The Sammiches are proud to present their new attraction!
Join the fun, and try to hurt Mr Punching Ball! Objective: -MA, -ST, -AG, -AV, one niggle, or worse! Who
will claim the first injuries on Mr Punching Ball? Injure him, and your name will live forever in his bio! *** This attraction is sponsored by "Slann Rights Watch" and the "New World Chefs Association". For every injury on Mr Punching Ball, one gold coin will be donated to a poor Slann orphan, victim of the cruelty of a Halfling cook. ***
Fear da flingz!
We are the flings, and we're coming out for you! We scratch, we bite, we play as dirty as we can, and we're proud of it! We will foul your best players and clear the pitch, and we will enjoy it! Bring it on, dwarves, the flings are waiting for you!
Err... Wait... What? ... Coach Kam needs another beer.
The Sammiches just want to have fun playing. They don't mind losing, but they will do what they can to win, and they're quite successful sometimes. But above all, they want to enjoy the game. They played against legendary coaches and teams in the past, even dwarves, and they will do it again... if their coach was fun enough to play against.
Stall during 7 turns to foul every single fling on the pitch if you want, the Sammiches don't mind. But they're also not likely to play against
you again, and they will win anyway. Stalling against flings is most of the time lame. But failing a stalling attempt is pathetic. Do you really want to risk this to happen, because it will...
And don't take it too bad when you lose to a fling team. Yes, they can be good. That's not a reason to whine during the whole game. Some coaches even retired their team after a loss. It's just a game...
The first tournament the Sammiches won was the Stunty Qualifier of the Grotty Little Tournament
IX. In four games, they cleared the pitch from all the Stunties... four times, leaving only one Big Guy on the pitch in two occasions, and clearing it entirely once, with a tree missing! They also managed to lose only two diving tacklers during the whole competition, and walked out of the final without a single injury.
The Flying Sammiches suffered a grand total of nine fatal injuries in just two games (plus five other serious casualties). Only six players managed to survive both games, and all are now dead or retired. Only the legendary Treeman Ernst Swiftoak managed to survive another one or two hundred games.
Since the Sammiches signed a sponsorship agreement with the Alflingem beer brand offering a life-time supply of ale to the strongest flings of the team, 5 players rolled a double 6.
The Sammiches were banned from Lustria after their last game
against the Srrrann Frrrancisco 49'errrs. Not only did they win the game, but they also deep fried the whole opposing team after the match, following an old Bretonnian recipe. Historians may still wonder why the Slanns left the Old World, but the Sammiches know the answer: hmmm... Tasty legs!
Both Treemen of the team, Ersnt Swiftoak and Will Oakheart, swore
they would never go down again after a disastrous after match party sponsored by the beer Delirium Treemens. Both have learned the skills Dodge and Break Tackle since then. The security officer in charge during the party sent them a letter of congratulations from his hospital bed. Never try to get a tree out of a bar!
In four games between the Sammiches and the Newcasters, 61 players were injured. The two teams almost beat the site's record of the most casualties during their first encounter, with a grand total of 19 injuries.
The Sammiches retire one player per game on average. A famous beer brand from Sylvania offered them a partnership to celebrate their 500th retiree. All the former players of the team now actively participate in the elaboration of the beer Vampires enjoy so much. Even the dead ones.
Peter Jackhorne's famous film series was inspired by the life of Beerlo XIX and his exploits on the pitch. A prequel called "The Deadbeat" is being shot.
The Sammiches have been voted one of the most famous teams on
FUMBBL, and beating them now counts for the Awe and Wonder badge. Several classical opponents of the Sammiches were also inducteed at the same time, such as the Angry Newcasters, the Agility Monsters, the Bucs, the Lone Stars, or the Tiny Steel Hammers. The only other Halfling team on the list is Left my Heart in San Francisco.
So far, ten teams have conceded against the Sammiches. Six of them were greenskins. It appears they all had read coach Kam's newest cookbook about the proteins from the New World.
A cold night in Araby. The Sammiches have accepted the challenge of one of the most ferocious team of the region. The game has already started. The Khemris don't seem to care about the ball. They want blood. The valiant flings have already tried several times to take the ball carrier down, but nothing's working, and Sieg's just been stomped by a skeleton and has a smashed ankle. Ernst Swiftoak is on the ground. The Khemris surround him and foul him to death - until the apothecary reanimates him at least. The other Treeman of the team will suffer the same fate on the next turn. There is nothing to do to save him. But the Sammiches won't give up. Swiftoak grabs the ball carrier, and sends him close enough to the touchdown line to score. The Sammiches won the game that days, but five of their players were killed, and five others were severely injured.
The Sammiches were looking for an easy game after the carnage against BandageBondage. They didn't know it yet, but another bloodbath was about to start. Second turn. Franz is killed by the Chainsaw. Swiftoak quickly dispose of him, just like he did with the Fanatic, but that was just the beginning...
Last turn of the first half. The Marauders have scored. A rookie kills Delin. Two more Halflings will perish during that game, and the Marauders will win 1-0. That match was also the beginning of the great Stunty rivalry, in which dozens of Flings and Gobos will be slain. Most of the teams would have been retired after the last two games, but the Sammiches didn't. They never will.
The Sammiches have challenged one of the eldest Undead team of the league. Deeproot and a wizard will support them, they're confident. The carnage begins. The Flings are decimated. But they don't give up hope, and two courageous Halflings blitz the ball carrier and take him down. They retrieve the ball, but the most agile player of the team, Merlon, is killed by a legendary Zombie.
Two of his team mates will join him in the Halfling paradise later on in the game, including the dirtiest player of the team. But it doesn't matter. The Sammiches have scored, just like they will two more times during the game. They came, they died, and they won. Their coach was proud of them: they did what he asked for, and it paid off.
A dark street of Altdorf. Coach Kam is desperate. No one seems to be willing to play against his new Halfling team. A foreigner approaches:
- Well, I've just recruited some Lizardmen from Lustria - we could play a game if you want.
Coach Kam grins:
- Let's find a stadium.
But the two teams were not allowed to play that day. A NAF official interfered, claiming the strength difference was too big to have a sanctioned game. But both teams grew. The Scale Models won a major championship, the Sammiches became the second oldest Halfling team, and a Major Qualifier winner. They played many times against each other, but coach Kam had to wait until they meet in a tournament to be able to beat one of the team of the stranger...
A new star was born in the team: Bob Rastafling, and that was one of his best games. The Marauders don't seem to care about the Halfling: they just want to take the Treemen out. They should have taken them more seriously... Bob grabs the ball, while his team mates protect him. Slowly, surely, he advances towards the touchdown line, and scores. Ornst will follow his example a few turns later, sprinting to steal the ball from the ChaosCiott and to score a second touchdown. Their opponents have completely lost it. They hand the ball over to a goblin, but Will Oakheart crushes him and the ball bounces right into the arms of Amy, who will score a third touchdown. The ChaosCiott already have six players out. Bob Rastafling takes back the ball. Swiftoak tosses him and... he scores again! The Sammiches won a game 5-0 and even managed to steal another touchdown on the last turn.
- Hello, Jim. What's going on?
- That game is great! It's vintage Pipin...
- But... the Sammiches are losing, ain't they?
- Oh, yes they sure are. The Humans went for a one sided stall during the first half, there was nothing the Sammiches could do. But look! Pipin has been handed the ball, and he's already fractured the skull of a Lineman!
- That gotta hurt, Jim!
- Yeah, that's what's great about it! I love this Fling: he doesn't care about the ball, he just want to smash knees and fracture skulls. Oh, look, he's gonna score! His coach must have promised some ale for every touchdown.
- Oh damn! He's failed a dodge while going after the ball carrier! It looks like the Humans are gonna win after all.
- I'm going to retire this team, if I lose to Halflings.
Coach Kam doesn't answer, but his opponent may have a surprise... The Sammiches play in defence. The Minotaur of EVS keeps the Trees busy, but the Beastmen keep underestimating the Flings and don't set up a proper cage. Twice in a row, the Flings dodge and KO the ball carrier. Pipin picks up the ball. A Chaos Warrior comes after him, not once, but twice, and fails to take him down. He sends one more Beastman to the KO box, and runs away. He's now safe. The Minotaur blitzes Will Oakheart, but he trips and breaks his arm. EVS's coach gives up.The Sammiches win their first game by concession, and one more time, Pipin has shown why he's the new sensation of the Sammiches.
The Sammiches are outbashed. They know they have the score, and fast. Melwyn Cheeseheart is hurt, she won't be able to play again, and Tom Boozeling was killed. The coach can only count on both trees and bob Berserkling. The latter grabs the ball, and flies. Both teams are now tied, but it's just the beginning of the game. The Death Squad is about to score again, but Swiftoak throws Bob away, and he knocks the ball carrier out. An elf picks up the ball, but he will soon suffer the same fate. No one can take Bob down. Even the Death Squad's Minotaur fails. He flies again, and smash the knee of a Marauder before scoring another touchdown. The second half is ugly. Eight Halflings are already out of the game. Bob Berserkling wants to fly again, but it won't work this time. A Marauder finally succeeds in taking him out. The Death Squad passes the ball, and manages to salvage a tie on the last turn.
- Hello, Jim. So... What do we have here?
- What do we have? A pretty pathetic human team, if you ask me!
- But... They're kinda famous, ain't they?
- Yeah, and they're gonna be even more famous soon for having been beaten by the Sammiches!
- What happened?
- Oh, nothing special. Just Bob Berserkling doing this job. You know... Flying... Taking down the ball carrier... Scoring... That kind of stuff... Yeah, that's it, kill that son of a troll!
- You're really into it, Jim, ain't you?
- Of course I am! This Fling is about to become a legend!
- Hello, Jim. Do the Sammiches stand a chance against this legendary team?
- Not only they do, but they're gonna win! They suffered four injuries on the first turn, but Berserkling flew to take the ball carrier down and score.
- It looks like the Wood Elves also a fair share of injuries...
- Oh yeah... Three dead Elves so far... That's how I like them! Oh wait! Berserkling has just scored another touchdown! That's 3-2 for the Sammiches now!
- With two turns left, that should be an easy win...
- Wait! What is Goodshrooms doing? Don't mark that bloody catcher! Run, dammit! That's his only chance to win! Is he chainpushes you, he's in scoring range! What a dumb Fling!
- Agreed. It's gonna be a tie after all...
- Hello, Jim. The Sammiches look in trouble, don't they?
- Screw that game. I'm gonna beat the officials until they do their job!
- What's going on?
- What's going on?! They bloody restarted the game due to a "bug". Yeah, you've heard right, flies and cockroaches can cancel games now!
- You mean... It's not the first time those two teams play against each other?
- Nope, and the Sammiches were winning the first time! And look at them now... I swear, I'm gonna kill an official! And they call that a Major Tournament!
- Stay calm, Jim, I'm sure it couldn't be helped...
- I'm completely calm, you know. Ah, here's my chainsaw!
- Hello, Jim. It's looking great for the Sammiches today!
- Yup, they've already scored two touchdowns, it looks like it's over.
- Err... I'm not sure, Jim, they could very well score...
- Nah, Berserkling's having a great game. Look, Swiftoak is gonna toss him and... Oh, crap. He failed the landing and seems to be injured...
- Well, that's 2-1 now...
- Yeah, but they have the ball and...
- Not anymore, Jim!
- 2-2. It's amazing how this team can manage to screw everything up in just a few turns. That's why we love it!
- Yup. I can't believe it took a failed GFI for them not to lose a game almost won a few turns ago...
- Hello, Jim. So... How is this SMACK going?
- Pretty well for the Sammiches. Bob Berserkling has just stunned a Tom Guardian, and he's going for a touchdown! But... Oh, wait! He's just been knocked out!
- It looks like Melwyn's taking care of the business.
- Denitely! And that's 1-0 for the Sammiches! Wait... She's just been blocked... She's not moving anymore, and the apothecary of the team does nothing to save her!
- Yup, she looks quite dead, Jim.
- Don't worry, it's not over for the Sammiches. Look! Bob is gonna strike again! And that's a touuuuuchdown! 2-0 for the Sammiches!
- Yes, it looks like they're going to win, but how many Halflings will perish before the end of the game?
- Hello, Jim. So, how's this semi-final going?
- It could be better for the Sammiches. The pitch looks too slippery for them. Bob Berserkling had to take care of the business: it seems none of his team mates could pick up the ball.
- They're fighting bravely but I'm not sure that will be enough, Jim...
- Tell that to the Orc they've just killed! Oh, look, they have a chance to score! Deeproot's is going to throw Bob at the last minute! He's going for it! Again! But... What's going on?! He refuses to finish the job! What is it talking about? A bug? Don't tell me a big guy like him is afraid of bugs?!
- Well, it's over for the Sammiches, Jim. That was their last chance. Sure, they still have 3 Trees on the pitch, but there's only one Halfling left. I don't know what they could possibly do now...
- Hello, Jim. How's the game going?
- It's a disaster. The Minotaur of the Broods is doing a carnage. Oh, look, Swiftoak has just taken care of him!
- That won't be enough, Jim. The apothecary has already patched him up, and he'll be able to play next drive. I guess it's over for the Sammiches. They've just suffered a Blitz, and Oakheart has already taken root.
- You should know better. It's never over for the Sammiches. Look! They're going to pass the ball... And Swiftoak intercepts! He's blitzing a Chaos Warrior now and runs towards the touchdown line! He could score now but... What is he doing?!
- I guess he's going to stall, Jim, and salvage a tie. The Broods would have plenty of time to score otherwise.
- You're probably right. Ah, he finally decides to move. And that's a touuuuchdown!
The Sammiches receive. Bilbo tries to go for it with the ball, but he injures himself instead. Bob Berserkling look at the blood he left on the pitch: "Lamer! I'm gonna have to do everything myself, as always." Swiftoak keeps up with the slaughtering. He looks at the sky... "What's that?" A fireball... that looks like a firecracker. Bob trips and drops the ball. Coach Kam tells Swiftoak to pick it up, but he's not in the right mood: he just want to keep injuring Halflings. Bob takes it back, and scores for his team.
Second half. The Flingers throw a Fling and score on the first turn. A Treeman takes Bob out, but Beerlo manages to catch the bouncing ball. A fierce battle for its control has started in the Flingers' half of the pitch. Meriadoc Strongpot finally manages to pick it up, and scores on the last turn. Nobody knows it yet, but he will one day become one of the Stars of the team...
The darkest page in the history of the Sammiches. Bob Berserkling gets the ball and quickly scores a touchdown for the team. The Fairy Tales are on the offence, but Swiftoak and Bob Berserkling work together to take the ball carrier down. But wait... what's coming? A fireball kills two Halflings. One of them is the legendary Bob Berserkling. The Sammiches don't give up. Swiftoak marks the ball carrier, but that won't be enough to prevent a touchdown. The Monsters are on the offence again, taking advantage of a Blitz. The Sammiches look toward the staff's corner - their coach is nowhere to be found! His assistants tell them his Cabal network isn't working, and he won't be back before some time as he had to go raise founds for the team. The NAF officials had to intervene, and offer the victory to the Monsters by forfeit. Swiftoak and Oakheart are so disgusted they decide to leave the team. The Sammiches were no more after this game, and coach Kam took a break after the event. But their story wasn't over. It will never be, nomatter what.
- Hey, Kam, wanna play 1240TV up against the bashiest team on FUMBBL?
- Sure, let's do it!
This match was the first game between the Sammiches and the Newcasters, bit it wouldn't be the last one. It also was the most violent one, with a grand total of nineteen Casualties. We almost beat the site's record that day... The Sammiches had no player left on the pitch by the end of the second half, but they didn't lose their focus, and managed to win the game.
In four games between those two teams, sixty-one players were injured... Their matches are now sponsored by Burger Fling and Bloodweiser.
- Hello, Jim. So, it's Stunty action again, eh!
- Yes it is! Both teams are famous, and we're having a great game! Not one of those stupid Fling-tossing contest!
- Well it looks like the Mafia has just pierced the Sammiches' defence!
- Yeah, Jerry is really scary! He's the fastest Fling I have ever seen. It's not surprising the Sammiches have been caught by surprise...
- It's Meriadoc's turn now!
- Look at him! He could do it! He has a very good opportunity to score... Yay, that's it! Just one more dodge and... Dammit!
- I guess the Sammiches won't win this game after all...
- Hello, Jim. Guard is God? Really? Are the Sammiches out of their mind? They stand no chance...
- I wouldn't be so sure... A tough game, it sure is going to be. But Garion could make the difference, not to mention Morg and Deeproot...
- I think the Guards know that... They keep going after him. It's a miracle he's still alive!
- Yeah, maybe, but they also suffered several injuries. Those big guys are on fire! Oh, look, Mr Tree even caught a bouncing ball! Yeah, that's it! Hand the ball to Garion! Deeproot tosses him and... Dammit! He couldn't land on his feet and got KO'ed. He could have scored!
- Yep, I guess that was their only chance...
- Hello, Jim. The Sammiches versus one of the most famous Skaven team on FUMBBL? How is it going?
- This game is pure non-sense. It's amazing! Strongroots picked up the ball on the first turn, and he's on a rampage! Look at the Cas box!
- Yeah, I can see that... And Helena High has already used their Apothecary...
- Oh look, Gunflinger's going after a Gutter Runner! That's it, kick him in the face!
- Err... The Runner looks quite dead, Jim!
- Yes he is! But wait... A loner's going after Strongroots and... takes him down! Unbelievable! A chance Garion's here to clean the mess and score for the Sammiches. That pass could have been dangerous.
- It looks like the Rats are going to make him pay now. The Apothecary has just saved him from a certain death...
- What a bloodbath, Jim!
- Yup, I have the feeling this game is gonna be a slaughter. The main Blitzer of the Underworlds already has a gouged eye, courtesy of Strongroots, and Flemdo has just used a borderline move to injure a Gobo.
- You're saying that but you love those moves...
- Oh, yeah! It's called BLOOD bowl for a reason! Look, they're going after Strongroots!
- And he's already KO'ed another Rat...
- Oh, it's Mr Tree's turn now! Those Rats sure know how to bleed! It's the second one he's sent to the Injury box!
- Eight versus eleven now. Does this Underworld team stand a chance?
- Oh, yes, a good chance to be cleared from the pitch!
- Hello, Jim. What's going on?
- Oh, you know, typical Sammiches play: give the ball to Garion, cage, advance, foul...
- Wait, a Werewolf has just taken his down and is running away with the ball...
- Don't worry, they're gonna catch up... Yeah, that's it! Send this Wight meet his creator! Garion has the ball again... yeah, go for it! And that's a tooooouchdown!
- Oh, it seems the Sammiches have a good chance to score twice in a row... The ball is left unguarded in the backfield after one of the Werewolf was taught a lesson when going after Strongroots...
- And Garion is flying! And... He injured himself. Dammit! They would have won the game with this move. What's wrong with you, Nuffle?
- Hello, Jim. What do we have here? Stunty action?
- Yep, and it's going to be tough for the Sammiches. They're being slaughtered! Even Mr Tree had his skull fractured!
- You mean they're gonna lose?
- Oh, no. They're gonna do their job. But it's gonna be really tough. Look! What was I saying? Kamtickle has just scored for his team!
- Yup, and Strongroots caught the ball in the blizzard. It's gonna be interresting...
- Indeed, but I'm not sure that was a smart choice... A bomb has just taken care of him!
- And the Goblins have the ball now...
- Yes, it's gonna be a miracle if the Sammiches can catch him up...
- Hello, Jim. The Sammiches versus the Buccaneers? It sounds promising...
- The Bucs, the Bucs... They're up against a bunch of pretentious sissies, yes! Yeah, you hear that Milford? Sissies!
- Errr... Maybe you should calm down, Jim...
- Calm down? Look at this big mouthed, arrogant, pathetic excuse for a Blitzer who keeps hiding behind his team mates, and you want me to calm down?
- You're talking about Bo?
- I'm talking about the guy who's gonna have a big, spiky, Halfling boot in his face soon! Yeah, that's it Milford, go tell the ref! You lamer!
- I really think you should take a break and rest for a while, Jim...
- Hello, Jim. It looks like there's already blood on the pitch!
- Oh, yes. The Sammiches have tried to score early, but Stongroots's throw was too short and Garion hurt himself when landing.
- It's a major blow for the team! Do they have a chance to get the ball back, now?
- It's gonna be tough, but that's the risk with those high flying moves. Oh, look! Kamtickle went for the ball, supported by Mr Tree, and he's grabbed it!
- Don't get too hyped, he's just been taken down by a Wight...
- What a game! The Sammiches has managed to contain the offence, and Mr Tree has just knocked the ball carrier out! And Kamtickle's with the ball again!
- And the same Wight takes him down... again. This time, he won't come back.
- So, what do we have here, Jim?
- Oh, it's a classic matchup: the Sammiches vs the Tee Gang.
- It's not the first time those two teams play against each other, is it?
- Oh no, it's their third game, and so far, it's one victory each.
- Well, I guess this time, the Flings will win the game, right Jim?
- Oh yes, you're right. The Tee Gang easily scored during the first half, but the Trees did their job and maimed several Orcs, and Garion is in a great shape today. He's already scored two touchdowns, and something tells me it's not over yet!
- OK Jim, thanks for your time. Enjoy the rest of the game!
- I sure will!
- Oh, what's going on here with the "boring" chants, Jim?
- A pretty pathetic game, if you ask me. The audience had great hopes for this match between two legendary teams, but it's a big disappointment. The first half was quite exciting and both team were tied at the beginning of the second half but the Harlequins have managed to steal the ball and are going for a whole half stall.
- I can understand the reaction of the audience, Jim. Is there anything the Sammiches can do now?
- They're pretty much screwed. Usually, they either suicide-blitz the ball carrier, and simply foul to death the rest of the team, but it's not working today. I don't what they've had for the lunch, but they sure can't dodge in this half.
- Thank you for your time, Jim. May I borrow those tomatoes? I'm going to join the crowd.
- Please, do!
First round of the GLT Stunty qualifier. Two of the eldest teams of the competition are about to face each other. The Low Few have hired Fungus the Loon, but he crashes on Mr Tree on the first turn, and go spend some time in the KO box. The Looney will suffer the same fate one turn later, but the Low Few use their apothecary to allow him to play again. It doesn't matter, the Sammiches are in control.
Second Half. Mr Tree is seriously injured on the first turn. Things could go bad... Fungus is back. He hits a prone Goblin, and kills him! The Sammiches have the ball, and decide to stall. Goblins are surfed and fouled to death. It's an absolute slaughter. Only the two Trolls are left at the end of the game. The Sammiches are qualified for the second round of the competition!
Second round of the Stunty Qualifier of the GLT. With Mr Tree recovering from an injury, the Sammiches are going to have to play with only one Tree, but they're confident. Unfortunately, things don't go as planned during the first half, and the Horrorz manage to get the ball back and score on the last turn. It doesn't matter. The Sammiches keep going with the bashing, and badly hurt the Horrorz' stat freak Troll. Van Halfling scores a first touchdown. The game has to continue overtime. The Horrorz receive, and a Goblin catches the ball mid air. The Troll left tries to toss him, but fails the throw. The Sammiches pick up the ball. The Horroz have only four players left, against a full squad of Flings. The Sammiches could now score, but they decide to finish the job: Deeproot pushes the Troll into the crowd, and the rest of the team is fouled to death. Pitch cleared, and the Sammiches advance to the next round.
Semi-final of the GLT Stunty qualifier. The game is going to be a bloodbath. The Sammiches neglect to score at the end of the first half, but Tuerats has only five players to field on the next turn. One of the Sammiches fouls Findir, and fractures his leg. Only Jim Morrison is left on the pitch.
Nine players of Turats, Turats Pas (out of eleven) have suffered a casualty. Kamtickle is one step away from the touchdown line, but the thirst for blood of the Sammiches is too strong. He decides to stall. Jim is prone, but he still manages to dodge the lightning spell cast by the wizard hired by the team. There's nothing Tuerats, Tuerats Pas can do. The Sammiches easily qualify for the final, where they will face Left My Heart In San Francisco.
GLT qualifier final. There was everything for a great game: two of the best flings teams on Fumbbl, 2 coaches quite experienced with them, a bet with a lot on the line, smack talk, a bunch of spectators calling for blood... But it didn’t go as expected. Watch the replay to find out what happened!
The Sammiches were eliminated after this game, but swore that one day, they will win the whole thing and unforlorn Halflings. The next year, San Francisco will win the GLT qualifier, and make it to the second round where they will lose against the future winners of the tournament. The matches between the Sammiches and San Francisco are always special. Who knows when and where they'll meet again...
- Am I hallucinating, Jim? Are the Sammiches really facing the best Chaos team of the league?
- Yes they are, and Deeproot and Morg are playing with them!
- So, how is it going?
- Pretty bad, I must admit. They've had a great start, taking out several Lone Stars at the beginning of the game, but everything went down after a Chaos Warrior took down Strongroots, preventing them to score.
- Yeah, it's looking pretty bad for the Sammiches at the moment...
- You can say that! Deeproot and the other Treeman of the team were injured at the beginning of the second half, and everything felt apart after that. I guess the game's over now...
- Coach, coach, they have a Deathroller!
- Don't worry, the ref will banned him before the next drive. Beerlo, steal that touchdown!
The Sammiches lead 1-0 by the end of the first half. Most of the Halflings are injured. The Monsters are going to score. Bob Strongroots runs alone after the ball carrier and picks up the ball! But that wasn't enough. The Monsters manage to take him down and score their only touchdown of the game. Second half. Bob Ratling flies and scores for the Sammiches. He will try to do it again a few turns later with the help of a wizard, but the Monsters manage to catch him. They try to pass the ball but... Strongroots intercepts and runs to hand the ball to Ratling again! The game's over. The Sammiches are the first Halfling team to beat the Monsters.
The Sammiches know the game's gonna be tough, especially after the fans have invaded the pitch, leaving Strongroots prone. Bob Ratling wastes no time, and flies for a first touchdown. Beerlo rushes alone into the Horrors' half of the pitch and manages to grab the ball, but he's quickly taken down. The Horrors are in control, and score easily on the last turn of the first half. Six Halflings are out for the second half, and the bloodbath hasn't started yet... The Minotaur blocks Swiftoak, and damages his back! The apothecary couldn't do anything. Lipton Iced Tree will also be injured a few turns later, but he won't be as lucky and will perish on the pitch. The Sammiches are losing 2-1. There's only five of them on the pitch, but all the stars are here. They won't give up. Punchy picks up the ball and pass it to Ratling in two tackle zones. He runs away, but the goat who killed Lipton charges him. Ratling dodges, and salvage a tie out of the game for his team.
- Hello, Jim. I have the feeling this is gonna be a tough game for the Sammiches, right?
- Tough game, tough game... Tell that to the Yeteeh on the ground... That's it, do it! Yay, like that! In the ribs!
- It seems he'll need a few games to recover...
- Oh yeah. A Halfling boot over a Snow Troll any time!
- Don't get too hyped, Jim, the Sammiches are losing 1-0 and Deeproot seems injured...
- Yeah, it's sure gonna be hard for the Sammiches, but at least, they make it entertaining.
- That's one way to see it... Strongroots is the only player left on the pitch...
- And he's still going after the ball carrier!
- Hello, Jim. The Tiny Steel Hammers, seriously?!
- Sure, why not. It's gonna be entertaining...
- Entertaining, maybe, but the Sammiches don't stand a chance, do they?
- I wouldn't bet on them, but who knows...
- Bob Ratling badly hurt himself on his first action, half of the Sammiches are in the Injury Box, you sure are optimistic...
- Have faith! The Sammiches have had several opportunities so far...
- And they failed miserably every time...
- Hum... Yes. Maybe it's time to start praying Nuffle.
I am here to learn how to cook, boil, slice and dice Slann properly. Could you enlighten me?
- BG Handras
Dear Mr Handras,
It's pretty easy. I learned this recipe from Gramma Kam. First off, you need boots. Not every kind of boots. Heavy, spikey boots from the Moot. It's essential to tenderize the meat. Then you need cherries. Don't ask me why, it doesn't even go well with Slann meat, but my gramma always said "start with a cherry". And finally, you need a Blood Bowl team, and fans as well, with rocks, to tenderize the meat even more.
Once you have all that, ask your trees to slash the first frog they see. That's what Bretonian cooks call a bouquet garni. Then come the boots. You need enough boots to separate those juicy legs from the body. At this point, you may have to get rid of the ref for a couple of turns: it's hard to cook when frogs are trying to bite you. Kicking him in the nuts is pretty effective, and should give you a few turns to breathe.
Here is the most important part: you need to degorge (as say the Bretonians again) the legs in milk. Preferably Bull Centaur milk. It has a spicy, chaotic aftertaste that can't be reproduced. Milking a bull sounds kinda dangerous (and perverted), but trust me, it's worth the risk. After a half time marinade, your legs should be almost ready, and most of your flings will probably be at the kitchen door, faking injuries. It's time to deep fry them in your chef's cauldron. Don't overseason them: that'd kill the taste. And don't overcook them either: it dries faster than chicken. You can serve them with rice or Bretonian fries.
- Kam, head chef of the Flying Sammiches
As an undead coach I am curious if there are any new recipes for human brains coming out of the Moot? I hear warpstone is a popular spice for them in Skavenblight, but I am finding it hard to keep my zombies motivated with the regular Ho hum recipes passed down from our regular necromancers.
Thank you Chef Kam.
- Death is Forever staff
Dear Mr Coyote,
You may not know it, but I was sent to Araby when I was 15 to learn the art of cooking in chef Gordon Ramses's kitchen. I'm probably the Halfling chef who knows the best how to please the Undead (no, I'm not referring to necrophilia, and as said to the redemptor, it's legal in those countries anyway), so you were right to contact me.
First off, a successful dish starts with fresh ingredients. Leave rat food to rats. Halfling chefs don't use chemicals, and you will never find any trace of warpstone in their plates. Mutated corn is a big problem in the Moot, I don't want to encourage such practices. Zombies may not be famous for their palate - some of them don't even have one, literally, nor a tongue for that matter, nor teeth, nor a jaw... - but they're not stupid! I mean... yes, they are but... Oh, don't try to confuse me! Don't feed them crap. Period.
For this recipe, we will need small sized brains. I strongly recommend Snotling brains. Of course, you could use Black Orc brains instead - they're about the same size - but they're much harder to find. Fresh Snotlings have the nose slightly humid and the mouth bright red. Don't pay attention to the smell, it's normal.
You now have to open the skull to extract the brain. Smashing the skull with his heel to pop the brain out is pretty funny but it's harder than it sounds, and unless you're a licensed member of the
Snotlings Torturers Association, you will most likely simply ruin the product. Professionals use chainsaws instead, but you could also use an egg opener (the XXL ones, for ostrich eggs - they can be found in any Waaagh Mart for 4.99).
Put each brain in a ramekin with finely sliced endives and smoked ham (preferably from northern Estalia), add one spoon of Bretonnian crême fraiche, and sprinkle it with grated cheese. It's almost ready. Take your preparation to the closest franchise of the College of the Bright Order and ask a wizard to flash fry it. That's it, your brain gratin can now be served.
- Chef Kam, recently acquitted by the redemptors
Following on the train of thought from Mr Coyote and racial preferences to taste! I'm aware when all the planets are aligned Amazon warrior women have a tendency to enjoy a Halfling Kebab with extra spicy sauce... Now 'if' (BIG if) a Halfling(s) could down a Zon warrior how would they like to reply the favour?
- Fear the Females staff
Dear Mr Prez,
As you probably know, I'm writing this letter from Armorica, where I've been conducting researches on the diet of the Blood Bowl players of the old. My next destination being the Amazon basin, I may have a recipe for you (and by the way, that "if" wasn't too big, as your players may have already told you after their last game against my own ladies).
I learned this recipe in the arid highlands bordering Amazonia. It's called a pique macho, and it's probably the perfect dish if you want to spice up your ladies. For this recipe, you will need 3 Kg of Minotaur meat, 15 Squig sausages, 2 Kg of tomatoes, 5 or 6 big onions, chilli peppers, 800g of mushrooms, and some goat cheese.
Cleanly cutting up a Minotard on a Blood Bowl pitch is not an easy thing. Even if you manage to kill the beast, you can be pretty sure his Ogre and Troll buddies will run to the carcass and feast on the best parts. Instead, I generally try to lure him near the side-line and push him into the crowd. The fans do the rest - just ask them to save a filet for you. Oh, and don't use the meat of a mutated Minotard: Humans can't digest it, and the locker room would turn nurglish after the meal.
Goblin Fanatics are experts at finding succulent mushrooms, so you should definitely ask one if he has something for you. By asking, I obviously mean strangling him with his own chain before taking whatever mushrooms he's been hiding. If you can't find any on the corpse, try cutting up his stomach: they generally contain half-digested shrooms. Don't worry about the gastric juices, the
acidity goes well with the other ingredients of the dish. If that method sounds too dangerous for you, you could simply foul every other Goblin on the pitch: his coach is very likely to lose it and ask the Fanatic to run to catch up with the action, which invariably ends up with Mr Psycho stumbling and killing himself with his own weapon. But of course, even if you chose the first method, feel free to foul every single Goblin anyway: that will cheer everybody up, and you can't cook a good dish if you're in a bad mood.
You can find the other ingredients in any Orgafling Market. I particularly recommend Granny Melwyn's goat cheese - she's the only herder of the Old World who successfully reintroduced Beastmen in the mountains of the Empire. Peal the tomatoes, slice the onions, and slowly reduce the mix. Add the sliced peppers after ten minutes or so (you may want to remove some of the seeds if it's too spicy). Meanwhile, dice the Minotard meat and cook it in oil in a hot pan until it gets some colours. When it's ready, drop them in the hotpot to finish the cooking. Boil the sausages, and slice them. Cook the mushrooms with butter in a pan. Mix everything when it's ready, and add two slices of goat cheese per plate. People here eat this dish with Bretonian Fries, but you could also serve it with rice.
- Chef Kam, first Halfling to serve an Alligator burger
Dear Chef Kam,
I enjoyed your state-of-the-art recipes so far, but I would like to hear your ideas about how to give my Dark Elves the right bloodthirst they need to compete with all those killerteams out there. They seem more interested about licking their own wounds (is there a specialo taste they enjoy?) than tasting the blood of their opponents. Can you help me out in this matter?
Thanks in advance,
- Your Monsta
I am no psychonalist... psychotal... brain doctor, I'm a mere Halfling cook (have you tried my brain gratin recipe by the way?). However, I think you got it wrong with your team. Have you even tried to understand your players? You really need to start thinking like a Dark Elf.
Dark Elves just want to have a simple life. They enjoy simple things: being sad and depressed in their cold stone castles, listening to the latest album of PJ Druchii, scarifying a baby from time to time while watching an interview of Robert Pattinkhorne on Cabalvision... but adventurers and Blood Bowl coaches keep coming in Naggaroth to force them to play in shiny stadiums against smelly Dwarves or arrogant High Elves. How do you think they feel?
That being said, I can understand your frustration and I'm going to try to help you. If your players like the taste of their own blood better, it's simply because you feed them too well. Try feeding them exclusively MaleKitKat and their blood will turn into a chemical substance even an Underworld
Goblin wouldn't dare to lick. However, be aware of the risks: they may become as obese as a Halfling with such a diet. There are alternatives like spicy dragon tongues soups from Cathay, but the side effects may be even worse (try that and "fireball" will take a whole new meaning on the next morning).
You should also keep in mind some races taste better than others. Halflings and High Elves should obviously be your favourite picks. Wood Elves should be avoided: I heard Druchii are not fond of organic food. The same goes for Undead teams and Greenskins: the latter bath once a year, and there's not much blood to lick on sacks of bones. Vampires however are an exception: they will taste just like their last opponents, so you should check that first. Dwarves and Chaos players fall into another category. Alcohol or warpstone consumption make their blood quite addictive, but it also has psychedelic side-effects. Your players are likely to get out of control once they have tasted it - it's up to you to decide whether it's a good or a bad thing.
- Kam, Freudian Sleeper
I have this league thing going along and I find myself in unfamiliar surroundings, so I'm in need of a... killer recipe. I keep piling on more claws on my beast steak, but all I get is a burnt tongue even after I give it a mighty blow to cool it. Please help me whip up a good recipe that will prove to be a KO with the rest of the league!
You need to turn your games into culinary art. I strongly recommend you to sign your players for a training session in the Blood Boiled Academy of the Moot (you may get a 10% discount if you mention my name). After this two weeks cursus, they won't see Slanns, Dwarves, or Treemen anymore, but frog legs, filets mignons in a beer sauce, and Halflings barbecues.
During the first week, the students learn basic recipes for the most common food found on a Blood Bowl pitch. You will be provided all the culinary tools you need, and will work with the freshest products, coming straight from the infirmary of the Altdorf stadium. In no other academy of the Old World you will be furnished body parts of superstars of the NAF to learn the art of cooking. You will work with premium products, for premium students. The most famous chefs of the Moot will show you how to cook rats on a skewer, how to prepare delicious Minotard burgers, and how to make wonderful ham out of a freshly cut Ogre leg. They will also taste some of the finest dishes prepared in the previous sessions, staring body parts of Krikack (or what the Charioteers left of him), Pipin's meat pie, and Vindaloo jerkey, delicately smoked by Mr T.
During the second week, the students learn how to use their newly acquired cooking skills on the
pitch. After this training, they won't pile on anymore: they will tenderize the meat. They will no longer stab an opponent, they will take what they need to make blood sausages. Your Beast of Nurgle won't have tentacles anymore: he will become your pantry. The students also learn which cooking tools are allowed on the pitch, and how to convince a referee to let you stuff your opponents with mushrooms or aromatic herbs before the kick-off (he may become the core ingredient of your next dish in the process).
And if you're not convinced yet, if you sign up for three or more teams before July 1st, a Halfling Chef from the Academy will assist the team of your choice for its next ten games!
- Chef Kam, founder of the Blood Boiled Academy
Here are a few badges the Sammiches proudly (or not so proudly) earned on the pitch. A few are probably missing.
Helmet courtesy of Bone-Idol. Player pictures by Boeufmironton. The code of the bio is available here. Feel free to use it if it inspires you, but please, use your own artwork.