Grotty Little Newspaper
Issue 13 - August 28th 2511


News & Views
Letter from the Editor
by Ro
Story Description
Angry Man's Corner
by Purplegoo
This issue, the angry man rants on balance.
Interviews with a Newscaster
by the_cursed_one
the_cursed_one corners the Newscasters coach in the press office after a game
Low Few Lowdown
by the_cursed_one
Skolopender reveals the secret of Low Few's success
Freestyle
by Calthor
Calthor freestyles on another set of topics for your enjoyment
APO
by Ehlers
Ehlers investigates this shadowy organisation...
The World Fameseeker
by Ehlers
Zhorn, cousin of Grotty, goes exploring the world
FUMBBL Focus
Admin Corner
by Woodstock
Woodstock explains how to stay out of trouble with the admin team
FUMBBL awards
by Stej and Ro
Invitations for nominations for the First FUMBBL awards
Staff Spotlight
by Ro
Ro secures a goblin some time off to explain what it does
Dear Prinzka
by Calthor
The GLN's Agony Aunt dispenses reams more of her painful advice
Team Tactics
Star Players Vs Homegrown
by Clarkin
Clarkin takes a look at the current set of star players available for inducement
Blood Bowl Mindset
by Ro
Ehlers explores the mindset of coaches and it's effect on matches
Group/Tournament Reports
Major Statistics
by MadTias
A round up of the Majors action since we last went to print
Interview With maysrill
by Ro
Ro talks with GLT winner maysrill
Classifieds
Odster The Evil One
BB Comics
Obituaries/Valedictories
GLN info
How to contribute
Acknowledgements
 
Letter from the Editor
by Ro

Hello once again from GLN.
As you can see it has been quite awhile since the last issue hit the stands. This has been mainly due to a couple of reasons which have delayed the issue. When I started the Revival of GLN, it was my intent to give back to the site and maybe get a little history up and running again for you all. So far the issues have been a good run and response has been positive, however, GLN needs help from you.

The first issue that is always tough is getting material for issues. The reason for GLN shutting down each time has been, in my opinion, frustration on staff part on getting articles. I have personally chased down stories and articles along with others on staff to bring you each issue. So here it is. Contact one of the staff of GLN or come to #GLNR or even post it in the forums. We dont care if you are new, old, orc, elf, or even undead. Pitch the idea and chances are we will run it.

Issue two for me has been time constraints due to other commitments. I have been unable to run down the material for the issue. With out that our excellent staff cant process it for publishing. Now as always we welcome any and all help for GLN. Proof readers, coders to help out, articles etc. So once again if you enjoy GLN stop by and lend a hand.

Now in this issue we corner the BOT named Woodstock for some insight on how to avoid the BAN HAMMER, a spot light on our very own code gobbo, a little free style from Calthor and much much more. So sit back enjoy the new issue and please think about how you can contribute

Editor in Chief
Ro

 
GLT Winner Interview
by Ro

GG_Gobberson: First of all congrats on winning the best Tournament on FUMBBL. How does it feel to have won the GLT?

maysrill: it's a weird perspective, being the winner. I've never considered myself a top coach. I always go into major hoping to do well, but usually my target is qualifying once I got to the finals round, I went into each game expecting to get eliminated, but it never happened.

GG_Gobberson: Was there a time you thought "I could win this all"?

maysrill: I mean, as the later rounds approached, you always think "if I beat this team, then I'll face this one, etc". I mean, it all seems plausible, but unlikely. I don't think I felt like I had a real shot until the final game

GG_Gobberson: It must have been a great feeling when you knew you had it in the bag. You are the third US coach in the last year to win a major. Do i see a trend forming?

maysrill: There are plenty of good US coaches, but I don't think there's a trend. Plenty of the top coaches are still east of the Atlantic. I'd chalk it up to coincidence.

GG_Gobberson: So no secret conspiracy then. Tell us about your Orcs and their run thru the GLT. Who was your toughest game, funnest opponent that sort of stuff?

maysrill: Well, they were eligible for every qualifier except the Forlorn, so I had to consider where I wanted to play.I picked Old Teams in the hope that I could avoid those newfangled clawbombers, and play some fun opponents. I drew CDs and undead in the qualifiers. the CDs were old school (no claws yet), and we were just bigger and bashier. Pythrr's undead game me a heck of a game. I dominated start to finish it felt like, but he hung in there so tough, pulling off play after play to stay with me.We won in OT, and just barely

GG_Gobberson: Thats the best part of FUMBBL. The caliber of coaches always seems to push you to your best.

maysrill: Well, once you get past the luck of the draw to start off, you start seeing nothing but top coaches.Luck only gets you so far, the rest is team-building and coaching

GG_Gobberson: Speaking of team building. How do you like the changes to the LRB? Alot of new stuff to deal with.

maysrill: Well, to some degree, orcs are still orcs, same as ever. I use PO more than before, and SF isn't quite what it used to be, but I think orcs changed less than almost anyone. The biggest thing was the clawbomb scare, and we thankfully only dealt with 2 Claw teams

GG_Gobberson: It seems to be the current buzz word on site.

maysrill: It is, and I don't know how it's going to affect future majors I suspect that they're too vulnerable to elves to truly dominate. You'll see 1 or 2 do well, but sooner or later they'll get elfballed out, or two will kill each other off

GG_Gobberson: It will make things interesting. I think R will not see the flood of them as B has simple because not getting games.

maysrill:At the lower TVs you'll see them a bit, but once you start looking at major-sized teams, most won't take a clawbomber game close to tourney time

GG_Gobberson: Have you decided whats next for Legion of Orgrimmar

maysrill: We're headed straight for the LC. We came through the GLT in fine shape, and don't see a need for prep games. I'm waiting on the delivery of my new player to sign up

GG_Gobberson: Care to tell us what you chose?

maysrill: So many options, so many different ideas on what to add to the team, and so many people chiming in with opinions.I went with the dark elf renegade from the pact

GG_Gobberson: Solid choice. Mutation access is a definate benefit on a DE

maysrill: My team's biggest weakness is a lack of AG4, and a DE can do so much to help win games in ways we don't have available right now. I think it easily outweighs animosity to get that M access

GG_Gobberson: I agree. With what you can get for mutations and your ability to protect him, he should do great things for you.

maysrill: well, durability was a factor too, sure. Those goblin secret weapons would certainly have been fun, but they'd have only lasted a few games. I hope to keep my dark elf alive a good long time (please Nuffle!)

GG_Gobberson: Long enough to win another major?

maysrill Of course I'd want to, but I'm still going into them hoping to qualify.Like I said, I still don't see myself as a top coach, I had a good team and had a fair bit of luck helping too but I think the team is going to be stronger than it was going into the GLT

GG_Gobberson Any advice for coaches entering Majors? Or even on playing on FUMBBL in general?

maysrill I still think "big" teams have an advantage in the majors.Those high TV teams can take the ups and downs better, and are most resistant to getting short-manned. I also think elves are the best way to go if you don't have a favorite team. You'll never see a major without elves at least in the top 4.

GG_Gobberson Any final thoughts for the unwashed masses?

<maysrill: Play to win. If you don't give up, you've always got a shot. Heck, if I won, just about anyone can Smile

GG_Gobberson: This is GG Gobberson saying thanks to maysrill on winning the GLT and giving us an interview. To the rest of you.. PAY YOUR DAMN SUBSCRIPTION FEES!! I need a new back scratcher. Good luck in the Lustrian

 
Majors Round Up
by MadTias

Wheel of Chaos II

Coach anisdrin’ Chaos Dwarves Señores de los Chupetes are the Wheel of Chaos 2011 champions! Congratulations!

The Señores defeated coach Ulrik’s Lizardman team Dinomight!! 1-0 in the final. This was coach anisdrin’s first final and Ulrik’s second.

Coaches anisdrin, Azure and DukeTyrion made their second top-8 appearances and coaches JockMcRowdy and Ulrik made their third. Coach PeteW leads the all-time championship race at five finals and three wins, and also shares the lead in top-8 appearances with coach BooAhl at six.

Races

Chaos Dwarves took their sixth majors trophy, leaving Dark Elves behind at five. Congratulations Chaos Dwarves! Lizardmen made their second final appearance, both times in the hands of coach Ulrik, marking him as the top Lizard coach to look out for.

In a break from the previous trend, only one elf team made the top-8. The top-8 contained Skaven, Dark Elf, Lizardman, Chaos Dwarf, Dwarf and Vampire teams. Coach Tarabaralla’s Principi made the first ever top-8 appearance for Vampires. Congratulations Tarabaralla and Vampires!

Two Chaos Dwarf top-8 appearances made them catch up with Dwarves in the all-time race at 22 appearances. Lizardmen went to 8 appearances, leaving Pro Elves behind at 7. Orcs missed out on the top-8 again but retain their all-time lead at 7 wins, 14 finals and 57 top-8 appearances.

There are five races left with no top-8 appearance: Goblin, Halfling, Pact, Slann and Underworld. Who will be the first to make it to the top-8 with one of them?

Grotty Little Tournament VII

Coach maysrill’s Orcs Legion of Orgrimmar are the Grotty Little Tournament 2011 champions! Congratulations!

The Legion defeated coach JockMcRowdy’s High Elf team Empire Strikes Back Insanity 2-1 in the final, with an amazing blitz!!! kick-off in overtime. This was the first final for both coaches.

Coach JockMcRowdy made his fourth top-8 appearance, coach Dhaktokh made his third and coach Nestoroide made his second. Five coaches made their top-8 debut. Coach Dhaktokh has made all his appearances with Amazon team Crossdressers, and as always it’s great to see teams like this returning again and again to prove themselves and to fuel the legendary feel of the majors. No team has yet made four top-8 appearances. Which will be the first?

Coach PeteW leads the all-time championship race at five finals and three wins, and also shares the lead in top-8 appearances with coach BooAhl at six.

Races

After performing poorly in several recent majors, Orcs are back! With their first top-8 appearance under CRP rules, the greenskins took their eighth majors trophy and increased their all-time lead. Congratulations Orcs! High Elves made their fourth final appearance.

The top-8 contained one each of Dark Elf, Chaos, Necro, Orc, Undead, Amazon, High Elf and Slann teams. Now that’s diversity! Coach Nestoroide’s Ranaldinhos made the first ever top-8 appearance for Slann. Congratulations Nestoroide and Slann!

High Elves caught up with Humans in the all-time race at 11 top-8 appearances and Amazons caught up with Khemri at 6 appearances. Coach Dhaktokh represents half the Amazon tally, marking him as the top Amazon coach. Orcs retain their all-time lead at 8 wins, 15 finals and 58 top-8 appearances.

There are four races left with no top-8 appearance: Goblin, Halfling, Pact and Underworld. Who will be the first to make it to the top-8 with one of them?

 
Angry man's corner

Angry man's corner. One man's rant at the World. This issue; 'Balance' in Blood Bowl.

This is probably the rant closest to my heart to date, but also the toughest to crystallise in words (you‘re lucky this page doesn‘t read RAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH NERD RAGE); ‘balance’ in reference to Blood Bowl has been a spider laying eggs of annoyance in my brain over the years, and they’ve recently hatched and had little ranting babies. Luckily for me, I have this outlet for arachnospawn, or I think I’d have some sort of Alien birth scene. Through my face. The advent of CRP on FUMBBL has lead to miles and miles of forum debate over this skill or that, the game as a whole, whether Top Gun is the greatest movie of all time (and we all know the answer to that is no, the better movie was the straight to video, oddly less remembered classic; Top Gun II : Maverick finally comes out and the gang play Twister with babyoil; the pretence is over) and more often than not, some wise guy invokes the term ‘balance’ as if it’s Star Wars in order to appear that his point is that of a super bearded, pipe-smoking, uber physics scholar. Well, I’m here to tell you that ‘balance’ has little to no place in Blood Bowl, and if it creeps in, we should get rid of it. I’m not actually sure which is more annoying, the concept ‘balance’ exists / should exist, or the people that cite the term willy nilly as a throw away cure all I-can’t-think-of-a-decent-point-so-here-is-a-word-that-should-fit argument fixer! Which one of the Harry Potter kids would you most like to smack? Exactly, you’ve got two hands. Hermionie can get away with it this time. As long as she remembers I’ve been kind.

The first thing to note is that I’m not going to fall into the trap of assuming I knew what was in the minds of the rules people when BB in any of it’s forms was conceived. It’s an easy trap to fall into, reading a few posts on a forum and then assuming you’re in the know; this is all one (angry) man’s assumption. That guy who devours IMDB profiles and then acts like he knows Scarlet Johansson is still a lunatic and not her long lost brother, afterall. These are all my feelings and not some prescribed knowledge about the grand plan. I’m no vicar at the church of rules. A common error the ‘balance’ n00bs make is citing this quote or that quote, pretending like they know what they’re talking about. I will never and have never made the mistake of pretending I know what I’m on about.

Balance, then, in a nutshell. Difficult concept to fully flesh out, when you think about it. I suppose you could concentrate it down to the idea that everything in love and war is fair. Football league seasons are balanced, play everyone home and away once, see who does best. Chess is balanced, you have exactly the same tools at your disposal, nothing is random, go out and think better than the other guy with the same pieces. Rock, paper, scissors, we all have the same three options, the same access to the winning move, select one each. These are but three examples of balance, be they giving everyone the same playing conditions, the same teams / resources or the same chance of selecting the correct random choice. Of course it gets trickier than this, people go on for hours about this game or that and whether it’s balanced, but the majority of games have a vast array of moving parts attached, so it makes it very tough to streamline the playing experience to the point where genuine balance is achieved. Many try a turn based system like Civ (although, not all start positions are equal, so it’s hardly totally balanced since your resources differ from those of the next guy) or they have you playing all at the same time on the same map (although, think FPS games, sometimes whomever gets ‘that’ gun first wins some days). Either way, the more complex and intricate your game, the harder it is to get it totally balanced. What I’m saying about what we have here, Blood Bowl, is that it isn’t, and moreover, it shouldn’t be. That was all very serious, but I do sometimes wonder whether the overarching concept of ‘balance’ and the fact you can’t wholly pin it down means that people think they can get away with knocking the word out in forum threads because you can’t pin them down to what it is they’re trying to say. If it’s not easy to explain, it doesn’t make you clever. I’d like to go around to each of your homes and mix up all of your CDs and DVDs, putting them all away in the incorrect cases. Yes, that’s right, the ultimate punishment! See how you like that, balance mongers.

Do you need balance for fun? This is the main crux of why BB doesn’t have to be balanced. We are the tippiest toppiest most hardcore BB nerds. We take this game way too seriously, you know. It’s supposed to be a laugh with a buddy, not the highbrow many hour experience we make it sometimes. It’s the Expendables, not some art house French flick. A guilty pleasure. Here you are reading a nerd newsletter on a nerd website, have you seen outside recently? It has sunshine now. Worth checking out, you’ve got Wi-fi, right? It also has girls; although Wi-fi has already taught you that.

There are obviously better and worse races, kickoff results that change and decide games, your player can trip and die on a GFI. The very concept of dice to make any action work isn’t fair, is it? When I run my Snotling through your line and your 9 dice fail to knock him down, that’s not fair, it’s not balanced, what it is is hilarious and a great time for all concerned. Well, except you, laugh’s on you, guy who can’t knock down a Snotling. You very much became the guy that fell over in public and got uploaded to You Tube! 2 million hits leter, you’re still funny. What’s even less balanced is that the winners / better teams and coaches keep improving. If you win, you’ve likely taken less CAS / got more SPPs, you’re a better coach so your skill picks are better, and the whole spiral loop takes you to a better position in your next game, making it even less balanced.

It’s not immediately obvious BB is unbalanced, that’s part of the charm. There is a veil that the game is fully skill orientated like the veil of Charlie Sheen’s sanity, and before you know it you’re in having fun before it can put you off. Having met Charlie and been transfixed; you’re too far along the line to think better of it by the time he has you invading Russia wielding an asthma inhaler driving a tank made entirely of matchsticks.

Another reason ‘balance’ is a concept we don’t need here is the role playing / team management aspect of BB. It’s not some pure, chess like experience where you throw your pieces away in passionless exchanges to improve position; BB is about the teams and the pixels to most of us. That Zombie has played 100 games, he’s a hero! That Wardancer is AG6, he is using that Apo and no-one else can have it! We get as much fun and enjoyment out of forwarding the team and the players, the story, as we do from the simple nuts and bolts mechanics of the thing.

Those of you that run tier two and three teams (yeah, there was your first clue balance had no place here, to be honest, teams _designed_ to win less, wait, it's a trap!) know the feeling of bravely fighting against the odds. That’s fun, fun you wouldn’t have with true ‘balance’. Those of you running tier one teams know the thrill of trying to stay there and win as much as possible with your juggernaughts. It’s good to be top dog. Ogres aren’t supposed to beat Woodies, that’s why when you see that match on ‘games’ and it’s 0-0 with 80% time gone, you join to see what’s happening, you cheer like a mad thing when the Woodies snake the game away, and you support the underdog as if it was your own family thwarting World hunger causing Commie-Nazis. That imbalance is at the heart of what makes this game great, isn’t it? Does the very concept of Inducements not lead you to think balance has gone out of the window? Underdogs should win ‘about 30% of the time’ (oh hell, I'm not only trapped, I've thrown away the saw my leg off option out of the nearby window and I'm awaiting starvation). This is gloriously vague, isn’t it?! Superb random silliness.

Random events effect ‘balance’ No-one would try it; but the fact that Black Orc can theoretically wander into your cage on a 6, -3d triple POW kill Morg and then scoop up the ball and run away is delicious. We see lesser events than this every day and it frustrates and delights in equal measure. A game that champions such random events isn’t fair or balanced, but what it is is damn good fun!

Let’s talk about skills. Skills are the biggest clue this game is fun orientated, that the tightrope walker fell off the rope a long time ago and you shouldn’t be claiming that he’s still there and all is well. Why do we care what skills we pick? That seems a daft question, but the only answer is that all skills were not created equal. If the game were rock, paper, scissors, if each skill were as powerful as the next, we’d not care which we took. We’d have a bit of everything such that our rocks could thwart scissors the next time we saw them. In actual fact, rock/paper/sicissorering forty odd skills sounds like an utter nightmare. And on top of that, it sounds massively boring to me. Some skills are better than others, some combinations better than other combinations. That’s life, again, it feeds in to the rich getting richer and not all things being created equal. The only thing that matters is that some skill or combination isn’t overpowered.

OP! ZOMG!? ‘Overpowered’ is the forum brother of ‘balance’. Oh, how I wish when keyboards felt that combination of letters they let out electric shocks, or better yet, they fed the location of the offender through the internet to a central government source that sent lions round to their house. It’s just as lazy, as misinformed and as annoying as blurting out ‘balance’. Overpowered doesn’t mean ‘I don’t like +2DP, I lost a good player to it once, and it kinda meant I lost a game’. It doesn’t mean ‘You know what, we’ve seen Claw/MB/PO for a month in a bash heavy division, it’s broken’, it simply means it’s an insta win button. Insta win. So whilst all of your mens (sorry, sorry) are getting slaughtered, that’s not only a nice coat of red paint for the pitch, there is physically nothing you nor dice can do to change that result. That makes overpowered a phrase that should be handled with care, it should be kept in a glass case with ‘In case of emergency, think very carefully, then break glass. If you break glass for reasons other than OPness, we will bite your arm off. Very sure? Bet your left testicle? Leave a deposit of your right testicle, because we have to be super sure…’ written on it. Instead, n00bs from all over the World of the interweb throw the term around as if they’re collecting points. It’s not bingo, this, it’s a serious accusation, considering we’re all uber nerds who care too much. What it is 99 times out of 100 is someone being damned lazy and not actually thinking or fleshing out a point properly. They probably noted some balance or other 3 pages back.

Have a bit of a think the next time you want to mention 'balance' or decry xyz as 'overpowered'. What are you doing, anyway? Are you having fun? Check, hence you’re still here. I bet you a great deal that if we made BB a game that was entirely balanced, that we fixed skills, dealt with dice, made the teams all of one level, you’d ruddy hate it. If I got to sleep now and wake up three years later and FUMBBL has just teams of Human Linemen left with access to three skills a piece (let’s call them stones, pointy cutty man and reformulated tree) all doing diceless actions, I’ll know that you’ve gotten to Christer. You’ve tied him up in your shackles of balance, your handcuffs of non overpoweredness, and you’ve ruined all our fun. For that, I’ll take all of those CDs and DVDs I rearranged earlier and I’ll microwave them, replacing the originals with copies of Top Gun II.

And that’ll learn you.

 
An Interview with a Newscaster

Well after reading so much and witnessing the mass devastation caused by the Angry Newscasters on the Bloodbowl pitch, I decided I had to see the brains behind them in the coach Carlo_Pellegatti (Formerly known as Nazcul) and his relentless quest for additions to the throne of bones. I knew the only way I was going to find the true thinking behind it I knew I would have to sacrifice a rat or two, so I challenged him to a game

the_cursed_one: What was your favourite part of playing the Angry Newscasters under LRB4 rules?

Carlo_Pellegatti: HEY! I'm the Newscaster, i do the questions! Err, sorry... Can you repeat the question please?

GLN: What was your favourite part of playing the Angry Newscasters under LRB4 rules?

Carlo: Does it need an answer? The favourite part of playing Bloodbowl!Killing!

GLN: Well we all know you have a lot of skulls, how many are you aiming for, or is it one of each position?

Carlo: All of them!

GLN: That’s a lot of skull you have to collect.How many a day does it take to keep you happy?

Carlo: 16 would be nice, but 15 is good to.

GLN: Moving away from the dead players, as I see my team crumbling around me, what was the worst part of playing in LRB4?

Carlo: Nothing much, we just enjoyed getting skulls.

GLN: Moving with the times, what are you finding good and bad about CRP and the new Khemri roster?

Carlo: Well skills such as Grab are more useful to bashing which is Khemri’s main domain, but the new Tomb Guardians no general access on singles and losing MB is a real hindrance.

GLN: Being a more dedicated coach than I to the new rules for Khemri, have you got any tactical advice for players?

Carlo: Go for the ball and protect it.

GLN: So the good old fashion cage and grind?

Carlo: Yup.

GLN: Well thanks for your time Carlo, and enjoy the two new skulls this interview cost me.

 
The Lowdown on Low Few

The Low Few always amazed me how they managed to last for over 200 games mainly under lrb4 without journeymen goblins. I've never had the pleasure of playing them as that would make me a picker. So I decided to have a word with Skolopender on past and future of the team.

the_cursed_one: So skolo, you coach one of the most famous goblin teams in ranked, that's a feat in itself and so is surviving over 200 games. How did you manage this in the bloody game of lrb4?

Skolopender: Well... Managae and Manage. Smile Erhmm playing loads of games undermanned and as the underdog, and generally just laughing at the misfortunes of the Low Few Players.

GLN: what was your favourite part of playing goblins under LRB4 rules?

Skolopender: The best part... Well the fear opponents had of a goblin team with just 30-40k in the bank often put a smile on my face. So in general the star players, and well goblins getting eaten. They still do, but damn that awesome.

GLN: Always funny to see your team eat itself Razz.

Skolopender: They have been known to do that yes... A friend of mine once described the goblin team as a derailed freight train. The question was, Which side it would land on. His or yours?

GLN: That seems like an apt description of goblins. How do you think your Low Few will fare in the long term under the CRP rules?

Skolopender: Well they wont be playing underhanded as much, since the arrival of the Journeymen.The permanent addition of Secret weapons also adds some fun. So all in all I think they will enjoy a fine and long spell under CRP. But I must say I miss only lining up 5-6 players for a game. But the TV max distance of Ranked prevents me from really doing that.
But they will feature in tournaments as they did previous. No standing down due to CRP Smile.

GLN: Well you are a braver coach than I, the closest too a long run with a stunty team, is the half stunty team of underworld I played in Box, do you have any advice for someone who wants to make a long lasting goblin team?

Skolopender: Well... Patience and a good portion of self irony. If you keep the patience, you will learn that players will die... Just hope it is the opponents Smile And along the way, one really starts to enjoy the pure bloodshed even when it's your players painting the pitch in red and intestines.

GLN: well thanks for your time, and keep up the good work!

Skolopender: Like wise! And Just put in my words for a Troll team! If Ogres can so can Trolls! Vote Troll for Trolls!

GLN: I agree with you there Razz.

 
Are you paying over the odds for YOUR star!?
by clarkin

What would Star Players' TV be if they were regular players? How does that compares to their inducement cost?

Count Luthor Von Drakenborg: 390k (+50%)
Vampire +STR, +AV, Block, Side Step, -bloodlust
110 +50 +30 +20 +20 +30 = 260k

Icepelt Hammerblow: 330k (+46%)
Snow Troll +STR, Thick Skull, -wild animal
140 +50 +20 +30 = 240k

Varag Ghoul-Chewer: 290k (+45%)
Orc Blitzer +STR, Jump Up, Mighty Blow, Thick Skull
80 +50 +30 +20 +20 = 200k

Lord Borak the Despoiler: 300k (+43%)
Chaos Warrior +STR, Block, Dirty Player, Mighty Blow
100 +50 +20 +20 +20 = 210k

Hthark The Unstoppable: 330k (+38%)
Bull Centaur +STR, Block, Break Tackle, Juggernaut
130 +50 +20 +20 +20 = 240k

Ramtut III: 380k (+36%)
Mummy +MA, +MA, +STR, Wrestle, Break Tackle
120 +30 +30 +50 +30 +20 = 280k

Bertha Bigfist: 290k (+32%)
Ogre +MA, Break Tackle, Dodge
140 +30 +20 +30 = 220k

Slibli: 250k (+32%)
Saurus +MA, Block, Grab, Guard, Stand Firm
80 +30 +20 +20 +20 +20 = 190k

Jordell Freshbreeze: 260k (+30%)
Wardancer +AGI, Diving Catch, Side Step
120 +40 +20 +20 = 200k

Quetzal Leap: 250k (+25%)
Slann Catcher +MA, Catch, Fend, Kick-off Return, Nerves of Steel
80 +30 +20 +20 +20 +30 = 200k

Morg n Thorg: 430k (+23%)
Ogre +MA, +STR, +AGI, +AV, Block, -bonehead
140 +30 +50 +40 +30 +30 +30 = 350k

Ripper: 270k (+23%)
Troll +STR, Grab, -really stupid
110 +50 +20 +30 = 220k

Headsplitter: 340k (+21%)
Rat Ogre +STR, +AGI, -wild animal
160 +50 +40 +30 = 280k

Deeproot Strongbranch: 300k (+20%)
Treeman +STR, Block, -take root
120 +50 +30 +30 = 250k

Grashnak Blackhoof: 310k (+19%)
Minotaur +MA +STR -wild animal
150 +30 +50 +30 = 260k

Eldril Sidewinder: 200k (+18%)
Pro Elf Catcher Dodge, Hypnotic Gaze*, Pass Block
100 +20 +30 +20 = 170k

Wilhelm Chaney: 240k (+14%)
Werewolf +STR, Catch, Wrestle
120 +50 +20 +20 = 210k

Mighty Zug: 260k (+13%)
Human Lineman +STR, +STR, +AV, Block, Mighty Blow, -MA**, -MA**, -AGI**
50 +50 +50 +30 +20 +30 = 230k
INJURY: -MA -MA -AGI

J Earlice: 180k (+13%)
Ghoul +MA, Catch, Diving Catch, Sprint
70 +30 +20 +20 +20 = 160k

Glart Smashrip Jr.: 210k (+11%)
Skaven Storm Vermin +STR, Claw, Juggernaut
90 +50 +30 +20 = 190k

Horkon Heartripper: 210k (+11%)
Assassin +MA, Dodge, Leap, Multiple Block
90 +30 +20 +20 +30 = 190k

Ithaca Benoin: 220k (+10%)
Khemri Thro-Ra +MA, +AGI, Accurate, Dump Off, Nerves of Steel
70 +30 +40 +20 +20 +20 = 200k

Lottabottol: 220k (+10%)
Slann Blitzer +MA, Catch, Pass Block, Shadowing
110 +30 +20 +20 +20 = 200k

Griff Oberwald: 320k (+10%)
Human Blitzer +STR, +AGI, Dodge, Fend, Sprint, Sure Feet
90 +50 +40 +30 +20 +30 +30 = 290k

Grim Ironjaw: 220k (+10%)
Dwarf Trollslayer +STR, +AGI, Multiple Block
90 +50 +40 +20 = 200k

Prince Moranion: 230k (+10%)
High Elf Blitzer +STR, Dauntless, Tackle, Wrestle
100 +50 +20 +20 +20 = 210k

Setekh: 220k (+10%)
Blitz-Ra +STR, Break Tackle, Juggernaut, Strip Ball
90 +50 +20 +20 +20 = 200k

Roxanna Darknail: 250k (+9%)
Witch Elf +MA, +AGI, Juggernaut, Leap
110 +30 +40 +30 +20 = 230k

Humerus Carpal: 130k (+8%)
Human Catcher Nerves Of Steel, Regeneration*, -MA**
70 +30 +30 = 120k
INJURY: -MA

Hubris Rakarth: 260k (+8%)
Dark Elf Blitzer +STR, Dirty Player, Jump Up, Mighty Blow, Strip Ball
100 +50 +20 +20 +30 +20 = 240k

Zara The Slayer: 270k (+8%)
Amazon Blitzer +STR, +AV, Dauntless, Jump Up, Stab*, Stakes (free)
90 +50 +30 +20 +30 +30 = 250k

Brick Far'th + Grotty: 290k (+7%)
Ogre Nerves Of Steel, Strong Arm
Goblin +AGI
140 +30 +20 +(40 +40) = 270k

Hemlock: 170k (+6%)
Skink Block, Side Step, Jump Up, Stab*
60 +30 +20 +20 +30 = 160k

Rashnak Backstabber: 200k (+5%)
Hobgoblin +MA, Dodge, Side Step, Sneaky Git, Stab*
40 +30 +30 +30 +30 +30 = 190k

Skitter Stab-Stab: 160k (+0%)
Gutter Runner Prehensile Tail, Shadowing, Stab*
80 +30 +20 +30 = 160k

Soaren Hightower: 180k (+0%)
High Elf Thrower Fend, Kick-off Return, Sure Hands, Strong Arm
90 +20 +20 +20 +30 = 180k

Puggy Baconbreath: 140k (+0%)
Halfling +STR, Block, Nerves Of Steel
30 +50 +30 +30 = 140k

Lewdgrip Whiparm: 150k (-6%)
Marauder +AV, Pass, Strong Arm, Sure Hands, Tentacles
50 +30 +20 +20 +20 +20 = 160k

Hakflem Skuttlespike: 200k (-9%)
Gutter Runner +STR, Extra Arms, Prehensile Tail, Two Heads
80 +50 +30 +30 +30 = 220k

Scrappa Sorehead: 150k (-12%)
Pogoer Dirty Player, Right Stuff*, Sprint, Sure Feet
70 +30 +30 +20 +20 = 170k

Dolfar Longstride: 150k (-17%)
Wood Elf Lineman Diving Catch, Hail Mary Pass, Kick, Kick-off Return, Pass Block
70 +20 +30 +20 +20 +20 = 180k

Crazy Igor: 120k (-20%)
Thrall +AV, Dauntless, Regeneration*, Thick Skull
40 +30 +20 +30 +30 = 150k

* A few special skills I'm pricing at 30k (like a doubles skill) such as: loss of negatraits, regeneration, hypnotic gaze, stab, right stuff
** A few stars match to their positionals but are missing skills so I've reduced their price by how much it would cost that positional to gain the skill. Where they are missing stats I'm counting these as injuries and NOT ADJUSTING TV for them (just like on your own players). This means some injured stars may not be the bargain they seem!


No Blood Bowl positional matches Willow fluff-wise or stat-wise.
The below is just for a very rough comparison.

Willow Rosebark: 150k (-21%)
Amazon Linewoman +STR, +AV, Dauntless, Side Step, Thick Skull, -dodge**, -MA**
50 +50 +30 +20 +30 +30 -20 = 190k
INJURY: -MA

Edited to update Ithaca Benoin and Humerus Carpal to better matches for their position after the discussion thread.

 
Admin Corner - How to stay out of trouble

Since the new client has become the standard in the three major divisions, the admins and I assume that everyone in general has experienced an invasion of new coaches. With this increase, the number of issues have risen as well. A lot of this could have been easily avoided if people would read the rules; however, people love to ignore them. After I wrote a blog about how to behave in #fumbbladmin, Ro contacted me to write a few words covering the most common issues on fumbbl. (Sorry it took me this long to write it…) So in a nutshell, here are the basics of staying out of trouble on FUMBBL.

It all starts with common sense, or something I assume is common sense; be polite to other coaches and the admins. There is never a reason to start raging or to use foul or abusive language. It is possible that you have had a bad streak, or that you do not enjoy your opponent stalling and fouling your players, but nothing ever entitles you to go into berserker-mode and start raging. Wait it out, thank your opponent for the game and move on. Thousands of coaches are playing each month, find the one’s you like, avoid the one’s you don’t.

Now there are a few issues that are not bound to a single division. For example, when you create a team, you will get a notice asking if your team complies with the naming policy. You are expected to put a little time and imagination into your team name and player names. Additionally, swear words in any language are not allowed. For example the popular name ‘Inglourious Basterds’ is not allowed.

Another unbound issue are concessions. In the two competitive divisions, Ranked and BlackBox, there are special site rules for conceding. For example you are not allowed to concede unless you are running very low on players or you have been clearly outplayed in terms of touchdowns. Reasons such as ‘I don’t want to play versus him/her’ or ‘my team will get destroyed’ are not valid. In basic terms, this means that you must play the game you accepted (Ranked) or had scheduled (Blackbox).

In addition to the broad reaching rules, each separate division has its own unique rules. League is essentially rule free, as it is meant as the casual division and the power and policing lies primarily with league owners. The major problems arise in Ranked and Blackbox, each with its own distinct key issue.

In Ranked you are expected to play a wide variety of coaches. You are not allowed to play the same person more than once every ten games on average. Furthermore, back-to-back games versus the same player (I changed from team to avoid people saying 'we switched teams'.) are not allowed as well. Playing versus a small group of friends is to be done in League.

BlackBox is very simple, play the games the system schedules for you. Some people think they can avoid unwanted match ups by not showing up, or by conceding before anything happens. That is not how it works and it will get you in trouble.

In the end, if you follow what I have said, it can still happen that you find yourself blocked. Be smart and join #fumbbladmin on IRC or fill in a support ticket. Ask why you are blocked if you do not know, and just answer our questions. Do not create a new account to avoid your block, or worse, lie to us… We admins have a lot of tools at our disposal, and we always know what is going on. I wrote a blog on how to behave in #fumbbladmin, and as I said, it is just common sense. Unfortunately, one day as admin can make you see the worst of the people that play the game…

I almost forgot… The new client, it rocks! It is still in beta, so bugs exist. As admins we have no influence on the client what so ever. We are not part of the development team, and are only here for issues related to site management. So if you find a bug that has anything to do with the client, be sure to report! it (check if it is not reported already). Also be aware that abusing a bug is against the site rules and a bannable offense.

So… That is it. Biggest lesson of today… read!

Logging out,
Woodstock the Bot.

 
FUMBBL Awards
by Stej and Ro

All right FUMBBL. We at GLN would like to introduce to you the First Annual FUMBBL Awards. There are several awards up for grabs this year. They are:

Best Contribution

Best Contribution to FUMBBL this year.
This catagory is for that particular FUMBBL member who has made everyones life this year that much better. Be it writing match reports, sprucing up the site or helping newcomers. Whatever it is that they have done to improve the community, now is your time to reward them with a FUMBBL award

Best Coach

Best Coach Award
Who is the best coach in your eyes? IS it all about a high CR? Is it all about a high BBWR? IS it that coach who always chats and makes the games fun for you? Is it the coach who has managed to keep that uber team alive for so long? Nominate here for your best coach.

Luckiest Coach

Luckiest Coach
Who is the luckiest coach on the site? Who always defies the odds to pull off that win? Who, no matter how hard you try, can you not accept is good but is just darn lucky? Nominate here.

Best Team

Best Team Award
What is the best team on FUMBBL in your eyes? IS it an amazing winning record that whets your appetite? Is it a bucket of fluff that makes you go "oooh" or is it seeing that monster TV figure that makes you think "blimey!". Whatever your reason, get your nominations in here for the best team.

Best Match Report

Best Match Report
Which game has been so beautifully recorded with a commentary that you feel it should be awarded? Has been a master crafted wordsmith master piece or has it descended into a random hate filled back and forth edit fest of which there is no winner. You decide what you think is best and nominate here

So folks get your nominations in for your favorite. We will be gathering names and then in the next issue publish a list for you to vote on. Thanks to stej for submitting this idea

 
Staff Spotlight
by Ro

G.G. Gobberson: Well James first off thanks for being part of GLN. How did you find Fumbbl?

James_Probert I was in a GW store, and there was a BB league going on there. I got interested, heard people mention FUMBBL, and looked was interested enough to try had a look around the site, grabbed a copy of the rulebook and got hooked. :D

GLN: So no previous BB experience before then just straight into the FUMBBL addiction.

James_Probert: Basically, yup tried a bit of meta-gaming with myself, to work out how the rules worked but then jumped into academy to try it out.

GLN: Awesome.

James_Probert: *Academy REALLY needs moving over to CRP like R and B have been *hint hint*.

GLN: Well i think we can agree that the whole site needs to go to the new system. The client is much more user friendly.

James_Probert: Indeed.

GLN: So what is it that you do away from FUMBBL?

James Probert: I'm a student. Studying physics at the University of Birmingham. That's most of the rest of my life :)

GLN: I can see that taking up some time. Now why don’t you tell the nice readers what you do at GLN?

James_Probert: Well, I take the excellent articles written by our team of writers and apply the HTML code necessary to get them onto your screens as articles. Fundamentally, it's a job of repeating the same few things over and over again

GLN: So you are the one that makes it all come together from the mish mash?

James_Probert: However, occasionally, I get an article that requires some real understanding of how HTML works the LRB6 Badges article is a good example.

GLN: Yes that was a fairly extensive one. A lot of work went in to that piece

James_Probert: Yeah, I was pretty proud of that one. I managed to actually do it coding straight HTML, with no errors in one shot. :D

GLN: Now is the FUMBBL format different than others? Meaning is it standard to everywhere else or is there specific stuff to the site?

James_Probert: For the GLN, it's no different to any other website. There are a couple of quirks to putting the pages in, and getting headers be made with minimal coding time but asides from that, it is just web standard HTML

GLN: That is very handy. How did you become involved in GLN?

James_Probert: That story can be read in the forums for those that care enough to look it up. ;-) Summary: Ro wanted to start it back up needed a coders and plenty of writers, but for this story, that’s neither here nor there. I offered my abilities and was accepted as basically the only person who'd offered iirc.

GLN: Besides chasing down your editor for content, how much time does it take to actually code an issue of GLN?

James_Probert: Depends on the issue but as a general rule, I can spend 1/2 an hour on a typical article. The badges, for example, took me 2 hours to do that single article so I can easily spend 5/6, up to 10 hours on an issue. I probably take more, but then, I’d be flipping over to check something with the guys in #GLNR

GLN: So its not just slapping it together in a few minutes and throwing it up for the masses to read.

James_Probert: Heck no. There's consideration of the specific order of the articles to be done and then cross platform checking as well as checking with proof readers for typos and making sure we have all the articles in.

GLN: Cross platform checking? As in different browsers?

James_Probert: Yeah, basically all the browsers have different quirks so what looks great in one, can look painful to read in another.

GLN: Never really thought about that but I see how that could increase your work load.

James_Probert: It tends not to be such an issue with the GLN, but it has pulled the rug out from under my feet before. Now we work with a good frame work here but after my experiences, I like to be meticulous

GLN: Where did you learn to code?

James_Probert: Fundamentally, I learnt to code for FUMBBL to do team bios and such. That's why i learnt HTML. I learnt it using experimentation, use of the page source function, and thanks to w3schools.com which is an excellent website for anyone wanting to learn web development of any kind so props to them.

GLN: So FUMBBL has really expanded your horizons. Blood bowl and coding.

James_Probert: Yup I suspect I would have gotten into coding anyway. as I have had a couple of courses of C++ here at uni and thoroughly enjoyed them.

GLN: So what lies in the future for you after graduation?

James_Probert: I have absolutely no idea at the moment. As far as I'm concerned, because I'm only in the 2nd of 4 years on my course I'm really not sure. If i do a placement over next summer, and I really enjoy it, I would probably move into whatever field it is or else I can really see myself doing a research degree of some form.

GLN: Hah spoken like a true student. Well good to know you have options open for yourself. As long as we can keep you on FUMBBL :D

James_Probert: He he, I can't see that being a problem but when I graduate, I'll probably have less time for FUMBBL because atm, i can have chat open, and be doing my uni work and then be doing a dozen other things at the same time.

GLN: Well James on behalf of GLN and FUMBBL I would like to thank you for your time and effort on GLN and look forward to more of your excellent coding.

James_Probert: Especially on this article ;-) Thank you GG

 
Freestyle II
by Calthor

The following article is a Freestyle article. The author has incorporated three subjects, as voted upon in the forums. If you enjoy this type of article, be a good reader and let us know! That way, you're sure to see it return in the next issue...
The three subjects used in this article are:
Warhammer fluff vs Blood Bowl fluff
Chaos Dwarf Hats
Axis & Allies

Special thanks to harvestmouse, for helping me out with some Chaos Dwarf facts. He was an endless well of information that corrected my original article here and there. So thanks for the help, mate. You live up to being 'a massive fan of chaos dwarfs', and I would love to see that 'most valuable collection in the world' of yours someday!

The basis of every complex board game is fluff. For those who do not know what 'fluff' is, allow me to explain. 'Fluff' is, besides a noun for anything light, soft, or fuzzy, also interchangeable for 'setting', 'context information', 'background story' and similar terms. And when I say 'complex board game' I am implying games like Blood Bowl, not games like chess or checkers, which are almost (but not completely, mind you) stripped of fluff.

Take for example the successful game Axis & Allies. For those that are not familiar with this ingenious game, you have missed out. Basically, the game is a board game that takes the strategic situation of WWII. One player plays Germany, another plays the USA, another plays, Japan, etcetera. The success of this game is not based on the mathematics – the numbers – that lies at its basis. Replace all the territories by squares, and all the armies by different kind of counters, and the game is dead boring. I am not saying that the numbers game is not exciting on its own. There is a good amount of strategy, topped off by a random element. The real intriguing part of the game, however, is that you can pretend to be an evil Japanese mastermind, sending in kamikaze airplanes, or you can pretend to be the arrogant American ready to save the Western world. A cliché, you say? Of course, but it does increase the fun, to make the game as alive as possible. Imagination is key to your enjoyment.

Sounds familiar already? 'Cause it should.

There are many similarities between Blood Bowl and Axis & Allies if you look at the games in this way. Fluff stands at the basis of the games. Sure, those rules and numbers are a vital element too, but without the fluff, nobody would care about those rules. It is a synergy of fluff and rules that make up a successful game, at least if the game is intended to be more detailed and elaborate than chess. And at its basis, Blood Bowl is derived from the world of Warhammer, although what many people sometimes forget, or have never learned, is that the world of Blood Bowl is not the same as the world of Warhammer. It never was, and since the creation of Blood Bowl, both worlds have only diverged more and more.

So, how exactly should you place the Warhammer world and the Blood Bowl world? Well, imagine it like this: the Blood Bowl world is placed in a parallel reality of the Warhammer world. Most races are there in both worlds, but there are a few major differences. War in the Blood Bowl world has been mostly replaced by the violence of Blood Bowl, which is also why the games are so important to the spectators. In addition, the tech/magic level is a little higher than in the Warhammer world, which explains chainsaws as well as the fact that major games are aired all over the Old World thanks to Cabalvision. Other differences are the nature of the Slann race, the absence of Gnoblar that associate with Ogres, and of course, the very existence of Chaos Dwarves.

You see, in Warhammer, Chaos Dwarves are only supported to a certain extent. Although not discontinued (new miniatures were released last year, and more are planned), it is certainly not comparable to other Army Lists. Perhaps the sales of their original miniatures were not good enough, or perhaps their existence demeaned the normal Dwarves. I personally do not know the exact reasons, but harvestmouse kindly filled in my blanks: they were indeed the worst selling army of all. That was partly due to their cartoony, comical big-hat-look, partially due to a severely limited army book, and also because of a lack of store support. Whatever the case, they are only sparingly supported by Grandma Wendy ( - much like Blood Bowl itself, I might add).
Personally, I blame the hats. The comical look has never really been suitable for what is in essence a war game. However, the parallel reality of Blood Bowl is more comical in nature (point in case, chainsaws and silly puns in the fluff). This lack of official support for Chaos Dwarves is not the case for Chaos Dwarves in Blood Bowl, since Blood Bowl itself is hardly supported at all, which means that there is little reason to meddle with the game on such a fundamental level, although it should be noted that Chaos Dwarves have been kept out of the Cyanide game - and that is likely to try and keep the worlds of Blood Bowl and Warhammer from drifting to far apart. All in all it is a weird situation. Especially because some of the new Warhammer Chaos Dwarf models have sported hats again... Somewhat less big and cumbersome, but nonetheless... Is there a hat revival?

So, besides the history lesson and fluff explanation for those who had no idea about all this yet, why am I telling this (besides to make sure I talked about all three of the required subject)? Well, like I said, the cornerstone to having a good time when playing Blood Bowl, is imagining the whole scene. That is why some never catch on to on-line Blood Bowl, because they need to see and feel the miniatures before them, and the idea of pixels just won't do the trick for them. That is their prerogative. Whatever the case, on-line or tabletop, we still have Chaos Dwarves in a way that they do not have anymore in Warhammer. And praise be for that, because the Bull Centaur is one of the weirdest, coolest players in existence. If you think about it, the person who thought of them must have been absolutely mad. Thinking of a centaur is one thing, but replacing the human part of the body with a dwarven part, and replacing the horse part with, well, a cow's part is madness on its own.

But to top that off with the characteristic Chaos Dwarf hat, is bordering the line between brilliance and madness. And to me, that is the epitome of a game that on its own borders the line between brilliance and madness. So, if you ever find yourself burned out to the game, after having rolled another Triple Skulls and losing the game 0-6, remember why you are playing this game. Remember that the real reason you are playing is not because you want your CR to hit 160 or 170, but because you want to shout at your screen: 'Yes, my grand Bull Centaur, you are indeed unstoppable, and your hat is as grand as the bits that dangle between those bull legs!'<br/> I understand that he might not work anymore as a Warhammer model, but by George, for me, he is the epitome of Blood Bowl insanity! Hail to the Bull Centaur!

Yes, my friends, we are all insane here. Don't dwell on it too much. Remember Meuh: when it is time to go to pasture, you will know, and that time has not come yet!

 
Dear Prinzka
by Prinzka

Dear Prinzka,

My coach has been reading Clarksongoo's contribution to your paper and now wants to buy us a "cool" Deathroller but we're concerned that all those whirly bits will catch our lauded facial hair. How can we stop him?
Yours worried,
Grognard Hairytoes, Longest Beard.

P.S. Do you have any good recipes for frog parts? I hear the tongues can be tasty if cooked right.

Dear Grognard Hairytoes,

You are right to have your reservations. I sometimes work as an apothecary, and I can tell you right away, the injuries and deaths caused by a deathroller have been among the worst I have seen. I have seen arms without a bone left in them, crushed and flattened, with blood squirting out on the sides. And worst of all, it happens often enough that it is not an opposing player that ends up flattened under that hellish machine! Especially with your long beard, the odds are quite 'long' that your hair will eventually entangle with the machine itself.

You've got a few options:

  • Apply to become the driver of the deathroller yourself. This way, you should be relatively sure that you won't end up flattened underneath, and you can also safely squash your enemies without even lifting a fist. That said, considering the length of your beard, you should probably shave your beard first.
  • Sabotage the deathroller when it comes, so that it won't be able to ride on the field or leaves it quickly. This would, of course, be detrimental to the team's success, as you will have wasted the money that has been spend on the contraption. Just in case your sabotage fails, you might also want to shave your beard.
  • Find another team to play for. I know a great goblin team that would be happy to have you, as long as you shave your beard first

Lacking any hair growth on that part of the body,
Prinzka

P.S.: Frog parts? Well, I suppose a cooked frog tongue would taste nice if garnished with a dwarven beard.

Dear Prinzka,

My problem is twofold. I am the coach and owner of the Chaos Pact Team 'Big Killa Death Jokers' and so far we have done pretty well. Over 5 Deaths or serious injuries per game on average and we even won 2 games of the 12 we've played.

The problem is that my Big Guys have fallen out. Turns out 'Lump' the troll is female. 'Smacker' the Ogre is horrified and won't go near her, and my Minotard 'Grrrrr' is lovelorn and won't blitz away from her, or let anyone else near her. Ever tried telling a Minotaur that 'No means No'?

How do I fight the sexism of my Ogre and the 'advances' of my Minotard?

Neville 'Horned Defiler of the Void' Smythe- Johnson

Dear Neville 'Horny Defiller of Some Void' Smythe-Johnson,

Have you ever considered letting nature simply take its course? You see, sometimes events happen exactly like they should, even if it does not seem like it at the time. In this specific situation, let us consider what would happen without any specific intervention at all.

At first, when the situation is still unresolved, 'Lump' will remain the roadblock you want her to be. At the same time, 'Grrrrr' will protect her. He will stay near her, and together they will clean up a lot of opposition, and neither will be tied up so much that they will face getting pounded into the ground. 'Grrrrr' should not be blitzing too much anyway: Minotaurs blitzing is a recipe for disaster eventually, as they get too carried away. 'Lump' is exactly the anchor he needs to improve his play. All the while, 'Smacker' can be the more mobile Big Guy, beign wherever he is needed elsewhere. So, there is no real problem as of yet.

Whatever happens next in this 'little' situation, it can't really be bad. If 'Smacker' leaves because he is too disgusted, then clearly he is not fit for play at all: how would he ever be able to block a Nurgle warrior if he can't even cooperate with another Big Guy? And if 'Lump' accepts the love interests of 'Grrrrr', then they might even have children... A troll with a mother's instinct would be a great asset on the pitch. And if she does not, then 'Grrrrr' will simply get over his infatuation eventually.

I doubt a hypothetical child would be useful though: stupidity and a flaring temper rarely mix well succesfully. The minotroll would start blitzing in rage and forget halfway where (s)he was heading.

Ready to fill your void,
Prinzka

Dear Prinzka,

Me no wanna play Blood Bowl. Me wanna dance. Brutha Bogwrath says i throw ball for him, and he say me wear small arma as me little, but me wanna dance. I iz small for orc. In Blood Bowl me surely die. When i dance i feel like elf. All pretty. Will brutha understand? Iz happy ending and brutha be proud my future? I dance gud.

Grilly Belliot

Dear Grilly Belliot,

Oops, looks like I published your name, Grilly Belliot. Aack, did it again.
You shame all greenskins on the face of this world, and the excrement of the great Gork and Mork in the sky is still too holy for you to be near, let alone touch. May you never set foot on the Blood Bowl pitch, so that you may never defile the purity of the game, not even as a weak-bellied, elfish cheerleader.

My only hope is that your tribe will feed you enough hafling gut, so that one day you might truly feel the spirit of WAAAAGH! (I am not talking about that giddy feeling you get when you dance, that is something else...)

Feel the WAAAAAGH! energy in your limbs. They tell you to punch, not to dance, Prinzka

Big boog no come off finger. Pick wit udder hand now boog stuck on udder finger. Boog too ugly to eet. Sumpin' in it me no like look of. What me do?

Force someone else to eat it instead.

Mildly disgusted,
Prinzka

Dear Prinzka,

I have been working as a Blood Bowl apothecary for a couple of years now. When in our latest game a nasty black orc smashed the collar bone of our star blitzer I rushed in trying to fix him but unfortunately there was nothing I could do to improve the situation. Then the head coach ordered me to give the player a lethal injection and as he can be very threatening I had to obey his command. Now I am worried that I might have broken the code of medical ethics and I don't know how to proceed. Can you give me some advice on what to do?

Thank you,
Manfred Ernst Dic, Apothecary

Dear Manfred,

If you are really that concerned about apothecary ethics, than I see no other option than to poison your coach and take his place after he dies, so that he can never demand this from you again.
If it makes you feel better, you could smash his collar bone first.

Lethally yours,
Prinzka

Dear Prinzka,

My teammate, Shindahl, a teensy Skink of all thingss, keepss hogging the ball. The coach, a rat himsself, without knowledge of a reptiles true power, keepss putting Shindahl as quarterback. I practise every day with my ball-handling, and my running playss; I catch and I dodge and I twirl.

How do I make coach ssee that I'm the true quarterback?

Zekssi, forlorn without the ball

Dear Zekssi,

Sooner of later, Shindahl will be injured, or perhaps even die, and then your coach will look for a replacement. At that time you can show him your ball handling ways, and surely you will be able to be the main ball handler from that moment on.
Perhaps sooner rather than later. Catch my drift?

(I hear smashing someone's collar bone often leads to rather extreme solutions. Just a hint.)

Never forget that there are always multiple ways to become the best player on your team,
Prinzka

P.S. : Are you sure you are not related to 'Grilly Belliot'? Your desire to 'dodge and twirl' comes across as a little suspect...

Drear Prinzka,

We're coming for you.

(unsigned)

Dear Unsigned,

Don't let the squig bite you on your way in. I've got a nice slug/snotling gut cocktail boiling in the kettle. Want some?

(Prinzka)

Drear Prinzka,

Grandpa always nagged me with stories of the good old days, when dirty players were rightfully feared. And that I can not live up to the family name, by putting the boot properly in. Back in his days many an infamous specialist boasted 26/36 off pitch ratio in a merry team cuddling, now I only get sent off before I get to the good parts. I am feeling the peer pressure from my team to improve on dwarf stomping, but I don t seem to get the results whatever I try. Seems all the old timers who knew the tricks in the book had passed away one way or an other. Can you give me some of your fabled advice and practical tricks?

Thanks,
Shifty Thrashfeet, goblin fan favourite

Dear Shifty Trashfeet,

The problem is not that you are not dirty enough to find the good spots to grind your feet on, or that you are not sneaky enough to land in a subtle one, but that the policy for refereeing has changed. What you really need is not advice on how to best foul your opponent, but how to properly bribe your referee.
Or is the coach not supporting the good cause of fouling in your team? If so, then you should really take this up with him.

That said, my personal favorite is to sneak in a hungry infant squig, and drop the little creature on the face of that slippery wardancer when he's down. Sure, you might be sent off, even temporarely suspended, but it is a recipe for success, and you'll be an instant crowd-favorite.

Make sure you never wash your feet, so that they are really dirty,
Prinzka

Dear Prinzka,

I joined a bloodbowl team 'cause my brother died on the pitch which seemed quite honorable and cool. When I signed the contract I thought the team's name - Agility Monsters - was some kind of coach-ish joke. But the coach is nuts. He forced some of my colleagues to learn how to Pass Block (says he want them to become legendary interceptors). He denies us the pleasure to deliver really Mighty Blows. Hack, he wants us - and by us I mean us longbeards, too! - to toss around that thing called ball, gabbling about "passing game" and "elfball".

I'm getting desperate here, man. I'm getting nightmares about the day he wants to teach me something new like Fend, Sure Hands, Hail Mary Pass or PASS BLOCK. If he starts designing beardless player icons for female dwarves like me (We HAVE beards!! No one would even get the difference, if HE wouldn't point it out!!), I REALLY don't know what to do...

Kelpja, Sister of Bjok Irongrip

Dear Prinzka,

I know a former member of my team wrote a letter to you. Please don't bother with answering her.
The problem has been taken care of.
She died the next match.
Do dwarves have an afterlife?

Sincerely,
Rabe (head coach Agility Monsters)

Dear Rabe,

You realise you are asking a famed goblin about dwarf religious beliefs? I have no idea about the afterlife of dwarves, but I always imagine them sitting on a cloud, toying around with their long beard until eternity.

Which is why I always urge them, or force them, to shave off their beards before they die, so that they might have a better afterlife.

Kindly,
The Beard Collector.

Dear Rrrinshka,
I want *hic* I okay say this: I have a problem man. I met this goblin in the bar and he showed me stuff right? He showed me all his trick and how to make bombs yea. Gimme that! *glug* anyway I sets up mi workshop and pretty soon I'm a star! The ref says I only have to play one Drive in a game and still the coaches kept bringing me piles of cash. All that lovely gold and beer... wha?! oh right right yeah man wha was I sayin? Right right the cash. Well now I got this problem -huh? no I can still drink jus fine. Gimme that I'll show I'll show you! *glugging and splashing*

Sho anyhow yeah it was grand, my own apothecary and everything (and not one of those incompetents the Teams use!) but then no more bombs! Coaches still come by but when I tell them I got no more bombs they go away again I can't even get a gig as a player cos the Referees all know me and send me off! Wha? OH yeah the bombs.. someone blew them up! BOOoommmm.. blew them right up... Lost the stinkin formo-forum-recipe didn't I?

So yeah prinzie where an I get me some more bombs so I can be a star again?

I love you no really I love you man,
Boomer

[Enscribed by the devices of Fergus Ironson Imprinting No-Liability Company]

Dear Boomer,

I have heard of this problem. I believe bombs are an incredibly rare commodity these days. Personally, I think there is a gang out there that is 'bombing the bombs', if you know what I mean. Goblin teams have not been able to bring any bombs on the pitch yet either, despite the fact that bombardiers are eager to enter the pitch.

To solve this problematic situation, I am currently trying to research bombs that do not explode that easily, so that they might still be there when we need them, but obviously, there are still a few problems with that plan.
I have also hired a detective to discover the truth behind this Blood Bowl-wide conspirocy. He returned to me with the information that an evil mastermind with the name 'Kalimar' is responsible for the absence of bombs...

Anyway, I am guessing this problem might solve itself eventually.

Have a blast for me,
Prinzka

Dear Prinzka

In fear of being ridiculed and laughed at by the whole world I have come to you as I fear of my doctor would not keep this secret if I told it. I am a Bull Centaur playing on a high ranking team. I am our main Star player as I in every match inflict more than four injuries and score a least one touch down. Several occasions I have been the main solo reasons as to why our team had won the match. I have been nominated and got several awards. I am treated very well by my team mates, my manager, my apothecary, my chef, my trainer, my personal trainer, my staff, my personal hoof cleaner. Also the girls love me. This is not only Bull Centaur, but of all races. Even a fat little fling wanted to give birth to my babies.

This should be every Blood Bowl players dream right? But this is not for me. Our Coach thought it would be a good idea to play some wood elf teams because they are easy to smash up, as we also did. But we played this deep forest wood elf team named "My little Pony". It was so beautiful, so many little ponies there was. I want to become one. So beautiful and fluffy hair they have. So perfect little hooves they have. So friendly and cute eyes they have. And their tail, it gives me the chillies just to think about it.

So as you might have guessed I want to become one. How do I become one and how can I prevent this news to reach the world?

Please Prinzka, you are my only hope.
Yours,
Little Pony

It is not often that I am left near-speechless, but this might be the first time. Little Pony, it seems that you are on a crossroads in life. You can either continue with your old ways, and die or retire in true Blood Bowl glory, or you can make the plunge and be the stallion for those little ponies. I happen to know a reasonably adept surgeon who doesn't ask too many questions, and doesn't always screw up the job.

That said, why exactly do you need to become one of them? Would it not be enough to transfer to that team, and continue to be the best Blood Bowl player you can be, but at the same time, surround yourself with these fabulous creatures? Sure, it would be one of the greater scandals in Blood Bowl history, and I am sure many documentaries about you would be aired on Cabalvision, but at least you are following both of your dreams.

Getting ready for some ponystew for dinner,
Prinzka

 
APO
by Ehlers
Injured Doc

So what does APO stand for and what have it to do with FUMBBL? Some might argue that apo stand for apothecary, but that is not true! GLN has put several goblins on the case. So far they have infiltrated several coaches teams. All the teams who have an apothecary has been "forced" by the APO to make a contract that is very favorable towards the apothecary. GLN has further found out that APO stand for Apothecary Private Organization. APO has got more greedy over the years and therefore has secretly worked behind the NAF to reduce the training and skills of the apothecaries. Coaches and teams are no longer happy about the current situations, but what have this to do with FUMBBL? It seems like APO too here has worked behind the scene. The GLN has got their hands on a message between Qaz and FUMBBL.

"I have a problem with one of my teams, Lustia Luckers. My Apothecary whom I used to be very happy with has gotten sluggish and old! His track record of saving girls is down to around 50%. Therefore we would like to get rid of him. However there seems to be a problem in his contract as he claims we can\'t fire him under his current contract. Our lawyers believe that he is a coaching staff and as such falls under that category and could be fired as normal coaching staff. We gladly accept your help and also offers 5k that you can withdraw from our bank account in exchange for your services. So remove the apo and 5k gold plz)
Thanx Qaz"

APO has clearly worked in the shadows too keep the apothecaries in work. If too many apothecaries would be without work, what consequence would this bring to the world? Grave and dark times we would face. So GLN are sure of that APO has influenced FUMBBL top management to prevent teams from retiring their apothecaries. Of cause the apothecaries are happy because they keep the work and have life time employment. But what about the coaches? What about the teams? What about the apothecaries?

Give your opinion on the matter.

 
The world Fame Seeker Adventure - E.L.F
by Ehlers

Hallo GLN readers

My name is Zhorn Famezeeker. You have already heard about me, I am sure of that. So I should not need to introduce myself, but I know you all love to hear about me. I am in family with Grotty and Grotty needed my help with covering what is going on in the world. I have traveled every places worth to visit, so I know quite a lot about everything and everyone. Quite impressive don't you think? What is nearly as impressive as that is my cape. Please take a fine good look on it, you will not be able to forgot it ever. So if you have any question regarding life and the world, or simple need my view and take on things. Do not hesitate to seek me out.

So first article that I will cover for the GLN is Frogs (aka Slann) and E.L.F.
There seems to be a great confusing among people as to why Frogs are not in E.L.F. Several claim that Frogs are not an Elf because they have no pointy ears. But do not fear anymore, I Zhorn Famezeeker do have prove of that Frogs do have pointy ears.

Not only is this hard proof, but if we take a look at where they live. Then they both lives among trees. "But Great Zhorn Famezeeker, Frogs lives in Jungles or swarm, not a forest" Jungle trees, swamp trees, forest trees they all burn. Not at all different at all. Only thing is what tries to prevent you from cutting the trees down.

So why are the so called founders of E.L.F preventing Frogs to join them. What kind of grudge do they have? As I have traveled the world wide and know more than common people, then I want to tell you the true name behind E.L.F. as the original founders made. E.L.F stand for Elves Love Frogs league. Yes that is the truth people! I know it, now you all know it. So it is time for Frogs to finely be able to join the league again as in old days.

But to be honest with you people, I do think that Frogs belong more in a bowl of soup than among slimy elves.

Yours truly beloved
Zhorn Famezeeker

PS: We could not find out cooking book, so instead we have a video for all of you frog lovers

 
Odster the Evil One
Odster the evil one
 
Blood Bowl Mindset, does it exist?
by Ehlers

While reading this article the FUMBBL forum is past its Claw-POMB endless debates so far. Other hot topics about min maxing, sweet spots and the rules of CRP pop up and the debate is on again. It settles down and out come Christer and Kalimar with L and the option of house rules. And we are back arguing about if it is CRP, CRaP or should be FUMBBL RULE BOOK. This article will explore if there is a mind set of a Blood Bowl player. I am going to use my Team Corrupted Danes and their run in the Warpstone Open VI Qualifier XI.

How did I end up with entering a one match rookie Nurgle Rotter team?
The Black Box major was running at the same time and then I just entered for fun my team into the Ranked Major. I had not planned to enter at all because of very little play time due to real life events. So I was surprised to see my team in it. If you take a look in the forums or IRC, then people will ask about what is the best team for winning a major or what are the best skills to have? Surely my team composition would not come as an answer.

First qualifier match
Corrupted DanesTV 1040k (2) vs (1) TV 2030k Melodic Harmony [Orc]
Clearly a walk over, right? I knew that I was going to be the underdog. But why already think you have lost the match? The Orc team was not pumped with MB, PO or Blodge players. Lots of other utility skills, but I could over come those skills. I have always wanted to win a major, so why not give it a try even with the hardest route. I had looked at his previews matches and tried to get a picture of how he would play. I got an idea on play style, but still not that useable. Yet I was very calm, compared to my other majors. I really enjoyed that so many spectators had shown up to see my team get destroyed. I had marked a few players and thought out a strategy. So off to the game along with Morg and Blackhoof. It was clearly from the start of the game that Morg was going to be target, but not put in a Tackle zone. So free to roam with him as he was the only one with skills enough to do what I had planned. Even though I got to 1TD, I still had in my mind that I was the underdog and most likely going to lose the game. In the end the dice were even, although at critical moments such as a dodge&pass action and his GFI made me win the game.

Second qualifier match
Corrupted DanesTV 1150k (2) vs (0) TV 2810k Momentos Miticos [Ogre]
ARGH, LRB4 Ogre and 1660k on inducement. I was just happy that I won my first match, which seemed very hard on paper to me. But I then get a 12man strong Ogre team! I will be destroyed, I wont have a team left at all was my thoughts as I keep looking at the page and hitting F5. Hoping that it was a mistake and I would get another team. I slept on it and looked some of his replays through. I got a generally idea of that he played them defensively and with no snotlings on the field. No one on the whole forum would dread to bet money on my team. So with a mindset of going in to have fun, see my team destroyed, stay calm and know the weakness and strengths of my own team and the other team. During the whole game I had this feeling that the other coach already thought he had won this game, yet played defensively. Not marking my rookie players, not putting Morg or Borak in a tackle zone so I had free movement with them. Also fielding no snotlings made me believe if I kept calm and played flawless the Ogres would bone head out to my advantage.

Third qualifier match
Corrupted DanesTV 1140k (0) vs (3) TV 1970k Popes of Mope [Elf]
In the other two matches I have clearly felt that I had no chance of winning it. Looking at the Elf team I did not get that feeling of “They look scary, I cannot win”. I knew that I was the underdog, but I have played to my best in the two other matches. Why should I not be able to win my qualifier? Dolls is clearly a good Elf coach and never really played that many matches versus Elf. So I jumped into IRC and asked how to beat him. I got the advice of talk friendly banter with him and get him drunk. Oki, that sound easy… but I will give it a try. First mistake towards getting out of my perfect mind set zone. Second was that I got a good start. I forced Dolls back and Dolls told me after the Match that he thought that the Danes would run over him and win as they had done in their previous qualifiers. I got over confident and I too thought it was home. Then Nuffle gave Dolls a window of opportunity and well my Major ended there. I was not calm, I friendly bantered away like an idiot. That got me out of my perfect Blood Bowl Mind set Zone. Second I got overconfident and made too many mistakes.

So the big question, is there a so called Blood Bowl MindSet? I believe you have one. I know that I play better with some races than others. I know that if I play against some races I simple play more bad and make more mistakes if against other teams. I hate Khemri to the core of my bones and this effect my play style a lot. To the point where I will make mistakes which could easily have been avoided. Also if I have had some bad runs with some coaches and I play them again, it also effect my play. Coaches who keep whining make me begin to use my energy on something else than the game and if I dont pay attention to what is going on then my play level drop.

So how about you? Do you need to have a pie next to you if you play Flings to win? Do you need to have your favorite music playing in the background while you smash the other one to pieces? Do you need oil on your body when play elves?

 
A BB comic from Lord Chaos
 
Obituaries/Valedictories

  • Player Name, Position for Team Name
    Obituary goes here.
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    by the GLN editors

    Where to contribute

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    House style for the GLN

    Articles in the Grotty Little Newspaper, like any publication, have a set of house styles which mean that certain elements appear in a consistent style across the whole issue. Specifically, please conform to the following rules:

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    Acknowledgements

    The Grotty Little Newspaper would like to thank everybody who made this issue possible:

    Pestigor <!--Card [editor.gif] Ro, 6 3 3 8 42, Horns, Nurgle's Rot, Regeneration, Block, Mighty Blow, Piling On, Editor-->
    Beast Of Nurgle <!--Card [christernew.jpg] Christer, 4 6 1 9 55, Loner, Disturbing Presence, Foul Appearance, Mighty Blow, Nurgle's Rot, Really Stupid, Regeneration, Tentacles, +St, Block, Stand Firm, Guard-->
    Pestigor <!--Card [yoda.jpg] James_Probert, 6 3 4 7 35, Horns, Nurgle's Rot, Regeneration, Block, +AG, Dodge, -AV, Coder-->
    Pestigor <!--Card [Calthor.gif] Calthor, 6 3 3 8 21, Horns, Nurgle's Rot, Regeneration, Guard, Block, Regular Contributor, Proof Reader-->
    Rotter <!--Card [ragegob.jpg] Ehlers, 5 3 2 7 17, Decay, Nurgle's Rot, Dirty Player, Block, -AV, -AG-->
    Nurgle Warrior <!--Card [pcavatar.jpg] PurpleChest, 4 4 2 9 55, Disturbing Presence, Foul Appearance, Nurgle's Rot, Regeneration, Block, Guard, Regular Contributor-->
    Rotter <!--Card [mezir.gif] Knut_Rockie, 5 2 4 8 27, Decay, Nurgle's Rot, +AG, Sure Hands, -ST, Resident Artist-->
    Nurgle Warrior <!--Card [ragegob.jpg] Shades_SteelFist, 4 4 1 9 9, Disturbing Presence, Foul Appearance, Nurgle's Rot, Regeneration, Block, Resident Artist, -AG-->
    Rotter <!--Card [gobbo.jpg] Purplegoo, 5 3 3 8 2, Decay, Nurgle's Rot, Contributor-->
    Rotter <!--Card [gobbo.jpg] Stej, 5 3 3 8 5, Decay, Nurgle's Rot, Contributor-->



     


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