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Joined: May 29, 2011

Post   Posted: Dec 12, 2019 - 07:53 Reply with quote Back to top

The T&P Show

P: Terence, what happened to the Regionals previews, no one's seen them!

T: Well, Phillip, there wasn't any High Elf teams in the regions, so the expected advertising revenue for the click-throughs didn't justify the costs involved.

P: OK, then. Rolling Eyes


P: But, we really should have, the event of the season has happened in the Regionals, specifically, according to regional polling averages, the Rationalist Minotaur Socrates has entered the realm of SWL legends!

Game seven, everything on the line, he tried his best, and begged the voting public to give him the MVP that would declare him, the giant, tentacled, clawed, blocking, freak that he is, to be truly a legend, and he won by a landslide.

T: That's our whole show, folks, the only thing mattered in a regionals lacking in genius High Elf long passing plays was a ridiculous freak of a minotaur getting a whole lot more casualties. Which, well, good on him.

Socrates: ROAR

T: Yes, but a few less of those and you might not have needed the lucky MVP!

P: Terence, don't, oh no ....


Joined: Mar 06, 2016

Post   Posted: Dec 15, 2019 - 09:51 Reply with quote Back to top


Everybody loves an Underfrog!

Last edited by oozeboss on Dec 21, 2019 - 05:38; edited 1 time in total

Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Dec 20, 2019 - 07:02 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL LXXIX Death Watch Week Seven

There's a capacity crowd at the Theatre of Breams Gala Jubilee Village Hall, as once against we announce the (totally unofficial) Southern Wastelands Death Watch Awards for this season. But before then, let's recap the last week:

Image Mac Homey Miller, sent home for good by Taoldech Burningflaw. Necromantic Zombie, 7 SPP.

Image Blygneggaytch Bloodforge, made slightly less unpronounceable up by Slice. Chaos Pact Marauder, 0 SPP.

Next: Mexted, dead:

Image Murray Mexted, blocked by Reap Harvest. *High Elf Lineman, 10 SPP.

Image Mike Mooch, permanently enlightened by Socrates. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.

Image Tommy Touchalot, won't be touching anyone ever again after a block by Brian. Nurgle Rotter, 18 SPP.

Image Jammer Stickymitts, hands cleaned forever by Ovide Lafont. Skaven Thrower, 10 SPP.

Image Sakura, pushing up the daisies after a hit from Legath Doomhear. Amazon Linewoman, 2 SPP.

"Shouldn't Sakura be something to do with blossom?"
"Blossom, daisies, it's all the same to me, Jim."

Image Suedia Archaria, given a good leathering by Aargol Bargol. Necromantic Ghoul, 27 SPP.
"THat's right, you can't get the stains out of suede. Or sueida."

Image Bait-Block Pure-Goo, killed by the rather long-named Faustus Gratidius Mordanticus. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Homey Vibes, left much homelier after a hit from by Stewart, the Peasant Commander. Dark Elf Witch Elf, 42 SPP.
"Homey Miller, Homey Vibes. Seems like Armorical Football is going home..."
"Three linos on the pitch, all of them are bleeding!"
"Those aren't linemen, Bob!"
"That doesn't matter. Looks like there's some extra special foul play here:"


Image Eumundi Brew, Dark Elf Lineman, 0 SPP and Image Kalax III, Dark Elf Runner, 35 SPP both fouled by Brian, The Scoundrel.

Image Richard Stronglightning, suffering meterological conditions after a bolt from the Blue [Mountains] delivered by Grimnir Axemeister. Wood Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

"Admiral consistency by Bravado there."
"That too. It takes a lot to kill a player fie weeks in a row. Other teams would be barking made."

Image Wess Hearthmann, sent to see his mummy by Leaf Mummyslayer. Dwarf Blocker, 24 SPP.

Image William Dirtywing, paid for by Sold. Norse Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Jersey Mike's Subs, chewed up and spat out by Mobad Lundurn. Elf Lineman, 4 SPP.

But enough of that - here's the special prizes:

The You Can Take It But You Can't Dish It Out Dish goes to Styx & Warpstones, suffering 6 deaths this season without killing a single opponent.

Meanwhile the You Can Dish It Out But Can You Take It Butter Dish is awarded to the Blood Crag Stripes, for four kills without losing a single Skink, Lizard or Saurus.

The It Took You A While But Thanks Anyway Limited Edition Soup Tureen goes to Redgum's Rationalists, who took 6 weeks this season to sacrifice one of their players to Nuffle.

This season's Glass Cannon Glass Cannon goes to the Foulmouthed Hecklers (probably leaving some disgusting stains on the glass) after causing 8 deaths and serious injuries and suffering 15 in return.

The Terrifying Chamberpot of Doom is awarded, as ever, to the most lethal player this season. And this season, no player managed to kill more than two other players, so the Chamberpot is going back on the shelf until next season.

And finally, here's the parade of all those lovely deaths from this season (no star players this time around...):

Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image


Last edited by MrCushtie on Dec 20, 2019 - 22:27; edited 1 time in total

Joined: Oct 12, 2013

Post   Posted: Dec 21, 2019 - 09:10
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The SWL LXXVIX Team Achievements

Turns (1179): Kraka Drak Kneecappers
Completions (12): Skye Hoppers!
TDs (15): Druchii Dynasty
Cas (26): Redgum's Rationalists
SPP (126): Redgum's Rationalists
Passing yards (29): Skye Hoppers!
Rushing yards (250): Druchii Dynasty
Blocks (360): Déjà Voodoo
Fouls (32): Singed Poor Scoundrels
Blocks/Cas (12.8): Redgum's Rationalists
Pass/Cp (4.25): Druchii Dynasty
Kills (6): Redgum's Rationalists

Turns (1155): Blue Mountain Giants
Completions (29): Amateur Professionals
TDs (19): Sakh'Alin Tigers
Cas (29): Trondheim Hammers
SPP (153): Sakh'Alin Tigers
Passing yards (137): Amateur Professionals
Rushing yards (284): Bravado
Blocks (380): More Food for Thawt
Fouls (21): Didgeridead & Waaaaghton Redskins
Blocks/Cas (10.0): Trondheim Hammers
Pass/Cp (6.2): Leopold Leeches
Kills (6): Trondheim Hammers

Turns (1120): Bronzed Raiders
Completions (8): Secret Wasteland Love
TDs (12): Immortalis Inquietus
Cas (29): Bronzed Raiders
SPP (124): Bronzed Raiders
Passing yards (36): Secret Wasteland Love
Rushing yards (220): Bronzed Raiders
Blocks (364): Bronzed Raiders
Fouls (25): Bronzed Raiders
Blocks/Cas (12.8): TingBuDong
Pass/Cp (4.5): Secret Wasteland Love
Kills (5): Malice Renegades!

Image The Unofficial Maester Whippy Dean Douglas Sundae
Image Ian (Trondheim Hammers) 26 spp

The SWL Season LXXVIX Awards

Image Image Jean-François Bertrand (Déjà Voodoo) & ImageBrachycephalus Didactylus IIII (Skye Hoppers!) & ImageHerbad Lim (Cult of the Firedrake) & ImageStevie Johns (SWL Pinch Hitters)5 TDs
Image Image Socrates (Redgum's Rationalists) 10 cas
Image Six players tied - we've run out of bronze hearts, sorry 114 turns
Image Image Jean-François Bertrand (Déjà Voodoo) 138 rushing yards
Image Image Gal (Dead Coast Decimators) 23 pass yards
Image Image Pinkeye Growthspurt (Singed Poor Scoundrels) 16 fouls
Image Image Socrates (Redgum's Rationalists) 69 blocks
Image Image Brian (Redgum's Rationalists) & Image Lenny Ferguson (SWL Pinch Hitters) & Image Paedophryne Amauensis II (Skye Hoppers!) 7 cps
Image Image Cane’s Chicken Fingers (Delmar Night Crawlers) 3.34 block/cas
Image Image Gal (Dead Coast Decimators) 4.6 pass/cp

Image Image Socrates (Redgum's Rationalists) 20 SPP

Image Image Stu Wilson (Amateur Professionals) 11 TDs
Image Image Ian (Trondheim Hammers) 13 cas
Image Image Blood Carnage (Blood Crag Stripes) & ImageSavage Truth (c) (Blood Crag Stripes) 115 turns
Image Image Apostol Alexandru (Leopold Leeches) 156 rushing yards
Image Image Doug Bruce (Amateur Professionals) 145 pass yards
Image Image Tebec (Didgeridead) 11 fouls
Image Image Priygat the Magnificent (Sakh'Alin Tigers) 88 blocks
Image Image Jade (Morning Breakfast Cereal) 18 cps
Image Image The Late The Great (In De Nile) 4.4 block/cas
Image Image Doug Bruce (Amateur Professionals) 9.07 pass/cp

Image Image Stu Wilson (Amateur Professionals) 38 SPP

Image Image Artoria Donatiana (Immortalis Inquietus) 9 TDs
Image Image Wang x Yangming (TingBuDong) & Image Faustus Gratidius Mordanticus (Immortalis Inquietus) 8 cas
Image Image Targ Bronzehammer (Bronzed Raiders), Image Torduken (Bronzed Raiders) & Image Urgulania Italica (Immortalis Inquietus) 111 turns
Image Image Torduken (Bronzed Raiders) 176 rushing yards
Image Image Rhythm of Devotion (Secret Wasteland Love) 24 pass yards
Image Image Claracon (Bronzed Raiders) 18 fouls
Image Image Faustus Gratidius Mordanticus (Immortalis Inquietus) 77 blocks
Image Image Rhythm of Devotion (Secret Wasteland Love) & Image Tummy Boy (Secret Wasteland Love) & Image Daddles Damfino (Lab Rat Elysium) 3 cps
Image Image Wang x Yangming (TingBuDong) 6.38 block/cas
Image Image Rhythm of Devotion (Secret Wasteland Love) 8 pass/cp

Image Image Torduken (Bronzed Raiders) 28 SPP

Joined: Apr 14, 2019

Post   Posted: Dec 21, 2019 - 22:57 Reply with quote Back to top

Early next season prediction just in

"Bob, can you see Ian surviving long enough to make the end of next season?"
"Jim, if I know Nuffle, and I do, I can't see him making it past the first game!"
"I have to agree Bob, most likely a banana skin on the pitch, this big lad is not the fastest and always has to push that extra bit to actually reach his next victim!"
"Well, we will see him in deathwatch soon then Jim. Watch this space fans!"

Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Dec 23, 2019 - 19:44 Reply with quote Back to top

Scoundrels' All-Star labels Awards "A Disgraceful Sham"

In a hastily convened press conference behind the portable toilet/head coach's office, Pinkeye Growthspurt, five-time Bronze Boot and one-time All Star, complained about this season's awards.

"It's a total travesty!" the diminutive gentleman declared.
"What, like one of those plays where they take their clothes off and everyone dies?" asked Irene Shandyhands from the back of the capacity (2) crowd.
"No, that's a tragedy, but that's also what this disgraceful sham has become. You've got some posh not-even-a-proper-goblin fouling more than me this season, and you know that's because the ref has been biassed against us. And me with my poor damaged back, I should be getting special treatment because of that.
"And now only that, but where's Babyshape's award? How many trolls have you seen that manage to intercept a ball? He moves with style and grace, and zero recognition. If Mrs Legneck was alive today, she'd be spinning in her grave with rage!"

Mr Growthspurt stormed out, promising that "his big mate Socrates" was going to help him with his application, demanding that the golden boot be stripped from Claracon and awarded in perpetuity to the Scoundrels "for Services to the Noble Art of the Ground Blitz".

The Scoundrels general manager and head coach were both unavailable for comment, apparently on a package holiday in the Black Mountains with Ladyshape Grumbleflick, the new custodian of the Singed Poor Retirement Home.


Joined: Oct 12, 2013

Post   Posted: Jan 10, 2020 - 20:29
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Once again, the All Star selection was mired in controversy, traced back to another letter-writing campaign orchestrated by the perpetual sulker of the Regionals, Pinkeye Growthspurt. Several members of the committee reported receiving badly spelled messages demanding "all the gobbos get to be on top or else" in the weeks leading up to the decision, while others received large gift hampers filled with stale fish and unfashionable hats. However, while the combination of threats and bribery did lead to some goblinoid representation in the final 11, the eventual elections produced yet more enraged squawking from the Theatre of Breams, that "the wrong kind of goblins were getting all the credit".

While at the end of last season, Pinkeye had managed to persuade other players from the Regionals to join his protest, this season's awards were only interrupted by a series of skinks who had been convinced to run naked through the hall where the award ceremony was taking place, along with a frustrated attempt by the Foulmouthed Hecklers to stink bomb the whole event. Without further ado, here's the LXXIX All Stars!

ImageAll-Stars Season LXXIXImage

Strangely overlooked last season, Socrates was a shoo-in for the line of scrimmage on this season's All Stars. An exemplary performer, this bull rampaged once more through the Regionals, with two kills and two serious injuries in addition to 6 other casualties. However, having achieved Legendary status at the end of the season, the big bull with the heart of gold chose to retire and let a new generation of bovine monstrosities attack the Southern Wastes in the new year.

Despite missing several key games along with the rest of his team due to undisclosed legal difficulties, Wang x Yangming maintained his superlative hit rate, with more than 15% of his blocks leading to a player being injured. If that goat hit you, you weren't staying on the pitch for long. However, fatality fans noted that Wang was conspicuous by his absence from the season's Death Watch, doing nothing more damaging than a single gouged eye throughout.

No name strikes more fear into a Blood Bowl player than Ian, scoring no less than 13 casualties this season. It's been more than 10 seasons since the Bloodstone was awarded, but Ian's gorestained claws are all over it. He brought a undiscriminating love of destruction to the Trondheim Hammers, killing Tomb Guardians and Underworld Goblin Journeymen alike. Only 3 teams escaped the season without Ian breaking at least one of his players - will next season be an unbroken run of injuries? Or will that damaged hip lead to some fatal frenzied follow ups as he falls flat on his face?

Priygat The Magnificent lived up to his name, blocking more times than any other player in the league. With the Silver Knuckles in his grasp he had a strong finish to his season, finishing off Baalzaak III with a good hard elf-on-elf hit in the 6th week of the game. There are suggestions this Wardancer may have peaked too soon - ascending to the Premiership with the Curse of the Death Watch on your back may mean we're looking at another broken Wood Elf before long - but in the meantime we look forward to more malevolent magnificence on the pitch!

Leopold Leeches have made the Season LXXX premier off the back of young Apostol Alexandru, with a fine mix of 10 completions and 4 TDs off a combined 224 yards, and even a Cas early on! His gaze is near irrisistable, his ball handling like the best of elves, not easy to bring down he can forge a path through the heaviest traffic all on his own, or make great use of his team support as best fits the moment. With some reward to show for every one of his first sixteen games, and just as strong in conferences as he was in the regions, this young star's growing career has been one to watch.

Image Image
Fans love them, commentators hate them, but the pairing of Artoria Donatiana and Faustus Gratidius Mordanticus, two fleet-footed players who put the lie to undead only being able to shamble, made a terrific pairing for blocking and touchdowns this season. As the oldest player currently serving Immortalis Inquietus' malign necromancer coach's wiles, Donatina has had a proper rags-to-riches-to-rags-and-back-to-riches career, coming back from a hip injury that would have relegated a lesser player to a permanent grave, and instead learning how to run fast year again. Meanwhile "Funky Faustus" is one of those solid players who shows that wight = might, with three kills to his terribly complicated name. Will anyone be able to swallow these mouthfuls next time around?

Doug Bruce has one good arm, and that's his throwing arm. Not a fumble all season, bides his time for a quick rush forward and chucks it safe and long, time and again secure into the hands of waiting recievers. An all-star team might not want to chuck it often, but when they do, it better work at any range, despite any troublesome chameleons, and with Doug it will for sure.

Speaking of waiting recievers, Stu Wilson was denied a spot in the all stars in LXXIII for the softness of the competition down in the regionals, so this season he buckled down and did even better against conference teams. 11 Touchdowns is outstanding in any season, and that's only half the work he gets through. What a star.

Torduken started his third season up in premier as the Bronzed Raider's primary ball carrier, and by late season had picked up some extra agility to save on fumbles. With a storming squad including both solid young bulls pushing ahead before him, he earned the Touchstone Heart, the Xies-ler-aym Slipper, and the Duke Snakefield Medallion for outstanding performance in the field of general excellence. A hobgoblin, doing all that. Puts the rest of the runners in the league to shame, bravo Torduken.

After killing a Rotter at the start of SWL LXXVIII, nobody heard much from Claracon until he leaped to the top of the fouling table, closing out SWL LXXIX with 18 fouls. Reports from Pinkeye Growthspurt's spokesgoblin (Pinkeye Growthspurt) are that Claracon "should think himself lucky to be safe in the Premiership" as the 1-time All Star and five time Bronze Booter thinks the scroll is rightfully his, having committed only two less fouls in a quarter of the time it took Claracon to get to 21. Apparently Pinkeye had assumed he was a shoe-in for the award, but his staunch supporter, Socrates, had his mind on his impending retirement rather than nominating the battered green midget for a place on the team. This is one of those pointless goblin/hobgoblin rivalries that will run and run, to the boredom of the fans, the disgust of all the other players, and the constant whining noise from the bottom of the Regional Divisions.

LXXIX All Stars
Socrates, Redgum's Rationalists
Wang x Yangming, TingBuDong
Ian, Trondheim Hammers
Priygat the Magnificent, Sakh'Alin Tigers
Apostol Alexandru, Leopold Leeches
Artoria Donatiana, Immortalis Inquietus
Faustus Gratidius Mordanticus, Immortalis Inquietus
Doug Bruce, Amateur Professionals
Stu Wilson, Amateur Professionals
Torduken, Bronzed Raiders - captain
Claracon, Bronzed Raiders

LXXIX Prem Stars
Torduken, Bronzed Raiders
Artoria Donatiana, Immortalis Inquietus
Rhythm of Devotion, Secret Wasteland Love
Wang x Yangming, TingBuDong
Faustus Gratidius Mordanticus, Immortalis Inquietus
Claracon, Bronzed Raiders
Uncle Acid, Secret Wasteland Love
Strawberry, Pugs Not Drugs
The Blood Red Cock of Hell, Blackwater Cockfighters
Aargol Baargol, Lab Rat Elysium
Daddles Damfino, Lab Rat Elysium

LXXIX Conf Stars
Stu Wilson, Amateur Professionals
Apostol Alexandru, Leopold Leeches
Doug Bruce, Amateur Professionals
Ian, Trondheim Hammers
Priygat the Magnificent, Sakh'Alin Tigers
Tebec, Didgeridead
Blood Carnage, Blood Crag Stripes
Sherenga the Enduring, Sakh'Alin Tigers
Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins
On Second Thawt, More Food for Thawt
Dan Dan, Bravado

LXXIX Rising Stars
Socrates, Redgum's Rationalists
Jean-François Bertrand, Déjà Voodoo
Gal, Dead Coast Decimators
Colt Kuntz, SWL Pinch Hitters
Pinkeye Growthspurt, Singed Poor Scoundrels
Legath Doomheart, Druchii Dynasty
Brian, Redgum's Rationalists
Manshape Gutwart, Singed Poor Scoundrels
Herbad Lim, Cult of the Firedrake
Aquinas, Redgum's Rationalists
Rogski Splatterhand, Vermintidе

Note: The All Stars committee is a group effort. Currently numbering 6 members who played a part in the selection and fluffmanship

Joined: May 29, 2011

Post   Posted: Jan 14, 2020 - 03:25 Reply with quote Back to top

The T&P show. Terence's mum say's hi, tells you to watch the season previews.

P: Season 80 had a small hiccough on the way to kicking off, and look at what it's delivered, this is SWL ladies and gentlemen, premier at it's best.

T: We'll see about that, though there's no team you'd pick as obvious walkover, not a single High Elf team in premier, after all.

Image Southern Wastes League: Season LXXX

T: Bronzed Raiders and Immortalis Inquietus are back, neither one looking quite as strong as they were going into the previous season. Those returning to premier look shaky in their own ways, old players sometimes eating deeply into team budgets, but the new squads, look at them, pure skill and power, marvelous records, but will they stand the pain up here?

Image More Food for Thawt 1810. The highest rated team in the competition, look at the players, every one of them experienced, stars like #4 Skoararrirr the Bloody carrying for them and #13 On Second Thawt tearing up any threat to that, who will stand to challenge them? Just their third season, they've stormed up to premier with an 11/4/1 record including 5/1/1 to nearly win the Green Devils conference in season LXXIX. No fat here, just pure built muscle on a diet of the teams that stood in their path thus far. Go the mino!

Image Sakh'Alin Tigers 1760. Next highest rated, and not too far behind until they meet the champion chorfs first game at least, the Tigers have traveled a mirror path, up the other side. Third season, stormed to premier, a near-miraculous 14/1/1 record having gone 7/0/0 in Steaked Conference, and hurting more players than they take injuries along the way thanks to star #2 Priygat the Magnificent. Again, every player experienced, could be a run on to rival the greatest storm ever, PMS, let's see how prem treats them.

T: The premier-winning chorfs first? Ha! Doomed.

P: It's not the team it once was, Terence.

Image Bronzed Raiders 1740. Speaking of defending champions, they've had to let go big Khorarr, but star blockers #4 Kharghaz and #7 Gharzth remain on as team originals, and along with old hand Targ will all break fifty games this season. If they can look after their fabulous young all-star-captain ball carrier #12 Torduken as well as they did last year, the flash young teams may not trouble them quite enough to stop a repeat performance. Solid all 'round, but the loss of key players early could well stop them in their tracks. 5/2/0 last season in premier, that must be worrying for everyone else even with the big retirement.

Image adult swim 1730. Well into their second generation of key players, superstar hitter #5 Squanchy and carrier #8 Vance Maximus, only a few remain carrying the premier rings they won before their break. Still, it's a 13-player squad, well trained, and they qualified for premier on a 4/2/1 showing, which, well, they might need better in premier to win it again, and while the history is there, it doesn't look much like the team is just yet, not to just crush everything in their path as they did in their championship season. They'll need a bit of coaching magic somewhere.

Image Immortalis Inquietus 1710. The undead's only loss last season was to the big premier Chaos team in their first game, but this season they'll hit the new big Chaos last. Have to see them as contenders on the way to that, coach has kept on his old wounded superstar runner #5 Artoria at high cost for what is said to be sentimental reasons, but the budget stretches a long way under the services of a necromancer coach, and fantastic young superstar hitter #15 Faustus Gratidius, along with older injured stars #2 Tertius Salonius and #16 Manius Aurius don't lack in the core skills needed to bring the pain to teams trying anything fancy around them.

Image Bravado 1610. Superstar #1 Dan Dan is back in premier again, with a couple handfuls of young players who'll be asked to stand between him and the pain factory that is SWL premier division. This is a much less skilled team than the other wood elves, but a 5/1/1 record in the Green Devils conference beat the big Chaos team's results with the win over them. You can't ignore that, they pulled a lot of wins out and kept the team growing through the season, and they'll try to do that again here. It's not beyond them, clearly they've beaten teams of this calibre before, but if you'd back them, how would you not back the Tigers even harder?

T: Well, they don't play the champion Raiders until their last game, for a start.

P: That, is a good point, Terence.

Image Leopold Leeches 1580. Ably lead by star vamps #1 Apolstol Alexandru and #2 Cornel Constantine they're another third season team up, and their 9/3/4 record is normally nothing to sneeze at in the SWL, a little behind the new woodies and chaos, but 4/2/1 last season in Green Devils conference, that's deserving of a shot. If they just had some superstars, it's a solid team with a bench and it just feels like they're going to get so much stronger through the season if they survive the early matchups with the vamps intact.

T: Strong enough as it is, looks like to me.

P: Superstar vampires are another thing, Terence, you watch.

Image Styx αnd Warpstones 1370. Secret Wasteland Love had had enough of this place, and it opened the gates of hades to a pair of underworld blitzers who were on their way to a quiet retirement until the SWL Premier season LXXX called them back in. Legend #2 Salamoneus, superstar #3 Erebus, and almost nothing else around them. Star players and wizards are lining up to to offer their services to these little menaces, and if it's anything like last time, they'll nick a couple of wins along the way to another highly credited spoiler act in the greatest show there is.

T: Wins, you say.

P: Yes, wins.

T: Fair call.

T: We await the first game of premier, with a couple of potential legends taking their chances up here, and that gold trophy on offer for whoever masters the competition, Replays as always available later.



Joined: May 29, 2011

Post   Posted: Jan 16, 2020 - 04:43 Reply with quote Back to top

The T&P Show. Bought to you by the sponsors of the third conference.

P: Yes, that's right, three conferences!

T: No, Phillip, there's not.

P: What? No, there is, there's three conferences.

T: No, there was, but the sponsors couldn't afford this and that.

P: So ... two conferences, and the T&P Show!

Image Southern Wastes League: Season LXXX


T: Sixteen teams in conferences is as nature intended it seems, like the endless fires and the choking smoke hazards and the uselessly corrupt world of politics under late-stage capitalism.

Sacred Spawning Conference

T: Praise Sotek, and his great googly eyes.

Image Didgeridead team rating: 1690. The old team is made of mostly younger players, but superstar runner #6 Niabatteroo and his star blocker #3 Moolyarl are starting to get on a bit and must look to promote this season. They've a few other old hands helping and a long bench that should mostly stay with them into the Premier.

Image Redgum's Rationalists team rating: 1640. The team said their goodbyes to the old legend Socrates, and used the money they saved on his vets bills to put a fairly strong group together under star runner #1 Descartes. It's a group of extraordinary young players at the core, but new bull Son of Socrates is their best hitter and Descartes may just be left with too many dodges to make.

Image Pugs Not Drugs team rating: 1620. Superstar wolfs in the shape of runner #1 Strawberry and hitter #2 Chocholate could tear up this conference on their own. But can the two of them spare time to give other players the spotlight they need to grow for the following premier season?

Image Trondheim Hammers team rating: 1610. Home to recent bloodstone repicient and star fluffy boy #13 Ian, the rest of the team has no lack of hitting power too. In fact, it's hitting hard this team is focused on, and if it works for them, they could be unstoppable in getting a good season result.

Image Druchii Dynasty team rating: 1570. Outstanding record to take their regional title last season, now 8/1/0 and running, but conferences is a huge step up. Their young emerging stars have real potential for greatness, but the coach will chase hard wins here and we'll catch up with them next season and see if they matched the prem runs of the Tigers and Thawt squads from season LXXIX, or just got crushed.

Image Skye Hoppers! team rating: 1500. Star baller #1 Paedophryne Amauensis II is well capable of keeping himself out of trouble, and the rest of the team is capable of getting him right back into it. Still no room for a Krox in the sort of tight budgets you end up with trying to please the great old ones, but they've a few tricks besides that if they can keep a team about them.

Image TingBuDong team rating: 1500. A troubled premier season has seen Wang x Yangmin leave the team. They retain some good hitting power and star blocker #4 Li xx Ping will spoil many a plan of teams around them. Winning this is not beyond them, but more likely a chance to build again.

Image Vittra Vixens team rating: 1320. Modest success in the regions sees these ladies up to challenge the big boys in Confs. This will be a struggle, though there's not a lot of tackle about the place so they'll grab the odd win and should hold up enough to not drop down again. They'll be hoping for slightly less cas against than the first game for the rest.

Horrors of Skye Conference

T: But Skye have hopped into the other one, for Sotek!

Image Malice Renegades team rating: 1630. They said they'd made premier too early, so they're back in confs and still with a long bench, though no Minotaur to be seen since Greathoof's shocking pemier death. Star carrier #5 Ykxuszhib The Wretched featured in the season awards in his last conferfence appearence, and managed a few scores up in premier, could well bounce back up.

Image Blue Mountain Giants team rating: 1600. These dorfs had a horrid start last season against the big Lizards, and never really recovered. They'll be hoping their superstars, hitter #1 Flint Warmantle and baller #6 Torgan Silvermead, can start this one much stronger against the same high elves they crushed mid way through last season.

Image Amaeur Professionals team rating: 1590. Star winger #11 Stu Wilson lead his team to victory in nearly every game he stayed on the pitch last season, which wasn't quite enough of them in both senses. There's some eclectic skills on these young elves but no bench and no time for general training outside the specialist coaches required. With some of the hitting power about, the hopeful attitude might just come undone again.

Image Blackwater Cockfighters team rating: 1560. Noble in their premier attempts, these energetic young norsemen will be looking to try again. Star baller #7 Stuart, the End Level Guy will no doubt score a feast of touchdowns again, and star problem-solver and old hand #13 Scotty, the Minstrel may well be enough to carry them back up there. So much energy.

Image We'reWho! team rating: 1530. Modest regional performance first season has lead to the SWL conferences for these young necro. They have the basics covered, and other than some unfortunate heat effects against the Cockfighters first up looked reasonably competative. The two young wolfs in this lot may be something quite special in coming seasons if they can survive the rigours up here. One to watch.

Image Cult of the Firedrake team rating: 1510. These are well skilled young Lizards up from a fair regionals performance. There's a wide spread of useful skills and they really just need that bit extra to make a few games a bit easier with some player removal options beyond the Krox. It's possible these older teams will degrade that quicker than they can build it, but if they build well they'll do well from here.

Image Loec's Loggers team rating: 1500. These wood elves tasted prem a while ago, and found it hard to swallow. They'll enjoy being back in the conferences, and look to build some top players as they get a few better results down here. Nothing special, but don't really need to be to get the job done.

Image Waaaaghton Redskins team rating: 1330. Little orcs? Well, it's just expensive to keep legendary sacker Impak coming back, not to mention star troll #1 Happy Dancer. At least young star baller #7 Sold is happy to play in their shadows. There'll be inducements to help beef them up from here, they might just need them.


P: A touch tighter budgets than the recent conferences, Terence?

T: Just a skill or two here and there lighter, as a few of the heavier hitting teams have taken a break from the league, or had their operation fall apart after coaches were approached with better deals elsewhere.

P: Three conferences next time then?

T: It's always next time, Phillip, we may just have to live with two.

P: And what a wonderful pair of competitions they are, games already played, heat exhaustion common thus far as expected, catch the replays whenever you get a chance, premier chorfs reduced to running it with the tall hats, of all things, hilarious.




Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jan 23, 2020 - 21:20 Reply with quote Back to top

Death Watch Predictions for SWL LXXX
With turnover of some of the heaviest hitters going into this season, it's hard for the casualty-watchers of the SWL Death Watch to make wagers about where the deaths and serious injuries are coming from this year. But, at a hastily convened conference at the Mathematickal Department Of Norscan Peninsula University's Exchange Campus (coincidentally, also the address of the ladies' latrines at the Scoundrels' Theatre of Breams) the following predictions were announced:

Trondheim Hammers - with Ian limping into another season, we expect this team to dish out the most serious injuries and deaths again. Whether they're in line for the Glass Hammer Glass Hammer and the Terrifying Chamberpot of Doom this season or not depends on how that AV7 holds up under pressure...

Orcidas will continue to be the single biggest threat to anyone's health. Last season, more players were died or injured due to tripping over their own feet than from any single player hitting people

Rogue apothecaries need to step up their game. We expect this season we're going to see some doctors choosing to euthanise players rather then let them limp on with embarassing injuries. Anyone getting a groin strain will be named and shamed by Jim and Bob this season.

Niggling is the new Miss Next Game - last season, we had 14 smashed knees vs 15 broken ribs. We're expecting (or hoping for) a lot more minor injuries early in the season that contribute to more deaths later one. Remember, niggles are the gift that keep on giving!

With a lot of young teams in the Reggies, we expect one of them to secure the You Can Take It But You Can't Dish It Out Dish - will it be gentle-hearted Ogres? Kindly goblins? Or some soft-handed elves?

And finally, Pinkeye Growthspurt is going for the all-time fouling record (currently 53 in a single season). Let's see if the plucky fella with the same armour as a halfling makes it to the end of the season, or finds his act cleaned up permanently.


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jan 27, 2020 - 06:28 Reply with quote Back to top

Apothecaries to be banned in SWL LXXXI!

While we're waiting for the first round's death watch to finish being compiled, late breaking news about a big change for next season! An anonymous source provided Jim and Bob with a copy of a secret memo between the league commissioners:

Due to a huge animus decishon, apoffacaries are banned from all teams for next season. Everywun noes dat they're just dere for those rich cheatin' coaches in the so-called Premyership to hide their precious players dat deserve a good kickin. So from now on, when yer dead yer dead, no arguifying about it.

As for those cheatin undead teams, any player who regenerates is expected to stand in the dugout for the rest of the game, and then retire immediatlely afterwoods. And as for Nurgle, dat sort of disgusting filth should be banned totally.

Ground blitzes to be fully legal from next season. Any refereeee who tries to send off a player for applying the honourable boot will be 'ung, drawn and quarta'd.

More on this shock memo as details emerge...


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jan 28, 2020 - 06:19 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch LXXX - Week One

Welcome back, sports fans, for what promises to be another great season in the Southern Wastes. There's thrills, spills, and violent kills! And after weeks of waiting, here we go again!

First up, the double curse of the Death Watch and the All Stars list strikes! Doctor couldn't do a thing to help this hero, a double alumni of the death watch. Let's pause for a moment to consider this highly decorated, and now recently buried, player:
Image Squanchy, squanched like a verruca by Quintis Accius Verecundus. Orc Blitzer, 95 SPP.

Image Blacknails II, had his nails done by Ana Alexandru. Chaos Beastman, 6 SPP.

"A good hit from the vampire there, eh Bob?"
"Yes, but the Curse struck quick - she was limping off with a smashed ankle at the end of that game..."

Image Octavian Dumitru, broken into eight pieces by On Second Thawt. Vampire, 45 SPP.

"It was like a reverse Death Watch there, Jim. Last match of the previous season, Dumitru broke Blacknails II's ankle. But it was the Tomb Guardian he killed in SWL LXXVIII that put the curse on him."

Image Fae Fuschia, from pink to gray after a hit from Pete. Amazon Blitzer, 2 SPP.

Image Mixophyes Fleayi III, had his legs pulled off by the crowd. Frogs can't surf. Slann Blitzer, 18 SPP.

Image Reductio as Absurdum, reduced to a contradiction by Bungaroo. Chaos Pact Marauder, 0 SPP.

Image Kirp the Lamuellan Fisher, bobbitted by Fifi Bobbit. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.

"Bobbited? Isn't that when somebody cuts your -"
"Yes Bob"
"- and then throws it out the window?"
"Yes Bob"
"Ouch! Right, what's next?"
"Well, I used to think sunflowers were good for your health..."

Image Lehends, reached the end, choking on Sunflower. Human Lineman, 0 SPP.

"And this is the highest score of the week - ex All Star, now ex human, ..."

Image Ruler. Human Catcher, 107 SPP.

"The Shaven Gutter Runner, as we all knew him. What brutal monster ruled him out?"
"Er... it was the Orcidas salesman and his malfunctioning shoelaces."

"Finally, two more highly skilled players:"
"Well, they
were before they got the rot..."
Image Kitty, reduced to litter by Mike. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.

Image Puss in Boots, now just pus in boots after a good boning from Bones. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.

"Bob! Bob! I think I need to explain to you what 'a good boning' is."
"Next week, you silvertongued charmer!"

Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Feb 05, 2020 - 14:53 Reply with quote Back to top

"Better than I was" claims Pinkeye Growthspurt, allaying worried fans

While waiting for the Death Watch to finish tabulating the scores for Week 2 of SWL LXXX, we took time out to visit Growthspurt at the Mrs Legneck Has Certainly Stopped Bouncing Memorial Convalescence Home. The injured goblin granted us an interview.

How is your hip recovering?
I'm better than I was. It's just a scratch, and I'll be back in time for week 4 of the season.

Better? What do you say to people claiming you have 'the same statline as a Halfling, but less charm'?

There's always going to be people who are jealous of my achievements. As the most prolific ground blitzer in the modern error, there's always somebody who wants to criti - to creati - to say something nasty about you. I'm just glad I've got my friends.

And that's an incredible display of balloons, flowers and chocolates around your bed. Those were all sent by your friends in the other teams?

That's right. All the other players have been sending me presents and kind words all week. I definitely didn't use all of Manshape's retirement fund cash to pay for them and then claim they came from other people. And anyone who says so is a liar.

Er. We didn't say anything about you sending yourself presents -

- just look at this kind note that Socrates wrote me. "To my dearest little green friend, you are the true captain of the Scoundrels and a real good mate."

Well, that's an impressive note from one of the greats of the SWL. I didn't realise he was now on the commissioner's staff.

Whatcha mean?

Well, that's the same handwriting and the same crayon that was used to announce the banning of apothecaries last week. And it's a bit odd - I didn't think Socrates liked the colour red, so why did he use a red crayon?

(Our interview terminated unexpectedly, when Growthspurt leapt out of bed and tried to punch our reporter. Sadly, his reported broken hip left him on the floor, and we left rapidly afterwards)


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Feb 07, 2020 - 06:30 Reply with quote Back to top

Death Watch SWL LXXX Week Two

A quick one this week, because we're worried about the effects of all these curses:

Curse of the shoelaces!
Image Snuff Pieberry, snuffed out failing a dodge. Halfling, 0 SPP.

Curse of the Injury Watch!
Image Stan the creepy shopkeeper II, Block by Moolyarl. Norse Lineman, 7 SPP. Broke two Dark Elves last season, this season ... probably regretting that chainmail cod piece and t-shirt combo.

Curse of being a lizard!
Image Herbad Rolfr, Block by Brad, The Barkeep. Lizardman Skink, 9 SPP.

Curse of wearing a top hat!
Image Irini Sengir, shown the end of the pier by Seashore Cabaret. Chaos Dwarf Blocker, 9 SPP.

"Irini Sengir, outta here, am I right?"
"Don't give up the day job, Bob..."

Curse of Dread Necromancy
Image Angua von Uberwald, harvested by Rillithel The Reaper. Necromantic Werewolf, 25 SPP.

"Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?"
"He's playing dead a bit too well there, Jim..."

And finally: Curse of Playing Ogres:
Image Chris Farley, Block by Etana of Kish. Ogre, 16 SPP.

Image Crackle, Block by Tikulti Ninurta. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.

Image Pop, Block by Ishme Dagan II. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.

Image Zinger, Block by Shamshi Adad. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Feb 12, 2020 - 05:58 Reply with quote Back to top

Death Watch SWL LXXX Week Three

"Welcome back fatality fans, and after shrugging off last week's curses, there's been some fantastic thumping this week. Plus, we're checking in on the pre-season predictions to see if the predilictions for premature demises are present and correct!"
"So let's get started - there's not the quantity of some weeks, but there's certainly some quality!"

Image Saggisk The Crooked Smile, in a right brouhaha with Bral'ha. Chaos Warrior, 34 SPP.

"Well, Bral'ha certainly turned that frown upside down!"
"A match I'd watch again and again, Jim. I love how there was only one player left on the pitch by the end of the match. Very tidy."
"Well, speaking of clearing things off the pitch, it was a bad time for goblins this week Bob:"


Image Harm, harmed by Rillithel The Reaper. Orc Goblin , 0 SPP.
"Well, what do you expect with a name like that?"
"You could hardly say the same about the next one, could you?"

Image Post Mortum Balloon Animals, burst by Jon The Silastic Armorfiend. Goblin Doom Diver, 25 SPP.
"Doom Divers are like buses, Jim. You wait ages, and then two come along at once!"

Image Biggles The Acrobatic Pigeon, flung a bit too hard into the pitch by Manshape Gutwart. Goblin Doom Diver, 19 SPP.
"You know, that's the second goblin with Block that Manshape has killed. I guess he doesn't like rivals, does he?"
"No. But what do you think was going through Biggles' mind in his last moments?"
"His knees, Jim, probably, followed by his feet."
"Well, I suppose it follows the Scoundrels' long term strategy of denying their competitors casualties..."

Image Jeigo, taken to bits by Merc Ogre (). Chaos Dwarf Hobgoblin, 0 SPP.

"Jeigo, Jenga, whatever. Dead, dead, DEAD!"
"Angry, Bob?"
"No, I just don't like those fake 'hob'goblins sneaking into the goblin section to steal all the credit!"


Image Scotty, the Minstrel, made to play a different tune by Frank Oliver. Norse Lineman, 61 SPP.
"There's a lineman who had the Curse Of The Serious Injury Watch hanging over him for a while, Jim. Not a single kill to his name, but all those smashed hands and hips were teasing Nuffle."
"And you don't tease Nuffle!"

Image Glart Smashrip, pickled by Mr. Pickles. Glart Smashrip, 0 SPP.
"Not much of a star player, was he?"
"You're sounding quite bitter, Bob."
"Not as bitter as ... pickles!"

Image Spider, had all his legs pulled off by Salamoneus. Orc Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Big Jay’s Fish Chicken & Shrimp, left listening to some of those hippety hoppety tunes forever by Raekwon McMillan. Elf Catcher, 0 SPP.

Image Meowth, surfed into the crowd. Nurgle Bloater, 0 SPP.
"They're never going to catch them all that this rate, Bob!"
"I'm just trying to get down with the kids by referencing a cultural phenomenon from twenty years ago."
"Oh. OK, Jim."
"Anyway, that's ten of the best for this week. Now as we approach the halfway point of the season, let's check out how our predictions are doing:"

The Trondheim Hammers were tipped to get their hand on the Glass Hammer Glass Hammer, but with a for:against ratio of 2.333, they've been hitting far too hard this season without taking many injuries. And that's with Ian failing to live up to last season's success. What about the Terrifying Chamberpot of Doom? Well, we're just too scared to talk about it, thanks!

The Orcidas salesman is slipping back a bit, due to an incredible showing by the crowd so far this season - 5 deaths and serious injuries from surfing.

Niggling is predictably popular, with nine smashed knees so far. Still, smashed hands and gouged eyes are equally popular, among players looking for a mid-season break.

The You Can Take It But You Can't Dish It Out Dish is going to be tricky this time around. Bone Head Train have taken the most serious injuries and deaths so far, but with the Bloody Sphynxes suffering three serious injuries for every one they supply, the ogres are behind in the race.

And how's Pinkeye Growthspurt's record breaking fouling attempt going? Well, let's see if he wants to retire or not this season first...

Still, there's everything to play for as we go into the second half of the season! For now, sit back, relax and look at the parade of dead and broken players:

Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image [Rumbelow] Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image

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