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 Issue 14 - January 3rd 2512
Coaches Camp (Goblin Style)

Welcome to Goblin Coach Camp you grotty halfwits!

Turns out that while they may not appreciate us on da pitch, the owners of the team loves them a good Goblin coach. We’s lives by our sneaky tactics...perfect for the low budget team owner, and which of those misers likes to spend money?

Youse is all here cos you want to learn to play like a Goblin. The first and most important lesson is that if you are trying, you are doin’ it wrong! Goblins do not like work! Goblins do not like effort! Goblins like to win using da underhand tactics.

Let pansy Elf teams spend weeks before a major tournament hunting soft teams in “arranged” friendlies for tons of gold. Let the big’n’scary Chaos take on all comers to kill the competition first. We’s is Goblins. Remember dat! 20 games to build a competitive team!

Pick your team

A little thought up front saves tons of agony down da line. As much as I love me a good Goblin lass, I wouldn’t be taking a squad of our boyz to a major. When I play, I play to win. Pick yourself a competitive team and a competitive race.

The important thing to note ‘ere is that one thing a Goblin is is SMART. We’se more sneaky than de Elves and better at strategy than de Orcs. Some of us like da carnage..but you can’t plan for carnage. The only way to be a successful bookie is to minimize da risk, and the same principles that give you a big wad o cash from the punters give you a successful team.

Pick your star

Now, you’ve got 20 games. That means one thing you can’t afford to do is waste your time “spreading” your skills. All these elfball manuals say that your team should be a balanced well rounded affair, with reserves and backups. Pah! Amateurs!

All you really need is one motivated dude. I don’t care ‘ow much you have to pay him relative to the rest of your squad, he’s worth it. Give him yer old ma’s special sauce, give him extra training sessions, tell him to score all the touchdowns he can...you want him to be awesome. It’s worth it to start skilling ‘em evenly, and when you get someone that starts to show signs of being exceptional, drop everyone else and build ‘em up!

Now, for tactics on da pitch...pretend dat star is you. You wouldn’t want to be tackled by that Black Orc right? Neither does he! The rest of your team is a shield for him. If he can’t carry your team singlehandedly, he ain’t good enough. He could be an Elven ball maniac, a sneaky Gutter Runner that can go anywhere, or even just a clawed killing machine. Your tactics need to revolve around him. Skills on other players are support for him.

Prepare your team

Now, these other coaches will be bringing well rounded teams, which means one thing. BLOAT! They will be paying the wages of all those substitutes, and the increased pay demands of all those linemen with the fringe skills. If it ain’t an essential skill, you shouldn’t have it. Cut your team down to just 11 men.

You’ll regret it if you come up against an equal quality opposition..but you shouldn’t ever meet one like that in a major! They’ll have bloated so they are over 2000k in wages, covering every eventuality. You should hopefully be able to hire stars every game(1500-1700k GC is a perfect amount to be spending on your wage bill), and with 12-13 players on the pitch, you’ve got that bench that they did, using their gold to do it!

You should also pick your weakness. The thing is, you can’t keep your team low and cover every eventuality. You also only have about 7 games to play...while you should be confident playing Elves and bashers...there’s nothing wrong with taking a team that will fall apart if it encounters a Wood Elf team with super strip balling dancers, or just a loaded up Dwarf team. If it means that you’ve got a real high chance of losing to them, but a significantly increased chance of beating everyone else, throw the dice! Youse need to keep your wage bills as low as possible. Make sure you know your weakness, and make sure it’s planned for.

See what types of race are popular. Have your build ready in your head that you want to do. Be sure you can beat the main races that enter.

Finally, make sure you’se got a Dirty Player. The best equaliser you can get is to kick your opponents star where it hurts.

In a major, luck of the draw is a huge factor. Play on dat. Worst that happens is you get sacked!

Pick inducements carefully

I could write a Grotty Love Letter about Inducements. I loves them! They bring a tear to my yellow eye! Da thing about Inducements is..theys a little random. Remember what I said earlier? Do yah?! Randomness is BAD! We can’t plan for random, we can’t cope with random. We want to cut down da random in our play.

That means, everyone’s favorite star, the lovely saw is out. While this makes my inner gob sad, it just ain’t reliable enough. Would you trust your entire pot of bribe money to a rookie Lineman who tends to fall over a lot? No? Well, trust me when I say that’s about how reliable a saw is! Even against lightly armoured dudes, he will get pounded into the ground early on, and that saw will be biting into his armour instead. If you can hire his apo though... sadly I’ve never seen one of those apos willing to work for my team.

Similarly, when I’m coaching pointy eared freaks, I’m not a big fan of that one eyed maniac Eldril. In my experience, he walks up to a nasty Dwarf, looks hard at his eye before getting turned into squishy red jam. Waste of money! (when he fires, he’s damn effective though, I’ll give him dat). For a rounded team, Eldril can provide the punch in their armoury they need..but for a 20 game team, it’s not worth chancing it.

So, what is you lookin’ for?

You’se looking for something that changes the balance of the team. Someone who breaks the limits, breaks what the team regulations say. It’s funny, the BRC enforce all dese things that you can’t sneak another Saurus onto the pitch when you’se got 6 already....but give money to Silibili and you find them mysteriously looking the other way. Der’s some very very clever goblins in those halls!

They’ve got all these competition rules, to try and enforce how balanced it can be, but you see Dark Elves with 5 Blitzers and 3 Witch Elves, Orcs with 2 Trolls, Undead with 3 Mummies. Nobody can prepare for that, because whatever their pots ‘o cash, they can’t hire those players!

I always look at Inducements as the BRC giving me money to pick the weak spots in the opposing team. Look over the line up, find the weak spot and give it a sharp kick with a spiky boot (with other people’s money!).

Lots of older players with niggling knees? Take a Bribe! Kick the knees when they fall over! They may have forbidden spiky boots, but if their knees are old and battered, that’s just as good as one of my old favourite Big Spikey’s! Bribes mean that they won't pile on, cos lying down is dangerous. A good foul is as necessary as it always was.

Babes are good for you. The spectators love da show, and it gets those lazy gits of yours back on the field. Remember, if 2 babes get you your stars back for the second half, that’s worth it!

The Wizard is always powerful. He's not a given though. For the love of Mork, remember that if you take a wizard, you need to extract the ball after he explodes the carrier! If you can't capitalise on a spilled ball, maybe you should be looking to your true strengths (beating on them with sharpened claws).

Got a Dark Elf team and 270k? See what the opposing team is. If they look a bit fragile, Hubris is an utter nightmare for them, fast moving, damaging, able to strip the ball from their hands. If they look too big to bash (and dats big, given the kicking skillz you should be training them in), then Roxanna can pull a ball from anywhere, and surf even the biggest Black Orc. Pick a tactic, and make it work.

The bigger they are, the further they have to fall when you kick em in the nuts...a Goblin mantra to live by.

Play smart. Play dirty. Play Goblin.

 
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