On Mud and Witch Elves

Dear Uncle Grum,

My Blitzers are concentrating more on the Witch Elves than on the ball. I have mandated that they all take cold showers, but to no avail. What can be done about this? Is it possible to get an all female Dark Elf roster similar to the Amazons, maybe? Your insight and guidance is highly appreciated.

Thanks in advance,

Optihut

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Dear Optihut,

The solutions here are manifold, but all hold their own drawbacks. You could, of course, just fire the Witch Elves. Or the Blitzers - whatever suits you best. You could initiate nude training sessions, which would make match days, when everybody is dressed, less interesting to the Blitzers. However, since you wouldn't get any training done at all, you'd probably end up losing your games still.

Medical solutions may be sought as well, although I have heard that this leads to a significant drop in the aggression levels in Blitzers, causing sloppy play and soft blocking, which is undesirable. Perhaps you should hire a good wizard and get him to cover the Witch Elves in an illusion spell.

As for an all female Dark Elf roster - the thought is interesting, nay, inspired! Your stadium will be packed every day. I suggest you create two such teams and have them compete on a daily basis. I also suggest that you cover the pitch in a two-inch layer of topsoil and drench it with water just prior to the match. The game play may suffer, but I'm sure the crowd will love it.

Send me free tickets,

Grudging Grum

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A Case of the Snuffles

Dear Uncle Grum,

Lately, Nuffle worship just hasn't been working out for me. My players keep dying, my apoths can't seem to do anything to help them and my match record is getting steadily worse. Are there any other gods out there I could pray to for aid on the pitch? Does Nuffle have a sister? Snuffle, maybe?

Thank you,

Woodpecker

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Dear Woodpecker

There is no god but Nuffle. He is the One and the Six, the Skull and the Pow. That said, perhaps you might consider sacrificing a six-pack of Goblins every now and then or, if this does not work, switching to a higher quality Goblin type. Nuffle is very partial to roasted grot.

On the subject of Nuffle's sister, I would suggest you not venture in that direction. She, too, is One and Six, and no sane man would wish to be involved with six women at once.

Regards,

Grudging Grum

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Chaos Undecided

Dear Uncle Grum,

I have a Chaos team that is sponsored by all four Chaos deities. You would think that they would win all the time, right? Well, some days, it seems as if I have Gods against me! Is Nuffle mad that my players are worshipping the wrong Gods? Or should I hedge my bets with the four Gods of Chaos? I can't make sacrifices to all five Gods as I don't have the resources to do so. But if I sacrifice to three of four Chaos Gods, they will get pissed. To whom shall I sacrifice?

Oblitzamanger

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Misguided one,

Considering that you sacrifice to four Gods what most people only sacrifice to one, wouldn't you think it obvious that none of them are interested enough to help your team out on the pitch? But we didn't think of that when we decided to follow the path of Chaos Undivided, now did we? Of course not, since followers of Chaos are not noted for their cranial capacity, unless they happen to be very good at head-butting.

It looks like you've got yourself between a rock and a hard place. On the one side, you can't please four gods. On the other, should you stop sacrificing after all this time, it will get noticed and somebody will be along shortly to ask pointed questions with pointed implements.

I'm sure somebody will now tell you that they told you so. Best of luck with the losing record,

Grudging Grum

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Unpleasant Peasants

Dear Uncle Grum,

I am unsure what title you possess or if there is any royal blood in you, but you may modestly address me as "sire". I am Prince Elegan de Silverville (you may have heard of me, please, no autographs) captain of the team F-Squad which is currently on tour throughout the Old World in search of worthy Blood Bowl opponents. I am writing to you in regards to this concept of "Fan Factor" and how one gets it.

I am at a loss as to why the ignorant masses hate me. We score for them, they leave. We crack heads for them, they don't care. We win games for them... they boo! One even threw a rock at me! The nerve! He was, of course, beaten by my brute squad, but it just makes me wonder: What must I do to please peasants?!

I have decreed law in town that F-Squad is the only team one may "root" for... and they still don't. I have given a tax cut to those who fly flags with my face on it at the game... they burn them. Sheesh! Well, you see my point. Please provide any advice you can as to how to get more minions to favor me. Though their smell is a bit repulsive, I'm finding the more of them present, the better the game goes. Of course, if you are not royally educated in a king approved college, I shall have to take anything you say with a grain of salt... Which I'll kindly spare to you should you need one.

Signed,

Prince Elegan de Silverville.

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Sire,

I think I may have located your problem. Please direct yourself to a mirror. You will most likely posses long hair, and therefore you will have to hold it back away from your ears. Regard them carefully. I have a feeling that they will be pointed.

Your mannerisms and arrogance make it plain that you are not Human, but an Elf. This explains the hate of the common people, and I cannot say I blame them. Other than your ears, you may also which to check the contents of your breeches. You have, after all, just lost your manhood.

Enjoy!

Grudging Grum

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Super Stench

Dear Uncle Grum,

As coach of the team Super Strength I have come upon a very serious problem. A large majority of the teams (98.642%) have refused to play us, even though they usually have equal or higher Spike! Magazine Team Ratings compared to ours. After numerous game refusals, it occured to me that many coaches had the same reason for refusing to play. The reason was, our team had to many "Dirty Players", and something about the word "Foul", which I assume has something to do with the way they smell. Now I know the team is entirely made up of undead players, but all of them are either skeletons or mummies. A Khemrian skeleton is actually not very smelly at all, due to the lack of rotting flesh. In fact they likely smell better than the average living player (ever been inside a dwarf locker room after team practice?). The mummies also do not smell, as they are covered in burial wrappings, and have special preservatives applied to them to preserve their body. So why is it that everyone refuses to play us?

Diabl0658

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Dear Diabl0654321,

Your situation baffles me. Perhaps you should seek out like teams. I suggest Nurgle's Rotters. If any team can be called foul and dirty, Rotters are it.

Grudging Grum

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A Foul Act

Dear Uncle Grum,

How can we convince more people to accept and love the act of fouling?

Plorg

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Dear Plorg

Have you explored the realms of liberal application of lube and careful placement of the boot? A little love goes a long way.

Grudging Grum