“The scene opens up inside the offices of the OBBA Premiership Champions, Real Sociedead.

An unhappy SeraphimRed sits behind his desk mere minutes after being knocked out of the OBBA cup. The door opens and in comes his Assistant Coach.

Ass.: Sir, could you please sign this?

SeraphimRed: This isn’t a resignation letter right? ... Surely Omen Abramowitch can’t want me out after my Premiership Title win!

Ass.: Relax sir. It’s just a petition to save the Hobbit.

SeraphimRed: Isn’t that a gay bar?

Ass.: Sir. It’s not cool to besmirch a person’s sexuality at FUMBBL.

SeraphimRed: Did I besmirch? I wasn’t besmirching! I was merely seeking clarification. Besides... Shadow doesn’t care, he’s so far out of the closet that he’s left the building.

SeraphimRed hastily signs the petition, before staring up, anxious.

SeraphimRed: So. To be clear here. The Board are OK that we got knocked out so early?

Ass.: Well, no. Not really sir. You went out in the second round and you lost to an inferior team.

SeraphimRed: But all the cool teams are getting knocked out of Cups early. Man United, Arsenal, Man City...

Ass.: Chelsea aren’t!

SeraphimRed: As I said... all the cool teams are doing it.

Ass.: Well, the board don’t share your view, the word is that it will affect your bonus.

SeraphimRed: My bonus!

Ass.: Afraid so. They’re also saying that the lost revenue will mean that we need to cut the wage bill.

SeraphimRed: I just got finished scraping my star Ghoul’s brain off the pitch, isn’t that enough?

Ass.: They also want to reduce the pension benefit, too many players are retiring rather than staying the course and doing their duty by dying on the pitch.

SeraphimRed: Well, we are in an age of...

Ass.: I know! Austerity.

SeraphimRed: I was going to say an age of MinMaxing.

Ass.: Oh.

SeraphimRed: The retirement age for players has been reduced dramatically... I had to let three great zombies go at the start of the season and hire muppets in their place.

Ass.: Sir, it’s not cool to call our players muppets either.

SeraphimRed: Really? It’s political correctness gone mad!

The assistant coach nods.

SeraphimRed sighs.

SeraphimRed: Well. I guess we could stop insuring our players, that should reduce the bill.

Ass.: But if our stars die, how will we replace them!?

SeraphimRed: That’s the beauty of it. FUMBBL will provide us with stars free of charge.

Ass.: Genius sir!

SeraphimRed sits back smugly.

SeraphimRed: Yep. I remember a time when I would wince every time my Ghouls would get smacked upside their squidgy head, but thanks to inducements, that’s a thing of the past!

Ass.: ...

SeraphimRed: ...

Ass: ... this is better right? You know, than it used to be?

SeraphimRed grimaces.

Ass.: Permission to call the LRB6 designers muppet ******, gay *********, fat bags of ****!

SeraphimRed nods as the tirade continues...

SeraphimRed: Let it out son, let it out...

[Scene fades to the jeers of an LRB6 mob]




”