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RicardoGrande



Joined: Nov 18, 2021

Post 18 Posted: Jul 18, 2022 - 13:49 Reply with quote Back to top

Hello cutlery! Again it is I your bewildering, or bewildered ... sometimes I'm not so sure... host Verner Hishog.

Following successful sessions recording Music for Seaports The Mascara Snake has been rehired to do blow ... is this the right expression ... on The Plate of Mirror: Mind Eno's next ambient album. So it is your misfortune and my pleasure to provide you with all the information about the teams for OSBBL season 9 that might burden your fevered dreams.

As I have been told is tradition in the OSBBL I am here with the tortured soul of former veteran of The Mourkain Kings, Ioan Mihaili. As is the ghastly custom, in these deviant and perverted islands, which I love vigorously and deeply ... much like a female spider loves the male before sucking the life out of it to provide for their young... such noble and erotical sacrifice... But yes, the custom is that the last player to die in the Suker Cup is brought back to provide commentary on the next season of the OSBBL. What a cruel and unusual torture... To bring back a great star so that they may only act as a spectator living vicariously off the scraps of glory from the field which they once lived for and partook of.

But I digress, Ioan, you've had a bit of a bad run over the past season, missing out on the Sword, the poo thingy (Sucker. It's a sucker you absent minded Tuetonic crackpot - ed) and then dying. What is burdening your soul and what are your hopes for the future?

Well Verner, their are a lot of good teams and coaches in the OSBBL, and while nuffle does influence the outcomes of games it's always the best team on the day that comes away with the win. I'd also like to say that I'm honoured to follow in the footsteps of OSBBL royalty like Laskarina Boublina and ...

Yes, yes, enough of your hackneyed, banal, mediocre and uninsightful sportspersons banter Ioan. On with the show!

First up the teams of the Mourkain Kings division

Cheeze Eating Blender Monkeez

A perennial mainstay of the OSBBL, the 'nice mice' have come a long way since they first started.

Prior to the start of the season I was given a rare interview with the mysterious head coach of the Blender Monkeez: Mr Cushtie. Cushtie told me that growing up on a diet of too much Cabalvision, the Monkeez were obsessed with a band of Albionian troubadours (it might sound implausible but you'd be a believer too if you tried). But after sabre-rattling speeches by Naggarond kings saying rude things about Bretonnians, the little rodents got predictably confused about what sort of Monkeez they wanted to be. Deep down, they're just an affectionate set of mice who want to give the world a hug and never let go.

Fast forward ten years and Old Corp (owned by news mogul Roper Murder), were trying to cash in on the corporatisation of blood bowl. And what do blood bowl fans like more than blood? The Old Corp recruiters put together the team of the toughest mice they could possibly find for maximum carnage. Initially the Uglymail press labelled the team as 'a manufactured team of talentless hacks that don't write their own plays, can't handle the ball, and even use stunt doubles at times to stage carnage', but a few seasons in they've grown bigger and strong-strongerer. Cushtie tells me his secret has been to help the mice get in touch with their nice side. During the week he plays them garage troubadour classics and gets the team to take part in group hugs. While this training regime really sounds delightful ... like a walk through the velvety caress of ethereal clouds while luxuriating in nipple clamps... yes ... Well, all of the highest forms of pleasure have an element of pain, and Cushtie admits that he has lost a few slave mice in their training sessions. But this has really helped Super Star blocker Snuggles develop his tremendous strength and train his tentacles for maximum effectiveness. Although Snuggles might be hard to look over, watch out for their star runner wheezy. He is on the up and I hear has been training to take on a new role as a cage buster.

My feeling is that if this team can harness their protean, atavistic, rage (you know... that feeling you get when your cardigan zipper gets stuck to your neck) they could have a run at the play-offs. If not, well, maybe they can set a new blender record.

Udder Chaos

What happens when you introduce blood bowl to a high class beastmen stud farm? Udder Chaos.

The prestigious house of Excultus Taurus has been known as a stud for discerning beastladies of good breeding for centuries. In its heyday, it was known for its incredible selection of studs to suit all tastes. Bos taurus with the finest hair, perfumed, oiled, and trimmed in all the right places to keep the ladies satisfied. For those more inclined to gastronomy, it had bulls that know the ancient secrets, etiquette and ... massages for the most sublime milk ceremony. Or for the ladies more inclined to a free-spirited musician they had buffalo with the deepest warm rich baritones. Or for the lady that appreciates the largest erogenous zone, the stud had an impressive library and debating team that produced famed conversationalists. With only the finest bull-gors, many a beastman chieftain has been sired by the studs of Excultus Taurus.

However, in recent years the calibre of the studs was declining, not to mention the number of. The bulls were spending too much time goring each other instead of completing their finishing school classes, so blood bowl was added to the curriculum. With this opportunity to sate their animal savagery on brays, the bulls were then able to focus on their etiquette and kama-sutra classes to keep the customers satisfied.

And as many a beastwomen will attest, Montador the Metrosexual certainly satisfies. It is said that this all-stud, all-quarter-back, all-doombull is descended from Khorne himself: by way of King Minos' unfortunate wife. If Montador can spend more time on his passing game and less time on his elocution, The Udders might have a chance at not being in the the mullet playoffs.

Hoblin Army

I reached out to the Hoblin Army's press manager for some comment and I got a strange song about fouling:

'They are an army.
They each bring but one good boot.
All they have as a team, is their unity of purpose, and their boots.
And thus, do they boot.

If it falls, it gets the boot.
If it stumbles, it gets the boot.
If they have to somehow drag it down themselves, the boot awaits!

And in the meantime, they be hoblin' along, on their one good boot each, ready to give that boot to the league!'

I'm not really sure what to make of it. Are they a group of retired veterans with leg injuries? Are they a union of socialist cobblers fighting a kick and run war with the capitalist money making machine that blood bowl has become? Are they a not-for profit organisation that have donated half their boots to tiny blood bowl orphans? Whatever the case may be these gits .. am I saying this right ... it just sounds like something a toddler might say before they develop the capacity for intelligent speech ...yes... it is git... ok ... these gits have an impressive 60% win rate with more than 2 touchdowns for for every one against. With players like Star Kayden Gront The Hobblers certainly have the capacity to score, however they do seem to struggle with injuries.

If The Hobblers can keep more players out of the cas box I can see this team making it through to the semis in the playoffs. If not I think they still have a good chance of making it past the conferences.

Wakey Wakey Hands off Snakey

This plucky group of undersnakes emigrated from backwater Khuresh to follow their dreams and start a chain of food wagons selling the eponymous Wakey Wakey Snakey noodles. These spicy noodles were famed in their homeland for their incredible prophylactic effect against procastibation. Knowing the dwellers of the Deserted Isles fondness for fondling, the snakes hoped to bring improved productivity and morality to the poor and barbarous people of the southern seas.

Shortly after opening their first food wagon, one day the team took to the field at the local stadium to drum up brand awareness. The snakes had surprising success. They found that the heady mix of spices emanating from their chefs gave them the ability to mesmerise players from the opposition. In addition to this, one of their noodle stretchers who brought in a mid-game snack found that, in the right hands, the long snakey noodles could be used to keep opposing players fixed to the spot.

After the opposing side in the division two finals conceded due to a suspicious team wide occurance of epididymal hypertension, The Woke (as they are called by their fans) have been drafted into the OSBBL.

The coach Samson L. Naga believes that it is time the snakemen finally got a leg up (so to speak) to show how good they can be. Given the suspicious circumstances surrounding their entry and their lack of experience I do not see this team as play-off contenders. However, if other teams in the league find themselves with mysterious cases of blue balls/vulva they might avoid The Mullet.

Wydrioth Wild Hunters

Hailing from Athel Loren, this rookie team has entered the OSBBL with a lot of heart and big dreams. With tourism on the increase property prices have been booming. I hear it is getting tougher and tougher for local renters to compete with short-term rentals for tourists. As a result the local glow worm population has been forced to make tough choices between food and shelter. Moved by the plight of these minute, and unimportant worms, The Hunters set up a charity tournament to help provide necessities for these impoverished invertebrates.

Inspired by winning the charity cup, and raising paltry $57.35 for the worms, The Hunters have now set their eyes on the big leagues in hopes of greater winnings.

With this team still developing I see them middle of the pack by the end of the season, but if things go their way they could make the play-offs. The Veteren naiad Dyrrwyd is the player to watch on this team. This handsome (she looks like she could crush my skull with her bare hands... I love it, I really do) athlete manages to score every game so I see her as a real prospect for the shagger.

Pirates of the Antipodes

I have heard that this ragtag crew of convicts found themselves together after being busted stealing Cabal Vision broadcasts in Albion. Their punishment was transport for the terms of their natural (and unnatural) lives to the Deserted Isles where they were to pay off their debts to Cabal Vision as a fodder team in the OSBBL.

Well, with the way zombies fall apart over time, like most good pirate ships, especially the undead ones, most of the crew are now press-ganged. Usually from the corpses of opposing teams. The Syreens tend to lure unsuspecting opposition players and hypnotise them, and the ogres then 'recruit' them into the undead team. Most who knew Captain's Cook true identity and backstory have suspiciously gone missing, so if there are any remaining who know truly who he is and what his weaknesses might be they keep fairly quiet about it.

Well Verner, I have some insight into the Pirates having been on the field when The King's beat the Pirates out the Sucker cup. I'd say they are a hard team to beat. Captain Crook is definitely the star of the team, and when he gets his hook on the ball, this blodging big guy is near unstoppable.

Thank you Ioan, for the typical sports circle jerk. Do you have any insight into how it felt facing off against an zombie ogre? Or the existential dread of trying to tackle an inhumanly strong post-human vampire? No I thought not. But I feel maybe I am being too cruel. Please Ioan, what do you think this season sees for the Pirates?

Yes Verner you are being a bit of a phallus, but thank you anyway. While I don't see the Pirates taking the Sword this season, I could definitely see them in the semi-finals. Especially if they can keep their Syreens out of the injury box.

Ioan, I apologise I just get carried away with my emotions sometimes. I feel I have been hogging the mic so please go ahead and introduce us to the next team.

Harder Wetter Bluster Smoulder

I see what you did there Verner and I accept your apology, and respect your journalistic and artistic integrity.

Having never come up against them before, I am looking forward to seeing this team on the pitch. The winners of this seasons' tentacle cup, The Draught, a team of air elementals is blowing up! These erstwhile half time entertainers are in their element playing on the blood bowl pitch and are set to blow the competition away this season.

Everyone's favourite steam powered disco party hurricane, the Draught Punk is a dodging, blocking, passing machine. With an incredible passing game, I see them being in strong contention for taking hold of the Hand of Cod. Coming out of Secret Dawgz and the Secret Tentacle Smack with a 75% win rate these beings have more than a strong foundation in the elementary fundamentals of the game.

Back to you Verner.

The Rum Rebellion

Thank you Ioan, ah... The Rum! Speaking of artistic integrity, I understand that these boozy buccaneers threw off the golden chains of a lucrative liquor endorsement to play the game as Nuffle intended.

That said, while they prefer the freedom and idiosyncratic flavours of bootlegged liquor, if the match promoter has a keg, The Rum are always first in line. Despite a disappointing run at the Sucker Cup in the pre-season, this team has made the play-offs before. Provided these sozzled sea dogs can keep their slosh on, they might do us the honour of gracing us with their presence in the play-offs.

Well, despite all of my talk of journalistic integrity I will leave you now for a brief commercial break before returning to introduce the exquisite rabble that make up the Aeldari Slaa Division.

I am also contractually obliged to mention that the OSBBL is always on the lookout for new talent. Due to the high attrition rate of players in this brutal league ... what, I'm not supposed to say that... isn't that what the players come for, the raw intensity of living that only staring the void in the face with faeces in your pants brings ... ok what do you want me to say ... 'due to the lucrative contracts all players receive in the OSBBL many players retire early' .... I refuse to add the weight of my voice to this anodyne fabrication.

Anyway, if you want the glory and immortality that comes from being part of the bleeding-edge of blood bowl insanity you can find out more by visiting OSBBL headquarters , hiring a wizard to connect you to the OSBBL channel of Discord, or contacting our beloved OSBBL Sheriff Trickey.

I will be back to deliver some more four-dimensional truth nuggets after these messages from our unfortunately necessary sponsors.
RicardoGrande



Joined: Nov 18, 2021

Post   Posted: Jul 21, 2022 - 10:24 Reply with quote Back to top

Do you ever worry you might miscount your crops? Or maybe that you might make the wrong offerings to the wrong gods? Or are you unsure what the tax rate is this season? Or do you just not trust the tax man? Well worrying about the stocks and crucifixion are a thing of the past with your very own Alex Siri familiar!

What do I hear you say? Familiars are only for wizards? Not any more! Here at Alex Siri we have convenient finance and state subsidised options, so even the most penurious serf can get access to a first class familiar.

It'll make sure we know everything about you, your family, your religious beliefs, your production, your finances, and even your bowel movements. For a small service fee*, it will use this information to help you improve your productivity, calculate, schedule and notify your lord of your fealty contributions, curate the most portentous sacrifices just for you, keep you regular and even tell you what activities will improve your happiness.

Alex Siri familiars are more than just advisors, they also work as an extra pair of hands around the house! Need that cow milked? Alex Siri! Need to toilet that child? Alex Siri! Need those buboes squeezed? Alex Siri! Need to service that sex pest? Alex Siri! In the dark, they'll never know!

For all your sensitive personal information and household chores you need only remember one name!

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*Service fees may vary by fief, state subsidies, and uncollected bounties on crimes committed (or forecast to be committed) by the customer. Any unpaid service fees may incur interest. Any unpaid interest may be recouped by way of your first born child. In the event you are in arrears and remain childless for more than two years you may be required to enter into indentured servitude. For full terms and conditions please visit our local bureau for your complimentary tome.
Trickey



Joined: Oct 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 21, 2022 - 10:58 Reply with quote Back to top

The Mascara Snake approves this message. Please use your Alex siri to enter the Osbbl shop and pick up the latest Mind Eno record. Blood and Caterwauls from the deep south.
RicardoGrande



Joined: Nov 18, 2021

Post   Posted: Jul 31, 2022 - 04:13 Reply with quote Back to top

And I, Verner Hishog, return from the necessary evil that is our corporate partner Lustrian Pear Corporation's brazen grab for your money and soul. But I must say Blood and Caterwauls is well worth the purchase. Who knew: ambient music and blood bowl... Yes it is a fine line to balance. Without patronage the artist cannot live to create, and yet at what point does acquiescing to the fatuous needs of the cretinous corporate machine turn from the noble drudgery that is every serf's lot in life, to a base.... and embarrassing... need for ...for wealth and the attention and status that that brings....

Speaking of wealth and attention, there is no shortage of showmanship among the teams in the Aeldari Slaa Division

Ginger Thunder!

Oh Ioan, did you ever get a chance to see Ginger Thunder before they took the Slayer's Oath? If my memory serves me correctly they were called Mountain Thunder. I had the pleasure of watching them several times. I have this vivid memory of Big Connell doing a fan dance at the afterparty for the opening of Yukijo Nishima's Fukoku. It was really something to behold. Well, although I will miss their erotical performances, I for one am glad to see them on the blood bowl pitch. I am sure they will bring with them their animal magnetism and artistic flair. Ioan how do you think the Thunder will go on the pitch?

Well Verner, I can't rightly say. We didn't have much of that sort of entertainment in the Crypts. It was more long recitals of the glories of battles and matches past. But I know a blocker when I see one and boy do these guys look like they can pack a punch. This rookie team is so far undefeated so they might make the playoffs, or even further. While Big Connell might lead the troupe, I think Brian the Blessed is the dwarf to watch. His surprising speed has secured the Thunder more than a few touchdowns. That said, well oiled as they may be, I'm not sure that he'll be a contender for the rampant shagger with those stumpy pegs.

Troutmask Replica

Ioan, I really must say that I almost didn't believe it when the legendary Troutmasks announced their return to the OSBBL. I never thought I would get the opportunity to get myself a genuine troutmask... I do feel conflicted though. Those hapless cresters are really quite adorable. And since they have rejoined the league there has been a surprising shortage of snacks. Someone seems to be raiding all of the local stores.

But to their game. There is an artistry to the long-shot play that The Troutmasks excel at. To watch Frownland Remastered throw, or on occasion slice in two, a crester is a real thing of beauty. The sublime collision at the unstable equipoise of precision and strength. Tenderness and brutality. Glory and sacrifice... it really strikes a chord deep in my limbic system. It is too bad what happened to Don Glen Vliet. Can you just imagine the on pitch spectacle he and the Troutmasks would bring? Funky shafts of light. Scaly manfish dodging to the endzone. The furious atavistic rhythm of crustacean bongos!

Sure enough and yes I do Verner, although I might not know much about half time entertainment, over the seasons I have had the privilege of watching surprisingly long lived star crester Moonlight on Vermont develop into a phenomenal player. But will they be enough to be a leading light for the team? They're now two games into the season and yet to score. I'd say these fishy folk are in for a date with the Mullet.

I don't know Ioan, but there is nothing I would like to see more than the Troutmasks holding The Sword.

Aeldari Slaa

The eponymous Aeldari Slaa. What can I say? This team really is in a league of its own. The Aeldar return to season 9 of the OSBBL as defending champs of the Wilkinson Sword. The origins of this team are shrouded in mystery, and there are a number of rumours about the Aeldar's provenance of varying salaciousness. A favourite of mine is that the cult of The Aeldar was born of a particularly debauched meeting of octogenarian swingers. Slaanesh approved of their reckless abandon and experimentation and gave physical form to the energy harnessed from their exertions: and thus, the keeper of secrets, Aeldari Slaa herself was born. Slaanesh also gifted some of the especially enthusiastic with claws and mesmerising eyes so they could better ply their passions. Over time their number swelled and they attracted a devout following of cultists. In their quest for new experiences and sensations, growing bored of their usual routines, The Aeldar took their elaborate roleplays to the blood bowl field. ( This content reflects the views and words of Verner Hishog only. The OSBBL and Aeldari Slaa coaching staff distance themselves from this degenerate and slanderous filth - ed)

Ioan you played against The Aeldar in last season's final. Do you have any insights?

Well Verner, these guys were unstoppable last season. But will these senior citizens be able to keep it up? I don't know. There are some troubling rumours that the team is past its prime and that the demonettes might be losing their mojo. If this is the case a heavy burden will fall on Aeldari Slaa. This said, the Aeldar are almost certain to be in the playoffs, but whether they make the finals will depend on whether the demonettes can get the right prescriptions.

DSR B team

Ioan, The Dirty Stinking Rats are back: if only the club's second division squad. This team has seen more than its fair share of OSBBL seasons, first joining the competition all the way back in Season 3. In this time the DSR have never got their claws on a swert. They have however gotten the chum bucket once and the mullet twice. But don't let this fool you, this team has made it all the way to the semi-finals in the past: even with 4 rats or less on the field they can score. If the opposing team isn't paying attention they will find The DSR all over the ball like a rash. I may simply be telling you things that you already know Ioan, but I am capable of original thought.
In the off-season I did some investigation into these rats and their motivations. The rumour is that The DSR originally trained in the far east for corporate espionage. After a number of successful intellectual property heists they were despatched by the squig like Rotte Corporation to the Deserted Isles to steal the secrets behind Pineapple Lumps from Rascall. As part of a social engineering scam the DSR entered the local blood bowl league to get to know the Rascall staff. To their surprise The DSR took first place in the league and found themselves with an invitation to join the OSBBL. And the rest is OSBBL history. How do you think the DSR will do this season Ioan?

Well Verner it's hard to say. There is definitely some talent on the team. The assassin Kenshin and gutter runner Tayuya II are both extremely skilled players, however their season hasn't gotten off to a good start and the competition is quite bash heavy this time round. So even if they manage to find themselves in the play-offs they might struggle with injuries. Especially if they meet their arch nemeses The Blender Monkeez. But I have a good feeling about the DSR this season. I reckon at the very least they will avoid the mullet this season.

The Glam Crabs

Ahhhh, everybody's favourite glitter throwing, lycra wearing, musical mutants. I remember being fortunate enough to catch The Glam back at home in Altdorf back before they hit the big leagues and started playing blood bowl. What a night! Mabelline Jaguar doing a poetry reading while wearing gloves filled with bullet ants. Glamina's contortion routine. Sydney Windwhisper's throat singing. The articulate vileness… and baseness… and obscenity ... but the poet must not avert his eyes... yes... I think focusing on the Blood Bowl was a good choice for them really. While they certainly have an electric stage presence, and can work the crowd, they were never very talented musicians. Ioan, how do you think The Glam will go this season?

Well Verner, I think the glam need to focus less on their after parties and on pitch choreography and more on learning how to play. I don't think they take the game seriously enough and I really don't see them making play-offs. With more than half of the team suffering from long term groin injuries I can see more than a few players getting involuntarily retired this season: and among them crowd favourite Glamina Crayons. Who knows, maybe The Glam might be in contention for the chum-bucket?

Well Ion that could definitely be on the cards, The Glam certainly know how to suffer for their art.

McDonald's Farm

Oh yes, I’m loving it. The victors of the inaugural Secret DAWGZ tournament and champs of the last OSBBL festive beatdown, we have the Albionian McDonald’s Farm. Also known to their fans as The Farm. While filming a documentary on ceremonial uses of neti pots, I gained a rare insight into the lives of these dirt surfers. What I gather from their bizarre… syncopated, jargon filled cants… I am aware of the repugnant hypocrisy in my words… but I ask you, who among us is not a hypocrite? …. Anyway, these particular sanctimonious hypocrites told me they became stranded in the Deserted Isles after overstaying their working holiday visas. The patchouli sporting bush pigs then started a commune in the woods. At first it was all mud baths, crystals, and smudging workshops, but then the local franchise of McMurty’s’ started dumping their rubbish in the forest. Like all good dirtbags The Farm ate all of the food they could get their grubby little mitts on. To their misfortune there are potent potions of addiction mixed into all McMurty’s comestibles.

In time, the pull of the brew was too strong and the weekly drop off of festering burgers and fries were not enough to satisfy The Farm’s gnawing hunger. Rejecting the slavery and debasement inherent in using money, and thereby submitting to the capitalist industrial complex, they had to find another way to tame their urges. Finding that the local little leeg was sponsored by McMurty’s, The Farm signed up, much to the shock of the local parents. After putting half of the local children into hospital, The Farm took the little leeg cup and a year of all the McMurty’s they could eat. I understand they introduced an age limit to little leeg the next year.

Looking for a sponsorship from McMurty’s to keep the monkey off their back, The Farm entered the OSBBL. With a strong win percentage of 60% I’d say they might just get their wish. Ioan what do you think?

Thanks Verner, this is one strong team. My understanding is that the woad berserkers have used some type of strange stretching meditation from Ind to store their ravenous hunger and release it in a frenzy on the blood bowl pitch. If they can use that to good effect I can see them making it to the play-offs and maybe even being in contention for the sword. I also think that with all the squishy players in the Aeldari Slaa division star Blitzer Cheeseburger may be in contention for the Moby Dick.

Sheikh it off

Coming back to the Leeg after a long hiatus, these past winners of the Secret Smack ‘Sheikh it Off’ are back. Ioan, I must say that overly polished corporate teams are not usually my bowl of blutwurst, but I do admire Tay Tay’s industriousness and professionalism. What do you think Ioan?

Yes Verner, Tay Tay may have got her start when her father bought her her own blood bowl team but she has really developed an amazing technical game and business savvy that has turned the franchise into a force to be reckoned with. This team is lethal on the sidelines. If they can avoid too many injuries I think they might be a contender for the play-offs this season.

The Scurfs

What a fascinating study of the intersection of corporate greed and the human capacity for physical and psychological survival Ioan. Did you know that this team is owned in its entirety by Killhog’s? Killhog’s corporation noted the absence of a blood bowl breakfast cereal in the Southern Wastes and sent some of its peons to establish a new production and distribution centre for Griffie Flakes. When these unquestioning corporate drones arrived at the intended farm and factory site the only flora/fuana that would live were giant malformed moving mushrooms. Subsisting on and living in the strange mushrooms exposed the Killhog’s employees to Nurgle’s rot. Initially progress on the factory was slow, but invigorated with Nurgle’s resilience and stamina, a worker's utopia was erected… if your idea of utopia 12 hours hard labour 7 days a week in a food processing factory and all you can eat rotting mushroom flakes.

However, Griff Oberwald refused to endorse the breakfast cereal, being as it is impregnated with Nurgle’s rot. Looking for a new angle Killhog’s marketing division put together a team from the factory’s staff. And so The Scurfs and the eponymous Scurf Flakes were born.

Ioan, what can you tell me about the team? I understand that playing against them is somewhat of an experience in cognitive dissonance?

Yes, Verner. I’ve been on the other side of the field from The Scurfs and it is terrifying but strangely joyous. These guys really love the game and everytime they are on tour they are just happy to get an extended holiday from the factory. For such a bunch of jolly carefree folk they sure are brutal. I’ve never seen anyone crush a player with so much goodwill …. Or laugh so hard when one of their teammates goes splat. I’ve watched a few of their games this season and they really look to be in form. I wouldn’t be surprised if they make the play-offs again this season: especially if Flaky Scurf keeps racking up the casualties.

Thanks Ioan, well that’s it for the time being, we might be back with a highlight from time, but I am contractually bound to MC the awards ceremony.

Speaking of contractually bound, during the commercial break ... what ... I can't say that... 'the important messages from our corporate partner' .... ughh ... Perfect Prince give me strength... anyway our legal department asked me to remind you all that my commentary here reflects the views and opinions of yours truly Verner Hishog and do not reflect the views and values of The OSBBL. Ioan didn't get the same warning for some reason…

Well, I’m off to the pre-launch party of The Mascara Snake’s ‘Tales from Beneath the Cornflake. Until next time revel in the intensity of all the raw sensations in your nasty, brutish and short lives.
RicardoGrande



Joined: Nov 18, 2021

Post   Posted: Dec 11, 2022 - 02:45 Reply with quote Back to top

Hello Blood Sports Fans, it is that bittersweet time of the season again and I am your bittersweet host Verner Hishog. Wistfully wondering what The Mascara Snake is doing and thinking of things that might have been.

It is the end of Season 9. Once more we raise a rack of roast boar to honour the triumphant or our horns to drown the memory of failure… like a…a twenty something year old boy that has been told that his dancing at the nightclub looks like a crippled bat on ketamine being electrocuted… what, no that never happened to me… it was just a simile. Anyway, it is now a time where the possibilities are no longer endless. Cruel fate has made most losers and dashed their hopes. But there will be other times, and like a small child that has had its last sip of Kroxorade we can dream about our team’s next chance for glory.

For the last time, I have the privilege of being joined by my co-host the ghost of Ioan Mihaili former Ghoul of The Mourkain Kings. What highs, what lows. It was like a hula boy at a Glam Crab party.

The other teams have parties Verner?

Well, yes Ioan. Moving along now then to what everyone has been waiting for like a middle aged man pining for new figurines to be carved by his Grandmother Wendy…. the prizes!

Image The Wilkinson Sword: This award goes to the winner of the playoffs and what a final! Who would have thought that those plucky little environmental activists from Athel Loren would make it to the finals? And who would have thought that Scurf Flakes (â„¢) were actually the breakfast of champions?!

Our champs this season The Scurfs certainly took their pound of elven flesh. With 10 casualties including three deaths it was exactly the kind of the game our sick sadistic voyeurs at home love.

Image And The Mullet! A repeat of the first match of the season for The Nice Mice and Udder Chaos. Despite ending the match with no players on the pitch, The Cheese Eaters managed to squeak through!

Image Now a favourite among the great connoisseurs of the game favourite, Silky's Starfish.

This award goes to the player with the most SPPs this season.

Special mentions to Taylor Swift of Sheikh it Off and Myrgwyn of The Wild Hunters. Both sparkled on field with 9 touchdowns to Tay-Tay and 7 casualties 3 touchdowns, and an MVP for Myrgwyn. But the twinkliest them of all was Kayden Gront of the Hobblin Army, with 9 touchdowns, a completion and an MVP this Hobgoblin runner side-steps all over the pitch dodging, jumping, scooping and wrestling. Most impressive seeing as he has only one boot. I wonder what happened to it? Did he eat it do you think Iaon? Because you know….

Yes, yes Verner. We all know that after losing a bet you once you ate your own shoe… you’re a very principled man.

Image Now the Rampant Shag. This annoying bird was caught and stuffed by the Mercenaries of the Nightwing and given to Silky as a bizarre parting gift. The Shag goes to the player with the most TD's for the season. With it goes the accolade of being greeted with a hearty "alright Shagger" each time they arrive in the tavern.

A special mention goes to Brian the Blessed, of Ginger Thunder, who, with oiled and chiseled physique has no trouble scoring, unsurprisingly has no difficulty scoring (6 times this season). And Tay-Tay with a fearless 8 touchdowns almost took the shagger home. But again Kayden Gront of The Hoblin Army with 9 touchdowns jumped up past Tay Tay to score the most this season.

ImageThe Moby Dick award.

There is something about the legendary white whale. We are drawn to it but fear it at the same time. Much like auto-erotic asphyxiation…

No Verner, that’s just you…

And maybe Klaus Kinky too Ioan… but I digress. The White Whale is that beast the crowd burns for and the players fear. The player who curses so many other teams driving them to distraction with the issuing of savage beatdowns.

Dr Wow The Milka Cow of Udder Chaos earns an honourable mention. This bovine lothario wowed 6 players into the casualty box this season. In a strange quirk of fate third place goes to an unnamed Mercenary Bullgor joined The Udders for game one of the season to crush five Nice Mice before disappearing back into the night from whence he came.

But this year's Moby dick is… Scabby Surf of The Scurfs! Some say those scabs are actually just dried scurf flakes. He eats a whole box each morning for breakfast they say. And when I say ‘they say’ I mean I have been instructed to say by our sponsors Killhogs.

Image The Hand of Cod

This award is for the player with the most Completions in a season.

With the teams in the OSBBL more focussed on beating the snot out of each other than playing ‘the beautiful game’ Dyrrlinath and Yolathil of the WIld Hunters managed to take second and third cod with only 3 and two completions each.

But the Rat with dirty stinking hand, and many grateful female paramores, was Akatsuki. Though it was a brutal season for the Dirty Stinking Rat’s, taking 19 casualties in 9 games, Akatsuki, the DSR’s old hand, managed to survive another season and 5 completions taking the Hand of Cod.

Image The Orange Roughy Award

This award is for the foulest player in the league, the sadistic feeder of our Schadenfreude. That player who almost undoubtedly leaves the seat down when they take a piss in a public toilet cubicle.

A ‘dis’honourable mention goes to the Hoblin Army with four players in the top ten and taking second (the late Jase SIlco with 14 fouls) and third place (Dominic Garwocket with 11). But this season, with 24 fouls Itchy Scurf was the foulest of them all…. I wonder if Itchy can even piss high enough to get it into the toilet…. No wonder he’s so foul.

Image So Iaon, we have a new prize this year. Sponsored by everyone’s favourite anxiety feeding world wide warp based social media platform Metabo. And we would be all better if we could forget… ow!… Since when are you in the commentary box?...ok ok… I mean ‘don’t forget’.. you can access Metabo through your very own Alex Siri.

Well, anyway, the new prize is the Salty Sea Blowhole , or Shiofuku for our Nipponese viewers, for that player that could never control their excitement to get to the finish line. I would never have picked it based on his well oiled muscles and confident on pitch hip gyrations but Brian the Blessed took third place with 129 Rushing yards. Kayden Gront, despite being a rampant shagger, or maybe because of it was runner up for the Sea Blowhole with 149 rushing yards.

But the winner of the inaugural Salty Sea Blowhole is Taylor Swift with 161 rushing yards Tay Tay appears to be the eagerest beaver in the whole league.

Ok and now with the major prizes out our way we come to Silky's special award.

Image The award of a Chum bucket for services to Chum production

As all of you know the Chum fiasco haunted Silky in season 3 when the Stormfel launched a protest nationwide disrupting Shipping throughout the Isles.

Silky found a solution so now uses his cleaning services to reuse the dead players of the OSBBL giving them an honourable sea burial. How did you find the experience Ioan?

Well Verner, it is a bit strange viewing your body ground up and then fed to the sharks Verner. But it was something to be honoured in the same way as so many pf the past greats of our beloved game.

Glad to hear it Iaon, well, 22 corpses were produced this season so a little less Chum than last time but enough to placate the Stormfel. So the Services to Chum production goes to the team with the most corpses this season.

This season we have a tie! The Rum Rebellion and the inimitable Trout Mask Replica with both sent 4 bodies to be repurposed in the Chum Bucket. Let’s see how the Stormfel feel about rum infused seafood extender! And as is tradition here comes Cuddles to take the bucket.

What a season Ioan! New gladiators forging a legend and other being cut down before their time. I can only imagine the joy Jase Silco might have brought the fans had Wheezy not beat him to death with his own boot in game four. I will also dearly miss Glamina’s theatrics… hard to tumble with a smashed knee… well maybe just their dancing… their singing left something to be desired.

I hope you all have enjoyed the awards more than I have enjoyed being a corporate shill, but one must pay for their art somehow. Speaking of the divine inspiration we draw from our dreams, I hear that the Mascara Snake might be making a guest appearance at the Sucker Cup finals after party if recording on Brain Eno’s ‘Day of Radiation’ is completed. Well in either case, I hope to meet you all.. well maybe just some of you… to have a drink and enjoy the throbbing crackling shimmer of the Glam Crabs new witch house offering… Ioan, you should come. It might be your last chance to party in the material plane.

Well, you know Verner, since meeting you and hearing about your debauched escapades I have started to think may I should give it a g *poof* …

… Oh Ioan… ha … Katharina you trickster you, well played.. Just leave it to your black heart to stoke that fire and then snuff it out at the cruelest moment. I can’t wait to see you trick for next season.

Speaking of next season, I hear that the Mascara Snake’s fixer Mr Trickey https://fumbbl.com/~Trickey , is looking for teams for next season. Registration details can be found on the OSBBL part of FUMBBL’s world wide warp site https://fumbbl.com/p/group?op=view&group=15084 . Do you have what it takes to be the next Glamina Crayons?

In any case, good day to you all my dearest cutlery, and I your Verner say to you in the style of our beloved former host, stay weird.
Trickey



Joined: Oct 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Dec 11, 2022 - 04:15 Reply with quote Back to top

Simply stunning thank you for your time and love on this.
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