Mackensen: An Elf On A High
Hello sports fans, Bob ‘Bonecrusher’ Barnes here! Welcome to GLN’s newest instalment of Team Talk, where we select a particular team and get to know one of their top stars. Today, we welcome Mackensen, top star Lion Warrior of the Thunder Dragons, a prominent High Elf team coached by patton_71.
Bob: Thanks for being here Mackensen, do you mind if we call you Mack?
Bob: You seem a bit nervous, Mack, anything wrong?
Mack: Wh-what do mean?”
(hands shaking, Mack takes a sip of water)
Bob: You seem a bit uneasy with us today. Just relax and breathe, okay?
Mackensen responds with a nervous smile.
Bob: So, Mack, you are in the top ten active Lion Warrior receivers in the Ranked division, that is a great accomplishment. How about that?
Mack: Well, Buh-Bob, I feel very fortunate to have survived this long. I guh-guess I have b-been lucky for long enough t-to k-keep playing.
Bob: Yes, it seems the Thunder Dragons have been on the unfortunate end on many deaths on your team. From our statistics, you have suffered around twice the normal rate of deaths for the casualties you have taken. Any ideas why?
Mack: I don’t wanna talk about it.
Bob: You must have some opinion on why this has happened? I mean, you are on your third Quarterback, and several Blitzers have died or either retired.
Mack: Just take a l-look at our match record…Chaos, Orc, D-Dwarfs, Undead of all k-kinds, too many bashies for us to take.
Bob: So you are saying your coach is not selecting your opponents with enough care?
Bob: What do you say to your critics, who claim that you tend to monopolize the team doctor’s talents with your recurring injury?
Mack: WHU-WHAT?! I am the only player who can help us win! Is it my f-fault I have these shakes now? Most of the time I can get it together for the game, b-but sometimes I need Doc’s help okay!?! They won’t let me get m-my own st-stash of vuh-valium any more!! Cuh-Coach ordering m-me to leap into cages to get the ball has m-made me this way! Go ask him wh-who is responsible for almost 20 dead players in j-just over 40 games!! Not me?
Bob: But perhaps if you were more of a team player and willing to sit a game out, the doctor would be able to tend to other player’s injuries instead of just yours?
Mack: TH-THAT’S A LIE!!! HOW D-DARE YOU!! YOU HAVE NEVER EVEN B-BEEN ON THE P-PITCH BEFORE YOU ST-STUPID B-BLOWHARD!!! MUH-MUH…SKKTTFFTT
Mack collapses into a quivering, stuttering puddle in his chair on the set.
Bob: Are you ok? I didn’t mean to upset you, Mack. Can we get some help over here?
Two trainers rush to the set in Thunder Dragons jackets to tend to Mackensen. Two eerily glowing green pills are hastily swallowed with that glass of water, and Mack seems to calm down almost immediately. After a few moments, Mack seem ready to resume the interview.
Bob: Is everything all right now, Mack?
Mack: Why wouldn’t it be, Bobby baby?
Mack now has a much more confident manner with a slightly glassy look in is eyes.
Bob: So you are ready to continue then?
Mack: As always, dude!
Mack now rocks slowly in his chair as if listening to some far off metal band.
Bob: OK, so where do you see the Dragons heading now?
Mack: All the way to the f[bleep]ing top man!! No one can stop me baby!!”
Bob: Any chance of entering a more structured and possibly more deadly league instead of the open division of FUMBBL?
Mack: Either way my man, I am gonna ride this rocket all the way. I am the best and no one is gonna stop me from the top of the record books!!!”
Fully in metal mode, Mack flashes the ‘hang loose’ sign to the camera with the obligatory tongue waggle.
Bob: So anything that you could think of to make you even better?
Mack: Free agency, Baby, that way I can show off my true talents with the right team. No more of this spreading the ball around crap the coach has been preaching lately.
Bob: Thanks for your time today Mack, and that’s it for us today, so see you all next time on ‘Team Talk’!
The lights dim on the stage with Mackensen playing air guitar in his chair, and Bob speaking to the Dragons trainers, apparently making some sort of cash transaction.