MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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 Posted:
Apr 27, 2021 - 22:15 |
 
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SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVI Week 4
What's that horrible crunching noise? It's the sound of the SWL reaching the middle of the season. And with it, a fresh delivery of rotting corpses for your beloved hosts, Jim and Bob, to pick through...
Week Four is traditionally a time when the apothecaries head to the golf course rather than bothering to show up at the stadium, and the combination of exhausted players and sharpened spikes usually gives us a lot of 'material'. While SWL LXXXVI hasn't been particularly blessed with impact, this was the second most seriously-injured week 4 since records began, paling only in comparison to the middle of season LXXXII. Without further ado, let's get to it:
No point waiting for the cows to come home, because they're dead:
 Moobris Whack-half, stamped on by Silver Truestone. Chaos Beastman, 0 SPP.
"Anyone watching that would have been reassured that Silver really did have all the gold. Whether it was the money to pay the ref to ignore that foul, or the money paid before the match to ensure the Facts' own bribe was ignored, or the gilded MVP award he took on top of all this, Truestone was in the money."
"May his pockets grow deeper and his arms ever shorter..."
 "Not so" Lucky Seven, hammered by by Az Naylz. Dark Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
 The Messenger, got a very terse letter from Professor Oak. Human Lineman, 16 SPP.
Danger Demon, exorcised from the kitchen by Wolfgang Puck. Human Lineman, 0 SPP.
"0 SPP? That Demon was only a danger to himself!"
 Corvette, left up on blocks by The Evil Doctor. High Elf Lineman, 8 SPP.
FIRST OF MANY AWARD
 Very Unfriendly Fructose Overdose, unsweetened by Diana Wynne Jones. Goblin 'Ooligan, 0 SPP.
"This week sees another dead green player - our very first Ooligan to make it to the Death Watch. That's also the first Ooligan to have had any serious injuries - the little lads with the big voices have been surprisingly durable up until now..."
"Jim, there's a goblin from the fact checking department saying we've had a groin strain, a smashed knee, a broken jaw, fractured ribs, poisoning and a smashed ankle from Ooligans before."
"Yes, but none of those are serious. I mean, they're only Ooligans, right?"
 We're not going to say anybody left Demeter running, after a classic foul by the multi-time All Star Blin. Underworld Troll, 20 SPP.
"And just a few seasons ago we'd not seen a single Underworld Troll. Now there's a troll every week."
"Is Manshape going to make it to Legend without dying?"
"Three games left. Hold onto your trolls, people!"
 Lethe, in a world of grief by Bruiser. Underworld Lineman, 5 SPP.
"I'm not sure that rhyme works, Bob."
"I'll tell you something else that doesn't work. Lethe."
 [Un]Luckier, found his time was up when he met Cronus. Chaos Dwarf Hobgoblin , 45 SPP.
"Hobgoblin, you say? Looks more like a elf blitzer with a wonky leg to me."
"It's a Rorscharch test, Bob. Look long enough, it actually looks just like a puddle of blood..."
"Rorscharch? Didn't he play for Pugs Not Drugs back in the seventies?"
Substitute Teacher Dan, will be finding somebody else to look after his class after being run over by Mobad Namimdigr. Dark Elf Lineman, 3 SPP.
 Bad Hat?, decapitated by Geirr?ðr Sn?rtrs. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
"We've never had three question marks over a single death before, have we Bob?"
"Question marks? Are those like skid marks?"
"Thank you, Bob..."
Hoppy Balbo'a, not so happy balboa after a classic thumping by the old man of the League, Impak. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
 Dorksmoosh, permanently smooshed by Thad'hak. Ogre Gnoblar, 3 SPP.
"Well, there's been a lot of controversy about people thinking Snotlings play for Ogre teams, so I'm glad we laid that one to rest."
"Along with Dorksmoosh."
"Although one of the techno-goblins at Cabalvision is wittering on about the True Book Of Fumbbl, and how the caption for the picture of the Gnoblar in there clearly says 'https://fumbbl.com/FUMBBL/Images/PlayerIcons/Snotling2.gif'."
"Don't try to blind me with science, Jim!"
 Luigi-brious, picked off by Suzie Scabs. Undead Ghoul, 9 SPP.
"I'm pretty sure that should have been the other way around, Bob..."
Only humans suffered from the Curse Of The Death Watch this week:
 Corpse, 1 kill. Damaged Back
 Felix, 1 kill. Smashed Ankle
And finally, because we missed it last week, here's two weeks of mangled players for you to feast your eyes on:
                    
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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| Posted:
Apr 20, 2021 - 05:44 |
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SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVI Week 3
Apologies readers for an abbreviated Death Watch this week - on top of players refusing to die frequently enough, we've been having to put up with another 'anonymous' letter writing campaign by Pinkeye Growthspurt, this time claiming all the refs are biassed because they take everyone else's bribes and not his. Anyway, let's make a start. Or, for our participants this week, an end.
Haukr Illugison, blocked by Mobad Namimdigr. Norse Lineman, 1 SPP.
"What do we say about that?"
"Tricky when it's so hard to figure out how to pronounce those Norse names... Haukr hawked up a loogy? Life is an illusion for Illugison?"
"On the bright side, it wasn't one of those elves with a stupid name this week..."
Orio, nothing but crumbs blown away by Still Wind. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Isn't that Oreo, not Orio?"
"He's not anything any more, Jim..."
Pedrolino, nailed into the ground by the boot of Yorick Clumsyhammer. Elf Catcher, 9 SPP.
"How did that happen? it's not like elves are renowned for being flimsy, is it?"
Javier Calls, but nobody's picking up after a hit by Lemon Meringue Pie. Snotling, 0 SPP.
"Surely that's a misprint, Bob."
"What do you mean?"
"You don't spell 'Gnoblar' like that, do you?"
Beesting Funnylips, not so funny after being gobbled up by Uncleshape Sleazyhands. Goblin , 0 SPP.
"That's the second player we've ever had eaten, Jim!"
"Yes, and Uncleshape was on fire in that match - he'd previously ended the career of a frog by throwing a goblin at him - the first time somebody's pulled that one off."
"That's hardly the first time somebody's pulled the leg off a frog, Jim..."
Gjergj Skanderbeg, not too proud to beg after a big hit by Kreek Rustgouger. Dark Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Gjergj?"
"Which, ironically, was the very last thing he said."
Leaving the best until last...
Happy Dancer, unhappily waltzing off into the sunset after (predictably enough) being reaved by Kirin Trollreaver. Orc Troll, 156 SPP.
"Wow. That's a proper calamity: the apo did nothing, and then the oldest, wisest Orc Troll in the league forgot to regen and now he's the deadest Orc Troll in the league!"
"Nothing like a 1 in 72 chance to get you onto the leaderboard, eh Bob?"
With the death of Dancer, there's now even fewer players left to sacrifice before we get a full set - will there be a donation of any Amazon Throwers before the end of the season? Come on, Widowmakers, be Widowermakers for a change!
            
... and in late breaking news, one last remnant to be scraped from the stadium floor:
Tristan Corrigad, corrugated into mud by Brooks Mudman. Goblin , 0 SPP.
"Tristan? Or Tristess as our Bretonnian friends would say."
"Bretonnians don't have any friends, Bob."
And without further delay, let's take a quick check on the Curse of the Death Watch this week:
Mobad Duindudr, Block * 3 kills. Smashed Hip
Happy Dancer, Block * 3 kills. Dead
Yorick Clumsyhammer, Failed dodge * 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Sure-Fire Glo, Block * 1 kill. Broken Ribs
Corpse, * 1 kill. Damaged Back |
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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| Posted:
Apr 14, 2021 - 07:11 |
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SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVI Week 2
Lighting Jr, done in by Mobad Duindudr. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Players called Lightning have a habit of vanishing in a flash from that team, don't they?"
"Yep - guess even being mispelt couldn't help him..."
Frank Shelford, suffered a massive Impakt. *High Elf Blitzer, 50 SPP.
"Another elf on the shelf - forever!"
"Now Jim, what self-respecting elf has a stupid name like that?"
"He doesn't have much of anything any more, Bob..."
Speed bump, returned to smooth tarmac by Thardrakk Coalface. Snotling, 5 SPP.
 Khar'zh, sent down the khazi by Uncle Bogi's Mean Machine. Chaos Dwarf Bull Centaur, 22 SPP.
Cory Truetree, had too much of the sweet taste of Chocolate. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.
Alex Genselda, should have been more afraid of the big bad Wilford B. Wolf. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.
 Wilford B. Wolf, doing a good impression of his grandma after a hit by Cah. Necromantic Werewolf, 55 SPP.
"You have to respect the Curse of the Death Watch for punishing Wolf. Nobody should go around bullying Gnoblars like that..."
 Super Spreader, spread all over the place by Edda Thomin. Nurgle Pestigor, 10 SPP.
"Probably for the best, we don't want AG4 pestigors running amok."
"Never mind that, have you seen how many muscular ladies are in the league?"
"That's a stat I'm not interested in, Jim..."
Billy Bluefire, extinguished by Biff. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
 Glart Smashrip, scraunched by Staunch. Glart Smashrip, 0 SPP.
"Scraunched? That isn't even a word!"
"That's not even a star player any more, Jim..."
Boa Sandersonia, proved snakes should never go surfing. *Amazon Blitzer, 19 SPP.
Cooper, forced to drink too much by Kullo Ironflagon. Human Lineman, 3 SPP.
"In a early contender for this season's Omelette, the Giants' defence was reliable as usual."
"Well, you say that, but usually that manage to kill players before they score, Bob..."
Late breaking news (honestly, we didn't just overlook this one...}
Petra the Petrified, turned to stone by Cash Bland. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
"When will this senseless war between rats and lizards ever end?"
Curse of the Death Watch
Stuart, the End Level Guy, Foul * 1 kill. Broken Jaw
Wilford B. Wolf, Block * 2 kills. Dead
Henry Corydar, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Skull
Haldir Axebreaker, Block * 3 kills. Pinched Nerve
Felix, Block * 1 kill. Serious Concussion |
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Apr 05, 2021 - 21:59 |
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SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVI Week 1
"Welcome back to (possibly) the last ever season under the current rules of the Southern Wastes. And what a start it's been - every single match played in the first round had at least one serious injury. While we didn't hit the heights of the opening season of SWL LXXXIV, it's a solid start..."
Chevelle III, beaten up by Bruiser. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
Fun gal fright, certainly has a fear of flying after a fatal failed landing. Snotling, 1 SPP.
 Bakh Ogredawner, suffered from being confused with a vampire by Zara the Slayer. Orc Lineman, 2 SPP.
Tristan G, also slain by Zara the Slayer. Orc Lineman, 0 SPP.
"What does the G stand for, Jim?"
"Guts? He had a lot of them. Until they got spread over the pitch!"
William Tuscanar, turned even greener by Gangrene Greg. Ogre Snotling, 3 SPP.
Jeremiah Zilka, received a fatal injection from Vaxinator. Goblin , 0 SPP.
 Pedro Name, it's a real shame, removed from the game by Euryclea Fearlock. Necromantic Ghoul, 0 SPP.
Melanie-cholia, certainly not any more cheerful after a block from Takharth Stoneheart. Undead Ghoul, 7 SPP.
 Brachycephalus Didactylus IIIIIII, carved up by Gordon Ramsay. Slann Catcher, 0 SPP.
Pride Fall, bent beyond his breaking point by Bender. Lizardman Skink, 12 SPP.
Bender, shaved off the pitch by Moon Mustache. Human Blitzer, 46 SPP.
"A solid revenge hit there - that was Bender's first ever kill, and the Curse of the Death Watch got him in one turn."
"You don't stop talking about the Curse, do you, Bob?"
"As long as it keeps killing people, I'm talking about it!"
Curse Of The Death Watch Results
Sure-Fire Glo, 1 kill. Fractured Arm
Snow Scare, 1 kill. Broken Ribs
Bender, 1 kill. Dead
So, with one death from a player hitting the pitch, and ten more from players hitting each other, we're off to a good start. While we start hunting around for the Death Watch prizes from last season (which suspiciously went missing) feast your eyes on the broken and maimed players that won't be playing in week two:
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Mar 28, 2021 - 09:24 |
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Strange times afoot in the Southern Wastes. While rumours swirled that the NAF was bringing new rules that would outlaw elves from ever passing the ball, ban Chaos teams from sharpening their claws, and confusing anyone who tried to blitz, a team of imaginary rat men took advantage of the confusion to steal the silverware a second time from the teams that claimed they deserved it by virtue of existing. Even the All Star presentation was blighted by this, with the alternate Zombiepalooza event being touted as 'the place to see all the Star Players ... again!', although early reports from spectators suggest it was a broken down circus tent filled with zombies rather than anything skillful. Without even the usual ceremonial riot to start the proceedings, the All Stars were announced to a nearly empty village hall filled with geriatrics demanding to know when the bingo was going to start. To avoid further delay, here's the top eleven from this season:
Cheetah? Well, there's something that seems almost dishonest about rostering an AG5 elf who just jumps over the opposition without a care for the consequences. Averaging more than a TD per game, the agile catcher scored in every match this season until the imaginary ratmen got hold of him and pinched him til his nerves gave out. With the spotty chappy showing no signs of wanting to retire, he'll be sprinting to quite a few end zones next season, unless an accident of Torgan-like proportions befalls him. Every All Star claims to be team captain, but with more SPP earned this season than anyone else, Cheetah gets to boss everyone around.
Several of the greatest All Stars of all time have found their death sentences wrapped up in their final scroll. With both Salamoneous and Torgan Silvermead no longer with us, many other players have been worried, so we're happy to point to Big T as an example of an All Star that can't get killed. Because he's already dead. The beefy bovine with a big heart was a constant contributor to the Death Watch, right up until he got murderised in the last game of the season. Despite suffering more injuries than we can count, he slogged on, leaving a trail of bodies behind him that the twin Curses of the All Stars and the Death Watch inevitably followed. His penultimate season was in many ways even finer than his last, with the crazed cow the first to ever permakill an Underworld Troll, and he added to his tally of Big Guys this season with the second-ever Ogre fatality. While Big Boys Don't Block managed to come mid-division for casualties inflicted, nearly half were from Big T's massive horns, and so we're sure he'll be missed.
Many people saw Uncle Bogi's Mean Machine as just another ridiculous ploy by attention seeking Snotlings, but this clanking bunch of planks, nails and hydraulics astounded the All Star judges: not just the ability of this secret weapon to dodge the ref and stay on the pitch for 99 turns this season, but then to manage 66 blocks was stretching the belief system of many of our statistical goblins to breaking point. Leading the charge of the diminutive greenskins to the Conferences for the first time ever might be enough for most Pump Wagons, but this one doled out four serious injuries in his first season - is that where people get the phrase 'crying uncle'? Whatever. We predict tears in the near future for somebody or other.
Chaos Dwarf teams have long been known for their Sure-Footed heroes leading them to glory in the Southern Wastes. Almost as well known, and equally hated if not hatted, are the Sure-Footed Villains lagging behind the team and cleaning up the mess. Blin demonstrates all the sly ingenuity of this breed, by challenging the opposition’s players only when they are already eating turf, and often being comfortably sent off and safe from retribution long before the other team can get around his hard-hitting Blockers to exact revenge. If not as broadly talented and well paid as other recent Hobgob Super-Stars… erm, did I read that right?… in the All Stars line up, some unkind critics would point out he earns most of his money sat in the bin, cleaning the fresh stains from his endorsement laden boots.
No-one could ever replace the mighty Salamoneous, his end was the end of an era and almost certainly of THE Franchise player of the Styx! … well Cronus is certainly not wasting any Time... carving his own legacy into the fallen bodies of his foes. With a smashing display in Prem that almost broke all the opposition and near let his team slide to victory on a blood slicked field. Even when not breaking bodies he helped his plucky Underworld teammates to gang tackle the dwindling opposition, stunning and KOing many as well. So focussed was he on his intent for blood that he even threw the inflated spikey thing away on multiple occasions when he found himself holding it, instead going hunting other heads… sometimes his team mates even managed to catch it… One of the few triple-All Stars still in the league, even if he is a non-existent mutant ratman...
It takes an exceptionally hot-blooded reptile to cause as much carnage as a raging bull, but boy do we have the specimen for you! Crash Blind was a rampaging Juggernaut in Confs this season, throwing more Blocks than any other in the division and sending as many crashing, ahem, into the CAS bin as any other in the league! A brutal combatant as hard to pin down as he is to take a hit from, and well adept at Tackling the slippery opposition who may elude younger teammates. For good reason is he recognised as the most valuable player on his own team many times over. You don't have to have great vision cough... to recognise him as a rock hard addition to the All Stars front line.
The shiny star of Confs this season, best not to mention the Moon… David Kessler runs rings around the opposition to out score all contenders in the division! No stranger to delivering a mighty blow, a surprisingly meagre 3 CAS this season had pundits complaining “..all that whacking and he couldn’t get anyone off…â€. No, David proved he would not be typecast as a set of 'Mighty Claws', and instead stuck to the ball like a dog on a bone. Showing that you don’t need to be supernaturally agile or a bloody eyed terror to be an All Stars Wolf, as long as you’re a dodgey git with a lick of speed and a good handle on the balls...
For six seasons running there's been a spot on the all stars for a High Elf thrower. But in LXXXV there was much bravado from the Wood Elf team about theirs, and reviews found nothing dodgy about the service of Dodgy Service to pass Bravado their fourth conf title. Pickups in TZs after a leap-sack? Desperate clearing passes? Getting smashed by a big Lizard and not being there to pass the game saver? Yes, yes, yes! That is an SWL all-star passer for sure.
Action-packed season and often desperate measures with just a few left standing saw Dodgy being a near-constant sure-handed threat with 14 completions and solid yardage to get his speedy receivers into the clear.
Lime played out the whole prem season, every turn on the pitch giving it his all, and a solid 8 touchdowns in premier division is a grand total any season. Plenty of effort from the young pup went into in cage diving, pass plays, and just being an all-round excellent ball carrier, but it was simply not the season for Pugs to grab another title, too many results going the other way as the team fumbled around him. Still, that one magical surf against the Styx, which ultimately stopped the underworld winning prem, that alone is worth a place in the all stars.
They said that legends wouldn't exist in BB16, but again the SWL proves them wrong - this time with Daddles Damfino hitting the magic 176 SPP mark in his final game. Needing 6 point to achieve the gold standard in bloodbowl, Damfino not only scored twice, but did it in the final game of the season, ensuring a result against knine that saw the Lab Rats take their second title in 3 seasons. With 11 TDs and 200 rushing yards, he rides off into the sunset slowly (he is only movement 8 after all) with a majestic 45 TD career and his third All Star accolade.. What does season #86 hold for the Lab Rats? Lets see if Guzzla and Clackbox can keep the elysium intact enough to win season #86.
Most players head into retirement after an injury that causes a major stat decrease, but not Úlfar Úlfarson, Úlfar has often thought his -AG adds depth to his fearsome persona. With 9 casualties in season LXXXV, from just 42 blocks Úlfar gains a silver fist and an All Star scroll. He also leads the norsemen from Skelligen into the SWL Premier division in only their 3rd season, which is always an impressive feat. A spoiler alert for the fans as to what he has cooking, he's been quoted as attributing his results to hard work and soft elves (Original quote: I don't always herdy birdy flerpty floopin, but when I do I foomty shoopin bork bork bork). We're sure he'll be in the mix with casualties in season #86.
LXXV All Stars
Big T, Big Boys Don't Block
Crash Blind, Blood Crag Stripes
Uncle Bogi's Mean Machine, Uncle Bogi's Daycare
Cronus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Úlfar Úlfarson, Skelligen Spoilers
David Kessler, We'reWho!
Dodgy Service, Bravado
Cheetah, Speeeeed Killzzzz
Lime, Pugs Not Drugs
Daddles Damfino, Lab Rat Elysium
Blin, Crazy Beard Express
LXXXV Prem Stars
Cheetah, Speeeeed Killzzzz
Daddles Damfino, Lab Rat Elysium
Lime, Pugs Not Drugs
Hermes, Styx αnd Warpstones
Cronus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Boysenberry Swirl, Cold Rock
Fred Woodman, Amateur Professionals
David Kirk, Amateur Professionals
Dribl, Cold Rock
Rolf Stonewall, Blue Mountain Giants
Kirin Trollreaver, Blue Mountain Giants
LXXXV Conference Stars
David Kessler, We'reWho!
Flinga Favre, Flack Orc Flockers
Cah, Concussion Protocol
Murluk, Big Boys Don't Block
Big T, Big Boys Don't Block
Úlfar Úlfarson, Skelligen Spoilers
Crash Blind, Blood Crag Stripes
Dodgy Service, Bravado
Blin, Crazy Beard Express
Large Woodie, Bravado
Torduken, Bronzed Raiders
LXXXV Rising Stars
Aphelandra, Kuja Pirate
Numb Bat-Bat, Ouch in a Pouch
Ms. Ery, Necronomi Can Do!
Borfin Lightbeard, Katenburg Panthers
Hancock the Lion, Katenburg Panthers
Beau-reavement, Necronomi Can Do!
Uncle Bogi's Mean Machine, Uncle Bogi's Daycare
Sweat Pea, Kuja Pirate
Salome, Kuja Pirate
Boa Sandersonia, Kuja Pirate
Kronekig, Kantenburg Panthers
The SWL All Stars committee is a team effort dedicated to fluffmanship and the use of obscure statistics. This season's fluff was brought to you by a deranged Norseman from the Job Centre in Blackwater, a non existent giant rat, an elf and three goblins inside an overcoat. |
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Mar 12, 2021 - 02:54 |
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SWL Death Watch Season LXXXV Week Seven
After a long season with a short death count, the crowds have been growing restive, or at least we're blaming multiple Stu Wilsonings this week on that. Will it be enough to appease the rock throwing hordes in time for SWL LXXXVI?
Lumpsnookum, complained about a strange lump, got a fatal dose from The Evil Doctor. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.
Pulcinella, hit by Womangee. Elf Lineman, 7 SPP.
"No Womangee, no cry, as we say in the music business."
"... we do?"
Dull, came to an 'interesting' end when he was hit by a rock. Chaos Dwarf Blocker, 28 SPP.
Miriam Insa, gave Grumpy something to be happy about. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.
Ken Stewart, timed-out forever by Cronus. High Elf Lineman, 49 SPP.
Grain, ground to flour by a rock from the crowd. Undead Ghoul, 8 SPP.
Paul Bearer by name, in need of a pall bearer because of being twisted up by Pretzel. Chaos Beastman, 7 SPP.
Big T, got in a bunfight he couldn't survive against Semla. Chaos Minotaur, 106 SPP.
"Let's stop and light a (beef tallow) candle for Big T, the minotaur who didn't know when to stop.
Since LXXX, Big T averaged one serious injury per season, and alghouth two fractured legs and a groin strain couldn't stop him charging forward, you might have thought that fractured skull he suffered against Bender would have slowed him down. Instead, Big T was well on the way to legendary status, and he still is - just as the first Chaos Minotaur to die in the modern SWL era. He just burned too bright for the Curse of the Death Watch to ignore, having murdered everything from a halfling up to an Ogre, maybe it's best that he has a rest."
"Well, you say that, Jim, but what about next week's Zombiepalooza?"
Syrien, never coming back from the horror show of Wilhelm 'The Wolf Man' Cheney. Dark Elf Lineman, 16 SPP.
Graklak Ghouleater, scorched by Ma'ar Darkflame. Orc Goblin, 0 SPP.
We're busy getting ready for the end of season prize giving, but in the meantime, check out the most recent evidence for the Curse of the Death Watch:
Cheetah, 1 kill. Pinched Nerve
Dull, 1 kill. Dead
Pirithous, 1 kill. Smashed Collar Bone
Banana Split, 1 kill. Smashed Hand
Kit Kat, 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Big T, 7 kills. Dead
Sammael Dreadblade, 2 kills. Fractured Skull
 Impak, 7 kills. Fractured Leg
(Note the last one wasn't actually the curse, it was just Impak wanting to take the game off after a long season, and throwing in the towel after the first turn of the match. Shame on the big green guy!) |
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ramchop
Joined: Oct 12, 2013
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The SWL LXXXV Team Achievements
Regional:
Turns (1239): Uncle Bogi's Daycare
Completions (20): Kuja Pirate
TDs (12): Kuja Pirate
Cas (22): Kantenburg Panthers
SPP (119): Kuja Pirate
Passing yards (34): Sprinting Sprites
Rushing yards (232): Kuja Pirate
Blocks (326): Kuja Pirate
Fouls (34): Uncle Bogi's Daycare
Blocks/Cas (10.0): Kantenburg Panthers
Pass/Cp (4.3): Sprinting Sprites
Kills (5): Kantenburg Panthers
Conferences:
Turns (1132): Cult of the Firedrake
Completions (18): Bravado
TDs (14): Druchii Dynasty and Crazy Beard Express
Cas (31): Redgum's Repugnance
SPP (120): Cult of the Firedrake
Passing yards (76): Bravado
Rushing yards (310): Flack Ork Flockers
Blocks (349): Blood Crag Stripes
Fouls (37): Bony Boyz
Blocks/Cas (10.6): Blackwater Cockfighters
Pass/Cp (9.3): Blackwater Cockfighters
Kills (5): Skelligen Spoilers and Redgum's Repugnance
Premier:
Turns (1155): Blue Mountain Giants
Completions (21): Amateur Professionals
TDs (17): Lab Rat Elysium
Cas (26): Blue Mountain Giants
SPP (124): Styx αnd Warpstones
Passing yards (39): Amateur Professionals
Rushing yards (289): Lab Rat Elysium
Blocks (367): Cold Rock
Fouls (24): Styx αnd Warpstones
Blocks/Cas (10.0): Styx αnd Warpstones
Pass/Cp (7.3): Lab Rat Elysium
Kills (4): Styx αnd Warpstones
 The Unofficial Maester Whippy Dean Douglas Sundae
Big T (Big Boys Don't Block) 22 spp
The SWL Season LXXXV Awards
Regional:
  Aphelandra (Kuja Pirate) 7 TDs
  Hancock the Lion (Kantenburg Panthers) 7 cas
  Boa Sandersonia (Kuja Pirate) 110 turns
 Aphelandra (Kuja Pirate) 118 rushing yards
  Sweat Pea (Kuja Pirate) 16 pass yards
  Salome (Kuja Pirate) 4 fouls
 Uncle Bogi's Mean Machine (Uncle Bogi's Daycare) 66 blocks
 Sweat Pea (Kuja Pirate) 11 cps
 Thyla the Unseen (Ouch in a Pouch) 4.34 block/cas
 Finuba Niro (Sprinting Sprites) 2.2 pass/cp
 Aphelandra (Kuja Pirate) 24 SPP
Conferences:
 David Kessler (We'reWho!) 9 TDs
 Crash Blind (Blood Crag Stripes) & Big T (Big Boys Don't Block) 11 cas
  Flinga Favre (Flack Ork Flockers) 115 turns
 Flinga Favre (Flack Ork Flockers) 238 rushing yards
  Dodgy Service (Bravado) 63 pass yards
 Blin (Crazy Beard Express) 23 fouls
 Crash Blind (Blood Crag Stripes) 75 blocks
 Dodgy Service (Bravado) 14 cps
  Úlfar Úlfarson (Skelligen Spoilers) 4.67 block/cas
 Stuart, the End Level Guy (Blackwater Cockfighters) 9.34 pass/cp
 David Kessler (We'reWho!) 33 SPP
Premier:
 Cheetah (Speeeeed Killzzzz) 12 TDs
 Cronus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 10 cas
 Lime (Pugs Not Drugs) 114 turns
 Daddles Damfino (Lab Rat Elysium) 200 rushing yards
 Khangor (More Food for Thawt) 25 pass yards
  Dribl (Cold Rock) 6 fouls
 Boysenberry Swirl (Cold Rock) 91 blocks
  David Kirk (Amateur Professionals) 12 cps
 Harad Kingsmead (Blue Mountain Giants) 6.17 block/cas
 Khangor (More Food for Thawt) 4.17 pass/cp
 Cheetah (Speeeeed Killzzzz) 39 SPP |
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Mar 04, 2021 - 01:24 |
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SWL Death Watch Season LXXXV Week 6
"Another quiet week, eh Bob?"
"That's right - do you think they're saving up for a last ditch week seven fatality fiesta?"
"We can but hope so...
Starfighter Jr, shot down in flames by Strukaych Bitterfall. High Elf Catcher, 1 SPP.
"The name sounds familiar, Jim..."
"That's because you're thinking of Starfighter, who had his skull cracked by the boots of Black Beard Blythe last season. At least he carried on for a bit rather than giving up like Junior did."
"That's the trouble with kids these days... No sticking power."
"Unfair, Bob. There's bits of Starfighter Jr stuck everywhere!"
War-Failin Nu-k, failing to get up after a hit by Eddar Hearthfire. *Skaven Lineman, 7 SPP.
Mariah Weldig, encountered the dangerous animal know as Hancock the Lion. Snotling, 0 SPP.
"Well, digging weldig's grave is going to be quick, she's only a snotling..."
Wadmooglie, smells even worse than Yez The Smelly. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.
 Burrullah, nothing but a bunch of dirty bandages after a serpentine slapping by Mobad Duindudr. Khemri Tomb Guardian, 33 SPP.
Rilore Zunneh, stymied by Styrmir Niállson. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.
"And Rilore had such a great career ahead of him too..."
"Yes. But that was while he was an elf and hadn't caught Nurgle's Rot..."
Geirólfr Vilgeirrson, caught by Contagion. Norse Lineman, 12 SPP.
"Hang on, don't you catch a contagion and not get caught by it?"
"In the topsy-turvy world of Norsemen with names that are hard to type, who knows what the rules are?"
 Þorviðr Þrándrson, had an arm and a leg fall off after being hit by Gangrene Greg. Norse Runner, 23 SPP.
"Runner? Rotter more like!"
 Concaline Hunter, hit by Henry Corydar. Vampire Thrall, 6 SPP.
"I've heard of being stuck in a corridor but this is the first time we've seen a corydar get stuck in."
"Bob, are you feeling ok?"
"I will do after we've looked at the Curse of the Death Watch - seems like nothing's happening this season!"
"Quality not quantity, Bob. This is the season we got Torgan Silvermead, after all..."
Curse of the Death Watch
Pongy Baconbreath, 1 kill. Broken Jaw
Grot Bomma, 1 kill. Groin Strain
 Styrmir Niállson, 1 kill. Damaged Back
"Well, that was a damper squib than most of the fireballs the wizards in this league fire. Maybe looking at the list of injured players this week will lift your spirits, Bob:"
  
And not so much as a scratch on any of these players:
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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| Posted:
Feb 23, 2021 - 19:53 |
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SWL Death Watch Season LXXXV Week Five
"Another quiet week in the Southern Wastes, punctuated by the shouting of crowds and the occasional snapping of a femur here and there. Brace yourselves for a quick burst of brutality:"
Helena, the Mixologist, crushed by Big T. Norse Lineman, 0 SPP.
"They're shaking her, but she's not stirring..."
Dan Eliasson, smashed by Crash Blind. Dark Elf Lineman, 6 SPP.
"Eliasson is gone gone gone. That was a great match for anyone who likes death, injury, and elfball. All that was missing was a few Stu Wilsons...
 Cracker, broken into a thousand tiny pieces by Moose Tracks. Necromantic Wight, 42 SPP.
"Question is, would you kick Moose Tracks out of bed for eating crackers?"
"Bob, I don't think it's wise to sleep next to a giant lizard, whether it's getting crumbs everywhere or not."
You again? Award
(), buttered by Croissant. Ogre Ogre, 0 SPP.
"Sorry to see a player with as storied a history as () die."
"History?"
"That's the ninth time that () has died on the pitch, as an orc, a yeti, a halfling, a chorf, a beastman, a norseman, a giant rat and another orc. He must have a sponsorship deal from a necromantic fancy dress shop."
Herbad Shrin, hit by Giles. Lizardman Skink, 0 SPP.
"So Shrin the Skink had to shrink?
You again? Again? Award
Giles, turned into piles (of filth) by Mobad Namimdigr. Nurgle Rotter, 2 SPP.
"Glorious to see the Curse of the Death Watch operating in record time today. Giles was well on the way to relearning all the skills he used to have as a thrower in his past life, starting with that hit on a Skink.
Pustule, burst by Mobad Duindudr. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.
[i]"How do you say that lizard's name again?"
"Doing doo Doctor, right?"
"Well he did do doctoring on Pustule's doo-doo, that's for sure!"
"Can you say that three times fast?"
"Why on earth would I want to?"
This week's Star Prize
Vilgorgun, vile and gone, more like, after a hit by Sammael Dreadblade. Elf Catcher, 92 SPP.
"I'm reading her bio... It says here 'She is a real all rounder'"
"Yeah, spread all round the pitch, they meant!"
"Well, I'm sure she'll make some coach happy in the Graveyard Shift in a few weeks - who wouldn't want a blodge sidestep Guard zombie?"
"... I think the Harlequins might prefer a blodge sidestep Guard elf..."
With another short week of fatal injuries, let's check up on the Curse of the Death Watch, then see if the queue for the apothecary has got any longer or not...
Cracker, Blocked, 1 kill. Dead
Tyzusk The Wreckage, Blocked, 4 kills. Damaged Back
On Second Thawt, Blocked, 7 kills. Broken Neck
Úlfar Úlfarson, Fouled, 1 kill. Broken Neck
Felix, Hit by a rock, 1 kill. Fractured Arm
Giles, Blocked, 1 kill. Dead
Wow. A first serious injury for the big cow. Everyone will be happy to hear he'll be back and ready for the end of the season celebration. We're hoping he can get to 10 kills by the time the season is up!
And if you're looking for something to prioritise, here's the remaining players that haven't died since SWL LXXI:
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Feb 19, 2021 - 05:51 |
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SWL Death Watch Season LXXXV Week Four
"Welcome back, one and all, to another week of massive death and destruction, no-longer-live from the Southern Wastes! Here in the studio we have Jim and Bob, and a veritable smorgasbord of smashed up players for you to laugh and cry over. Once they were glorious, soon they'll just be humus!"
"I thought they made that out of chickpeas."
"Bob, don't ruin my flow! We've got a lot of high class players to get through tonight, starting with..."
Goldberg, returned to the gold standard by Pongy Baconbroth. Chaos Beastman, 0 SPP.
"Jim, I'm not sure that a rookie Beastman is the kind of high class player our viewers are waiting to laugh at."
"Never mind, Bob, because next we have -"
Bracs, in a state of collapse after tripping over his own shoelaces. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.
"Well ok, the first two aren't that impressive, but the next thing in the box is -"
Zasku, totally askew after landing in the pitch. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.
"So far this week's grand haul has been a total of 2 SPP. Pretty good going for three bodies. Where's the beef, Jim?"
John Drake, we thought he sounded like a duck but he croaked on a mouthful of Viennetta. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
That's it, Jim. We've already had Rookie week, we don't need some elves with obviously made up names to go alongside all these other inexperienced players. Can you hurry up and find a good looking corpse?"
"Settle down Bob, the next one is a right cracker, it's:"
Nut height Neddy, cut down to size by Beau-reavement. Snotling, 3 SPP.
"What does that even mean, Jim? You can hardly be 'cut down to size' if you're not taller than a midget Halfling to begin with. And if you think that a snotling whose second biggest achievement was to once score a touchdown is worth tuning in for, then you've got another thing coming. What happened to the days when it meant something to appear on the Death Watch?"
"Well...."
"Hang on, what's that sound? Why is there confetti falling from the ceiling?"
"I don't know Bob - it sounds like -"
DEATH OF THE WEEK
" Torgan Silvermead, timed out by Cronus. Dwarf Runner, 223 SPP.
"The unkillable Torgan, dead? And it was only last week I was reading in the Retchrospective: 'The Giants haven't lost a runner yet'."
"I guess it was time to start."
"Well, he never made it to a mile of rushing. But that little bearded bloke was Mr Consistency: all star in 78, 81, 83, 84."
"He skipped a beat here and there when it came to the All-Stars - a bit like his heart."
"Well, he may have died, but at least his team triumphed - it's like when Salamoneus died, it was a pyrrhic victory, but a victory nonetheless."
"Er, did you see the match? The Giants went down 2-0..."
"Oh. That's a pyrrhic defeat, I guess..."
CONSOLATION PRIZE OF THE WEEK
Hegetoria, knocked through a hedge by Kirin Trollreaver. Underworld Goblin , 7 SPP.
"You know, somehow a single sneaky git doesn't seem quite a fair exchange for the most agile dwarf in the league..."
Mhuomu, went surfing. Chaos Dwarf Hobgoblin, 0 SPP.
"I see we're back to the deep end of the talent pool again, then?"
Sordid, sent too far son, by Úlfar Úlfarson. Human Blitzer, 13 SPP.
"Sordid by name, died being blocked by a Norseman wearing a mankini and two nipple rings."
"What's so sordid about that? You've just described a Friday night in Trondheim."
"My point exactly!"
Parting was such sweet Sorrow gave up on Blood Bowl for a career surfing. Human Lineman, 16 SPP.
"Now Sorrow is somebody I feel sad about."
Now we've got the Curse of the Death Watch to review, and a big list of damaged players, but hang around for some big big news at the end!
Dudette Love, 2 kills. Broken Jaw
Corpse, 1 kill. Smashed Hip
Sordid, 1 kill. Dead
 
GRAVEYARD SHIFT
The end of an era in the Southern Wastes is fast approaching, but before the new rules begin, Underworld Armour and Orcidas have agreed to sponsor some expert Necromancers to resurrect all your favourite players who've died since SWL LXX!, for an exhibition tournament. The draft will be opening up just as soon as we have three more weeks of dead players, and then get ready for some of the greatest zombies ever to walk on the pitch. Wait for more news on the draft, coming next week! |
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Feb 10, 2021 - 08:10 |
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SWL Death Watch Season LXXXV Week Three
"Rushing towards the middle of what might be the final season under the current rules, we've had a disappointing start to the season, but it's starting to warm up there."
You're not as tall as we expected department
Gruff Wobbleboard, less than daft after a hit from Faft. Chaos Chaos Warrior, 5 SPP.
Kiroth Krakeneye, weeping blood from both eyes by Bloof. Chaos Beastman, 7 SPP.
"Isn't 'bloof' the sound that ersatz elf made when he hit the pitch?"
Condir Steelhearth, went surfing, never came back. Dwarf Blocker, 0 SPP.
Albert Dirtybrook, cleaned up by Kili Fireforge. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
Ug, turned into a slug by Baguette. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.
"Takes me back to my days in Bretonnia. Eating a crusty bit of bread, using an onion so I could pretend I was crying about a dead snotling..."
Juan Bredin, debreaded by Breadstick. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.
"Bredin, bread out. There's nothing as glamourous as a skeleton fouling a journeyman snotling to death, is there?"
Rob Zombie, completely cured by The Evil Doctor. Necromantic Zombie, 0 SPP.
"There's no place for 90's heavy metal in a serious sport like this, Jim."
"Well, there's one zombie-shaped hole in the We'reWho! line up that will fit, Bob..."
 Red Clawpuncher, red by name, dead by nature after a hit by Kronekig. Skaven Rat Ogre, 8 SPP.
Paddy Melonmuncher, nothing much a lot of squashed red flesh and a mess of juice after being hit by Calvin Hammerman. Skaven Gutter Runner, 1 SPP.
Bilby Bob Thornton, talking funny, walking funny after running into Kronekig. Skaven Lineman, 4 SPP.
Tessa Toe-snack, blown up by Grot Bomma. Snotling, 0 SPP.
"One for gifmas - that bomb bounced around like a hot potato until it landed on Tessa's head."
Zachary Palerock, white as a sheet after being run over by Uncle Bogi's Mean Machine. Elf Lineman, 1 SPP.
Karak Sepulchre, proving he had the most appropriate name of the week by Julius Strongorc. Wood Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
Bind Soul, straight into a hole, not able to do even a single drool after the sleazy tentacles of Withergrasp Doubledrool got a grip of him. Lizardman Skink, 66 SPP.
"That's the first time a Star Player has killed anyone since Max Spleenripper sawed up a hobgoblin last season."
Fil A Frog, shortly to be filling a bog instead after a hit by Marrakhi Daemonfire. Orc Lineman, 12 SPP.
Fony, skinny and bony from working on the Thardrakk Coalface. Orc Lineman, 7 SPP.
Curse of the Death Watch
Lemon, 2 kills. Broken Jaw
Ferrari, kill. Broken Neck
Bombina Orientalis III, 1 kill. Broken Neck
Snow Scare, 1 kill. Gouged Eye
 Darth Vader, 1 kill. Fractured Leg
Bhar'kh, 1 kill. Pinched Nerve
Raklah, 1 kill. Fractured Skull
Omelette Watch
The Really Fat Alternate Farts and Concession Proctologist delivered us 7 this week, but with only 2 deaths and a bunch of MNGs, we could do a lot better... OK, let's just line up the broken bodies and then get ready for next week
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Feb 02, 2021 - 19:34 |
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SWL Death Watch LXXXV Week Two - Rookiepalooza!
Welcome back to another fun packed installment of the show that all the cool kids are calling Shizzle Wizzle Lizzle Dizzle Wizzle! Yes, it's the return of the show that nobody returns from - the Death Watch!
Evander Hoteagle, no chuckles about the marathon of pain inflicted by Snickers. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
Rilore Zunneh, Block by Loathing. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
George Dirtybone, cleaned up, chewed up and spat out by Hancock the Lion. Vampire Thrall, 0 SPP.
"Impressively, Dirtybone's career ended without playing a single turn. Did he ever really exist?"
Sail Glass, shattered into a million tiny pieces by Raklah. Lizardman Skink, 0 SPP.
"Speaking of natural one turners, Raklah came on, put his boot into Sail Glass, and then left immediately afterwards. We call that a 100% success rate."
Arob Elfstealer, died flying into the pitch. Orc Goblin, 0 SPP.
"In the new rules, would that have meant casualty SPP for Happy Dancer?"
Glush Skeletonsmasher, had a smashing time surfing, never came back. Orc Goblin, 0 SPP.
Gene, reduced to nothing but DNA by the fearsomely hard to pronounce Þorgautr Ãnison. Human Blitzer, 5 SPP.
Richard Deephawk, sent deep deep underground by Harad Kingsmead. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
Freddy Fast Fingers, sliced up by Queen of Blades. Orc Goblin , 4 SPP.
"I've always said you should watch your fingers around blades, Jim!"
Spot the difference section
Darkwind K'sheyna, blown into a small pine casket by Large Woodie. Dark Elf Blitzer, 6 SPP.
Alytes Obstetricans IIII, needs a mortician, not an obstetrician after failing to jump over his own shoelaces. Slann Blitzer, 19 SPP.
"Hmm. It's just like those arrogant dark elves and frogs to crash Rookie Week. For shame! For shame!"
"Hopefully other players come to give us the benefit of their experience next week. Until then, here's the Curse of the Death Watch report. Which is also suspiciously short..."
Prince Moranian, 1 kill. Smashed Collar Bone
Wargut The Savage, 1 kill. Fractured Skull |
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MrCushtie
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
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Jan 26, 2021 - 05:43 |
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SWL Death Watch LXXXV Week One
"Weak one? Too right it's weak! Where's all the death?"
"Now now, Bob. You can't start every season with 21 deaths."
"Why not?"
"Well, we'd run out of players, for a start. Just be thankful for what you have got."
"And what's that?"
"Well, a reasonably sized pile of bodies for the first week of the season..."
Most appropriate death of the week
Time, clocked out forever by Cronus. High Elf Thrower, 10 SPP.
"When the big hand points to the pointy ear ... it's death o'clock!"
"Er... where did you learn to tell the time, Bob?"
Camaro Jr, in need of a tune-up after a block by Cronus. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Bang! That's a strong one-two by Cronus! Doubling his kills already compared to last season, and justifying his All Star scroll."
"Yep. Feeling better now, Bob?"
"Certainly am. Good to see some proper violence on the pitch again!"
Prug, didn't like the taste of Amanita Nightshade. Ogre Snotling, 3 SPP.
"Ahem. Once again, Blood Bowl proves the little guy has a chance to ..."
"Die?"
"Yep."
Eddar Hearthfire, looking like a bulldog sucking a Lemon. Dwarf Blocker, 16 SPP.
"Isn't it a bulldog chewing a wasp, Bob?"
"Whatever your idiom is, I think you'll find it's dire for Hearthfire!"
Albert Anderson, made to go by Sure-Fire Glo. High Elf Lineman, 31 SPP.
"There you are, Jim. I was saying all of last season that we can't have these joke names ruined the solemnity of the Beautiful Game."
"Why are you talking about bar billiards?"
"No, Armorical Football! What sort of name is Albert Anderson?"
"Er ... wasn't he a designer of flatpack Norse furniture?"
Woogleface, defaced by Big T. Ogre Snotling, 3 SPP.
"That's two little guys killed in one week. It's pretty bad when you can't be half the strength of a goblin and not make it to the end of the match without a monster picking on you."
"Does this one make you feel life's better, then?"
Klorg, blocked by Big T. Ogre Ogre, 0 SPP.
"Well, I'm a bit happier, Jim, but it's not like anything rhymes with 'Klorg'."
"Smorg?"
"uh?"
"-asbord of death, Bob! Ahahahahaha."
"Is that why I write the jokes?"
"You can write?"
Giles, reduced to piles (of rotten meat) by Detestation. Human Thrower, 51 SPP.
"The biggest hit of the week, we'll be bidding a fond farewell to Giles."
"I'm sure we'll see him again soon. Redgum's lost two rotters per season."
"Why doesn't he just sniff them out?"
Lucian James, consigned to the flames by Matthew Jude. Old World Alliance Lineman, 0 SPP.
"You see, Jim! This is what happens! We let those 'Professionals' put some joke names on their roster, and now the whole Regionals is full of it. Disgraceful!"
"Relax, Bob. I'm sure nobody is giving themselves a stupid name and then refusing the apothecary just to annoy you."
"I wouldn't put it past them..."
Genorat Ruatomin, went surfing, lost at sea. Elf Catcher, 19 SPP.
"..."
"Oh, now what, Bob? First you complain about humans with stupid names, now you can't think of anything to say about an elf with an unpronounceable name? Are you ever satisfied?"
"Yes, Jim."
"When?"
"When I get to read out the Curse of the Death Watch."
"Why did I even ask?"
CURSE OF THE DEATH WATCH
Tyzusk The Wreckage, 4 kills. Smashed Knee
Golem Pokémon, 2 kills. Smashed Hip
Wilford B. Wolf, 1 kill. Smashed Hip
 Borrl, 2 kills. Smashed Hip
Giles, 1 kill. Dead
Felix, 1 kill. Gouged Eye
This week, the Curse mostly likes players walking funny. What do you think it will do next week?
Omelette Watch
One big punch up this week, between two Premiership winners. Only five serious injuries, but what do we call that? A good start!
And, as we bid farewell to an uncharacteristically splenetic Bob this week, cast your eyes over this mass of bust and broken players:
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Wozzaa
Joined: Apr 23, 2016
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Jan 24, 2021 - 19:08 |
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The Harlequins had a brief and disappointing stint in the Southern Wastes League Premier Division. Despite finishing bottom, they received large amounts of funds from Channel BB.
The management team decided that if they were to be successful in SWL in the future, they needed a stadium. The players, most of whom had left their previous lives and discarded their elven heritage, donning the Harlequin mask to hide their identity, were anxious about being chained to one place for too long.
A compromise was reached.
A super top was built, and the Harlequins rebranded.
So come one, come all. Be dazzled by amazing feats of agility. Be amazed as the players speed past. Be thrilled as the ball flies through the air.
Welcome to the Harlequin Circus. |
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ramchop
Joined: Oct 12, 2013
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This season's All Star presentation was a calm affair, compared to the last three seasons, beset with snakemen, rioting imaginary ratmen and foul goblins. The warpstone-fuelled prognosticators of Clan Betfarrr had apparently lost all Skavenblight's monetary reserves on an ill-fated wager that the Lab Rat Elysium would repeat their Premiership win, and as a result sewer-funded discontent was at an all time low.
Celebrating the season of niceness, Socrates and Pinkeye Growthspurt delivered a commemorative bouquet to the Amateur Professionals, on behalf of the rest of the league. Some kind of miscommunication meant the bouquet consisted entirely of rotten fruit and wilted flowers, and a large rock inscribed with the words "Stu Wilson", hastily painted over with a scrawl that appears to read "Frod Weedman".
An All Star presentation wouldn't be complete without some kind of massive hullabaloo, and reliably the celebrations eventually deteriorated into a mob of Nurgle and Chaos players shouting at the elves about how they'd better learn to hit and forget about passing the ball around the backfill, while the pointy eared ones jeered back that nobody's claws were looking sharp any more. The town guard broke things up at eleven, players retiring for a night in the cells.
 All-Stars Season LXXXIV
More Food For Thawt has won their second silver trophy in Tinkerbell conference, and On Second Thawt was clearly the driving force behind the wins. Seen chewing on Ogres (and cleaning his teeth with snotlings), Elves, Orcs, Dwarfs, and even tried a couple Tomb Guardians before spitting them out for being so dusty. He took a few hits and some boots along the way, but kept on getting up and into the thick of it, tying up threats to his team, holding onto players trying to score, and almost always giving the squad a numbers advantage along the way. Sure, the rest of his team is agile enough to throw around winning passes, but he's the player getting them the ball and the space to work with it, and the fearsome casualty count along the way confirms that no-fear full contact play from him. What a monster.
Staunch by name, staunch by nature, the short legged stunty with a heart of bronze didn't miss a game all season, while making three other players fail to lace up their boots the week they met him. A 37.5% serious injury:casualty ratio meant the big fisted little lad is the kind of person you don't want to bump into (or trip over) in a dark alleyway. This top-hatted terroriser of the Premiership lines up on the line of scrimmage for the All Stars despite the Crazy Beard Express getting a ticket for the Conferences this year - will he be driving the pain train back into the Premiership for season LXXXVI?
Reputedly stinkier than any of the Bloaters in the Southern Wastes, Yez The Smelly has the 'aroma of greatness' according to the All Stars selection committee. We dread to think what that means, but Yez's rank stench is probably body odour generated by exerting himself so hard. You don't score as many touchdowns as the fragrant fella without working up a bit of a sweat, and leading the Regionals with 141 yards of rushing, this big-hearted Bony Boy was an obvious choice for a scroll.
Coming into this season, the Dynasty's blitzer, Mornelith Falconbane, had been tipped for an scroll, but a combination of him dying, and then retrospectively banned for clearly being an ogre with some pointy ears glued on, left a gap for a Dark Elf to take a place in the All Stars. And who better than Kindra Voidrunner, angriest lady in the Southern Wastes at the moment (that's saying something, with two teams of Amazons rampaging around)? Ms Voidrunner collected the most SPP of any player in the Premiership this season, mostly by hurting people. We heard she prefers a hit below the belt (players with fractured legs, a smashed knee and season tickets to the cemetery will attest) but when we tried to confirm it with her, she threatened us with 'the Naggarond Groin Strain' so that will remain unconfirmed.
Ninety-five games in, Impak is now the Grand Old Orc of the All Stars, a wise and respected fellow that the other ten players look up to, and certainly don't jeer at him for being a punch-drunk lump who likes to thump. Despite innumerable rewards, Impak doesn't believe in shouting about his biography, instead keeping his achievements quiet, letting his reputation speak for him. That, or his mouth has been wired shut. In addition to exemplary ball carrying skills, Impak still likes hurting people, and doesn't discriminate between the small (Wuddleschmoopie's leg), the medium sized (Torduken), or the very big (Kurgowallah, Impak's seventh kill of his glittering career). The question now is whether Impak can hold on to usurp François Englert's record for most SPP in the SWL ever, or if there's an orc-shaped burn mark on the pitch from a fireball in the very near future...
Cronus is a talent to fear in the SWL, devouring his opponents with 12 blocks per game average, he developed horns midway into the season to make his team unbeatable. Player removal turn after turn opening the smallest of gaps at any angle for fellow all-star Aeneus to finish with another score, and he proved more than capable of scoring on his own whenever the need arose. A couple of frogs to pad the stats along the way, but not every player can so calmly gobble up the wee ones as Cronus.
A third all-star scroll for Dave Loveridge hot on the heels of his second. We'd tipped him for trouble when he met the Dynasty's AG5 ogre last season, but a vicious lizard put an end to the threat for Loveridge, leaving him free to sling balls with further aplomb as the Professionals romped to their first Premiership title. Just as last season, Loveridge threw the ball 17 times, although the reduced yardage compared to last season made naysayers suggest that strong arm is withering a little. Was that criticism too much for the pointy-eared egomaniac to bear, forcing him to retire from the game? Whatever - after a valedictory All Star appearance, the elf with a silly name wanders off to a well-deserved retirement, viewing his stack of twahnlows.
Another double-All Star, Daddles Damfino might have one hip made of warpstone and barbed wire, but both his feet are golden, demonstrated by his superlative sprinting in all the games he managed to make it to the pitch. It's quite possible he didn't bother turning up for the Lab Rat's final game of the season because he knew he'd already rushed more yards and scored more TDs than any other player in the Premiership. Despite this selfishness probably contributing to the rats failing to retain the Premiership title, he's been allowed to remain in the squad (and in the All Stars) - possibly a dangerous example for other rats who may also believe they will always have a place on the roster.
Aeneus had another amazing season in conferences, building on his famed foundations to carry the team, growing an extra head and getting a sprint to his step to let him waltz through the smallest gaps the long way 'round, and even took a good few hits protecting his team's position along the way. Gutter runners come and go, but when there's only one on the team, you can back them to score a good few and Aeneus did not disappoint with a near-record thirteen!
Clocking up 220 rushing yards this season, Torgan Silvermead has occasionally been compared to the dark elf sprinter, F'rrest G'mp. But although in his own famous words, G'mp "ran and ran and then one day I stopped", the curiously agile Silvermead shows no signs of slowing down. Any normal player might consider putting their feet up after running more than 1000 yards in their career, but Torgan clearly has his sights set on reaching a mile of rushing before retiring. Or possibly getting gangfouled to death if he ever trips up.
We know chorfs love bronze, but they were probably still very happy with the pair of golden boots that Blin brought home this season. Although yet to cause a serious injury this year, and thus missing the watchful eye of the Death Watch scribes, Blin did an astonishing 27 fouls in the first 7 games of his career - that's 3.86 fouls per game. Still, Pinkeye, Arethusa and Tebec can all tell the foul hobgoblin that the All Stars have big boots to fill - will he make it through another season alive, or will it be the bin for Blin in SWL LXXXV?
LXXXIV All Stars
On Second Thawt, More Food for Thawt
Staunch, Crazy Beard Express
Yez The Smelly, Bony Boyz
Kindra Voidrunner, Druchii Dynasty
Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins
Cronus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Dave Loveridge, Amateur Professionals
Daddles Damfino, Lab Rat Elysium
Aeneas, Styx αnd Warpstones
Torgan Silvermead, Blue Mountain Giants
Blin, Crazy Beard Express
LXXXIV Prem Stars
Kindra Voidrunner, Druchii Dynasty
Daddles Damfino, Lab Rat Elysium
Felix, Federated Fowlers
Waffle, Cold Rock
Dave Loveridge, Amateur Professionals
Staunch, Crazy Beard Express
Fred Woodman, Amateur Professionals
Boysenberry Swirl, Cold Rock
Blin, Crazy Beard Express
Dastur Tirnirmulfr, Cult of the Firedrake
Vilgorgun, Hаrlequins
LXXXIV Conference Stars
Aeneas, Styx αnd Warpstones
Torgan Silvermead, Blue Mountain Giants
Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins
Murlurk, Big Boys Don't Block
Time, Speeeeed Killzzzz
On Second Thawt, More Food for Thawt
Khograkh Bronzeheart, Bronzed Raiders
Cronus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Tebec, Didgeridead
Lollipop, Pugs Not Drugs
Crash Blind, Blood Crag Stripes
LXXXIV Rising Stars
Yez The Smelly, Bony Boyz
Shokupan, Bun Dead
Ráðormr Jófreiðrson, Skelligen Spoilers
Hurien the Shade, Spite and Malice
Allan Langer, Aspley Boncos
Semla, Bun Dead
Petero Civoniceva, Aspley Boncos
Sammael Dreadblade, Spite and Malice
Talion, Mutated Alliance
Wargut The Savage, Bony Boyz
Galti Ãsgeirrson, Skelligen Spoilers
Note: The All Stars committee is a group effort. Currently numbering 6 members who played a part in the selection and (all MrC) fluffmanship. |
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