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 Issue 8 - September 17 2506
Obituaries/Valedictories

  • Valdrek Bloodgaze
    One of the most hated and feted players in FUMBBL history, Valdrek Bloodgaze finally met his end on the pitch.

    Valdrek's amazing career was ended by a flying boulder hurled from the grandstands by a Treeman fan of the noble Liras Leveler at the start of the second half. The Blood Falcons had already used up their match allotment of magic sponges on another fatality earlier in the match and arguably the most infamous player on FUMBBL ended the match as a big red smear on the pitch! Ironically, it was Valdrek's own inflated TR value that probably killed him. The 5th handicap for the match was Bad Press, which halved the Falcons' 33 Fan Factor to 17 which was enough to lose the roll off!

    Hate him or love him, Valdrek was an amazing one of a kind player. Just before his death on 27 June 2006 Valdrek was:

    All Time Ranked Records:
    • #8 Star with 497 SPP
    Active Ranked Records:
    • #2 Star with 497 SPP
    • #9 Scorer with 67 TDs
    • #8 Most awarded player with 14 MVPs
    Dark Elf Records:
    • #1 Star with 497 SPP
    • #2 Scorer with 67 TDs
    • #1 Blocker with 73 casualties
    • #6 (equal) Interceptor with 5 intercepts
    • #3 (equal) Most awarded player with 14 MVPs
    Dark Elf Thrower Records:
    • #1 Ranked Dark Elf Thrower with 497 SPP
    • #1 Ranked Dark Elf Thrower scorer with 67 TDs
    • #1 Ranked Dark Elf Thrower hitter with 73 casualties
    • #1 Ranked Dark Elf Interceptor with 5 interceptions
    • #1 (equal) Most awarded player with 14 MVPs
    Valdrek also holds the following records:
    • Highest 'Triple' with a score of '67' (see the Recordopedia Spluttanica) with 67 TDs, 71 Completions and 73 Casualties.
    • Best Blocking Thrower (see the Recordopedia Spluttanica) with 67 TDs and 71 Completions.
    • Only player to achieve a Perfect Thundercall (Completion, TD, Interception, Casualty and MVP in the same call) and TWO additional Thundercalls (same without MVP).
  • Hellbound Charioteers
    The Hellbound Charioteers have died on the field... All of them...

    Whiplash, after enduring 36 March of Death games, finally rides home on an 8 man gang foul by the Drakwald Demented, coached by wibble. With the icy hand of death covering his eyes, the debt of blood has been paid.

    The March of Death began as the result of a mundane Norse team sucking so bad they couldn’t beat any other team, except the Justified Enforcers who pursued them across the Old World seeking, but never succeeding, to regulate them. This losing streak came to a climax in the XFL Norse tourney where the Charioteers took on another norse team 60TS weaker... and lost. The shame was so great, the whole team needed a true slaying to receive atonement.

    The March of Death is the only time the Charioteers truly knew life; playing to the fullest extreme against impossible odds and still managing a few successes. They achieved one win, reduced an 11 man Wood Elf team to their numbers, and were even turned down by a Vampire team who claimed they’d rip them to shreds... despite being only 3 Norse strong.

    Head Coach Mike would like to thank all the coaches who delivered on this quest to destruction:

    At this time, no one knows what has happened to the set of spiked brass chariots, or the coveted 13 heads stolen from their opponents. All that’s left is the memory of their captain’s words...

    Joey DeMaio - "In our deaths, we shall live again. Hail and Kill!"

  • Harry Potter
    During a funny game between DracoDormiensNunquamTitillandu and Magical Mismatch, Harry Potter found his fate, at the hands of Draco Malfoy. Here are his last moments:

    Foul selected.
    Draco Malfoy fouls Harry J. Potter. (5, 3) +5
    DIRTY PLAYER skill used on injury roll.
    (6, 2) + 2, 6: Harry J. Potter has been KILLED!!
    IGMEOY Roll = 5
    The ref spots the foul and bans Draco Malfoy from the rest of the game!
    (2) Argue the call fails.
    Move ended for Draco Malfoy
    (1) Apothecary FAILS!

    Poppy Pomfrey refuses to make any declaration, but some rumours say that she was healing some pupils after that last class of Magical Creatures Care.

    Thats life in Hogwarts!

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