Joined: Aug 10, 2018
Oct 08, 2019 - 07:31
Death Watch Week Six
Lornor (c), less than effervescent after a block by Sure-Fire Fizzing. Elf Blitzer, 64 SPP.
Fonor, also not effervescent after a block by Rodenticide Fizzing. Elf Lineman, 9 SPP.
"Don't fonor write him. He won't reply either way."
Billy Strongfist, fisted by Zucker Fats Leptin. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
Nar Toe Spear, blocked by Gonzalez Webbed Feet. Black Orc Blocker, 6 SPP.
"Feet beat toes, right?"
Brar Storm Killer, sent to a circle of hell by Anton Baron Dante. Black Orc Blocker, 0 SPP.
No True Scotsman, no living player either, after getting whacked by Skoararrirr The Bloody. Chaos Pact Marauder, 0 SPP.
Mary Farley, blocked by Gyaos. Dark Elf Blitzer, 36 SPP.
"Mary's not so scary."
"Well, Bob, that was a quiet week."
"Certainly was, Jim. Just seven deaths."
"Any serious injuries?"
"The usual. At least we had Godzilla, cursed by the Death Watch and falling over trying to run so fast."
"That's not the Curse, Bob. That's just the Orcidas salesman up to his tricks again."
"You expect me to believe that, Jim?"
Injuries and deaths to date:
189 blocks, 17 fouls, 12 failed dodges, 4 crowdsurfs, 2 hits from balls and chains, 2 thrown rocks, 2 thrown rocks, 2 chainsaws, 1 fumbled bomb, 1 failed landing, a concession and an auto-chainsaw incident.
While we prepare for the end of season finale, here's all the serious injured and dead players from the first six weeks:
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
Oct 10, 2019 - 02:33
Late Breaking News
Bob and Jim have to shamefacedly admit they missed one of the biggest games of week 6 - two lizards and a star player bit the dust:
Shimmer Hike, taking a hike to the afterlife after failing a dodge. Lizardman Skink, 6 SPP.
Stone Silence, certainly not making any more noise after a rock from the crowd. Lizardman Saurus, 41 SPP.
Karla von Kill, von Killed by Savage Truth. 0 SPP.
Joined: Oct 12, 2013
The SWL LXXVIII Team Achievements
Turns (1186): Kraka Drak Kneecappers
Completions (20): Amateur Professionals
TDs (21): Port Royal Poachers
Cas (28): Redgum's Rationalists
SPP (141): Redgum's Rationalists
Passing yards (119): Amateur Professionals
Rushing yards (315): Port Royal Poachers
Blocks (397): Gongoth Gargantuans Return
Fouls (45): Singed Poor Scoundrels
Blocks/Cas (11.2): Redgum's Rationalists
Pass/Cp (5.95): Amateur Professionals
Kills (6): Blood Crag Stripes
Turns (1095): Malice Renegades!
Completions (8): Redgum's Rodents
TDs (11): Secret Wasteland Love & Bronzed Raiders
Cas (25): Blue Mountain Giants
SPP (106): Blue Mountain Giants
Passing yards (31): Darkmore
Rushing yards (225): Secret Wasteland Love
Blocks (351): Blue Mountain Giants
Fouls (21): In De Nile
Blocks/Cas (11.4): In De Nile
Pass/Cp (5.2): Darkmore
Kills (4): Secret Wasteland Love
Turns (1153): Immortalis Inquietus
Completions (25): Yeast Lords
TDs (14): Lab Rat Elysium
Cas (30): Immortalis Inquietus
SPP (120): Immortalis Inquietus
Passing yards (34): Phoenix Academy Sharp Shooters
Rushing yards (248): Lab Rat Elysium
Blocks (316): Waaaaghton Redskins
Fouls (22): Waaaaghton Redskins
Blocks/Cas (10.8): Immortalis Inquietus
Pass/Cp (2.8): Lab Rat Elysium
Kills (5): Didgeridead
The Unofficial Maester Whippy Dean Douglas Sundae
Socrates (Redgum's Rationalists) 20 spp
The SWL Season LXXVIII Awards
Stu Wilson (Amateur Professionals) 9 TDs
Socrates (Redgum's Rationalists) & Stone Silence (Blood Crag Stripes) 10 cas
Blood Carnage (Blood Crag Stripes) & Savage Truth (c) (Blood Crag Stripes) & Charlotte Badger (Port Royal Poachers)114 turns
Baptiste Bonvillain (Déjà Voodoo) 172 rushing yards
Doug Bruce (Amateur Professionals) 95 pass yards
Pinkeye Growthspurt (Singed Poor Scoundrels) 28 fouls
Gráinne Ní Mháille (Port Royal Poachers) 72 blocks
Doug Bruce (Amateur Professionals) 13 cps
Vin The Butcher (Ekrund Warriors) 5.17 block/cas
Doug Bruce (Amateur Professionals) 7.31 pass/cp
Stu Wilson (Amateur Professionals) 29 SPP
Torgan Silvermead (Blue Mountain Giants) 7 TDs
Wang x Yangming (TingBuDong) 12 cas
Neokia Greathoof (Malice Renegades!) & Ykxuszhib The Wretched (Malice Renegades!) 111 turns
Erinyes (Styx αnd Warpstones) 160 rushing yards
Sable Kane (Darkmore) 29 pass yards
Trey Weakbrook (In De Nile) 8 fouls
Salamoneus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 85 blocks
Bob Lobber (Redgum's Rodents) 6 cps
Wang x Yangming (TingBuDong) 4.84 block/cas
Sable Kane (Darkmore) 7.25 pass/cp
Torgan Silvermead (Blue Mountain Giants) 25 SPP
Strawberry (Pugs Not Drugs) 8 TDs
Windacool (Didgeridead) 9 cas
Tertius Salonius Tremorinus (Immortalis Inquietus) 114 turns
Niabatteroo (Didgeridead) 187 rushing yards
Bronco III (Yeast Lords) 18 pass yards
Osmond Bluerock (Immortalis Inquietus) 14 fouls
Dan Dan (Bravado) 76 blocks
Bronco III (Yeast Lords) 11 cps
Windacool (Didgeridead) 5.23 block/cas
Caraphinnor (Phoenix Academy Sharp Shooters) 3.5 pass/cp
Strawberry (Pugs Not Drugs) 25 SPP
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
Oct 15, 2019 - 06:25
Death Watch SWL LXXVIII End Of Season Gala Special
"Bob, what's all this bunting? And tinsel, and tiny little flags everywhere in the studio?"
"Huh? Jim, don't you remember, it's the End Of Season Curse Of The Death Watch Celebration!"
"Don't you mean the End of Season Death Watch Celebration?"
"No, check this out, my vampiric chum..."
Fingaeron, fingaered by Windacool. *Elf Catcher, 23 SPP.
"That's not how you spell 'fingered', Bob, and that also doesn't mean what you think it does."
"Doesn't matter, Jim. Fingaeron smashed the hand of War-Failing Fizzing last week, and that gets him prone to the Curse."
"The Curse of what? The Mildly Serious Injury?"
"The Hexcell formulas don't lie, Jim..."
Cassandra, put in a box by Kubler. Amazon Blitzer, 31 SPP.
"Now I appreciate what you're trying to do there, Bob, with your classical references, but Cassandra wasn't the one with the box, was she? That was Pandora?"
"No, Pandora is that music screaming service you subscribe to."
"The one with unlimited deathly yells for the low low price of 100 gold crowns per month?"
"That's the one, Jim."
"Then who's Cassandra?"
"Wasn't she that one who took her shirt off and got tied to a chair?"
"That's Cassiopeia, Bob."
"Never mind... Anyway, she didn't kill anyone either, so where's your Curse now?"
"... she broke some hearts, Jim."[/i}
Aaron Clearlightning, blocked by Mortify Hale. Human Lineman, 0 SPP.
[i]"Clearlightning doesn't strike twice."
"No, but here's the match of the week - four fatalities!"
Oblivion Bite, had his Johnson cut off by Rory Johnson. Lizardman Saurus, 0 SPP.
"A big Lebowski reference, Bob?"
"Just let me enjoy drinking this White Kislevite in peace..."
*** REVENGE HIT OF THE WEEK ***
Rory Johnson, had his Johnson cut off by Desire Spurn. Human Blitzer, 2 SPP.
"Can we stop with all this Johnson-based tomfoolery now, Bob?"
"Thank you Bob."
"No. We David May."
Hard Martyr, not ever going to be hard again after a foul from David May. Lizardman Skink, 0 SPP.
"Didn't he play banjo for Queen?"
Christina Anna Skytte, blocked by Manshape Gutwart. Dark Elf Lineman, 18 SPP.
"Ah, the big fella's back again. It warms the cockles of my heart to see Manshape knocking people out of shape."
"Really Bob? I thought you'd say something about Skytte, more like shi -"
"Family show, Jim! Family show!"
"And now for the acid trip..."
(), blocked by Uncle Acid. Norse Lineman, 0 SPP.
"I'll miss Anonymous Mercenary Lineman, Jim."
Scott, the Cook, had his goose cooked by Uncle Acid. Norse Lineman, 8 SPP.
"And that's one more Curse of the Death Watch for you, Jim."
"Again, Scott did nothing to anyone."
"Well, he smashed Muirderslot's hand last week."
"Stop trying to make the Curse Of The Short Term Disability a thing, Bob!"
Joffrey, won't be in any reruns on the HBO network after Lach Legionellosis III got to him. Human Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Yes, the Human Black Orc cabalvision network, Bob. Yours for the low low price of only ten gold crowns per month."
"Didn't we already do that joke about blatant sponsorship this week?"
"I don't know, Jim. For the low low price of one gold crown a month, I'll tell you."
"Oh, stop pushing your laboured joke up the hill, Bob. It's time for the Grand Season Prizes!"
"Yep, these are the ones everyone wants. Forget about the Golden Bootscraper and the Brown Ball, it's the Death Watch prizes everyone's looking for!"[i]
End Of Season Prizegiving
As is traditional (since last season) Irene Shandyhands puts on her best frock and gives out special prizes for exceptional performance. And when she's done with that, she leaves the gentleorc's club and comes to the Death Watch End Of Season Gala:
The Gently Does It My Dear Darling Award will not be presented this season, because a shameful ten different teams failed to get a single kill between them. Tingbudong, the Waaaghton Redskins, Pugs Not Drugs, Bravado, Phoenix Academy Sharp Shooters, Darkmore, Kraka Drak Kneecappers, Deja Voodoo, the Oakland Ratters and the Delmar Night Crawlers will all need to report outside to be pelted with fish after the ceremony. Deepest opprobrium for the Redskins and Kneecappers, who didn't get a single death for or against this season. Booooooo.
However, the Sharp Shooters are exonerated with this season's You Can Take It But You Can't Dish It Out Dish after sustaining 6 serious injuries and 4 deaths without killing a single opponent. Meanwhile the You Can Dish It Out But Can You Take It Butter Dish goes to
The It Took You A While But Thanks Anyway Limited Edition Soup Tureen was a tie between Pugs Not Drugs, the Scoundrels and the Stripes, all three taking six weeks to lose a player to death.
Bravado lose the beloved Glass Cannon Wedgewood Crystal Glass Cannon this season to the Dead Coast Decimators, who killed more players than any other team while still permanently losing two Amazons. Here's hoping for a more fragile glass cannon next season.
This season's Over Protective Unopened Roll Of Bandages deservedly goes to Lab Rat Elysium who killed 4 opponents without taking a single death in return. Well done, my whiskery beauties!
Finally, the Killiest Killer of All Killers was a tie between Windacool and the crowd. So we'll give it to Windacool this time. Well done, sir, well done. (Better get out quick, the crowd are looking angry...)
The most popular injury this season was a Serious Concussion, far more traumatic than last season's Smashed Hand. The Goblin Destruction Index was taken by the sole participant, the Scoundrels, with a very weak 8 kills and injuries vs 12 sustained. Better luck next year, lads.
Most destruction: Phoenix Academy Sharp Shooters pip Refreshingly Dead by just one point, losing 99 SPP this season to deaths.
And with this chart of all the deaths and injuries, it's a wrap for SWL LXXVIII!
Joined: May 29, 2011
Oct 23, 2019 - 04:55
The T&P show. Not Toilet Paper.
P: Clocking over another season of the SWL, we've just kicked off the 79th and games are already in the bag. Push out the previews, Terence!
T: Indeed Phillip, if you'd do a bit more around here they'd already be out.
Southern Wastes League: Season LXXIX
T: What a premier division. What great records these teams have. Can the Pugs carry on their lucky streak? What's left of the Lab Rats for another shot? Immortalis still living. or not, in the top division. And their challengers! Three way tiebreaker, all on 4/2/1, who'd have thought it!
Secret Wasteland Love 1860! They snuck through a gigantic treasury via offshore accounts, carrying 13 players, including star carrier Rhythm of Devotion, and a weighty budget toward team training for these excellent young elves. 13/5/3 record, 5/1/1 in confs to make prem, no one looking to retire yet, could well be up here a while.
T: But no leap. Sad to see.
P: They'll do fine, surely, even three fresh rookies to take the line!
Immortalis Inquietus 1710. Superstar runner Artoria Donatiana returns once more to brave the big hits in premier. What did that cost the coach, and what do ghouls spend money on anyway? Long servers with daunting 32/11/12 record mostly spent at the pointy end, stars Tertius and Mannus will be looking to add to that in a positive way.
T: Only lost one last season, but it was the one that counted, they'll be aiming to kill both those wolves if they can.
P: So will everyone else, surely Terence?
Pugs Not Drugs 1690. They'll not find it easy, superstar speedsters Strawberry and Chocolate took the title last season with some excellent last gasp plays, dancing through troubles like the most agile legends of old. Still a young team around them after the horrors of S77, but they were just enough for the tiebreaker victory, and will be hard to top again. If nothing else, more room in the team budget for the lauded werewolves. Record of 26/15/11 for the twice champions.
Bronzed Raiders 1690. The old stack of Chaos Dwarfs lost one post-season, but Kharghaz, Khorharr, and Gharzth will lead a trim and highly skilled group into a fierce attack on the premier division. Their 18/10/14 record was a slow start, but last season's 6/1/0 shows their power has grown of late.
T: The rookie chorf may not be much use to them this season, shame about the retirement.
P: Rookie chorfs are horrid creatures, Terence, and you know it.
TingBuDong 1670. These old chaos struggled a little for a start, going 23/12/18 overall, but a solid 6/0/1 performance to make premier. Superstar Wang x Yangming wasn't messing about with 12 casualties for the season, he could easily match that in premier division, while star blocker Li xx Ping holds together the older core of this in-form squad. They have the tools, can they make it work against the best?
Blackwater Cockfighters 1610. Star carrier Stuart, the End Level Guy leads these disturbingly frenzied norsemen back into premier division. 32/10/21 record, but just 4/0/3 last season, a few team retirements, ringer squads excluded, and a tight tiebreaker let them up, they'll need a few things to go their way to get far here.
T: Last season's High Elves all over again.
P: Not enough leap?
T: Too many dice to roll to get anything done.
Malice Renegades 1600. This very young pact squad has stormed the premier division out of a tight conferce filled with tied games. 3/2/2 last season for 2nd, 8/5/4 overall, it's good for a renegades team, but it's still a renegades team. Star runner Ykxuszhib the Wretched will carry their hopes along with the ball, but the young bigs will surely not be enough up here, unless they just forget to be stupid.
P: How can you forget to be stupid?
T: If you're stupid enough you can forget anything!
P: Didn't you forget these previews?
T: .... Look out for the rats, Phillip.
Lab Rat Elysium 1560. Half of them wanted to retire after being denied the title on tiebreakers, but with a big cost to the team budget, superstar Aargol Baargol will return with star gutters Dueced Darbey and Calf-Round Calicot, and a couple of hopeful younger players who will be hoping a bench turns up before their turn on the line. 27/17/11 record, will it hold up this season?
T: No it won't, they're gunna get smashed.
P: They always get smashed, still all but won it last time.
T: True enough. That's us, your premier division, from big Dark Elves to little Skavens. Already under way, catch the replays at your leasure.