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 Issue 12 - February 9th 2511
Dear Prinzka
by Prinzka

Dear Prinzka,

My name is Slayey McKillCrush and I am a successful beastman for my Chaos team Elfbashing Cherrybowlers. After I learned how to tackle and to block, I went to the nearby Slaanesh temple and got myself a nice pedicure. Now I got beautiful nine inch razor sharp nails on my claws. I recently learnt to multiblock, too, and now it's so funny to teach these elves a lesson. See them splut and hear their coach whining about the 39 TS difference!

But alas, I heard the rumour that the new FFB refs will not allow me to enter the pitch with my razor sharp nails??? I heard I will not be allowed to run and multiblock to kill three elves a turn? Please help me? What should I do? My coach needs me for his self-esteem!

Piling on can't be the sollution!?

Yours sadly
Slayey McKillCrush

Er...
Can someone please neuter this testosterone-driven, egocentrical beastie? I'm sure he would do nicely as a floor decoration in the new Blackbox.

Prinzka

Dear Prinzka,

I recently received a game offer from a nice coach who wanted to play my 11-man DE team with his slightly stronger orcs, who had 9 MB players (4 of whom had Tackle), and to whom I would have given up 1 handicap. What is the most polite way to convey "sod off" while still leaving the option to play this otherwise nice coach in the future? Smile

As a goblin, I imagine this to be similar to an offer from an MB-first dwarf team.

Sincerely,
NotAnElfbowlerButNotSuicidalEither

Dear NotAnElfbowlerButNotSuicidalEither,

I can tell you that this is a common problem. It is up to a coach to make sure his team is not picked upon. After all, the small ant does not fight the large elephant. The coach must make sure that matches are as fair as possible.

That said, there many ways to decline this offer. Here is a list with some suggestions. I can assure you that all are polite and within the spirit of Blood Bowl.

  • Sending the answer by post, along with a ravenous squig.
  • Assassinating their cheerleader squad and scrambling their bodies so it reads: 'No. Really.'
  • Agree to play them as long as they play the Minotaur team first.
  • Put itching powder in their pants.
  • Paint their skin pink, so you answer: "No chance in hell, ya silly Pinkskins.

Be as inventive as you can! After all, there are more than enough orcs around, and we can do with a few less.

Kindly awaiting your inventive plan,
Prinzka

Dear Prinzka,

I'm thinking of joining the Hellbound Charioteers, but my mom doesn't want me to. What should I do?

Hail and Kill,
Khorne Fist (my new name, but my mom still calls me Terance)

Dear Terance,

I am afraid of the day you will walk on the pitch, as the worried shouting of your mother would probably ruin the experience for every spectator in range. For that reason, I have informed your mother of your persistence and adviced her to chain you to the wall in the basement.

Hoping never to hear from you again,
Prinzka

Dear Prinzka

I am addicted to dressing dogs as bees. What would you suggest I do to solve my problem?

Hero164

Dear Beedog164,

Exactly what is your problem? As long as you're staying clear of the werewolves, I don't see one.

Staying well away from you just in case this is contagious,
Prinzka

Dear Prinzka,

I heard a rumour that everyone I know is in fact Christer in disguise. How can I carry on my life under this cloud of uncertainty?

Many thanks, Paranoid

Dear Paranoid,

Christer is great.
All praise his name.
All hail him. He is the Caesar of FUMBBL. All hail!
May Christer enlighten your every moment,
For Christer is one and all.

Kindly,
Chr... - er - ... Prophet Prinzka.

Dear Prinzka,

I will remain an anonymous CD blocker in my team and I am writing on behalf of my coach who I fear is going insane.
The thing is; our team is on paper quite mean. We have lots of Mighty Blow, Guard and Claw and our coach does his best every game to try and make sure that we create more blocks than than the opposition. Why is it then that we get both outcassed and outscored by inferior teams? What can he do to reverse this trend before he goes insane and retires our team and taking up his old coaching job with a skaven team? That also does not create any cas but at least he knows how to win games.

Worried about the future, Anonymous CD blocker.

Dear CD toadie,

By the looks of it, your coach is completely inexperiences about where to block the opposition. He is just mindlessly telling you to maximise your blocks, when it is also key to block at the proper moments and with the right players. Dwarfs are infamous for their blocking skill, but they also need their fellow Dwarf to block properly. Use Guard to optimise your offensive or defensive line.

In short, that filthy rat is a louzy coach for you. Chop off his tail and send it to me, and I'll voodoo him into oblivion. You need a different coach.

Prinzka

Dear Prinzka,

In a recent game, my last ever, I was declared dead. My parents were both understandably upset, but also proud of the way I had 'died as I lived, for Blood Bowl'. I think they were also quite looking forward to being local celebs and the death pay outs that my former team bestows on the widows of players. Sadly it was not to be, my coach called on the services of an Apothocary, and he 'saved' me. While it is true I am no longer dead, the useless sawbones didn't quite set things right, and I am no longer as agile as I was. So the team fired me. So no death duties. And no one wants to hire a low agility elf. So I have no job, no future, and no pay out. Can I sue the useless quack for what he did? Or do I have to live with it?

Yours in penury,
Gaylord Leafhugger

Dear Mr. Leafhugger,

The first thing to do is review your contract. Looking at your name, I'm guessing you're playing in a Wood Elf team. Wood Elves generally protect the their player rights reasonably well, so you're lucky there. You need to look at the Apothecary-clause and the Retirement Rulings.

It is very likely that the team is not going to give you anything though. So yes, you're going to have to live with it. However, don't give up all hope! There is still much to be done... My advice? Play as a Thrall on a Vampire team. A little bit of male bonding with fangs will fit you just fine, mister Leafhugger, and you're still a fast and experienced player on that team compared to most other Thralls.

My squig likes humping trees too,
Prinzka

 
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