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 Issue 5 - January 20, 2505
Stunty League Summary
by Dooby

I hereby attempt to summarise my vast knowledge of Stunty Leeg into a few well chosen words to describe each of the races I have encountered in my life as an apothecary…

1) Top of the shop. Nurgling
Nurgling are to Stunty what a hammer is to a nail: there to bash it unwaveringly into a hard object, often the pitch, more often something less giving. There is little call for my services as they tend to regenerate quite nicely themselves, which keeps them on the pitch and allows superior numbers to overwhelm most other teams. I don’t get close to the beasts if I can help it, but they like to get close to me with those tentacles, especially if I fail to heal a niggle during the match. Tactics include: hit, hit hard and if that doesn’t work... hit harder.
Rating 8/10.

2) Skinks.
Skinks have gone through some changes recently, I think the unions got involved and said they couldn’t have certain races in their teams Suits me, really! Since those changes went through demand for my services has increased dramatically. Good lads the skinks, not ones to be around though if you're outmatched in a fracas at the after-match celebratory party. I’d fancy outrunning a fling or two but you think these guys are fast on the pitch, wow, chased by opposing fans they’re twice as quick.
Rating 8/10.

3) Pygmy.
New guys on the block. There was a lot of discussion when these guys first appeared in the Leeg. I saw a few matches and thought they were impressive, but they are a bit fragile. Now, fragile is a term we apothecaries have to train 4 years in Blood Bowl Medical College to use with authority. What it means to the average supporter is that your best players are often injured. Those Jaguar warriors strut around like their droppings don’t stink. I say they should spend less time preening themselves and more time putting on some armour... it’d make my job easier.
Rating 7/10

* * * Did you know...
An orc team by the name of Garmondz Frendz tried to enter the ranks of Stunty Leeg after twelve straight defeats in the big leagues. Not the brightest of teams, they decided to cut off their legs from the knees down to convince the referee they were goblins. They still beat a halfling team 1-0 before blood loss overtook them.
4) Goblin.
Ah, I have fond memories of goblin teams. There was this one time at band camp... no that’s a different story. Goblins are your average Joes of the Stunty world: fast enough to be runners, strong enough to be bashers... just not quite enough of either to be really effective. One of the best cheaters in the business and they pay well, which means they attract some good star players. Trolls are always trouble though, you just can’t rely on them for those all important blitzes and you should see the mess when they eat one of their own players... well, actually the mess is about four hours afterwards. You thought goblins stunk when they were alive!
Rating 6/10.

5) Fairies.
Now fairies are a class act. Those Leprechauns are as generous as they are funny; always pay in gold coins for some reason... Because they are perceived as weak, fairies have the advantage of surprise versus some of the newer teams out there. I have seen plenty of fairy teams out-bash Snotling teams before now. A good tactic if none of your trees turn up is simple – play a three-fairy defence and hope they take four or more turns to score. If they delay, you're on easy street. If they push for a second, put up all your team and hope for a nippy Pixie to do what they’re paid for. Either way, the most impressive sight in Stunty Blood Bowl is the start of the second half with 3 tonnes of wood waiting for the opposition on the line of scrimmage.
Rating 7/10.

6) Strigoyan.
Now strigs are a funny lot. They never go out during the day, they hate mirrors – so they look awful and, worst of all, they never cut their toenails. Once on the pitch, they are a different clove of garlic. Too dependent on key players, they can get overpowered if their luck's out and a very aggressive team can see them in the grave (so to speak).
Rating 7/10.

7) Chaos Flings.
Never to be overlooked, because they are one of the few teams to fully employ chainsaws. They say it’s to do ice sculpting after the match, but I’m not too sure about that. Fully protected, these petrol-fume-filled freaks will chop you down to size in minutes. I had a job when employed by a goblin team that came across a chaos fling side. Suffice it to say sixteen men started the match but I had to collect over thirty body parts. Trolls with tentacles – whats that all about?
Rating 6/10.

* * * Did you know...
Naggi Maggara of the halfling mob Eggmonton Spoilers was once offered a professional contract with rival hobbit team Shortstuff Scurriers. Since Naggi is currently top scorer in Stunty Leeg, the Scurrier coach shortstuff offered the obligatory bung to the Spoilers coach Flaymin for his services (normally three or four hot crossed buns from Mrs Miggin's Eatery). Flaymin begrudgingly let Naggi speak to their representatives, who were all set to sign the pudgy star when fate intervened. Naggi had just had another great game when he received a nasty injury... when leaning over a particularly large bowl of delicious-smelling complimentary stew from one of his loyal fans, he had slipped and fallen in, causing third-degree burns! No amount of rest and recuperation could fully heal the faintly smoking fling as his shot slipped away. He is now back on course for another shot at the big leagues having scored an amazing five touchdowns in a game versus Umbala's chaos fling line-up Pasila Laktu Vimaturesis.
8) Halflings.
They’re short, fat and lazy... and that’s just the fans. It is said in Fling folklore that you have to be the seventh son of a seventh son to play Blood Bowl. Well, to be any good as a fling you have to be something different... like a different race. They are slow and weak, they can’t run the ball; they can’t pass the ball. They are always injured; in fact the first day on the job I got lost and walked into the local fling hospital, twenty flings lying with broken legs, arms, and noses. It was only when I asked one of them where the Halfling team was that they told me: “We are the team!” The only bright point is the Trees. Even they have their downsides, they are slow they don’t turn up for matches but when they hit a goblin... hmmm... it makes you proud to be a fan to see one hit clean out of the stadium.
Rating 4/10.

9) Snotlings.
Mad, bad and dangerous to know. That is what you have to be to like watching them play ball. That is of course when they bother to play the ball. Built for destruction just like the Nurgling but unlike their counterparts they can often self destruct, allowing you to waltz in for numerous touchdowns. Not a team for the faint-hearted.
Rating 4/10.

10) Squig Herders.
Nuts, absolutely nuts. They have potential but never seem to show it. It’s said the worst job in Blood Bowl is cleaning the Squigs' teeth. I disagree, I’ve seen those teeth and I’m certain they’re never cleaned. Capable of retiring any team and capable of losing 6-0 - all dependent on pure luck. Not a team for the purists.
Rating 3/10.

11) Cheaters.
Two things about cheaters you must know: never play poker with them, and the ref is not their friend. If properly constructed early in ther career, cheaters teams can be quite effective. Lose the ball and chain, play dirty players and 'saws and when I say play dirty players I mean PLAY dirty. Nothing worse than a cheater team that doesn’t foul. Cheaters are most effective when they reduce the opposition by more than the referee reduces them.
Rating 5/10.

12) Gnomes.
Why they even bother is beyond me. Truly inept. They rely on bombs and a couple of half decent Blitzers. What often remains is a decimated team that can’t compete in any area. My advice is simple: if you’re a fan, go and watch skinks instead.
Rating 2/10.

 
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