Jinxed
Joined: Jul 04, 2004
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  Posted:
Sep 14, 2005 - 11:03 |
 
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To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed."
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by late 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2006) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
I think this is SERIOUSLY funny. If you don't; fine, just start no flame war; it is all in friendly jest. |
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Nuffle sucks |
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Mezir
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
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| Posted:
Sep 14, 2005 - 11:14 |
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 |
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Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day; set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life. |
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Cloggy
Joined: Sep 23, 2004
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| Posted:
Sep 14, 2005 - 11:17 |
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/me agrees with jinxed that this is seriously funny.
One point of citicism: I personally don't think the English could cope with the responsibility (taunt).
The US should probably become a colony of a sensible country, like say......... Holland. After all, New York was OURS to begin with.
Grumble, English thieves, Grumble.......
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Proud owner of three completed Ranked grids, sadly lacking in having a life. |
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Garaygos
Joined: Feb 24, 2004
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| Posted:
Sep 14, 2005 - 11:24 |
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lol
funny |
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The statement below is true.
The statement above is false. |
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Jinxed
Joined: Jul 04, 2004
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| Posted:
Sep 14, 2005 - 11:26 |
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Cloggy? We traded New York for Suriname.
Let's NOT debate if this was wise though... |
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Nuffle sucks |
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Cloggy
Joined: Sep 23, 2004
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| Posted:
Sep 14, 2005 - 11:27 |
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| Jinxed wrote: | We traded New York for Suriname.
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They MADE us trade it after kicking our asses in some war. So basically both parties knew we were not getting the best of deals there
(edited to correct fat fingered typing, again........) |
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Proud owner of three completed Ranked grids, sadly lacking in having a life. |
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Odium_Khan
Joined: Dec 07, 2003
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| Posted:
Sep 14, 2005 - 11:28 |
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That seems reasonable Cloggy, since only the dutch and the citizens of Louisiana are unpractical enough to build their cities on the bottom of the sea.
Edit: Although still trying to carry on the jest, I mean no disrespect to the dutch. Sorry guys. |
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Cloggy
Joined: Sep 23, 2004
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| Posted:
Sep 14, 2005 - 11:34 |
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| Odium_Khan wrote: | | .., since only the dutch and the citizens of Louisiana are unpractical enough to build their cities on the bottom of the sea. |
very true, though we actually build our protection from the sea to withstand the worst storm we might expect, and then some. So this is another thing we could teach the yanks.
DONT build levees to withstand Cat2 storms when there are also Cat4 ones |
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Proud owner of three completed Ranked grids, sadly lacking in having a life. |
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Gran
Joined: Jul 07, 2005
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| Posted:
Sep 14, 2005 - 11:41 |
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ROFL! |
_________________
The trouble is that things *never* get better, they just stay the same, only more so.
-- (Terry Pratchett, Eric)
Today Is A Good Day For Someone Else To Die!
-- (Terry Pratchett, Feet of Clay) |
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ultwe
Joined: Dec 25, 2004
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| Posted:
Sep 14, 2005 - 11:49 |
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Well... I guess someone has to be the Devil's advocate.....
TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND:
We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!
However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.
To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:
1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.
2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)
4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.
5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.
6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.
7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.
8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.
9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".
Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.
PS: regarding WW2: You're Welcome.
Edit: Edited a few spelling mistake in the 1 line I actually typed |
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Yeah, Nuffle sucks... That's because I play crap
π is aproximately 3.142 times better than any other food
Last edited by ultwe on %b %14, %2005 - %11:%Sep; edited 1 time in total |
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WERTHOR
Joined: Jan 24, 2005
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| Posted:
Sep 14, 2005 - 11:55 |
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Great debate guys.....i look forward for jinxed reply! |
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Ironik
Joined: Jun 28, 2004
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| Posted:
Sep 14, 2005 - 12:00 |
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How old are these two spams?
I remember the first one two years ago and the second one one year ago |
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Cloggy
Joined: Sep 23, 2004
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| Posted:
Sep 14, 2005 - 12:00 |
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Well both of them did not actually type it, so don't expect too lively a debate there..... |
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Proud owner of three completed Ranked grids, sadly lacking in having a life. |
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dozer
Joined: Jun 30, 2005
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| Posted:
Sep 14, 2005 - 12:05 |
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| Quote: |
PS: regarding WW2: You're Welcome
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lol |
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Jinxed
Joined: Jul 04, 2004
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| Posted:
Sep 14, 2005 - 12:19 |
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ps; regarding WW2; we would have stayed out of it but those damn Japs attacked Pearl Harbour and then the Germans declared us war. We could no longer pretend the rest of the world did not exist. |
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Nuffle sucks |
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