“Welcome Blood Bowl Fans as we watch the second round match of the Blue Mountain Dragons Conference your Blood Bowl Commentator Brian here

And welcome to the commentary box the famous Blood Bowl Star Morg 'n Thorg

M: Yeah, bit pissed off to not be playing in this match, but the tight fisted Gobbo's couldn't afford me star player hire fee. [mutters something under breath about the unreliability of goblins]

B: So what are we looking at here?

M: A bloody travesty is what! The goblins are looking to go toe to toe with an orc side that has a flam'n Jedi pack with un-natrell powers 'n a right good looking She-Troll who I was looking forward to having a wrestle with on the Line of Scrimmage!

B: *Ahem* yes, so let's look at the match shall we?

M: Sure thing Brian, I'll point out all the reasons why the cheapskate Gobbo's should've coughed out the coin and put me on the pitch instead of splashing the money on bribes and some loon with with a ball and chain.

B: OK, so the weather is absolutely perfect and our pre match investigation has indeed shown that the goblins laid out $150k in bribes and another $150k for a wizard and hired Fungus the Loon to come onto the pitch. That's quite a hefty purse they've outlaid for the game!

M: Yeah I'm surprised Fungus is still about, he's munched on a tonne of toadstools and magic mushies. Bloke must have the constitution of an ox to still be kicking around. But he can't walk in a straight line, all those mushies have messed up 'is balance.

B: The Unicorns win the toss and elect to receive the kick. Is that a good move Morg?

M: Well it depends don't it, you get the first chance to punch the other team in the face and hopefully knock a couple off the grass in the first few turns so you can then bring in more mates to bash up the rest. At some point you gotta remember to score as well and when you score is always a tough question that every team has to choose the answer to.

B: So let's look at how these teams play tonight.

M: Bloody hell Brian!!! [Sound of a massive Ogre fist thumping on the table is heard] Give me the eff'n Mike and I'll commentate on the highlights!

B: [Gulp] here you are Morg.

M: Right, standard Gobbo kick-off side, they've smuggled in a bomber, a chainsaw, a bloke with a ball and chain and two tough looking Trolls with a handful of cheeky Goblins that are hope'n they don't get squished! The Unicorns stack the line with their big hitters and will be hoping to smash up the goblins and then cage up the ball...
Oooh, fans from both sides chuck a rock and one player each gets thumped and sees stars, but they'll play on, those rocks were only love taps. I've been 'it by chucked rocks plenty of times [points to a few scars on his face] they ain't fun.
Now, one goblin gets knocked out, but you can't rely on KOs the little buggers can bounce back... the Unicorns 'ave a loose cage around a poor goblin 'coz they suspect that the gobbo's 'ave themselves a wizard. Poor little bugger pulled the short straw for that job!
Gobbo's wind up the ball 'n chain, Trolls come in for a taste of the Unicorn defense and the more reliable troll blitzes a hole and two little blighters get in contact with the Unicorn's gobbo ball carrier. Unicorns blitz the ankle tapping goblin and BOOM oh that was a nice hit Han Solo! Off to the blood bin with you son. He won't be back tonight!
Oh those ball 'n chains are messy and C3PO the Orc thrower droid cops it after getting knocked over. Bye-Bye droid. Risky play now as the big Troll blitzes the gobbo with the ball, THUMP I heard that hit from up here and he's see'n stars and the ball scatters. Look at that, only turn 2 and the goblins are already pressuring the Unicorn side. I thought these guys were tougher than this! Now let's look at this bit of brilliance, hello a sneaky chainsaw gobbo slips down through the gap and sits within easy scoring range and that freak of a goblin 'Kickbacks' waltzes in, scoops up the ball in two tacklezones as easy as you please, dodges out and passes to the chainsaw goblin and catch! Oh that's a nice play, the Unicorns are about to suffer an upset here. The Unicorns focus on a bit of hurt, that big BoB KOs a little runt, maybe he'll stay off. 'Darth Maul' closes in on the agile 'Kickbacks' trying to pin down the slippery blighter. Obewan knocks down a gobbo and the Wookie slips back to cover the other Troll in case he quits drooling... Now what's this, oh my... Go son! Look out, Luke Skywalker is making a desperate dash towards the ball carrier! Will he catch him in time? Feck me, he's quick and... WHAMMO! Oh nice tackle there, I couldn't have done better meself. The rest of the Unicorn side scramble and dodge to get closer to that loose ball... But the goblins aren't done yet, one of the knocked over gobbos on the far edge of the field is dusting himself off and breaks for the touchdown line, that chainsaw gobbo is still unhurt (must've had the chainsaw brake on) and is about to take a hack at Luke. Nope, must've left the brake on, Luke is unhurt. That ball 'n chall goes for a whirl but ain't knocking anyone down, but Kickbacks is still lurking and he scurries in under the nose of Luke and looks like he's going to try and chuck the ball to the other side of the pitch! That's a big ask for a little arm, even if he is juiced on every enhancer he can get his hands on... Will he do it?
Nope. Fumbles the throw and the Unicorns have a chance here to salvage it.
Darth Maul puts his body on the line and covers off the chainsaw, Han Solo blitzes Kickbacks but can't bang him down hard enough to even stun him. Leia knocks over the nearest Troll and Wookie II covers the other slippery character. Oh what's this? Luke doesn't try to break free and scoop up the ball?! He's thumped the chainsaw and is guarding the loose ball. Son, with Kickbacks still conscious that's a risky move. Aahh, Jaja dodges clear and cover the waiting receiver, good lad and Yoda pushes the bomber back and crowds him to make the throw trickier.
Poor Jaja takes a Troll to the face, but he's tough! Knocked over, but not out. The freed up receiver races close to the touchdown line and is yelling at Kickbacks for the pass. Kickbacks, dodges, almost stumbles but makes it and then tries to pick up the ball, but when you've got Luke Skywalker, Darth Maul and Han Solo all grabbing at you, that's a bit tough. Han gets in a solid hit and Kickbacks is down. Now's your chance Unicorns. Obewan knocks down the nearest help, the Wookie runs over to the bomber to give Yoda a hand, Leia moves closer to screen the play, nice work, those training sessions are paying off Brian, you are seeing quality Blood Bowl here. Yoda blitzes the bomber and races around to screen whilst Luke scoops up the ball and passes to Darth Maul who catches the ball smoothly. Up the far end of the field, Jaja smartly dodges clear of the Troll and sets himself up closer to the receiver still lurking on their touchdown line. The goblins recover well and the bomber warms up, he lobs a bomb at the Unicorns and the blast knocks out the star Luke Skywalker!!! He looks singed and unconscious as they carry him off the pitch, let's hope the doc brought the smelling salts eh? That bomber just earned himself a nice reward, not often you see a nice bit of grenadier work like that these days. Reminds me of old Bomber Dribblesnot. Ah yes the other troll lumbers towards the centre field towards the action and the chainsaw gobbo remembers to take the brake off this time and hacks into Han Solo. Hmm, he's twitching, so I don't think they will cart him off just yet. Oh hello! Kickbacks obviously has a death wish and has tried to tackle Darth Maul. He's a scary Sith mate and eats little snots like you for brekky. Racketeering takes a dive and I don't blame him, safest place for a gobbo is the KO bin or face down on the grass.
Now Leia and Jabba come down to help pin down the slippery Kickbacks and Darth Maul pounds him into the dirt. *SNAP* Oh yes, that's a powerful hit, I heard something break, and Kickbacks is off for the rest of the game. Well what do you expect when you stand next to a dark lord of mysterious powers? And Darth Maul blitzes free of the carnage and is within easy scoring range.
Oh Yoda knocks the bomber into the waiting arms of the Wookie who doesn't tear his arms off, but he does thump him down hard, maybe buying Darth Maul enough time to score first.
Oh hello, yes the wizard must've been seen the signal from the coach and
*ZAP* a miniature storm appears over Darth's head and a lightning strike knocks our would-be hero to the ground and spilling the ball. The goblins are scrambling but no one can get in range of the ball. The Unicorns get tackle zones on all of the goblins and the nearby Troll. Darth Maul picks himself up, grabs up the loose ball and staggers towards the line... Go son, go you good thing! But the goblins have one last hope... Extortion with the chainsaw blitzes Darth Maul and *ZzzzzZZZ* Darth goes down, gets meat tenderised and looks stunned at best. Terrific and gutsy save by the little Goblin and his buddy comes racing over to pick up the ball but slips on a bit of Darth's blood. I think it's over for the Unicorns now, no time to save this play and score a touchdown now. So no time left to score, then you grudge it and hurt as many goblins as you can! And yes! Leia KOs the bomber with that mighty hit she has, I tell you Brian I'd love to get tackled by her!!!

*Cough from Brian*

Yeah they make a few more hits, but no more joy... Only seconds left now... Oh! Oh! OOHHH! Are you seeing this Brian!? Yoda charges the chainsaw! Knocks him over!! Is he? Oh yes he is! He picks up the ball and charges for the line... Can he do it? YESSS! TOUCHDOWN!!! [Sound of the Microphone getting sprayed with Morg's spit] And the Unicorn fans go wild! That came out of nowhere, Yoda you little green legend! [Crunch sound as an excited Morg crushes the Microphone]

[Transmission cut due to technical difficulties]

*Ahem* testing, testing... 1,2..1,2... Yeah the backup Mic is working.

M: Welcome back Cabbalvision fans, the sneaky goblins nearly scored, then after the Unicorns recovered it looked like they had then scrambled a defense and stopped the Unicorns from scoring in the trailing seconds of the half, when out of nowhere the plucky Yoda earned himself the cheering adoration of the fans when he blitzed away the chainsaw goblin guarding the ball, scooped up the ball and charged over the line. There's enough time on the clock for the Unicorns to kick off before half time and Luke is still off seeing stars after the bomb blast went off. Now this works well for the Unicorns because the ref will ban the weapons, even a sport as corrupt as this one has unwritten rules and the ref can only be bought off at the end of each half OR after a drive. Well we just had a drive and in a few seconds we'll also have the end of the half. So, the goblin coach has to spend his bribes to put weapons on the field for only a few seconds. This could see the end of the goblin side, as after this quick play he won't have much coin left to convince the ref to let him keep all his weapons. He's got one banned already, two hurt and two out of three KOs made it back onto the field.
BLITZ! These Unicorns are sharpening up their game every second this game continues. Good deep kick from the Unicorns, it'll be impossible for them to hand-off to a goblin for the throw a goblin down the pitch trick, they'll have to form a gang scrum and shove one of the little blighters close enough so he can break free of the pack and scurry over the line. Very tough to do, but loads of fun to watch if it works!
Nope, the ball 'n chain can't make it work, but OUCH the chainsaw takes down another Orc, Jabba the Hutt will be nursing a sore head in the KO bin.
Now the goblins have a couple of knocked over orcs, oh they have a grudge against Yoda for that touchdown and they swarm him to lay in the boot. The fans don't like this and the ref sees the foul and sends one off to appease the fans. And that's the end of the first half ladies and gentlemen.

Second half and the Unicorns put 11 on the pitch to kick, Luke is still off and we're wondering if there wasn't something nasty laced into the bomb to lay the star low. It is goblins folks and anything sneaky or underhanded is possible. The Goblin coach scrounges up his last bribe and gets Anarchy the loon with a ball 'n chain to take the field once more with only 7 other players.

B: 8 vs 11... Do you think that the bribe money has run out Morg?

M: Definitely so Brian! Any Goblin coach worth his salt will always pack the weapons onto the pitch when they are receiving the kick. And no goblin coach willingly sends his team onto the pitch lighter than they need to be. We've seen all the tricks we're going to see from the dirty playbook. Wizards are a one shot deal, the bomber is banned and so is the chainsaw and ball and chain. The Unicorns are still fielding a full side and have one star player in the KO bin who COULD come back at the next drive, or the one after that.

OK let's watch the kick, the Unicorns kick short hoping to steal the ball but the Goblins have wised up to the surprise blitz and make a mess of the front line, scoop up the ball and hide behind a wall of Trolls and goblins. One poor Unicorn Black Orc is down on the ground and surrounded by Goblins, If he doesn't get up and get clear he's a ripe target for a gang foul and let me tell you Brian goblins are like piranhas. One isn't that bad, but get swarmed and they'll tear you to the bone in seconds!

Aah, the Unicorns close in to pressure the goblin defense and the lonely black orc clambers to his feet. Good luck son, you're going to need it. Now that ball 'n chain is a worry, they need to neutralise that threat. Once those things get spinning you can't stand in front and hope to stop them.

Hmm, looking promising as the gorgeous Leia gears up for the tackle as R2, Qui-Gonn and Jaja lend her the assist. POW and *SQUISH* the Loon is nursing a dislocated shoulder and won't be back. Oh Brian, that Leia is wife material I tell you.

[Embarrassed Silence from Brian]

Well the Unicorns have certainly placed the pressure onto the Goblin defense. What will they do next?

A bit of pushing and shoving but the only player eating daisies is a clumsy Goblin that doesn't know how to dodge! The Unicorns have the numbers. The Wookie closes in and Darth Maul sees a tempting target, the Goblin 'Secrecy' is within tackling range and *BOOM* Darth tackles him down hard sending another Goblin off the field for the doctor to patch up. And I can see that the Unicorns have done their homework, young Secrecy there suffered a nasty skull fracture a few games back and word on the street is, he can't handle a hit the way he used to, it's no surprise that Darth really worked hard to take that Goblin down [burnt the reroll]. The Unicorns continue to steamroll the outnumbered Goblins! Obewan takes down the Troll Bribery and the Chancellor who seconds earlier looked like foul-bait smashed Corruption and sends him off to the KO Bin. I'm sorry, but it looks grim for the Goblins now.

Leia charges 'Thieving' with the ball and thumps him on his arse which spills the ball. Young nimble Jaja scurries around and protects the prone ball until safer hands can take charge. With the numbers on their side, the Unicorns risk a foul, but Qui-Gonn isn't a skilled fouler and the Goblin rolls with the kicks unharmed. At least the ref didn't notice that one! Luke shifts slightly closer, but he's hanging back in case the goblins manage a miracle and get tossed clear of the tussle with the ball.

So the Goblins try to scramble a defense, the remaining Troll lumbers to his feet and the pogoer leaps onto the ball but the spring snaps and he crashes to the ground and knocks himself out. To add insult to injury, he scatters the ball into the agile hands of Jaja who catches the ball! And this little guy isn't silly, he races towards the touchdown line as quickly as he can safely manage.

From here it's just awful to watch. The Orcs have walled the goblins off from any hope of the ball, the Troll is knocked over and fouled so hard that he'll be counting boot-prints with every finger and toe he has after the match.

B: So by my count there are 11 goblins that have been dispatched Morg. 4 banned, 4 badly hurt and 3 Kos, leaving a paltry 1 Troll and 3 goblins all laying down!

M: Pretty standard Goblin numbers against an Orc team by three quarter time. They wouldn't have been in this situation if they'd hired me for the match. You get what you pay for Brian.

Now the Unicorns try for another boot on the Troll, but Troll hide is tough and they don't crack anything underneath it. Obewan runs for the touchdown line and Jaja does a smooth hand-over to the big Orc which is great team-work. Jaja is a real team player, no selfish Prima Donna here that only looks out for himself. So let's see how many KOs come back after that touchdown. I promise you coach tussock will be slapping goblins and throwing buckets of cold water over them, anything to get some numbers back in the game....

Two out of three isn't bad, Luke is still off – hmm I think the star may be faking it now, he's a tough lad. We'll see if I'm right.

Kick-off 11 Unicorns against 5 goblins and 1 Troll.

The Goblins have a trouble free start, the Troll finds a nice hole in the defense, sloppy field by the Unicorns! Blitzes over a line orc and 3 goblins scurry into the Unicorn's back field.

The two deep goblins are also on their game with a sweet pass to the pogoer and sitting safely out of blitz range.

Now we see the Unicorns try to muster a strong defense. They get one receiver stunned and get two tacklezones on each of the remaining receivers. Oh hello! The beautiful Leia picks up R2D2 and in a display of strength, power, coordination and sheer sexiness throws R2D2 within range of the pogoer and he races up to hassle the ball carrier! And Han Solo sprints his lungs out to stand beside the plucky droid. But wait! The opposing side's Troll wrestles free, blitzes away Jaja as the pogoer LEAPS over the top of the puzzled Unicorn players, races down the pitch and flings a solid pass to Thieving who despite the forbidding presence of Darth Maul CATCHES the BALL. Oh Nuffle! Will they do it? Thieving dodges clear of Darth Maul and runs for the touchdown line on his little legs... He's off to the far corner as far as he can get, will he make it? He's staggering, no he's still going, one more push and he SCORES!!!

Incredible play from the Goblins and suddenly at 2-1, maybe they can pull another rabbit from the hat and make it a draw!

B: Holy SH!T [Cough] I mean, bless Nuffle that was incredible Blood Bowl!

M: Goblins are like elves, low numbers mean poop. A good/lucky goblin team only need 2 goblins and a Troll to score a touchdown and three goblins to fill the line of scrimmage. Feck'n annoy'n it is! You pound the little squirts into red paste and then they still win the eff'n match sometimes.

Oh here we go. Luke is back and aren't the crowd chanting his name! He ain't gonna sit in the dugout and let his team down, oh no. Gobbo's are gonna see a rough time of it now.

Holy Nuffle! Those goblins are plucky! They caught the Orcs napping and now they're blitzing on the kick and caught the flam'n ball. This game ain't over yet Brian!

There's a big ugly troll near the ball carrier, a friendly gobbo and a tough steroid pumping gobbo with his greasy mitts on the ball. Let's see what the Unicorns do...

Oh! Another nice hit from Darth Maul, he's just smashed the pogoer off the pitch and he won't be coming back! Han blitzes the ball carrier and *GAR* he's knocked out after a very solid tackle. The ball spills free and Han sits next to 'Conspiracy' to tie him up. Obewan slips around to tie up the centre field and Jaja bravely hovers over the ball in easy hitting range of the Troll.

The rest of the goblin team gets knocked on their arse or shoved around as the Unicorns dominate the field. But Corruption is keen to get into the action, he breaks free and blitzes Jaja onto his backside but he nimbly falls onto the ball and flicks it clear, it bounces off Corruption and lands at the feet of Mace Windu a new rookie for the Unicorn team. Conspiracy the agile goblin dives onto the ball but face plants and hurts himself badly and is stretchered off the field. The Goblin team is now two isolated Trolls and two isolated goblins against a full Unicorn side, 9 standing angry Orcs, 1 deadly beautiful Troll and a brave goblin who will be scrambling to his feet any moment.

The Wookie takes a swing at the Troll and takes him down hard to the sound of crunching bones and the Troll Bribery is dragged moaning from the pitch. Only a minute is left on the match clock. Han Solo races towards the Goblin midfield hoping that a pass will come his way. The Chancellor, that big yet nimble Black Orc smashed Racketeering IV so hard that I saw his leg snap. Even with modern medicine he won't be back for a game or two! And that's the first serious injury of the game!

The remaining Troll is knocked over and screened, Jaja races and stands beside Han also hoping for the pass. Luke! Luke the star of the Unicorn Team races forward! He scoops the ball up smoothly, bastard doesn't even break stride! He pulls up and lobs the ball to Jaja who takes the ball in with safe hands! The Goblin's last troll Corruption stands up and Blitzes over Jabba the Hutt, but is too slow to hold back the nimble Jaja. Without fanfare Jaja runs over the line and scores the 3rd Touchdown for the Unicorns! And the final siren blares GAME OVER!

The match ends: 3-1 to the Unicorns. 10 Unicorn players swarm over to congratulate Jaja on a much deserved touchdown, leaving behind 1 battered Troll and 1 stunned goblin on the pitch.

A valiant effort by the Goblins! It wasn't until the last few minutes that they looked completely OUT of the game. Those early ball spills and almost touchdowns could have swung their way on another day. And that surprise touchdown was just magic! They're goblins and until the last one is off the pitch, a surprise may be lurking behind the next play!

This is Morg 'n Thorg commentating exclusively for Cabbalvision.

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