Joined: Aug 10, 2018
Jun 24, 2020 - 06:01
Late breaking special
(definitely not that the Death Watch goblins were sleeping on the job and forgot to tune in to the Fish Oil Conference:
Ronny, failed dodge. Norse Berserker, 1 SPP.
"Good to see that fan favourite Shoelaces was active this week after all - I was worried he was losing his (fatal) touch!"
Hot Cross, sliced up by Albert. Undead Ghoul, 38 SPP.
Helmut Wulf, doesn't have big eyes or a mouth or anything after a block by Ogingi. Helmut Wulf, 0 SPP.
Pete the Strenuous Garfighter of Stug, f-f-f-f-fouled by Fliff Funston. Skaven Gutter Runner, 19 SPP.
Phew. Glad we got those guys fitted in, even if there were some joke names like Albert and Ronny there. Better update the parade of injuries too:
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
Jul 01, 2020 - 07:18
SWL DEATH WATCH LXXXII WEEK THREE
"Bob, where are all the flashing lights from the Death Watch banner?"
"We seem to have a problem with the Underworld Armour sponsorship, Jim. They're claiming all the footwear-related calamities are making them look bad."
"Well, a contract is a contract, Bob. Let's stick to the deaths and see about legal arguments later."
"You're right, we shouldn't waste time on those bloodsuckers -"
"I mean lawyers, Jim, not your sort -"
"Well, in that case, let's get to:"
Fleur Delacour, a flower blown away in the mighty wind of Jordell Freshbreeze. Human Blitzer, 7 SPP.
"So what you're saying, is elves fart?"
Zharta, no longer a starter after meeting Moolgrur. Chaos Dwarf Hobgoblin , 0 SPP.
"From fart to zhart and -"
"Bob, you're just belabouring things now."
Brisa, no happier after being hit by Grumpy. Underworld Goblin, 0 SPP.
"That Mr Consistency Award is in JPM's grasp. Every week, another goblin gets sacrificed to Nuffle, and the team keeps on going."
"I'm glad it's just rookie goblins."
"Easy for you to say, you're an ogre."
Albert Silentstream, cut off in mid-flow by Ensem The Prime. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
Pimiente, bitten in the ankles by Chihuahua. Elf Catcher, 1 SPP.
"A spicy little ground blitz there by the plucky young fella, eh?"
Doctor Nitrus Brio, had all his brio removed by Bel-Gedir The Powerful. Underworld Goblin 0 SPP.
"Two underworld goblins in one week? And both so experienced!"
Kuzco, left in pieces, left in Disgust. Chaos Chaos Warrior, 19 SPP.
"Do you have a stutter, Bob?"
"No, J-j-jim, it's just those Chaos Chaos Warriors..."
Fukuoka Asereje, given some unusual pelvic floor exercises by Rod Ketels. Wood Elf Lineman, 1 SPP.
"And there I was thinking Ketels was named after that Kislevite rotgut. You learn a new thing every day..."
Crumble, fell apart after a topping of Boysenberry Swirl. Necromantic Wight, 10 SPP.
"Well, Jim, a frankly disappointing haul this week. When the highlight of the week is a semi-skilled Chaos Warrior eating the dirt, you wonder why we bother looking at these deaths."
"Cheer up Bob, because next week we have a special guest."
"A special guest?"
"Yes, and I'll give you a hint - he's a two-faced rat who smells of fish. And he's going to help us present the week four 'trophies'!"
"I, er... don't get it."
"Never mind. Anything else before we go?"
"Well, there is the Curse of the Death Watch to review..."
"Not this again."
Curse Of The Death Watch This Season
The following killers have been injured:
Morty Smith 1 kill. Smashed Knee
Balloon Animalist. 1 kill. Dead
Andy Hayden. 1 kill. Pinched Nerve
Wasabi. 1 kill. Dead
Pus. 1 kill. Smashed Ankle
Felix. 1 kill. Fractured Leg
Ivanka Trump. 1 kill. Smashed Hand
The Scientist. 1 kill. Dead
Xenopus Laevis IIIII. 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Gut Vomit. 1 kill. Smashed Hip
Fliff Funston, 1 kill. Fractured Arm
And after that list of injuries, and the parade of the broken, stay tuned for the predictions of where the season will end up - three weeks in, some of those awards are almost won!
SWL DEATH WATCH PREDICTIONS
You Can Dish It Out But Can You Take It Butter Dish for the team that inflicts the highest number of serious injuries and deaths, while suffering the least itself. Didgeridead are head and dusty shoulders above the competition at the moment, having inflicted 9 serious injuries and deaths, and only suffering two in return (both on the same player, in the same match!)
The You Can Take It But Can You Dish It Out Butter Dish for the team with the highest casualty rate and the lowest number of kills and serious injuries: surprisingly close between Top Trumps, a rookie elf team, and Flack Ork Flockers, who we expected to be meting out the carnage, not having it inflicted upon them. Three hard matches against Khemri, Lizardmen, and ... er. Skaven have left the greenskinned boys black and blue...
The Delicately My Dear Kid Gloves, for the team that damaged the least number of opposing players. We predicted an elf team to be the easy shoe-in for this, but with the Blue Mountain Giants equal on inflicted injuries thus far, it's clear this could be the season to defy all expectations... Will there be a stunty on top by the end of week 7?
Freshly introduced for last season, the Massively Patronising "It's Called Blood Bowl For A Reason!" Bowl is a shameful utensil given to the team that provided the least entertainment. Three weeks in and we're shocked to see that Salute of the Jugger have achieved absolutely zip in three weeks. Come on, you monsters, get a move on!
The Glass Cannon Glass Cannon, for the team that suffered the most injuries while injuring more players than anyone else did, looks to be between two Chaos sides: Malice Renegades! and More Food For Thawt, while the third hard hitting Chaos team, everyone's Regional favourites the Real Fake Alternative Facts are out of the running, so far impervious to injury...
The Gastrotheca Riobambae III Commemorative Squashed Freddo awarded to the player who's suffered most this season in the name of Nuffle. A disappointing showing here, as every player who suffered the maximum two injuries by week 3 has died, limiting their ability to collect more points towards the Freddo, with the exception of Walleybudda, and the joke entry, Helmut Wulf.
And of course, the Terrifying Chamberpot Of Certain Doom, which goes to the player responsible for the most deaths this season. 33 players have killed one other player this season, but the shoelaces have already taken 3 lives. It's going to be hard for anyone to catch up with that lead (or persuade Underworld Armour to renew their contract!)
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
Jul 07, 2020 - 19:18
SWL DEATH WATCH SEASON LXXXII WEEK FOUR
"Welcome back to Death Watch, as we review the casualties from week 4. As the exact middle of the season, this is often where fatigue starts to set in, apothecaries begin to lose attention and the crowd has collected enough rocks to get some good Stu Wilsons. As announced last week, we have a special guest, paid for by our sponsors Underworld Armour coming in today to help us review the casualties, one of the foremost legends in the Southern Wastes League and responsible for quite a few broken bones and gouged eyes himself."
"Speaking of which, where is he, Jim?"
"He's a little bit late. I know we're going to see him here sooner or later. So how about we just start with:"
Blood Bowling Is Bad For Your Elf Section
Alkilkith, cast off by Casta Otto. Elf Catcher, 0 SPP.
"Ah, Albert Kill Kith, I remember him well. He ate three of his sisters and half of his dad."
"No you don't, Albert Kill Kith was a murderous troll from the Northern Wastes, not some fop of a pointy eared whelp!"
"Sorry. Easy mistake to make."
Dan Money, went looking for spare change and got pulled apart by the crowd. Wood Elf Lineman, 6 SPP.
"Bravado are really aiming for the Mr Consistency Award this season, aren't they? Has there been a week when they haven't lost a player?"
"Well, nobody died in their season opener."
"Yeah, Fukuoka and Dan really dodged their certain doom there. On that basis, Artoria Swan is up next."
"I'm already looking forward to it, Jim."
Farquharson Fiacre, completely farqed up by Sakura Hibiki. Dark Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"A fiacre fiasco, you could say."
"Not twelve times quickly."
Jalapeno, just a bad taste in the mouth after a hit by Ruffen' Kneeslamm. Elf Blitzer, 18 SPP.
"What's better than an AG5 elf blitzer?"
"Oh, I know this one, Jim... A dead AG5 elf blitzer?"
Willow Rosebark, blocked by Mobad Vaelem. Willow Rosebark, 0 SPP.
"As they say, a rose by any other name ... should be covered up with a sheet."
"That's beautiful, Bob."
Falcon, not returning from an appointment with The Doc. High Elf Catcher, 21 SPP.
"That's quite enough elves for one week, let's get on to something else."
Notlbrob Mitrik, blocked by Dhimvaco Tholnath. Vampire Thrall, 0 SPP.
"Notlbrob? More like not cut out for a career in Blood Bowl."
"Well, they had to cut him out of the pitch..."
Runt, smashed in by Kharon The Devoted. Chaos Dwarf Hobgoblin , 0 SPP.
"Looking at the Did You Know? archive it says here this particular dusty lump was a star in 'Carry On The Devoted', a 'comedy' only two millenia alone, along with Said James, the guttural chortling ex-pugilist and masseuse of great fame."
"A chortling gutter runner?"
"Now look here, Bob, if you don't have any culture, just shut up, don't draw attention to your ignorance!"
McKennen, won't be around again aftet a run-in with Abomination. Human Lineman, 6 SPP.
Spac, got a thwack from Roger Repulsive. Human Blitzer, 2 SPP.
Rize Kamishiro, will never rise again after being sawn in half by Nobbla Blackwart. Necromantic Ghoul, 14 SPP.
Laurie, feeling sorry to meet Ched. Necromantic Werewolf, 8 SPP.
"Now wasn't it just last week we saw Laurie kill somebody?"
"And weren't you telling me there's no such thing as the Curse of the Death Watch?"
"Well, watch and learn, Jim. Watch and learn..."
Moolgrur, given a whole new topping by Boysenberry Swirl. *Chaos Beastman, 2 SPP.
"And that's the second visit for the Curse of the Death Watch this week."
"Again, Bob, there's no such thing as the Curse!"
"How do you explain all those players dying after they kill somebody?"
"What, how do you explain all those Blood Bowl players dying after they go onto the pitch?"
"Well, some players are never going to die. What about our special guest today? He's killed loads of players. You don't just die because you play Blood Bowl!"
"I have to sort of agree with you there Bob. But then I am a vampire."
Scream Soul, silenced by Murdagee. Lizardman Skink, 17 SPP.
Ulric Silentlightning, earthed by Semla. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
"I'm even more excited than normal, because our helpful sponsors at Underworld Armour have somehow come up with enough cash for another award."
"That looks suspiciously like two bowls filled with smashed eggs, Bob."
"That's right, Jim. The You Can't Make An Omelette Without Breaking A Few Eggs Omelette is an innovative award, shared by the two teams with the most serious injuries in a single game. That way, even if half your team is in traction, you get some delicious eggs to eat to salve your wounds."
"It's not actually an omelette, then, is it Bob? Not if you haven't bothered to cook it."
"Bah, mere technicalities, Jim. Just feast your eyes on this prize - do you think any one is going to get more than the six amazingly hard hits we saw in the Warpstones/Facts match?"
"I don't know, Bob. There's three weeks to go."
Roxanna Darknail, had her tips split and her varnish ruined by Salamoneus. Chaos Beastman, 8 SPP.
"Starting off with the third victim of the Curse of the Death Watch this week, it was of course the delectable Darknail. Two weeks ago she was jumping up and down on the head of a prone Wardancer, shortly afterwards the coach was boasting about how once she had longer legs she'd be jumping higher than a Slann blitzer, and now the only glass ceiling she'll be bumping her head on is the transparent cover for her coffin."
"That's not a curse, Bob. That's just the inevitable consequences of running into Salamoneus, ten time All Star."
"Speaking of which, where is our favourite two headed horned fish-themed blitzer?"
Kirioth Krakeneye, sent back to the sea forever by Pirithous. Chaos Beastman, 0 SPP.
"An unbelievable death toll meted out by the Warpstones once again. Obviously, that's what you expect when a toughened team of veterans runs into a group of rank amateurs pretending to be superstars it's obvious they're not. I'm sure when our special guest arrives in the studio, he can say a few things about the total wipeout those chancers received."
"Yes, Jim, but -"
"Speaking of which, where is our special guest? He's one of the biggest stars the SWL has ever known, currently in ninth place but sure to be going higher up the rankings as his career continues. This season, he's topping the casualty and block charts, and definitely my pick for the bronze knuckles and shield as he leads the team towards another Conference run next season -"
"Jim, he's -"
"He's late, Jim. It's almost the end of the show this week and he's nowhere to be seen."
"Well, he's very late, Jim."
"I know that, Bob, he should have been here half an hour ago to talk us through the casualties."
"I mean, he's right there, Jim."
"On the list."
Salamoneous, double-POW'ed off the pitch by Griff Oberwald. Underworld Blitzer, 291 SPP.
"Well, after a lot of talk about Salamoneous hogging the glory in the All Star dressing room, it's one of those cruel ironies that his team mate was the one who hogged the apothecary. The biggest hit since we've been keeping notes on these things back in SWL LXXVII, and the only bigger deaths in history were Big Daddy Cool (zapped by a lightning bolt) and Emily, every other legend either retired or watched their team give up."
"And what a glorious rat he was while he was around - at least five kills since we've been watching the matches, and too many serious injuries and casualties to count. Definite evidence that the Curse of the Death Watch comes for us all, eventually. And I expect the Trumps, Boncos and the Silverman Gym to all be sending, at the very least, a fruit basket to Griff in thanks for making their upcoming games safer."
"Still, a rat like that doesn't come cheap - rumours are he demanded more than a hundred thousand gold pieces to stick around for this season."
"Well, he's sticking around for as long as it takes the stadium goblins to find the pressure washer and rinse him off the pitch."
"So with Salamoneous out, the question on everyone's minds is: What about Impak?"
"Well, he's already above 300 SPP. He'll need to survive for another 50 games and grab every single MVP he can if he's going to get close to François Englert. And I suggest the Curse is probably hovering ready to take him away from us too."
"Controversial words there, Bob. Before you say anything else atrocious, let's hop over quickly and check in on the End of Season Death Watch Predictions."
"Every week we do this, and one of these weeks we're going to do it right."
In a shock move, the Real Fake Alternative Facts look to be wrestling the You Can Dish It Out But Can You Take It Butter Dish away from Didgeridead - both teams are neck on neck on injuries caused, but the Facts have been a bit luckier on how many players they've had to sacrifice - just a couple of dead Beastmen in 4 weeks.
Meanwhile, after the strange appearance of some orcs last week, the world is back to normal with the [b}Brockian Brown Bandits[/b] looking to secure the The You Can Take It But Can You Dish It Out Butter Dish with a resounding ten injuries received and only four given out.
The Delicately My Dear Kid Gloves, held onto by a dwarf last week, have now been relinquished, but is it to an elf team, or to Salute of the Jugger, failing to hurt anyone in four weeks, but possibly eyeing up the Massively Patronising "It's Called Blood Bowl For A Reason!" Bowl instead. Don't forget, it's only one prize per team!
"Bob, doesn't that mean the Facts aren't getting the Omelette then?"
"Sssh Jim, give them their moment of glory..."
The Glass Cannon Glass Cannon - in a shock call, the judges are suggesting that Didgeridead might get it. They have had the most injuries while injuring more players than anyone else, right now. A bit more decay will clinch this one for the sandy storm of doom...
Difficult to call the Gastrotheca Riobambae III Commemorative Squashed Freddo as most of the players who have been injured twice died the second time around. It's between Lainie Luxovious and Walleybudda right now, but everything to play for in the last three rounds of the season!
And finally, the Terrifying Chamberpot Of Certain Doom. Right now it's the Shoelaces as usual, but Boysenberry Swirl and Kharon The Devoted are both right on its heels!
"Shoelaces don't have heels, Bob."
"Whatever. Let's just line up all the injured players from this week and call it a night."
Joined: Aug 01, 2015
Jul 08, 2020 - 02:29
From the desk of Coach Klazam of the Blood Crag Stripes
"To the curators of the Death Watch, and to Jim & Bob,
Mr. Soul's family is horrified to learn that the Death Watch misidentified him as being a lowly Skink, in addition to not paying him the honor of an obituary.
Their demand is some monetary compensation for their amplified grief and a full and public apology from Jim & Bob.
Funds payable to the Blood Crag Stripes, on their behalf.
Blood Crag Stripes"
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
Jul 08, 2020 - 02:39
"Bob! Have you seen this?"
"Some scaly fiend has sneaked out of their terrarium and is sending threatening letters."
"Pinkeye's harmless, and he's not even scaly."
"No, not Pinkeye. Looks like some kind of Lustrian."
"Slann again? Not Toupee Pantechnicon complaining about mispellings?"
"No, Bob. It's those Blood Crag Stripes. They say they want cash."
"Well, we spent all the Underworld Armour money on beer and exotic dancers already."
"Is that why the Death Watch is riddled with errors?"
"Speak for yourself. Look, just put this correction up and I'm sure everyone will be happy."
"You haven't even looked at the letter to figure out which one we got wrong."
"Relax, I'm infebrile."
DEATH WATCH PRODUCTIONS OFFER FULL APOLOGY TO CREAMY COLE
Creamy Cole, put in his place by Murdagee. Lizardman Chameleon Skink, 17 SPP.
"To be fair, we didn't see that one coming, but what do you expect from one of those notoriously stealthy lizards?"
"Bit of a porker, wasn't he? Skinks aren't usually that big."
"Lizards taste of chicken, not pork, Bob."
"Well anyway, that should do. Hit publish and we can go to the pub."