ozjesting
Joined: Jan 27, 2004
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Feb 15, 2005 - 23:08 |
 
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Ed Harsh here for Herd and Hoof Magazine
I don't know what sort of Gods Lizardmen worship...but whoever they are the cold-bloods must have had an excellent week in church! My guess is they recieved some sort of "armour magik" along with some "pickitup juice" and a large dose of "foulhurt" as well. Whatever they had it completly baffled the kidz and made them look like a bunch of useless pups trying to open a can with a stick. First 1 1/2 turns looked good...recieved..went to their stock play...all was well...then a simple handoff from Gone to Horsehead was fumbled and WHAM skinks are up 1-0. After that it was just humiliation after humiliation. Failed gfi's, pushs, and most embarresing was Taller..he of the claw...failing to break skink armour ALL GAME! The GREAT UNSEEN will NOT be happy about that.
The ONLY goat doing anything was Amorica...this old timer is seeing a resurgence in his career ever since he added DirtyPlayer to his skill set. Once our #1 QB until a -ST saw him move to a bench role...now in the last 3 games he has scored 2 TDs, committed 12 fouls and was given the MVP against the skinks as he was the ONLY one who could hurt them. Now if only the others would take note of his leadership and get back to bizness.
A Premiership flag seems out of the question now...and with 2 tough matches remaining, against two dangerous Orc squads, even staying in the big league is in doubt. Let's hope a little pep talk will see the Herd come back strong!
Black Crowes 0 vs 2 Slumbering Skink |
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Say GO AWAY to CuddleBunny! |
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gumbi
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
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Feb 14, 2005 - 23:29 |
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Barbara Bandages sent us this quick press release before dropping her children at school (Motherhood is like being a taxi driver these days...)
The Southern Mothers Association mourns the loss of the next scheduled opponents of the shining example of motherhood that is Gumbeast United, the cowardly Guttormr Raiders. The scrappy norsemen were unable to compete with Jacks Boozers after their education in discipline by the SMA’s finest. The Boozers however were a bit rough with their punishment, leaving 3 of the Raiders never able to play again… The SMA would like to warn the Boozers that they are being watched; as such excessive punishment is not proper.
Gumbeast United's new recruit young mother Carroll Bryan is disappointed that she will not have a chance to play with the Raiders she said "I have been looking forward to this game as a chance to practice my skills against such undisciplined children". The SMA is disappointed that coach Skonos pulled the plug on the team after a single bad game, unfortunately he was not available for comment, at last report he was curled in the corner, possibly sobbing.
Lastly the SMA would like to note that such bad fortune occurred at the ill fated club only after they were spotted with the teen bloodbowl magazine's rated most likely player to film herself doing the nasty with an entire dwarf team. It is a warning that consorting with Zara is to tempt the hand of Mother Nuffle herself.
Please ring your Mothers & look after yourselves. |
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Snorri
Joined: Jun 07, 2004
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Feb 14, 2005 - 14:43 |
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Bob Borc 'ere!
Bit of a' update for da Twahnlow Medal at da end of Round 4 in the Premiership - naturally led by an orcy! (Ed: Oi what's goin on 'ere Bob!?)
10 pts - Reddn' Roll'n (Krasherz)
07 pts - Taller (Black Crowes)
07 pts - DaBludga (Wanna Beatin)
06 pts - Karn Rockarm (Southside Stone Smashers)
06 pts - Breasal Brandon (Wickermen)
06 pts - Quickone (Warlizards)
06 pts - Darren (Warlizards)
Rememberin' this ain't quite an even spread of points since some teams have had their byes against Carlton United and some 'avent. |
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Snorri
Joined: Jun 07, 2004
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Feb 14, 2005 - 13:59 |
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Kami's comments after the upset of the Premiership: Karaz Krasherz 1 vs 0 Southside Stone Smashers.
Goobering gesticulations! The ladz have a bit of fight after all! Not that it matters hugely now after they dashed their premiership aspirations before even they began. Still, tiz good to see the ladz with a bit of pluck mixing it up in the prem and opening the door to an exciting conclusion to da season. Still, can't go back now I'm coaching da Old Gaffers' Geriatrics, and boy do they need some coachin! Best thing about this challenge is I can't really help them to any worse a game than they had on their qpool debut! But good luck to da Krasherz! They have a fighting chance at sticking around in prem now, though much will depend on their next game!
The leadup to the game itself was a bit of a tea party for the Krasherz. The aimless sort which takes on a life of its own - due in considerable part to assistant coach Kami abandoning the team in frustration.
Red Noggin' was sconed for being such an elf prat and the frequent ire of Kami's withering gazes. This probably accounted for him turning up to the match in a doggie bag, unable of course, to take the field.
Stompa finally realised everyone else thought him stupid. Silly really, looking a little vacant while working out complex quantum mechanical equations was pretty normal really - and they had the audacity to think he was stupid! Goon copped a barnhousing roundhouse for so delicately illuminating Stompa of this little fact. He too, was binned for the big game as a result (DUH WHERE AM I handicap saw him off the field as it was too big a risk to have him play and bonehead at a critical moment).
And so with the frequent sconings and locker room brawls as a tumultuous, ungoverned week came to an end, the lads took to the field in a strangely orcy frame of mind. The elforcs were sidelined and amidst the chaos, Nobbla da Chainsaw snuck onto the field. The game was a very bashy affair, even the Smasher's Kahn Rockarm had a pretty quite game. Nobbla attracted alot of undeserved attention (only managed a KO and a stun) right up to turn 16 when his chainsaw riped him a new ....
And out of all the beatings, the dwarves surprisingly came off second best and the lads came away with a win! The best of it all sees the premiership now flung wide open. The premiership itself as well as the season's infamous relegations now all up for grabs! |
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gumbi
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
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Feb 10, 2005 - 00:53 |
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Barbara Bandages has interrupted her knitting to release the following announcement from the Southern Mothers Association.
'The proud and noble members of the Southern Mothers Association - Gumbeast United were forced to play the nasty Forza Ferrari squad in their hectic Southern Conference schedule.
The SMA are pleased that the Gumbeast United squad played a very nice friendly game. Several of the amazonian girls were sent back to the changing rooms to reconsider their attire, after exposing a bit too much skin, star mummy Anders Hansson was heard screaming 'You're Not going out in that!!' before politely guiding one of the girls off the pitch.
Unfortunately the hyperactive girls were jumping around like crazy kids, and managed to cause themselves harm, with two unfortunate fatalities due to headbutting a table and a bad case of doing the splits. Emergency repairs by a registered nurse fixed up the nose, but the splits caused unfortunate internal injuries leading to complications. This is a general warning against dodging and running about, and going past your limits.
The amazon team disapointed their Mothers by hiring troubled teen Zara. She greatly distracted the Khemri team who attempted to lecture her on lifestyle choices. Luckily she was seen running off the pitch with a good looking gumbeast united assistant coach at half time, never to be seen again. The assistant coach has been fired due to health complications.
A notable event was a mass fouling on new mother Carroll Bryan. The mothering instinct was too strong, and she rose once more to educate the crass ladies of lustria.
The amazons played a better game than the distracted khemri team but could not convert for a win, the final score was 1-1. Let this be a lesson in Karma. Nuffle does not like our teen queen of bloodbowl.
All eyes are now on the manly Guttormr Raiders to see if they will blow their dough on the spoilt princess, further fueling her drug habits.
Please ring your Mothers & look after yourselves.' |
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Smegish
Joined: Jul 13, 2004
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Feb 09, 2005 - 05:34 |
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Welcome back sports fans, and this is Jahosh Gawwad here to tell you about the latest latest Western Conference game, between the Pro Losers and Brouhaha's Revenge.
Well the brave elves started well with the ball, and Lotti Tuquiri found a gap in the Chaos Dwarf line to score in the early minutes of the game, but from then on it went all the Revenge's way, and they battered the poor elves all around and several times OFF the pitch.
By half time the score was 1-1, but without enough players on the pitch to halt the evil dwarves, the Losers were soundly beaten in the end.
Pro Losers 1-3 Brouhaha's Revenge |
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ClayInfinity
Joined: Aug 15, 2003
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Feb 06, 2005 - 11:13 |
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Zen Adepts 4 def Blue Mountain Dragons 0
It was a grim night here in the North Conference as old foes the Zen Adepts squared off against <u><i>SWL V Champions</u></i> the Blue Mountain Dragons.
Unfortunately due to 6 injuries in all, 3 of them at the last minute, the Dragons could only muster 7 players for the opening kickoff.
That number was reduced in the opening moments as Woodford Benz was carried off in the first minute with a bad injury and from that point on it was a walk over.
The Dragons fought bravely, but further serious injuries to star catchers Blax Landric and Lapi Stoneman ended what little hope there was and the game petered out into a 4-0 walkover.
The Adepts were gentlemanly though in their approach in the second half as a show of respect to the long arch rivals. Many of the Dragons fans applauding the mercy shown from the stands.
Yet despite this, Lapi Stoneman's injury was serious enough that he has been retired and replaced by rookie sensation Jelli Beenpoole |
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Faulcon
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
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Feb 05, 2005 - 10:26 |
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Skinks run past (more) orcs - by Ltrrl, Enforcer (Retired)
Ghsrss headbutt fist again (dumb bonehead head not that thick bone). Skinks run fast past orcs and win.
Edited and annotated - by Aouoedllphss, Sprinter (Retired)
The skinks were looking pretty lethargic early on, a mysterious shared nightmare the previous evening had caused significant concern with SWL super-star skink Thshltraeeay especially off balance having had a premonition of his death. No doubt this contributed to the way the lizards performed after kicking off, all the skinks running to the wrong side of the pitch and leaving Queer wide open to receive the pass and head to the line. Thshltraeeay bravely put his thoughts aside and forced a tough dodge from the orcish thrower, but Queer made it over the line for the early lead. On the return play, the lizards formed up a wedge driving down the middle of the orcish defensive line before a small group splintered off and smashed a hole large enough for emerging talent Xies-ler-aym to slide easily through and level the scores. The lizards were looking a lot sharper at the second kickoff, and after Konondrumfumbled a simple handoff from Goon, Thshltraeeay showed his acclaimed form from last season to recover the ball and put the lizards 2-0 up at the break.
The skinks were taking a bit of a pounding though, not high on numbers to start with, they were down to 9 at the second half restart, but once again after the lizards used a little feint of their own, Slirl used his exceptional strength to force a gap allowing a small group of lizards to dash through on the weak side. Orcish abomination Goon attempted a suicidal blitz into the 3 skink formation and almost pulled it off, but fell at the last and most difficult hurdle. Aieiee made sure the lineorc wouldn't be making a second attempt with a well timed boot to the head. A second foul the next turn to remove Rock'ead II had the skinks feeling a little more comfortable as the completed the third touchdown to end the scoring. The orcs tried to pull one back to make the scoreline presentable in the final turn, but Srrts happened to be trying to swat an annoying pigeon when the ball was hurled past him and quite by accident found he'd got the ball caught between his fingers. He was spared the trouble of trying to work out what to do with it when the whistle sounded for end of the game.
Only dark spot for the match was Ghsrss once again showing his incompetence by getting injured twice (again once by himself). This Krox needs a trainer, and fast.
Slumbering Skinks 3 - 1 Karaz Krasherz |
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Snorri
Joined: Jun 07, 2004
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Feb 05, 2005 - 09:27 |
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A disconsolate Kami walks out on the Krasherz to consider alternative coaching options after an abysmal showing by the lads at the top level this season... |
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ozjesting
Joined: Jan 27, 2004
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Feb 03, 2005 - 13:32 |
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Ed Harsh here for Herd and Hoof Magazine
Well dear readers this reporter is EXAHAUSTED! What an afternoon of Blood Bowl it was. The mighty Herd was noble in defeat...and showed why they deserve to be up here with the big boys..but the Champions are Champions and thus it is that we must wait for a rematch somewhere in the future.
Amorica, that stalwart of seasons gone by, has rediscovered his passion for the game in the guise of Dirty Player! After going to ST 2 a couple of seasons ago he was rarely on the pitch...but little did we know that he had been studing the dark arts. With the elusive SPP he was missing finally earned in round 2 he had the final ingredient to start his career in back play bashing. Pundits may well remember it was the same Amorica who was red carded against the Warlizards when he took his first step into darkness...but with that lesson learned he came out prepared to turn the tide against the Smashers. And what a debut performance...with 5 fouls in the game (2 with the "eye" watching)...he rockets to the top of the Twahnlow Ladder, takes out some hefty opponents...AND scores the only TD for the Herd..what a game!
Other damage meisters were Taller doing the do with his trusty Claw...and Horsehead got back to bizness as well. All up they out CASd the dwarves..but it was all too little too late really.
The hinge play was late in the first half when Gone thought he had a scoring break...but Kahn Rockarm managed to knock him and the ball free...TWICE in 2 turns...and the CW wasn't up to the task of finishing off the play. But such is life in the tough top notch world of Premier Div..make or break baby...and it just wasn't enough.
We look forward yto the rest of the season..but somehow feel that THIS game was the GranD Final...we can't see the Smashers losing from here..but good luck opponents...you'll need it 
Black Crowes 1 vs 2 Southside Stone Smashers |
_________________
Say GO AWAY to CuddleBunny! |
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Smegish
Joined: Jul 13, 2004
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Feb 02, 2005 - 14:10 |
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Hi there sports fans, and this is JaHosh Gawwad reporting the recent game between the Pro Losers and Bills Beaut Battlers. The Pro Losers, in their first ever conference game, had a great game, and easily dealt with the strength of the Battlers, and when they busted a hole, the Battlers just couldn't catch them. Only one major injury was caused, and Reg Raegan will be suffering from his back injury for some time to come. The Coach and Captain of the Losers, Paul Vautin, had this to say after the game.
"Well Jahosh, I think this game will silence the critics sayin we aren't supposed to be here, not only were we competitive, we can beat even the bashiest of teams without any serious damage done to our team. The Battler's played a good game, but today Nuffle was with us, not them.
Pro Losers II 2-0 Bills Beaut Battlers |
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Satans_mechanic
Joined: Jul 17, 2004
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Feb 01, 2005 - 10:43 |
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Official Forza Ferrari Press Release
Coach Stan McKhanic categorically denies any allegations of unlawfully detaining the Horny Toads apothecary, and also states that reports a dungeon has recently been installed at the stables headquarters are completely unfounded |
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ozjesting
Joined: Jan 27, 2004
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Feb 01, 2005 - 06:21 |
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Ed Harsh here for Herd and Hoof Magazine
Welcome readers to a special PREMIER PREVIEW of the round 3 BLOCKBUSTER between theBlack Crowes and the current title holders the Southside Stone Smashers
This has all the hallmarks of the Game of the Season..if not the game of the Year!!! On paper though it is hard to see how the mighty Herd are going to stop this SWL powerhouse. Over the Seasons these two team have met on the field of battle 3 times. Smashers currently hold the edge with 2 Wins and 1 Loss. All 3 games were decided with a scoreline of 1-0. Total CAS count is even at 5 a piece. 3/2/0 Crowes - 2/2/1 Smashers. Let's have a look at how these 2 teams shape up this time.
Southside Stone Smashers: Record 35-3-6 268/251 RR 6 FF 12
Smashers are as Smashers do..and this team has a NASTY habit of living up to their name. With a CAS rate that would make an ER Dr. call in sick, they are not to be taken lightly. With a massive average of 3.3 CAS a game..and a sickining 23 RIPs in their 44 games they are built to kill! A quick look at their team sheet shows why. 11 Guards makes a mockery of trying to man up on them. 6 players with Mighty Blow, a sprinkling of Frenzy and Pro to cause trouble and 2 Dirty Players who make lying down no fun either. Look for them to swarm the Beasts early and never let go. They even have a couple of Pass Blockers..one can only assume they ran out of skills to add
They are not short on offensive power either. 81 TDs at an average of 1.8 a game show these little fellas know what to do with the ball. Look for their star runners to do the damage here. Kahn Rockarm and Tharn Stoutlegs have 31 TDs between them and we can expect the ball to end up in their hands as soon as practical.
This team has everything folks..and with NO NIGGLES to speak of they are as healthy as a team can be. Stunning management at such a high level of the game and maybe the fiercest team ever seen in the SWL.
On the other side of the field we have of course our favourite, The Black and Fur, the Horns and Helmets, The Herd GIVE IT UP BEAST LOVERS
the Black Crowes: Record 19-2-19 262/229 RR 5 FF 12
The pride of the Shadow Void, and the personnel pet project of the GREAT UNSEEN, this rangey band of mis-fits has been a stayer in the SWL since their debut in Season 3. Their journey to the Premier Div has been a mighty story of hope (often dashed) and persistence. But after a stunning UNDEFEATED season 7..and a 2-0 start to the Premier Season 8 they are ready for this most awesome of rematches. The team is certainly weaker injury wise. 4 Niggles could be a concern..and a key Chaos Warrior won't be suiting up due to a run in with a Saurus last round. They slightly out Mighty Blow the Dwarves with 8 players weilding the hammer and Taller is the weilder of the Claw! Only 3 Guards on this team of individuals., and only 1 Dirty Player. But what they lack in ST is made up for in heart. You only have to watch the replay of their last match against the Warlizards to see how they never give up. If they have ANY advantage it will be in the Agility stakes. With 3 across the board.and Gone working his AG 4 magic in the backfield, if they can get to the ball they certainly know what to do with it. Their strike rate as an average is only 1.2 a match...but in their last 6 games they have scored 11 TDs and allowed 0! Thats right Herd fans..this defense has been MIGHTY! And they are not shirkers in the pain dept. either. With a CAS average of 2.3 a game and 13 RIPS they can deal a blow on their day.
All up you'd have to think the Herd is coming into this match big underdogs...but these kids will be fighting horn and claw the whole way! There are even rumours swirling out of the Void that the GREAT UNSEEN himself may suit up for this match (read "Wizard") and even if that doesn't come to pass this reporter has also heard that the great Chainsaw weilding goblin Nobbla Blackwart has been seen near the training paddock as well.
Surprises a plenty in store my friends...and who knows what the Smashers may have up their sleeves as well. With 100K in the coffers they may be planning a surprise on gameday too!
This is a MUST SEE event if ever there was one readers! So book your ticket early. Game time is 3pm Sydney time...5pm Wellington Time THIS Thursday FEB 3! Channel BB will have a full report following the match.
Look forward to seeing you there! |
_________________
Say GO AWAY to CuddleBunny! |
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Snorri
Joined: Jun 07, 2004
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Feb 01, 2005 - 01:59 |
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Some comments from the Krasherz' assistant supercoach Kami:
"I hear Zara's mum was kicked out of the Undead mother's association and subsequently Zara was left to be raised by the dwarves (see the old White Dwarf, or was it Blood Bowl? runic editions - its no wonder she has issues!). So....maybe the undead mother's association has it coming! Good luck to the bent out of shape lass I say!" |
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Snorri
Joined: Jun 07, 2004
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Feb 01, 2005 - 01:51 |
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Well! It's no secret that Stan McKhanic has lusted after the The Horny Toad's darling apothecary (he and half the other coaches in the swl!), so when Druchii Coach Snorri and his lads were challenged with the kidnapping of the feisty lass, how could they turn down such an audaciously daring mission? The fame and the press they would receive if they could pull such a stunt off would be spectacular!
And so the Vanguard of the Southern Ark stealthed into action. The plan was executed almost perfectly - unfortunately the care to make sure Gumbi and his team of Khemrian Porcelain Dolls would be framed for the stunt were foiled by an unexpected outburst from his mother (she's quite probably the only reason the Gumbeast Dolls are given any respect at all - it's quite distracting trying to pound one of the khemri into dust when her terrifying visage looms behind their bones like a wraithlike shadow).
So, with the darling apothecary chained deep in the Ark, her pet Lizards followed the trail bent on vengeance. Unfortunately, bound in a blinding and dim-witted fury, most of the lizards fell for every trap set for them - leaving them too bruised and mauled to continue in the SWL in the short term. Perhaps they'll have better luck seeking vengeance on Stan McKhanic (now that he has the darling apothecary stashed away somewhere) once they recover.
As for the The Gold Valley Tigers...well! With a miserable fan following, it's usual practice for such teams to be maneuvred by the swl into merging with other teams. Not that Coach Snorri would know anything about it, but with the number of extremely agile star players on the Tigers' roster - it wouldn't be surprising if many of the team had been merged into other teams in the swl already. Thus graciously saving the swl administration the costly hours of paperwork involved in forcing a typically unpopular "official" merge. |
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