“Match Report by JackassRampant (I hope I can post this here?)

The weather is fair, but the crowd is sparse, and visiting UMass has a slight spectator advantage over Penn. Penn coach WoodPusher chooses heads, wins the toss, and elects to receive.

First Half: UMass coach TenaciousPiggy opts for a Ziggurat defense with their Ogre, Sam the Minuteman, on the nose. Penn sets up a "forfeit" line with free players on both 3-columns and only one man in contact, diagonally, with one defender. The kick scatters shallow and south, and the crowd immediately starts chanting and stomping for the defense. WoodPusher opts for a conservative offense, blitzing the line and protecting the north side with only a broken screen. UMass screens up nicely, if a bit on the contact-intensive side, and forces a southbound scrum, pulling off a surf in the process and forcing a premature touchdown for Penn Thrower Devin Lucas on Turn 4.

Penn State's defense is all wide, with no backfielders inside the 3 columns and a 303 line. It looks intriguing but risky, and UMass sets up an interior-oriented offense to account for it. We'll never know how that goes, because as soon as the kick goes off the defenders reshuffle their formation to an asymmetric formation with a southward strength. UMass obligingly dominates the north side and cages up with a clear path to the endzone. They can't hold the edge, though, as Penn Blitzer Hermogenes Hofmann strips the ball, Penn's other Thrower, Atami Jacobs, kills a Blitzer, and Lineman Mani Baines punts the ball deep into Minutemen territory to run the clock out. UMass Lino Leo Krizanovic punts the ball back to midfield, but it isn't really catchable, and there's no time to recover. Still 1-0 Penn.

Second Half: It's 11-on-10. WoodPusher's defense isn't much changed, except that he moves linemen into the 2 columns to shrink that big open broadway. TenaciousPiggy sets up a strong 7-man line, and the crowd cheers loudly when they take the field. The Penn State kicker gives the ball a real boot and it lands in the UMass endzone. For a moment it looks like Penn will pin UMass back, but on turn 3 they break into midfield and on turn 4 Blitzer Josh Bruns has broken away and ties the game up in turn 5, leaving four turns to decide the game. Hofmann pulls a groin muscle trying to stop the breakaway score.

UMass sets up a 3-man interior screen with strong flanks, the same 101 line with the Ogre. Penn sets up their offense similarly to turn 1, but sans two men. A rock stuns Atami Jacobs, leaving no Sure Hands player in position to get the ball. This prompts a northbound redirect, with Blitzer Eyal Larsson carrying the ball. The defense is tenacious, and the cage is tenuous at best, but Larsson keeps his feet in the face of two 2d blocks, a 4+ and a 3+ dodge, and scores the winning TD in turn 8. The garbage turn nets a kill for Sam the Minuteman, but that's cold comfort for losing such a close game.

Player of the Week: Eyal Larsson. That was pretty awesome.”