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RicardoGrande



Joined: Nov 18, 2021

Post 18 Posted: Mar 05, 2024 - 11:16 Reply with quote Back to top

Hello cutlery! Once again it is I, Verner Hishog. After various scheduling conflicts I am back with the awards for yet another season of humid blood bowl. As per usual I have been waylaid by my hectic filming schedule… you should really see my new forthcoming documentary …. It is about different attitudes to nose picking across our great world… We all know how snotlings feel about it … But how do you feel? Do you do it? Of course you do! But do you do it publicly? … But, as I often do, I digress… I was about to apologise that my filming schedlue has distracted me from introducing the teams this season so now I shall do so.

And now, as is the cruel and unusual tradition of OSBBL, I am joined, for the first and last time, by the ghost of the last player to die during the previous season: zombie Lineman Jude Sheena of the legendary Mourkain Kings.

Well Jude, tell me how does it feel to die a second time?

uUGHGHGughghughhHHhh…

Yes, the enormity of their flat brain. The enormity of their stupidity is just overwhelming. You have to do yourself a favour. When you are out at the blood bowl pitch and you see a zombie. Try to look a zombie in the eye with great intensity. And the intensity of stupidity that is looking back at you is just amazing.

uguhguuguhuguuuUHUHGHugh

Yes no offense meant Jude, you were of course a world class athlete. Well, what a season! After the wild commercial success of season X, The Mascara Snake reinvested funds from our Killhogs sponsorship to entice some of the all time great teams to return to the OSBBL for one more season. The one and only Troutmask Replica, Slaaneshi Thunder, the DSR team B, The Wydrioth Wild Hunters to name just a few. Sadly due to illness OSBBL stalwarts, and current Blender holders, The Cheese Eating Blender Monkees took some time away from the field. Our thoughts and prayers are with these legendary mice and their well loved coach Mr. Cushtie. I wish them a speedy recovery…. Speaking of teams not playing this season, after their win in Sucker Cup X, I was hoping the Mourkain Kings might return again for season XI, but alas, our heroes also need rest. Do you have any insights into The Kings’ management’s decision not to return this season Jude?

UGUghghGUuguUhghug

I see. Well, speaking of The Kings, I shall endeavor to give you a run down of the going ons in The Mourkain Kings Conference.

Wydrioth Wild Hunters

After a disappointing season X, everyone’s favourite Ishan animal rights activists ‘The Hunters’ came back. The Hunters performed magnificently this season, finishing top of their conference and making it all the way to the final. I would really love to interview their coach: the elusive Arthur Wynne. I wonder what he does to whip The Hunters into shape? Non-alcoholic beer? Stick beating? Headpulls? Strobe-light glasses? Gummi worms?

Who knows Jude? In the world of strange sporting rituals, we must …. bear witness to the inherent madness that resides within all of our hearts. These rituals… seemingly bizarre and otherworldly, are a reflection … a reflection of the human spirit's relentless ….. And desperate…. pursuit of meaning … and purpose. As athletes and fans alike engage in these acts of devotion and spectacle, they peel back the ….. layers …. The layers of the human psyche, revealing our insatiable desire to …. to transcend the mundane and embrace the extra-ordinary.

One cannot help but be captivated by the profound symbolism…. and raw passion permeating these rituals. They transport us to the very fringes of sanity, where the boundaries between the conscious and subconsciousness blur. In this ambiguity, we find a rich tapestry of hopes and fears.. where the quest for victory… the fervor of competition… and communion of rival tribes converge into a theater of the absurd.

These rituals may appear strange to the uninitiated, but when observed through a more contemplative lens, they offer a window into the depths of sentience, reminding us that our innate need for meaning can manifest in the most unconventional of ways. In the world of sports, as in life, we are nothing but insignificant participants in a grand…. beautiful…brutal… and often perplexing drama.


UGHGHghghHgHHGghhg

Yes Jude… I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Condottieri Contenti and the Yama Kings

For a short period the happy Tileans, Condottieri Contenti, took to the field and looked to be having a good season. But then it appears there were some electoral troubles they needed to take care of back in Tilea. To avoid a complete washout of their various sponsorship and product placement contracts the Dukes, Doges, and petty princelings hired a ringer team in from Northern Nippon: The Yama Kings. After a promising start the Yama Kings did not do quite so well.

Ughghghghghgaas

Yes, just what I was thinking Jude. Next!

Anaxagoras’ Diaper Service

Ahh, everyone’s favourite feces flingers. I must say I rather enjoy watching the antics of Anax. One moment he is on fire … sometimes figuratively … sometimes literally … and then other times he writhes on the floor having a hissy fit like the brats he is supposed to entertain. What a strange man…. Anyway. The Diapers came back this season to squeak into the playoffs but were eliminated in the quarter finals.

Uasduuuuudsuhhh!!

Well they maybe be Tzeentch Demons but that is quite enough snark from you Jude. I guess the fans do love a good bit of Snark though …

Snark Men

And the wrathful weresharks returned to deliver it in the name of Stromfels this season. Not the best season for them, but they returned with a vengeance to take the Sucker Cup and prove that the Stromfels can go pound for pound with the A list of the OSBBL.

Tcharcoal_Tchickens

The T_Ts came back for seconds in season XI. However, they seemed to be too busy finger licking to be any good. I’m looking forward to seeing if these disciples of Tzeentch can make it back to the finals in season XII!

Ughghghghghg

Living in an Ethereal World

Yes, Jude. But, Did you know!? In the early days of OSBBL before roving bands of blood ball players were set about their wears and ways, most OSBBLers would only groove in caves with picks. There was a powerful and enchanting young Necromancer known as the Mad Dona. Her lust was to collect all the most soulful music she could. She used these tunes she found to trap the tortured souls of the dead…. the rhythm driving them into a bloody fever. It wasn’t long before Mad Dona realised these could be the perfect blood bowl players. Now, donning the Mad Donna’s sheets on the pitch these wicked and tormented souls look to make an impact primarily by booting folk in the head.

This really came across in season XI. In particular the Mad Donna’s training regime of shank the sheet really seemed to pay dividends, with this team of Ethereals removing the opposition left right and centre to make it to the playoffs in their maiden season.

Ughghghgh! UUUUUUUUUUUuuuUUUughgh!

Yes Jude really insightful. I’m sure all the coaches will slide that right into their playbooks.


Johnny Geode and the Rockslide

The Mascara Snake once again has shown a penchant for bringing in musical talent. This chart topping group of earth elemental hard rockers didn’t have quite the same success on pitch. Although Johnny is the backbone of the band, Gale was the real performer on the pitch racking up most of the team’s touchdowns.

Uggh ughg UGHGHG!

Yes I completely agree Jude. That really is a quite excellent song Jude.

Slaaneshi Thunder!

This group of rag-tag one-time Delicious Heresy groupies are back! These former fans were bestowed interesting…. talents… by the Perfect Prince as their attempts to get noticed by their heroes escalated. The fan favourites in particular have some interesting… endowments. Solomon Snaketongue was blessed with super human agility for his uncanny tongue tricks. Mankini was blessed with supernatural strength for his…. Mankini.

Floating from match to match in a non-stop circus of depravity and debauchery one can never tell whether they are getting ready for the blood bowl pitch or the latest episode of MusacTV’s Male Donkey.

Now for the kingston Flyers Division Jude

Blood shanties

Quite the rookie season for the Blood Shanties Jude. Not exactly what I would have expected from a team with a captain who insists on carrying their blanket around as a comfort object.

Ughuguhgughug

The blanket is a cape? And has superpowers you say? A likely story. Nonetheless an amazing season for the Shanties which saw these undead pirates go undefeated to take The Swert! And object attachment aside, Captain V is truly a terrifying presence on the gridiron.

Harder Wetter Bluster Smoulder

Every blood bowl fan’s favourite half time entertainment gone wrong also had a good season, making it all the way to the semis. I guess the aeoliomancer that made them did not show them how to do this popular dance they are doing. What is it called Jude…. It’s on the tip of your tongue I can see it.

UGhghGHgghghhg

No, not metaphorically, literally. It’s crawling there… it’s a .. uh …er …yes! A worm! The Worm I believe they call that dance… Maybe if The Bluster could have done that The Hunters may have shown them mercy in the playoffs. Anyhow, I do hope The Bluster return one day. These wind elementals are quite a favourite with the crowd.

Moist

I’ve heard an intriguing rumour about the provenance of this team Jude. Although it does sound a little far fetched. The story goes there was a young blood bowl player that did not wash their socks. Overtime, the socks developed a moist fungus. It took some time for the player to notice but, when he did, he fell in love with the sparkling gently glowing little lifeforms. Gradually, the fungus grew and grew, and the young lineman found himself changing too. Becoming more and more moist. And slippery. And strangely larger. One day, the lineman found that the fungus started to leave his socks and move about. With all the love he had for these little fungi he taught them how to play blood bowl. And thus Moist was born.

Ughghgh

Yes I agree quite unlikely, but it does seem to match the description of Michael Dampsock no? Anyhow, quite a good finish for these water elemental rookies. Making it to the semis of the Swert and final of the Sucker is no mean feat even for experienced sides.

DSR B-team

The Dirty Stinking Rats! What OSBBL season would be complete without these sweet toothed Eshin sneak theives. Tayuya the second continued his run in season XI, a true OSBBL legend. And although they were just nudged out of the play-offs by Moist I hope to see him back on the pitch some time soon!

Troutmask Replica

Speaking of storied franchises, The Mascara Snake somehow managed to convince Agostinho Rodrigues to bring the one and only (and ineffable) Troutmasks out of retirement. Maybe as a way to fund his mask making activities? ... I hear that when the masks sell out desperate fans of this Nautican dynasty resort to killing the cresters to continue the bizarre contradiction that is the fan ritual of wearing the faces of the team’s players.

Anyway Jude, it was a good season for the Troutmasks with them bagging their only three wins since the leagues’ rules were revised. Although not good enough to make the playoffs, a middle of the pack finish is quite an achievement for a team that has made its name on a ritual that requires removing and wearing the faces of its players.

Bloodlust Brigade

The legendary Kitava came back to do his thing: murder. This team of blood thirsty Khornish ex-cons topped the casualty count this season. However, with only two wins in the season I guess it shows it really is more important to pay attention to the ball than just murdering your opponents. At least if you are going for touchdowns. I know what our viewers like Jude!

UghghgHGhgh

No Jude that is not what I meant, but yes. You are probably right. The perverts probably like that too.

None More Block

So the team bio I have for these black Dwarfs says… ‘sexist artists with intimidatingly filled trousers’… Sounds like my good friend Klaws Kinky. Maybe I should introduce them? He also likes to have a good time, all the time.

Not the most auspicious start for The Blocks, with only one win. But they did achieve some development over the course of the season. Nigel Tufnel and Derek Smalls can really move a ball now.

UghghghghGHhghg

Is that all you have to say Jude? Well…

Prepubescence Putrescence

The scurfs really seem to have kicked something off Jude. The Prepubescents have their roots in an elite grammar school in the Southern Wastes. The blood bowl coach seems to have caved in to the pressure of overdemanding parents to do anything to succeed. The result, scurf flakes have made their way into the little leagues. It is slightly surprising, but the parents don’t seem to mind… so long as they can tell their friends about the sporting trophies and sports scholarships.

A rather ordinary debut season for this performance enhanced pack of Nurgle Demons. Although I suppose they did take the mullet. It is strange what we will do to our loved ones simply for a fleeting and shallow vicarious pleasure.

UghghghGHGghghgh

Yes, indeed fleeting Jude, and that rounds out the sweet 16 for season XI. I’ll be back with the awards after this brief message from our sponsors.
RicardoGrande



Joined: Nov 18, 2021

Post   Posted: Mar 09, 2024 - 11:01 Reply with quote Back to top

The following message is brought to you by our sponsors the Glimdwarrow Groundhhogs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIyixC9NsLI
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