul Play In The Southern Wastelands
There were angry scenes outside the Theatre of Breams today, as the Scoundrels collapsed to a 2-1 loss against some dead blokes with a suspiciously large pair of boots. Afterwards, Rising Star Pinkeye Growthspurt had this to say to his fans:

"It's an utter disgrace. The ref today must have been dug up last week, sending me off for gently tickling that zombie. When a player like me with my record can't do my job, it treats the game with contempt. Doesn't he know I've got a medal to win?"

Pressed on what he meant, the beloved Pinkeye, usually one of the happy-go-luckiest players in the entire league, set out what he called a conspiracy to deprive him of well-deserved glory. "Three seasons now, I've had to watch that aristocratic snob grinning away. Here I am, putting in the hard boots every week, and some limp-ankled, sneaky little git gets all the recognition."

A roving reporter from the Grotty Little Newsletter enquired if Pinkeye was upset about the loss to the Horrortahs, the plucky goblins defeated after what looked like an 16-in-81 chance of getting away with a late run from Mrs Legneck.

"Don't be stupid, sunshine" ranted Pinkeye. "We're here for the love of the game, right? We've won enough games already this season, I'm fine with letting somebody else get a few victories. What irks me is that toffee-nosed prig from the Warpstones, fouling away in the Premiership while honest goblins like me are slaving away in the Regionals without any respect. And you can tell he's complacent - you tell me an All-Star fouler should be putting in 11 fouls in 4 games? He's off the boil and cruising on autopilot, and this was meant to be my game to show you all how it's done."

Pinkeye descended into near-incomprehensible raving, before getting his breath back and issuing a challenge.

"If you've got any respect for the sport, Harry Thusa or whatever your name is, you'll accept my challenge for a foul-off at the end of the season. 16 ground blitzes each, and may the best goblin win!"

Pinkeye was dragged away from the fans to receive a stern talking to from the coach about whether or not "winning isn't everything, it's playing the game that's important". Complimentary shards of a rock that had been used to remove Ivan 'The Animal' Deathshroud from the game, was offered as compensation to those who had to put up with Mr Growthspurt's diatribe.


Joined: Oct 12, 2013

Post   Posted: Jul 31, 2019 - 12:47
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The SWL LXXVII Team Achievements

Turns (1151): Malice Renegades!
Completions (11): Praag Riders & Cocoa Speed
TDs (10): Blackwater Cockfighters
Cas (18): Southern Horrortahs
SPP (137): Blackwater Cockfighters
Passing yards (41): Darkmore
Rushing yards (311: Blackwater Cockfighters
Blocks (339): Blood Crag Stripes
Fouls (32): Singed Poor Scoundrels
Blocks/Cas (12.6): Darkmore
Pass/Cp (5.7): Eternia Greyskulls
Kills (4): Blackwater Cockfighters

Turns (1166): Haunted All-Sorts
Completions (24): Yeast Lords
TDs (17): Lab Rat Elysium
Cas (28): Redgum's Rationalists
SPP (129): Lab Rat Elysium
Passing yards (82): Morning Breakfast Cereal
Rushing yards (288): Lab Rat Elysium
Blocks (350): Chrimean Chimera
Fouls (37): In De Nile
Blocks/Cas (12.0): Redgum's Rationalists
Pass/Cp (6.7): TingBuDong
Kills (4): Bravado & Immortalis Inquietus & Chrimean Chimera

Turns (1171): Blue Mountain Giants
Completions (10): Wildwood Windlords
TDs (13): Waaaaghton Redskins
Cas (23): [adult swim]
SPP (110): [adult swim]
Passing yards (37): Wildwood Windlords
Rushing yards (218): Unicorn Gunfight
Blocks (353): Blue Mountain Giants
Fouls (25): Styx αnd Warpstones
Blocks/Cas (11.6): Styx αnd Warpstones
Pass/Cp (4.2): Loec's Loggers
Kills (6): [adult swim]

Image The Unofficial Maester Whippy Dean Douglas Sundae
Image Kepra II (Southern Horrortahs) 18 spp

The SWL Season LXXVII Awards

Image Image Stuart, the End Level Guy (Blackwater Cockfighters) 13 TDs
Image Image Scotty, the Minstrel (Blackwater Cockfighters) 10 cas
Image Image Taoldech Burningflaw (Malice Renegades!) & ImageDjemoazzuch Shadowmarked (Malice Renegades!) & ImageBraymzirrild Cindershadow (Malice Renegades!)113 turns
Image Image Stuart, the End Level Guy (Blackwater Cockfighters) 151 rushing yards
Image Image Sable Kane (Darkmore) 44 pass yards
Image Image Pinkeye Growthspurt (Singed Poor Scoundrels) 17 fouls
Image Image Savage Truth (Blood Crag Stripes) & Image Manshape Gutwart (Singed Poor Scoundrels) 61 blocks
Image Image Stistko (Praag Riders) & Image Sable Kane (Darkmore) 7 cps
Image Image Scotty, the Minstrel (Blackwater Cockfighters) 4.5 block/cas
Image Image Draven Jezzine (Eternia Greyskulls) 7 pass/cp

Image Image Stuart, the End Level Guy (Blackwater Cockfighters) 42 SPP

Image Image Artoria Donatiana (Immortalis Inquietus) 10 TDs
Image Image Khorharr Ironhand (Bronzed Raiders) 9 cas
Image Image Gráinne Ní Mháille (Port Royal Poachers) 114 turns
Image Image Artoria Donatiana (Immortalis Inquietus) 232 rushing yards
Image Image Jade (Morning Breakfast Cereal) 61 pass yards
Image Image Munnion (Didgeridead) 23 fouls
Image Image Dan Dan (Bravado) 86 blocks
Image Image Surveillance Doe (Yeast Lords) & Image Aníror (Phoenix Academy Sharp Shooters) 11 cps

Image Image Fingaeron (Phoenix Academy Sharp Shooters) 5.67 block/cas
Image Image Jade (Morning Breakfast Cereal) 6.1 pass/cp

Image Image Artoria Donatiana (Immortalis Inquietus) 30 SPP

The Disco Dan Ball
Image Image Vance Maximus, Renegade Starsoldier ([adult swim]) 8 TDs

The Replacemnt Knuckles
Image Image Salamoneus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 8 cas

The Touchstone Heart
Image Image Happy Dancer (Waaaaghton Redskins) 115 turns

The Xies-ler-aym Slipper
Image Image Freezie Pop (Unicorn Gunfight) 159 rushing yards

The Manfred von Richthofen Arrow
Image Image Longbough (Wildwood Windlords) 36 pass yards

The John Stone Boot
Image Image Arethusa (Styx αnd Warpstones) 19 fouls

The Eth'el Shield
Image Image The Ur-Nugget (Unicorn Gunfight) & Image B.I.G (Waaaaghton Redskins) 77 blocks

The Emilio Luthien Boomerang
Image Image Longbough (Wildwood Windlords) & Image Erinyes (Styx αnd Warpstones) 8 cps

The Geoffrey Grimwade Fist
Image Image Greenbranch Sister-Stem (Loec's Loggers) 6.2 block/cas

The Duskwind Strongarm
Image Image Longbough (Wildwood Windlords) 4.5 pass/cp

The Duke Snakefield Medallion
Image Image Vance Maximus, Renegade Starsoldier ([adult swim]) & Image Impak (Waaaaghton Redskins) 26 SPP

Joined: Feb 20, 2019

Post   Posted: Aug 07, 2019 - 02:41 Reply with quote Back to top

A brief statement from Coach DanteMordicain

After a average first season, I have had a serious talk to the boys about how a draw is not a "moral victory" and they have seemingly understood that if there's not more wins, there will be less Dwarves.

With a couple of new rookies to replace the lazy Dawi that did sweet FA all last season, and a quick call to Jim's Mowing, the team looks to be a in a solid position moving into their second season.

At least, they better be.

Joined: May 29, 2011

Post   Posted: Aug 07, 2019 - 06:07 Reply with quote Back to top

The T&P show, now on forums near you, donate to fumbbl!

P: The teams have been out raising funds, Terence, who's staying in the lineups for the big time in season 78?

T: Phillip, let's not get ahead of ourselves, who's even in the running for the premier division preview of the

Image Southern Wastes League: Season LXXVIII

T: As always, eight teams will line up for the title. In a shock announcement the winners of Season LXXVII, the "adult" Orcs, have said they intend to "pardy hardy" for the duration, and will not be attending.

P: Their coach is a notorious one and done type, that doesn't shock me at all, Terence.

T: Shush, Phillip, it's shocking, shocking!

Image Waaaaghton Redskins, ~1820. You know what else is shocking, the Waaaaghton Orcs legend, Impak, says he's feeling better than he has in a long time, and looks forward to collecting his stay-on bonuses. His long-standing team-mates have declared they will be needing a similar payout to stay on, but Happy Dancer and Borc may find another thing coming. They'll still be the biggest squad here, though.

P: Waaaaton were close last season, so many hits on the ball against the adult Orcs, just didn't come free. Who else stays up, there must be one more?

T: You know there is, Phillip, we discussed this earlier.

Image Pugs not Drugs, ~1690. These necromantic horrors are perennial premier players, famed superstar woof Chocolate is back in fighting form, but the late destruction of young Golem Candy Cane has left the last team old head Jawbreaker wanting to take up coaching. Good luck to the old ... monster.

P: It's the illusion of media, Terence, work with me. Who else is in for a skinning?

T: As of now, it's the quick and dead, Phillip. Wood Elf, Smambling Undead, Khemri Tomb Kings, Skaven, High Elf, and more High Elf.

P: Word is, Tererce, High Elfs Rule!

T: Uh, that I can agree with, glad we've finally put those Goblins to bed. High Elfs rule, with the right skill set, and some luck on the injury front.

Image Phoenix Academy Sharp Shooters, ~1630. These fine elves have collected more than enough cash to carry them into prem, and superstar catcher Ruindolon is keen for a shot at the title. Can he carry the team on his own? Probably not, no, no leap you see.

Image Yeast Lords, ~1610. These, uh, yeasty elves are likewise rich with cash, star catcher Lord Daysius is still feeling those old injuries though, and he's up for taking a few hits along this bumpy road. No leap, how sad, too bad.

P: Terence, high elves don't need leap and luck to win, they made it to premier division SWL without it after all!

T: This is premier, they need leap. Just look at these dead teams!

Image Immortalis Inquietus, ~1670. They may have to trim the bench, and then some, it's a big squad and they've no more money than anyone. Key sacking playmaker Vibenia Pusinna is asking for danger pay given the sort of players he'll be asked to wrestle in this contest. There's some great young talent in the team, but they and the superstar Artoria Donatiana surely can't win enough games up here alone.

Image Didgeridead, ~1710. Flush with cash, but paying young legend-in-the-making Niabatteroo takes a toll when Doolabin and Windacool have decided they will not enter another contest togther! How rude is that! Both insist they are the best Guardian who will take the pitch. I expect the winner of that argument to not survive the season.

P: Terence, come on, not everyone's Guardians get trashed in premier, also that was a long time ago, and best forgotten about.

T: Mmm. The last here is the fast. Returning Wood Elf and Skaven, no one quicker, no one deader. Other than the dead teams above, of course.

Image Lab Rat Elysium, ~1740. It seems superstar gutter Bell-Kat Billy-Ho is asking for more cash. He'll get it for sure, that is a game-winning rat. How the rest of the team comes out of that demand will be a curious thing indeed, but it looks like a short bench has been called for. Bad luck, Bell-Kat, no hiding for you, enjoy your "bonus".

Image Bravado, ~1650. More woodies in prem, they seem to enjoy the short visits, and the odd title. Superstar dancer Dan Dan continues to earn well above his recognised pay grade, and the coach is happy to pay it. Quite how he'll fit a whole 11-elf team into the budget is anyone's guess, but someone's going home.


P: That's all we've got time for, if these squads all make it to the starting line, that'll be our Season LXXVIII premier division, the big Orcs, and their challengers.

Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image


Joined: May 29, 2011

Post   Posted: Aug 14, 2019 - 07:20 Reply with quote Back to top

The T&P Show back on woo-tube, borrowed a mate's crystal ball.

P: Those predictions for premier were a bit off, the Orcs are almost the smallest after paying out for their three oldest players, even the stupid Troll!

T: Thanks Phillip. We do not make predictions. Other than agreeing that High Elves need leap. At least they all turned up!

P: They made prem without leap, Terence, there's not a High Elf team in the whole competition with a known leaper. Stop being silly. It's not all about leaping games, you don't see Wood Elves winning premier.

T: You'd have seen them winning Premier in Season LXXV and LXXVI if you'd been about the place! You might just see it this time too.

P: But onto the reggies preview!

Image Southern Wastes League: Season LXXVIII


T: There's ten teams in each, twenty in total, a huge turnout of young squads helping to boost the casualty and touchdown counts of last season's cherries dropped out of Confs, plus a few who didn't make the main divisions just yet.

Fáelan the Fleet Regional

Image Nuffle's Decaydence. Big for reggies at 1540, Kubler and Bubba the Bungalow are going to annoy a lot of teams on the way to winning this.
Image Blood Crag Stripes. Off to a bone-cracking start from 1520, Stone Silence making room for Fade Sorrow to run them in. Misses the Nurgs, safe as.
Image Kraka Drak Kneecappers. Solid team at 1470, intending to win a few this time around, should do too, hard for any team to stop a deathroller drive with a bit of guard about. May lack for bribes.
Image Dead Coast Decimators. Should be an easy start from 1350 hitting new teams, Expect Bree and Gal to make some big playes, then the bigger rocks above to finish will be a different story.
Image Sakh'Alin Tigers. Huge threat at the worst of times starting at 1250, these new elfs will grow to threaten premier in no time, if superstar in the making Priygat the Magnificent survives reggies OK.
Image Déjà Voodoo. Just 1180 for the new bones in town, it was a rough start, but they'll have the tools they need soon enough, Emeric Savoie and Baptiste Bonvillain showing great early promise.
Image Waters of Duat. New zons at 1180 are lucky to skip the big Dwarfs altogether, but they've taken on monsters in the trial already and are still here.
Image Leopold Leeches. New vamps had a rough encounter or two in the blooding as well, 1140 and carrying wounded already. They'll be looking to earn big somewhere for the rebuy.
Image SWL Pinch Hitters. Some sort of rag tag bunch out of nowhere, humans tend to like regionals, but 1090 is a low starting point.
Image Oakland Ratters. A season for building after trial losses, 1020 rats face the humans first, then into tougher opponents where a few hired star players may well show their worth.

Shntsyeooa Regional

Image We'reWho!. Massive reggies squad at 1550, should clean up if they survive the Chorfs second up, lovely pair of agile woofs in Fangface and Angua von Uberwald.
Image Redgum's Rationalists. Equally big at 1550, the massive pairing of Socrates and Aenesidemus will decimate teams down here, the just need the young marvel of Descartes to add some skills to his lightning speed.
Image Port Royal Poachers. This solid looking squad at 1480 includes the massive Gráinne Ní Mháille, gotta expect regular wins.
Image Gongoth Gargantuans Return. At just 1360, they have what it takes already to tear any team to bits, with a bit of luck, solid base to grow from.
Image Singed Poor Scoundrels. Big returning team for stunties, 1360, they won't get bribes against the youngest teams, but troll Manshape Gutwart and bomma Irene Shandyhands may not need the help to bully away a game or three.
Image More Food for Thawt. Smashed their trial games, at 1280 they've a hint of skilling on almost everyone, could grow fast if the stand up to every big bash team they meet this season.
Image Amateur Professionals. Sure things to win the lot with any luck, 1230 just getting started, could well dominate every game from start to finish.
Image Delmar Night Crawlers. A few promising players already in the new squad at 1200, Freddy’s Frozen Custard & Steakburgers in particular will be a menace to most teams.
Image Ekrund Warriors. New orcs looking to mirror the success of last season's champions in time, 1190, they have a way to go yet, good luck to them.
Image Slannish Inquisition. Young frogs looking to ask some questions of teams, at 1090 they won't be difficult questions just yet, but ... no one expects the Slannish Inquisition.


P: That was a terrible last joke, Terence. Terrible. I did not expect it of you.

T: Indeed.

P: This is the new squads, the growing squads, the future potential ruination of dreams, Season LXXVIII Regionals are kicking off and taking names.




Joined: Sep 08, 2016

Post   Posted: Aug 14, 2019 - 08:35 Reply with quote Back to top

"Coach? Coach!?"

The assistant knocks vociferously at the door. The PA eventually scrambles to the door and shoves the assistant coach to the side.

"Thank you for coming, I think something has attacked Coach, he has been wailing for minutes!" she exacerbates the tension and panic by flicking through keys until she fumbles onto the right one.

The assistant coach almost tramples over the PA to barge the door open, the hinges creak but the door stays attached.


They both stare at LictorZ, fetal position, sobbing into his knees in the corner of his office. By LictorZ's side the local paper, open at the sports section. An article written by Tussock appears prominent: Southern Wastes League - Season LXXVIII

The caterwauling subsides long enough for the Coach to make eye contact, a feeble attempt to form words fills the awkward silence "They have expectations of me now..."

Arr, I don't know what I'm doin'

Joined: Feb 20, 2019

Post   Posted: Aug 16, 2019 - 04:59 Reply with quote Back to top

A Brief Statement from Coach Dante Mordicain

Shut up lads! I told you what would happen if there was another draw.....

Oh. Right. The after match call.
Well, we went into the match with a bit of spare cash so I rung me old mate boomer and invited him down for a bit of a toss. Lazy sod didnt really do much but he looked fierce down there.
I told that bloke on the mower to get that big thing with the tentacles off my pitch, and he did a solid job, shame the damn thing kept getting up really.
Grim made a solid run down the field to score our one touchdown, and as a result has been given extra training and learnt how to sidestep a keg properly!
Wee Harok took a cracking blow, I don't think his breastplate will ever fit right again. But thats what you get when the appo has to crack it to bring you back from the dead.

All in all, a pretty solid start to the season. A mirror of the last match of last season even down to the final score. Well done to LictorZ for fighting back from an abominable first half and bringing it to a tie.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to start working out where to punch lizards so it hurts....

At this point the call was left open, and the coach could be heard yelling for someone to fetch him a practise skink

Joined: May 29, 2011

Post   Posted: Aug 16, 2019 - 10:29 Reply with quote Back to top

The T&P Show's crystal ball needed a trip to the enchanters, at our expense, after failing to transmit the conferences show. We're having to re-record, spiralling expenses may be gone but expensive mistakes persist.

P: There aren't even any High Elfs in conferences, Terence, why are we bothering?

T: Because these are the teams that'll take on this season's champion High Elves, whichever one of them takes leap first, hint hint, and also will be the challengers trying to hold off the young chargers from the reggies.

P: Future competition, fair enough, some of them will indeed be aiming to make premier, while others might be dreaming of relegation, but that could be unlikely if the rise in numbers this season leads to a conference expansion!

T: Bottom team always goes down, Phillip, just as the top team always goes up, let's see who that'll be in the confs preview!

Image Southern Wastes League: Season LXXVIII


T: Two conferences, sixteen teams vying for a shot at the premier title, or just to get an experience of the big time in the SWL, against the form teams, not to mention that premier bonus!

Tribute to Alan Parsons Conference

Image Blackwater Cockfighters team rating: 1680. Have to expect young Stuart, the End Level Guy, to help this team to a better record than their frenzied efforts have given them thus far. Old team, young players, could struggle against Guard, but hasn't so far this season.

Image Darkmore team rating: 1640. Great results first season have bought a big squad into confs, they have a plan, and that plan is passing to the blodge tackle blitzer swarm. It's worked so far, young Sceledrus Black helping present a threat.

Image Secret Wasteland Love team rating: 1590. Star Rhythm of Devotion leads the squad with Uncle Acid bringing the pain. The rest of the squad is pretty fresh, but they've a great record and were only just pipped for prem last time out.

Image ☠Refreshingly Dead☠ team rating: 1510. Lead abley by the superstar Marwolaeth, these abominations lack a little in ball handling skills, and with a big of tackle about they may not have the tools here to improve on a mid-table result. Still, they'll throw everything they have at everyone in their way.

Image In De Nile team rating: 1490. A couple seasons down, they've scraped in just enough wins to stay up in the confs, and have what it takes to do some tremendous damage. Can they use that to increase their scoring rate up to one a game? Maaaybe.

Image TingBuDong team rating: 1490. With players like Wang x Yangming about, plenty of solid guards to support, if they can find form, they could tear up any team and walk through the gaps. They'll be hoping to improve on their middling record over the years, and get a shot at those big, slow orcs that do love hiding up in premier. If Wang gets at any of the opposing key players, could be some easy wins.

Image Southern Horrortahs team rating: 1420. Just a slip of a young team up from reggies, but a solid starting record, just need a bit of tackle about the place to bring down any sneaky types, and a special player to keep them there. Not to mention a freak of a ghoul seems to come in very handy on these squads.

Image Skye Hoppers team rating: 1280. Paedophryne Amauensis (the 2nd) is the only older player on the squad, as their fund raising efforts struggled. Expect SliBli to lend a hand against the bigger teams here this season, he's always there for the massive underfrogs. I'm not sure any of these teams really suit the mass leaping approach, so much speed and hitting power about the place, it'll be a tribute to Alan Parsons, indeed: boing, boing, splat!

Public Service Announcement Conference

Image Secret Runners of Sydney team rating: 1620. These solid young skaven have screamed through the regions and dominated in the scoring department. There's some mean teams up here will look to take them apart off a thin bench, but they've been there before and won comfortably anyway. Have to expect to finally lose one somewhere up here, but you never know if they hold together, could well cut directly to prem.

Image Bronzed Raiders team rating: 1590. The tall hat men in this lot, including stars Korharr Ironhand and Gharzth Bronzehelm will make a mess of most teams, in short order. Can they use that to improve their results? Who knows, it's not been great so far, and there's a lot of old legs in the bunch that might not be around long even if they do make prem again.

Image Haunted All-Sorts team rating: 1570. All but made premier, these folk will be spoiling for a promotion. Star catcher Ruler has been sharing the load and the fame of late, might well be time to take command and sprint away with his glorious abilities, all the way to premier with his still-growing team behind him. Good luck avoiding the boot among this lot, young fella. Get there!

Image Blue Mountain Giants team rating: 1560. Dished out the pain in premier last season, but the results slipped them by, a bit of a fall for the Season LXXVI premier champions. Star Blitzers Flint Warmantle and Durin Grimmhammer remain the core of the team, and should do the business for them here. Expect a comfortable return to premier, and if they can build their young players in the shadow of the greats, more titles to come.

Image Chrimean Chimera team rating: 1530. Superstar Valen Varicella has carried for the team since the begining, not that's done them better than average along the way. There's some strong young talent in the team though, and an emerging killing instinct, along with some tentacly goodness, may well see their fortunes rise quickly. More than enough room for growth here, and the bench will help this season.

Image Malic Renegades team rating: 1530. A fresh team up from the regions, with a fair stack of casualties behind them. They've bought a long bench of fresh faces into a tough competition, and can expect to make use of them one way or another. They'll be hoping it's mostly the other.

Image Trondheim Hammers team rating: 1520. Young Bill saw them through reggies unbeaten, then the first game in confs brings them down to earth with a thunder crash. Will the rest of their season be Valhalla, or Hel? Climb that tree, boys, on and upward.

Image Styx αnd Warpstones team rating: 1480. Legendary Salemonius has been bringing the pain for seasons now, with Superstar Erinyeshelping out with the ball, but it wasn't enough for more than just barely off the bottom of premier. They're delighted, and will enjoy the opportunity to build a new team around them. PSA: This conf is not that much easier than prem!


P: Two tough conferences, by the look of it Terence, tremendous young upstarts, recent premier teams, amazing stars, even the Legend Salemonius!

T: Plus a few unfortunate squads for them to beat up along the way, Phillip, yes. But there's nothing between the teams in PSA conference, everyone one of them could make premier and hold themselves high for it, or at least not get last.

P: No free beer for them, then, Terence, Season LXXVII Conferences are well on, catch the action replays any time through your favourite ethereal services.




Joined: Sep 08, 2016

Post   Posted: Aug 16, 2019 - 16:42 Reply with quote Back to top

LictorZ asks "Can I please have a summarised report about our Round 1 game?"
After some paperwork shuffle, some staff member hands over a single sheet of paper.

1st half - Wat's dafuqin' point?
2nd half - Howdafuq dat draw happn'?

LictorZ raises a single eyebrow "Can we please find a new role for the Orc intern?"

Assistant coach speaks up "We were completely outplayed in the first half. Their tackling technique was flawless, and we are raising questions as to whether or not that really was a lawn mower on the pitch...

Second half our players stood tall despite the daunting opposition. We were able to flank them and wall them off, and our rookie played his part well, kept his nerve long enough to make it hard for the Dwarves to walk over us again."

LictorZ takes a deep drink of his Bloodweiser. "Full credit to Dantemordicain. He does provide amazing games for the fans. But we are going to need a better game plan. Who do we have next?"


"How many Tacklers have we??


LictorZ looks into the shallow depth of his drink "The Orc was right, 'wat's dafuqin point?'"

Arr, I don't know what I'm doin'

Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Aug 27, 2019 - 05:17 Reply with quote Back to top

Death Watch LXXVIII
"Welcome back, fans of fatalities, for another action packed slice of Blood Bowl from the deepest deaths of the Southern Wastes!"
"Deepest depths, Bob?"
"That too, Jim! Lie back and taste the pain everyone, it's time for a bumper edition of Death Watch!!!!"
"Er, Bob. You do know we only had eight deaths this week?"
"What, did the Scoundrels forfeit against the Rationalists?"
"Did everyone have a wandering apothecary?"
"Then why on Nuffle's green earth are the pickings so poor?"
"Bob, I can't help you there. Let's just get on and do this, shall we?"

Image Hinnoron is a Hinnor-gone, fouled by Osmond Bluerock. High Elf Catcher, 3 SPP.
"It's always nice when the first death of the season is an Elf, isn't it?"

Image Marwolaeth, Necromantic Werewolf, blocked by Bombina Orientalis II. 98 SPP.
"Not so much Marwolaeth, more like Marwodeath!"
"Bob, isn't it a bit early in the season for these laboured puns?"
"It's never to early, Jim. Still, there might not be much quantity this week but you don't normally see that kind of quality."
"That's right, Bob. That's the most experienced player to die since records began."
"To be fair, we've only been keeping records since last season..."
"And it's those frogs - last season it was Hundie failing to respawn after taking a hit from Leptobrachium Smithi III. They must be hopping mad."

Image Radley Rubeola, Nurgle Rotter, cleared up by Claracon. 0 SPP.
"You know, I distinctly remember thinking he looked a bit ill before the match. There's no way he should have been on the field in that condition."
"Well, he's all over the field now."

Image Dinglebat, Norse Lineman, Dinglebattered by Blemoa The Menace. 0 SPP.

Image Sam, Amazon Linewoman, slammed by Lobit the Swift. 0 SPP.

Image Prometheus, Norse Thrower, sent to discover some more fire by Anton Baron Dante. 0 SPP.
"Bob, I had no idea you were such a classicist."
"Huh? I don't care what class you are, Jim, I don't discriminate."

Image Viscardi Whisper, certainly won't be speaking softly after a foul from Boot-In. Dark Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Before the Curse of the Death Watch could even kick in...

Image Boot-In booted out by Sceledrus Black. Khemri Skeleton, 2 SPP.

"Well, that's not a big haul for this week. Was everyone wearing padded gloves?"
"Now, Bob, just look at the injuries this week..."

31 serious injuries. (Average was 26.5 in SWL LXXVII)
3 injuries from failed dodges, a satisfying punishment to those cowards fleeing a good beating. 1 foul and 1 chainsaw.
14 different kinds of injury were inflicted this week, with Gouged Eye being the most popular.


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Sep 04, 2019 - 07:35 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL LXXVIII Death Watch Week Two

"It's that time of the week again, casualty fans, when we review all the biggest hits and nastiest upsets in the Southern Wastes! After a quiet first round, the floodgates opened with a very lucky 13 deaths and 35 serious injuries, and one player retiring in general disgust!"
"Enough of the flim-flam, Jim! Let's get to the morgue!"

Image Ezzizord Blackborn, blocked by Boris. Chaos Pact Marauder, 2 SPP.
"Blackborn but unmourned."
"That's unskilled linemen for you, Jim."

Image Duane Dirtytree, cleaning up his act permanently after being surfed into the crowd. Human Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Bronlonious, blocked by Moolyarl. High Elf Catcher, 0 SPP.
"They left him on the pitch in the sunshine, Jim."
"Yep, and the stench as he rotted ... it was like Bronlonious Stunk."
"Is that our first classic jazz reference, Bob?"
"I think it is, Jim, I think it is..."

Image Lucien Michel, blocked by Octavian Dumitru. Khemri Tomb Guardian, 2 SPP.
"So, er ... who's guarding his tomb then?"

Image Grant Shocker, tripped over his shoelaces dodging and died. Human Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Bit of a shocker that they didn't use an apothecary on that highly experienced lineman, eh Jim?"

Image Coco Hart, put to bed without any cocoa by Hannah. Human Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Potbelly Sandwich, Elf Blitzer, now more than a few sandwiches short of a picnic after an encounter with Zhutag Nose Smasher. Elf Blitzer, 3 SPP.

Image Kevin Coldshield, turned a very strange colour by Zug Zug The Green. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Dan, the Ninja in Training, Norse Runner, helped to graduate from the University of Life by La Mort. Norse Runner, 39 SPP.

Image Zayne Drach, and it was whack to drach by the massive Wang x Yangming. Dark Elf Blitzer, 31 SPP.

Image Howard Deeprock, not feeling those Homey Vibes. Khemri Skeleton, 0 SPP.

Image Andromeda's Sacrifice, Dark Elf Lineman, Foul by Crusha. Dark Elf Lineman, 9 SPP.
"Well, we all have to make sacrifices, don't we?"
"Yes Jim, to the dark gods of the Death Watch Curse. That particular elf killed Lianna Cornell in a nasty bit of elf-on-elf action back at the start of the last season."
"Yup, no Bravado there, eh?"

Image Stan the creepy shopkeeper, now just a strange item in the bagging area after a hit from Ismail Warchester. Norse Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Torvinn Orcslayer, claimed by the Death Watch Curse - no, hang on, it was by Ian. Dwarf Trollslayer, 31 SPP.

Image Mattius Mumps, cured by Erebus. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.
"Bet he wished he'd missed that 'bus, eh Jim?"

After two weeks, some patterns are beginning to emerge. For example, Blood Bowl is a dangerous game.

There's a five-way tie for deaths, with 18 teams losing at least one player permanently. For serious injuries it's neck and neck (or gouged eye and broken ribs) between the Singed Poor Scoundrels and the SWL Pinch Hitters, although those goblins have got through their worst match with the Rationalists early on, and are promising to trounce any elf team they come up against in future weeks.

As ever, the single most dangerous thing on the field turns out to be loose shoelaces, with 8 players either dead or missing at least a game after tripping while trying to dodge. Always double knot those shoes, people.

With 4 dead and 9 injured, the Norse were leading the way for broken players, but 3 dead and 11 injured Dark Elfs (and one player resigning in disgust with a broken arm) means the pointy eared fellows are making a claim to (bruised) fame again. 7 elves of one description or another are dead, but so far the Wood Elfs are keeping safe this season.

Finally, 9 linemen are dead and 14 injured. That's enough for 3 7s teams to go to the field. Most of them have been pretty low value, after the 98 SPP death in the first week, we won't be seeing such glamour again for a while.

Death Watch will be slightly delayed next week while we travel to the Badlands to contest the Chaos Cup, but we'll be back with fresh deaths shortly!


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Sep 10, 2019 - 06:49 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL LXXVIII Death Watch Week Three

"Hey Bob, welcome back. You're limping a bit, aren't you?"
"That's right Jim. It's been a long night. Everyone was disco dancing."
"Everyone, Bob?"
"Everyone except for -"

Image Disco Englert, permanently lost his cool after a block by Windacool. Wood Elf Wardancer, 63 SPP.

Image Dan Marino Mk.II, forgot he wasn't in Miami, went surfing, won't be coming back. Khemri Thro-Ra, 0 SPP.
"And there I was thinking Marino was a delicate soft wool from the Deserted Isles."
"Nope, it's just a delicate soft bag of bones now."

Image Osmond Weakorc, blocked by sack me. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Sack me? I'd rather they sacked me, instead of having to write up the deaths of journeymen here and there."
"You sound angry, Bob."
"I'm mortified, Jim."
"Not as much as -"

Image Rattus Skywshus, not so hale and hearty after being skywshed by Mortify Hale. Skaven Lineman, 2 SPP.
"...Curse of the serious injury watch there, Bob, maybe?"
"Well, he broke some Wood Elf's jaw once, but that's a duty, that's not something you get cursed for, Jim!"

Image Rattus Sneekius II, not sneaky enough but now he's silent after a block from Stone Silence. Skaven Gutter Runner, 6 SPP.

Image Carne, just some foul meat after a boot from Gal. Vampire Thrall, 0 SPP.

Image Om, making relaxing Buddhist noises after a hit from Bri. Vampire Thrall, 0 SPP.

Image Xavier Truestone, fed the big burger by Kahinia. Wood Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Kahuna, Bob?"
"Kahuna, Kahinia, let's call the whole thing off..."

Image John Ashworth, worth nothing after a foul by Dr Grubfoot. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Grubfoot by name ... big foot by nature, eh Jim? ... Jim? Jim?!"

Image Zachary Hardwing, got a hard bit of Wonton Violence. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

"The little green fella with the takeaway Cathay food was having the game of his life, Jim. One kill and another serious injury. Those Nightcrawlers certainly knew what hit them."
"Exactly. And the Scoundrels held them to a close 5-0 defeat. Just what they had been hoping for, eh?"
"Anyway, just like that goblin is small and packed full of violence, this seems like a short Death Watch this week."
"That's right, Bob. With the Lab Rat Elysium somewhere on the road, promising to play their match tomorrow, there's still a few more deaths that might come in, but 10 isn't a big week."
"Still, it's not all bad. There were 34 serious injuries this week, including a few from the Death Watch, and I think we saw our first serious injury from a failed GFI in a while."
"That warms the cockles of my undead heart, Bob. I'm glad Kallabilli didn't pay attention when I told him to do his shoes up. And did you see the fair maiden of the Scoundrels, Irene Shandyhands, blow herself off the pitch?"
"Well, that's not the only -"
"No Bob! Don't say it! This is a family show!"



Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Sep 20, 2019 - 06:33 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL LXXVIII Death Watch Week Four

"It's interesting, Bob, that in Cathay, the word for 'four' also means death."
"It's a lot less interesting, Jim, when there are only four deaths this week."
"Indeed. A lot of cowards using apothecaries, I think."

Image Yengangarry, had a yen for some aargy-bargy from Aargol Bargol. Khemri Tomb Guardian, 55 SPP.

Image Brad, the Pyromancer, suffering a real strong burning sensation now he's been sent to hell by Bengt Blackrat. Norse Lineman, 10 SPP.

Image Shep, torn apart by the tearful by Eamonn Everweep Jr. Norse Ulfwerener, 0 SPP.

"Shep herded off the pitch. Norse all sheepish."

Image Blaggudet The Merciless, shown no mercy by Gharzth Bronzehelm. Chaos Pact Marauder, 0 SPP.

"Well Jim, that was frankly a waste of time coming into the studio today. Anything from the Injury Department?"
"Let's take a look..."

Most broken team of the League: a tie between the SWL Pinch Hitters and the Singed Poor Scoundrels. Pinch Hitters edge it with 2 deaths and 8 serious injuries to the Scoundrels 10 serious injuries, no deaths.
Most dangerous player: untied shoelaces, responsible for 1 death and 8 serious injuries so far.
Killiest player: the crowd (2 deaths from surfing)

Endangered species: Norse, with 20 injuries and 6 deaths. Khemri catching up with 5 deaths, impressive for teams that weren't doing well in the breathing department to begin with.

And of course, here's the beloved chart of injuries by position:
Image Image Image Image Image Image Image
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Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image
Big Guys
Image Image Image Image
Random Assaultment
Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image
Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image


Joined: Oct 12, 2013

Post   Posted: Sep 22, 2019 - 10:44
Reply with quote Back to top

Welcome back to the All Stars presentation for Season LXXVII of the Southern Wastes League, as we return to the prestigious setting of the VegeBlight Community Hall, and also thank our new sponsors for their delicious Beast Extract sandwich spread. As they like to say, "what do you give the man who has everything?" Some strong medicine, and if you don't have that, how about one of the glittering prizes for over-achieving on the field of battle?

This season's awards promise to be slightly different to last season, if only because we've successfully rid ourselves of the infestation of daemonic hellspawn who interfered with the Cabalvision stream during last season's awards.

It gives us great pleasure to announce those honoured for their efforts and performances during the SWL season. Starting with the toughest of the tough on the line of scrimmage, then the charging forwards, the thrower and on to the grace in the backs. Without further ado, we present the LXXVII All Stars:

ImageAll-Stars Season LXXVIIImage

Happy Dancer, such a joyful and enthusiastic creature. This gentle giant just loves Blood Bowl and was determined to spend every moment of his time in Prem lapping up the atmosphere. Sure he got in the way of a few opposition players, he even took a swipe at a few. However, he didn't hurt anything on his way to winning The Touchstone Heart with more turns on the pitch in Season 77 than any other player in the league.

A resounding shock for the fouling community as Arethusa's long reign of terror was brought to an end, not by the effervescent Growthspurt, scourge of the Regionals, but the unhealthily thin Munnion. "How can somebody that thin put any weight behind his boot?" was the overpowering cry from the cheap seats. Initial shock from the Fouling Appreciation Society evaporated when everyone realised the bony guy took the record for the most fouls this season, against impressive competition. Despite the volume, Munnion failed to kill anyone last season, so if he's expecting to repeat he should know the fans always want more blood.

Block, Tackle, Mighty Blow, Guard, high armour. What more do you need in a player doing the grunt work on the line of scrimmage? How about strength and diving tackle? Khorharr Ironhand did even more, taking the leading cas count for the season and snaring the silver knuckles in the process. Claw might be a nice addition to the skill set, but Khorharr doesn't need it, killing the over armoured chaos warrior Unlce Mao in round seven.

Sharing the Duke Snakefield Medallion, Impak was a shoo-in for an amazing 5th All-star appearance. The big blitzer not only scored points and smashed heads, he also showed off some passing talents with two completions. Leading from the front as always Impak took the Redskins to runner-up in Prem. Will anything ever slow down this incredible orc?

Salamoneus, what can be said? The now 5 time decorated all star rocketed up to the Premier with his team, and although this rascally rodent couldn't prevent them ricocheting back to the Conferences at the end of SWL LXXVII, he remained the one-rat slaughter machine he's been in the past, once again clocking up more than one casualty per game. He also attained Legendhood this season, only the second player to achieve this feat in the new era. Criticised for having a name that reminds people of fish, accused of being two-faced, Salamoneus has taken these insults in his stride. Could next season be the start of this four-horned rat's ascent back to the Premiership?

Dan Dan started the season with an extra 60k in his pocket, and set out to prove he was worth his extortionate salary. In the first four games he netted 6 casualites and 2 touchdowns. Then he got tired, kept up the work rate with the most punches in the whole league, but the punches lacked power and no more cas went his way. However, his skill at getting into the cage was priceless, earning his team a Silver Trophy and promotion to the big time. Is he worth the 80k bonus he now commands?

Following the glory of SWL LXXVI, everyone was expecting a certain orc blitzer from the Waaaaghton Redskins to be heading up the All Star team. But rather than the fearsome Impak (hobbled by a smashed knee halfway through the season), Vance Maximus, Renegade Starsoldier, joint holder of the Gold Star and the only person with his hand on the Golden Ball takes the honours of the All-Star captaincy. To add insult to Impak's wounded pride, the [adult swim] declared they're leaving the Wastes as there's nothing left to conquer, denying the wobbly-legged Impak the chance to fight his successor in the next season.

The Blackwater Cockfighters had a horror season 76, and rookie Stuart, the End Level Guy spent their convalescence in s77 reggies absolutely smashing it. A late recruit, he led the league with a massive 13 touchdowns in only 4 games. Attributes such as agility and speed are shining through so early in this young man's career. It would surprise nobody if the talents of Stuart were to slingshot the resurgent Cockfighters straight into Prem for s79.

Some people criticise Blood Bowl for being a violent game where players take joy in hurting one another. Longbough puts the lie to that with another delightful demonstration of the graceful game, a style adored by orc and undead monstrosity alike despite the racially tinged name "elf all". Longbough's aerial ball control was second to none this season, outpassing and outplaying everyone around him. Let's hope he's not fouled into oblivion by a jealous rival next season.


The last time Artoria Donatiana got the nod for the All Stars, the ghoul took it for helping keep the Immortalis Inquietus in Prem. This time with freakish speed and agility, Artoria takes the team back to the top tier. Nobody in the league ran as far with the ball, and only one other scored more touchdowns. Maybe next season there'll be a Premiership ring to go with the All Star scroll.

You wait for season after season for a ghoul to make it to the All Stars, then two come along at once. Freezie Pop has had the time of his/her life/twilight moment of gloom between existence and the grave, and it just keeps getting sweeter and sweeter. With 123 yards of rushing this season, it won't be long before Freezie Pop breaks the magic 1,000 yard mark, will it?

LXXVII All-Stars
Happy Dancer, Waaaaghton Redskins
Munnion, Didgeridead
Khorharr Ironhand, Bronzed Raiders
Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins
Salamoneus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Dan Dan, Bravado
Vance Maximus, Renegade Starsoldier, [adult swim]
Stuart, the End Level Guy, Blackwater Cockfighters
Longbough, Wildwood Windlords
Artoria Donatiana, Immortalis Inquietus
Freezie Pop, Unicorn Gunfight

LXXVII Prem Stars
Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins
Vance Maximus, Renegade Starsoldier, [adult swim]
Strawberry, Pugs Not Drugs
Freezie Pop, Unicorn Gunfight
Longbough, Wildwood Windlords
Salamoneus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Greenbranch Sister-Stem, Loec's Loggers
The Ur-Nugget, Unicorn Gunfight
Arethusa, Styx αnd Warpstones
Happy Dancer, Waaaaghton Redskins
Flint Warmantle, Blue Mountain Giants

LXXVII Conference Reps
Artoria Donatiana, Immortalis Inquietus
Jade, Morning Breakfast Cereal
Khorharr Ironhand, Bronzed Raiders
Fingaeron, Phoenix Academy Sharp Shooters
Dan Dan, Bravado
Munnion, Didgeridead
Gráinne Ní Mháille, Port Royal Poachers
Deuced Darbey, Lab Rat Elysium
Valen Varicella, Chrimean Chimera
Port, Morning Breakfast Cereal
Socrates, Redgum's Rationalists

LXXVII Rising Stars
Stuart, the End Level Guy, Blackwater Cockfighters
Ykxuszhib The Wretched, Malice Renegades!
Sable Kane, Darkmore
Scotty, the Minstrel, Blackwater Cockfighters
Kepra II, Southern Horrortahs
Manshape Gutwart, Singed Poor Scoundrels
Pinkeye Growthspurt, Singed Poor Scoundrels
Taoldech Burningflaw, Malice Renegades!
Sceledrus Black, Darkmore
Bronkoyle, Cystem Of Nurgle
Bill, Trondheim Hammers

Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Sep 24, 2019 - 02:53 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL LXXVIII Death Watch Week Five

The Death Watch Studio is quiet and dark.

"Bob? Bob?! BOB?!!"
"What is it, Jim?"
"Why are you fiddling with the Cabalvision device, Bob?"
"There's something wrong, Jim. It keeps saying there were more deaths this week than last week, but they were all dead before that."
"Trust in Nuffle, Bob, and all will be revealed."
"OK, off we go then..."

Image Herius Sornatius Clodianus, blocked by Windacool. Undead Zombie, 0 SPP.

"Bob! Bob! You had the perfect opportunity there to say 'Clodianus, Clobbered-Anus more like' and you passed it up!"
"There's no time for childish humour here, Jim. Just another dead zombie. I mean, how does that change anything?"
"Cheer up Bob, I'm sure the next one is going to be better!"

Image spare parts*, reduced to spare parts by Cyber Doom. Undead Zombie, 0 SPP.

"See what I mean, Jim?"
"Bob, I don't know what to say. Let's see if the next one cheers you up:"

Image The foghorn*, silenced by Wang x Yangming. Norse Ulfwerener, 23 SPP.

"Bob! It's a frenzied Norseman wearing only underpants and the skimpiest of breastplates, and he's been splattered on the pitch! Surely that raises a bit of a grin."
"Nope. Look at the asterisk next to his name, Jim. Marked by the Curse of the Death Watch, that one. He was already dead before he started the game."
"Oh come on, Bob. Look, let's get you something more cheerful. The fourth death of this round is..."

Image Monty, given the full monty by Kharghaz Bronzebeard. Human Lineman, 0 SPP.

"Jim, are you trying to make me smile with more references to naked humans from the far north?"
"Well, that's a bit of a grin I can see, isn't it?"

Image Bygtrab Amberfang, not ever going back to the dentist after a block by Beck. Chaos Pact Marauder, 0 SPP.

Image Sisyphus, blocked into eternity by Socrates. 0 SPP.

"We must imagine Sisyphus to be happy."
"We - what? Bob, why are you wearing a black coat and smoking a cigar?"
"I've been reading this book by the Bretonnian Minotaur, Camoo. Gave me a lot of perspective."
"It's far too early in the day for us to be making jokes about existentialism, Bob."
"It's never too early to - oh, hang on:"

Image JJ Rousseau, fouled by George the grumpy. 19 SPP.

"It was much too early to be making jokes about the Bretonnian Enlightenment. Clearly George the grumpy got out of bed on the wrong side this morning, but put the right boots on."

Image Dudral Teeth Strangler, hit by the Ball & Chain of Bouncy Bouncy Slim Hammerhands Junior. 8 SPP.

"And that's a second tooth-themed player who's only ever biting the dust from now on, and a great way to go out tonight."
"I'm glad you recovered your spirits, Bob."
"There's nothing like seeing a goblin with balls who knows how to use them, and Slim Hammerhands Junior had the time of his life last night."
"...The Scoundrels played three nights ago, Bob."
"I wasn't talking about the game, Jim."


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