Oliver St John-Mollusc,
Harrow and the Guards, thought by many to be this year's outstanding twit

...what a great twit!

Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith has an
O-level in chemo-hygiene

Simon-Zinc-Trumpet-Harris, married to a very attractive table lamp.

Nigel Incubator-Jones, his best friend is a tree, and in his spare time he's a stockbroker

Gervaise Brook-Hampster is in the Guards,
and his father uses him as a wastepaper basket

Full Name is Lady Sarah Pencil Farthing Vivian
Streamroller Adams Pie Biscuit Aftershave
Gore Stringbottom Smith,
and she enjoys sitting on top hats and standing on poor people.

Now they're under starter's orders...
and they're off!!!

(the starter fires the gun, but nobody moves)

Ah no, they're not.
No they didn't realize they were supposed to start.
Never mind, we'll soon sort that out, the judge is explaining it to them now.

They're coming up to the debs, Gervaise first, Vivian second, Simon third. And now they've got to take the bras off from the front, this is really difficult, this is really the most, the most difficult part of the entire competition, and they're having a bit of trouble in there I think, they're really trying now and the crowd is getting excited, and I think some of the twits are getting rather excited too

And now it's Kicking the Beggar.

(the twits are kicking a beggar with a tray)

Simon's there and he's putting the boot in, and not terribly hard, but he's going down and Simon can move on

Well there'll certainly be some car door slamming in the streets of Kensington tonight

Now all they have to do here to win the title is to shoot themselves!!

Good afternoon and welcome to Hurlingham Park.
You join us just as the competitors are running out onto the field on this lovely winter's afternoon here, with the going firmunderfoot and very little sign of rain

Now all they have to do here to win the title is to shoot themselves