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Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Feb 19, 2020 - 07:58 Reply with quote Back to top

Death Watch SWL LXXX Week Four

Welcome back to another glorious week in the Southern Wastes, with the highest death rate this season, a whopping fifteen players whose coaches won't be worrying about Want To Retire rolls! We've got an action-packed update, with Milk Money's first real honest-to-Nuffle death, but first...

Image Vovrok Voidreaver, Surfed into the crowd. Dark Elf Assassin, 0 SPP.

"Druchii Dynasty? Die nasty more like, Jim!"
"Now, Bob, I know you have an antipathy towards elves, but ..."
"I've never given them Tilean appetisers, that's a ridiculous slur, Jim!"
"... but can we pause to commemorate the first Assassin to die since records began?"
"When I stop laughing Jim!"

Image Devor Deadscar, beaten by the superior arguments of Strawman. Dark Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Nothing to say about that one, Bob?"
"Well, I like seeing elves die, Jim, I'll admit it. It's a real shame when they don't take any SPP with them."
"Well, then I may have a treat for you in a minute, Bob..."

Image Miss Meow, one cat that will never have to be rescued from a tree[man] after a block by Cunningmaple. Nurgle Rotter, 5 SPP.

Image Fifi Bobbit, chopped up by Mr Purrfect. *Halfling, 2 SPP.
"And is that an asterisk I see there, Jim?"
"Er, yes, it is. What does that mean, Bob?"
"It's the Gold Star Award for the Curse of the Death Watch, Jim!"
"Oh, not again..."
"Yep, that's right. Bobbit chopped the end off some poor Skaven lineman three weeks ago, and now gets to learn about the savage rage of the Curse!"
"Or she was a Halfling. You can't argue with statistics, Bob."
"I can, and I often do. It's not like they can hit back."

Image Lilac, turned gray by Slartibartfast The Architect. Elf Catcher, 68 SPP.
"Now this is one everyone should watch the replay for, Jim. Blood Bowl at its best. Lilac double skulled a block, fell down, died. Apo gave him a choice of a smashed collarbone or dead. He chose DEAD, not like some of the cowards out there."
"Er, Bob, you know 'doing it right' means scoring more touchdowns than the opposition, right?"
"What game do you play, Jim?"

Image Jade, a nasty shade of green from a foul by Old Thrashbarg the Lamuellan. Elf Thrower, 87 SPP.
"What's the difference between pink and purple, Jim?"
"I'm going to regret asking this, aren't I?"
"Go on..."
"I don't know Bob, what's the difference between pink and purple?"
The grip!"

Image Hypnos, put in a permanent trance by Faustus Gratidius Mordanticus. Underworld Lineman, 16 SPP.
"You could say he needs hypnos-therapy, hurr hurr."
"I do too after typing out those incredibly long player names."
"You think that's bad? You'll be hopping mad when you see what happened to the frogs!"

Image Cory Whiteorc, blocked by Cherta the Hardy II. Chaos Beastman, 0 SPP.
"Well, not much to say about that veteran's career, is there, Jim?"

Image Slice, diced by Laila Lily. *Necromantic Wight, 42 SPP.
"And look Jim, another asterisk!"
"Come on Bob, take your meds..."
"No! Look! Slice killed Blygneggaytch Bloodforge at the season closer last time around, and after making us type that ridiculous name out, the Curse had him marked."
"This is ridiculous, Bob. If the Curse hates us having to write incredibly long names every week, how come Faustus Gratidius Mordanticus or Bouncy Bouncy Slim Hammerhands Jr haven't died?"
"Haven't died yet, Jim... although come to think of it, Faustus died a long time ago. The first time, that is..."

Image Bathilda Begonia, over sweetened by Chocolate. Amazon Blitzer, 12 SPP.
"I just don't understand how a perfectly well-armoured Amazon like Bathilda could possibly end up dying on the pitch."
"It's a total mystery, Bob. Although to be fair, the claws on that wolf will go through even the strongest Amazon armour like it was just AV7"

Image Dolloper, dolloped by Lithobates Catesbeianus II. Khemri Skeleton, 0 SPP.
"You look really sad, Jim. It's only a rookie skeleton..."
"The real tragedy here, Bob, is having to write out that incredibly long name."
"Well in return..."

Image Paedophryne Amauensis II, niabattered by Niabatteroo. Slann Catcher, 66 SPP.
"One more frog with a very long name we don't need to mention again. Well, until Paedophryne Amauensis II gets hired..."

Image Herbad Bik, blocked by Impak. Lizardman Skink, 9 SPP.
"A big whack from Impak for the little Bik who wasn't quick."
"I didn't know you had poetic aspirations, Bob."
"It's the Bloodweiser talking, Jim."

Image Amber, preserved forever by Brad. Khemri Skeleton, 2 SPP.
"Skeletons being killed by Haunted All-Sorts? It's just very confusing, Jim!"

Image Corpse Buffer, disconnected from the sound system of life by Mike. Goblin , 0 SPP.
"Buffer? Isn't that Bretonnian for some snacks?"
"Buffet, Bob."
"Don't mind if I do!"

Tune in next week to see how our predictions are fairing - three weeks to go and everything to play for!


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Feb 27, 2020 - 08:25 Reply with quote Back to top

Death Watch SWL LXXX Week Five

After last week's tremendous feast, we're in a fatality famine with only seven deaths across the divisions. It's not always the quantity, sometimes the quality is special too. But rest assured, it looks like normal service will be resumed in Week Six:

Image Panda Express, had its final takeaway after a foul by Little Miss Legneck-Won't-Stop-Bouncing. Elf Thrower, 10 SPP.

And that's the first kill for the Scoundrels this season - Mrs Legneck-Won't-Stop-Bouncing would be very proud of her daughter. Except she got killed by some Rationalists last season, so there's that.

Image Cherta The Hardy II, blocked by Dan Dan. Wood Elf Lineman, 8 SPP. Hardy? Hardly.

"First death from the Curse Of The Death Watch this week, Jim. That's what happens when you murder a journeybeastman. Cherta had a target on his back, and some broken ribs too..."

A proper self-inflicted injury
Image Helmut Wulf, Kickback! by Helmut Wulf. Helmut Wulf, 0 SPP.
"So does that count as the Curse of the Death Watch, Bob?"
"Funny you should ask, Jim, but no. Helmut has never killed anyone since the Curse started keeping records, although he also smashed his own collarbone two seasons ago, so -"
"I don't believe in the Curse, Bob! I was just teasing you! Ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ha!"

Image Mike the benefits cheat III, had his claim denied by Bombina Orientalis II. Norse Lineman, 5 SPP.
"Another big hit from the frog with the small name!"
"A small name?"
"You should see the other guys, Jim..."

Image Jammer Stickymitts, had his hands well and truly cleaned by Rumblelow Sheepskin. Skaven Thrower, 0 SPP.
"Those star players, Jim, are a menace. If they're not killing themselves with chainsaws, they're killing seasoned players like Stickymitts who have a right to be in the league."
"Seasoned, you say?"
"Well, they say rats are delicious with a bit of salt and pepper..."

Image Karla von Kill, splattered by Rogski Splatterhand. Karla von Kill, 0 SPP.
"What were you saying about star players, Bob?"

Image Ciara, sent back to the afterlife again by Mike. Khemri Blitz-Ra, 15 SPP.
"You say Ciara, I say tiara, let's call the whole thing - "
"Dead dead DEAD"

With that short medley of calamity, that's all the deaths from this week. Let's pause here and give credit to the lucky 13 players who've battled on despite receiving two serious injuries each this week:
ImageMiss Meow (RIP after her third injury)
ImageStaraya Dereva
ImageRod Smallbones
ImageDong Li Jun
ImageMae Magnolia
ImageDouble D's
ImageGastrotheca Riobambae III
ImageShuzigash III, the Babylonian
Image"Burning Sensation" Grogg

"Wow, Jim. You can even click on each player's picture and get taken to their profile. It's almost as if there's some insane obsessive putting far too much detail into this just for the schadenfreude of seeing players get hurt!"
"... that's a long word for you, Bob?"
"What, schadenfreude?"
"I was thinking anything with more than one syllable..."

How are the Death Watch Predictions?
The Trondheim Hammers, despite tying for most injuries inflicted with the Bronzed Raiders, have not been supplying enough meat to the mortuary. Looks like they won't retain the Glass Hammer Glass Hammer this time around.

It's seven to seven between the Orcidas salesman's dreadful shoelaces, and the vile depredations of the crowd. Who's going to damage the most people in the final two weeks?

Broken jaws have overhauled smashed knees again. Looks like the lowly niggle might miss it's own next game vs all those safe MNGs.

With two deaths and four serious injuries sustained, and not so much as a missed next game inflicted on the opposition, the Delmar Night Crawlers are looking like they'll have the You Can Take It But You Can't Dish It Out Dish, after that hypocritical Scoundrels coach used an apo to save a dead goblin at the end of their match.

Finally, Pinkeye seems to have been concentrating more on writing letters demanding to be reinstated as an All Star, and less on putting the boot in. A disappointing season for the one time boy wonder. Will he manage 32 fouls in his last two games? Probably not.


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Mar 03, 2020 - 05:11 Reply with quote Back to top

Death Watch SWL LXXX Week Six

Audience Participation Round
Image No Port in a storm, surfed into the crowd. Elf Catcher, 80 SPP.

Image Stu Wilson, hit by a rock. Elf Catcher, 108 SPP.
"Now this was the biggest death of the week, Bob. Got anything pithy to say about that to mark the occasion?"
"Well, quite apart from the fact that it's in his job description to catch things that are thrown at him, not die from them, what kind of ridiculous name is 'Wilson' anyway, Jim? Totally inappropriate in a serious league like this. Deserved that rock more than any player in recent memory, if you ask me. Game falling into disrepute, ..."

Image Babyshape Hugeface, fouled by Das Boot. Goblin Troll, 27 SPP.
"That's more like it. A sensible player like Babyshape."
"Not that sensible - she forgot to regenerate!"
"I hear she was looking for a relaxing retirement to the SSL after this season..."
"She's retired, one way or another."
"Speaking of retirements..."

Orcidas Salesman Farewell Tour
Image Cordia Hilaria, failed dodge. Undead Ghoul, 0 SPP.
"Cutting the cord on that one."
"Never mind cords, how about doing their shoes up?"

Image Leimonides, looking like a bit of a lemon with a failed GFI. Underworld Goblin, 0 SPP.

"I hear the salesman will be back next week for one last set of unreliable shoelaces. Next season the SWL is getting big money from Reebork to endorse the new Crump shoe."

Pick On Somebody Your Own Size! Stunty Edition (descending order of size)
Image Sawdust Enigma, given an education by Reveka, Wizard Savant. Goblin , 0 SPP.
"Like they say about the Border Princes, it's like a conundrum wrapped in an enigma..."
"Buried in a cheap wooden box."

Image Ordo Bitterstout, sweetened up by Big T. Halfling, 4 SPP.

Image Mo, not around for a minute mo', blocked by Fidel. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.
"Hey! Hey! You could say he castroated him!"

Wilfully Ironic Name Department

Image Redstreak, mushed into a red streak by Rum & Raisin. Elf Blitzer, 26 SPP.
"Kind of asking for that, wasn't he?"

Curse Of The Death Watch Double Dose!
Image Mike, check one-two'ed by Deeproot Strongbranch. Chaos Warrior, 20 SPP.
When the Curse comes, you can't stop it. Mike had three kills this season."
"I guess you could make that four!

Image Erebus, looking grim after a hit by Grimspine II. Underworld Blitzer, 90 SPP.
"As any reader of the Blerk Library will know, Erebus has had it coming for years, the no-good, bald, polluter-of-the-imperial-truth nutcase and general -"
"Bob, are you ok?"
"Why, Jim?"
"You haven't been
reading, have you?"
"Only the annals of the Curse Of The Death Watch, Jim! And all this rat could bring to the table was one dead rotter!"
"Bob, I think it's
cats that bring dead things to the table..."

You're going out dressed like that AV7 edition
Image The Lt Colonel, demoted by Rillithel The Reaper. Norse Ulfwerener, 7 SPP.

Image Remy Price, forced to pay the ultimate price by Cornel Constantin. Wood Elf Catcher, 1 SPP.
"Classic hit there in the first turn of the game. Bravado keep forgetting they're only meant to have the one wardancer..."

We'll be coming back for a look at all our predictions at the end of next week (it looks like the crowd is getting ahead of shoelaces this season) but in the meantime, here's a parade of all the broken players from the season. Enjoy!
Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image

Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image

Image Image Image Image Image Image

Image Image Image

Image Image

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Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Mar 12, 2020 - 07:22 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL LXXX Death Watch Week Seven

And now we come into the closing stages of the eightieth season of the Southern Wastes League, let's see how the deaths turned out:

Image It turns out when life gives you Leimonides, Priygat The Magnificent makes lemons out of them. Underworld Goblin , 0 SPP.

Image Rakarth Ragefist, fisted by Albert. Dark Elf Blitzer, 58 SPP.
Now this was a black orc masquerading as an elf if ever I've seen one. Caught out by the Curse Of The Serious Injury, he never should have smashed the ankle of a zombie earlier in the season. They need their mobility Or the collarbone of a amazon later on. They need their, er, collarbones?

Image Chase, caught a finger in the chainsaw of First and Last, and pretty much everything else followed. Human Blitzer, 14 SPP.

Image Targ Bronzehammer, hammered by Chris Jubba. Chaos Dwarf Blocker, 56 SPP.
"The Curse of the Death Watch and the Curse of the Serious Injury Watch combined here - Targ did all his good work last season, so he probably deserved to depart this league in style."
"And what style was that, Bob?"
"A pine box. It's the latest fashion, Jim. All the cool chorfs are wearing it."

Image Randall Dreggut, fouled by Claracon. Wood Elf Lineman, 12 SPP.
"Randall Dreggut? Drained out regret more like."
"I expect Claracon will be getting the golden boot again this season."
"Funny you should say that, Jim. I got a letter (written in 'official' crayon, no less) pre-announcing that all eleven All-Star scrolls for this season are being awarded to the plucky Scoundrel, Pinkeye Growthspurt."
"Sounds legit, Bob."

Image Ian Hoteagle, had his goose cooked by Igrun Blackbbeard. Wood Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Hot Dog Hal, served up in several small pieces by the chainsaw of Nobbla Blackwart. Necromantic Flesh Golem, 13 SPP.

Image Sapasui Simon, Failed dodge. Necromantic Ghoul, 32 SPP.
"Wheeee! That Orcidas salesman needs to get his skates on before all the angry coaches cut him off at the knees..."

Image Korma Keith, reheated and spat out by John Goodman. Necromantic Zombie, 0 SPP.
"As everyone was asking, would Goodman man up? Turns out that man Goodman could!"

Image Das Boot, sent to the bottom of the ocean by Jerome Baker. Chaos Dwarf Hobgoblin , 6 SPP.
"And it looks like the beloved maiden of the League, Girlshape, got her revenge from beyond the grave after last week. It's not like Hobgoblins ever regen, is it?"
"To be fair, Bob, neither do trolls or flesh golems, based on the last couple of weeks..."

Image Cait Clover, put out to clover by a foul from everyone's favourite machine tool enthusiast, Helmut Wulf. Amazon Linewoman, 18 SPP.
"And if you didn't believe it before, there we are, the curse of the Death Watch strikes again. Clover killed a skink last season, and now she got to find out what AV7 feels like."
"Er, Bob, if you need occult explanations for why skimpily clad women don't live long in a Blood Bowl tournament, then I think you're making life too hard for yourself..."

Image Xenopus Laevis IIIII, defrogged by Bathilda Begonia. Slann Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Honestly, with this being the third time Xenopus Laevis has died, we're now hoping the rest of his spawning give up on the whole idea of Blood Bowl entirely."

Image Cookie, crumbled after a block by Moolyarl. Necromantic Wight, 2 SPP.

Image Brad Johnstone, blocked by Mobad Kulmokr. Elf Lineman, 16 SPP.
"Now last week we had to complain about these made-up names that coaches keep entering into the team records. It's like they're not taking things seriously, is it Bob?"
"Exactly - although:"

Image Hasen Zip-zap, zapped while going surfing. Skaven Gutter Runner, 11 SPP.

"... at least some players have proper names. It fair restores my hope in humanity."
"Well, that was a large rat, but I take your point, Bob."

Farewell To The Lavabulls Award
Image Nicholas Quickfist, quickfisted on the ground by Hezekiah the Judean. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Always a good way for a team to sign off - stamping an elf's face into the floor!"

Season awards and commemorative furniture and utensils to follow once we recover the ceremonial crayon from Growthspurt's sweaty paw...


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Mar 12, 2020 - 09:13 Reply with quote Back to top

Season LXXX Death Watch Commemorative Furniture And Utensils

This was a season of firsts. The first season since records began where any of the following players died:
Underworld Blitzer,Undead Ghoul,Helmut Wulf,Elf Thrower,Dark Elf Assassin,Orc Goblin,Goblin Doom Diver,Glart Smashrip,Ogre Snotling,Ogre Ogre,Human Catcher,Orc Blitzer, Slann Blitzer
With big names like Squanchy and Erebus leaving permanently, there could be a whole new crop of players turning up. In hospital waiting rooms and morgues throughout the wastes.

"Burning Sensation" Grogg takes the For The Love Of The Game Medicated Bandages, suffering three serious injuries this season and still playing. We've yet to have a player who has more serious injuries than games - will somebody manage four injuries next season and steal the commemorative bandages away?

This season's Glass Cannon Glass Cannon goes to Styx and Warpstones, for killing or injuring 8 players and sustaining 14 in return. Last season's holders, the Trondheim Hammers, managed almost the opposite, taking out 15 players for only 5 serious injuries sustained. What was going on there?

The You Can Take It But You Can't Dish It Out Dish goes to Delmar Night Crawlers, suffering 3 deaths this season without killing a single opponent.

Meanwhile the You Can Dish It Out But Can You Take It Butter Dish is awarded to the Ahtali Lavabulls, topping the killer board with five deaths this season while not losing a single chorf, bentaur or hoblin. (That's right, the Death Watch is down with the kids and all their cool slang!) After early complaints that they were relatively pillowfisted, that team turned out to be the quiet killers of the league.

The It Took You A While But Thanks Anyway Limited Edition Soup Tureen goes to Frank's Food Truck Collective, who waited for the last round of the season sacrifice one of their players to Nuffle.

The Terrifying Chamberpot of Doom is awarded, as ever, to the most lethal player this season. Both Rilithel the Reaper and Mike managed 3 kills each, but after a strongly debated argument among the judges, Mike is awarded the Terrifying Chamberpot, on account of Rilithel having a chance to win it next season, whereas Mike is now dead. The Crowd, provider of six kills this season, are apparently restive.


Joined: Oct 12, 2013

Post   Posted: Mar 12, 2020 - 09:17
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The SWL LXXX Team Achievements

Turns (1127): Frank's Food Truck Collective
Completions (19): Morning Breakfast Cereal
TDs (17): Morning Breakfast Cereal
Cas (19): Vermintidе, Big Boys Don't Block & Singed Poor Scoundrels
SPP (121): Windy City Brunch Squad
Passing yards (85): Morning Breakfast Cereal
Rushing yards (291): Bun Dead
Blocks (388): Cold Rock
Fouls (56): Singed Poor Scoundrels
Blocks/Cas (13.6): Vermintidе
Pass/Cp (4.7): Brockian Brown Bandits
Kills (5): Bone-Head Train, Big Boys Don't Block & Ahtahli LavaBulls

Turns (1168): Malice Renegades!
Completions (22): Amateur Professionals
TDs (18): Pugs Not Drugs
Cas (23): Blackwater Cockfighters & Trondheim Hammers
SPP (125): Amateur Professionals
Passing yards (133): Amateur Professionals
Rushing yards (290): Blackwater Cockfighters
Blocks (365): Blue Mountain Giants
Fouls (25): Didgeridead
Blocks/Cas (11.3): Trondheim Hammers
Pass/Cp (6.1): Amateur Professionals
Kills (4): Didgeridead

Turns (1123): [adult swim]
Completions (13): Sakh'Alin Tigers
TDs (11): Bronzed Raiders
Cas (37): Bronzed Raiders
SPP (124): Bronzed Raiders
Passing yards (18): Styx αnd Warpstones, Sakh'Alin Tigers & Leopold Leeches
Rushing yards (219): Bronzed Raiders
Blocks (314): [adult swim]
Fouls (47): Bronzed Raiders
Blocks/Cas (10.0): Bronzed Raiders
Pass/Cp (3.0): Leopold Leeches
Kills (3): Sakh'Alin Tigers & Bronzed Raiders

Image The Unofficial Maester Whippy Dean Douglas Sundae
Image On Second Thawt (More Food for Thawt) 22 spp

The SWL Season LXXX Awards

Image Image Ryan Fitzpatrick (Meeami DeadFins) 7 TDs
Image Image Manshape Gutwart (Singed Poor Scoundrels) 8 cas
Image Five players tied - we've run out of bronze hearts, sorry 114 turns
Image Image Sapasui Simon (Frank's Food Truck Collective) 151 rushing yards
Image Image Jade (Morning Breakfast Cereal) 69 pass yards
Image Image Pinkeye Growthspurt (Singed Poor Scoundrels) 20 fouls
Image Image Frankie the Mouse (Brockian Brown Bandits) 71 blocks
Image Image Jade (Morning Breakfast Cereal) 10 cps
Image Image Brutran Brain Scalper (Ekrund Warriors) 4.5 block/cas
Image Image Jade (Morning Breakfast Cereal) 6.9 pass/cp

Image Image Ryan Fitzpatrick (Meeami DeadFins) 23 SPP

Image Image Strawberry (Pugs Not Drugs) 13 TDs
Image Image Chocolate (Pugs Not Drugs) 9 cas
Image Image Ken Stewart (Amateur Professionals) 114 turns
Image Image Stuart, the End Level Guy (c) (Blackwater Cockfighters) 261 rushing yards
Image Image Doug Bruce (Amateur Professionals) 90 pass yards
Image Image Tebec (c) (Didgeridead) 15 fouls
Image Image Flint Warmantle (Blue Mountain Giants) 71 blocks
Image Image Dave Loveridge (Amateur Professionals) 13 cps
Image Image Albert (Trondheim Hammers) 3.25 block/cas
Image Image Doug Bruce (Amateur Professionals) 10 pass/cp

Image Image Strawberry (Pugs Not Drugs) 44 SPP

Image Image Torduken (Bronzed Raiders) 10 TDs
Image Image On Second Thawt (More Food for Thawt) 11 cas
Image Image Ants-In-My-Eyes Johnson ([adult swim]) 113 turns
Image Image Torduken (Bronzed Raiders) 195 rushing yards
Image Image Sherenga the Enduring (Sakh'Alin Tigers) 16 pass yards
Image Image Claracon (Bronzed Raiders) 38 fouls
Image Image Salamoneus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 83 blocks
Image Image Sherenga the Enduring (Sakh'Alin Tigers) 8 cps
Image Image Persephone (Styx αnd Warpstones) 4.34 block/cas
Image Image Apostol Alexandru (Leopold Leeches) 2.5 pass/cp

Image Image Torduken (Bronzed Raiders) 31 SPP

Joined: Oct 12, 2013

Post   Posted: Mar 24, 2020 - 05:41
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This season's Southern Wastes All Star Presentation is brought to you in association with Underworld Armour, the performance sporting apparel brand that replaces Orcidas as the official supplier of shoelaces to discerning Blood Bowl players throughout the leagues. Stay tuned after the show for a detailed presentation of how our thaumaturgical technology is guaranteed to prevent all accidents from failed dodges, leaps, go for its and walking around on the pitch!

As many people are aware, various counterfeit versions of the All Star scrolls have been circulating, and the best way to check for them is to see if a) they're written on stolen toilet paper, b) they're written in crayon, and c) the handwriting matches a certain Mr P Growthspurt, who's been constantly badgering our judges to be reinstated on the line-up. As no badgers exist in the Southern Wastes, he's been unsuccessful, and we can now proudly present to you the true All Stars of the 80th season of the glorious SWL.

ImageAll-Stars Season LXXXImage

Multiple time “Rising Star” in the League, it is perhaps a bitter irony that it was only on the cusp of his retirement that this behemoth was acknowledged for an All-Star legacy. Manshape Gutwart may be criticised as merely monstering the small fry in Reggies perhaps, but monster them he did. Garnering just over one casualty a game, a feat that saw him equal 4th in the League as a whole. He did some of his most steadfast work when the team grew thin on the pitch, and indeed was sole player to compete in every one of 54 matches in the team’s history. A remarkably talented and professional specimen… for a Troll, he was a large part of the crowd appeal for the bottom dwelling goblins he Starred alongside. All true fans of the game will have a Manshaped hole in our hearts, he will be missed.

As we've come to expect, there's a great big cow on the line of scrimmage: that's right, after Socrates retired last season, On Second Thawt has been shining. The golden boots he's strutting around in are from an impressive 11 casualties in the Premier Division, Second Thawt shows a peculiar prediliction for undead flesh, having managed to properly kill a vampire this season as well as put serious injuries into a couple of zombies. Every team needs some beef in their diet!

A little bit of thunder - Chocolate added 9 casualties, most in the conferences and third most in the league. Finding cas triples in the games against the Dongs and the Rationalists, he also picked up 3 TDs with an amazing all round performance. Now a SWL legend, he has only recently signalled that he is considering retirement in the near future. The Pugs bigger budget hints there might be one more tilt at Premiership glory left in him.

A little bit of lightning - Strawberry scored in every match in the season to earn the coveted silver ball to go with Chocolate's silver knuckles, pushing his scoring streak out to 10 games. With hat-tricks against the Dongs and the Rationalists, he set the scoring benchmark for the league with a massive 13 TD haul and led the Pugs to secure promotion to Premier League #81 with 5 straight wins. At 4.58 SPP per game, he may go very close to becoming the 2nd Pugs legend to achieve the title before even pondering retirement.

Returning to claim an unprecedented seventh All-Star scroll is the tiny two-headed hate machine that is Salamoneus. After well-deserved criticism at the start of the season that he was only smashing wood elfs like cheap firewood because of their weak armour, Salamoneus disproved that by going out and killing one orc and hobbling another. With six of his ten victims needing at least a game off to recover from their injuries, this was a consistent showing in the Premier division by the horrible horned vermin of the Southern Wastes.

It’s rare for a player with the armour of a snotling to become a Legend, but this four time entry into the All Stars is a rare beast indeed. Dan Dan, Legend by name and Legend by personal reputation, he was the 2nd most impressive showboat in a Prem dominated by at least one other Wood Elf team. Perhaps, dissatisfied with the glory of his Elfy rivals, he contributed massively to the sole upset win against the eventual Champs, making for a tighter contest all around in the Big Show. He was an impressive all rounder, capping the season and a scintillating, if blood soaked, career in SWL with an impressive 8 Cas in a tough division. He scored a meagre two TDs, but it was his work off the ball that impressed. Pressuring in multiple games as well as recovering and providing solid ball service to his up and coming teammates.

Doug Bruce had a short 21 game career in SWL but what an innings! In his final season he collects a well earned third All Star scroll. Many doubted that he'd see a second season after a smashed collar bone in reggies severely dented his strength, but his powerful right arm never showed any sign of withering. In s80 despite allowing an understudy to shoulder much of the workload, Doug still threw the ball further than any other in the league, often into the waiting arms of team mate.....

Stu Wilson. One of the true new stars of the league, this high elf catcher was a prolific scorer. Towards the end of s80 there were two players threatening one of SWL's longest held records. On 11 touchdowns, with two games to go, Wilson had his focus firmly on breaking 15 touchdowns in a season. Perhaps his sight would have been better focused towards the stands. Nobody saw who threw that deadly rock, but many claim it came from a rival werewolf.

Just what does it mean to have 38 fouls recorded against you in a season? Claracon took out 1 elf kicker but it wasn't enough against the champs to be, missed a ghoul that was key to an early tied game, but then removed 3 chaos including a keystone Chosen blocker, making the vamp who would've trivially secured all the loose ball instead sit out the second half for another tie, then roared into gear and wound up the season all on his own by removing 5 underworld from play, then 4 orcs, and lastly 3 wood elves to leave the team a canter in against a near-empty pitch game after game. Argued back into three of them, this hobgoblin is the reason the Bronzed Raiders finished a comfortable 2nd place.

Torduken was the one trusted to do the cantering most of the time, holding up against hit after hit against chaos and wood elf alike, only the Vamps able to knock him down when it counted, his yardage and touchdowns speak for themselves: premier division, 10 scores for the Disco Dan Ball, 195 rush yards for the Xies-Ler-Aym Slipper. You need a trusty pair of hands a secure enough dodge when things get messy, as they so often do in SWL premier division, and there's few so trusty as this brave and sturdy little hobgoblin. The team will be more than happy his skull was patched up successfully last game for another shot at the title come season LXXXI.

Gone are the days of the aged Competitive Era Stars and the venerable Norse Linemen it spawned, and in the crunch and churn of Seasonal play it is a rare Lineman indeed who makes it past being a rookie in the SWL. Stuart, the End Level Guy slips past such considerations with a blinding turn of speed and agility. Since appearing in the All Stars in his rookie season, he seems to have lived up to his promise. Frequently outmanoeuvring and outrunning his opponents with a dashing flair, that makes one think he was recruited against type in his draft year. He single-handedly rushed for a total that almost equalled the entire top rushing squads of many seasons past, and with a career record that exceeds the most prolific Gutter Runners in the league, is it any wonder he scores a majority of his team’s Touchdowns and has become a Super Star in amazing time? We in the selection committee say nay, and advise he remains one to watch.

LXXX All Stars
Manshape Gutwart, Singed Poor Scoundrels
On Second Thawt, More Food for Thawt
Chocolate, Pugs Not Drugs
Strawberry, Pugs Not Drugs
Salamoneus (c), Styx αnd Warpstones
Dan Dan, Bravado
Doug Bruce, Amateur Professionals
Stu Wilson, Amateur Professionals
Claracon, Bronzed Raiders
Torduken, Bronzed Raiders
Stuart, the End Level Guy, Blackwater Cockfighters

LXXX Prem Stars
Torduken, Bronzed Raiders
Hermes, Styx αnd Warpstones
Sherenga the Enduring, Sakh'Alin Tigers
On Second Thawt, More Food for Thawt
Persephone, Styx αnd Warpstones
Salamoneus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Claracon, Bronzed Raiders
Ants-In-My-Eyes Johnson, [adult swim]
Dan Dan, Bravado
Cornel Constantin, Leopold Leeches
Bral'ha, Bronzed Raiders

LXXX Conference Stars
Strawberry, Pugs Not Drugs
Stu Wilson, Amateur Professionals
Torgan Silvermead, Blue Mountain Giants
Stuart, the End Level Guy, Blackwater Cockfighters
Doug Bruce, Amateur Professionals
Chocolate, Pugs Not Drugs
Pablo, the Moneychanger, Blackwater Cockfighters
Flint Warmantle, Blue Mountain Giants
Tebec, Didgeridead
Ken Stewart, Amateur Professionals
Sold, Waaaaghton Redskins

LXXX Rising Stars
Ryan Fitzpatrick, Meeami DeadFins
Scarlet, Morning Breakfast Cereal
Kit Kat, Cold Rock
Sapasui Simon, Frank's Food Truck Collective
Jade, Morning Breakfast Cereal
Manshape Gutwart, Singed Poor Scoundrels
Aggro' Hardnukkle, Vermintidе
Frankie the Mouse, Brockian Brown Bandits
Pinkeye Growthspurt, Singed Poor Scoundrels
Freddy’s Frozen Custard & Steakburgers, Delmar Night Crawlers
The Botanist, Windy City Brunch Squad

Note: The All Stars committee is a group effort. Currently numbering 6 members who played a part in the selection and fluffmanship

Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Mar 24, 2020 - 07:22 Reply with quote Back to top

Notice to any and all Scoundrels fans:

All further games at the Theatre of Breams have been cancelled. Reports differ on whether it's because the coach was sacked and the team are revolting, or because Pinkeye Growthspurt got into the Bloodweiser reserves and started screaming at how unjust it was that Manshape was an All-Star when that was Pinkeye's. Whatever the reason, a man from the council has been round to declare the structure unsafe, the team unsporting and the stench disgusting.

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