RicardoGrande
Joined: Nov 18, 2021
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  Posted:
Mar 05, 2024 - 11:16 |
 
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Hello cutlery! Once again it is I, Verner Hishog. After various scheduling conflicts I am back with the awards for yet another season of humid blood bowl. As per usual I have been waylaid by my hectic filming schedule… you should really see my new forthcoming documentary …. It is about different attitudes to nose picking across our great world… We all know how snotlings feel about it … But how do you feel? Do you do it? Of course you do! But do you do it publicly? … But, as I often do, I digress… I was about to apologise that my filming schedlue has distracted me from introducing the teams this season so now I shall do so.
And now, as is the cruel and unusual tradition of OSBBL, I am joined, for the first and last time, by the ghost of the last player to die during the previous season: zombie Lineman Jude Sheena of the legendary Mourkain Kings.
Well Jude, tell me how does it feel to die a second time?
uUGHGHGughghughhHHhh…
Yes, the enormity of their flat brain. The enormity of their stupidity is just overwhelming. You have to do yourself a favour. When you are out at the blood bowl pitch and you see a zombie. Try to look a zombie in the eye with great intensity. And the intensity of stupidity that is looking back at you is just amazing.
uguhguuguhuguuuUHUHGHugh
Yes no offense meant Jude, you were of course a world class athlete. Well, what a season! After the wild commercial success of season X, The Mascara Snake reinvested funds from our Killhogs sponsorship to entice some of the all time great teams to return to the OSBBL for one more season. The one and only Troutmask Replica, Slaaneshi Thunder, the DSR team B, The Wydrioth Wild Hunters to name just a few. Sadly due to illness OSBBL stalwarts, and current Blender holders, The Cheese Eating Blender Monkees took some time away from the field. Our thoughts and prayers are with these legendary mice and their well loved coach Mr. Cushtie. I wish them a speedy recovery…. Speaking of teams not playing this season, after their win in Sucker Cup X, I was hoping the Mourkain Kings might return again for season XI, but alas, our heroes also need rest. Do you have any insights into The Kings’ management’s decision not to return this season Jude?
UGUghghGUuguUhghug
I see. Well, speaking of The Kings, I shall endeavor to give you a run down of the going ons in The Mourkain Kings Conference.
Wydrioth Wild Hunters
After a disappointing season X, everyone’s favourite Ishan animal rights activists ‘The Hunters’ came back. The Hunters performed magnificently this season, finishing top of their conference and making it all the way to the final. I would really love to interview their coach: the elusive Arthur Wynne. I wonder what he does to whip The Hunters into shape? Non-alcoholic beer? Stick beating? Headpulls? Strobe-light glasses? Gummi worms?
Who knows Jude? In the world of strange sporting rituals, we must …. bear witness to the inherent madness that resides within all of our hearts. These rituals… seemingly bizarre and otherworldly, are a reflection … a reflection of the human spirit's relentless ….. And desperate…. pursuit of meaning … and purpose. As athletes and fans alike engage in these acts of devotion and spectacle, they peel back the ….. layers …. The layers of the human psyche, revealing our insatiable desire to …. to transcend the mundane and embrace the extra-ordinary.
One cannot help but be captivated by the profound symbolism…. and raw passion permeating these rituals. They transport us to the very fringes of sanity, where the boundaries between the conscious and subconsciousness blur. In this ambiguity, we find a rich tapestry of hopes and fears.. where the quest for victory… the fervor of competition… and communion of rival tribes converge into a theater of the absurd.
These rituals may appear strange to the uninitiated, but when observed through a more contemplative lens, they offer a window into the depths of sentience, reminding us that our innate need for meaning can manifest in the most unconventional of ways. In the world of sports, as in life, we are nothing but insignificant participants in a grand…. beautiful…brutal… and often perplexing drama.
UGHGHghghHgHHGghhg
Yes Jude… I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Condottieri Contenti and the Yama Kings
For a short period the happy Tileans, Condottieri Contenti, took to the field and looked to be having a good season. But then it appears there were some electoral troubles they needed to take care of back in Tilea. To avoid a complete washout of their various sponsorship and product placement contracts the Dukes, Doges, and petty princelings hired a ringer team in from Northern Nippon: The Yama Kings. After a promising start the Yama Kings did not do quite so well.
Ughghghghghgaas
Yes, just what I was thinking Jude. Next!
Anaxagoras’ Diaper Service
Ahh, everyone’s favourite feces flingers. I must say I rather enjoy watching the antics of Anax. One moment he is on fire … sometimes figuratively … sometimes literally … and then other times he writhes on the floor having a hissy fit like the brats he is supposed to entertain. What a strange man…. Anyway. The Diapers came back this season to squeak into the playoffs but were eliminated in the quarter finals.
Uasduuuuudsuhhh!!
Well they maybe be Tzeentch Demons but that is quite enough snark from you Jude. I guess the fans do love a good bit of Snark though …
Snark Men
And the wrathful weresharks returned to deliver it in the name of Stromfels this season. Not the best season for them, but they returned with a vengeance to take the Sucker Cup and prove that the Stromfels can go pound for pound with the A list of the OSBBL.
Tcharcoal_Tchickens
The T_Ts came back for seconds in season XI. However, they seemed to be too busy finger licking to be any good. I’m looking forward to seeing if these disciples of Tzeentch can make it back to the finals in season XII!
Ughghghghghg
Living in an Ethereal World
Yes, Jude. But, Did you know!? In the early days of OSBBL before roving bands of blood ball players were set about their wears and ways, most OSBBLers would only groove in caves with picks. There was a powerful and enchanting young Necromancer known as the Mad Dona. Her lust was to collect all the most soulful music she could. She used these tunes she found to trap the tortured souls of the dead…. the rhythm driving them into a bloody fever. It wasn’t long before Mad Dona realised these could be the perfect blood bowl players. Now, donning the Mad Donna’s sheets on the pitch these wicked and tormented souls look to make an impact primarily by booting folk in the head.
This really came across in season XI. In particular the Mad Donna’s training regime of shank the sheet really seemed to pay dividends, with this team of Ethereals removing the opposition left right and centre to make it to the playoffs in their maiden season.
Ughghghgh! UUUUUUUUUUUuuuUUUughgh!
Yes Jude really insightful. I’m sure all the coaches will slide that right into their playbooks.
Johnny Geode and the Rockslide
The Mascara Snake once again has shown a penchant for bringing in musical talent. This chart topping group of earth elemental hard rockers didn’t have quite the same success on pitch. Although Johnny is the backbone of the band, Gale was the real performer on the pitch racking up most of the team’s touchdowns.
Uggh ughg UGHGHG!
Yes I completely agree Jude. That really is a quite excellent song Jude.
Slaaneshi Thunder!
This group of rag-tag one-time Delicious Heresy groupies are back! These former fans were bestowed interesting…. talents… by the Perfect Prince as their attempts to get noticed by their heroes escalated. The fan favourites in particular have some interesting… endowments. Solomon Snaketongue was blessed with super human agility for his uncanny tongue tricks. Mankini was blessed with supernatural strength for his…. Mankini.
Floating from match to match in a non-stop circus of depravity and debauchery one can never tell whether they are getting ready for the blood bowl pitch or the latest episode of MusacTV’s Male Donkey.
Now for the kingston Flyers Division Jude
Blood shanties
Quite the rookie season for the Blood Shanties Jude. Not exactly what I would have expected from a team with a captain who insists on carrying their blanket around as a comfort object.
Ughuguhgughug
The blanket is a cape? And has superpowers you say? A likely story. Nonetheless an amazing season for the Shanties which saw these undead pirates go undefeated to take The Swert! And object attachment aside, Captain V is truly a terrifying presence on the gridiron.
Harder Wetter Bluster Smoulder
Every blood bowl fan’s favourite half time entertainment gone wrong also had a good season, making it all the way to the semis. I guess the aeoliomancer that made them did not show them how to do this popular dance they are doing. What is it called Jude…. It’s on the tip of your tongue I can see it.
UGhghGHgghghhg
No, not metaphorically, literally. It’s crawling there… it’s a .. uh …er …yes! A worm! The Worm I believe they call that dance… Maybe if The Bluster could have done that The Hunters may have shown them mercy in the playoffs. Anyhow, I do hope The Bluster return one day. These wind elementals are quite a favourite with the crowd.
Moist
I’ve heard an intriguing rumour about the provenance of this team Jude. Although it does sound a little far fetched. The story goes there was a young blood bowl player that did not wash their socks. Overtime, the socks developed a moist fungus. It took some time for the player to notice but, when he did, he fell in love with the sparkling gently glowing little lifeforms. Gradually, the fungus grew and grew, and the young lineman found himself changing too. Becoming more and more moist. And slippery. And strangely larger. One day, the lineman found that the fungus started to leave his socks and move about. With all the love he had for these little fungi he taught them how to play blood bowl. And thus Moist was born.
Ughghgh
Yes I agree quite unlikely, but it does seem to match the description of Michael Dampsock no? Anyhow, quite a good finish for these water elemental rookies. Making it to the semis of the Swert and final of the Sucker is no mean feat even for experienced sides.
DSR B-team
The Dirty Stinking Rats! What OSBBL season would be complete without these sweet toothed Eshin sneak theives. Tayuya the second continued his run in season XI, a true OSBBL legend. And although they were just nudged out of the play-offs by Moist I hope to see him back on the pitch some time soon!
Troutmask Replica
Speaking of storied franchises, The Mascara Snake somehow managed to convince Agostinho Rodrigues to bring the one and only (and ineffable) Troutmasks out of retirement. Maybe as a way to fund his mask making activities? ... I hear that when the masks sell out desperate fans of this Nautican dynasty resort to killing the cresters to continue the bizarre contradiction that is the fan ritual of wearing the faces of the team’s players.
Anyway Jude, it was a good season for the Troutmasks with them bagging their only three wins since the leagues’ rules were revised. Although not good enough to make the playoffs, a middle of the pack finish is quite an achievement for a team that has made its name on a ritual that requires removing and wearing the faces of its players.
Bloodlust Brigade
The legendary Kitava came back to do his thing: murder. This team of blood thirsty Khornish ex-cons topped the casualty count this season. However, with only two wins in the season I guess it shows it really is more important to pay attention to the ball than just murdering your opponents. At least if you are going for touchdowns. I know what our viewers like Jude!
UghghgHGhgh
No Jude that is not what I meant, but yes. You are probably right. The perverts probably like that too.
None More Block
So the team bio I have for these black Dwarfs says… ‘sexist artists with intimidatingly filled trousers’… Sounds like my good friend Klaws Kinky. Maybe I should introduce them? He also likes to have a good time, all the time.
Not the most auspicious start for The Blocks, with only one win. But they did achieve some development over the course of the season. Nigel Tufnel and Derek Smalls can really move a ball now.
UghghghghGHhghg
Is that all you have to say Jude? Well…
Prepubescence Putrescence
The scurfs really seem to have kicked something off Jude. The Prepubescents have their roots in an elite grammar school in the Southern Wastes. The blood bowl coach seems to have caved in to the pressure of overdemanding parents to do anything to succeed. The result, scurf flakes have made their way into the little leagues. It is slightly surprising, but the parents don’t seem to mind… so long as they can tell their friends about the sporting trophies and sports scholarships.
A rather ordinary debut season for this performance enhanced pack of Nurgle Demons. Although I suppose they did take the mullet. It is strange what we will do to our loved ones simply for a fleeting and shallow vicarious pleasure.
UghghghGHGghghgh
Yes, indeed fleeting Jude, and that rounds out the sweet 16 for season XI. I’ll be back with the awards after this brief message from our sponsors. |
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RicardoGrande
Joined: Nov 18, 2021
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| Posted:
Mar 09, 2024 - 11:01 |
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RicardoGrande
Joined: Nov 18, 2021
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Apr 08, 2024 - 15:15 |
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Hello my dear voyeurs! After that interesting advertising break I
Ughg!
Yes sorry Jude… I should say WE… are back! Once again we have the privilege to to place honours upon the greats of this game we all love…. Yes I wonder is love the right word… with all the stomping that happens when players are surfed into the crowd?... Yes I think so. Love is like many things in nature… primal and sometimes irrational… it is a force that can both elevate and destroy individuals…..
uguhuguhguguhHHH!
Yes quite right Jude. Let’s get on with the show! The highest honour of the OSBBL the ….
The Wilkinson Sword: goes to the winner of the playoffs for the regular season!
Our champs this season Blood Shanties dominated their conference and then won the Swert two nil in the final! This is quite the maiden season for the blood shanties… especially for a team who’s captain appears to carry around a comfort object!
I wonder what the deeper significance of this behaviour might be? In fact Jude, I wonder why I wonder. Is it a question about masculinity? Is it wrong to acknowledge our vulnerability? To seek, and when found, luxuriate in emotional refuge? Does this make one less of a man? Or even less of a person (I of course mean this in a being inclusive sense Jude….) ? Isn’t this a fundamental need for us all, one that transcends age, gender, species, and death?
Is it the captain’s blanket that is ridiculous, or the rest of us…. for being tied to the strings of societal norms and expectations that dictate what behavior is considered acceptable? Yes… tied …tied like … those broken puppets they sometime have at a cheap and…. and tawdry… yes.. harvest festival…. Does not true strength lie in acknowledging and embracing one's vulnerabilities? I think Captain V seems to have shown us this this very season Jude.
Ughghgghh
Quite so Jude, I see quite the dynasty starting here…
And now for the The Mullet! This season it went to Prepubescence Putrescence. I guess all that prepubescent rebelliousness put them off their scurf flakes Jude.
Our next privilege is to hand out the other major prize in the OSBBL calendar, The Sucker Cup! This 16 team knockout tournament ends each season of OSBBL in four rounds of unrepentant madness. The Sucker Cup for season XI goes to The Snark Men! As the first Stromfels team to hold the stinky plunger I asked coach Beefy Goodness what his secret was. He answered BBQ sauce. Apparently nothing puts a were-shark in a flow state like BBQ sauce and blood.
Ughghghgggh
Yes I know Jude, I was hoping to be co-hosting with Peggy Sweats next season too. I could have asked her the secret of the were-sharks’ favourite sauce. A pity Jayceon Cert got fouled into an early grave shortly afterwards… Maybe he got a taste of the famous Snark Men sauce off of Jules Saggins’ boots….speaking of culinary arts, let’s talk blenders.
The Blender remains with the Cheese Eating Blender Monkees. The Blender goes to the team with the all time record for most casualties in a season. With a whopping 38 casualties any aspiring liquidisers have quite the pile of bodies to scale. And there is one team in the league that is certainly attempting an ascent. As I predicted last season, The Bloodlust Brigade have taken season XII’s Scurf Flakes™ mini-blender (the prize for most casualties in the regular season) for the second time with 29 Casualties.
But now, what all of our beloved players, and their adoring fans have been waiting for, the individual prizes.
One of the most coveted prizes in the OSBBL, Silky's Starfish. This award goes to the player with the most SPPs for the season.
Special mentions to Kitava and Ironpoint of the Bloodlust Brigade. Kitava continued his reign of terror harvesting casualties gaining (39 SPP) while Ironpoint did his job of picking up the ball and touching it down there (30 SPP). But the twinkliest them of all was Captain V of the Blood Shanties who, despite covering himself with his blanky, outshone the competition with 47 SPP.
Now the Rampant Shag. As is said each season, this annoying bird was caught and stuffed by the Mercenaries of the Nightwing and given to Silky as a bizarre parting gift. The Shag goes to the player with the most TD's for the season. With it goes the accolade of being greeted with a hearty "alright Shagger" each time they arrive in the tavern.
Special mentions to Gale of Johnny Geode and the Rockslide and Mankini of Slaaneshi Thunder. Gale blew about the field with 7 touchdowns while Mankini scored 6. But again that iconoclast Captain V of The Blood Shanties managed 11.
Now The Moby Dick award The White Whale. Who did the players fear, and who do the cripples burn with vengeful rage for. In his sophomore season, Kitava, improved on last season's performance (13 casualties) to take 17 casualties.
Way behind Kitava, Dyrrwd of The Wild Hunters, Julia Fadukes of Prepubescent Putrescence, and Anne Percy of The Diapers tied for second place with 7 casualties each.
The Hand of Cod , this award is for the player with the most Completions in a season. And much like an off Cod there tends not to be much competition for it. It has been said that the coaches of the OSBBL tend to ignore playing ‘the beautiful game’ and instead prefer a more brutish and base sweet science. This still seems to be the case, however the number of completions this season has increased! And much against my expectations, two out of the top three are dwarfs!
David St Hubbins and Giselle Emon of None More Block threw second and third respectively with 4 and 3 completions. However, after taking second last year, Dyrrlinath of the Wild Hunters had the fishiest fingers.
The Orange Roughy, this award is for the foulest player in the league. That wretch that uses all the toilet paper up without replacing it with a new roll.
Dishonourable mentions go to Brynnlath of The Wild Hunters (31 fouls) and Joffrey Vollux the 3rd of The Diapers (20 fouls). But this season, with 40 fouls Hatebeat of the Bloodlust Brigade outdid his performance from last season (29 fouls) to show he is the foulest player in the league.
And now for the third Salty Sea Blowhole . Brought to you by world wide warp based social media platform Metabo.
The Salty Sea blowhole, Also known as the Shiofuku for our Nipponese viewers, is for that player with the most rushing yards. That player that cannot control their excitement for the finish line. Iron Point of The Brigade took third place with 130 Rushing yards. Gale took second place with 166 rushing yards.
But the hastiest of players in the OSBBL was Captain V with 173 rushing yards. I wonder what his rush is? Being the strongest player in the league what is he afraid of? … Is he not already dead?... but I guess death comes for us all eventually… even a second time, wouldn’t you say Jude?
Ughghhgghghhg
Ok… and now we come to Silky's special award. Who is Silky you ask? An erstwhile commissioner that is but an incomplete and hastily drawn prototype in comparison to our beloved Mascara Snake. Nonetheless Silky has left a legacy that we should be thankful for.
Silky’s special award is The award of a Chum bucket for services to Chum production goes to the team with the most corpses this season … not the re-animated type though….
ughghhgGGg
Ah, good point Jude, yes, formerly re-animated corpses like yourself do count Jude.
But, the legacy of the Chum Bucket, goes all the way back to the Chum fiasco which haunted Silky in season 3 when the Stromfel launched a protest nationwide disrupting Shipping throughout the Isles. Silky found a solution so now the OSBBL uses its cleaning services to give dead players of the OSBBL an honourable sea burial. 31 corpses were produced this season so the amount of Chum continues to increase this season.
Outdoing their civic contributions from last season The Dirty Stinking Rats sent 7 bodies to be repurposed in the Chum Bucket. And as is tradition here comes Tayuya the 2nd to take the bucket.
Another great season Jude! An upstart band of rotting pirates taking the Swert in their freshman season! The Wild Hunters once again coming so close to holding the Swert.
I wonder what season XII will bring us? Will Captain V continue to advocate for comfort object rights? Will the Wild Hunters finally take the Swert? Will we continue to see Dwarfs passing like elves?
Uuuhghghghghgh *poof*
Thank you Katharina! Punctual as ever, we wouldn’t want to keep Jude from a well earned second death.
Well my dear strange cutlery, that is it for season XI. Again I must draw the curtains on another window into the heart of our beneficent Nuffle!
But as one window closes another opens! I understand that Season XII is already at full capacity. Some of the greats of the OSBBL are returning! The Shanties, The Snark Men, The Wild Hunters, and The Cheese Eaters to name a few! What improbable spectacles will the season bring? What new esoteric, and self indulgent insights will I deliver? Who knows? Not I…
In any case, any teams looking to ‘join the madness’ of future seasons should get in touch with the Mascara Snake’s fixer Mr Trickey https://fumbbl.com/~Trickey or the nefarious Ricardo Grande https://fumbbl.com/~RicardoGrande. Registration details can be found on the OSBBL part of FUMBBL’s world wide warp site https://fumbbl.com/p/group?op=view&group=15084 .
Until next season, I’ll enjoy the double dose of Slaanesh postseason parties. Really … most fascinating experiences… one might even say it is as close to being on the blood bowl pitch as those of us lacking the athletic gifts of our sporting champions can get… yes… devoid of restraint and soaked in hedonism…these revelries serve as a spectacle…. a grotesque spectacle of our primal desires. Yet… amidst the… the.. swirling chaos and the deafening beats, there exists a… stark emptiness… an abyss into which we willingly… hurl ourselves…. seeking solace in the fleeting euphoria of the moment. Is this what our heroes feel before the horns sound at the start of each match?
In any case I am looking forward to this post season party season. As is becoming something of a tradition The Mascara Snake has brought out Brain Eno who will perform from his latest album: See You Next Thursday Afternoon. Or is it Tuesday Afternoon? Who knows with Brain…. That man is always speaking in codes….
In any case, good evening to you all my dearest cutlery. I, your Verner, send you the traditional valediction of our beloved commissioner The Mascara Snake… ‘stay weird’. |
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angusosborne
Joined: Jan 18, 2023
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Apr 09, 2024 - 04:12 |
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Captain V is an unbelievable player. The only player on the team who has scored touchdowns, and the team is undefeated this season. And he has more than a third of the team's Cas. Is he the OSBBL GOAT? |
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Trickey
Joined: Oct 10, 2018
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Apr 10, 2024 - 12:31 |
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Captain may claim the GOAT title but both:
Boudica Handmaiden games 51 Sps 141 Block, Stand Firm, Tackle, Mighty Blow, Dodge, Shadowing, Frenzy -av, m, d
and
Laskarina Bouboulina Handmaiden Games17 SPS62 Block, Stand Firm, Dodge, Mighty Blow, Shadowing, Tackle m, d
Were amazing |
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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| Posted:
Apr 11, 2024 - 01:56 |
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If we're talking about the greatest of all time, do I really need to remind everyone about the gentleman and scholar, Snuggles? |
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