Father Ted: Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas priests... more drink!


Father Ted: Meals are at eleven, one, half-two, three, five, seven, and nine, and if you want a quick snack, you can just ask Mrs. Doyle there.

Father Ted: That's the great thing about Catholicism - it's very vague and no-one knows what its really all about.

Wise words


Father Jack Hackett: Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls!


Father Jack Hackett: FECK OFF, CUP!


Father Ted: What was it he used to say about the needy? He had a term for them...
Father Dougal: A shower of bastards.

Father Dougal: Hello Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you little prick. I'm a bishop!
Father Dougal: Oh right. Well done.

Bishop Brennan: What would the following words suggest to you: "Jack", "sleepwalking" and "bollock naked"?


Bishop Brennan: Normally you wouldn't be able to organize a nun shoot in a nunnery.

Mrs Doyle: You'll have some tea... are you sure you don't want any? Aw go on, you'll have some. Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on GO ON!


Mrs Doyle: There's always time for a nice cup of tea. Sure, didn't the Lord himself pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world.
Father Ted: No, he didn't, Mrs Doyle!
Mrs Doyle: Well, whatever the equivalent they had for tea in those days, cake or something. And speaking of cake, I have cake!
[holds up a cupcake]
Father Ted: No, thanks, Mrs Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: Are you sure, Father? There's cocaine in it!
Father Ted: WHAT?
Mrs Doyle: Oh, no, not cocaine. God, what am I on about. No, what d'you call them. Raisins.

Father Fintan Stack: I want to listen to some music.
Father Ted: Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.
Father Fintan Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.