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Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Dec 16, 2020 - 03:19 Reply with quote Back to top

Death Watch Retch-ro-spective

Sixth by games played in the modern era are Styx and Warpstones, who would be phenomenal just considering the longevity of an Underworld team, but that's before you consider their record, a mainstay of the Conferences that has now managed to qualify for a third rampage in the Premiership. Seventh most damaging team since records begun, and trailing only Lab Rat Elysium for injuries sustained, it's a mystery how these lovable mutants haven't won the Glass Cannon Glass Cannon in every season it's been available.

Rarely does a week go by in the SWL when an Underworld Goblin doesn't die; on average there's only one game per season, all the way back to season 78, when there hasn't been at least one serious injury. But along with this rich lineage the S&W continue to innovate. This was the first season we ever saw an Underworld Troll die, Persephone shuffling off her mortal coil and taking 55 SPP with her, and not content with that, the very next week they sacrificed Pluto as well. Finding this to be a crowd-pleasing spectacle, Merc Underworld Troll 1 () turned up just to suffer a serious concussion, while all the time the crowd carried on jeering. (Cheering, surely?)

For a long time, opponents could point to the terrifying form of Salamoneous as a reason why they couldn't compete. That two-headed rat powerhouse met his end at the mighty hands of Gruff Wobbleboard a couple of seasons ago, but the Warpstones hardly even paused, promoting themselves up to the Conferences, and then winning the division named in honour of their blitzer before ascending to the Premiership again this season. We've already mentioned Impak and his fearsome 17 serious injuries, but that pales in comparison with the 31 that Salamoneous doled out - he even killed in his final game, although that was just a bit too much temptation for the Curse of the Death Watch. If he could have carried on a few more seasons, with no other blitzer to rival him in the team, it's not a question of if but when he would have gone past the 100 casualty mark. Perhaps the weight of all those prizes and all-star scrolls were what dragged him down in the end? Sit back and rest your eyes on all the players he killed:
Image Image Image Image Image Image

With that superstar laid to rest, there's other rats starting to make a name for themselves. We doubt Cronus will do as much work in the next season as ol' Salmon-ooze did over his career, but it will be fun watching.

It's also worth noting that the S&W only ever contributed a single omelette, in that bloodbath that deprived us of Salamoneous. But next season they're up against their potential nemesis, the Blue Mountain Giants. That's the only team to have injured the Underworld boys on four separate occasions. Will it be revenge? JPM needs to take the pain to the dwarfs to at least reach parity here...

Finally, fans of completism will note that Styx and Warpstones have given us a corpse of almost every shape and flavour now. The only thing missing is a dead Gutter Runner - will this be the season they finish off the roster, just in time for the impending rule changes? (Certainly if they need to in a few seasons' time, we doubt they'll have any problems supplying a dead snotling...)

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Joined: Oct 12, 2013

Post   Posted: Dec 16, 2020 - 11:05
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The SWL LXXXIV Team Achievements

Turns (1096): Skelligen Spoilers
Completions (16): Kingdom Decay (SWL)
TDs (15): Skelligen Spoilers
Cas (21): Bun Dead
SPP (125): Skelligen Spoilers
Passing yards (63): Sprinting Sprites
Rushing yards (273): Skelligen Spoilers
Blocks (324): Skelligen Spoilers
Fouls (33): Bony Boyz
Blocks/Cas (13): Bucharest Vampires
Pass/Cp (5.7): Aspley Boncos
Kills (?): ???

Turns (1182): Blue Mountain Giants
Completions (13): Bravado
TDs (15): Styx αnd Warpstones
Cas (32): Didgeridead
SPP (122): More Food for Thawt
Passing yards (36): Speeeeed Killzzzz
Rushing yards (259): Styx αnd Warpstones
Blocks (358): Flack Ork Flockers
Fouls (31): Real Fake Alternative Facts
Blocks/Cas (10.1): More Food for Thawt
Pass/Cp (5.6): More Food for Thawt
Kills (?): ???

Turns (1086): Crazy Beard Express
Completions (18): Amateur Professionals
TDs (14): Lab Rat Elysium
Cas (24): Crazy Beard Express
SPP (119): Amateur Professionals
Passing yards (118): Amateur Professionals
Rushing yards (265): Lab Rat Elysium
Blocks (403): Cold Rock
Fouls (34): Crazy Beard Express
Blocks/Cas (13.2): Crazy Beard Express
Pass/Cp (6.6): Amateur Professionals
Kills (?): ???

Image The Unofficial Maester Whippy Dean Douglas Sundae
Image Cah (Concussion Protocol) 25 spp

The SWL Season LXXXIV Awards

Image Image Yez The Smelly (Bony Boyz) 6 TDs
Image Image Semla (Bun Dead) & ImagePetero Civoniceva (Aspley Boncos) 7 cas
Image Image Yez The Smelly (Bony Boyz) & ImageWargut The Savage (Bony Boyz) 113 turns
Image Image Yez The Smelly (Bony Boyz) 141 rushing yards
Image Image Allan Langer (Aspley Boncos) 53 pass yards
Image Image Talion (Mutated Alliance) 6 fouls
Image Image Sammael Dreadblade (Spite and Malice) 71 blocks
Image Image Femme Fatale (Kingdom Decay (SWL)) 9 cps
Image Image Petero Civoniceva (Aspley Boncos) 5.43 block/cas
Image Image Allan Langer (Aspley Boncos) 6.63 pass/cp

Image Image Yez The Smelly (Bony Boyz) 22 SPP

Image Image Aeneas (Styx αnd Warpstones) 13 TDs
Image Image On Second Thawt (More Food for Thawt) 11 cas
Image Image Lollipop (Pugs Not Drugs) 114 turns
Image Image Torgan Silvermead (Blue Mountain Giants) 220 rushing yards
Image Image Time (Speeeeed Killzzzz) 29 pass yards
Image Image Tebec (vc) (Didgeridead) 24 fouls
Image Image Cronus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 84 blocks
Image Image Dodgy Service (Bravado) 9 cps
Image Image Khograkh Bronzeheart (Bronzed Raiders) 4.29 block/cas
Image Image Khangor (More Food for Thawt) 4.67 pass/cp

Image Image Aeneas (Styx αnd Warpstones) 40 SPP

Image Image Daddles Damfino (Lab Rat Elysium) 9 TDs
Image Image Kindra Voidrunner (Druchii Dynasty) 10 cas
Image Image Mobad Koketh (Cult of the Firedrake) & Image Dastur Tirnirmulfr (Cult of the Firedrake) 114 turns
Image Image Daddles Damfino (Lab Rat Elysium) 184 rushing yards
Image Image Dave Loveridge (Amateur Professionals) 114 pass yards
Image Image Blin (Crazy Beard Express) 27 fouls
Image Image Boysenberry Swirl (Cold Rock) 76 blocks
Image Image Dave Loveridge (Amateur Professionals) 17 cps
Image Image Staunch (Crazy Beard Express) 5.38 block/cas
Image Image Dave Loveridge (Amateur Professionals) 6.71 pass/cp

Image Image Kindra Voidrunner (Druchii Dynasty) 32 SPP

Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Dec 16, 2020 - 22:01 Reply with quote Back to top

Death Watch Retch-ro-spective

Seventh on the list are the Skye Hoppers!, the only Slann team to have played every season since SWL LXXI, and suffering at least one serious injury in 68 of those games. It probably would have been 69 if not for a scheduling issue at the tail end of SWL LXXXIV, when the Vermintide turned up at the Hoppers' stadium a day late, just as the frogs arrived at the Skaven home ground. Even then, the Hoppers 'enjoy' one of the worst serious casualty ratios, suffering 118 deaths and serious injuries while only giving out 47. That's serious You Can Take It But Can You Dish It Out Butter Dish territory...

In a world where it seems everyone is out to kill the frogs, from the owners of Armorical Football downwards, it's worth mentioning that the Hoppers have never taken an injury from the team that's constituted the biggest health risk in the SWL (it also helps that they've never played them). They have suffered 7 shoelace-related injuries in their time, and before the peanut gallery suggest that's because they jump too high, bear in mind that most frogs hurt themselves trying to run too far, not from getting too close to the sun.

With players recycling almost every season, it's been hard for the Hoppers to breed a big killer like Salamoneus. The best they have is Bombina Orientalis II with 6 injuries and kills, and he had to hurt a rotter twice in one match to get that far. On the other hand, they've managed to have one prestigious award named after them, the Gastrotheca Riobambae III Commemorative Squashed Freddo. A damaged confectionery might not be as good as a Twahnlow, but it's still something. And let's admit it: not everyone is obsessed with death and maiming; there's the poetry of seeing ancient amphibians sail through the air, propelled by their powerful legs.

Despite that lack of violence, the Hoppers have strangely still been afflicted by the Curse of the Death Watch, which just shows how unfair life can be:
Image Xenopus Laevis, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Image Lithobates Catesbeianus II, Block * 1 kill. Broken Ribs
Image Bombina Orientalis II, Block * 2 kills. Fractured Leg
Image Xenopus Laevis IIIII, Failed GFI * 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Image Xenopus Laevis IIIIII, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Skull
Image Xenopus Laevis IIIIII, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Skull
Image Leptobrachium Smithi IIIII, Foul * 1 kill. Damaged Back

Finally, one strange factoid for you - despite reproducing by laying some form of egg, and taking a lot of pain, the Hoppers have never yet qualified for an Omelette - there's never been a match with more than 5 players killed or seriously injured. Every kind of frog has died at least once though, along with some cheerful chappy they brought along with a saw once...

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Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Dec 17, 2020 - 00:02 Reply with quote Back to top

Death Watch Retch-ro-spective

Eighth by games played but definitely first by casualties inflicted, it's the won-the-Premiership-so-many-times-we've-given-up-counting Bronzed Raiders, the short legged, tall hatted horrors so many of us love to hate. With 120 injuries and kills inflicted, against only 61 suffered, they're just shy of being twice as dangerous to others as they are to themselves. (By which we mean the massive bronze-plated egos of some of those dwarfs are so big, it's a wonder they're not crushed beneath the weight.)

Since the terror days of Khorharr Ironhand there hasn't really been one Raider who encapsulates pain and death, but both he and Gharzth Bronzehelm have contributed three deaths apiece to the tally (just as dangerous as wearing shoelaces, it turns out). More recently, there's been talk that the Raiders are a spent force, no longer capable of killing as much as they used to. With three omelettes in their career (including this top ranking 8-egg effort) you'd think they had it cracked, but there's another Chorf team hot on their heels, having double-omeletted in SWL LXXXIV.

When you're the team to beat, you tend to get beaten up more, and in their most recent season the Raiders only managed 7 injuries for and 5 against, as younger, fresher teams made a bid for guts and glory. Maybe the Curse is weighing more heavily on them:

Image Khorharr Ironhand, Block * 1 kill. Damaged Back
Image Khorharr Ironhand, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Hand
Image Kharghaz Bronzebeard, Block * 1 kill. Broken Ribs
Image Kharghaz Bronzebeard, Block * 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Image Duniun Blackbeard, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Image Kharghaz Bronzebeard, Block * 1 kill. Groin Strain
Image Khorharr Ironhand, Block * 3 kills. Fractured Skull
Image Targ Bronzehammer, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Image Kharghaz Bronzebeard, Block * 2 kills. Smashed Collar Bone
Image Kezhan, Block * 1 kill. Broken Neck
Image Takharth Stoneheart, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Knee
Image Khograkh Bronzeheart, Foul * 1 kill. Pinched Nerve

And with a regretabbly small number of deaths themselves:
Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image
let's instead entertain ourselves by looking at all the players the Raiders have killed, and wonder how they've failed to harm a single goblin in all that time:
Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Dec 17, 2020 - 03:04 Reply with quote Back to top

Death Watch Retch-ro-spective

It's the Blue Mountain Giants who came onto the scene in SWL LXXIV and wasted no time, going from Regionals to winning the Premiership in three seasons. More importantly, they killed a player in their first game and didn't slow down much after that. Sixth for total serious injuries (92) with only 48 suffered, things look much worse when we only think about deaths, as the Giants have killed a paltry 24 players, while suffering 17 deaths themselves. Thick skulled they might be, but there's a lot of grudges these diminutive superstars have generated.

There's two teams the Giants are scared of; one is Pugs Not Drugs, who have killed two and injured three dwarfs, but have suffered two deaths and five injuries in return. The true nemesis of the Giants is of course the North Cape Crays, who killed two and injured two more dwarfs in a 12 casualty match the likes of which have rarely been seen. In a season where the Giants and Scoundrels missed playing each other, we can only dream at what two stunty-on-short-legged-man-thing contests would have looked like.

The Curse of the Death Watch has struck the Giants ten times:
Image Othel Ironaxe, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Image Durin Grimmhammer, Block * 1 kill. Broken Ribs
Image Lars Barrelpike, Block * 1 kill. Serious Concussion
Image Jordo Deeptunnel, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Image Sallam Ironflail, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Hand
Image Torvinn Orcslayer, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Image Flint Warmantle, Block * 2 kills. Damaged Back
Image Sallam Ironflail, Foul * 1 kill. Fractured Skull
Image Kullo Ironflagon, Block * 1 kill. Broken Neck
Image Kullo Ironflagon, Block * 1 kill. Pinched Nerve

... but the Curse is never that exact (there's no justice, after all, just us) so the Giant's biggest killer, Durin Grimmhammer, has got away with just broken ribs while dispatching five members of the opposition. That's in addition to injuring nine other players - maybe the Curse just got confused and distracted. After all, one bearded dwarf looks much the same as another (regardless of gender, or so they say in the mountains...)

The Giants haven't lost a runner yet, and haven't been daft enough to roster a Deathroller. Perhaps, with Big Chaos back in the Premiership again, we can see them fill out the roster in the forthcoming season:
Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Dec 17, 2020 - 03:25 Reply with quote Back to top

Death Watch Retch-ro-spective

Finally, closing out this seasonal celebration of slaying, we come to the dustiest team and also the second most violent, Didgeridead. With 116 serious injuries and deaths they come in just behind the Bronzed Raiders, who benefitted from playing one more season. However, the Raiders have been a little bit pillow fisted; the 'dead managed 39 kills vs a paltry 29 for the chorfs. Seven of those kills come from fouling, most of which are from the All Star boots of Tebec, a team captain who clearly believes in leading by example.

With no apothecary and brittle skeletons, you might think these Khemri would suffer a good few injuries, but regeneration has eliminated most of their chances of Death Watch appearances. Still, more than a quarter of their 19 deaths have been Tomb Guardians, whose constant decay suggests their coach should pay a bit more attention to the upkeep and repair of the big guys. Is anyone brave enough to tell Balle that?

Moolyarl remains the nastiest player on the team with six kills. It took a long time for the Curse to catch up with him, doing nothing worse than breaking one of his legs two seasons ago, in a tragic bit of mummy-on-mummy violence when Semla bashed into him.

Disappointingly, again the Didgeridead, despite their violent reputation, have only ever served up a single Omelette, not against a team of fragile stunties, but the Denizens of the Dreamlands, ten seasons ago. To be fair, they did break almost every bone in the body there (just not all in the same player). We're hoping for much more violence when they go up against Styx and Warpstones next season - already, the scribes of the Death Watch are predicting that will be a match for the ages. Sadly, the league commissioners trampled on the goblins' dreams, denying that the Khemri will be promoted this time around.

Without a lot of different positionals, it's been easy for this team to get the full set. We're hoping that if and when they get another jaunt in the Premiership, they might fill this list out with a few mangled Star Players too:
Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image

Thanks for tuning in to the Retch-ro-spective. There are other violent teams that have rampaged through the Southern Wastes, and perhaps before the end of time we'll pay attention to those ones too. Rumours of a best-of-beat-down, to be sponsored by Cabalvision and persuading the Rationalists to fight [adult swim], are sadly so far just rumours, no matter what the crayon-scrawled letters from Pinkeye Growthspurt might suggest.

Now with that out of the way, watch out for the latest All Star nominations, and those shiny Death Watch utensils!


Last edited by MrCushtie on Dec 17, 2020 - 17:42; edited 1 time in total

Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Dec 17, 2020 - 07:16 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch LXXXIV Week Seven

"Welcome back to our regular programming! Now the season is over, we've got just a few more corpses to check out before our fancy gala presentation of the biggest prizes in the Southern Wastes!

Image Hubris Rakarth, prescribed death by The Evil Doctor. Chaos Beastman, 8 SPP.

Image Eunoe, infected by the boot of Germ. Underworld Goblin , 2 SPP.
"Eunoe? More like oh no!"

Image Eurynomos, left anonymous by Abhorrence. Underworld Lineman, 19 SPP.

Image Lorraine Broughton, won't ever be introduced to royalty after meeting The Duchess. Amazon Blitzer, 15 SPP.
"Serves her right, waltzing in here with such a stupid name! Who does she think she is, an Amateur Professional?"

Image Fredrick Fastbone, quickly deboned by Eanuk Flamecaller. Chaos Beastman, 0 SPP. "It's a shame, Fredrick was such a kind person off the pitch. People say a lot of terrible things about Beastmen, but he didn't have a bad bone in his body."
"Doesn't have any bones in his body at all, Jim."
"Well, I suppose they do say you should leave it all out on the field."

Image Véþorn Skarpheðinnson, had a few spelling corrections from Wargut The Savage. Norse Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Eloise Jones, now just meat and bones by Isilvar. Amazon Linewoman, 4 SPP.
"Not one, but two joke names in one week? What's going on?"

Image Hazhek Copperfist, permanently tarnished by Ogingi. Chaos Dwarf Blocker, 43 SPP.
"Put him on the big pile of players with Guard that deserve to die, and let's say no more, Bob."

Image Abhainn Avallach Jr, truespiked by Evander Truespike. Dark Elf Blitzer, 0 SPP.
"There's something about players called Avallach, isn't there? Like an avalanche of dead knife ears..."

Image Zachary Quickbone, forced out by Darth Vader. Norse Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Fastbone, Quickbone, so many bones today..."

Image Boba, pulled a vanishing act after being hit by Hubert. Lizardman Chameleon Skink, 0 SPP.
"I've always said I can't see the point of chameleons..."
"That is the point, you boneheaded imbecile!"

Image Vyn Phoenix, never rising again from the flames after a hit by Bruiser. Dark Elf Lineman, 1 SPP.

And with that, the season came to a spluttering end, just two deaths short of the century. It's been a pretty damaging season for a lot of players - while we've had higher total casualty counts before, players seem to have been desperate this time around to win fame and fortune... by showing up in the Death Watch. These crazy kids.

Before we dole out the prizes, let's take a quick look at all the claims the Curse of the Death Watch made this week:
Image Brad, the Barkeep, Failed dodge * 3 kills. Serious Concussion
Image Eurynomos, Block * 2 kills. Dead
Image Floyd Da Fridge, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Ankle
Image Khograkh Bronzeheart, Foul * 1 kill. Pinched Nerve

And now, what everyone's been waiting for, the main attraction, it's the glittering prizes of the Death Watch (and certainly not just a bunch of random crockery liberated from Ladyshape Grumbleflick's kitchen...

The You Can Dish It Out But Can You Take It Butter Dish goes to Didgeridead with a exceptional 18 casualties caused, and only 7 casualties received.

You Can Take It But Can You Dish It Out Butter Dish was almost lost by the Blackwater Cockfighters when they upped their hitting power in the last game of the season, but by a whisker the Norsemen win this trophy: 15 casualties suffered, 4 caused.

The Delicately My Dear Kid Gloves are awarded to the Harlequins, in place of the Butter Dish, for suffering 12 casualties and only providing us with two.

But in total ignominy, the Massively Patronising "It's Called Blood Bowl For A Reason!" Bowl goes to Speeeeed Killzzzz for failing to hurt a single opponent this season.

The You Can't Make An Omelette Without Breaking A Few Eggs Omelette, which looks surprisingly like just a carton of eggs and not something that's been properly cooked, normally shared, but today, for the first time ever, is awarded to a single team, with the Gorgoth Heavies supplying two six person omelettes in a single season!

The Glass Cannon Glass Cannon should have gone to those chorfs with their 12-14 record, but as the Heavies got the more prestigious Omelette, instead we're giving it to the Blood Crag Stripes as with a 12-6 record, only two other prize winners did more damage and took more casualties

The Gastrotheca Riobambae III Commemorative Squashed Freddo goes to Kuzco for three injuries sustained this season. Yes, we know he managed to get two in the last week to steal this prize from more 'deserving' players, but everyone else is on only two, so tough! Give that Rotter a hand ... to replace the one that just fell off.

Finally, with an epic drum roll, we present the Chamberpot of Terrifying Doom to Crash Blind for four kills and three serious injuries. Don't let that lizard get cocky though, if it wasn't for a recent ruling about inanimate objects, Shoelaces would have beaten him to the punch by fifteen injuries (or the fans, who permanently removed 6 players this season)

And, coming in appropriately late after we'd presented the main awards:

Sprinting Sprites deservedly take the What Took You So Long? Casio Watch for waiting until week 7 to kill anyone. We knew you'd get there eventually!


Joined: Aug 01, 2015

Post   Posted: Dec 17, 2020 - 17:05 Reply with quote Back to top

Crash Blind lumbers to the stage to accept the Chamberpot and the Cannon

"Thankssss. More deathsss coming next ssseason!"

Joined: Oct 12, 2013

Post   Posted: Jan 23, 2021 - 11:08
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This season's All Star presentation was a calm affair, compared to the last three seasons, beset with snakemen, rioting imaginary ratmen and foul goblins. The warpstone-fuelled prognosticators of Clan Betfarrr had apparently lost all Skavenblight's monetary reserves on an ill-fated wager that the Lab Rat Elysium would repeat their Premiership win, and as a result sewer-funded discontent was at an all time low.

Celebrating the season of niceness, Socrates and Pinkeye Growthspurt delivered a commemorative bouquet to the Amateur Professionals, on behalf of the rest of the league. Some kind of miscommunication meant the bouquet consisted entirely of rotten fruit and wilted flowers, and a large rock inscribed with the words "Stu Wilson", hastily painted over with a scrawl that appears to read "Frod Weedman".

An All Star presentation wouldn't be complete without some kind of massive hullabaloo, and reliably the celebrations eventually deteriorated into a mob of Nurgle and Chaos players shouting at the elves about how they'd better learn to hit and forget about passing the ball around the backfill, while the pointy eared ones jeered back that nobody's claws were looking sharp any more. The town guard broke things up at eleven, players retiring for a night in the cells.

ImageAll-Stars Season LXXXIVImage

More Food For Thawt has won their second silver trophy in Tinkerbell conference, and On Second Thawt was clearly the driving force behind the wins. Seen chewing on Ogres (and cleaning his teeth with snotlings), Elves, Orcs, Dwarfs, and even tried a couple Tomb Guardians before spitting them out for being so dusty. He took a few hits and some boots along the way, but kept on getting up and into the thick of it, tying up threats to his team, holding onto players trying to score, and almost always giving the squad a numbers advantage along the way. Sure, the rest of his team is agile enough to throw around winning passes, but he's the player getting them the ball and the space to work with it, and the fearsome casualty count along the way confirms that no-fear full contact play from him. What a monster.

Staunch by name, staunch by nature, the short legged stunty with a heart of bronze didn't miss a game all season, while making three other players fail to lace up their boots the week they met him. A 37.5% serious injury:casualty ratio meant the big fisted little lad is the kind of person you don't want to bump into (or trip over) in a dark alleyway. This top-hatted terroriser of the Premiership lines up on the line of scrimmage for the All Stars despite the Crazy Beard Express getting a ticket for the Conferences this year - will he be driving the pain train back into the Premiership for season LXXXVI?

Reputedly stinkier than any of the Bloaters in the Southern Wastes, Yez The Smelly has the 'aroma of greatness' according to the All Stars selection committee. We dread to think what that means, but Yez's rank stench is probably body odour generated by exerting himself so hard. You don't score as many touchdowns as the fragrant fella without working up a bit of a sweat, and leading the Regionals with 141 yards of rushing, this big-hearted Bony Boy was an obvious choice for a scroll.

Coming into this season, the Dynasty's blitzer, Mornelith Falconbane, had been tipped for an scroll, but a combination of him dying, and then retrospectively banned for clearly being an ogre with some pointy ears glued on, left a gap for a Dark Elf to take a place in the All Stars. And who better than Kindra Voidrunner, angriest lady in the Southern Wastes at the moment (that's saying something, with two teams of Amazons rampaging around)? Ms Voidrunner collected the most SPP of any player in the Premiership this season, mostly by hurting people. We heard she prefers a hit below the belt (players with fractured legs, a smashed knee and season tickets to the cemetery will attest) but when we tried to confirm it with her, she threatened us with 'the Naggarond Groin Strain' so that will remain unconfirmed.

Ninety-five games in, Impak is now the Grand Old Orc of the All Stars, a wise and respected fellow that the other ten players look up to, and certainly don't jeer at him for being a punch-drunk lump who likes to thump. Despite innumerable rewards, Impak doesn't believe in shouting about his biography, instead keeping his achievements quiet, letting his reputation speak for him. That, or his mouth has been wired shut. In addition to exemplary ball carrying skills, Impak still likes hurting people, and doesn't discriminate between the small (Wuddleschmoopie's leg), the medium sized (Torduken), or the very big (Kurgowallah, Impak's seventh kill of his glittering career). The question now is whether Impak can hold on to usurp François Englert's record for most SPP in the SWL ever, or if there's an orc-shaped burn mark on the pitch from a fireball in the very near future...

Cronus is a talent to fear in the SWL, devouring his opponents with 12 blocks per game average, he developed horns midway into the season to make his team unbeatable. Player removal turn after turn opening the smallest of gaps at any angle for fellow all-star Aeneus to finish with another score, and he proved more than capable of scoring on his own whenever the need arose. A couple of frogs to pad the stats along the way, but not every player can so calmly gobble up the wee ones as Cronus.

A third all-star scroll for Dave Loveridge hot on the heels of his second. We'd tipped him for trouble when he met the Dynasty's AG5 ogre last season, but a vicious lizard put an end to the threat for Loveridge, leaving him free to sling balls with further aplomb as the Professionals romped to their first Premiership title. Just as last season, Loveridge threw the ball 17 times, although the reduced yardage compared to last season made naysayers suggest that strong arm is withering a little. Was that criticism too much for the pointy-eared egomaniac to bear, forcing him to retire from the game? Whatever - after a valedictory All Star appearance, the elf with a silly name wanders off to a well-deserved retirement, viewing his stack of twahnlows.

Another double-All Star, Daddles Damfino might have one hip made of warpstone and barbed wire, but both his feet are golden, demonstrated by his superlative sprinting in all the games he managed to make it to the pitch. It's quite possible he didn't bother turning up for the Lab Rat's final game of the season because he knew he'd already rushed more yards and scored more TDs than any other player in the Premiership. Despite this selfishness probably contributing to the rats failing to retain the Premiership title, he's been allowed to remain in the squad (and in the All Stars) - possibly a dangerous example for other rats who may also believe they will always have a place on the roster.

Aeneus had another amazing season in conferences, building on his famed foundations to carry the team, growing an extra head and getting a sprint to his step to let him waltz through the smallest gaps the long way 'round, and even took a good few hits protecting his team's position along the way. Gutter runners come and go, but when there's only one on the team, you can back them to score a good few and Aeneus did not disappoint with a near-record thirteen!

Clocking up 220 rushing yards this season, Torgan Silvermead has occasionally been compared to the dark elf sprinter, F'rrest G'mp. But although in his own famous words, G'mp "ran and ran and then one day I stopped", the curiously agile Silvermead shows no signs of slowing down. Any normal player might consider putting their feet up after running more than 1000 yards in their career, but Torgan clearly has his sights set on reaching a mile of rushing before retiring. Or possibly getting gangfouled to death if he ever trips up.

We know chorfs love bronze, but they were probably still very happy with the pair of golden boots that Blin brought home this season. Although yet to cause a serious injury this year, and thus missing the watchful eye of the Death Watch scribes, Blin did an astonishing 27 fouls in the first 7 games of his career - that's 3.86 fouls per game. Still, Pinkeye, Arethusa and Tebec can all tell the foul hobgoblin that the All Stars have big boots to fill - will he make it through another season alive, or will it be the bin for Blin in SWL LXXXV?

LXXXIV All Stars
On Second Thawt, More Food for Thawt
Staunch, Crazy Beard Express
Yez The Smelly, Bony Boyz
Kindra Voidrunner, Druchii Dynasty
Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins
Cronus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Dave Loveridge, Amateur Professionals
Daddles Damfino, Lab Rat Elysium
Aeneas, Styx αnd Warpstones
Torgan Silvermead, Blue Mountain Giants
Blin, Crazy Beard Express

LXXXIV Prem Stars
Kindra Voidrunner, Druchii Dynasty
Daddles Damfino, Lab Rat Elysium
Felix, Federated Fowlers
Waffle, Cold Rock
Dave Loveridge, Amateur Professionals
Staunch, Crazy Beard Express
Fred Woodman, Amateur Professionals
Boysenberry Swirl, Cold Rock
Blin, Crazy Beard Express
Dastur Tirnirmulfr, Cult of the Firedrake
Vilgorgun, Hаrlequins

LXXXIV Conference Stars
Aeneas, Styx αnd Warpstones
Torgan Silvermead, Blue Mountain Giants
Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins
Murlurk, Big Boys Don't Block
Time, Speeeeed Killzzzz
On Second Thawt, More Food for Thawt
Khograkh Bronzeheart, Bronzed Raiders
Cronus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Tebec, Didgeridead
Lollipop, Pugs Not Drugs
Crash Blind, Blood Crag Stripes

LXXXIV Rising Stars
Yez The Smelly, Bony Boyz
Shokupan, Bun Dead
Ráðormr Jófreiðrson, Skelligen Spoilers
Hurien the Shade, Spite and Malice
Allan Langer, Aspley Boncos
Semla, Bun Dead
Petero Civoniceva, Aspley Boncos
Sammael Dreadblade, Spite and Malice
Talion, Mutated Alliance
Wargut The Savage, Bony Boyz
Galti Ásgeirrson, Skelligen Spoilers

Note: The All Stars committee is a group effort. Currently numbering 6 members who played a part in the selection and (all MrC) fluffmanship.

Joined: Apr 23, 2016

Post   Posted: Jan 24, 2021 - 19:08 Reply with quote Back to top

The Harlequins had a brief and disappointing stint in the Southern Wastes League Premier Division. Despite finishing bottom, they received large amounts of funds from Channel BB.

The management team decided that if they were to be successful in SWL in the future, they needed a stadium. The players, most of whom had left their previous lives and discarded their elven heritage, donning the Harlequin mask to hide their identity, were anxious about being chained to one place for too long.

A compromise was reached.

A super top was built, and the Harlequins rebranded.

So come one, come all. Be dazzled by amazing feats of agility. Be amazed as the players speed past. Be thrilled as the ball flies through the air.

Welcome to the Harlequin Circus.


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jan 26, 2021 - 05:43 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch LXXXV Week One

"Weak one? Too right it's weak! Where's all the death?"
"Now now, Bob. You can't start every season with 21 deaths."
"Why not?"
"Well, we'd run out of players, for a start. Just be thankful for what you have got."
"And what's that?"
"Well, a reasonably sized pile of bodies for the first week of the season..."

Most appropriate death of the week
Image Time, clocked out forever by Cronus. High Elf Thrower, 10 SPP.
"When the big hand points to the pointy ear ... it's death o'clock!"
"Er... where did you learn to tell the time, Bob?"

Image Camaro Jr, in need of a tune-up after a block by Cronus. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Bang! That's a strong one-two by Cronus! Doubling his kills already compared to last season, and justifying his All Star scroll."
"Yep. Feeling better now, Bob?"
"Certainly am. Good to see some proper violence on the pitch again!"

Image Prug, didn't like the taste of Amanita Nightshade. Ogre Snotling, 3 SPP.
"Ahem. Once again, Blood Bowl proves the little guy has a chance to ..."

Image Eddar Hearthfire, looking like a bulldog sucking a Lemon. Dwarf Blocker, 16 SPP.
"Isn't it a bulldog chewing a wasp, Bob?"
"Whatever your idiom is, I think you'll find it's dire for Hearthfire!"

Image Albert Anderson, made to go by Sure-Fire Glo. High Elf Lineman, 31 SPP.
"There you are, Jim. I was saying all of last season that we can't have these joke names ruined the solemnity of the Beautiful Game."
"Why are you talking about bar billiards?"
"No, Armorical Football! What sort of name is Albert Anderson?"
"Er ... wasn't he a designer of flatpack Norse furniture?"

Image Woogleface, defaced by Big T. Ogre Snotling, 3 SPP.
"That's two little guys killed in one week. It's pretty bad when you can't be half the strength of a goblin and not make it to the end of the match without a monster picking on you."
"Does this one make you feel life's better, then?"

Image Klorg, blocked by Big T. Ogre Ogre, 0 SPP.
"Well, I'm a bit happier, Jim, but it's not like anything rhymes with 'Klorg'."
"-asbord of death, Bob! Ahahahahaha."
"Is that why I write the jokes?"
"You can write?"

Image Giles, reduced to piles (of rotten meat) by Detestation. Human Thrower, 51 SPP.
"The biggest hit of the week, we'll be bidding a fond farewell to Giles."
"I'm sure we'll see him again soon. Redgum's lost two rotters per season."
"Why doesn't he just sniff them out?"

Image Lucian James, consigned to the flames by Matthew Jude. Old World Alliance Lineman, 0 SPP.
"You see, Jim! This is what happens! We let those 'Professionals' put some joke names on their roster, and now the whole Regionals is full of it. Disgraceful!"
"Relax, Bob. I'm sure nobody is giving themselves a stupid name and then refusing the apothecary just to annoy you."
"I wouldn't put it past them..."

Image Genorat Ruatomin, went surfing, lost at sea. Elf Catcher, 19 SPP.
"Oh, now what, Bob? First you complain about humans with stupid names, now you can't think of anything to say about an elf with an unpronounceable name? Are you ever satisfied?"
"Yes, Jim."
"When I get to read out the Curse of the Death Watch."
"Why did I even ask?"

Image Tyzusk The Wreckage, 4 kills. Smashed Knee
Image Golem Pokémon, 2 kills. Smashed Hip
Image Wilford B. Wolf, 1 kill. Smashed Hip
Image Borrl, 2 kills. Smashed Hip
Image Giles, 1 kill. Dead
Image Felix, 1 kill. Gouged Eye

This week, the Curse mostly likes players walking funny. What do you think it will do next week?

Omelette Watch
One big punch up this week, between two Premiership winners. Only five serious injuries, but what do we call that? A good start!

And, as we bid farewell to an uncharacteristically splenetic Bob this week, cast your eyes over this mass of bust and broken players:

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Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Feb 02, 2021 - 19:34 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch LXXXV Week Two - Rookiepalooza!

Welcome back to another fun packed installment of the show that all the cool kids are calling Shizzle Wizzle Lizzle Dizzle Wizzle! Yes, it's the return of the show that nobody returns from - the Death Watch!

Image Evander Hoteagle, no chuckles about the marathon of pain inflicted by Snickers. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Rilore Zunneh, Block by Loathing. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image George Dirtybone, cleaned up, chewed up and spat out by Hancock the Lion. Vampire Thrall, 0 SPP.
"Impressively, Dirtybone's career ended without playing a single turn. Did he ever really exist?"

Image Sail Glass, shattered into a million tiny pieces by Raklah. Lizardman Skink, 0 SPP.
"Speaking of natural one turners, Raklah came on, put his boot into Sail Glass, and then left immediately afterwards. We call that a 100% success rate."

Image Arob Elfstealer, died flying into the pitch. Orc Goblin, 0 SPP.
"In the new rules, would that have meant casualty SPP for Happy Dancer?"

Image Glush Skeletonsmasher, had a smashing time surfing, never came back. Orc Goblin, 0 SPP.

Image Gene, reduced to nothing but DNA by the fearsomely hard to pronounce Þorgautr Ánison. Human Blitzer, 5 SPP.

Image Richard Deephawk, sent deep deep underground by Harad Kingsmead. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Freddy Fast Fingers, sliced up by Queen of Blades. Orc Goblin , 4 SPP.
"I've always said you should watch your fingers around blades, Jim!"

Spot the difference section
Image Darkwind K'sheyna, blown into a small pine casket by Large Woodie. Dark Elf Blitzer, 6 SPP.

Image Alytes Obstetricans IIII, needs a mortician, not an obstetrician after failing to jump over his own shoelaces. Slann Blitzer, 19 SPP.

"Hmm. It's just like those arrogant dark elves and frogs to crash Rookie Week. For shame! For shame!"
"Hopefully other players come to give us the benefit of their experience next week. Until then, here's the Curse of the Death Watch report. Which is also suspiciously short..."

Image Prince Moranian, 1 kill. Smashed Collar Bone
Image Wargut The Savage, 1 kill. Fractured Skull


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Feb 10, 2021 - 08:10 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch Season LXXXV Week Three

"Rushing towards the middle of what might be the final season under the current rules, we've had a disappointing start to the season, but it's starting to warm up there."

You're not as tall as we expected department
Image Gruff Wobbleboard, less than daft after a hit from Faft. Chaos Chaos Warrior, 5 SPP.

Image Kiroth Krakeneye, weeping blood from both eyes by Bloof. Chaos Beastman, 7 SPP.
"Isn't 'bloof' the sound that ersatz elf made when he hit the pitch?"

Image Condir Steelhearth, went surfing, never came back. Dwarf Blocker, 0 SPP.

Image Albert Dirtybrook, cleaned up by Kili Fireforge. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Ug, turned into a slug by Baguette. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.
"Takes me back to my days in Bretonnia. Eating a crusty bit of bread, using an onion so I could pretend I was crying about a dead snotling..."

Image Juan Bredin, debreaded by Breadstick. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.
"Bredin, bread out. There's nothing as glamourous as a skeleton fouling a journeyman snotling to death, is there?"

Image Rob Zombie, completely cured by The Evil Doctor. Necromantic Zombie, 0 SPP.
"There's no place for 90's heavy metal in a serious sport like this, Jim."
"Well, there's one zombie-shaped hole in the We'reWho! line up that will fit, Bob..."

Image Red Clawpuncher, red by name, dead by nature after a hit by Kronekig. Skaven Rat Ogre, 8 SPP.

Image Paddy Melonmuncher, nothing much a lot of squashed red flesh and a mess of juice after being hit by Calvin Hammerman. Skaven Gutter Runner, 1 SPP.

Image Bilby Bob Thornton, talking funny, walking funny after running into Kronekig. Skaven Lineman, 4 SPP.

Image Tessa Toe-snack, blown up by Grot Bomma. Snotling, 0 SPP.
"One for gifmas - that bomb bounced around like a hot potato until it landed on Tessa's head."

Image Zachary Palerock, white as a sheet after being run over by Uncle Bogi's Mean Machine. Elf Lineman, 1 SPP.

Image Karak Sepulchre, proving he had the most appropriate name of the week by Julius Strongorc. Wood Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Bind Soul, straight into a hole, not able to do even a single drool after the sleazy tentacles of Withergrasp Doubledrool got a grip of him. Lizardman Skink, 66 SPP.
"That's the first time a Star Player has killed anyone since Max Spleenripper sawed up a hobgoblin last season."

Image Fil A Frog, shortly to be filling a bog instead after a hit by Marrakhi Daemonfire. Orc Lineman, 12 SPP.

Image Fony, skinny and bony from working on the Thardrakk Coalface. Orc Lineman, 7 SPP.

Curse of the Death Watch
Image Lemon, 2 kills. Broken Jaw
Image Ferrari, kill. Broken Neck
Image Bombina Orientalis III, 1 kill. Broken Neck
Image Snow Scare, 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Image Darth Vader, 1 kill. Fractured Leg
Image Bhar'kh, 1 kill. Pinched Nerve
Image Raklah, 1 kill. Fractured Skull

Omelette Watch
The Really Fat Alternate Farts and Concession Proctologist delivered us 7 this week, but with only 2 deaths and a bunch of MNGs, we could do a lot better... OK, let's just line up the broken bodies and then get ready for next week

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Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Feb 19, 2021 - 05:51 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch Season LXXXV Week Four

"Welcome back, one and all, to another week of massive death and destruction, no-longer-live from the Southern Wastes! Here in the studio we have Jim and Bob, and a veritable smorgasbord of smashed up players for you to laugh and cry over. Once they were glorious, soon they'll just be humus!"
"I thought they made that out of chickpeas."
"Bob, don't ruin my flow! We've got a lot of high class players to get through tonight, starting with..."

Image Goldberg, returned to the gold standard by Pongy Baconbroth. Chaos Beastman, 0 SPP.
"Jim, I'm not sure that a rookie Beastman is the kind of high class player our viewers are waiting to laugh at."
"Never mind, Bob, because next we have -"

Image Bracs, in a state of collapse after tripping over his own shoelaces. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.
"Well ok, the first two aren't that impressive, but the next thing in the box is -"

Image Zasku, totally askew after landing in the pitch. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.
"So far this week's grand haul has been a total of 2 SPP. Pretty good going for three bodies. Where's the beef, Jim?"

Image John Drake, we thought he sounded like a duck but he croaked on a mouthful of Viennetta. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
That's it, Jim. We've already had Rookie week, we don't need some elves with obviously made up names to go alongside all these other inexperienced players. Can you hurry up and find a good looking corpse?"
"Settle down Bob, the next one is a right cracker, it's:"

Image Nut height Neddy, cut down to size by Beau-reavement. Snotling, 3 SPP.
"What does that even mean, Jim? You can hardly be 'cut down to size' if you're not taller than a midget Halfling to begin with. And if you think that a snotling whose second biggest achievement was to once score a touchdown is worth tuning in for, then you've got another thing coming. What happened to the days when it meant something to appear on the Death Watch?"
"Hang on, what's that sound? Why is there confetti falling from the ceiling?"
"I don't know Bob - it sounds like -"

"Image Torgan Silvermead, timed out by Cronus. Dwarf Runner, 223 SPP.

"The unkillable Torgan, dead? And it was only last week I was reading in the Retchrospective: 'The Giants haven't lost a runner yet'."
"I guess it was time to start."
"Well, he never made it to a mile of rushing. But that little bearded bloke was Mr Consistency: all star in 78, 81, 83, 84."
"He skipped a beat here and there when it came to the All-Stars - a bit like his heart."
"Well, he may have died, but at least his team triumphed - it's like when Salamoneus died, it was a pyrrhic victory, but a victory nonetheless."
"Er, did you see the match? The Giants went down 2-0..."
"Oh. That's a pyrrhic defeat, I guess..."

Image Hegetoria, knocked through a hedge by Kirin Trollreaver. Underworld Goblin , 7 SPP.
"You know, somehow a single sneaky git doesn't seem quite a fair exchange for the most agile dwarf in the league..."

Image Mhuomu, went surfing. Chaos Dwarf Hobgoblin, 0 SPP.
"I see we're back to the deep end of the talent pool again, then?"

Image Sordid, sent too far son, by Úlfar Úlfarson. Human Blitzer, 13 SPP.
"Sordid by name, died being blocked by a Norseman wearing a mankini and two nipple rings."
"What's so sordid about that? You've just described a Friday night in Trondheim."
"My point exactly!"

Image Parting was such sweet Sorrow gave up on Blood Bowl for a career surfing. Human Lineman, 16 SPP.
"Now Sorrow is somebody I feel sad about."

Now we've got the Curse of the Death Watch to review, and a big list of damaged players, but hang around for some big big news at the end!

Image Dudette Love, 2 kills. Broken Jaw
Image Corpse, 1 kill. Smashed Hip
Image Sordid, 1 kill. Dead

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The end of an era in the Southern Wastes is fast approaching, but before the new rules begin, Underworld Armour and Orcidas have agreed to sponsor some expert Necromancers to resurrect all your favourite players who've died since SWL LXX!, for an exhibition tournament. The draft will be opening up just as soon as we have three more weeks of dead players, and then get ready for some of the greatest zombies ever to walk on the pitch. Wait for more news on the draft, coming next week!


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Feb 23, 2021 - 19:53 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch Season LXXXV Week Five

"Another quiet week in the Southern Wastes, punctuated by the shouting of crowds and the occasional snapping of a femur here and there. Brace yourselves for a quick burst of brutality:"

Image Helena, the Mixologist, crushed by Big T. Norse Lineman, 0 SPP.
"They're shaking her, but she's not stirring..."

Image Dan Eliasson, smashed by Crash Blind. Dark Elf Lineman, 6 SPP.
"Eliasson is gone gone gone. That was a great match for anyone who likes death, injury, and elfball. All that was missing was a few Stu Wilsons...

Image Cracker, broken into a thousand tiny pieces by Moose Tracks. Necromantic Wight, 42 SPP.
"Question is, would you kick Moose Tracks out of bed for eating crackers?"
"Bob, I don't think it's wise to sleep next to a giant lizard, whether it's getting crumbs everywhere or not."

You again? Award
Image (), buttered by Croissant. Ogre Ogre, 0 SPP.
"Sorry to see a player with as storied a history as () die."
"That's the ninth time that () has died on the pitch, as an orc, a yeti, a halfling, a chorf, a beastman, a norseman, a giant rat and another orc. He must have a sponsorship deal from a necromantic fancy dress shop."

Image Herbad Shrin, hit by Giles. Lizardman Skink, 0 SPP.
"So Shrin the Skink had to shrink?

You again? Again? Award
Image Giles, turned into piles (of filth) by Mobad Namimdigr. Nurgle Rotter, 2 SPP.
"Glorious to see the Curse of the Death Watch operating in record time today. Giles was well on the way to relearning all the skills he used to have as a thrower in his past life, starting with that hit on a Skink.

Image Pustule, burst by Mobad Duindudr. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.
[i]"How do you say that lizard's name again?"
"Doing doo Doctor, right?"
"Well he did do doctoring on Pustule's doo-doo, that's for sure!"
"Can you say that three times fast?"
"Why on earth would I want to?"

This week's Star Prize
Image Vilgorgun, vile and gone, more like, after a hit by Sammael Dreadblade. Elf Catcher, 92 SPP.
"I'm reading her bio... It says here 'She is a real all rounder'"
"Yeah, spread all round the pitch, they meant!"
"Well, I'm sure she'll make some coach happy in the Graveyard Shift in a few weeks - who wouldn't want a blodge sidestep Guard zombie?"
"... I think the Harlequins might prefer a blodge sidestep Guard elf..."

With another short week of fatal injuries, let's check up on the Curse of the Death Watch, then see if the queue for the apothecary has got any longer or not...

Image Cracker, Blocked, 1 kill. Dead
Image Tyzusk The Wreckage, Blocked, 4 kills. Damaged Back
Image On Second Thawt, Blocked, 7 kills. Broken Neck
Image Úlfar Úlfarson, Fouled, 1 kill. Broken Neck
Image Felix, Hit by a rock, 1 kill. Fractured Arm
Image Giles, Blocked, 1 kill. Dead

Wow. A first serious injury for the big cow. Everyone will be happy to hear he'll be back and ready for the end of the season celebration. We're hoping he can get to 10 kills by the time the season is up!

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And if you're looking for something to prioritise, here's the remaining players that haven't died since SWL LXXI:
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