Vanilla Ice Cream - Stephen Lynch
Have a seat and listen, please don't say a thing
The matters of the heart sometimes, the truth will ever sting
Just don't take it personally, this is no attack
But we will never last because I am white and you are...also white

I only like black girls and brown girls, the café au lait
Caramel girls, and mocha girls just blow me away
If your a nubian, I want you to-be in every fantasy
But if you're a whitey, say nighty-nighty, your just not the girl for me

Oh I hate vanilla ice cream, I like chocolate instead
I hope she likes her soul food with a little Wonder Bread
Don't call it Jungle Fever cause that just isn't right
I am not a racist, some of my best friends are white

I just prefer black girls, the brown girls, the café au lait
A caramel girls and mocha girls just blow me away. If you're a cracker, you better get blacker or else you best get out
It is no mystery, I like a sister see that's what I'm talkin about

Our wedding song will be "Ebony and Ivory", and we'll sing Christmas carols round the old Kwanza tree
But color is not the issue here, it's dignity, it's class
It's all about her heart, okay it's partly about that ass
I want me some black girl, the brown girl, the café au lait
A caramel girls, and mocha girls, just blow me away
If you're a honky, you're singin the wrong key, it's the honest truth
The skin that she's dwellin in, must contain melanin, that is the Fountain of Youth.

This is for my little girl
My lady gives birth today
I run to her room right away
She smiles with glee and hands her to me
I look at my newborn and say

Damn that's an ugly baby
Damn that's an ugly ass baby
I'm feeling quite concerned
My semen must have turned
'Cause damn that's an ugly baby

I can't believe this came from me
I think her mom did too much LSD
she's skinny like a twig
at least her nuts are big
but the placenta is cuter than she

Damn that's an ugly baby
God damn that's an ugly ass baby
I can't take her home today
She'll scare the dog away
'cause damn that's an ugly baby

And when she smiles I find
Shane McGowen comes to mind
It makes me want to cry
When I look into her good eye
I always wanted kids
Is it wrong to hope for SIDS?
Then the doctor calls me in
Mr. Lynch she has a twin
Damn that's a good-lookin' baby
One for two on the good lookin' babies
I almost start to weep
Now this one we can keep
cause that was an ugly ass baby

Damn that's an ugly baby (x4)
She's got one good tooth and one ear and one eye
And thank god just one nose but it's on her left thigh
Now doctor I am asking you guy to guy
Would a really really really late term abortion apply
Oh no, I don't want no ugly baby
I said damn that's an ugly ass baby

Thinking of all the cool creatures that I will meet on this night
Ghosts and goblins and witches roaming the streets in moonlight
Bowls of candy and goodies, delicious and waiting in store
The sound of cute little footsteps as they approach my front door

Letting the children inside to drink beers
Razor blades hidden in three musketeers
Screams from the basement of kids begging to be set free
That's what Halloween means to me

Tightening the clamps that are holding their little heads so tight
Putting my lips to their ears as I whisper please don't fight
I promise I'll let you go home if you swear not to tell a soul
Well I'll just untie these I'm kidding now where is my chainsaw? Let's rock and roll

A pinch of your brother a teaspoon of you
With the head of your sister would make a good stew
I'd give you a taste but you're tongue's in the stew; irony
That's what Halloween means to me

Trick-or-treat, smell my feet
Give me something good to eat
Trick-or-treat, smell my feet
Give me someone good to eat

Everyone knows Jesus
The guy who healed the lame.
Well, I am Jesus' brother,
Craig is my name.

Jesus is the Prince of Peace.
Jesus is the Lamb.
Jesus is the Son of God,
But Craig don't give a damn.

Because when Craig's in sight,
We'll party all damn night.
I don't turn water into wine,
But into cold Coors Light.
I'm not my brother, I know,
Don't walk on H2O,
But I got hydroponic shit that me and Judas grow.

I'm fuckin Craig.
I'm fuckin Craig.
Yeah, i'm fuckin Craig.
Craig Christ.

I hang out with Lepors,
Barabbas, and Solemay.
Jesus' friends are called Apostles.
Those dudes are totally gay.
Jesus performs miracles,
From Galilee to Rome.
But it would be a miracle,
If he brought a fuckin lady home.

Because while Jesus is prayin,
Fuckin Craig is layin,
Every lady in the Testament,
You know what I'm sayin'?
I won't die for your sin,
Like my famous kin.
But if you've got a little sister,
Then there's room at this inn.

I'm fuckin Craig.
yeah, i'm fuckin Craig.
Fuckin Craig.
Craig Christ.

Jesus was our mothers fave,
All her love to him she gave.
But there's no sibling rivalry,
When he's nailed to that tree.
Yeah.

And now the question for you,
Is not "What Would Jesus Do?"
But where will you be,
When the Craig Machine comes partyin' through?
And if the Lord will allow,
You got to ask yourself how,
And who and why and when and where is your messiah now?
It's fuckin Craig.

Fuckin Craig.
Fuckin Craig.
Fuckin Craig.
Craig Christ.
Craig Christ.
Craig Christ.
I'm fuckin Craig.

Ever since first man has walked this Earth I have been here
To whisper seeds of doubt and evil thoughts into his ear
I am the beast, the outcast angel fallen from on high
I go by many names by there is one you can't deny
My name is Satan, hi everybody!
Ahh, let me tell you a little about myself
My friends all call me old scratch and I am a Capricorn
My turn ons are romantic walks and killing the unborn
I’ve got little devil horns, and a little Goatee,
little devil eyes to help a little devil see
little cloven hoofs that make it kinda hard to ski
I’m Satan, Woo Hoo!

Or Mephistopheles for some. I dont know

My real name is Beelzebub, but you can call me Beelz
I love to watch Fox news and then go club some baby seals
Then I’ll take a bubble bath and drink a zinfandel
Try to wash off that baby seal smell
And then I’ll make a toast to me
Hey, here’s to my hell..
Th… My name is Satan. Ah Hah!

To carry on my evil ways I went and had a son
And now he makes his living as a singing comedian
I’m in every Zeppelin album
I’m in all Rush Limbaugh’s rants
I’m the reason that the Boston Red Sox even had a chance

And if I want to eat your soul, I’ll just throw it on a griddle.
I don’t need to make a deal, I don’t need to tell a riddle
And fuck Charlie Daniels I don’t care if he can fiddle
I’m Satan.

The Devil went down to Georgia, he was looking for a soul to steal
That’s fucking bullshit because I wouldn’t be caught dead in Georgia
Ok, it’s like Oh my God!
Six, Six, Six!

I was in love with an albino
Her lack of pigment seemed like fun
Her skin, the whitest alabaster
Her eyes as pink, as pink as bubble gum

Then one day it snowed real hard,
and she disappeared
That's one
Here's two

I love little Agnus Johnson
I met her at the old folks home
She'd call me up and say hey Stephen
Come give old Mother Hubbard a bone
Then one day her EKG went beep, beep, beep-contin.

It's College time again
September's almost here
Hanging with freshmen girls
Frat party kegs of beer
I see a girl I'm wanting
mixer at Delta Chi
we take some oxycontin
Dave Matthew gettin' high
and then as I undress her
and start my stimulus
she says but wait professor
this wasn't on the syllabus

I'm the bad professor
I'm the bad professor
A tenured titty caresser
I'm a bad, bad man

Tutor her at my apartment
turns into a slow dance
Hey baby, what's your minor got your major in my pants
I love her student body
She wants a better grade
I say if you roll over I'll throw in financial aid

I hope you've boned up for your midterm
If you want, I can help you cram
Don't give a shit about the essay test
So let's skip it and get to the oral exam

I'm a bad professor
that's a blow job reference
I'm a bad professor
Your money's on the dresser
I'm a bad, bad man

My story is so tiresome.
(tiresome!)
Back in France, I was rich as they come.
(as they come!)
But I lost all my wealth
And my good mental health.
Now I live with ze filth and ze scum.
(and ze scum!)

I'm Pierre, ze only french bum in New York (ooooooooh)
When I open my Boone's Farm, I still sniff ze cork (ooooooooh)
So have you a quarter?
I'm begging you, please. (ooooooooh)
I have to have wine with my government cheese.

I really should bid you adieu.
(bid adieu!)
I'm feeling a bit sacre bleu.
(sacre bleu!)
My life is a hell.
I give off a bad smell,
But I'm French, so that's always been true.

Pee-ew!

In the woods of Northern Michigan he made his home
Didn't ask much from the world, just wanted to be alone
He got his first real blade at thirteen thats when it all began
soon the creatures of the forest called him whittlin' man

yeah

he whittled all day and he whittled all night
he whittled whittled whittled everything in sight
he whittled on a stick
he whittled on his shoe
and if you come too close gonna whittle you too

keep a safe distance if you can
cause you're never safe around whittlin` man

had a stump to sit on
had some wood, had his trusty knife
whittled out a house, a car
and he whittled himself a wife (such a beautiful wife)
whittled out four kids, a swimming pool and a big lear jet
and so he wouldn't miss saved by the bell, well he whittled a T.V. set

yeah

he whittled if its light, and he whittled if its dark
and if Noah was around well he'd whittle him an arc
he'd whittle somethin new and he'd whittle somethin old
he'd whittle somethin hot and he'd whittle somethin rather chilly

keep a safe distance if you can
cause you're never safe around whittlin` man

break it down

some say whittlin` mans a genius, still others say he's just dumb
he whittled off a foot, an ear, three fingers and his left thumb
boy is he dumb
that won't stop him, no it won't
he'll whittle through thick and thin
once he's whittled everything, he'll just whittle it all again

yeah

he whittled if it was white, and he whittled if its black
and he whittled on a duck til the duck can't quack
he whittled if it was dry and he whittled if its juicy
whittled on Desi and he whittled on Lucy
whittled JFK and he whittled Jackie O
whittled old Larry and Curly and Moe
and he whittled Frank Zappa and he whittled Tipper Gore
whittle whittle whittle til he can't no more
whittled Shamu and he whittled on Jaws
whittled The Easter Bunny and he whittled Santa Claus
and whittle whittle whittle just fast he can
whittle 'til he's dead, he's whittlin` man

I get home late from work tonight
Baby, my body's achin'.
Can't stop thinkin' 'bout you and me
And the love that we'll be makin'.
So I chill the champagne
Light a candle or two
(Baby, all the things I'ma do to you)
I love you so much my little heart is breakin'.

Let's make love
Oh baby, let's make love
Your body fits me like a glove
So baby, let's make love
(Baby, let's make love, oooh yeah)
Baby let's make love, yeah, yeah, alright

Ain't nobody in the world
In love as we are.
Making love to you's like being inside a shooting star.
Now I'm in so deep, baby, we're groovin
(Love the way your body is movin')
Then I pull it out just a little bit too far
And I accidentally stick it in your butthole.
I put it in your butthole.
I swear that wasn't my goal
To put it all up in your bootyhole.

And I swear
I'll never do it again.
...Unless you kinda liked it.

Not Home - Stephen Lynch
You say thats you're leaving but just for a day
The company wants you to fly to LA
So you leave me alone and i sit and i say
What will i do today
Today while you're away

I wil...
Sniff all your underwear
Dress in your clothes
Pleasure myself inside your pantyhose

I know it's not easy
To leave me alone
But it's more fun
When you're not home

Yeah it's more fun when you're not home

I got my twelve sided die and I'm ready to roll with a wizard and my goblin crew.
My friends are coming over to my mom's basement bringing Funyuns and the Mountain Dew.
I got a big broad sword made outta cardboard and that stereos a pumpin zeppelin. (dazed and confused)
It's that time of the night, we turn on the black light, let the dungeons and the dragons begin!

It's D and D!!
Fighting with the legends of yore.
It's D and D!!
Never kissed a lady before. Nope, I said it, WOOO!
C'mon you gonna bring the thunder? I'll bring the fuckin thunder, c'mon bring the thunder, c'mon lets go! Aww that's nice.
Why don't you bring some thunder mother fucker. Bring some thunder, alright!

Now the lord of the rings the dark crystal and things, we use these as a reference tool.
And when we put on our cloaks and tell warlock jokes, we're the coolest kids in the school!
No we're not. I know.

Now Teich's a real bastard, but a fair dungeon master, he's got hitpoints and charisma to lend.
And I rehearse in my room or what I call the dragon's tomb when I'm not out with my girlfriend!
It's D and D!
Wait wait wait, Teich, c'mon. I'm sorry. Woah hey wait, I'm sorry. Hold on gimme one second. What?
Dude come on, seriously. What?!
You've got a fuckin...girlfriend? Dungeon master!
That's kind of a dick thing to say.

It's D and D!!
Summoning the demons of hell.
It's D and D!!
When our shift ends at the taco bell. Gordita! Chalupa!

Well my medieval brother, there's room here for another, would you care to take a roll of the die?
You guys make me weep, you think that you can keep up with a warrior as mighty as I?
See you're in mortal danger, I'm a first class ranger who's half gargoyle and half elf.
And if that doesn't scare ya maybe I should beware ya what lurks within my gaming shelf.
Next to my junior high annual lies my monster manual, and my customized dungeon master screen.
I've got treasures and traps on my graph paper maps, next to my three inch solid pewter figurines.
So if you think you got the balls, bring on your dungeon master calls, I'll be protected by my robe of destruction.
And I will leave you both in tears cause I'm the dungeon master here and you two are in need of some instruction.

It's D and D!!
Warriors who terrify.
It's D and D!!!!!!!
Virgins, 'til the day.....
We..................................
o oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ohh oh
Do it, oh oh ohh oh {note:oh's from New Kids on the Block song}

NO, NO, NO, NO! NO!

One,Two fuck you
DIE!!!!!

Singer/songwriter and comedian Stephen Lynch has an uncanny wit and a mysterious comical side to him, and his performance resumé includes shared gigs with Jeff Foxworthy, Bobcat Goldthwait, Anthony Clark, and Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. In summer 2000, he appeared in his own debut television special on Comedy Central. The guitarist also released his debut album A Little Bit Special, a 22-track look into Lynch's silly and ironic sense of humor, in September 2000. Two years later, Lynch issued a collection of five different shows in and around New York City titled Superhero. Tours at countless colleges and universities across the United States followed into 2004, the same year Lynch released his first DVD, Live at the El Rey. The single "Vanilla Ice Cream" announced the arrival of his 2005 album The Craig Machine.