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ozjesting



Joined: Jan 27, 2004

Post 16 Posted: Jun 25, 2004 - 04:16 Reply with quote Back to top

Ed Harsh here for Herd and Hoof Magazine

DEVIOUS! The true nature of the "Thesis Experiment Rig" (TER) have been partially discovered and it is EVEN WORSE than imagined!!! As previously thought it does indeed have Temporal Warp capacity. The Round 2 game was scheduled for this Sunday but with a push of the button, WHOOSH...suddenly the Black Crowes found themselves setting up to kick-off this Friday morning! At first it didn't seem so bad...but then it ws noticed that the coaches box was empty! So the TER can indeed block the presence of the GREAT UNSEEN as well!
But readers, the most SINISTER mode was as of yet undiscovered. It appears the most powerful use of the TER is to TARGET TWAHNLOW MEDAL HOLDERS!!! An affront to all that is sacred to the SWL! At first this went un-noticed as JealousGuy began with a blitz on a catcher but could only manage a push. Not unusual..he takes a bit to warm up. But it was soon noticed that EVERY block JG made was a push...and on the one occassion someone was knocked over he didn't even stun him!
This hypothesis was confirmed when Copper Slipper holder, MorningSong, was tripped up on a GFI at the goal line with a RR in hand. Side effects were noticed as well...TER seems to put out it's signal in such a high pitch wail that Lions the Mino was driven to distraction and couldn't do a thing the entire half but stand still and cover his ears!
As if all this wasn't enough...in T3 of the second half as the Crowes were sweeping wide on an overlap, the Temporal Warp was once again engaged and the ENTIRE GAME disappeared from view. As of this writing no-one knows where the 2 teams are or what will happen! So for the sake of Div 2 and all that is good and proper about the SWL let us hope that this awful technology brings them back so the game can be finished.
We will stay on the story and let you know what happens as soon as we have news at hand. But for now, cover your Twahnlows and pray for the best.
Sparticus



Joined: Jan 31, 2004

Post   Posted: Jun 25, 2004 - 05:03 Reply with quote Back to top

And now fotr a special Report from our newist reporter ImaGanaBeGot,

yes im here with the highest paid player in the SWL, Steel Stealer,
"So how does it feel to have surpassed The Duke"
"Well surprised at first, i didnt actauly realise that it had happend, but now that im being paid what im worth now, they have decided to take me out and teach me how to block, which is good cause i was getting hit afair bit."
"And your hopeing that will slow down the amount of Hate on the pitch for you"
"Well yes i dont know if its like this for anyone else but when ever i fall down theirs about 6 guys from the other team around and they kick the crap outta me"
"well its to be expected, in Blood Bowl , how do you feel about your nick name that you have recived "The Abomination".
"I like it, everyone has got to have one and if mines that im cool with it"
"you missed out on a Twahnlow this season, but your Brother Hope Stealer won the Copper Star any sibling rivarly there between you?"
"yer a little it would have been nice to get one as its what everyplayer dreams of, it just wasnt my season"
"What do you think of the Dream's Chances this season"
"were trainning harder, playing faster, and we are comming to get YOU DUKE!!!"
" There we have it thankyou Steal, and goodluck surviving Season 5"

"Signing off ArmaGanaBeGot"
chunky04



Joined: Aug 11, 2003

Post   Posted: Jun 30, 2004 - 05:11 Reply with quote Back to top

Irite Stuff here with another interview with the Head Coach of I-House Chunknanimous.

I Stuff: Can you tell us about the aspersions cast upon your team by one Ed Harsh?

Chunk: He's absolutley correct! That thing should get the Pullitseadoff Prize for journalism, he actually knows his stuff, unlike you you whiney little pleb! We do indeed have a TER, though he incorrectly thinks it's a thesis experiment rig. That was actually just a codename. It's really a Twahnlow Eating Reticulator, and it acts to nullify the powers of Twahnlow medal winners on the pitch.

I Stuff: So was this repsonsible for the demise of Richie II and Jealous Guy in your last game?

Chunk: Betcha ass it was! It's still experimental of course, it's not supposed to effect our own players, not that I'm really missing that primadonna anyways.

I Stuff: So the rumours of your strained relationship with Richie II are true?

Chunk: Hell it's not rocket science you idiot. Nobody liked that asshole, so it stands to reason that I don't either.

I Stuff: What of rumours you had bets and bounties out for his death?

Chunk: How could I possibly have any control over such a temperamental device as the TER, despite me having invented it. Honestly. Though I will tell you this, the minute I get that thing working fully, I'll be clearing outta here, away from these stuck up jerks to coach a real team! Interviews over, and bugger off you little maggot!

_________________
chunky - you are eloquence on legs
ozjesting



Joined: Jan 27, 2004

Post   Posted: Jun 30, 2004 - 07:09 Reply with quote Back to top

Ed Harsh here for Herd and Hoof Magazine

Well the story comes to a close readers and it as ugly and awful as JealousGuy was hard and beautiful.
The TER blinked the game back into existence just as BoomersStory was crossing the line to tie the game at 1-1 early in the second half. As the second half started it appeared the I-House boys had "got the ref" but in a shock mistake the Temporal Warp function of the TER was accidently engaged and a quick shift back in time suddenly saw the Humans looking up at a Blitz from the Crowes! One could almost imagine that the GREAT UNSEEN had finally broken through the grip of the TER and extracted his revenge. But alas it was not so. As the kids made their way up the wing the TER engineers frantically worked in overdrive to get the horrible thing re-focused. And sadly friends they got the job done. As JealousGuy
picked up the ball and was about to score the winning TD he was blasted by the full force of the TER beam...some unsubstantiated reports say the knob went all the way to 11...and JealousGuy was COMPLETLY VAPOURISED! The official scorers gave credit for the kill to Camo the Blitzer...but we all know that is just more Human deviousness to cover up this wretched technology.

A sad day indeed for the Black Crowes and the reatives of our fallen warrior. In a special release to raise money for the "Kids" Hospital...JealousGuys favourite charity....Lions the Mino has released a special RIP version of his ode to the Clawed one He Hurts You 'Cause He Hurts Get it now while supplies last!
SonofSharkboy



Joined: Feb 04, 2004

Post   Posted: Jul 03, 2004 - 06:20 Reply with quote Back to top

NEWSFLASH


New Orc on the Block andycapp certainly doesn't need any Handycapp when it comes to bruising up other teams!!

Without a smidgen of remorse we see him turn perennial rookie killer Mr. Whippy's Donut Boys into fresh batter!

In an echo of this bruisefest except with Jezebell somehow pulling out a win (rumours their coach showed up for the match just after hitting the cans have yet to be proven), Wanna Beatin shows their skill at the kill!

This reporter suggests giving plenty of thought when preparing to go toe to toe with the SWL's newest coach!! Keep up the good work ... but how bout on some elves!!?!!
SonofSharkboy



Joined: Feb 04, 2004

Post   Posted: Jul 03, 2004 - 11:57 Reply with quote Back to top

Are you ready for some ELFBALL!!? The Division 3 has a huge battle for first place this week with HFC battling the Western Sydney Wonders in a no holds barred um er ... ok maybe it won't be too violent. It's two high powered offenses though so it will be exciting!!! Should be interesting once we find out the odds on this one!
JoeKano



Joined: Aug 30, 2003

Post   Posted: Jul 04, 2004 - 15:49 Reply with quote Back to top

Tomorrow nights game for top o the table in Div 3 looks like being a thriller full of unrestrained nancy pancy elfy action folks. If you are tuning in to see the blood fly you will probably be disappointed but if your interest is in high stepping and incredible ball handling we expect you won't be disappointed....

HFC have had an easy season so far with solid wins against both the divisions Rat teams. And both times the Rats have gone away licking their wounds and vowing vengeance another day...HFC are carrying injuries to some of their better linemen but in general are looking good and healthy and raring to go, although there form in general has been indifferent with only 7wins out of 16 careeer games. These two teams have met on the green field of battle once before with their opponents taking out the day and in the words of HFC's coach they were "Out classed and outplayed by the Wonders.....

Western Sydney Wonders are also undefeated this season but both games have been long grueling affirs that have seen the Wonders squeak home against a determined Sewer Pipe Dream and only their superb ball handling kept them in it after playing Div3's hard men, but squishy, the rotters if Iridine Gladiators, the game also saw them lose their Kicker Frenzy so that all important deft touch at the kickoff, so important to the strategies of so many Elf sides will be missed. For all that the Wonders have a superb career record and look set to only improve.

Im tipping the Wonders by One to go top of the Division.

Whether they will stay there remains to be seen as both sides have yet to face the Brutes of Kano's Black Tide, this warband come Bloodbowl side slaughtered its last opponent the Trasheaters and is looking to dish out similar poundage on the much fancied Sewer Pipe Dream before turning its sights on the Wonders and HFC. The Tide are looking a much improved outfit this season and seem more willing to handle the ball and focus on taking out the game and then their opponents, a failing that had seen them go two seasons without a win. The Dream are hoping to wake up and smell roses, being skaven, rotten ones of course, after a disastrous last season that saw them completely underperform, but with losses to 2 Elven sides already under their belt, i don't think it likely that the Tide is going to go out just yet....The Tide by One in a brutal match, that will see the Dream try every trick they have to stay ahead,but the rugged resilience and new found focused attitude of the Tide will i think be a bit too much for them to cope with. The last time these two sides met ended in a draw on the scoreboard for the Dream but a loss on the field losing a solid lineman. Last time though they were without the Super Rat Steel Stealer so he might be able to turn it around but the Tides overall depth and resilience will wear the Dream down. If the Dream can get the scores on the board in a hurry at the outset and then wear away at the Tide they may yet walk away with the win.

Tipparary Trasheaters, fresh from their drubbing and the death of their much beloved Rat Ogre Digest would be hoping for an easy game, but i don't think the Iridine Gladiators are going to give it to them. The last time these two sides met was a one all draw that the Trasheaters paid for with blood and guts and gore. I fully expect them to have to pay the butchers bill again and this time go down in a loss. The Gladiators by Two in this one.

Well this is Bob Borc here for the Bloody Show!, sunday night edition. Stay tuned for more great BB action as Executive Chef and Bloodbowl Starplayer Rushem brings you Surprise Meat! the post game BBQ show.......

_________________
"Take the Strength, crush the opposing linemen, drive them broken before you and hear the lamentation of their Cheerleaders!!!"
Image
chunky04



Joined: Aug 11, 2003

Post   Posted: Jul 04, 2004 - 17:12 Reply with quote Back to top

Division 2 really seems to be heating up! Currently the closest division by far, there is only one point separating 1st from 5th!

In a tie at the top of the division with a win and a draw, and the only undefeated teams thus far, are the old rivals, Black Crowes and I-House. Both took some lumps in their epic Round 2 draw however, as two Twahnlow medalists from Season 4 kicked the bucket! Have both teams effectively knocked each other out of the running?

I a three way tie for second, each with a win and a loss are the rock hard Southside Stone Crushers, mobile Lords of War, and powerful War Lizards. In an upset from this correspondents point of view, the Lords of War ended the Crushers run, as they had been undefeated since first qualifying for division play. They now face a greatly weakened I-House in Round 3, and with a much healthier, agile and mobile lineup, they would have to be considered the favourites in this matchup. I'm going to tip an upset though (surprise!) and pick I-House by 1.

Meanwhile, the Crowes have a game to recover against the cellar dwellers of Divison 2, Tenebrae, who've lost by 2 in both games. With much of the sting taken out of the Crowes blows however, this game could be Tenebraes best chance yet this season. Crowes by 1.

And last but not least, the Crushers and the Warlizards will meet to determine who stays in contention for the Division 2 crown, and who bows out to wait till next season. This game will largely depend on which side gets their players in the right positions, with Warlizards skinks very vulnerable, but their Saurus capable of doing some damage. We pick a draw!

This is Irite Stuff signing off, and looking forward to some more red hot Division 2 action!

_________________
chunky - you are eloquence on legs
SonofSharkboy



Joined: Feb 04, 2004

Post   Posted: Jul 06, 2004 - 03:30 Reply with quote Back to top

HFC Wins!!!

In a stunning display of elfball excellence, HFC shows their continued upswing as a powerhouse in division 3 with a strong win over the less than lucky Western Sydney Wonders. Proving many spectators wrong, HFC sure got the blood flowing early with an attempted execution of an up and coming Wonder Lineman. While Luck may have been a factor, it was Zeroalpha's excellent coaching in the end that won him this great game! Does the excitement ever stop!!???
Twahn



Joined: Aug 02, 2003

Post   Posted: Jul 06, 2004 - 13:36 Reply with quote Back to top

And now... here's a Special Report, brought to you by the good people at Carlton Breweries, from our Crowdside Sportsman, Paul Thamdown.
This week he's been roving the 1st Division, getting the low down on where they're sitting as we start to get into the meat of the season...

Paul Thamdown: Greetings to all you Sportsfans out there!
Well, what a jolly good season this is turning out to be in the first Division for all you lovers of good Bowl and good Beer!
Offhandedly and uninspiringly dubbed the 'zombie division' at the start of the season, on account of the swollen masses of living dead that seem to fill half the teams competing, this division has seen a great number wishing, I would think, that they were truly dead! Yes sir, the first couple of round have really rattled a few bones!

Now as sure as we all know that the best cold beer is a beer from Carlton, we all know that the best damn Bloodbowl team is from Carlton too, and I must say, the boys are really putting on a show for us this season!
Fronting up for a 3 match slog against the armies of darkness, those stern, hard men have really buried a few bones to finish off round 3 with an 8-1 Touchdown record, a clear winning record, and a well deserved spot on top of the ladder. I caught up with SWL Superstar Duke Snakefield in the rooms after their latest match...


Duke Snakefield: "Sure Pauly, I got a few words for the fans.
One sec Zarz baby, just gotta do the PR thing, then we'll do the other thing yeah?
So yeah, we been doing pretty good stuff against these undeads you know. I think if the team can play good Bowl and score lots of Touchdowns we'll be looking good to bring this season home and get back into the Premier again. Scoring Touchdowns is the key to winning the game I think... yeah."
Oh yeah, and... ahh... Can you smell what the Duke is Drinking? Yeah."


Paul: Indeed. With Carlton signing on the bountiful talents of Zara the Slayer for both their games against their latest two Mummy loaded opponents, Carlton now bid her a sad farewell. A couple of their biggest stars are rumoured to have become quite attached to the little ball of stake giving death.

Next up for the current table toppers are former Premier League rivals Slumbering Skink. I don't know what kind of brew they're drinking in the land of Slumbering at the moment, but it sure ain't gonna be one of the fine brews from Carlton, available in a bottleshop near you, and so I won't bore you by Sports Fans out there by dwelling too long on their season to date. Suffice it to say that they are also apparently unbeaten and many are saying that it looks to be a First Division top spot playoff that we've got coming our way when these two meet in the next round!
Personally I think that those Lizards have got about as much chance as an alcoholic nymphomaniac in a room full of Carlton Beer Babes(tm) giving out free bottles of their latest brew, ThickSkull(tm), but hey, everyone's got an opinion eh?

Anyway, that's the wrap on the SWL's up-and-comers from the First Division. Our broadcast will continue after a quick break for a word from our sponsor, the good people at Carlton Breweries.
Well that's it from me. I'm Paul Thamdown, and I say when you get them down, kick 'em!"

_________________
Founder of the Southern Wastes League

DonTwahn's Dungeon = Cheap Miniatures! Check it out...
SonofSharkboy



Joined: Feb 04, 2004

Post   Posted: Jul 07, 2004 - 14:19 Reply with quote Back to top

Iron, team mogul for the Western Sydney Wonders walks up to the podium...


Ahem. As spokeself for the up and coming swl shining star team, the Western Sydney Wonders, it is my undue honour to speak for the team at this press conference. I have with me a prepared statement created with the assistance of team lawyers, coaching staff, and apothecary squad. It is our intention, and more so hope, that what I am about to say before you is fully understood along with any ramifications that may result from it now and in the future. Furthermore, if there should be any confusion by ANYONE at ANY time, not just from now until our round 4 match, but throughout the future of the Western Sydney Wonders and including all matches played and the time before, during, and after said games, then said persons, beings, greenskins, mammals, things, and etcetera should immediately contact the legal representatives of the Western Sydney wonders for immediate clarification and open communication in order to clear up any indescrepencies or misunderstandings.

I'd ask that after this statement all questions be immediately forwarded to the legal team we've assembled just through the foyer here. Do not hesitate for a moment if you have even the slightest twinge of concern, doubt, or incomprehension.

*clears throat*


"We are not rats. Thankyou."
neverborn



Joined: Aug 02, 2003

Post   Posted: Jul 07, 2004 - 14:34 Reply with quote Back to top

Some news from a very dissapointed chaingang camp, who managed to snatch a draw from the jaws of victory against the adepts this week:

"It is with great glee that I am announcing the death of our teams physician, Dr Kevorkian, he had commited suicide by shooting himself in the head 24 times after stabbing himself in the chest some 45 times and exposed himself to a long beating before hand. His incompetence of late was seen as a motivation for his suicide.

His replacement is yet to be named."
JoeKano



Joined: Aug 30, 2003

Post   Posted: Jul 07, 2004 - 15:55 Reply with quote Back to top

It is with a sad and heavy heart that we here at Channel BB! have to bring you the following news.....

Earlier tonight, at 8:57 Rushem, jersey number #5 for Kano's Black Tide, Orc Blitzer, Executive Chef and presenter of the one and only greatest post game BBQ show Surprise Meat! was killed in a tragic sporting incident.

It was still mid way through the first half when Rushem stepped forward and flattened the Sewer Pipe Dream Rat Ogre Bashitz Tabitsis and crippled him, then there was sudden swirl of fog, and when the scene cleared once again Rushem stepped forward only to this time see Bashitz hit the green sward without injury. The vile filthy creature then leapt to its feet and struck our faithful presenter and smashed him to the ground, driving his helmeted head two feet into the ground with the force of the mighty blow.

A stunned crowd was hushed and silent as the teams doctor rushed forward in a desperate attempt to save Rushem only to find he had used his last vial of healing potion on The Black Tides Troll Duh Watt's!

Rushem was stretchered from the field and pronounced dead at the post game BBQ where he was ceremonially cooked and eaten along with Sewer Pipe Dreams #3 Garthrkon, #9 Black Stealer and #10 Light Stealer and the Black Tides #7 Smushem.

Rushem was a three season veteran of the SWL with a career tally of 19 games, 2 TD's, 17 Casualties, including one opposing player fatality in his last game as he was gathering meat for the post game BBQ that he eventually became a part of, 3 MVP's, earning 55 Star Player rating points, status as a Star Player of the SWL, and was twice a Copper Knuckle Winner. His team, his fans, and his avid viewers will sorely miss him.

Both teams are reported to be saddened by their losses but very well fed, although the standard of the post game food was nowhere near the usual quality Black Tide opponents have come to expect.

In Honour of Rushem we will be having a 48 Hour Marathon of all his cooking shows on Channel BB! this weekend.

Coach Kano was asked for his comments but declined to make a statement as his mouth was full at the time......

_________________
"Take the Strength, crush the opposing linemen, drive them broken before you and hear the lamentation of their Cheerleaders!!!"
Image
Sparticus



Joined: Jan 31, 2004

Post   Posted: Jul 08, 2004 - 03:47 Reply with quote Back to top

ImaGanaBeGot here with head coach of the Sewer Pipe Dream, Sparticus

"a very costly win over the black tide can you recover?"
"ya damm right it was, players like Black Stealer are unreplacable, and will be sorely missed. hell yes we can come back we got a season to finish."
"you would you care to comment of the strange occourance with Bashitz Tabitsis and what really happend there?"
" well seems the secrets out, we actualy hold the warp stone... so a few changes in time and we "fixed" the situation, worked suprisingly well thou"
" are the rumours that within the stealer family their was a marrage between a Black orc and a Gutter runner founded?
"NO COMMENT"
" is it true the dream refused to eat the players at the end game BBQ?"
"HELL YES its true would you put that philthy orc in your mouth?, we got no idea where hes been"
"with all the new blood in that will have to be comming into the "Dream" would you say that you are rebuilding?"
"yes , and i would like to take this time to introduce you to the newest addition to the team Faith Stealer yes quick suprisingly strong and we look forward to him opening up the running game for the team,"
"and the team witch doctor failed to show up for todays match, are those rumours true?, and where is he now? is he availble for comment?
" yes he idnt show for todays game, and we have to eat something at the BBQ didnt we, hes currently useing the warp stone to grow back all of his limbs"
(background) Bashitz Tabitsis " DID YOU WANT THE LEG COACH????"
"Well i have to get back to the team"

"well there you have it folk's comments from both teams opon what has got to be one of the bloodiest games in SWL history with a record 6 Deaths in the game, and surely there will be no love loss between theses two teams, With the picnic to come and another chance for theses 2 teams to meet again i think the gentelmen will be left in the reserves box."

reporting for Channel BB! ImaganaBeGot

I
theopacman



Joined: Jan 26, 2004

Post   Posted: Jul 09, 2004 - 17:25 Reply with quote Back to top

SHOCK RETIREMENT
RIP Slasher werewolf of the Citadel Ancients has decided to follow his brother into retirement after Ancients management decided not to agree to his demands for more pay(an extra halfling for the aftergame BBQ).
RIP : I see Rage sittin in the commentry box chewin on fling legs and I's down here i think me was a bit silly so finish on top
(ed: he scored a TD and 2 CAS in his farewell game)
Necromancer : Werewolves AAAghh who needs em..ball hogs never count on em in crunch time ..then he wants an extra fling and i said no way there isn''t enough left after we use them to patch up More Blood and More Guts.
RAGE : hehehehehehe now Rolf gotta sit between two wolfies heheheeh now he be careful what come out of that stunty mouth.

_________________
Is that a Hoof on your head.....Zzoing
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