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 Issue 12 - February 9th 2511
Dear Prinzka
by Prinzka

Dear Prinzka,

During matches, my coach is whining a lot about the eye that the ref lost. I don't really understand why, usually he likes it when he turns a blind eye on my actions. What is going on with my coach? What used to make him joyful makes him angry nowadays. Should I stop maiming referees in post match sequences now?

Signed,
Bootlover the confused hobgoblin.

Dear Bootlover,

You'd better keep an eye on your coach. Of course, as long as you're playing like you're usual eye-for-an-eye self, I think you don't have to worry. Go on and maim your referee as much as you like; better a no-eyed referee than a one-eyed referee. But no matter the number of eyes your referee still has, make sure you remember that what the eyes see, the heart believes. So strap on your boots and make sure that that ref is losing his eyes, or he'll be all eyes, and he'll sent you off the pitch. Aye, as long as you do your best to foul as brutally efficient as you used to and sneakier than ever, you will always be one of the favourites on the team!

Giving your opponent the evil eye, Prinzka

Dear Prinzka,

I am a big bad ass minotaur who recently joined a promising Chaos Pact side and is always getting tossed the ball to from the crowd (so often that you might even think they'd be afraid I might run into the ranks to recover it instead of satiating my thirst for blood on the pitch if they wouldn't throw it to me in time).

For some time now, though, I have had bad dreams ever since fellow marauders brought up that life (and death!) was just a bunch of "pixels" anyway (as their claim was massively irritating me, I have decided to dismember and devour them on the spot of course, their brains actually didn't taste too bad despite their disturbingly sick minds. I liked the frontal lobes most^^).

In these dreams I am just a random assortment of "pixels" and I happen to encounter lots of 0s and 1s (never have bothered much about math though, as the first target in sight usually equates with the next victim) who tell me that I am gonna be deleted by a giant behemoth being they worship as "Christer", holy adminfather of all lands, "pixels" and the fumbblverse Even worse, sometimes I even dream of being hugged by our coach. If I wasn't some nutty mad cracked minotaur anyway, you might think I'm gonna losing it!

Dear Prinzka, I am confused:

What are these "pixels" and how do they taste? As yummy as pixies? The thought alone makes me hungry again right now!

And do you think I should visit this "adminfather"-thingie and have a straight talk between him and my horns? I neither know what these curious "pixels" are, nor do I want to be one. This whole mess is totally getting my goat and makes me standing around roaring in rage, I think I need to get off now in order to "delete" some more "pixels" myself (preferably the froggie ones, I've become mad about that "squish"-sound they produce when being "deleted" ^^).

And, dear Prinzka, are minotaurs actually allowed to use "emotes" ^^?

Totally looking forward to your answers (hopefully before being "deleted" myself ^^)!

Yours hungrily
Eutrocity, Minotaur of Team Baneslayer Angel Slayers

Dear Eutrocity,

Well, aren't you bright for a Minotaur. A little too bright for my taste. Intelligent Minotaurs never really work, they get too arrogant and philosophical. It hurts their game plan a little.

I'll keep it short and simple, Eutrocity. Your goal, should you choose to accept it, is to die on the pitch in a pool of blood, like a true Minotaur. No need to worry about some vague 'deletion' thread that way. You will have fulfilled your purpose, and I will be able to process your meat and sell it as Dried Minotaur Jerky ("The taste is absolutely Eutrocious!").

Looking forward to your death,
Prinzka

PS: Nuffle frowns on emotes.

Dear Prinzka

In a game with my team Human Line Defense against Dwarf Steamrollers I got knocked down under one of their Deathrollers. The doctor had no cure for me and now I have a concussion. Any good advises on how to recover from that? I can no longer train and all I do is just sleeping. The coach is sending me evil eyes and I think I soon will get the boot. Please help me.

Christof Hulkenberg

Dear Christof,

A concussion? What did you do, bang your head against a Deathroller? No wonder the coach is thinking about firing you. Someone so incompetent should not be on the pitch. Best thing is to brew the following potion: *Boil a big pot of water *Throw in five halfling ears, the nose of a werewolf, and the dried earwax from a dying Troll *If you're still alive, then you're probably healthy enough to play Blood Bowl again

You can pick up the water at my place if you don't have enough.

Kindly,
Prinzka

PS: Is your coach sending you actual physical evil eyes? If so, I could use a few, my stash is almost empty.

Dear Prinzka,

I can't seem to get my troll slayer off the pitch. The games been over for an hour now and he's still too busy rolling, tasting, making blood angels and, in one case, making sweet love to the carnage. I know he's very happy and he truly won me the game, but he's taking it a bit too far...

We have some tranquilizers, chains and a straight jacket, but no volunteers have stepped forward, not even for money How do I get him on the wagon for the next match? Or even off the pitch?

If we dont make Arnoth's gate by nightfall, we'll never get there in time.

Sincerely worried (and disturbed) coach

Dear Sincerely worrier (and disturbed) coach,

You do realise that by the time you read this reply, you will have already played your next match? You do realise that my reply is not immediate, and therefore your question is not really suitable for this column?

I'll answer your question nonetheless, as this kind of situation might occur again. Dear coach, I believe you do not have what it takes to be a proper Dwarf coach. What is wrong with a player so dedicated to Blood Bowl madness that he wins you matches in his bloodthirst and insanity? Nothing. You say you are disturbed, but why? He has embraced his Troll Slaying mentality. All you need to know is how to handle him. Tranquilise him, put him in a straightjacket, feed and drink him, and release him on the pitch in the next match. If you can find a lackey to do the job for you, than do it yourself, ya lazy git.

Also, don't ever bring him near me or any of my Squigs,
Prinzka

 
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