What does your team choice tell about you?
Greetings to all!
I am proud to present my very first (and possibly last!) blog on FUMBBL!
The idea for the subject came while I was joking around with Skolopender and Gus about what Freud would say about your choice of team on Blood Bowl, and what it tells about your personality. It then grew in to this rather lengthy but hopefully entertaining article on which I have compiled a list of features that the coaches of the different Blood Bowl teams possess.
It's not suppose to be serious, and doesn't attempt to offend anyone. It's just humor.
No Halflings were harmed during the writing of this article!
What does your team choice tell about you?
People playing with teams consisting of half-naked female wrestlers have one thing in common with people reading Love Hina – 99.2% of both groups test positive for virginity. They are simply trying to hide their inexperience with the female kind by filling every part of their lives with pictures of women, and exaggerating how much they love the chicks. Their bent-up sexual frustration is often released as a torrent of complaints, insults and ragequits when one of their pixels gets hurt.
Perhaps related to their sad condition, Amazon coaches are very competitive, calculative optimizers. They have a hypocritical idea of fairness which dictates that they must always have the upperhand in all matches.
It's no wonder that Amazon coaches are so uptight and allergic to fair challenges!
Aah, classic choice for the coach with unhealthy fascination with sodomy. Now with a hint of bestiality! Chaos coaches are the same nerdy kids that always played as Conan the Barbarian in childhood role playing games. Consequently, they also got beat up as Conan the Barbarian in childhood role playing games.
What they lack in masculinity and muscles they make up with stubborn denial of reality. The rage that has been over the years gradually piling up in them spills out as spontaneous fits of ADHD trolling, as well as with the urge to ease their pain with self-mutilation and flocking.
Since the Chaos coaches are unable to reach their dreams of being respected and feared as violent killing machines in the real world, except by actually becoming violent killing machines in the real world, they unwind online and stroke their egos by sociopathically murdering everyone foolish enough to pity them by accepting their challenge.
But hey, it's better that they do it here and not in your public school!
Dark Elf coaches
Dark Elves are the ”butch” variant of the four Elf teams. Dark Elf coaches are therefore likely to have similar homosexual tendencies as the coaches of other Elf teams, but with noticeable emo undertones. The coaches also show unnatural interest towards leather gear that would make even Batman flinch. It's they alone that keep the district's S&M dungeon in operation with their visits. Mistress Transsexualita is very pleased of her.. his... its boys.
Generally they want to be the ones being in the giving rather than in the receiving end of things. This is particularly true when inspecting the Dark Elf coach's love life (which you really don't want to be inspecting too close).
Subtle but noticeable hints of insecurity towards the opposite sex are visible, manifesting as rather disturbing attraction towards the slender, feminine, yet distinctly masculine looking pixels. It's not uncommon for the Dark Elf coach to lick his pixel players, mumbling something incoherent about "my precioussss".
Dwarf coaches are, like the team itself, short, overweight, smelly and so addicted to alcohol that it's approaching a symbiosis.
The Dwarf coach lives in denial and believes that fat equals power, and those model twig boys in the TV are not real men at all. This is the sole thought that encourages the Dwarf coach wake up in the morning. Well, that and his only friend – the half empty bottle of Jack Daniels. Dwarf coaches are, like the Orc coaches, traumatized by bullying and wish to take it out on others by beating opponents that can't fight back. Preferentially Halflings, Goblins and Amazons.
Also, these coaches find toilet humor to be immensely funny, and the only time they turn the television on is when it's showing a 24 hour marathon of the Jerry Springer Show.
The coach of a Goblin team feels special connection with short, scrawny, ugly players that have, to say the least, lacking body hygiene. The arrival of the Goblin coaches study group in the test department set off the chemical leak alarm, so it's fair to assume that this connection is due to shared physical similarities between the Goblins and the coach.
Much else is hard to say since further tests were discontinued due to the staff being too busy with watering eyes, compulsive vomiting and attempts of exorcism.
These coaches are colorless, bland people with compulsive need to prove themselves to be better than others by playing with a sub-par team. They also tend to moralize others for picking ”easy” teams and avoiding challenge. Like the people driving with hybrid cars, these people love the smell of their own farts.
Some Human coaches have been witnessed writing long, boring articles about the psychological profiles of different coaches, where they ridicule the people picking races that don't fit their narrow minded concept of fairness.
Great people, all in all. They deserve all of our admiration.
The coach playing with Orcs has a fragile ego due to continuous bullying at school, which has developed in to a severe mental trauma over the years. This is seen in the Orc coach's irrational fear of being in the receiving end of violence, hence he hides behind armor 9 and a wall of muscle.
Furthermore, the Orc coaches, playing with a team consisting rather solely of big, muscled humanoids, have an increased likelihood to be closet homosexuals with domination fantasies. Alternatively, they might be missing a strong father figure in their lives, and see the Orcs as the next best thing.
Orc coaches often swim in self-deception and use obscure reasoning, like saying that they are slow and can't play ball, to justify their decision to play with Orcs. This is, however, simply an attempt to hide their rather apparent inability to cope with pixel loss.
Skaven coaches embody the essence of the team itself: they are cowardly, sly, anorectic, pestilence ridden, survivalist rats. This category of coaches is easily identified in schoolyards as the weak kids standing behind the big, strong bullies and hurling insults at the one who he the bully is currently beating for lunch money. Once the bully is not there to protect them, they quickly adopt a nicer personality to confuse their pursuers, or they simply scamper to their holes in order to avoid retaliation.
They also rely on heavy amount of whining and hypocritical justification in order to feed their pleasure center. On the Blood Bowl field this behavior manifests as the tendency to use the Skaven team's supposed fragility as an excuse to avoid bashers, but at the same time only playing against teams that are even more fragile than the Skavens are.
Undead coaches get a rigor mortis of the genital kind by watching living, rotting corpses. It's not quite necrophilia since technically speaking the target of lust is alive. This puzzled the test department until we came up with a more accurate term for this sexual deviation: Attraction Towards Really, REALLY Ugly People-syndrome! Coincidentally, if any female Undead coaches are around, I'd like to say that I am available... krhm...
Anyway, Undead coaches are very morbid and gloomy people. Much like the Norwegians. The slim figure of a skeleton is a painful reminder to them of the modern standards of beauty they simply cannot reach. At least, not without dropping the fork. It takes certain level of emo self-hate to pick the Undead team. The coaches are likely to suffer from manic-depression and show anti-social behavior.
Due to the success of the Twilight movies, we have witnessed a strong influx of Vampire teams on FUMBBL. These coaches are fanboys with delusional dreams of having superhuman strength, the ability to hypnotize women into sleeping with them, and a backstory that gets them infinite amount of pity attention. Needless to say, they only succeed in the last one...
On the field Vampire coaches are role players. They are known to repeatedly quote (even after being asked not to) famous lines said by fictional Vampires, and insist on sharing details of their pitiful existence in the lightless cellar of their parents basement.
Vamp coaches talk by themselves, and pretend they are the main character of their favorite Vampire movie having a Shakespearean monologue. Thank God FUMBBL doesn't have team-speak capability. Otherwise the Vampire players would probably ask if they could lick the blood pouring from your molested ears.
Faced by certain defeat, Vampire coaches turn into mist and disappear. Or that's what they like to think. What they actually do is disconnect before the game is uploaded.
Wood Elf coaches
Like with any Elf team, people playing with Wood Elves have... lets say ”alternative” tastes when it comes to sexuality.
Usually, picking Elves tells of closet homosexuality, but there's no hint of that in the case of Wood Elves. These coaches never were in the closet to begin with! Feminine men in tights and thongs... you can't really give a clearer signal without actually naming the team: ”I Like To Do It With Boys!”
Wood Elf coaches show typical feminine behavior on the Blood Bowl field. They avoid bashers like a bad shade of lipstick, and prefer to play relaxed, high scoring matches where the two Elf teams take turns to score touchdowns. It is considered bad form to block in such matches. Should fouling ever occur, it results in ”leave Britney alone!” -style tantrum, shattering eardrums (or eyeballs).
If you love your sanity, and don't want the police arresting you for committing a hate crime, it's advisable to avoid playing against these coaches. Unless you're one of them. Or if you're bent on destroying their team a la Chaos coach, simply put them on ignore.
I know it doesn't contain all the teams. I might write the psychological profiles for them as well if it's asked. The rest of the teams are, however, clones of the teams already listed so coming up with different profiles for them would be difficult.
Thanks for managing to read this far!