ramchop
Joined: Oct 12, 2013
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This season's All Star presentation was a calm affair, compared to the last three seasons, beset with snakemen, rioting imaginary ratmen and foul goblins. The warpstone-fuelled prognosticators of Clan Betfarrr had apparently lost all Skavenblight's monetary reserves on an ill-fated wager that the Lab Rat Elysium would repeat their Premiership win, and as a result sewer-funded discontent was at an all time low.
Celebrating the season of niceness, Socrates and Pinkeye Growthspurt delivered a commemorative bouquet to the Amateur Professionals, on behalf of the rest of the league. Some kind of miscommunication meant the bouquet consisted entirely of rotten fruit and wilted flowers, and a large rock inscribed with the words "Stu Wilson", hastily painted over with a scrawl that appears to read "Frod Weedman".
An All Star presentation wouldn't be complete without some kind of massive hullabaloo, and reliably the celebrations eventually deteriorated into a mob of Nurgle and Chaos players shouting at the elves about how they'd better learn to hit and forget about passing the ball around the backfill, while the pointy eared ones jeered back that nobody's claws were looking sharp any more. The town guard broke things up at eleven, players retiring for a night in the cells.
 All-Stars Season LXXXIV
More Food For Thawt has won their second silver trophy in Tinkerbell conference, and On Second Thawt was clearly the driving force behind the wins. Seen chewing on Ogres (and cleaning his teeth with snotlings), Elves, Orcs, Dwarfs, and even tried a couple Tomb Guardians before spitting them out for being so dusty. He took a few hits and some boots along the way, but kept on getting up and into the thick of it, tying up threats to his team, holding onto players trying to score, and almost always giving the squad a numbers advantage along the way. Sure, the rest of his team is agile enough to throw around winning passes, but he's the player getting them the ball and the space to work with it, and the fearsome casualty count along the way confirms that no-fear full contact play from him. What a monster.
Staunch by name, staunch by nature, the short legged stunty with a heart of bronze didn't miss a game all season, while making three other players fail to lace up their boots the week they met him. A 37.5% serious injury:casualty ratio meant the big fisted little lad is the kind of person you don't want to bump into (or trip over) in a dark alleyway. This top-hatted terroriser of the Premiership lines up on the line of scrimmage for the All Stars despite the Crazy Beard Express getting a ticket for the Conferences this year - will he be driving the pain train back into the Premiership for season LXXXVI?
Reputedly stinkier than any of the Bloaters in the Southern Wastes, Yez The Smelly has the 'aroma of greatness' according to the All Stars selection committee. We dread to think what that means, but Yez's rank stench is probably body odour generated by exerting himself so hard. You don't score as many touchdowns as the fragrant fella without working up a bit of a sweat, and leading the Regionals with 141 yards of rushing, this big-hearted Bony Boy was an obvious choice for a scroll.
Coming into this season, the Dynasty's blitzer, Mornelith Falconbane, had been tipped for an scroll, but a combination of him dying, and then retrospectively banned for clearly being an ogre with some pointy ears glued on, left a gap for a Dark Elf to take a place in the All Stars. And who better than Kindra Voidrunner, angriest lady in the Southern Wastes at the moment (that's saying something, with two teams of Amazons rampaging around)? Ms Voidrunner collected the most SPP of any player in the Premiership this season, mostly by hurting people. We heard she prefers a hit below the belt (players with fractured legs, a smashed knee and season tickets to the cemetery will attest) but when we tried to confirm it with her, she threatened us with 'the Naggarond Groin Strain' so that will remain unconfirmed.
Ninety-five games in, Impak is now the Grand Old Orc of the All Stars, a wise and respected fellow that the other ten players look up to, and certainly don't jeer at him for being a punch-drunk lump who likes to thump. Despite innumerable rewards, Impak doesn't believe in shouting about his biography, instead keeping his achievements quiet, letting his reputation speak for him. That, or his mouth has been wired shut. In addition to exemplary ball carrying skills, Impak still likes hurting people, and doesn't discriminate between the small (Wuddleschmoopie's leg), the medium sized (Torduken), or the very big (Kurgowallah, Impak's seventh kill of his glittering career). The question now is whether Impak can hold on to usurp François Englert's record for most SPP in the SWL ever, or if there's an orc-shaped burn mark on the pitch from a fireball in the very near future...
Cronus is a talent to fear in the SWL, devouring his opponents with 12 blocks per game average, he developed horns midway into the season to make his team unbeatable. Player removal turn after turn opening the smallest of gaps at any angle for fellow all-star Aeneus to finish with another score, and he proved more than capable of scoring on his own whenever the need arose. A couple of frogs to pad the stats along the way, but not every player can so calmly gobble up the wee ones as Cronus.
A third all-star scroll for Dave Loveridge hot on the heels of his second. We'd tipped him for trouble when he met the Dynasty's AG5 ogre last season, but a vicious lizard put an end to the threat for Loveridge, leaving him free to sling balls with further aplomb as the Professionals romped to their first Premiership title. Just as last season, Loveridge threw the ball 17 times, although the reduced yardage compared to last season made naysayers suggest that strong arm is withering a little. Was that criticism too much for the pointy-eared egomaniac to bear, forcing him to retire from the game? Whatever - after a valedictory All Star appearance, the elf with a silly name wanders off to a well-deserved retirement, viewing his stack of twahnlows.
Another double-All Star, Daddles Damfino might have one hip made of warpstone and barbed wire, but both his feet are golden, demonstrated by his superlative sprinting in all the games he managed to make it to the pitch. It's quite possible he didn't bother turning up for the Lab Rat's final game of the season because he knew he'd already rushed more yards and scored more TDs than any other player in the Premiership. Despite this selfishness probably contributing to the rats failing to retain the Premiership title, he's been allowed to remain in the squad (and in the All Stars) - possibly a dangerous example for other rats who may also believe they will always have a place on the roster.
Aeneus had another amazing season in conferences, building on his famed foundations to carry the team, growing an extra head and getting a sprint to his step to let him waltz through the smallest gaps the long way 'round, and even took a good few hits protecting his team's position along the way. Gutter runners come and go, but when there's only one on the team, you can back them to score a good few and Aeneus did not disappoint with a near-record thirteen!
Clocking up 220 rushing yards this season, Torgan Silvermead has occasionally been compared to the dark elf sprinter, F'rrest G'mp. But although in his own famous words, G'mp "ran and ran and then one day I stopped", the curiously agile Silvermead shows no signs of slowing down. Any normal player might consider putting their feet up after running more than 1000 yards in their career, but Torgan clearly has his sights set on reaching a mile of rushing before retiring. Or possibly getting gangfouled to death if he ever trips up.
We know chorfs love bronze, but they were probably still very happy with the pair of golden boots that Blin brought home this season. Although yet to cause a serious injury this year, and thus missing the watchful eye of the Death Watch scribes, Blin did an astonishing 27 fouls in the first 7 games of his career - that's 3.86 fouls per game. Still, Pinkeye, Arethusa and Tebec can all tell the foul hobgoblin that the All Stars have big boots to fill - will he make it through another season alive, or will it be the bin for Blin in SWL LXXXV?
LXXXIV All Stars
On Second Thawt, More Food for Thawt
Staunch, Crazy Beard Express
Yez The Smelly, Bony Boyz
Kindra Voidrunner, Druchii Dynasty
Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins
Cronus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Dave Loveridge, Amateur Professionals
Daddles Damfino, Lab Rat Elysium
Aeneas, Styx αnd Warpstones
Torgan Silvermead, Blue Mountain Giants
Blin, Crazy Beard Express
LXXXIV Prem Stars
Kindra Voidrunner, Druchii Dynasty
Daddles Damfino, Lab Rat Elysium
Felix, Federated Fowlers
Waffle, Cold Rock
Dave Loveridge, Amateur Professionals
Staunch, Crazy Beard Express
Fred Woodman, Amateur Professionals
Boysenberry Swirl, Cold Rock
Blin, Crazy Beard Express
Dastur Tirnirmulfr, Cult of the Firedrake
Vilgorgun, Hаrlequins
LXXXIV Conference Stars
Aeneas, Styx αnd Warpstones
Torgan Silvermead, Blue Mountain Giants
Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins
Murlurk, Big Boys Don't Block
Time, Speeeeed Killzzzz
On Second Thawt, More Food for Thawt
Khograkh Bronzeheart, Bronzed Raiders
Cronus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Tebec, Didgeridead
Lollipop, Pugs Not Drugs
Crash Blind, Blood Crag Stripes
LXXXIV Rising Stars
Yez The Smelly, Bony Boyz
Shokupan, Bun Dead
Ráðormr Jófreiðrson, Skelligen Spoilers
Hurien the Shade, Spite and Malice
Allan Langer, Aspley Boncos
Semla, Bun Dead
Petero Civoniceva, Aspley Boncos
Sammael Dreadblade, Spite and Malice
Talion, Mutated Alliance
Wargut The Savage, Bony Boyz
Galti Ãsgeirrson, Skelligen Spoilers
Note: The All Stars committee is a group effort. Currently numbering 6 members who played a part in the selection and (all MrC) fluffmanship. |
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Klazam
Joined: Aug 01, 2015
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 Posted:
Dec 17, 2020 - 17:05 |
 
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Crash Blind lumbers to the stage to accept the Chamberpot and the Cannon
"Thankssss. More deathsss coming next ssseason!" |
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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| Posted:
Dec 17, 2020 - 07:16 |
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SWL Death Watch LXXXIV Week Seven
"Welcome back to our regular programming! Now the season is over, we've got just a few more corpses to check out before our fancy gala presentation of the biggest prizes in the Southern Wastes!
 Hubris Rakarth, prescribed death by The Evil Doctor. Chaos Beastman, 8 SPP.
 Eunoe, infected by the boot of Germ. Underworld Goblin , 2 SPP.
"Eunoe? More like oh no!"
 Eurynomos, left anonymous by Abhorrence. Underworld Lineman, 19 SPP.
 Lorraine Broughton, won't ever be introduced to royalty after meeting The Duchess. Amazon Blitzer, 15 SPP.
"Serves her right, waltzing in here with such a stupid name! Who does she think she is, an Amateur Professional?"
Fredrick Fastbone, quickly deboned by Eanuk Flamecaller. Chaos Beastman, 0 SPP. "It's a shame, Fredrick was such a kind person off the pitch. People say a lot of terrible things about Beastmen, but he didn't have a bad bone in his body."
"Doesn't have any bones in his body at all, Jim."
"Well, I suppose they do say you should leave it all out on the field."
 Véþorn Skarpheðinnson, had a few spelling corrections from Wargut The Savage. Norse Lineman, 0 SPP.
 Eloise Jones, now just meat and bones by Isilvar. Amazon Linewoman, 4 SPP.
"Not one, but two joke names in one week? What's going on?"
Hazhek Copperfist, permanently tarnished by Ogingi. Chaos Dwarf Blocker, 43 SPP.
"Put him on the big pile of players with Guard that deserve to die, and let's say no more, Bob."
 Abhainn Avallach Jr, truespiked by Evander Truespike. Dark Elf Blitzer, 0 SPP.
"There's something about players called Avallach, isn't there? Like an avalanche of dead knife ears..."
Zachary Quickbone, forced out by Darth Vader. Norse Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Fastbone, Quickbone, so many bones today..."
 Boba, pulled a vanishing act after being hit by Hubert. Lizardman Chameleon Skink, 0 SPP.
"I've always said I can't see the point of chameleons..."
"That is the point, you boneheaded imbecile!"
 Vyn Phoenix, never rising again from the flames after a hit by Bruiser. Dark Elf Lineman, 1 SPP.
And with that, the season came to a spluttering end, just two deaths short of the century. It's been a pretty damaging season for a lot of players - while we've had higher total casualty counts before, players seem to have been desperate this time around to win fame and fortune... by showing up in the Death Watch. These crazy kids.
Before we dole out the prizes, let's take a quick look at all the claims the Curse of the Death Watch made this week:
Brad, the Barkeep, Failed dodge * 3 kills. Serious Concussion
Eurynomos, Block * 2 kills. Dead
 Floyd Da Fridge, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Ankle
Khograkh Bronzeheart, Foul * 1 kill. Pinched Nerve
And now, what everyone's been waiting for, the main attraction, it's the glittering prizes of the Death Watch (and certainly not just a bunch of random crockery liberated from Ladyshape Grumbleflick's kitchen...
The You Can Dish It Out But Can You Take It Butter Dish goes to Didgeridead with a exceptional 18 casualties caused, and only 7 casualties received.
You Can Take It But Can You Dish It Out Butter Dish was almost lost by the Blackwater Cockfighters when they upped their hitting power in the last game of the season, but by a whisker the Norsemen win this trophy: 15 casualties suffered, 4 caused.
The Delicately My Dear Kid Gloves are awarded to the Harlequins, in place of the Butter Dish, for suffering 12 casualties and only providing us with two.
But in total ignominy, the Massively Patronising "It's Called Blood Bowl For A Reason!" Bowl goes to Speeeeed Killzzzz for failing to hurt a single opponent this season.
The You Can't Make An Omelette Without Breaking A Few Eggs Omelette, which looks surprisingly like just a carton of eggs and not something that's been properly cooked, normally shared, but today, for the first time ever, is awarded to a single team, with the Gorgoth Heavies supplying two six person omelettes in a single season!
The Glass Cannon Glass Cannon should have gone to those chorfs with their 12-14 record, but as the Heavies got the more prestigious Omelette, instead we're giving it to the Blood Crag Stripes as with a 12-6 record, only two other prize winners did more damage and took more casualties
The Gastrotheca Riobambae III Commemorative Squashed Freddo goes to Kuzco for three injuries sustained this season. Yes, we know he managed to get two in the last week to steal this prize from more 'deserving' players, but everyone else is on only two, so tough! Give that Rotter a hand ... to replace the one that just fell off.
Finally, with an epic drum roll, we present the Chamberpot of Terrifying Doom to Crash Blind for four kills and three serious injuries. Don't let that lizard get cocky though, if it wasn't for a recent ruling about inanimate objects, Shoelaces would have beaten him to the punch by fifteen injuries (or the fans, who permanently removed 6 players this season)
And, coming in appropriately late after we'd presented the main awards:
Sprinting Sprites deservedly take the What Took You So Long? Casio Watch for waiting until week 7 to kill anyone. We knew you'd get there eventually! |
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Dec 17, 2020 - 03:25 |
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Death Watch Retch-ro-spective
Finally, closing out this seasonal celebration of slaying, we come to the dustiest team and also the second most violent, Didgeridead. With 116 serious injuries and deaths they come in just behind the Bronzed Raiders, who benefitted from playing one more season. However, the Raiders have been a little bit pillow fisted; the 'dead managed 39 kills vs a paltry 29 for the chorfs. Seven of those kills come from fouling, most of which are from the All Star boots of Tebec, a team captain who clearly believes in leading by example.
With no apothecary and brittle skeletons, you might think these Khemri would suffer a good few injuries, but regeneration has eliminated most of their chances of Death Watch appearances. Still, more than a quarter of their 19 deaths have been Tomb Guardians, whose constant decay suggests their coach should pay a bit more attention to the upkeep and repair of the big guys. Is anyone brave enough to tell Balle that?
Moolyarl remains the nastiest player on the team with six kills. It took a long time for the Curse to catch up with him, doing nothing worse than breaking one of his legs two seasons ago, in a tragic bit of mummy-on-mummy violence when Semla bashed into him.
Disappointingly, again the Didgeridead, despite their violent reputation, have only ever served up a single Omelette, not against a team of fragile stunties, but the Denizens of the Dreamlands, ten seasons ago. To be fair, they did break almost every bone in the body there (just not all in the same player). We're hoping for much more violence when they go up against Styx and Warpstones next season - already, the scribes of the Death Watch are predicting that will be a match for the ages. Sadly, the league commissioners trampled on the goblins' dreams, denying that the Khemri will be promoted this time around.
Without a lot of different positionals, it's been easy for this team to get the full set. We're hoping that if and when they get another jaunt in the Premiership, they might fill this list out with a few mangled Star Players too:
   
Thanks for tuning in to the Retch-ro-spective. There are other violent teams that have rampaged through the Southern Wastes, and perhaps before the end of time we'll pay attention to those ones too. Rumours of a best-of-beat-down, to be sponsored by Cabalvision and persuading the Rationalists to fight [adult swim], are sadly so far just rumours, no matter what the crayon-scrawled letters from Pinkeye Growthspurt might suggest.
Now with that out of the way, watch out for the latest All Star nominations, and those shiny Death Watch utensils! |
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Last edited by MrCushtie on %b %17, %2020 - %17:%Dec; edited 1 time in total |
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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| Posted:
Dec 17, 2020 - 03:04 |
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Death Watch Retch-ro-spective
It's the Blue Mountain Giants who came onto the scene in SWL LXXIV and wasted no time, going from Regionals to winning the Premiership in three seasons. More importantly, they killed a player in their first game and didn't slow down much after that. Sixth for total serious injuries (92) with only 48 suffered, things look much worse when we only think about deaths, as the Giants have killed a paltry 24 players, while suffering 17 deaths themselves. Thick skulled they might be, but there's a lot of grudges these diminutive superstars have generated.
There's two teams the Giants are scared of; one is Pugs Not Drugs, who have killed two and injured three dwarfs, but have suffered two deaths and five injuries in return. The true nemesis of the Giants is of course the North Cape Crays, who killed two and injured two more dwarfs in a 12 casualty match the likes of which have rarely been seen. In a season where the Giants and Scoundrels missed playing each other, we can only dream at what two stunty-on-short-legged-man-thing contests would have looked like.
The Curse of the Death Watch has struck the Giants ten times:
 Othel Ironaxe, Block * 1 kill. Dead
 Durin Grimmhammer, Block * 1 kill. Broken Ribs
Lars Barrelpike, Block * 1 kill. Serious Concussion
 Jordo Deeptunnel, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Sallam Ironflail, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Hand
Torvinn Orcslayer, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Flint Warmantle, Block * 2 kills. Damaged Back
Sallam Ironflail, Foul * 1 kill. Fractured Skull
Kullo Ironflagon, Block * 1 kill. Broken Neck
Kullo Ironflagon, Block * 1 kill. Pinched Nerve
... but the Curse is never that exact (there's no justice, after all, just us) so the Giant's biggest killer, Durin Grimmhammer, has got away with just broken ribs while dispatching five members of the opposition. That's in addition to injuring nine other players - maybe the Curse just got confused and distracted. After all, one bearded dwarf looks much the same as another (regardless of gender, or so they say in the mountains...)
The Giants haven't lost a runner yet, and haven't been daft enough to roster a Deathroller. Perhaps, with Big Chaos back in the Premiership again, we can see them fill out the roster in the forthcoming season:
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Dec 17, 2020 - 00:02 |
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Death Watch Retch-ro-spective
Eighth by games played but definitely first by casualties inflicted, it's the won-the-Premiership-so-many-times-we've-given-up-counting Bronzed Raiders, the short legged, tall hatted horrors so many of us love to hate. With 120 injuries and kills inflicted, against only 61 suffered, they're just shy of being twice as dangerous to others as they are to themselves. (By which we mean the massive bronze-plated egos of some of those dwarfs are so big, it's a wonder they're not crushed beneath the weight.)
Since the terror days of Khorharr Ironhand there hasn't really been one Raider who encapsulates pain and death, but both he and Gharzth Bronzehelm have contributed three deaths apiece to the tally (just as dangerous as wearing shoelaces, it turns out). More recently, there's been talk that the Raiders are a spent force, no longer capable of killing as much as they used to. With three omelettes in their career (including this top ranking 8-egg effort) you'd think they had it cracked, but there's another Chorf team hot on their heels, having double-omeletted in SWL LXXXIV.
When you're the team to beat, you tend to get beaten up more, and in their most recent season the Raiders only managed 7 injuries for and 5 against, as younger, fresher teams made a bid for guts and glory. Maybe the Curse is weighing more heavily on them:
Khorharr Ironhand, Block * 1 kill. Damaged Back
Khorharr Ironhand, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Hand
Kharghaz Bronzebeard, Block * 1 kill. Broken Ribs
Kharghaz Bronzebeard, Block * 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Duniun Blackbeard, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Kharghaz Bronzebeard, Block * 1 kill. Groin Strain
Khorharr Ironhand, Block * 3 kills. Fractured Skull
Targ Bronzehammer, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Kharghaz Bronzebeard, Block * 2 kills. Smashed Collar Bone
Kezhan, Block * 1 kill. Broken Neck
Takharth Stoneheart, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Knee
Khograkh Bronzeheart, Foul * 1 kill. Pinched Nerve
And with a regretabbly small number of deaths themselves:
 
let's instead entertain ourselves by looking at all the players the Raiders have killed, and wonder how they've failed to harm a single goblin in all that time:
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Dec 16, 2020 - 22:01 |
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Death Watch Retch-ro-spective
Seventh on the list are the Skye Hoppers!, the only Slann team to have played every season since SWL LXXI, and suffering at least one serious injury in 68 of those games. It probably would have been 69 if not for a scheduling issue at the tail end of SWL LXXXIV, when the Vermintide turned up at the Hoppers' stadium a day late, just as the frogs arrived at the Skaven home ground. Even then, the Hoppers 'enjoy' one of the worst serious casualty ratios, suffering 118 deaths and serious injuries while only giving out 47. That's serious You Can Take It But Can You Dish It Out Butter Dish territory...
In a world where it seems everyone is out to kill the frogs, from the owners of Armorical Football downwards, it's worth mentioning that the Hoppers have never taken an injury from the team that's constituted the biggest health risk in the SWL (it also helps that they've never played them). They have suffered 7 shoelace-related injuries in their time, and before the peanut gallery suggest that's because they jump too high, bear in mind that most frogs hurt themselves trying to run too far, not from getting too close to the sun.
With players recycling almost every season, it's been hard for the Hoppers to breed a big killer like Salamoneus. The best they have is Bombina Orientalis II with 6 injuries and kills, and he had to hurt a rotter twice in one match to get that far. On the other hand, they've managed to have one prestigious award named after them, the Gastrotheca Riobambae III Commemorative Squashed Freddo. A damaged confectionery might not be as good as a Twahnlow, but it's still something. And let's admit it: not everyone is obsessed with death and maiming; there's the poetry of seeing ancient amphibians sail through the air, propelled by their powerful legs.
Despite that lack of violence, the Hoppers have strangely still been afflicted by the Curse of the Death Watch, which just shows how unfair life can be:
 Xenopus Laevis, Block * 1 kill. Dead
 Lithobates Catesbeianus II, Block * 1 kill. Broken Ribs
Bombina Orientalis II, Block * 2 kills. Fractured Leg
Xenopus Laevis IIIII, Failed GFI * 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Xenopus Laevis IIIIII, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Skull
Xenopus Laevis IIIIII, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Skull
Leptobrachium Smithi IIIII, Foul * 1 kill. Damaged Back
Finally, one strange factoid for you - despite reproducing by laying some form of egg, and taking a lot of pain, the Hoppers have never yet qualified for an Omelette - there's never been a match with more than 5 players killed or seriously injured. Every kind of frog has died at least once though, along with some cheerful chappy they brought along with a saw once...
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ramchop
Joined: Oct 12, 2013
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The SWL LXXXIV Team Achievements
Regional:
Turns (1096): Skelligen Spoilers
Completions (16): Kingdom Decay (SWL)
TDs (15): Skelligen Spoilers
Cas (21): Bun Dead
SPP (125): Skelligen Spoilers
Passing yards (63): Sprinting Sprites
Rushing yards (273): Skelligen Spoilers
Blocks (324): Skelligen Spoilers
Fouls (33): Bony Boyz
Blocks/Cas (13): Bucharest Vampires
Pass/Cp (5.7): Aspley Boncos
Kills (?): ???
Conferences:
Turns (1182): Blue Mountain Giants
Completions (13): Bravado
TDs (15): Styx αnd Warpstones
Cas (32): Didgeridead
SPP (122): More Food for Thawt
Passing yards (36): Speeeeed Killzzzz
Rushing yards (259): Styx αnd Warpstones
Blocks (358): Flack Ork Flockers
Fouls (31): Real Fake Alternative Facts
Blocks/Cas (10.1): More Food for Thawt
Pass/Cp (5.6): More Food for Thawt
Kills (?): ???
Premier:
Turns (1086): Crazy Beard Express
Completions (18): Amateur Professionals
TDs (14): Lab Rat Elysium
Cas (24): Crazy Beard Express
SPP (119): Amateur Professionals
Passing yards (118): Amateur Professionals
Rushing yards (265): Lab Rat Elysium
Blocks (403): Cold Rock
Fouls (34): Crazy Beard Express
Blocks/Cas (13.2): Crazy Beard Express
Pass/Cp (6.6): Amateur Professionals
Kills (?): ???
 The Unofficial Maester Whippy Dean Douglas Sundae
Cah (Concussion Protocol) 25 spp
The SWL Season LXXXIV Awards
Regional:
 Yez The Smelly (Bony Boyz) 6 TDs
  Semla (Bun Dead) &  Petero Civoniceva (Aspley Boncos) 7 cas
 Yez The Smelly (Bony Boyz) & Wargut The Savage (Bony Boyz) 113 turns
 Yez The Smelly (Bony Boyz) 141 rushing yards
 Allan Langer (Aspley Boncos) 53 pass yards
  Talion (Mutated Alliance) 6 fouls
 Sammael Dreadblade (Spite and Malice) 71 blocks
  Femme Fatale (Kingdom Decay (SWL)) 9 cps
 Petero Civoniceva (Aspley Boncos) 5.43 block/cas
 Allan Langer (Aspley Boncos) 6.63 pass/cp
 Yez The Smelly (Bony Boyz) 22 SPP
Conferences:
 Aeneas (Styx αnd Warpstones) 13 TDs
 On Second Thawt (More Food for Thawt) 11 cas
  Lollipop (Pugs Not Drugs) 114 turns
 Torgan Silvermead (Blue Mountain Giants) 220 rushing yards
  Time (Speeeeed Killzzzz) 29 pass yards
 Tebec (vc) (Didgeridead) 24 fouls
 Cronus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 84 blocks
  Dodgy Service (Bravado) 9 cps
  Khograkh Bronzeheart (Bronzed Raiders) 4.29 block/cas
 Khangor (More Food for Thawt) 4.67 pass/cp
 Aeneas (Styx αnd Warpstones) 40 SPP
Premier:
 Daddles Damfino (Lab Rat Elysium) 9 TDs
 Kindra Voidrunner (Druchii Dynasty) 10 cas
 Mobad Koketh (Cult of the Firedrake) &  Dastur Tirnirmulfr (Cult of the Firedrake) 114 turns
 Daddles Damfino (Lab Rat Elysium) 184 rushing yards
 Dave Loveridge (Amateur Professionals) 114 pass yards
 Blin (Crazy Beard Express) 27 fouls
 Boysenberry Swirl (Cold Rock) 76 blocks
 Dave Loveridge (Amateur Professionals) 17 cps
 Staunch (Crazy Beard Express) 5.38 block/cas
 Dave Loveridge (Amateur Professionals) 6.71 pass/cp
 Kindra Voidrunner (Druchii Dynasty) 32 SPP |
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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| Posted:
Dec 16, 2020 - 03:19 |
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Death Watch Retch-ro-spective
Sixth by games played in the modern era are Styx and Warpstones, who would be phenomenal just considering the longevity of an Underworld team, but that's before you consider their record, a mainstay of the Conferences that has now managed to qualify for a third rampage in the Premiership. Seventh most damaging team since records begun, and trailing only Lab Rat Elysium for injuries sustained, it's a mystery how these lovable mutants haven't won the Glass Cannon Glass Cannon in every season it's been available.
Rarely does a week go by in the SWL when an Underworld Goblin doesn't die; on average there's only one game per season, all the way back to season 78, when there hasn't been at least one serious injury. But along with this rich lineage the S&W continue to innovate. This was the first season we ever saw an Underworld Troll die, Persephone shuffling off her mortal coil and taking 55 SPP with her, and not content with that, the very next week they sacrificed Pluto as well. Finding this to be a crowd-pleasing spectacle, Merc Underworld Troll 1 () turned up just to suffer a serious concussion, while all the time the crowd carried on jeering. (Cheering, surely?)
For a long time, opponents could point to the terrifying form of Salamoneous as a reason why they couldn't compete. That two-headed rat powerhouse met his end at the mighty hands of Gruff Wobbleboard a couple of seasons ago, but the Warpstones hardly even paused, promoting themselves up to the Conferences, and then winning the division named in honour of their blitzer before ascending to the Premiership again this season. We've already mentioned Impak and his fearsome 17 serious injuries, but that pales in comparison with the 31 that Salamoneous doled out - he even killed in his final game, although that was just a bit too much temptation for the Curse of the Death Watch. If he could have carried on a few more seasons, with no other blitzer to rival him in the team, it's not a question of if but when he would have gone past the 100 casualty mark. Perhaps the weight of all those prizes and all-star scrolls were what dragged him down in the end? Sit back and rest your eyes on all the players he killed:
With that superstar laid to rest, there's other rats starting to make a name for themselves. We doubt Cronus will do as much work in the next season as ol' Salmon-ooze did over his career, but it will be fun watching.
It's also worth noting that the S&W only ever contributed a single omelette, in that bloodbath that deprived us of Salamoneous. But next season they're up against their potential nemesis, the Blue Mountain Giants. That's the only team to have injured the Underworld boys on four separate occasions. Will it be revenge? JPM needs to take the pain to the dwarfs to at least reach parity here...
Finally, fans of completism will note that Styx and Warpstones have given us a corpse of almost every shape and flavour now. The only thing missing is a dead Gutter Runner - will this be the season they finish off the roster, just in time for the impending rule changes? (Certainly if they need to in a few seasons' time, we doubt they'll have any problems supplying a dead snotling...)
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Dec 15, 2020 - 03:16 |
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Death Watch Retch-ro-spective
Rounding out the top five, it's a team that keeps coming back, yes, it's none other than Pugs Not Drugs, that sweet sweet army of confectionary-themed doggos and random zombies. Again, unlike the Redskins and more like the rats and the wood elves, these undead horrors have almost parity between injuries supplied and sustained, getting a slight advantage with 78 vs 72 received. Maybe they are more cuddly than their reputation suggests.
Still, who doesn't like Chocolate? 4 kills and 17 serious injuries after he started, it's a shame he retired after 69 games, otherwise he'd probably still be building his own legacy. But demanding extra cash probably got him the "Ol' Yeller" treatment. With three injuries from the Curse of the Death Watch, this was one wolf waiting to be huffed, puffed, and blown apart. But there'll be others, there's always others...
The Pugs have gone almost entire seasons without achieving anything of note (apart from topping their conference, winning two Premiership trophies, blah blah blah, not like they've ever got the Terrifying Chamberpot of Doom, is it?) - worst of all in SWL LXXIX, where they didn't do any serious damage until their final match of the season - but despite rumours that they're just snobbish about which teams they'll take recruits from, the fans keep coming out to see them. Again, unlike the Cockfighters, and more like everyone else, there's only been one six-casualty match for them so far, although it was a particularly one-sided affair for the poor Yeast Lords, who really didn't rise to the occasion.
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Dec 15, 2020 - 02:52 |
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Death Watch Retch-ro-spective
Behind the fourth door of this advent calendar of agony are yet more AV7 lunatics, this time the Blackwater Cockfighters. Whereas the previous three teams are clearly all playing for the love of the game, these Norsemen (and women) have a clear contempt for Blood Bowl, defining themselves by whatever job they have off the pitch. As if anything could be more important than 16 turns of kicking a pigskin up and down a muddy field.
The goblins of the statistickal department were at pains to point out the Cockfighters' casualty delta is identical to that of the Scoundrels, the SWL's longest serving Goblin team, but we'll ignore that as sheer chauvinism. After all, total hits is what counts and 473 casualties for and against beats 367. And it keeps us busy, too. Consigning those goblins back to their dungeon, let's consider the Norsemen.
Unlike other teams we've looked at, the Cockfighters really are a team. That makes it harder to choose a standout killer, because the violence is pretty evenly distributed. Rather than an Impak or a Dan Dan to deliver the goods, you can bet that just about any of the Cockfighters will be ready to hurt you, possibly while rushing back to their day job. That spread does give a lot more opportunities for the Curse to kick in, of course. (Nothing to do with the fabled Norse armour...)
John, the Mage, Block * 2 kills. Groin Strain
Scott, the Alchemist, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Hip
 Fjalarr, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Stewart, the Gunslinger, Block * 2 kills. Smashed Hip
Stewart, the Gunslinger, Block * 2 kills. Dead
Stuart, the Kung Fu Pro, Block * 1 kill. Dead
 Dan, the Ninja In Training, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Leg
The Blood Red Cock of Hell, Blown up * 1 kill. Smashed Knee
Stuart, the End Level Guy, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Arm
Dan, the Ninja in Training, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Allan, the Chaplain, Foul * 1 kill. Fractured Arm
The Blood Red Cock of Hell, Failed GFI * 1 kill. Fractured Leg
Allan, the Chaplain, Block * 1 kill. Serious Concussion
Allan, the Chaplain, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Knee
Brad, the Barkeep, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Knee
Brian, the Scoundrel, Block * 3 kills. Dead
Brad, the Barkeep, Block * 1 kill. Broken Jaw
Andrew, the Ne'er-Do-Well, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Ankle
Brad, the Barkeep, Block * 1 kill. Broken Ribs
Stuart, the End Level Guy, Surfed * 1 kill. Smashed Knee
Brad, the Barkeep, Block * 3 kills. Fractured Skull
Tania, the Blademistress, Foul * 1 kill. Smashed Knee
Brad, the Barkeep, Failed dodge * 3 kills. Serious Concussion
The one outlier is The Blood Red Cock Of Hell with 9 SIs and one death to his name. However, he's done less damage to other teams than the Cockfighters' fans, who have contributed three deaths and eight serious injuries. Then again, nobody should stand too close to the sidelines; we've seen six Cockfighters dead, niggled or injured by their own fans.
But talking of the fans, after a few teams that have failed to provide a lot of big shows, the Cockfighters have probably got unstinting loyalty after serving up a succession of omelettes, none finer than this eight-man/dark elf debacle. The Cockfighters finished this season injuring more of their own players in their final match than they did the opposition - will the Evil Doctor get better in the off-season and come back unniggled? There's a few people who hope not.
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Dec 15, 2020 - 02:25 |
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Death Watch Retch-ro-spective
Third on our list are the Waaaaghton Redskins, who started as they meant to go on - in the very first week of SWL LXXI, with teams freshly embracing the BB16 rules, Impak and company left two Norsemen with smashed collarbones and hips, just a taste of the rampage that would follow in the next 95 games...
Speaking of Impak, he has 17 serious injuries and kills on his mantlepiece, out of 48 total casualties. That's not the highest casualty count we'll see in this series, or even the best ratio of very badly hurts to badly hurts (a certain Goblin troll has a 20/49 record, which is hard to beat) but you don't get to 405 SPP without being justly feared throughout the league. Then again, we know Impak has a soft spot, doing a lot for charity in the off season, and this is demonstrated by the big hearted lunk only having two kills to date.
But a team is not just one player (although with the Redskins lately it's been one player and a whole bunch of mercs, journeymen and inducements). As a whole, the Redskins are third best, with 104 serious injuries and deaths provided, but with an eyebrow raising 82 injuries sustained. At least they've done more damage than they took, which is more than we can say for the other teams we've surveyed so far.
The Redskins have more in common with Bravado than you might think - both of them are a green tinge, both play Blood Bowl, and they both have only given us one omelette each - although this 6 person brawl was certainly one for the ages. With all that death, you might think they'd be concerned about the Curse of the Death Watch, but it's only been half as fatal for them as what it did to Lab Rat Elysium:
 Guardsman Happyfeet, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Rat, Surfed * 1 kill. Serious Concussion
Squig, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Bruce, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Arm
Ted, Hit by a rock * 2 kills. Groin Strain
Ted, Block * 2 kills. Smashed Ankle
Impak, Surfed * 2 kills. Smashed Knee
Billy Clumsyhammer, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Happy Dancer, Block * 3 kills. Fractured Arm
nemko, Block * 1 kill. Broken Ribs
However, the Redskins are as much an instrument of the Curse as a victim of it; kill somebody and play the Redskins, and there's a very good chance of a smashed ankle, a smashed knee, a smashed life.
For anyone who thinks orcs don't have pizazz, consider these two fun facts: the Redskins will (barring something very strange in the next season) be the only team in this ruleset to have a player eaten while trying to score a touchdown. Raise your glasses for Bambi, gobbled down by Happy Dancer in a game against the next team to feature in the Retch-ro-spective... And even more dangerous was the time a mercenary Black Orc was fouled so hard by Tebec that he vanished not just from the pitch, but from the team roster for the match report too. That's some spicy Blood Bowl voodoo there for you!
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Dec 14, 2020 - 07:28 |
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Death Watch Retch-ro-spective
As storied teams go, it's impossible to get any longer a story than that of Bravado, having played the most matches of any team in the current era. With their coach suffering the ennui that might be brought on by the constant death and destruction of AV7 players, they might not be hanging around to hit the big 100, but they've given us a lot to write about over the years, and for that we should always be thankful.
Just like Lab Rat Elysium, these lightly-armoured players have taken a lot of damage (108 serious injuries and deaths) but enjoy a slightly better Butter Dish Ratiotm, having handed out 76 kills and hurts. Unlike the rats, there is a clear nemesis for the wood elves - the dastardly Chocolate, who singlehandedly broke or battered five players long enough to make them take at least a week off (pour one out for Bouilloires Glenmorangie.
Bravado have only contributed one omelette to the kitchens - an eight-person brawl with Brew Pub Brouhaha which left four dead and three permanently ruined players. Meanwhile Dan Dan was one wardancer Bravado held onto even after a fractured skull, chalking up 4 kills and 22 serious injuries through his career. Dan Dan did suffer from the Curse of the Death Watch, though, taking both a groin strain and a serious concussion as reward for what he'd done for all of us.
Not to harp on the differences with that other veteran team, but Bravado have also given us a lot more variety when it comes to the corpses. Every kind of Wood Elf is represented in their crypt - and if you look closely, you'll even spot a star player...
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Dec 14, 2020 - 06:30 |
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Death Watch Retch-ro-spective
So with the fabled End Times only a season away, Bob and Jim have been scouring the archives of the Death Watch, to give you a breakdown of all those teams that have managed to survive through to season 84 of the Southern Wastes Leagues. Johnny-come-latelies probably won't feature here - they're looking at the teams that have endured the most, and given the most to the Death Watch over the years.
Starting in the Premiership, only one team has played more than 75 matches, so let's start with perennial fan favourite, and non-existent giant ratmen, the Lab Rat Elysium
Cruelly denied the chance to hold onto the trophy in the final game of the season, the Skaven have played 90 games. In that time they've suffered 134 injuries and deaths, the highest of any team since Death Watch records began, while also handing out a highly respectable 74. At 18 deaths provided vs 27 sustained, that's a fairly decent record for the rodents, although the high proportion of deaths suffered as a proportion of total casualties suggest somebody in the medical staff has it in for them.
However, there's no player the Lab Rats really fear: the biggest single health risk for them has always been untied shoelaces, with 4 deaths and another 13 serious injuries caused by those pesky mice slipping and falling over.
Zucker "Fats" Leptin was a perennial menace, with 3 kills and a whole bunch of smashed bones to his name. A candidate for the Where Are They Now? file of the SWL, Leptin retired after season 78 (His departure is shrouded in mystery - was it because he wasn't fast enough any more? Did he demand too much money? Was it just the fear of another hit from the Curse of the Death Watch? [Leptin, as it stands, is the holder of the Most Injuries Suffered By A Single Player prize, a whole bag of shop soiled Freddoes]) to manage a cheese factory in Skavenblight.
Speaking of the Curse, it certainly did a lot of damage to the Elysium over the seasons, especially to old Smutly, who seemed to be trying to break every bone in his body:
Hooded "Smutly" Rex, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Arm
Hooded "Smutly" Rex, Foul * 1 kill. Fractured Leg
Hooded "Smutly" Rex, Foul * 1 kill. Fractured Arm
Hooded "Smutly" Rex, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Arm
Hooded "Smutly" Rex, Block * 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Hooded "Smutly" Rex, Surfed * 2 kills. Smashed Ankle
Hooded "Smutly" Rex, Block * 2 kills. Broken Neck
Ballin' Bitties, Block * 2 kills. Damaged Back
Zucker "Fats" Leptin, Failed dodge * 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Ballin' Bitties, Surfed * 2 kills. Broken Ribs
Zucker "Fats" Leptin, Foul * 2 kills. Smashed Hand
Aargol Baargol, Block * 2 kills. Broken Ribs
Zucker "Fats" Leptin, Block * 2 kills. Fractured Leg
Zucker "Fats" Leptin, Failed GFI * 2 kills. Smashed Hip
Zucker "Fats" Leptin, Hit by a rock * 2 kills. Smashed Knee
Rodenticide Fizzing, Block * 1 kill. Dead
War-Failin Tonix, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Hand
War-Failin Tonix, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Knee
Elmer "Foodie" McCol, Hit by a rock * 1 kill. Groin Strain
Aargol Baargool, Failed dodge * 1 kill. Dead
Elmer "Foodie" McCol, Foul * 1 kill. Pinched Nerve
War-failin Tonix, Foul * 1 kill. Dead
Nice-as-Nasty, Block * 1 kill. Dead
In return, the rats only helped the Curse take effect eight different times:
 Flauros the Leopard, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Gobslag Tango, Block * 2 kills. Smashed Hip
Fjalarr, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Yengangarry, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Cyber Doom, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Skull
Takharth Stoneheart, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Knee
Niabatteroo, Failed dodge * 1 kill. Smashed Hand
Brute, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Hip
Next season, will the Elysium look after their Rat Ogres any better than before? The Society For The Protection Of Large Rodents is quite concerned:
Finally, think about that line-up of injured rats, and raise your hats to a coach who has never yet lost a thrower or a blitzer to the grave. It's only the small, very quick rats, and the big, very angry rats, that should tread carefully. Oh, and the linerats, but that's what they're meant to do. |
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Dec 10, 2020 - 05:47 |
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SWL DEATH WATCH SEASON LXXXIV Week Six
"Welcome back for another passing-on packed celebration of what makes this the - Bob, are you alright? You look so glum."
"It's hard to muster enthusiasm for anything, Jim. I thought life was certain, I thought I knew how things worked, and it's like everything has changed and it's all meaningless now."
"Look, you can't be that upset about a few changes to your favourite boardgame."
"It's not Devastation Dish, the funpacked thrill of fighting and tennis."
"Then what is making you so sad, Bob?"
"It's this week's Death Watch."
"Don't be sad, Bob, players are always dying."
"Yes, but this week it's only nine of them."
BUMPER AV7 SPECIAL
 Trey Goldfist, cut down in his prime by Fred Woodman. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP. "Goldfist? Goldfish, more like, with that life expectancy."
"Who'd have thought elves would be so fragile?"
Duane Hideousshield, offered no protection against Julius Strongeagle. Chaos Dwarf Hobgoblin, 0 SPP.
[i]"What is this, a journeyman extravaganza? Where are the permanently rostered, highly skilled players we like seeing here?"
Eunoste, splattered by Crash Blind. Underworld Goblin, 0 SPP.
"It says here that Eunoste is a nymph."
"Well, she certainly died like a fly, didn't she?"
Tommy, rocked on by Gyrzoagnort The Dark Night. Khemri Skeleton, 3 SPP.
"Don't go gently into the dark night."
"Other way round, Jim. That dark night certainly didn't go gently into Tommy."
"Careful, Bob. Family production, remember..."
Don't Call It A Comeback Ceremonial LL Cool J Second Album Award
Frankie the Mouse, restored to his grave by Eanuk Flamecaller. Necromantic Zombie, 0 SPP.
"I'm sure Frankie the Mouse looked a damned sight more agile last time we saw him here."
"Well, I just think it's great that some players get a second chance. Even if they don't last more than a season."
Nicholas Hideousbrook, dammed forever by Sean Darklightning. Undead Zombie, 0 SPP.
"Are we still just doing linemen and part timers, Bob?"
Hyla Versicolor III, nothing but a fart in the wind after a hit by Jordell Freshbreeze. Slann Lineman, 8 SPP.
"Well, the rumours we heard about Slann are partly true. That's one frog who's definitely not playing next season!"
Milo Hearthheart, very bitter after a slice of Lemon. Dwarf Blocker, 9 SPP.
"And that's it."
"Wow, now I see why you're so sad. A few weeks ago we were looking at a record number of fatalities this season, and now we're falling behind."
"Yes, although this scribbled note from the stats goblins says that 86 deaths in 6 weeks is more than we've had in 7 weeks of any season before LXXXII."
"Who's LXXXII?"
"Some Bretonnian, I think."
Even the Curse of the Death Watch is light this week:
Blood Carnage, 2 kills. Smashed Hand
Leptobrachium Smithi IIIII, 1 kill. Damaged Back
Dull, 1 kill. Fractured Arm
Next week is time for the grand Death Watch Awards. Until then, we've got four more predictions for you for the games to watch in the final week of the season. With four serious injuries, we correctly called the most violent game in the Premiership, although our prediction of destruction scared off the Jugger match entirely, we missed out on the Bun Dead injurystravaganza, and the Khemri-Chaos match we pooh-poohed turned out to be a five-man omelette. So, as 1 out of 3 isn't bad, let's see how we do this time round:
Premier This is the match that decides if the Amateur Professionals finally win the Premiership, or if those non-existent rat men retain the title. With Ferdinand Woodchipper at full strength after two big hits against the Harlequins, and a battered Elysium limping towards the end zone, it's going to be a big match for injuries. Bring popcorn, and bandages!
Conferences Two to watch. The only Nurgle team this time around is strong and touch, but Gangrene Greg is the Repugnance's only tackler, so expect him to get sabotaged by the Styx and Warpstones' coaching team early in the match. It's Impak's 95th game - will he spend all of it killing gnoblars? We can but dream...
Regionals Mutated Alliance are bringing lots of Mighty Blow, but against the icy army of block that the Boncos have lined up, will they survive? Forecast: lots of injuries
Speaking of injuries, here's this week's motley lot...
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