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 Issue 2 - November 16, 2503
Grum's Grudging Grumbles
by Uncle Grum*

Dear Grudging Grum,
Me Orc team matez wont let me exprezz myself on da field. I'm da throwa and deyz all just hittaz, smashaz, and crushaz. Dayz tell me pick up da ball anz run widdit but I wantz to do more, I neeeedz to do more. I seen some of dem elfs playin once and thinkz, I can do that but I wanna sprint anz dodge anz throw anz leap anz sidestep anz score, I juzt wanna chanze!
UncleGrum pleaze helpz me,
Orc dat wanz ta leep

Dear Orc dat wanz to leep,
Well my poor little green elf, you need whipping with a troll's sweaty jock strap. You should consider yourself very bloody lucky that your team mates want you to pick up the darn ball at all. Back in my day orcs considered the ball a distraction from pounding on the opposition; in fact they thought the ball was a trick to stop them from smashing everyone. You're an orc! The only thing ya should be throwing is your opponent's severed head, so stop your whinging before you embarrass yourself trying to leap an ogre.
Find your greenness,
Grudging Grum

Dear Grudging Grum,
My fellow Highelfs and I, due to fiscal constraints, have been forced to play this barbaric game you call Blood Bowl. We have chosen to give you the honour of assisting us by utilising your knowledge of said game, by having you advise us on a suitable schedule of opponents. We know you will ensure that our opponents are of a suitable, shall we say, "station".
Lord Fairelf III Lord and Master of the newly formed Golden Nobles from Ulthuan Heir to the Earldonm of Dawngate

Dear Lord Fairelf III,
Oh what a privilege, Nay what an honour it is to receive your request for my humble advice. I truly hope I can compile a schedule befitting of your Lordyness. Please accept the following list of easy beats for your perusal.
1. Undead: You will bury this lot, as they are quite soft (and mushy) at heart.
2. Chaos : These poor, often misunderstood lunatics could use your guidance.
3. Dwarves: Although short on love for the elves, you'll find them easy to tackle.
4. Khemri: You'll find these mummies more than lovable.
Well, there you have it my dear lord Fairelf, if that list doesn't get your team of to a, shall we say, "healthy" start I'll eat troll's warts. Oh, and do let me know how you go, won't you? If you can.
Good luck Sir Elfypants,
Grudging Grum

Dear Uncle Grum,
I wanna share me grief with ya over the loss of a dear friend. Ya may 'ave heard of the recent death of Enjoyment, that big softy went an' got imself all dead *sniff*. Me team mates an' me wanna invite all his many fans to the funeral of this once proud warrior, where he'll be cremated till he's golden brown and then served later on a bed of smashed elfs at his wake. We nicked some halflings ta do the cremating and then be served as dessert, we know he wooduh wanted to go out in style *sniff*. My question is: should we serve a merlot or a chianti at the feast?
Thank you,
Chaotically Grieving

Dear Chaotically Grieving,
Hhmmm, sounds truly appetising, what a fitting end to such a legend of the game. Enjoyment and I had many great games of whisk together and he always prefferred warm cocoa with a plate of peeps shared between us. Chianti goes best with cannibalism. Ahh, I'm all perklempt, see you at the feast!
WIth great grief,
Grudging Grum

Grum's Grumble: On the delicate art of fouling. Let's get it right from the get-go, I aint talking 'bout what your halflings do in their pants when faced with the spiked kneecaps of an on-rushing troll. No, I'm talking 'bout the dark art, that evil act of laying one into your opponent when he's at his most vulnerable - lying there just begging for it even! Seems to me there's a bit of resentment towards coaches who practice the art of fouling. Well, let me tell you poncy little non-fouling coaches something: IT'S PART OF THE BLOODY GAME!

And if I get one more coach walking across the field to ask "doooo you foouuuuul" prior to accepting my challenge, I'm gonna reply, "Oh no my dear I wouldn't stoop so low as to try and ruin your delicate team, please feel assured that even if given the chance to win the game by eliminating your best player I would always take the moral high ground." I will then proceed to continually foul each and every turn, methodically attacking his most prized stars just because he asked for me not to. I shall become known as SIR FOUL-A-LOT, LORD OF THE FOUL. And you know what? You deserved it!

Grum's Additional Grumble
New Phrase: "Disco-Ducked"
Disco-Duck shall hence forth become the phrase used to describe the ACTION of a coach that disconnects from a game during dubious moments. These moments benefit his/her team. These coaches do not attempt to contact their opponent within the specified time frame according to FUMBBL rules.

To clarify, if a coach suddenly disconnects from your game after you've BHed ,SIed or killed off some of their team AND then doesn't contact you, or answer your PM to that coach (even though you've added them to your buddy list and know they've been online since your last PM) then you've just been Disco-Ducked! Report ALL attempts to Disco-Duck to an administrator. Don't go flaming them, it's the only way to combat it.

*These views are not neccesarily Grumbledooks
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