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 Issue 8 - September 17 2506
Personal Automatic Race Profiler

The art of personality profiling comes at last to Blood Bowl. The following decision tree has been scientifically designed*, exhaustively tested** and proven 99% reliable*** in defining your ideal racial choice for Blood Bowl, based upon your personality type.

To Use:
Answer each question truthfully. Each answer will either send you to another Question (Q2) or to a Race Choice (R2). Having decided on an answer simply click on the Question or Race Choice belonging to it to go where instructed and eventually the system will determine which race is optimal for you. If you read straight through without following these instructions you will become very confused and in no way prove yourself to be cool or non-conformist.

Q1: You are running in a marathon race. For the last 26 miles you and one other runner have been in the joint lead, as you approach the final stretch you sense he is tiring, do you...
  1. Put in a sprint and leave him behind. It is all about the winning. (Q2)
  2. Join hands and finish together, sensing the crowd would love it. (Q3)
  3. Decide it would be fun to finish the race running backwards. (Q4)
  4. Trip the other runner up. Then stomp on him. Then pull out a knife and stab him, then set him on fire, stomp on the remains, laugh, and finish at walking pace. (Q5)
Q2: You decide your home needs a new look. Which of these design ideas would appeal to you more...
  1. Flowers everywhere, you can never have too many fresh flowers. (R21)
  2. 'Popular Bland', it's what everyone else has. Ikea or local equivalent. (Q6)
  3. The collected symbols of the occult, candles and sacrificial daggers. (R4)
  4. The most expensive, gold encrusted, artsy nonsense you can find. (R9)
Q3: Where would you go on holiday, if money and reality were yours to command...
  1. Somewhere nice and sunny. (Q9)
  2. A cold desolate wasteland full of depressed people with beards****. (R14)
  3. Somewhere very similar to my home, with lots of familiar things around me. In fact, my home. (R10)
  4. My imagination. Which is full of women who do not feel the need to wear clothes and find computer game players irresistibly attractive (R1)
  5. Hell. And no, I don't mean Spain, I mean actual HELL. (Q8 )
Q4: Picture the scene: Michael Jackson is visiting a terminally ill child in a hospital. Who are you in this scene...
  1. I am Michael Jackson. (R20)
  2. I am the poor little sickly child. (Q7)
  3. I am the disease killing the poor little sickly child. (Q5)
  4. I am the scantily clad nurse in the background. (R1)
Q5: At a job interview you are asked an 'ice breaker' question. "Would you rather be safe or Sorry?" Do you reply...
  1. "Safe." (Q10)
  2. "Sorry." (R16)
  3. "What am I doing here? I'm independently wealthy and don't need a job." (R9)
  4. "People who ask me questions like that deserve death" before ripping out their spine and laughing at their twitching corpse. (Q11)
Q6: Which of the following best describes your childhood dreams of ideal living accommodation...
  1. A tree house. Like the one in the film 'The Swiss Family Robinson' (R6)
  2. A den of wild children, beyond the reach of adults, like the film 'Lost Boys'. (Q7)
  3. A nest of filth within a pool of toxic waste. Like the film 'Swamp thing'. (R18)
  4. A sweet little cottage, with flowers and nice curtains. Like 'Chick Flick' films. (R21)
Q7: Which of these best describes your ideal meal...
  1. Human flesh. (R20)
  2. A nice roast dinner, and then another one. And dessert. And a snack. (R8)
  3. The contents on my own nose. (R7)
  4. Cute little children. Raw. (R16)
Q8: What is the best thing about hanging around in graveyards...
  1. The general atmosphere, the gloom and the darkness. (R19)
  2. The weird twisted trees that grow from the bodies of the dead. (R18)
  3. The opportunity to create your own army of the night through a mix of arcane magic and grave robbing. (R13)
  4. The slim chance of being killed by a creature of the night and turned into an immortal killing machine that exists solely to take life and cause small children nightmares. (R11)
Q9: Which of these animal breeding hobbies would you choose, if you were forced to pick one as a passtime...
  1. Snakes. Nasty slithery things that can kill, yes Sir. (R12)
  2. Spiders. Nasty scuttling things that can kill, yes Sir. (R4)
  3. Bunny Rabbits. Cute fluffy things I could cuddle. (Q2)
  4. Bunny Rabbits. Cute fluffy things I could torture and kill, for the simple joy of seeing their suffering and hearing their cries of anguish. (Q5)
Q10: When people complain about you they tend to pick on you because of your...
  1. Love of money and your short, fat legs. (R5)
  2. Unbearable arrogance and general ability to be better than everyone else. (R3)
  3. Smell. (R17)
  4. History of violence, criminal record and the fact that you are trying to kill them. (Q11)
Q11: If you were a psychotic killer (that's a small if, as you have reached this question) what would be your style...
  1. I'd be head of a motorcycle gang, causing destruction and fear wherever we went. (R17)
  2. I would use knives and sharp cutting things. I would like to see the blood and hear the cries of my victims. (R2)
  3. I would release toxins and flesh eating viruses, I would love to see people writhe in agony as they die. (R15)
  4. Style? Death requires no style. It is a goal all in itself. I AM the anti-life, the bringer of doom and the ender of worlds. Where I go death arrives with me, and takes all in its path as I sit in glory revelling in the destruction I have wrought. (R11)

Your optimal race is:
R1: Amazon: Now surprise everyone and choose pictures that have clothes ON.
R2: Chaos: Remember there are OTHER mutations than Claw/RSC.
R3: Chaos Dwarf: Bully for you. Enjoy your many wins.
R4: Dark Elf: Don’t let ‘Dark’ fool you. You are still playing elves.
R5: Dwarf: Speed isn’t everything. Especially in finding games.
R6: Elf: A short career of long passes awaits.
R7: Goblin: Picking your nose is neither big, nor clever.
R8: Halfling: Bring joy to all, except possibly yourself.
R9: High Elf: Armour and Agility, spoilt children. "I want it all and I want it now".
R10: Human: Imagination is possibly not your strong suit.
R11: Khemri: And may God have mercy on your soul.
R12: Lizardmen: Think Skink, according to some an 'unbashy' roster.
R13: Necromantic: You do know werewolves don't actually exist, right?
R14: Norse: Can you get a Norse team over 200TR. Will you even try?
R15: Nurgle's Rotters: Apoth's are for wimps. Play to slay and Rotters come free.
R16: Ogre: Why have players you can actually control?
R17: Orc: Big, bad and strong. Can you possibly go wrong?
R18: Skaven: Every Skaven coach builds one turners. Everyone else hates them.
R19: Undead: Given 51 flavours of ice cream, you chose vanilla.
R20: Vampire: Have you considered a career in stand up comedy?
R21: Wood Elf: Try not to break a nail while pressing the pass button.

* Disclaimer: The phrase 'scientifically designed' is not meant to imply that any science was, in fact, used in the design of this process.
** Disclaimer: Testing carried out on three people, two of whom have played Blood Bowl.
*** Disclaimer: The designer takes no responsibility for any/all game losses that result from using this process to decide a race choice. The 99% statistic may, or may not, be true at time of going to press.
**** Disclaimer: No offence is meant to the fine peoples of Scandinavia, who have, after all, given us both Abba and 'helmets with horns on'.

 
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