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 Issue 15 - December 24th 2514
Der Green Tide Offishul Istory

by The_Great_Gobbo

The GLN has received the following text on a blood tainted parchment. None of the journalists of the newspaper have been able to decipher it yet. The help of a translator would be greatly appreciated.

*****

Ello, Great Gobbo ere. I az bin asked ter rite an article fer der Grotty Likkle Newspapa so I fort I wud give yew der offishul istory o der Green Tide. Everyfin yew iz about ter reed iz der truff, der ole truff an nuffin but der truff, except fer der bitz I mek up or lie about fer legal reesunz.

Der story of der tide beginz wiv me. I wuz just a normal gobo, wanderin der world, wurkin fer chariteez an fixin urt animulz an stuff. Well wun year I wuz volunteerin az an elf an safety lad on diz kart dat wuz loaded wiv pressies up in Norsica. Whilst I wuz rigeruzly testin ow secure deese pressies were attatched ter der kart diz fat git in red got on an before I new it we wuz flyin froo der sky! Suddenly der sky went a funny kolor, der wuz a smell like burnin den a uge bang. Eventually we land an I look ovva der edge o der kart ter find we az landed onna roof! I den see der fat git in red enterin diz ouse frew a window, so finkin ee wuz up ter no gud I followed im ter mek a citizenz arrest. I saw im put a pressie under diz big funny lookin tree den elp imself ter sum grog. Wurried dat it wasn't a pressie but a bom, I took der mysteriuz box rapped in shiny papa an went an id bak on der kart az diz fat git in red wuz obviously an ardened criminal if ee kud brekk inter peeplez ouses, plant a bom den elp imself ter dere grog. Anyway diz seemed ter go on ferevva until der sky went weird agen an we ended up at ome. I took der bomb ter a safe place to dispose o it, but wen I took off ter papa I saw it wernt a bom but a box an inside wuz a fishin net. Seein az no wun wuz around I dedided ter keep der net an kontinuwed on me travelz.

I ended up in Lustria were I wuz employed by a kumpany kalled Playboi ter mek sum tasteful paintinz o dese Amazonian chikkz wiv no kloves on. Wun day me an me paintin bush were spotted by der gurlz an so I ad ter leg it. I eventually lost em an meself in der process, owevva I ad ended up next ter a swamp. Fer sum reezun all I gud fink about were kokkonutz so I started lookin round fer sum. It wuz den dat I saw diz weird lookin toad, ee wuz red an wite stripey wiv a blu ead. Bakk in der Marshes O Madnezz funny koloured toadz iz fun ter likk so I got out me net an nabbed im. I gave im a gud lik den sat down an waited. I musta fell sleepy az next fing I no Gork an Mork iz talkin ter me! Dey tell me dat der gobo race iz a laffin stokk ter der ovva racez an dat I needz ter go an restor our onour. Ter do diz dey teech me evveryfin dere iz ter no bout Bluud Bowl an give me a certificate dat sez I am a Blud Bowl koachin geenyus. Finully dey tell me dat I kan only use gobo linemen so dat evverywun kan see ow gud we reelly iz. Wen I wek up I av bin majikally transported ter der Badlands an I set off on me misshun ter rule der Blud Bowl world!

Az I wuz walkin besidez der Marsh O Gallylee I saw too gobbos, Dag Gobguzzla an Snik Stranglegut. Dey were kastin a net inter der marsh, fer dey were fishamen.

"Oi yew, folla me" I sed, "an I will mek yer fisherz o gobbos"
"Zog off" sed wun
"Wot yew jibba jabberin bout yew krazy fool?" sed der ovva, "fisherz o gobbos? Wot doez dat even meen?"
"Nah, dunt be like dat" I sez, "kum an play Blud Bowl fer me"

DG: "No"
GG: "Aww go on...."
SS: "No"
GG: "Dere will be money, fame, grog an cheerleederz!"
DG: "Ow much money?"
GG: "Enuf fer all, now folla me!"
SS: "Look mate, I ent signin nuffin till me lawya az a look at dis kontrakt..."
DG: "Wotz dis meen, 'powwa o atturnee'?"
GG: "Ladz, ladz! Were iz der luv fer yer fella gobo?"
DG: "I ENT DAT KINDA GOBBO! GET IM!!"
GG: "NO, WAIT, DATZ NOT WOT I MEEN!"
SS: "So wot doez yer meen?"
GG: "I meenz trust me, I az bin sent by Gork an Mork ter form an all gobo linemen Blud Bowl teem ter prove ter der world ow great gobbos kan be!"
DG: "Y didn't yer say so! K'mon Snik letz leeve evryfin behind an folla diz stranga"
GG: "Datz moar like it"
DG: "I wuz bein sarkastik! Look jus zog off yer weirdo before we urtz yer!"

So I wandered off alone worryin dat no wun wud play fer me until I kame across a massif kave. Sittin outside woz a big, red, sad lookin squig. I kud see strait away dat dere wuz a big forn stikkin in er paw an dat it woz urtin er. I went kloser an she growled at me, but der pain wuz so much it woz moar o a wimper. I slowly reached out, held der forn an den yanked it out az fast az I kud. Der squig yelped an jumped up den realized dat er paw didn't urt anymoar! She woz very gratefull an gave me a big likk. Az I went ter walk away she started ter folla me, an diz gave me an ideer. I retraced me stepz bakk ter der marsh where doez gitz woz still fishin an spoke:

GG: "Rite den yew too, yer kan eivver folla me rite now an go fishin fer gobbos or wotevva I sed, or yer getz et by diz squig oo I am kallin Nigel. Yew az free sekkundz ter deside! WUN!"
DG: "Letz kill diz fool"
GG: "TWO!"
Nigel grinned showin a mouff full o razer sharp fangz
SS: "So den boss, wen we off?!"
DG: "Yeah, we will folla yer an wotevva, jus don't let er eet uz!"
SS: "Wot iz yer name"
GG: "My name is der Great Gobbo, but yew kan kall me koach!"

We set off ter der Badlands Community Staydeeum after earin dat dere wuz a big game bein played der between der Chaos All Stars an der Underworld Creepers. Unfortunatly dew ter a navigatinal error we arrived late an ad missed der game, so ter keep everywun appy I took em ter der nearest tavern I kud find, wich woz der Bridge. After getting our grog I noticed a group o gobbos sat rownd a table lookin miserable, until I realised dey were Dirty Dan frum der All Starz an Garbage Throttlesnot, Slasher Bowelgrim, Fester Rustblade, Wildman Teethgarland and Ace Fireblade o der Creeperz. I ad ter go ovva an talk ter em.

GG: "Ey ladz, wotz der matta"
DD: "Oh nuffin, itz just dat playin wivout Morg ent der same. No wun chukkz me der ball"
GT: "Itz even wurse in der Creeperz mate, doez ratfaced gitz wont give uz der ball at all!"
SB: "Yeh, an dey iz so zoggin fast dat dey always getz it furst"
AF: "All we end up iz iz kannon fodda for der durty mouses"
WT: "An dey et me alf time cheese samwich"
GG: "Well den diz iz yer lucky day!"

I jumped up onter der table an yelled fer qwiet. I dodged der nife frown at me an set Nige on der culprit. Der tavern suddenly got very qwiet az Nige gulped down der final leg.

GG: "MY NAME IZ DER GREAT GOBBO...."
Hekkla: "WHERES YER MAJIK WAND!"
GG: "Nige.......fankz. Az I wuz sayin, my name iz der Great Gobbo an I az bin sent ear by Gork an Mork ter start a gobo linemen only teem ter show der rest o der world jus ow gud we really iz. No moar spendin all game waitin fer sum marauder ter decide ter frow yew der ball, no moar bein punchbagz fer durty skaven, NO MOAR MR NICE GOBBOZ!"

A huge cheer goes up.

GG: (pointing at the pro players) "Yew iz jus der sort I wuz lookin fer, yer hired! Welkum ter der teem. We iz kalled.......Der Green Tide!"
FR: "ent gonna be inna Tide"
GG: "Legend in der mekkin if evva I saw it"
"OI!" sed wun o der lokalz, "yew karnt put dem in der teem!"
GG: "Oh yeh Mr?......"
Gnash Doomspida: "Gnash Doomspida"
GG: "OK den Mr Doomspida, y karnt dey be in der teem?"
All the pro players listened intently. Doomspida realized dat ee woz der center o attenshun an esitated.
GD: "Well.....dey ent frum rownd ear"
GG: "Hmm, gud point. Rite den we need sum keen local ladz, yew"
"Me?" sed an unwary gobo
GG: "Yer yew! An ill tek yew too an yew five. Eight lokalz yeh? Karnt complain bout dat!"
FR: "Ent gunna be inna Tide"
GG: "Yew pros karnt leave now, ovvawise der iz too many lokalz. Dats numbaz dat iz!"
"Im not joinin any teem" sed a local
GG: "Not man enuf, eh?"
"Wot?! Im az gud az any bluddy forener any day!"
GG: "Rite, datz sorted den"
FR: "Ent gunna-"
GG: "NIGE!"
FR: "I iz gunna play fer der Tide! I iz, I iz!!"

An dat iz ow Der Green Tide wuz formed. Possibly. Jus rememba wun fing:

ROLL TIDE!!!!!

 
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