Grotty Little Newspaper
Issue 3 - December 18, 2503

Admin Corner
by Christer
Informing you of the work behind the scenes on the Web site.
FUMBBL Match of the Issue
by NBC Commentator Mully
Coaches Game_avatar and SoftnFluffy go at it with two titanic teams!
Vocal Population
by Trog
Trog interviews a variety of FUMBBLERS.
Uncle Grum's Grudging Grumbles
by Uncle Grum
Words of wisdom and astute advice.

Group/Tournament Reports
Tourney Round Up


GLN info
FUMBBL Logo Competition
How to contribute

Blood Bowl changes again! Special Holiday Issue.
The 2003 BBRC Rules Review
by m0nty
An overview of the new Blood Bowl rules.
The Achiness of Death
by Candlejack
Long live the Undead!
How the review affects your team
by m0nty
A race-by-race inspection of the amended rules.
News & Views
Minotaur Emasculation
by xJx
xJx interviews a minotaur about not being so "horny" any more.
Under the Bowl
by m0nty
A street vendor has his say on what's selling like hotcakes amongst the fans.
Stadium Surprises
by Perry Proudbelly
Reviews of Team Stadiums.
Hobgoblins Always Win!
by Whaletyr
The Secrets of Hobgoblin Psychology Probed
A Gobbos Tale Part 1
by Candlejack
The Start of a Great Career
Team Tactics
Necromantic Maniac
by Ivan the Cow
How to coach a Necromantic Team.

The 2003 BBRC Rules Review
by m0nty

Once per year, a group of half a dozen or so experts - the Blood Bowl Rules Committee (BBRC) - sits down and draws up a list of changes to the core Blood Bowl rules. After a protracted delay, the BBRC has announced the 2003 rules changes. The changes to teams are listed in an accompanying PDF file.

The rules review has been the subject of much speculation. Some changes were hinted at well before time, many hotly-debated potential changes have not appeared, and the committee even managed to spring some surprises. Not everyone is happy, of course, because there are enough changes to make many coaches rethink some of their team strategies.

The main change is the addition of four new teams: Khemri, Necromantic, Nurgle's Rotters and Elf. The anticipated entry of Vampires did not happen, and the widely expected deletion of the old Undead team did not happen either, although two of the wights on that roster were removed. Khemri Blitzers were beefed up slightly, confirming their potential as one of the most bashy rosters in open play. Werewolves were toned down slightly by swapping Razor Sharp Claws for the less damaging Claws, while Flesh Golems were left alone, meaning that the Necromantics will still be able to concentrate on a throwing game if they want. Elf teams will possibly be the strongest passing team in Blood Bowl, so it will be interesting to see how they perform in open play on FUMBBL when they don't have to play solely with dX division teams. Finally, Nurgle's Rotters got the nod, with some significant changes to the Beast making it arguably the strongest big guy in the game.

If there is a theme through the rest of the changes, the BBRC seems to have made a concerted effort to remove a lot of the power of Big Guys. The changes to the Piling On skill and Wild Animal characteristic are only the most prominent of these. The removal of the Ogre from all but Chaos, Human and Norse teams was expected, but the Take Root characteristic was expected to be improved to an "on-pitch" version and this was not done either, leaving Treemen with a significant weakness. The change of Pro from a skill to a trait (meaning it can only be taken on a double for a skill roll for a player who has access to general skills) is also an attack on Big Guys, meaning that it is harder for them to get access to rerolls. All Big Guys now have weaknesses which will put them out of action for significant parts of the game, making them unreliable at best.

GLN has a race-by-race breakdown of the effects that the rules review will have on page 4, but overall it can be seen that teams that rely on positional players rather than Big Guys - like Chaos Dwarves and Wood Elves - escaped relatively unharmed, while the stunty teams like Halflings and Goblins were the major losers. The Throw Team Mate skill has been significantly harmed by the removal of Ogres from Halfling and Goblin teams.

One of the main talking points about the review is not what was changed, but what was left alone. The full list of considered amendments contains many items which caused much debate on discussion boards but did not make the final cut: the amended Take Root, new aging rules, new fouling rules, new handicap tables, new winnings rules, an expanded role for secret weapons, new apothecary rules, and amendments to various little-used mutations.


The Achiness of Death

About two months ago, lots of rumours and suspicions roamed amongst all of the FUMBBLers. We all were wondering what this year's rules review might come up with. Many things were on the BBRC's to-do list - such as making experimental teams official, change skills and clarify rules. The aspect I want to focus on in this article (as most of you might have expected) was the announced changing or removing of the veteran Undead roster.

First Glimpse of a Change

Like every year, people were speculating about the upcoming rules changes in the forefront of the annual rules review. Jervis Johnson announced that he wanted the old Undead roster to be replaced by three new teams he made up: Necromantic, Khemri and Vampire. I'm sure he got asked a billion times why he wanted the Undead to vanish from the official Blood Bowl rules. In BBMag #9 he stated that he doesn't appreciate their background and that they have a lack of fluff, which is an important part of the whole Blood Bowl thingy. And, in his opinion, the new teams would be able to give this "fluff" that the old Undead were never able to achive. As you might remember, I did an article for the first issue of GLN summarizing all this. To my surprise, I got a lot of feedback on this article from people who were upset by these prospects. It seemed to me that i had alerted the community. All these voices rising and demanding the Undead to stay gave me hope that the BBRC might think the same, and I began to look forward to the end of the review.

Expect the Worst - Get the Worse

Time passed, days became weeks, weeks became months, hope became doubt, doubt became fear... but finally the results got published and we gained sweet certanity in the end. The Undead stayed, for god's sake, they stayed! But at what price? Two wights removed from their positions. I watched the channels to see people's first reactions on the changes. Most considered the strip down of the Undead being a big mistake, since wights are the core players in most Undead teams due to their agility and endurance. Coaches who were playing Undead for several years, like myself, remembered this configuration from the 3rd Edition rules, so its drawbacks and capabilities are well known amongst Blood Bowlers. But was that a wise decision? Was it a good idea to weaken the Undead? Some voices say so, pretending that this was a balanced configuration for Undead teams. Others demand to give the wights access to strength skills in exchange for this reduction, but this won't happen, at least not before the next review. The third party just bitches about the BBRC and considers Undead now as unplayable.

Undead - quo vadis?

Noone can predict all consequences of this change on the Undead teams on FUMBBL, but I want to write down some assumptions here. With only two wights, coaches won't be able to build such front loaded starting teams as they could before, reducing the power of Undead in short running TR100-tournies. Therefore, they must rethink their tactic for those teams towards a less block-intensive playstyle. This might be more interesting in the low TR range, but when these teams breach the TR200 mark they will soon suffer from the lack of skilled and agile players. At this point, I can understand why people are demanding strength skills for wights. This would help the team to endure in the high TR ranges but won't be such a big help for the starting teams. I'm sure that many of you might disagree on some or even all of my points, but only time will show if I was right or wrong.


How the review affects your team
by m0nty

The following is a short listing of each race present on FUMBBL (including the unofficial Stunty Leeg teams) with pros and cons from the 2003 BBRC rules review. The Overall Score at the end of each race's listing is a score from 0 to 10 of how the review affected them... not a general rating of the strength or otherwise of the roster.

Gains: Zons don't get affected much, apart from maybe Piling On being a viable choice now. Games against dwarves will be a little easier without a Big Guy to deal with, and big games against Undead teams can be made a lot easier by hiring Zara the Slayer.
Losses: The omission of secret weapons from the review means zons don't get the chance to become a bit more bashy.
Overall Score: 6

Gains: They keep the Ogre, which helps them on the line of scrimmage. Piling On is now more of an option for Beastmen, especially since their AV8 means being fouled when on the ground isn't so risky. Also, Minotaurs can now line up on the line of scrimmage without fear of being trapped, leaving the Beastmen to blitz with their Horns in the backfield on defence.
Losses: The Minotaur becomes weaker on offence, and is now very iffy as a ball carrier. Will have to rely heavily on regular Beastmen to score.
Overall Score: 3

Chaos Dwarf
Gains: A very strong team just got stronger. Bull Centaurs look better in comparison to the flawed Big Guys now. CD coaches who choose Minotaurs won't have to worry about WA traps. Those six Chaos Dwarf Blockers can share round some Piling On without worrying about being fouled so much if plenty of their mates get Guard as well.
Losses: The Minotaur becomes weaker on offence, although this isn't a huge problem with those two BCs.
Overall Score: 9

Chaos Halfling
Gains: Their two Minotaurs won't suffer so much from Wild Animal traps, although this isn't so much of a problem in Stunty Leeg.
Losses: No access to the Halfling Chef, and less Pro.
Overall Score: 4

Chaos Pact
Gains: The Minotaur is more trustworthy on the line of scrimmage. Piling On is definitely an option now, particularly for the relatively cheap Chaos Marauders.
Losses: The Minotaur is flawed now, so instead of having three ST5 blockers, CP coaches effectively have two and a half with the new WA rule. Also, the nerfing of Pro denies an easy source of rerolls for a team whose team rerolls are very expensive.
Overall Score: 2

Dark Elf
Gains: A particularly adventurous DE coach can now dabble in a bit of Piling On. Nothing much else to report, as with all existing elf variants.
Losses: Secret weapons would have been nasty in the hands of DEs, but alas no.
Overall Score: 7

Gains: The Runesmith is an interesting addition, although the high cost of 50k per rune will probably limit its use. It is doubtful whether that 50k will win you many matches, even in the most likely use in tournament finals. Zara the Slayer might come in handy in tournament finals against Undead - and FUMBBL finals between dwarves and undead are fairly common.
Losses: No more Ogre. It could be argued that this is not a huge problem, since dwarves are bashy enough without Big Guys.
Overall Score: 5

Gains: Entering open play is a gain in itself, of course, even if existing FUMBBL Elf teams in Division X can't move across to Open. The replacement of Leap with Nerves of Steel on the Catcher is a gain also, as NoS is a trait while Leap is a normal skill - and this change could give the Elf team the impetus to take it past Wood Elves as the best scoring team in Blood Bowl.
Losses: The only loss for the Elves is their training wheels.
Overall Score: 9

Gains: None. Nada. Zip. Nothing. Fairies are arguably the weakest team in all of FUMBBL, and they got no joy from the rules review. Even Piling On is not really an option, as that would lead to more fouling pain than it's worth.
Losses: Not only did hopes of getting reliable Treemen get dashed, the Hypnotic Gaze skill which Pixies rely on so much was also decimated, removing most of their attractiveness as blitzers. No more access to Pro for anyone but the Treemen, and then only on a double skill roll. No secret weapons either.
Overall Score: 0

Gains: The only gain is that other sides don't get access to secret weapons, making the gnome's bombs rarer and thus more valuable.
Losses: No more Pro for anyone except for the Orc Slayer on a double skill roll.
Overall Score: 5

Gains: Let me see, Piling On? It's a good roleplaying option if nothing else!
Losses: Argh, no more Ogre and Pro nerfed as well! There goes most of the infamous gobbo Throw Team Mate playbook! Trolls are a poor substitute as a TTM option - less AG, less movement, less likelihood to earn enough SPPs to get throwing skills... and there's always a chance that the Troll will decide to chow down on his little green buddy. Gobbos were also going to be the big winners in the proposed secret weapons rules, but that didn't happen, and the inevitable gobbos with Dirty Player don't get the relaxed fouling laws either. It's all pain for the poor little varmints.
Overall Score: 1

Goblin Cheaters
Gains: Their highest level of access to secret weapons is maintained to the exclusion of the normal gobbos.
Losses: Pro is now impossible for the Fanatic and Chainsaw gobbos, leaving them more susceptible to death and mechanical failure respectively. The Kicker would have benefited from some of the mooted fouling laws being debated, but sanity prevailed!
Overall Score: 4

Gains: The Halfling Chef could be the sleeper twink of this review, or it could prove to be useless - the proof will be in the pudding, so to speak. Chefs will be particularly handy in low-TR games, and could also be annoying to opposition teams who need rerolls a lot, like Chaos. The nerfing of Pro will make the Chef even more valuable.
Losses: Alas, poor Ogre, I knew him well. 1 in 4 games will start with no Big Guy at all for the 'flings, and only 25% of the time will both Trees front up for the kick-off. The Throw Team Mate playbook is now sorely limited for the hobbits, even with all the extra rerolls from the Chef. The non-appearance of secret weapons also removes another bashy option for the halflings.
Overall Score: 3

High Elf
Gains: No direct gains, save for the fact that they escaped any serious attacks on their strong scoring potential.
Losses: Apart from possibly losing their reputation as the race with the best passing game in Blood Bowl to the new Elf roster, not much either. An Elf with a Chainsaw would have been a fearsome sight, but that will not happen, thankfully!
Overall Score: 7

Gains: They retain the Ogre, which is a relative gain compared to those races which lost them. Zara the Slayer will be useful in certain situations. Piling On might even be an option for human players now, not just the Ogre.
Losses: Nothing really. The only slight loss is easy access to the Pro skill, but that's not so bad.
Overall Score: 8

Gains: Open Sesame! Lots of lovely new types of meatbags to punish. With the various nerfs to Big Guys, the four Mummies now look incredibly tough in comparison, making the Khemri arguably the toughest to match up against on the line of scrimmage. The twinking of the Blitz-Ra to AV8 confirms the Khemri's bashy status. With Ramtut III on hand for tourney finals, it will be interesting to see whether they can pay enough attention to the ball to make it to the finals of FUMBBL competitions.
Losses: The leash!
Overall Score: 10

Gains: Kroxigors start to look a lot better in comparison to other Big Guys, even with the added difficulty of getting Pro, but nothing much else affects them.
Losses: Skinks now have no chance at all of getting Pro - but if they rolled doubles on a skill they probably wouldn't have chosen it anyway, so no great loss.
Overall Score: 7

Gains: Not much, although having an Ogre on hand is more than can be said for other teams.
Losses: Skinks can't get Pro, but not much here either.
Overall Score: 8

Gains: Freedom! The Necros avoid the nerfs handed out to Big Guys, and get access to Ramtut III as well as Count Luthor Von Drakenborg.
Losses: They lose two of their Wights, and they also don't get the speculated changes to Flesh Golems and Werewolves to make them more bashy. In fact, the Werewolves get nerfed a bit by their Claws being dulled with a manicure. Small price to pay for all the fresh blood to feast upon!
Overall Score: 4

Gains: They keep access to the Ogre, although some of the proposals for Barbarian or Ice Trolls doing the rounds before the review was finalised might have proved interesting. Zara the Slayer will be crucial in many games versus undead races. Also, Piling On might prove to be a popular first choice for Norse Linemen, greatly increasing their chance for cheap SPPs.
Losses: Pro will be scarcer, but rerolls are not usually a problem for the Norse.
Overall Score: 4

Nurgle's Rotters
Gains: The disease is already spreading. The changes to the Beast are positive: for the loss of one ST point, they get access to the very powerful Tentacles mutation, making them hell to play on the line of scrimmage.
Losses: That loss of ST on the Rotter means three-die blocks will be rarer, but it's hard to see many coaches complaining. Everyone has access to general skills so the nerfing of Pro isn't so bad.
Overall Score: 9

Gains: The addition of Tentacles to the Beast makes Nurglings a lot more competitive in Stunty Leeg. Two Beasts acting in unison can dominate large areas of the pitch now.
Losses: Nurglings get no chance of getting Pro now, but they usually have plenty of money left to buy rerolls anyway.
Overall Score: 9

Gains: More Ogres!
Losses: Less Goblins! Actually, that's not all. There were some suggestions to make an Ogre Thrower position, but this was not followed through. Ogres were not expected to make the cut for official status, so the fact that they stay experimental isn't so bad.
Overall Score: 6

Old World
Gains: Piling On is a definite team improvement option now for dwarves and/or human linemen.
Losses: Treemen were not improved.
Overall Score: 7

Gains: Those Black Orc Blockers don't have so much to fear from opposing Minotaurs or Rat Ogres - don't underestimate the benefit of that extra reliable ST. The Minotaur is now safe to defend on the line of scrimmage.
Losses: No more Ogre, and the Minotaur is weaker on offence, although Troll is still a reliable choice. Goblins get no access to Pro either, so Orcs lose much of their Throw Team Mate strategic potential.
Overall Score: 7

Gains: A more reliable Rat Ogre on the defensive line. A lot of coaches use the RO as a "goalkeeper" to blitz from the backfield, but this will have to change.
Losses: A less useful Rat Ogre on offence. Blitzing on defence will be more difficult too with the WA changes - perhaps more use will have to be made of the Dauntless/Horns skill combo.
Overall Score: 4

Gains: Not much, although they escape the problems that many other Stunty Leeg races will have to deal with after the nerfing of Big Guys.
Losses: No access to Pro for the Skink Linemen or the Adepts of Sotek.
Overall Score: 4

Gains: Snotlings welcome the Halflings and Goblins to the world of crappy TTM! Three Trolls make the Snotlings one of the more bashy Stunty Leeg teams, and this has not changed.
Losses: The removal of any chance of getting Pro means virtually nothing to Snotlings since rerolls are like candy to them.
Overall Score: 5

Gains: Survival! Despite all evidence to the contrary, the BBRC decided to keep the vanilla Undead around for old time's sake.
Losses: The loss of two Wights wil cause some wailing amongst coaches, but they're lucky to keep their teams in Open division at all. All Undead positionals have access to General skills so they can all get Pro on a double skill roll. Strangely, they don't get access to Ramtut III, and their only other star player, Count Luthar, has had his Hypnotic Gaze skill nerfed.
Overall Score: 3

Gains: They gain access to... the drawing board! It has all ended in tears for the poor vamps.
Losses: If being rejected from official status wasn't enough bad news, the Hypnotic Gaze characteristic has been gutted, making it harder for vamps to blitz in heavy traffic.
Overall Score: 0

Wood Elf
Gains: Some coaches might argue that Wood Elves are the biggest winners of all out of this rules review, since there are no changes which address their clear advantage in open play, as evidenced by FUMBBL's result records. Woodies might even consider taking Piling On!
Losses: The only concrete disadvantage is that Treemen were not improved. Not many WEs take Pro, but they can all get access to it through a double skill roll anyway.
Overall Score: 7

Ready reckoner for winners and losers (FUMBBL-only Stunty Leeg races in italics):
10: Khemri
9: Chaos Dwarf, Elf, Nurgle's Rotters, Nurglings
8: Human, Lustrian
7: Dark Elf, High Elf, Lizardmen, Old World, Orc, Wood Elf
6: Amazon, Ogre
5: Dwarf, Gnome, Snotling
4: Necromantic, Norse, Skaven, Chaos Halfling, Goblin Cheaters, Skink
3: Chaos, Halfling, Undead
2: Chaos Pact
1: Goblin
0: Vampire, Fairies

The Emasculated Minotaur
by xJx

Current polls show that Minotaurs really got the short end of the stick on the Rules Review. With that in mind, freelance reporter xJx dared a Chaos locker room post match to interview a minotaur who wished to be called Timmy, in case the BBRC decided to take even greater revenge on his people than they already have. A goblin shaman provided a spell for xJx so he could speak the mino language fluently.

GLN: Welcome Timmy. How are you feeling?

Timmy: Well, to be blunt, blunted.

GLN: Blunted?

Timmy: Yes. Blunted. I feel like I lost my horns, not just the two small ones you see here on my forehead.
*Timmy points at his 2 HUGE horns capped in mithril and stained in blood coming out of his head*
But the big one too. You know, I used to bounce on a juicy looking target every once in a while when I really got into match. Nothing like piling onto someone with the one big horn to work the blood up and get the fans going! Nowadays that doesn't have the same effect on my foes and I'm left on the ground, bellowing in impotent rage at the cruel fate that has befallen me and my kind.

GLN: I understand...

Timmy: Don't cut me off. They might have nerfed me on the pitch but this is a locker room and I'm standing between you and the door.

GLN: Sorry, didn't mean to be rude or anything.

Timmy: That's right, sorry about the outburst. As I was saying, these new rules of proper conduct on the field are quite ridiculous. For example after I have bounced on some nice looking member of the opposing team they suppose that I'll stand up, bellow in rage and then politely hit the turf and let the play continue. Can you believe this outrage? They expect me to behave like a silly human that just dropped a full Bloodweiser on the ground and watched it get smashed and drain down the sewer pipe, rather then fierce creature I am. I was made to charge around goring people, sending skavens into the stands for the goblins to dine on, exciting the Blood Bowl fans! My status has been reduced to crippled beastman. Put me on the line of scrimmage until I die - no running, no goring, no drama or excitement. If i fall down, there's a good chance I wont stand up again, just like some stupid Treeman on a halfling team!
*Timmy stands up still and impotently bellows in rage*
You're lucky! If I had passed my Wild Animal roll, I would have charged you in an old school Frenzy!

GLN: The entire female population of Finland is lucky as well Timmy. This new Wild Animal rule sounds quite outrageous! What sort of plans do you and your many fellow minotaurs have on handling this?

Timmy: We have sent in some persuaders and hope to get a clarification on this whole "Stand up, bellow in rage, hit the turf" recommendation. We feel that insults the intelligence of our fans and is a bad mistake. We really hope to get it sorted out as soon as possible. There are other issues as well, but I feel like we owe our fans a quick solution on this one. A group of older retired minotaurs have cut their horns off and are picketing JJ's (Jervis Johnson) house. Maybe that will help too.

GLN: A charging wild animal flinging a goblin into the stands was always exciting.

Timmy: Yeah, the fans are what makes this sport so special. I like causing death, destruction and general mayhem on my free time just as much as the next guy.
*Timmy points to his team's apothecary, who is sharpening his scalpel with a religious devotion*
But without the fans cheering me on it just isn't the same.

GLN: That's great to hear. I always love to do interviews with true professionals like you. Any parting words to our readers?

Timmy: Yeah, I'm a pro. Unfortunately, with these new rulings, you probably won't see too many pros in the new generation of minotaurs on the pitch. I feel like you'll be seeing all sorts of tentacled freaks but not too many old school pros. That's a real shame. I also think there won't be as many minotaurs on the pitch as there once were. Chaos teams are going to raid the troll waste more often to capture trolls for their teams, and Norse are probably going to hire up ogres. It's a damn shame I tell you. Praise to chaos undivided!

GLN: All hail chaos!

Under the Bowl - Smiffy the Spruiker
by m0nty (ghost-writing for Herald O. Riviera)

Here we are once more with me, GLN's roving reporter Herald O. Riviera, with another in GLN's series of interviews with the people who are the heart and soul of Blood Bowl. We have already met bootstudder Halfmoon Proudfoot and referee Hubert Hornblower, and today we're going to do something a little different... we;re not talking to anyone inside the ground, but a member of one of the most important groups in Blood Bowl: the street vendor.

The subject of our interview this issue is Smiffy the Spruiker, one of the most successful purveyors of sporting memorabilia and merchandise in the business. His background is shrouded in mystery, suffice to say that he comes from a little-known part of Brettonia where the people have been so far removed from the wider world that their speech patterns have devolved back to more primitive states. Thus he speaks in a dialect peculiar to his native region, which is called Khoknee, situated next to a peculiarly-coloured lake called the Pool Of Liver. Smiffy is not the most well-known export of Khoknee (that being a rather fleshy-looking musical troupe called the Meatles) but like all of his brethren he retains a sunny disposition and a charming personality, even if you can't understand what he's saying half the time. We stopped by his stand before a big game to ask his thoughts on the Blood Bowl phenomenon.

GLN: Hello Smiffy... may I call you Smiffy, or is it Mr Spruiker?

StS: Wotcher guv! You looking to shell out some clams for some gear, squire?

GLN: I beg your pardon?

StS: I'm seeing iffen you're in the market for a bit of the other, know what I mean?

GLN: No, I don't know what you mean. Listen here, I'm from the Grotty Little Newspaper and I....

StS: Ohhhh, Gordon Bennet! Now I remember, they said there was some poncin' little toffee-nosed geezer coming down to bend me shell-like. What can I do you for?

GLN: I'd like to ask a few questions. First, why are you called Smiffy the Spruiker?

StS: Well, see, me monicker is Smiffy, and spruiking is wot I does, mate. Spruiking is wot I was just doing a second ago til you poked your hooter in, asking geezers if they want to buy any of the special little items I've got on sale 'ere.

GLN: How have you been going at the sale game lately?

StS: I'm knackered mate! It's been chockers all day. There's all these new races in Blood Bowl, and all the fans are flocking to see if they can cut it wiv the bovver boys in the open divisions. It's a nice little earner!

GLN: I see. So what are the fans buying a lot of at the moment?

StS: Well, I'm clearing out banners for the new Elf teams like they're going out of fashion. Matter of fact, fashion is all that the fans look for from those Elves... they don't worry about goin' the biff on the opposition, it's all blimmin' hair products and facial cream with those jammy gits. I'm selling out of handkerchiefs at their games.

GLN: How about the new types of undead teams? The Khemri, for example?

StS: Bleedin' disaster, mate. The lifeless sods aren't much chop in the way of merchandising opportunities. I mean, how can you sell authentic replica uniforms for a team that is full of skeletons who don't wear any flippin' clothes? The only joy I'm getting out of the Khemri team is selling hospital gauze so all the fans can wrap themselves up to look like the mummies.

GLN: What about the Necromantics?

StS: That's a bit better. Them werewolves is popular with the punters, especially when they forget about the ball and start slittin' up some poor blokes like they was tissue paper. I've had a lot of success selling fake claws so the fans can practise their disembowelling skills, and there has even been some sales of green face paint amongst some shifty lookin' geezers who are into that whole zombie scene. Still, each to their own, eh guvnor!

GLN: Quite. How has the recent news about the Vampire teams in Blood Bowl affected business?

StS: Oh blimey, it's been a bloodbath, squire. I used to have hordes of beautiful girls here every week following vamp teams, wanting to buy flavoured creams to apply to their necks to make them more attractive to their idols, or girly magazines giving the latest details of who's been biting whom. They were ponying up the dosh every week for that stuff, just so they could try to be the first amongst their friends to be sucked by their very own batman. Now the vamps seem to have lost their appeal. I think it's something to do with their eyes... they don't seem so bloodshot any more. I even get some of the players stopping by these days on the quiet to buy books on how to hypnotise people. They seem to think they've lost their bottle! The only girls who turn up to their games these days are right old slappers, let me tell you.

GLN: From what I can see of your stand, you seem to be having a clearance sale of some sort. Is there a certain range of items which aren't very popular any more?

StS: Larks-a-lawdy, you've hit the nail on the head, guv. I can't shift a single unit of gear for minotaurs and rat ogres any more. For some reason, the fans have gone right off them. Mind you, I can see why... they've suddenly started acting like little crybabies on the field. I used to sell heaps and heaps of mino masks and rat ogre tails for the kiddies to wear, so they could pretend they were the ones out on the field bashing up the elves, but now they're sitting on the shelf there like shags on a rock. I did have a bit of success with a line of huge novelty baby dummies, but the fans have tired of even that after one of them got shoved down its owner's throat by a particularly angry mino who decided to stop roaring for a while. Crikey, it was a bugger of a job getting the mino calmed down after that! I've also started selling some air deodorisers, because I don't know if you know anything about what minotaurs and rat ogres eat before the game, but their breath stinks to high heaven and all that roaring can make the air rather muggy after a while.

GLN: How distatsteful. I suppose we should end the interview on that note. Anything you would like to say to the Blood Bowl fans out there?

StS: Bloody oath! Come down to Smiffy the Spruiker's Super-Mart! We've got everything a true Blood Bowl fan could need! Just look for our tent on your way to the stadium!

GLN: Yes yes, that's enough blatant self-promotion. Good day to you, and be with us next issue when we interview another quiet achiever of Blood Bowl. Herald O. Riviera reporting for GLN.

Feast or Famine? An Insight into Stadium's Victuals.
by Perry ProudBelly

When I was hired by the GLN to do free lance reporting I told the editor straight off that I would not write a typical article. Rules. Boring! Team development. Boring! What is exciting about a BllodBowl Match? The food and beer of course! So I am going to write an article rating the feed and drink at various stadiums.

We start off at the We Will Survive stadium. They were playing the Northwood Rangers. Using my press pass I got front row seats and using the GLN business account I started ordering beer right off. They had a decent generic Bloodweiser that sold for the cheapest but as everyone is familair with it I skipped it. I went for a local stout and found out why they survived. This stout can bring the dead back to life to get another chance to sip this nectar! It had a strong creamy flavor and slid down your throat like liquid bread. To got with this exquisite stout they had wandering pretzel vendors. Let me tell you never had I such a delicious pretzel. These flings have created the perfect pretzel to go with the perfect stout. As my eyes wandered for the next vendor to come by I noticed Hit and Hide run in for a touchdown. This led to a huge cheer as apple brandy shots were half price for 2 turns after a We Will Survive touchdown. This local brandy lacks the depth and texture of a good Brettonian brandy but for local color and price it was a good enough to drink and you can also use it to strip the paint off your models! I can see why it is only served locally. After the match I was led to the We Will Survive "we didn't lose" after party where Joy Joy, the hobit fatality, was held in honor his painting on the mantel with a stout and a pretzel on each side of his painting. Typical hobbit grub (whch means filling and excellent) was served at the post game party and the injured hobbits were given comfortable chairs and served by a dutiful apothecary. We Will Survive are excellent hosts and their food is superb. Well worth the price of admission. 4/5 Pints for We Will Survives stadium vendors.

I next found myself booking a coach on Christer's business card heading for the Grotty Little Stadium. The Grotty Little Wankers were hosting the Thundersteppe Surge I got to the "stadium" which was a marked off piece of dirt with rocks and dirt outside the stadium to sit on/amongst. The goblins all showed up with coals and bags of dead rats to eat. They stayed away fromt he chaos dwarf fans that showed up and every so often a chaos dwarf would wander off and return with a goblin in chains. The thrifty chaos dwarfs have combined their two favorite past times slave raiding and BloodBowl, sheer genious! As I waited for a vendor (none arrived) I took in a little of the match which consisted of chaos dwarfs pummeling goblins. I asked a nearby fan where the grub was and he offered me a rat on a stick which I declined. He then offered me a sip from his flask which I took. After I had a burp produce flames I declined anymore of the local liquor. After the defeat the head Coach of the Wankers invited me back to the team house for a meal. As I got there i saw Grot Teef the Everliving eating live snotlings kept in the stars personal snotling pen. None of the other team members were eating when I inquired why i got a terse response about how there had been no one killed on the field and the coach only lets them eat the dead on the pitch. My lowest grade ever 0/5 Pints for the Wankers.

I quickly left the Wankers and noted that the next stadium I was to go to was in the land of the Tomb Kings. Tomb Kings eh? Well kings know how to feast! Upon reaching the stadium of the Bhagar Ancestors I took in the architecture. They have a very nice stadium, a sandy field in a huge sandstone colliseum. In this hot climate I was looking forward to a cold beer. The Bhagar ancestors were playing the Greenwood Raiders, a pro elf team that accepted a invitation to come and play in this land. The stadium slowly filled with a deathly silent audience of skeletons that looked at the field with a burning intensity. I looked around dismayed and realised my chance of feed and drink were low indeed. To my surprise i was wrong. It seems that the Baghar had gotten a prize contract with Bloodweiser and Bloodweiser had hired a family of hobbits to oversee distribution in this stadium! The skeltons bought the beer and food and went through the motions of consuming it. It was a bit spooky seeing chewed food and beer pass right down onto their seats! It seems that they were done with life but not it's trappings. I was given a cold Bloodweiser, not exciting but greatly appreciated in this climate. On the menu were also stale crisps, old sausages and for some reason.. lutfisk. It seems Bloodweiser used this stadium as a dumping ground for its old food that was no longer viable in stadiums with living fans. Prices were low and the atmoshphere of the game encouraged me to eat and drink to assure myself I was alive. The total silence except for the sound of bones breaking on the pitch was eerie but since I could eat and drink to my hearts content without fighting other fans for a vendor's attention I was satisfied. After the match I decided to tag along with the Greenwood Rangers back to civilization.1/5 pints for the Baghar Ancestors.

Hobgoblins Always Win!

Hobgoblins Always Win is the translation of the team name for a group of enslaved hobgoblins. They were Enslaved by an unknown Slavelord who demanded that these poor little hobgoblins work their butts off in the FUMBBL League and earn him a cool Million Gold. There is even a rumor that the Slave Lord is a retired Hobgoblin Slave that played for a legendary Chaos Dwarf team The Twinkling Marauders.

A study of hobgoblin psychology performed by Doctor Walter the Lowlander from The University of Altdorf shows that the concept of losing is indeed unknown to the hobgoblin psyche, hence the yell:"Hobgoblin always win!". A sage once reported an entire hobgoblin army slaughtered by a single Dwarven hero. The sole surviving hobgoblin escaped and yelled to his superior; "We won, we won!" And then was he was killed.

A recent interview with the scared Hobgoblin Hero of the team Heizer, by Dr. Walter the Lowlander, proved that this psychology is indeed true.

GLN: Why do Hobgoblins always win?
Heizer: I tie my own shoelaces every game and therefore I also win every game.
GLN: Why are you so scared?
Heizer: Did you ever have to perform certain pleasurable favors for a minotaur after a match?
GLN: Point taken.
GLN: The estimate is that the Team will quite soon be able to pay off the Million in cash and any donation will be most welcome. Or maybe invite them to a nice rowdy match with loads of fans! One final question for you, Heizer; what will you do when everything is payed off?
GLN: Hey wait! Why are you running? Come back! Are you running away from that Minotaur in heat? Oooh that's gross. Good luck you poor sods.

A Gobbos Tale -- Part 1

This is a tale of a time long ago, before BloodBowl fell into oblivion, a tale about a little goblins amazing career. All characters and events in this story are totally fictious and any similarities to real life and/or FUMBBL characters are totally unintended. Furthermore the author admits that the abilities of some characters in this story may not be consist with any of the official or unofficial BloodBowl rules known - this is just a story!,

Our tale starts back in the old days when BloodBowl had already risen and was a source of fun and entertainment for the whole family. BloodBowl teams toured all over the old world and challenged the local players, many villages built stadiums so they could sell tickets for these events and of course some resourceful people recognized the opportunity they were given and started small shops or restaurants near these stadiums. So did G'ark Ton'k, a lifelong member of a little nameless orcish town. G'ark made lots of money selling food and "special services" to the players, their fans and their staff. G'ark employed several citizens, one of them was a little goblin called Gnot. One day "Da Deadly Raiderzzz" came to town, a team that has been well known amongst the BloodBowl fans for their fast, precise and hard play, after they won their match by crushing the resident team, they came to the tavern to celebrate their victory, where little Gnot happend to be scheduled for their service.

The victory celebration started off normally, like every after match party Gnot got before, the players drank, ate and called for their groupies, then they drank some more, ate some more and called even louder for their groupies. Soon they started smashing the chattels and got more and more aggressive.

As Gnot came to their table, serving the 9th tray of Clay jars filled with moonshine, Gnarshik and Tsork, two of the teams meanest players started to hurl the clay jars at Gnot, just for the fun of it. At first they enjoyed Gnot dodging their attacks and the rest of the team began to laugh and urge them on, but as they could not hit the dodgy little git with the clay missiles they soon got angry at Gnot.

Tsork jumped up and tried to give Gnot his best block, but since he was a little too drunk his attack was not as quick as it was on the pitch. Gnot could step aside without being smashed. Quickly Gnarshik was after him to give him a straight pummel to the head. Gnot dodged his fist in the very last second and Gnarshiks hand crushed another table. Now the team encouraged the little goblin, because they where deeply impressed that this little goblin took on two opponents that were both double his size instead of running away.

In fact Gnot was just to petrified to think about fleeing but the orcs did not notice. All of a sudden an old and ugly orc in the back of the room and spoke. "Noreg, help him!"

A huge ogre rose from his chair, walked towards the three fighters and placed himself between the goblin and his two tormentors, who instantly ceased their attacks as they recognized their teammates presence.

"I'm G'morg, da fab'lous. Coach and man'ga of Da Deadly Raiderzzz. Uh arr quick my lil' friend and fearless, i like dat." The old orc kindly said.

Gnot didn't get what that fat and ugly guy was talking about, he was still triying not to collapse due to the stress he was been exposed to.

"How 'bout, uh join us?" offered G'morg after farting louder than anyone could possibly imagine.

"Me... me just serv'n beer and food, no play da ball." The little goblin countered.

As he turned to leave, G'morg continued "Uh, godda becom' a sta'".

"Me havink to go... Master callin'" Gnot stammered as he hurried back to bar, never would he go on a pitch to get himself crippled, especially when even his socalled teammates would try to tear him apart, never. He left the bar room, he needed some fresh air.

His little body shivered as he sat on the backstairs of the tavern and heard the hard footsteps of his boss coming nearer. He silently prayed to Morg to make his boss not shout at him and call him lazy good for nothing and curse him and all his descendants like he used to do when Gnot did something wrong or he was in a bad moot. The steps stopped right behind Gnot and he prepared to encounter a very angry orc as he turned his head around but all he saw was the opening of a huge bag. Quickly Gnot found himself inside the bag.

"Iiiieeeek.....!!! Wha'cha doink... letting oudda 'ere....!!!" Gnot began to screamed but he was instantly silenced as he got pounded on the wall.

"Dey wnt'cha, dey get'cha.. paying good for lousy git, hehe," a sinister voice explained.

From this moment Gnot knew that he had no chance to escape the awful orcs and tried to imagine how they are going to torture him before he finally died.

-- To be continued... --


First lets go over each player and what they can add to the team.

Werewolves: Most versatile player on the team with stats like 8 3 3 8 Catch, Frenzy, Claw 120K. A good Necromantic team revolves around these players. The good thing about them is that they can kill with great ease because of claw and they can score with relative ease if they are most anywhere in the opponents half of the field. The downside is they are targets of the rival coach and are fouled A LOT without any way of them surviving (No regenerate or Apothicary).

Flesh Golem: Big Guy of the team with 4 4 2 9 Regenerate, Thick Skull, Stand Firm 120k. They are hard to initially get SPP but once they get a few skills they become monsters that rarely go away with regenerate and thick skull. They can also attempt dodges if you want because of stand firm. their downside is that they are slow and regenerate works only half the time.

Wight: Jacks of all trades for necros with 6 3 3 8 Block, Regenerate 90K. Now with only 2 they lose some of their usefulness. They are good for picking up the ball and throwing it to the wolves. Also good as mobile assists their downside is they are only able to get general skills.

Ghoul: Better and worse than Wights 7 3 3 7 Dodge 70K. They are Cheaper than wights for the reason that they die too much for them to get very good. Their speed makes them perfect for ball handlers before giving it to the wolf good at being a distraction and at being low key enough to get open but the problem is av 7 no regen.

Zombie: MOOOOOOK- 4 3 2 8 Regenerate- they are mooks. If you get a skill with them then you are lucky. Good at dieing on the line and being put in the way. They are cheap and they get raised so if one gets a niggle you have yourself an assistant coach.

The starting rosters I like are the following.
My favourite:
Wolves X2
Wights X2
Flesh Golem
Zombie X5
2 Rerolls
9 Fanfactor
Total cost 990,000

This lineup is good because the first 2-3 games are the most important for your Wolves. What you would want to do in these games (at least the first) is avoid teams with a lot of block or dodge and go for lower armor teams (try to go for elf teams, humans, and Khemri). You can have a good chance vs. a lot of different teams but I suggest to not play against big beat em up teams with 9 av(dwarves and experienced chaos teams) and avoid at first norse and amazon till you have at least both wolves with block.

First games Stratagies Have the zombies and the flesh golem take out the guys in the middle and let the fast players blitz and block their guts out (and with claws lots of guts will be coming out.) Although getting lots of casualties is good the key in the first game is to get at least 1 of your wolves up WITHOUT relying on the MVP so also get them touchdowns.

Hopefully within 1 or 2 games both of your wolves have block (or if they got doubles I would suggest dauntless, mighty blow, or jump up). Once the wolves have gotten 1 or 2 skills each if you want you can get them to be huge stars with lots of skills (such as tackle sure hands sure feet and sprint) while leaving the rest of the team behind or you could let your ghouls and wights make all the touchdowns and just have the werewolves scoring casualties.

You want the fan factor to be 9 for this team because you want to get a 2nd Flesh golem and ghoul as soon as possible and the wolves are A LOT of money to replace and they die a lot. Now the flesh golems arent going to go up in SPP very fast but when they do, take block then guard then break tackle so you have a great mover with guard who wont get knocked out easily. They key to the team though lies in the ghouls and wights skills. The first wight to go up should take sure hands and then if he ever gets a double get pass. Wights don?t get access to many skill so taking sure hands then pass means that they always get 1 spp a game by completions. The ghouls on the other hand should not be the passers they normally are just because if you do make one a passer he will probably die quickly as ghouls often do. Instead they should focus on skills that are beneficial to the team and good for protecting themselves. Take block first then sidestep so if you ever get doubles you can take something like guard and just sidestep into a good place while staying alive because of your Blodge. Now the zombies are the easy part. One gets kick, one gets dirty player, the rest get block. If doubles comes your way take mighty blow or guard.

The key to winning with the Necromantic team is to be careful with the wolves and ghouls. Tend to set up with the flesh golems in the middle on the line or in the wide zones as a barrier between the enemy and the wolves. Throwing 3 zombies on the line is also a good tactic if you want to save your Golems.

Admin Corner

Alot of things have happened since the last issue. The factions are running at a bi-weekly schedule and teams doesn't seem to be able to play their games either way. It might be due to people being away doing other things in preparation for the holiday so we will likely keep the bi-weekly schedule a while longer before I make any big changes. On a good note, I still don't see a clear dominance by bashy or agile teams which indicates that the faction system is good overall. Maybe there will be more games when the client supports handicaps.

Another big event since the last issue is obviously the rules review. Unfortunately, I was out of town when it was published so Mr-Klipp did all the changes for the site. Overall, I'm happy with the rules review. The BBRC did a good job and it's nice to see that the game improves. Obviously, there is still work to be done and I am sure the last few issues will be ironed out eventually.

I finally got around to adding support for the FUMBBL Login option in the client. Obviosuly, there has been some initial chaos when people had to switch but I'm certain that people will manage to set it up properly. It does add effort to teaching newcomers how to play here but the added benefits are more than worth that trouble. I'm sure you all have seen the changes in the "Games" page. Over time, it will allow us to make sure people don't abandon games by marking teams as "in game".

You have more than likely noticed the new support system and the "Security Officers" (or Gorillas for short). It is working quite well so far and it has helped us resolve your support requests at a much quicker and structured way. Naturally, most of the improvements are on the admin view of things so you don't see nearly as much benefit from it as we admins do. Suffice to say, it's much much better now.

With us nearing the end of the year, and pretty much the first birthday of the current FUMBBL system, it seems likely that we will hit 100,000 games played before the end of the year. I didn't imagine we'd wnd up with that many games back in January, that's for sure.

The site is growing steadily and it shows in the usage graphs. At peak times, the CPU is struggling to keep up with the load. It's running at 100% capacity for minutes in a row which is more than likely noticeable for you. Therefore, I am once again calling upon you all to donate a small sum in order for me to be able to upgrade the CPU again. I am aiming for a dual CPU setup this time which will increase the performance quite noticeably. Naturally, a setup like this doesn't come cheap and it with the US$ low, it would end up at around $700. I do not think this sum is unobtainable, given the number of coaches that play regularly. For instance, if each of the coaches who played within the last 24 hours donated as little as $2 it would cover the cost of the new hardware.

As this is likely the last issue before christmas, I want to wish you all a merry christmas and a happy new year (adapt this wish for well-being to something suitable if you have other religious beliefs :) ).

On that note, I'll leave you to reading the rest of this issue and remember to play lots of games so that we do hit the 100k games!

Match of the Issue
by Mully

It is a brilliant sunny day here in Argoth where the Chaos Dwarf Clydesdale Blitzers at 19-2-4 take on the human Night Priests at 30-3-1. This battle of titans should be a fast moving, yet hard hitting affair.

The Blitzers coached by Game Avatar are led by a couple of spunky hobgoblins Ara and Borz.

The Night Priests are coached by SoftnFluffy and are led by their star QB/Receiver combo Runner Gyn and Old Priest Grunder Mayun.

The CDs have won the toss and choose to receive.

OH MY !!! It looks like the refs are drooling over the Night Priest scantily clad cheerleaders because the Priests have raced over the line of scrimmage and set up a position before the ball has even hit the ground. And catcher Runner Mul has snared the ball from the air before the dwarves had a chance to react.

Boy if you thought the chaos dwarves were pissed before the game, look at them now. First block of the game by Xanthus and CRACK, time is called while a skilless lineman is taken away to the BH box. The hobgoblins move fearlessly to surround the cage.

The teams and the ball are at a standstill at the North end of the field while a minor scrum is occurring at the South end. Wait I spot the Apothecary sprinting out to the South end. Apparently superstar Night Priest lineman Apprentice Gurlip Burnt is lying on his back with a broken neck. Chaos Dwarf Black is pounding his chest shouting "I am an evil Dwarf, I am an evil Dwarf!." The Apoth has applied a neck brace and a generous supply of morphine and it looks like Burnt will continue to play. fans cheer

(Coach SoftnFluffy appears a bit worried now seeing the Apoth leave the field to get more supplies.

Catcher Nurf Muheaven knocks down his opponent and races into the endzone. Runner Mul runs up and hands off to thrower Old Priest Grunder Mayun. Grunder fumbles the ball but manages to scoop it back up before it hits the ground. He moves forward to throw but can't focus with the bright sun in his eyes. Into the crowd the ball goes! Back out of the crowd it comes. Apprentice Burnt has a sore neck from watching the ball go back and forth! Coach SoftnFluffy mutters, "This one is *censored* over, good game."

Fueled by this change of events chaos dwarf Marengo promptly sends Hendrix to the BH box. The momentum has swung!!!! Night Priest bodies are flying all over the place. Hobgoblin Narob sends a thrower to the KO box and before coach Game_Avatar can shout "Stop you stupid hobnob!" Narob runs over to pick up the ball and fumbles. Duh lets try that again and it's another fumble. Eleven dwarf and centaur members go limp at once. Thrower Grunder Mayun calmly runs over to pick up the ball and passes to the blitzer still standing in the end zone. Score 1-0 Priests.

2nd half kick off, Night Priests are set to receive. Down 1-0, the chaos dwarves start early with a blitz hoping the refs won't notice. (They didn't). However, they appear very timid this half. Especially Troll Fetid Bonesplitter who seems reluctant to take on the Night Priest Ogre. This could prove very costly as the dwarves can't gain much of a nimbers advantage.

Old Priest Grunder Mayun runs up to grab the ball while catcher Runner Gyn races upfield for a possible throw. CD Hobgoblin Borz races over and KOs Runner Gyn ,,, 1 threat eliminated. Grunder Mayun tosses the ball to Guard Nurf Muheaven who, hands it back to Grunder. Grunder then starts running back to his own endzone while Runner Mul races down the South sideline.

The blocking continues as the Night Priests put on a dodging clinic in front of the stunned dwarves. Yes, it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. And chaos dwarf Black is tired of fun and games as he Badly Hurts another Night Priest blitzer. Fluffy has that worried look again. In desparation and facing an angry centaur, Grunder Mayun runs forward and tosses a long pass to rookie lineman Servan Mujl and he has caught it!!!! Into the endzone he goes 2-0 Night Priests with less than a half to go.

With 3 players in the BH box and the Apoth AWOL, it doesn't look like the humans want any more of the chaos dwarf hospitality. Ouch.. now the Night Priest Ogre Superior Basher is out as well. This win might prove costly. Hobgoblin Borz has the ball for the dwarves and it looks like he will go the distance for an unchallenged. TD. A anticlimactic end to an exciting game.

Final Score Night Priests 2 - Clydesdale Blitzers 1.

Vocal Population
by Trog

GLN: Do you play tabletop blood bowl, in addition to the fumbbl site? If so, how frequently?
KidCrestHill: I play table top only at tourneys. I had some problems getting a game in my group here in chicago.
GLN: How often do you play in tourneys?
KidCrestHill: i own all the figs, and have them all painted.
GLN: Nice.
KidCrestHill: two times a year Chaos Cup and FanticCon, i was in a 10 player group, Pitch Invaion Blood Bowl Group in Chicago,but no one would play me, I had a nasty chaos team.
GLN: ahhhh...I see
KidCrestHill: I use to play about 10 games a week back in 1994-2000
GLN: so you've been playing a long time then?
KidCrestHill: Since 1988, first week the game came to the US

GLN:Heya Sionis, can I have a moment of your time? Has playing online improved your TT playing? And if so, how?
Sionis: Hmm... First off what's TT?
GLN: table top
Sionis: I think it has. Simply by learning what are good skill combos rather than being impulsive and getting "bashy" skills... I've learned to think about the bigger picture.
GLN: Thanks, i appreciate it

GLN: Heya Korkrest, can I have a moment of your time?
Korkrest: I have a moment, playing a faction match against Candle at the moment though.
GLN: What do you like/dislike about fumbbl?
Korkrest: I dislike the amount of exploiters, since I feel that bloodbowl is a great system, no system is flawless though, on fumbbl alot of coaches have realised that using Pile on in abundance on AV 9 is a great means to exploit the system.
GLN: Right.
Korkrest: this means that all chaos orc and similar teams wont get matches, because these exploiters have painted a picture that all "bashy" teams are like that on fumbbl.
Korkrest: What I like most on fumbbl? Do not take this as flattery, but id have to say the GLN.
GLN: It is a great rag, if i say so myself

Uncle Grum's Grudging Grumbles
by Uncle Grum*

Dear Uncle Grum,
I play thrower for the Insane Hacks, a chaos pact team. Besides the usual assortment of loonies associated with such a team, I am finding our chaos warrior to be a bit of a hand full. You see he likes to bully us smaller guys a bit. During our motivational pre-game speech he tries to do things like eat our poor little gutter runner Swifty Mcfurball or attempts to tear both of my arms off saying: "I'm gonna demote you to a kicker, human scum." Is there anything I can do to sate this animal before it is too late and he/it or she makes good on this offer?
Advice Appreciated,
Chicken Hearted Thrower

Dear Chicken Hearted,
Chaos warriors truly are a unique breed aint they. Well Chicken Heart you truly are a selfish turd you have completely misunderstood the intentions of this poor soul. You see he is only craving your approval, it is nothing more than an obvious cry for attention. Being favored by the Lords of Chaos tends to make it hard to relate to others. The poor warrior is probably just lonely. Anyway keeping any chaos warrior on one's side is always the wisest course of action, and if that aint possible keep him well feed.
Good Luck,
Uncle Grum


Dear Uncle Grum,
Me name is Ogden Stinkwart, head troll and Captain of the Feral Goblins. I think I got a problem with me hygiene cause none of the opponents we play will come near me, even me little gobo team mates wont stay around me for long. I don't fart or burp MUCH. Not more than the usual troll anyway. I even bath in Hellstench Bog twice a year so what's the problem? Puzzled,

Dear Stinky,
Arrrrr, you've reminded me of that once great troll stinker, Umga Buttbelch. It's reported he was once pushed into the crowd during a dungeon bowl game, clearing almost two hundred of the spectators away from him that were horrified at the ensuing stench that enveloped them. Buttbelch was often able to blow away opponent's blockers with a careful aim and an ill wind. Listen Stinky embrace your natural ability to disgust, it's a gift from the Gods of Green.
If smelling were a crime I'd be executed,
Uncle Grum


Dear Uncle Grum,
I'm the scribe and secretary of the Highborn Nobles writing on behalf of the former Lord Fairelf III. You may recall my Lord asking for you guidance a little while ago, in relation to a good starting schedule. Well Uncle Grum it seems you may have over estimated our ability just a tad. I don't mean to criticise your judgement, however few of our founding members are able to walk let alone play anymore. My former Lord Fairelf III himself is now incapable of becoming the Earl of Dawngate due to laws agaisnt undead inheriting lands on Ulthuanand my former lord NOW being a zombie when he got killed playing a undead team. An opponent I might add you suggested.
Explain Yourself,
Yathol Highwrite, Senior scribe and secretary of the Highborn Nobles.

Dear Yathol,
Oh my! I must sincerely apologise for I seem to have misunderstood. You see little scribe I accidentally offered his lordyness a list of starting teams for an Orc team to play, whatever was I thinking? Oh well. At least His Lordyness can take solace in the fact that I'll never do it again and am very sorry.
Most apologetically,
Uncle Grum
p.s. please send me the address of the Lord Fairelfs widow so i can personally console her.

Uncle Grum's Grumble: Here's a scenario for ya. You join a tournament all happy and full pride with your newly formed team, expectations are running high. Everything goes well for a few weeks, you win some games and lose some games but you're ok though cause your having fun and you've got the NADs to keep playing. Hell that's why we join tournaments isn't it? You think ok, Im down but not out. I'll PM my next opponent and get the ball rolling. You find out Joe Blow is your next opponent, you notice his win lose record is a little worse than yours, his teams a little beat up, could be a good game for you.
Joe Blow suddenly and without notifying anyone has disappeared off the face of the planet. You wait one week then two all the while checking your PM box, scouring forum threads endlessly searching for a sign of life from your opponent Joe. Has he gone off to save the planet? Has he been institutionalised? Has his vasectomy gone horribly wrong?
I'll tell you what happened!
The gutless gutter trash has piked on the tourny, but hasn't got the decency or nads to let anyone know. His teams been beatin to much for his liking and that's not his fault it's everyone elses fault. The worthless pea heart aint got what it takes to at least finish the tourny, instead they just disappear. They don't answer PMs; don't respond when you see them in chat. In fact they sometimes leave the chat room upon your arrival, too scared to face you.<br/> This act is beyond comprehension, WHY join a tournament then? Things aren't going perfectly for them and they quit! I think it's time we got tough on these piking pea hearted sacks of troll excremem!
Heres my two cents on a problem most if not all of us have had.
We need a union of reliable coaches formed. Where all coaches who participate in tournaments could be registered and rated on there reliability to play matches in their tournaments regardless of win/loss record. Initially anyone could join. BUT! In order to remain a member, you'd have to be consistent and reliable.
1) All members must contact their next opponent to advise of available meeting times. Also they should notify the Commish if unavailable to play a game on time.
2) A two or three strike rule could be imposed. Miss more than two games (forfeit) in a season you membership is revoked. (Good luck getting into other tournys cretin).
3) Membership revoked status is permanent. So people would think twice.
Just a couple of ideas I had, come on you other coaches out there in Fumbbl land get on it. If done correctly it could become a great resource for commishes everywhere, as a reference. Imagine a perfect tourny, one where all the coaches would communicate and play their games on time, Aaarrrrr.

----------------- *These views are not neccesarily Grumbledooks
Tournament Roundup

Congratulations to The Cult of the Black Squig. These hardy goblins won the Open Stunties United dwarf challenge and played many dwarf teams to earn double points and gain the coveted prize of a solid gold dwarf skull! The team retired on this wealth and are happily living together in a mansion in the bahamas sacrificing unlucky tourists to their murderous Black Squig God.

FUMBBL Classifieds: Obituaries/Valedictories

  • Nails, Werewolf for IvanTheCow's Necromatic Team
    Nails was going to be one of the most well rounded Werewolves of his time. At the age of 16 games old he already had 11 touchdowns and 17 casualties for IvanTheCow's Necromantic team, IvanTheCow's Necromatic Team. Seeing his death coming, in his last game he had the most casualties of his career in only the first half before he was killed by a gruesome foul (the only casualty against the team for the game against Phillier's undead team, the Phatheds). With only 1 MVP, this underrated superstar had a bright future of killing and scoring cut short as he turned into a mindless zombie. He left behind his brother Claws and his thrower Black. You can bet on us following his career as a zombie for the Phatheds untill the day he finally stays down or till he takes up a position as an assistant coach.

  • Morthrog Manglebone, Ogre for Blood Blitzers
    Morthrog Manglebone, beloved star Ogre of the Blood Blitzers, was fouled to death in a match against Bubble Gum Crisis. Funkie the Dodger, the team's almost useless goblin, wrote the following poem to immortalize his friend.
    You was Fat
    You wuz dumb
    You wuz fouled by some bum
    Spiked in da head
    With a boot full o lead
    Now you iz dead
    You now in heaven fatso
    Cuz yer brain went ker-splatzo
    And we ate it for lunch with gusto!
    - da End!

  • Sven, Longbeard for Los Enanos Rabiosos
    On November 16th 2003, when Sven died, as a Dwarf Longbeard, he was the fourth most valuable player. His last match.

  • Suicide Al, Chaos Halfling for Syko Midgets
    Suicide Al, Chaos Halfling and team captain for the Syko Midgets, died on the pitch on November 15th, 2003. The death happened during the first half of the finals match for A.N.A.R.C.H.I.S.T Instant Stunty Tournament #8. At the time of his death, he was the most developed halfling player the Midgets had. Following his death, the team was subdued for the remainder of the half, then came back strong to win the tournament. During the awards ceremony, the coach of the Midgets dedicated the win to the memory of Suicide Al. His death leaves a halfing sized hole in the Midgets' roster, and a giant sized hole in the heart and soul of the team. Players who wish to fill out an application to fill this hole and take over as team captain are welcome to drop them off at the Midgets offices between the hours of 9 and 5. Halfings over 4'2" encouraged to apply.

  • Busty Brenda, Amazon Blitzer for Hooternanies
    A youthful young lady Busty Brenda: a blodge, guarding Amazon Blitzer formerly of the Hooternanies. Now slightly smelly as a reincarnated zombie - who decided to knock out two other team mates, when she realised she preferred to be on a team whose bits drop off.

  • Fly ing, Halfling for Mean Moot Machine
    Let a feast begin, let all stunties rest a little easier in their beds, for Fly ing, the most destructive thing on two (short) legs has been laid to rest. Following a frenzied but short career, the fling was accountable for no less than 42 casualties. He earned the most SPPs ever on a fling, and was the best blocker the land has ever seen for his size. Be wary, for the team lives on, and new monsters are ready to take his place. Now we can just wait for his protege's to follow in his wake, with one on 41 CAS. Long live the memory of Fly ing, and in his name do the Mad Moot Exiles leave a trail of terror in their wake. (Keep an eye out for Hamstead, being fouled every game and aimed at is not the way flings survive, hehe!)

  • Ug, Ogre for Ug's Mashers
    Ug once lived a quiet hermetic life in contemplation of all things culinary, in particularly dishes involving onions and spices. His life changed when he signed up to an NBC contract so he could watch all the cooking shows. Ug was channel surfing between shows one day when he happened across an MVP presentation involving Morg'N'Thorg, and a 19 course banquet served by and including halfling chefs. On seeing this, Ug decided that a Blood Bowl career beckoned, and so he descended from his mountain and dragged along a few Orcs he found to form a team called Ug's Mashers, letting them all know he was 'da Captain', and that he got da MVP feasts! As it turned out, Ug was a rather affectionate Ogre, and were it not from his appalling breath, his favoured pick up and hug manouever would have been very ineffective. Ug was soon predicted to become the record holder for most fans killed while asking for autographs due to this phenomenon. Unfortunately it was his signature move that led to his eventual demise,as he tried to hug the Real Ultimate Power Norse teams Minotaur Six Foot Boner, who despite his lewd name was actually afraid of non-violent contact, and over the course of two successive blocks managed to first seriously injure Ug, and then kill him after the apothecary had fixed the big lug. Long time Masher Wamash was heard to say "We's gonna miss Ug, he hogged all da MVP feasts, and he spent most of 'is time on da field pickin his nose, but he was our captain. *sniff* and we're gunna get revenge on dat big horny boner if it's da last fing we do!"

  • Family Life, Goblin for Tiny Explosions
    He never had much of a Family Life, except for his time on pitch, trying to hug and cuddle anyone close enough to death. No other Goblin ever before had mastered the art of assaulting unsuspecting players in such a fashion, and quite a number were already scared to (literally) death just by seeing him trying. His life ended by the hands of a Witch Elf in his 33rd game, which conceives his dream of dying in the arms of a woman, even though he quite likely envisioned it a little different. And yet, sad as his death is, he achieved everything a Blood Bowl player can - from interception to casualty.
    - Runs in Circles: "He MOOOhst certainly was MOOOh favourite"
    Runs in Circle is the PR manager and biggest supporter of the Tiny Explosions

  • Pulmonory, Snotling of the Alveoli Cloggers
    Pulmonary one of the most ardent members of the Alveoli Cloggers was sent to his reward in the semi finals of Stunty Cup II facing the Magic Nose Goblins.
    Pulmonary was a consummate team player, always there to keep the trolls pointed in the right direction, or throw an opportune backfield block.
    The coincidence that player 13 died in his 31st game will not be commented upon, suffice it to say he will be missed.

  • Oriella, of the Tampax Bay Buccaneers
    At last Oriella died.
    She was nice, maybe too nice for this game.
    Even during her last match vs Chuck Norse she was doing her duty smashing opponents (and gaining her 2nd skill). Evidently for the sucking Nuffle that was more than enough.
    Looking at her Bio, many coaces will remember her, some dancing for relief, some sad because of the bravery with which she threw herself in the heart of battle every time.
    We will miss her,
    The Tampax Bay Buccaneers

  • Ortega, of the Steel Dogs
    Ortega Chaos warrior on the Steel Dogs was awarded a MVP for making a block where he broke his neck in such a beatifull way that he is stunned for the rest of his life in this match. It was his 2nd block in his first game. He was such a promising chaos warrior. May he RIP

  • Head Butcher of Slaanesh's Fine Meats and Deli
    Head Butcher of Slaanesh's Fine Meats and Deli died. He never made a regenerate roll his whole career the lazy, big, green git! A new menu item has been created to honor him. A whole pig smoked over a spit covered in honey. Its quite yummy and sure to satisfy the hungriest of trolls or minotaurs.

  • Tyramon Evereye, leader of the Crying Screamlords
    I will ever remember Tyramon Evereye the leader of the Crying Screamlords, my first FUMBBL Team. He died while playing the knockout qualifier for the Fumbbl Cup II.

  • Thigo, of Afterdark
    The bright star Thigo, who played in Afterdark], has left us. He never will live up to his promise now, at least he will be remembered as the ghoul who was agile as an elf. Some days have come and gone since his passing and now it doesn't hurt like it once did but during times like there you realise that there is too much violence in the game. Thigo will be remembered, may he rest in pieces. Those of you who were his friend can read about his death.

  • FUMBBL Logo Competition

    FUMBBL is looking for a new logo. Link your suggested logo in the GLN forums. The best submissions will be chosen by the FUMBBL admins to participate in a poll. The winner gets a prize of their choice*, up to and including a statistic increase on one of their players! Your logo could appear on the FUMBBL site, plus shirts and other merchandise which will help support the site. The winner will be announced in a future edition of GLN.

    All images submitted to FUMBBL for the contest must be original work and become property of FUMBBL. Submitted images must be a maximum of 400 pixels in height and width. Submitted images must be easily convertible into a vector-based image format - thus no bitmap images so complex that they cannot be converted into a cartoon style.

    * Offer subject to conditions, to be negotiated with Christer.

    How to contribute
    by Cusi

    Those wishing to contribute to the advertising sections of the Grotty Little Newspaper (GLN) should post in the relevant section within the correctly dated GLN forum. These are regularly checked by the editors. If your forum contribution is erased, it was probably used and is safely tucked into the correct area of the GLN.

    For those wishing to contribute an article to the GLN please go to the IRC channel #Grotty_Little_Newspaper and speak to either m0nty or me about it.

    Thank You,


    The Grotty Little Newspaper would like to thank the following people for making the GLN possible:

    Head Coach

    Cusi, m0nty

    Troll Slayers
    Candlejack, Jaguar_5,

    Bunnypuncher, BadMrMojo

    xJx, Whaletyr, IvantheCow, Trog, Mully

    Keep up the good work fellas!


    This article comes from FUMBBL