Born in the depths of the Amazonian jungle, Bassoon was kidnapped by slavers aged two months and whisked away to the arctic tundra.

Forced to carry blocks of ice to build the emperor penguin's giant igloos, Bassoon developed a tolerance to cold only rivalled by someone dosed up on Lemsip.

One day, during a slave revolt, the Emperor's egg-child fell from the top of the tallest igloo, tossed by a rebel hand.

Bassoon, instinctively, leapt across the icey waste, diving to his left, and caught the egg. But alas, it had cracked!

Out popped the young penguin imperial who, thrilled at being alive and not scrambled, order Bassoon be sent into the Blood Bowl team, where his natural skills and resistance to cold would come to the fore.

Part-man, part-man, but a different man, Jaffa's schizophrenic journey through life was incredibly well-handled by social service and he basically did pretty good considering.

Dunno what his aims are here but he seems a sensible chap. Should do alright.

A "gun for hire" and man with no morals, Sinny roamed the Australian outback putting together a semblence of a live through violence, pain and dashing good looks. Until, one day, having been hired to murder a kindergarten school, he looked down into his victim's eyes.

As the big, round, tearstained face lookd back at him in desperation, begging, the shell around Sinny's heart cracked.

The child bit Sinny on the finger, causing him to drop his gun, and ran off, escaping the wrath of the Man of War.

Unable to hold a gun again, Sinny turned his thirst for blood to more sporting means, and joined the team who would pay him the highest and offered him the most opportunity for brutality.

An alcoholic by birth, Kinsman fought all his life against discrimination and prejudice.

As he aged, he became more and more adept at hiding his beverages, though his favourite place was always the toilet as it allowed him to drink while also address his terrible haemmorids (a common side effect of alcoholism)

Eventually his lips became permanently stained with wine, in a dreadful parody of fashion and the modern fixation on vampires and alcohol.

Kinsman became a satire of society, a canvas on which all its ills were laid bare

He doesn't have long to live as he gasps his way through the blood bowl season. Whether the opposition will get him before his crippling health problems remains to be seen.

Archaeologist, philanthropist and stripper, McKestra found fame and fortune with the most erotic series of historical documentaries ever broadcast before the watershed.

Regularly taking up entire episodes of Points of View, he began to live with Terry Wogan in his small two-bedroom flat to save travel costs.

It wasn't until years later that he discovered the terrible secret: Terry Wogan doesn't even present Points of View any more, and the last few years of filming had just been fodder for Wogan's attempted competitor for youtube.

Fleeing in sexy tears, he swore to bring his masculine wiles to the world of sport.

For a long time known as "The man with no name", David struck fear into the hearts of all who witnessed his honda civic swerving through the streets of Falkirk. Until, one day, David made the critical error of purchasing a personalised numberplate.

Pursued by a mob intent on exacting a lifetime of parking fines and general antisocial revenge, he turned to literally his only other skill, catching balls, for which an explanation is not forthcoming.

He knows three of the four Ds of dodging, but thinks the fourth one is "David"

Someone once said of mingmong that he balled so hard, and that shit was crazy. Like David, he was supposed to be locked up too

He was sentenced by a judge to life, but as the term was read out, he said "B*tch behave" and walked out of the court, entirely untouched by anyone within it

His wiley ability to weave through crowds and make it to the counter to order fish filet led him to be spotted by the great coach Jim, who was waiting in line for a nourishing kebab, and took the young mingmong under his wing.

It's said that m*therfuckers still want to find him to bring him to justice...

Jim was always suspicious about numbers. "Give me number eight" he would say whenever playing games of dice.

His favourite sport used to be magic eight ball, which he would toss up and down repeatedly, sometimes throwing it in rage at his dearest companion, a giant ogre.

Through this eightball games with the ogre he would develop into the most durable catcher Team Sekrit has ever seen.

Zael was a crack fisherman in the Cambridge Fens.

His favourite time of day was early, before dawn when the mist was thick around the water and he stood, legs astride, deep in the arms of the river, alone with his waders and his line and his hopes of catching a fish.

Although in all his years he had never caught a single fish, he was known as the greatest fisherman around for his dilligence and ability to cast from any angle, height or direction.

When the authorities drained his river he mistook an advert in a sports paper and accidentally joined Team Sekrit.

Goose "Stryker" Gooserson was voted the top ten handsomest men to play BloodBowl. What I mean is he was voted in all of the ten positions by his admirers.

It's a little known fact that he is cripplingly shy, and unable to speak if there is more than just himself in the room.

While this hampers his ability to communicate with his team, he makes up for it with sheer baller ability.

Seriously why is Alex even here

One-time rugged pop sensation, Rolly Polly first set the charts aflame with his sensational bluegrass remix of Rock Lobster.

Despite this, he threw away his millions on increasingly flamboyant and excessive conga lines.

A string of poorly-received albums and poorly attended CongaCons have left him at a loose end, both metaphorically and specifically with reference to his position in the Conga.

C'mon a-everybody won't you do that conga