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DrDeath



Joined: Mar 27, 2011

Post   Posted: Jul 12, 2019 - 16:24 Reply with quote Back to top

How to kick a Bloodthirster in the knackers. A CabalVision interview with Yoshitoshi of the Haikido Ronin (https://fumbbl.com/FUMBBL.php?page=match&id=4076378):

Bob: Ladies and Mentalmen, we are proud to give you an exclusive interview with lineman, demon-hunter and -molester Yoshtitoshi, the first player ever to boot a Bloodthirster in BOTH testicles and live to tell the tale! Heck, I don't think anyone has ever managed that on the battlefield either! Yoshi, welcome!

Yoshi, following this performance folk are saying you are a nailed-on favourite for the Dirty Player of the Year award (Yoshi beams), and also the Nuffle's Chosen award for being unbelievable lucky in only your second game (Yoshi frowns). How did you manage it?

Yoshi: Thank you but it really has nothing do with luck! Kicking demons in the knackers is an art form which takes many years of practice. I have been molesting demons for years, starting with nurglings and wet wipes as a kid. People just aren't aware of the many years of dedication required.

Bob: Ok, well let's take if from that first juicy foul, how did you stick Death the Bloodthirster into the Badly Hurt box?

Yoshi: Well Bob, the key to taking down a Bloodthirster is the right testicle. You see all Bloodthirsters are right-handed, and that means when they are on the turf they will be lying on their right side. So if you take a good swing you can trap the right testicle against the thigh to cause maximum damage. I also always screw IKillYEA 3" spikes into my boots - available for just 2 gold pieces each folks from all good sports retailers - and I also anoint them with holy water before each game just for good measure, to make it really smart. You can't be too careful with Bloodthirsters. 3" is important too - you need a spike long enough to penetrate the testicle's own spiky covering and get maximum penetration as well as the crushing impact.

Bob: So the big guy is carted off to the Badly Hurt box, howling in pain. Were you disappointed to see him regenerate so quickly? Some fans said you seemed to start shivering and glancing towards the sideline quite a bit?

Yoshi: Yes, well I thought I had him the first time, I mean that little feller looked pretty red and angry. But then Bloodthirsters are pretty red and angry all the time.

Bob: So the Ronin equalise, you all return to the pitch for a last kickoff, and somehow your teammates put him down again. So why did you boot him in the left testicle this time? Showboating?

Yoshi: No, no. I did hear the coach yelling from the sidelines to boot him in the left one this time, but for my part it was unintentional. Dr Death may call the shots on plays but, to be fair, when it comes to molesting large fiery demons he's a total amateur. I'm your man there! No, I was aiming for the right one but unfortunately due to the big fella still twitching and whimpering a bit from the first stamping, I missed by millimetres and gashed the left one instead. Always go for the right. You can't be too careful with Bloodthirsters!

Bob: So now Death the Bloodthirster is really mad (if he can get any madder?), and getting up off the turf to end you, but instead he miraculously slips while making a wild swing and falls to the turf again! How did you manage that?

Yoshi (beaming): Well, I can also block a bit you know!

Bob (dubious): Really? You seemed to be shaking all over at this point. Some fans are saying that one of the brute's hooves slipped in a puddle of yellowish liquid in front of you. Did you wet yourself?

Yoshi: No, no, not at all! You see the Khorne apothecary had spent much of the second half smothering tubs of soothing cream onto the demon's nads, but he used too much and due to the fiery skin of these beasts it all melted out there and created a slippery puddle beneath him. As a professional this is exactly the sort of opportunity I look for, I put him down easily Bob. With my 3" spikes from IKillYEA. You can't be too careful with Bloodthirsters.

Bob (doubtfully): Uh-huh. So you survived unscathed, amazing. Or the match at least. Does it worry you that this bloodthirster and thousands of his fans and cultists are currently scouring the country for you? And is it true that the Haikido Ronin are currently disguising you, and regularly moving you between secret ninja castles in the mountains?

Yoshi (right eye twitching): No, no, I can't comment on team security issues.

Bob: Ok. But of course the match was a 1-1 draw. Are you excited that the team owners are considering a rematch?

Yoshi (jumping out of his chair): WHAT!!! I mean, err, sorry I need to see my agent... (runs out of the studio followed by 20 men in grey cloaks)

Bob: Well there you have it folks - Yoshi, scourge of demons and luckiest man alive. Well for now anyway...
Joost



Joined: Mar 17, 2014

Post   Posted: Jul 12, 2019 - 16:51 Reply with quote Back to top

would have gotten 6 stars if it was a blog!
DrDeath



Joined: Mar 27, 2011

Post   Posted: Jul 12, 2019 - 23:28 Reply with quote Back to top

Cheers Joost, good point I've posted it there Smile I was tempted to file it under 'Strategy'- after all booting a Bloodthirster in the knackers should be a key page in every team playbook. You can't be too careful with Bloodthirsters!
KhaTazadun



Joined: Oct 14, 2017

Post   Posted: Jul 13, 2019 - 00:12 Reply with quote Back to top

That Yoshi is for sure courageous ! Or fool maybe ? Smile
We'll see in our next match if all these ninjas in cloaks will be sufficient to protect him from the Death !
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