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 Issue 5 - January 20, 2505
FUMBBL Classifieds: For Sale

  • CHEERLEADERS WANTED - Due to recent pitch invasions and sideline mishaps the Cheerleader Union is looking for some new girls. Are you tough enough? Do the right parts bounce when you jump up and down? Can you fit in a skirt? Does that sight of blood excite you? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are eligible. We are looking for agile, strong-minded women of all races to fill out our ranks. We offer a dental plan and training in crowd control practices. Other benefits include sideline seats to games, chances at dates with the some of the top players and, of course, a chance to throw the hurt on rowdy fans! If interested ,please come down to our offices and schedule an interview. Located at Office #3748 in the League Central Building.

  • SKAVENBREW - Are your skaven dying at an alarming rate? Are you tired of your whole team having to block a single crummy dwarf? Have you just lost your mutated rat ogre to a stray case of butt cancer? Clan Pestilens has been producing Skavenbrew for over 100 years. We have the best tradition in illegal or otherwise dangerous substances. But without you, the suckers that buy our dope, we would be nowhere. So next time you want to dope your useless players, remember that we were there before you even took your first shot.

  • RED BAT - Is your supply of fresh blood a little thin? Are you worried of licking your way into AIDS ? Old Mina not so fun to suck anymore? Then try Red Bat!
    Red Bat offers you top quality fresh blood, guaranteed without diseases or genetically modified components. For that godlike taste of neck, try Red Bat Classic. Or fortified Red Dwarf Bat, with 10% alcohol taken directly from the victim! All our blood is perfectly natural, fresh from unsuspecting victims. No goblin fanatics are used in the production process. Really! Honest!

  • SNOTLING RAGS - When you spill something nasty on your living room carpet, like your enemy's blood, or perhaps a cucumber sandwich, then you want something guaranteed to get rid of those unsightly stains. Snotling is the most trusted name in rag technology. Use a Snotling rag today, and you'll never see that stain again! Mainly because it adds a brilliant green sheen!
  • LOOKING FOR A FUN NEW JOB? - Try being a referee. No experience needed. You will receive lots of attention, not only from the fans but the players as well. It's the safest job on the field. While it's true that we don't offer benefits, we do guarantee prompt payment at the end of each match. We offer high payment for low amounts of work. Higher payment also possible depending on skill, experience and survival. Please stop by for an interview. Offices located at #6667 League Central building.

  • AK FRAK KROTCH ITCH KREEM - 'For wen Da green down der... needs zum luvin kare". Available in the snotling-sized Thimble Pack or the Big Boyz Barrel for those with a larger need. Ogre application device sold seperately.

  • AGGROGROW - We are pleased to announce our release of a new enhancement product. Tired of being the stunty always stuck between some ones toes? Tired of being flung down the sidelines just to be trampled by a runaway Black Orc? We have the solution. After just 10,000 gold pieces and a month or two of taking C.P.O.N.’s new AggroGrow you will no longer afraid for your life. You will go from your 3ft 6in squishy fear to a 7ft monster of destruction. Our product is guaranteed to increase your body and muscle mass by 200%. Try our new AggroGrow and don’t be left behind any more!. Be a front line stomper with rest of your team in no time. (No returns allowed. Side Effects limited to: skin color change, weird growths, extra limbs, and massive decreases in intelligence. Brought to you by Chaos Perversions of Nature Inc.)

  • SKAVENS SEEK HELP - Ralph the Rocking Horror, head coach of the Rocking Rodents seeks lineman. After a fluke contract error, the Rodents have to accept all challenges! Due to this fact, the turn over rate of the Rodents has tripled overnight. Seeking young and preferably tough rats to play and be willing to fend off ogres. Must be agile and in shape. Willing to pay well on a per game basis. Will get H.M.O. with dental plan. Additional benefits will include dates with cheerleaders, apothecary coverage and chances for fame and fortune. Interested parties please bring resume to Rocking Rodents team office. Located at Office #3629 in the League Central Building.
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