“On the road for their second match, and trying to recover from the death of Vegemite Disaster during their inaugural game, the Scoundrels' outlook was pretty pessimistic. A second match against Chaos Dwarfs was not something to look forward to. It wasn't helpful when Chuckling Tugfest, the assistant offensive coach, couldn't think of any advice more helpful than "Weebls wobble but they don't fall down." Even Ladyshape Grumbleflick, usually positive about everything, was gloomy as they shambled into the Bronzed Raiders' stadium. "2-0 if we're lucky, the wizened coach declared" the wizened coach declared. (The Scoundrels' coach, after a few too many Bloodweisers to steady his hands, couldn't stop talking about himself.)

Somehow though, the luck was with the Scoundrels today. The Raiders lost the coin toss and after being prepared to take a mauling, the Scoundrels' blood was up. Opting to receive the kick, the Scoundrels' quick snap had Manshape Gutwort crowding the Raiders' Baldrick Thunderfoot, while the rest of the team pressed forward.

Spindizzee Tick Tock had brought his own massive ball to the game, and knocked down Targ Bronzehammer, while both Manshape and Ladyshape, in a rare moment of intelligence, managed to batter the rest of the Raider's front line. After failing to make much impact in his first game, Avo Smash Toast and the rest of the team rushed forward, putting in an exemplary foul to leave Blackbeard, the Raiders' number 8 blocker, asleep in the dugout. Legneck Won't Stop Bouncing retrieved the ball and then, in a show of overconfidence, lobbed it straight past "Burning Sensation" Grogg. Playing cautiously, the Raiders failed to take advantage, Ladyshape easily rebuffing Targ Bronzehammer's advances and putting him back on the floor.

The two trolls continued to knock down players left and right, while Smash Toast was busy with his chainsaw. That made him a target for the Raiders, but even their Bull Centaurs could only manage to nudge the doughty little feller from Dunsborough backwards a little. With the ball still loose, Ladyshape and Manshape continued to help the little people to lie down so Avo could run forwards and apply a little chainsaw goodness to their bodies. A short argument with the ref ensued, but the Scoundrels have a long history of charitable donations, and with the Referee's Benevolent Fund 50,000 better off, sensible heads prevailed and the Toaster carried on playing. "Yer can't spell acupuncture without punch" Smash Toast was heard to say. That may be why he never finished medical school.

All this good luck couldn't last, and it was about the time that Taur'rak, the Raiders' number 1 Centaur, got the ball and started running, that Ladyshape and Manshape both forgot what they were meant to be doing. Smash Toast's chainsaw jammed on a bit of bone and Friendly Fructose Overdose tripped over his own bootlaces, the match took a turn for the worse. Avo went down to a most ungentlemanly foul from Xavier Clearbone, and it was of course a sign of great refereeing that this dirty act was immediately dealt with by sending the offender off, while a bouquet of flowers and best wishes went to the Toaster's bedside.

With the people's favourite, Fructose Overdose, also off the pitch, it looked like the Scoundrels were back to their losing ways, but a failed block from a journeyman Hobgoblin left players sprawling while Ladyshape got up and gave the number 2 Centaur a good walloping.

Dead on the pitch,and revived five minutes' later by the magical sponges of the apothecaries, Drarukh was nonetheless off the pitch and regretting the day. Still, Tick Tock was whirring around uncontrollably, Smash Toast was lying drooling on the Astrogranite and Manshape was once more distracted, thinking about the copy of What Hi Fi magazine he was half way through reading in his shed before the match. Just because you almost-killed somebody doesn't make you a winner, and with the Raiders close to a touchdown, disaster continued to loom.

With a first touchdown just before half time, and Tick Tock sent off for bringing the wrong size ball to the match, the Scoundrels were desperate to make an impact before the whistle blew again. Setting up quickly, and with Manshape promised an entire year's worth of Top Gear Magazine if he could just concentrate, the team rushed forward again. Thoughts of his questionably denim clad hero in his mind, Manshape lost no time in injuring Baldrick Thunderfoot, and although Smash Toast had to spend the second half collecting further donations for the R.B.F., the Raiders could only bring six players to the second half.

This was also time for the Scoundrels to supply their ceremonial double-spiked ball, along with Atishoo Blundertug, recruited from the reserves team at the local fireworks factory. The team proving remarkably resilient to Dwarf blocks, and the Raiders struggling to pick up the new ball, the Scoundrels pressed their numerical advantage. That wasn't enough to prevent Legneck being knocked off his pogo stick and breaking some ribs, but it gave the Scoundrels space to organise a 7-goblin jumping party, with Khorharr Ironhand playing the bouncy castle to Cowpuncher Gurgle's boots.

Ladyshape suffered a lot from unwanted Dwarfs in her last game, and again, they tried to pile onto her. Initially confused, a good yell from her wizened coach and a reminder that the Dunian Blackbeard had soiled her nightie got her up and fighting again. More fouls ensued and though it wasn't enough to take the ball off the Raiders, they were left stalled in midfield while the Scoundrels romped home to a 1-0 defeat.

Yelling "only one touchdown, only one touchdown, you only scored one touchdown" the Scoundrels left the field, pursued by angry Raiders fans flinging bottles and rotten fruit. No matter that it was a loss for the team, holding the Raiders to a single touchdown means that Manshape richly deserved his tattered Top Gear annual, while Avo Smash Toast's diligent charity work and offers of makeshift surgery to any stunned Dwarf made him the MVP of the Scoundrels this week.”